I make your mouth WHAT?!?!?!

Ohhh Flowers. I have been meaning to tell you about a conversation I had with Muscles for ages. Are you ready for this? Brace yourselves....lol....

Blondage: *says something silly and a little pervy*

Muscles: God that turns me on.

Blondage: *laughs*

Muscles: You make my mouth lactate.

Blondage: *shriek* I WHAT?!?!??!?!

Muscles: You know....you make my mouth lactate. Water.

Blondage: Were you trying to say SALIVATE?????

Muscles: Lactate, salivate, same difference. Both have an 'ate'.

Blondage: Errrr.....No. No it's really not the same.

I wish I could say I was kidding about that. He also once said to me "I won't to lick it". I assume he mean "want", but with him, ya never know. :)

* * * * *

Lawwwwd have mercy.... If I could have any singing voice in the world, I would want to sing like Eva Cassidy. Can I get an Amen?

That music........ That song..... Good gawd does it ever turn me on.

I soooooooo need to get laid.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

Muscles: *laughing* I luuuuuuuuuuv you.

Blondage: *snort* You just like the fact that I assume everything you say is intentionally filthy.

Muscles: Yessssssss. Talking to you is like talking to myself! Well, myself with bigger boobs.

Blondage: Soooo, if we follow this we're-the-same-person thought to it's logical conclusion....you dig me because you're in luuuuuuuuuuv with yourself.

Muscles: Uhm, helllllo. Why do you think I put that mirror on my ceiling?

Blondage: .....

I attract very strange men.

LL said that to me a few minutes ago. She totally nailed me. ;)

Sooooo......

Muscles knew I was working last Saturday. He called and asked if he could stop by for a moment. I said ok, 'cause I'm....like....blonde?

Annnnnnd.....

He uh....showed up with Valentine's Day presents.

He can be such a sweet man, and Flowers, I was very tickled that he thought of me, but I am also a wee bit confused.

He gave me socks and porn.

::Que confused facial expression::

Mmmmmmm......fuzzzzzzy....


Mmmmmmm.......porrrrrrrrrn.....

Hmmm...what would be the right word to describe my reaction......floored? Flummoxed? Flustered? Flabbergasted?

(I heart F words)

I was soooo stunned. I totally squeaked, which he seemed to find hilarious.

Now that I have had a day to think about it, a couple things come to mind....

Am I supposed to wear the socks while I watch the movie? Should I feel weird that this gigantic hunk of a man just gave me a Porno? And is it some sort of turn on to him that I am going to watch and probably get off to something he gave me? Do the socks represent some sort of fetish? Now that I think about it, he does tend to stare at my toes.

Am I freaking out? I think I'm freaking out.

Wellll....freak-out aside......I'm still totally gonna watch the movie tonight, and I am currently flexing my toesies inside these wonderfully fuzzy socks....but....

Uhm.

Yeah.

I'm perplexed.

Girl talk...

I was talking to my best friend at lunch today about how Muscles calls me all the time to check up on me, see how I am feeling or whatever, but my husband never does. Heck, I've started referring to Muscles as my WIFE. I'm not kidding!

Feeling as puny and pitiful as I have on the meds....and on top of that, feeling neglected at home......well....uhm.....yeah, I'm sure you can use your imagination how I feel about that.

Me: I don't need him to crawl up my ass everyday, but....

Cougar: Definitely not.

Me: *dramatic pause* Just the tip. I just need the tip. *wink*

Heh. I love making her laugh.

;)

...lost my damn mind, but not my sense of humor...

PS
There's a sex related post next one down, for you masturbating lurkers.

Have you ever, part deux...

Have you ever...

...become very, very close friends with a person you used to have a mad crush on...

...despite that fact that he seems to desperately want you sexually....

...but you become rather adept at ignoring that tension, and the two of you are super close...

...so close that one of his favorite past times is sending pictures to your phone of his tiny white kitten, despite potential questions to his manhood, because he trusts you to not make fun of him to his face...

