Tomorrow is Another Day: Introspection of a Tired Mom

You can tell I've had a sick baby lately. Many night-time moments alone in the quiet. I'm in introspection mode, which can be dangerous, but also feels really good once in a while. And lucky you: you get to hear about it. :) Last night, just like I do every night after the kids are all asleep, the lunches are made, and the doors are locked, I was straightening up my house, putting away the toys of my three little ones. I found a pile of candy and stickers under the kitchen island, where Parker had dumped out a party favor bag after his bath. And at that moment, I know this sounds strange, I worried that maybe I didn't love my kids enough that day. Surely I did in my mind, but did I tell them enough? Do they know how much we love them? Does Audrey know how beautiful she is? Did I tell Parker how much I appreciate all his hugs and how sweet he is to his baby brother?

I remembered looking at Parker's shirt briefly before bed and noticing that he had stuck a big dinosaur sticker on himself. I thought, when I saw it, "Cool sticker on your shirt, dude!" but I didn't say it out loud. He would have loved the praise and acknowledgment about his creative sticker placement, but he didn't get it from me tonight. I was too busy trying to replace his shirt with his pajamas. But I don't want my kids to go to bed disappointed or feeling that they were skipped over during the day. I'm sure it won't matter to Parker in the long run; he'll have forgotten the sticker by morning, but, once again, my guilt is getting the best of me. My kids need to know how much I love them and that they are my priority.

Recently, a friend of mine said, "Your priorities are what you DO." Not what you plan to do, not what you think about doing, but what you actually DO. I may say that my kids are my number one priority, but how often do the dirty clothes or the dishes or a phone call actually come before they do? Not always, but probably too often. I do my best to jump on the trampoline, read books or just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. I have to make an effort to do these things, since that annoying pile of dust in the corner is screaming at me to get up. I'm sure all mothers wrestle with this issue often, don't you?

Sometimes, as I lay in bed at night (or nurse Miles in the complete darkness), I analyze my self and my day. Often, I picture a little scale in my mind. One side is "the important stuff:" my kids and Neal. The other side is "everything else:" the house, the grocery shopping, the book I'm reading, my rushing around, my friends, my blog. I know which side should have more weight, and often, that side doesn't. Of course, some things are necessary: the laundry needs to be done, I need to cook dinner, the bills need to be paid. But a few nights ago, this feeling got the better of me, and I crawled into bed with Parker (he's the only one with an accessible bed [not a crib or a top bunk]). I hugged his little self close to me, and thought how I should have done that while he was awake instead. My wise sister, Stephanie, put it so well in this brilliant post, which I think of often.

Luckily for me, and I tell myself this all the time, tomorrow is another day. I'm going to do better. I'll slow down, put away the housework, take the time to listen to my kids, look them in the eye while they talk to me, spend time doing the really important things, and crawl into bed tomorrow night with a satisfied smile on my face, knowing that I really did do my best to love them.

There, I feel better already.