...and had that friend, whom we shall refer to as Muscles, send you one particularly cute picture of himself with said fluffy white kitten which you notice, who knows why, that he has copied a second phone number on.....

...so that night, at 2:30AM, your phone starts ringing...and ringing...and ringing...

...and you finally jerk awake, drowsily croak out a "Hello?", and you hear a very bitchy, angry, drunk female saying, "WHO IS THIS?!"...

...to which you ever so brilliantly answer, "Huh?"...

...to which the bitchy, angry, drunk female replies, "WHO. IS. THIS?!??!"...

...to which you reply, "Excuse me????"...

...to which the bitchy, angry, drunk female replies, "WHO. THE HELL. IS THIS!!!!!!!"...

...so you hang the heck up...

...and lay there stunned...

...and curious...

...and you think to yourself, "Damn. What a psycho-hose-beast."...

...and the light-bulb goes on...

...OMG....Psycho. Hose. Beast....

...and you know EXACTLY who the culprit is...

...so you fire off a somewhat freaked out text to Muscles at 3:00AM, and include the phone number of the psycho-hose-beast for proof...

...and when he calls, confused as hell the next day, you have to practically hold his hand to explain how his psycho-hose-beast got the number in the first place...

...and you bite your tongue when he says "Wow. I didn't realize she was that smart."...

...then, that night, you go to this year's version of that rather infamous staff party that you got smashed at two years ago....

...and first groped Muscles' muscles...

...you walk in, and feel his eyes on you...

....and you can tell he is following you at a somewhat discreet distance....

....so you wait for him to get up his nerve....

....and it only takes him about 30 minutes and five beers....

Him: "I called her and bitched her out. She's really sorry, and claims it was her girlfriend who called you."

Me: "Right."

Him: "Well, she said if it had been her, she would have masked her number."

Me: "Great, THAT makes me feel SO much better."

Him: "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made her cry."

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "I told her you were an old lady with mental problems on heart mediction, and that the middle-of-the-night phone call terrorized you in to a major anxiety attack."

..........?

...so you shriek, and stomp on his toesies...

...and you realize you enjoyed it very much, so you stomp on his toesies a second time...

...and then you realize that all of his friends are standing there, witnessing your tantrum....

...and then it dawns on you that they all know exactly how Muscles described you to the psycho-hose-beast, so you try to stomp on his toesies again...

...but he jumps...

...and you stare in wonder as he expresses extreme surprise and confusion over you having a temper tantrum for being called an old, mentally unstable, anxiety-attack prone lady with a bum ticker....

Him: "But...but....but.....I thought you would be HAPPY that I made her so sorry!!!!"

Me: *groowwwwwwwwl*

...so you spend the rest of the night, visualizing his torture....naked, cuffed spreadeagle...clover nipple clamps firmly in place...perhaps some strategically plastic clothespins 'cause they hurt more than the wood ones....lots of slapping...flogging....crop action...orgasm denial.....then you pour hot wax all over his naughty bits until he screams like the pretty pretty girl you know he is...

Excuse me, while I take a moment here to visualize again.....

Ahhhhh......that's better......I heart my happy place.

...so the party ends, and you go home, and whine to your husband about being referred to as an old lady with mental problems...

...and he replies...

"Well, at least you aren't old..."

Yes, I'm a brat.

Muscles called me a few hours ago and asked me to log in to his My Space page to take his psycho ex off his top friends.

Uhm....hello? What was he thinking!!!!! Seriously!!!!!

I immediately began contemplating the possibilities.

Instead of a straight body builder, should he become gay and "more to love"?

Should I change his background from pics of his motor-cycle to something pink and girly?

Maybe I should change his nickname to Tinkerbell?

Ohhhhhh the possibilities are endless.

Lunch time arrived, so I scampered off to eat with my best friend Cougar.

I told her about having Muscles' keys to his My Space castle , and we discussed the potential fall out of my impish intentions.

Cougar: Speaking of Muscles....Friday he was telling me alllll about your 'sexy voice'.

Blondage: *blink* .................? *blink blink blink* .....................?!?!?!?

Cougar: Uh huh. *arches a brow*

Blondage: What the hell did he say?!?!

Cougar: "Has Blondage done her sexy voice for you?"

Blondage: Ack! What did you say??? *laughing*

Cougar: "Uhhh no, I'm a girl."

Blondage: And then what! Tell me! *laughing harder*

Cougar: "Ohhhh she's got this really great sexy voice. You gotta get her to do it for you. She purrs and everything."

Blondage: It was innocent! I swear!!!!

Cougar: Uh huh.

Blondage: No really! I don't remember what we were talking about, it was perfectly innocent, but I said something like "Oh yeah" in some way he loved, and he is always asking me to do it again. I don't do it though!

Cougar: Uhhh huhhhh. Suuuuuure.

Sooooo.....I made up my mind. I was doing something, because I wanted a bit of revenge. *evil laugh*

So, my darling Flowers. I MOSTLY behaved myself. He remains a straight body builder with a motorcycle background.....but his profile picture has changed. It is now a picture of him sporting a Hello Kitty backpack.

I know. I rule.

So, of course, I couldn't STAND him not knowing, so I sent him a text.

"I didn't make you 'gay' on your My Space page.... And I didn't change your background to Strawberry Shortcake and rainbows... But I maaaaaaay have uploaded the Hello Kitty backpack pic and made it your profile picture."

Approximately thirty seconds later, My Precious rings.

Muscles: You did WHAT?!?!!?

Blondage: *howls* It could have been much, much worse ya know.

Muscles: *growls*

We play fought for a while, and I basically talked him in to letting me keep Hello Kitty up until tomorrow. THEN! I remember the conversation with Cougar.

Blondage: By the way, you deserved this as REVENGE!

Muscles: *sounds all innocent* What did I do?

Blondage: Cougar told me about your conversation about my SEXY VOICE.

Muscles: Yeah, I told her I can't stand up when you sound like that.

Blondage: *shriek*

Muscles: Well it's true. You sound all purry.

Blondage: NOT ON PURPOSE!

Muscles: Do it again. Make that sound!

Blondage: No! No no NO!!!!!!!!

He teases me mercilously, we laugh a lot, and hang up. I called Cougar immediately and relayed the conversation.

And then....I had an idea.

Blondage: Wanna be one of his My Space friends?

Cougar: *shrieks* YES!!!!!!

So I added her to his friends....we hung up....I called her back a little later.

Cougar: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blondage: What on earth is wrong?

Cougar: His NIPPLES! OMG his NIPPLES! He looks like a nursing mother! Make it go away. MAKE IT GO AWAY!

Flowers.....I don't think I have EVER laughed this hard this much in one day.

Dude.

Muscles dumped the psycho-hose-beast. I told you about the psycho-hose-beast, right?

Oh. I didn't?

Well.

He's been dating a total whack-job on and off for nine months. She breaks up with him a couple times a week just to torture him. Poor guy. He's just ridiculously sweet, and she treats the dirt on her shoe better than she treats him!

It's finally, FINALLY over. She picked up all her stuff at his house, and they're done.

I was patting him on the back, feeling all proud.....

...when he started telling me about a new girl that he likes.

Ohhhhhhhh god.

That man.....

He has the worst taste in women I have ever seen. EVER!!!!!!!

(Well, apart from ME of course, but I'm taken.)

This new chick he is sniffing around....

*blink*

She has a four foot long Alligator.

As a pet.

IN HER HOUSE.

And don't you dare ask me what she feeds it!!!!

EEEK!

If ever a man needed a keeper....

I'm evil. ;)

Are "couples baby showers" common everywhere, or is it just a Texas epidemic?

I got roped in to helping throw one for a co-worker. The expecting Mom invited 150 people, plus a guest each. Yes, Flowers, that is potentially 300 people at a frikking baby shower!!!! Insanity!!!!!!! And though a few of the hostesses actually DO have homes large enough to accomodate everyone (yes, I'm serious!), we rented a place for the shower.

Ugh.

So.

Night before last, Myyyyyy Preciousssssss rings. I wish I could play Muscles' ring tone for you here, because it is an absolute scream. It's called "Mexican Nut Dance" (look it up on cingular!), and there's whipping sounds and howling. Loves it.

Ok. So.

Muscles calls to tell me his psycho girlfriend has broken up with him for at least the 20th time. I do my usual consoling...."You deserve better.....She doesn't deserve you.....You're so nice, wonderful...." etc etc.... He brings up the couples baby shower.

Yes Flowers, as one of my co-workers, Muscles was invited too.

Now that he expects to be girlfriendless on Friday, he was panicking. "Do I still go? Do you think that would be weird? What do I do? What do I wear?" etc etc etc...

After talking about it for a while, he decides he isn't up to going.

Understandable. I don't want to go either! LOL

Sooooo......he asks me if I would mind buying something for the baby and putting a tag on it that says it is from him. I'm going to see him on Sunday, and he'll pay me back. I'm cool with that.

I begin asking him what he wanted me to do.....baby clothes? A teddy bear? Something from one of her three gift registries? And he hems and haws, and can't decide.

And a thought pops in to my head.....

And I start laughing......and laughing......AND LAUGHING......

I believe his response was something along the lines of "Oh shit!".

I tell him I have the PERFECT gift in mind. He becomes very quiet, which of course makes me laugh even harder. So....I spring it on him.

"A breast pump".

You know Flowers, I sure I wish I could write well enough to fully capture the sheer terror I created in that man.

As I said in the title of this post......I'm evil. ;)

On a side note, how cool is it that the man who used to make me trip and fall and make a complete and utter ass out of myself everytime he even looked at me, now turns to me in times of crisis? I'm his go-to girl, and I really like it!

Knowing him, he will give in to getting back together with the psycho girlfriend by Saturday, but I think I definitely enjoy being his "sub".

*blink*

Oooooooooooooooo!!!!! Double entendre!

*wink wink nudge nudge*

Off to daydream something rather naughty......

;)

PS.
Now he is pimping me out to his friends. I have to buy another baby present and put Muscles' underling's name on it. Too frikking funny!

PSPS.
If you haven't responded to the poll about Single Grrrrl taking a 21 year old's virginity, please read the next post. Heart you, my pretty pretty Flowers!

This man is HOPELESS! LOL

Scene: My Office, last weekend
Players: Moi, He-Who-Has-Rather-Large-Muscles

Muscles walks in to my office, pouting up a storm.

I see him and gasp.

Muscles lets out a very heavy sigh.

"Ok buddy, OUT with it."

"She decided she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. She said I didn't put out enough."

....yet another shining example of fantasy usually being better than reality....

"Uhmmmm. *blink* Well, did you try to talk about your difference in sexual opinion?"

"She doesn't understand that sometimes I just need to be held."

....I stare at him....jaw on the floor....

"She told me about a week ago she just wanted to be 'ocassional Booty Buddies', not my girlfriend."

"....and your reaction was....?"

"Well, I said yes, because I do enjoy looking at her ass."

Must not laugh....I must not laugh.....

"Ok, so what happened?"

"She came over last night at about 3am, after she got off work. I was about half asleep at the time."

"Rut roh."

"I answered the door. She walked in, hugged me, and said 'Hi Booty Buddy'."

"Mmmmmkay.....and?"

"I said 'Hi, Hump and Dump."

....and I stare., dumbstruck...

"So.....we're over."

"Uhm....yeah. You're lucky you didn't get a black eye."

I feel my eyes twinkle, my lips twitch.

He grins.

"Well geez, I was half asleep at the time. I meant to say 'Hi Hump and Bump'. I didn't realize I had said Dump until she started yelling obscenities at me."

....and another's one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust-uh.....

Oy.

Can you feel me giggling? Can you? I know you can.

Soooooo......


Despite the birthday spanking stalking *innocent smile* Muscles and I have sort of relaxed in to a wonderful friendship as of late.


I no longer trip and fall when I see him...


I'm not intimidated by the 62 inch chest anymore...


Here is a perfect example of why.


He called me last week to let me know his niece had painted his fingernails.


This enormous, intimidating, some would even say scary looking guy, had allowed a little five year old girl to paint his finger nails.


So....of course....I requested photographic evidence.... And I GOT IT! LMAO! I couldn't believe he took this and sent it to my phone.


(One great thing about this guy -- he loves to send me pictures of himself! *glares in the general direction of....somewhere* Ahem.)

Now where was I.


Oh yes. Oh my yes. The picture.






Damn. Now that I blow it up, he looks a little beat up huh! Gotta love a man who knows how to use his hands...

Swampie, I know I owe ya some meme answers. I'm workin' on it! :)

My my my...

Well... I tried to reload my Perverted Republican template today, but....

It didn't work.

New blogger won't accept the template.

*cursing*

I loved that template.

*cursing louder*

Sooooo....I'll be keeping the Evilicious one, at least for now.

I've been writing a lot these days. Granted, I don't click "publish" very often, but I do still write a lot. Yesterday, I was writing a post I actually planned to publish (I swear!) about Muscles. I probably still will, once I re-write it.

Why do I need a do-over?

Well.

The post I was writing is about something cute he did, and a picture he sent me. The post contained quite a bit of bragging on this great little friendship we have settled in to......

And then....last night happened.

*blink*

Let me rewind a bit.

He was very annoyed with me when he heard he missed my birthday. His reaction certainly made me grin. He fussed at me every day in txting and on the phone last week. I lurrved it! LOL

So.

Last night.

Mmmmmmmm......

I'm working in the front part of my office, and in walks The Mountain that is my Muscles. Damn. I think I like "The Mountain" better than "Muscles" as a nick for him. Oh well.

So.......in he comes. (oooo! pervy! LOL)

Muscles: *glares at me*

Blondage: *blink* Uhmmmmm......what.....?

Muscles: Get your ass over here!

Blondage: *blink blink blink*

Muscles: Don't give me that look. I said GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!

Blondage: *squeaks* Uhmmmm..... *backs up slowly*

Muscles: It's BIRTHDAY SPANKING TIME!

Blondage: *SHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEKS* NO!!!!! (Well, ok, so I was thinking YES on the inside. Sue me!)

Muscles: I have been saving this up for you ALL WEEK!

Blondage: Holy Swear Word.

Muscles: *Stalk Stalk Stalk*

Blondage: *backs up against a wall*

Muscles: I am gonna put you over my knee for not telling me it was your birthday!

Blondage: *squeak, pant, squeak*

...and I will be keeping the rest of the details to myself...I'm evil that way....

PS......after this little encounter, I saw TWG in a strapless white tube top......

I am pretty sure I have one of those "cat who ate the canary smiles" on my face today...

The rumors of my demise...

...have been greatly exaggerated.

-Mark Twain

I realized today I haven't posted in almost a month. I blame margaritas. Why blog when you can drink Patron? *wink*

Before I fell off the planet, I was writing about Muscles a lot. Granted, most of what I wrote is still in drafts... hehehee.... I tend to start posts, save 'em, forget what I wrote and never go back to 'em. Sorry flowers. :) I guess in my first note back after my mini-hiatus I should explain how that relationship has morphed in to something that really matters to me.

Muscles has called me three times today, but it's not what you think. :)

He started dating a girl.....a very "damaged" girl. She is gorgeous, and she thinks she is in love with him. Yes, there is a "but" coming. She was mentally abused by her ex. Muscles is crazy about her, and wants to "fix" her. I've tried to gently get through to him that she needs therapy and meds, but......ya know. He's a guy. He thinks he can fix her.

Sooooo....where he used to call me several times a day to be silly and flirt with me, now he calls me at least twice a day, asking my opinion on things she says or texts. It's been a strange transition to go from being pursued by a rabidly horny bull to being psychiatrist for a whipped boy and his f'd up chick.

It's kind of an "honor" though. Out of all the people he could go to, he trusts me to be his confidante. I am so touched by his faith in me. He told me the other day he used to chase me around for my looks. Now he chases me around for my brain.

I could never put a value on that.

xo
-Eb

An Indecent Proposal of sorts.... I think. Kinda. God help me.

....we interrupt the previously scheduled post to write about something that has Evie so bloody worked up she may explode....

Yes, we are skipping door number 2 for now. I'm sure you'll see why.

Ring-ring-ring goes Evie's cell....

Evie: *answers laughing* What the heck was that cartoon thingy you sent to my phone about?

Muscles: Which one? The one where Fred was fucking Betty instead of Wilma? Or the chick blowing the donkey?

Evie: Uhm....like you had to ask?

Muscles: *laughs* Hell. I don't know. You're in to all that kinky stuff. I thought you'd like it!

Evie: D/s is NO WHERE NEAR BESTIALITY on the KINK SCALE!!!!

Muscles: *laughs again*

Evie: BRAT!!!! *laughing* So what's on your agenda for the day?

Muscles: Work out, get laid by the crazy chick from the gym....

Evie: Is she the one with the fake double D's?

Muscles: *naughty laugh* I loooooooooove doing the motorboat. *makes a sound I can't figure out how to describe*

Evie: Weirdo.

Muscles: Duh!!! So what are you doing today?

Evie: I have a meeting soon. Bah.

Muscles: Oh? What time?

Evie: Noon-ish. Why?

Muscles: Do you take your cell phone to your meetings?

Evie: *suddenly feeling leary* Yes, but I have a feeling I am going to regret telling you that.

Muscles: *evil EVIL WICKED laugh*

Evie: OH FUCK! What the hell are you going to do to me NOW?

Muscles: I made you a little video with my phone last night. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to send it.

Evie: You did WHAT?!?!?!??! You made me a WHAT?!?!?! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

Muscles: It was right after I got out of the shower.

Evie: *squeak, whimper* I'm-not-listening-I'm-not-listening-I'm-not-listening!

Muscles: I was making Sarge talk.

....for the uninformed....Muscles refers to his cock as Sarge, because "he is always at attention"....

Evie: *stammer, stutter, squeak* Talk??!?!?!?

Muscles: Yep! Talk! He answers "yes" and "no" questions.

Evie: Oh god. Oh fuck. NO! NO TALKING COCK VIDEOS! Not during my MEETING! NOT EVER! NO! No no NO!

Muscles: *most evil laugh ever*

Evie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck......

...to be continued...

Trouble!

Last week, a phone call...

Muscles: Did you feel me last night?

Me: Huh?

Muscles: At about 11pm.

Me: Uhmmm....huh?

Muscles: I fucked you in the shower. You liked it. Sarge liked it too.

Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Muscles: I was thinking about you while I got off in the shower.

Me: *squeak*

Muscles: *makes some weird sort of purr sound*

Me: *squeak squeak* Sarge....?

Muscles: Mmmhmmm....he's always at attention.

Me: *squeak* Sarge is your....OMG. What are you.....why are you......what the heck are you... *stammer, stammer, squeak*

Muscles: On Saturday, I'm coming to visit you. Does your office door have a lock on it?

Me: *stammer, pant, freak* MARRIED! I'm MARRIED!!!!

Muscles: *laughs* True. Guess I'll owe my friends more money.

Me: Oh god. The bet.

Muscles: Yep. I've already lost it once, so why bother trying?

Me: If you don't stay away from married women, you are going to be broke! *still freaking*

(Me to Cougar: Do you think he uses that "did you feel me" line often? And it WORKS?
Cougar to me: *stammer, sputter, squeak* eeeeeeeeew!)

The next day, another phone call...

Muscles: You must be thinking about me. Sarge is at attention again....

Me: *shrieking* NO!!! Stop-it-stop-it-stop-it!!!!!!!!!

Muscles: My chest and arms are even bigger now. If I flash you in your office, will you flash me back?

Me: .....at WORK?!?!?!? NO!!!!!!!

Muscles: So that means after work I have a shot?

Me: *shriek* MARRIED!

Saturday...

Me: *pacing, pacing, pacing*

....and suddenly, there he is.

JESUS CHRIST! The man is just......massive.

Muscles: So, can you tell?

Me: *trying not to drool* Yes.

Muscles: Just yes?

Me: Yes. Just yes.

Muscles: *makes his pecs dance*

Me: Oh my.

Muscles: Wanna feel?

Me: Yes.....NO! I mean NO!

Muscles: *takes my hand and puts it on his chest*

Me: *I freeze, and feel his piercing blue eyes staring me down*

Muscles: What time do you get off? Do you want to get off with me? Or would you prefer ON me?

Me: *blink*

God help me.

Is this how it is "done" now?

It's been a looooooong time since I was single.

Nine years, in fact.

Dude. *blink*

I was talking to "Muscles" last week (if you're new to my site, he's a body builder that I work with who flirts mercilously with me), and he mentioned his "B.C.P.".

Huh? B.C.P.?

I should have known better than to ask. Heh

In "Muscles" speak, B.C.P. means his BOOTY CALL PHONE.

The man carries TWO cell phones. He calls me on the "friend line" (Is that a compliment? I'm not sure! LOL). The other phone is reserved for any chick he wants to fuck. And THAT is the one he leaves on 24/7.

Mmmmmmkay.

So, of course, I had to ask.... Who the heck does he give that number to?

Well Flowers...... When he is on the ball (there's a pervy joke in there somewhere), he is pretty good at figuring out on the spot who gets what number. Unfortunately for him, he gets his wires crossed occasionally. Though he shaves his head, the man is still a "blonde". ;)

So. Back to who gets what number.

He has two sets of "business cards". One set has the B.C.P. number and one set has the friends/family number, which is the one I have. (It has a motorcycle on it. hehehee) As I mentioned, he typically keeps straight (another joke in there too, I'm sure) who gets the card with the B.C.P. line, and who gets the card with his "real" phone number.

He says the best part about having a B.C.P. number is, he is not always totally sure who the chick is making the Booty Call. He hands out these cards to anyone he wants to see nekkid. I believe "unwrapping a Christmas present" was mentioned.

So, I HAD to ask......were you ever surprised in a BAD way.

Oh man. *giggling* I was not prepared for THIS answer.

Last week, he got a call on the B.C.P.. He couldn't remember the chick, but he liked her voice, and they had a very sexy conversation. He decided to go for it.

Before I go further with this, keep in mind, he is almost 6'3", and a body builder.

Ok.

So, he goes to the chick's house, and knocks on the door. He's got a perpetual hard on, so he is already visibly "excited". The door opens and he doesn't see anyone for a split second, but he hears that sexy voice say "Is that for me?". Then, he says, in some weird sort of slow motion, he feels hands on his cock. He looks down and.....

She's a midget.

Turns out this was a friend of a friend, and he slipped her the wrong card.

So.....my next question was, of course.....did you or didn't you????????

Oh he sure as hell did!

One thing worth noting, and I believe this is a direct quote, spoken in a very pouty voice:

"It wasn't tight.".

That's my Muscles. He never disappoints.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Still on bloggie vacay for now. I heart you, my pretty Flowers....

I'm not "Dorkalicious"....

I swear, this is EXACTLY what happens to me when I try to talk to "Muscles":

I was explaining my Friday night Dorkalicious disaster with "Muscles" (which involved me literally falling out of my office chair) to my friend Karl.

After he quoted one of my favorite Cure songs to me...

And she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But never even caught her name

...he declared that I am NOT Dorkalicious.

I am "Dork Sexy".

LOL!

Oh my

Muscles sent me this link today that you guys have to check out.

Click here for "Wondercum".

It's a product that promises "sweeter tasting sperm".

Uhmmmm.......

*sheepish smile*

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmMUSCLES!

...two days ago...

This ring tone goes off on The Precious...

*Evilicious smiles*

Evie: Hello Muscles

Muscles: *laughs* You always call me that.

Evie: *giggles* It suits you, does it not?

Muscles: *laughs again*

....we chit chat for a while, and then the subject turns to last year's infamous staff party, when I drunkenly disclosed to him that I write a sex blog....

Muscles: You're bartending again this year, right?

Evie: Uhhhhhhhmmmm...I really shouldn't. Ugh.

Muscles: But I like it when you're drunk.

Evie: *deadpan* So does my husband. Ahem.

Muscles: *laughs* Oh yeah.

Evie: Exactly.

Muscles: Well, I still think you should bartend. That was the best staff party ever. *laughs*

Evie: *blushes, cringes, blushes more, gets off phone as quickly as possible*

...fast forward to today...

...I am at work, watching season one of "Prison Break", paying zero attention to the coming and goings surrounding me...

A deep voice in my ear: Is that the show with the guy with the tattoos?

Evie: *squeaks*

Muscles: You're way too easy.

Evie: *arches a brow*

Muscles: I take that back. You're kind of a pain in the ass really.

Evie: Hrmph.

Muscles: Sooo...wanna see MY tattoo? *starts to lift his shirt*

Evie: Gawwwwd yes. *pause* I mean.....NO! No no NO!!!!!!!!

...he looks down at my desk, notices the baby bottle that belongs to my assistant's kitten...

Muscles: If I put that bottle in my mouth, will it make me purr?

Evie: *blink* Uhm...doubtful.

Muscles: *looks me square in the eyes* You make me purr.

Evie: ...........

M-m-m-m-muscles!!!!

Scene: My place of business, at closing time

evilicious Blondage: *realizes in order to go home, there is no way to avoid walking past "Muscles"*

Muscles: *standing in a doorway, looking huge*

eB: *waits until Muscles seems occupied to make a run for it*

Muscles: *reaches out and grabs eB by the hair*

eB: *yelps*

Muscles: *says in a stern voice* STAY!

eB: *gulps*

Muscles: *arches a brow* What's wrong?

eB: I'm sick. *sneezes*

Muscles: You know what I do when I'm sick?

eB: I can't imagine. *sneezes*

Muscles: I go see my gynecologist.

eB: ..........?

Muscles: *grinning*

eB: ...................?

Muscles: *flexes* I used to do her. She likes writing me prescriptions.

eB: *rolls eyes, laughs*

We chit chat a bit, I kind of zone out, and snap to in the middle of a conversation, completely lost.

Muscles: .......makes my tongue go numb.

eB: *blink* Huh? Numb?

Muscles: You know, when it mixes.

eB: *blank blonde stare* .......?

Muscles: The fluids. You know, afterwards!

eB: Uhhhhhmmmm..... The what? Huh?

Muscles: I like to fingerpaint with it.

eB: WTF?

Muscles: *blue eyes twinkling at me* It makes my tongue numb.

eB: Your tongue gets tired?

Muscles: My tongue never gets tired.

eB: *confused* I feel so blonde.

Muscles: *laughs and sighs* After sex, I like to fingerpaint with our juices and lick it off. With that one girl, it always made my mouth go numb. I liked it.

eB: *blink*

Muscles: It only happened with her. Might have been because she was such a cold bitch.....

eB: *speechless*

Various thingies

Well damn. Lots happening! I wish I had time to write it all down!

** My next door neighbor/trainer/chick-that-I-made-out-with-and-lust-after had to quit working at the gym! Her hub found out she was making out with the head trainer (a man!) in the back office. DOH! He forgave her, sort of. She told me she is now putting out a minimum of five times a day. He basically told her he is going to keep her too tired to stray! LOL!

** I've had some fascinating conversations with "Muscles" . First, let me say this. I really do like the guy. He is quite likeable really. Ok, that being said... He told me when he goes out to eat or to a bar, if his server/waitress is really good, he will hug her as part of her tip. SERIOUSLY!!!!! LMFAO!!!! Part of his charm is his almost EXTREME self confidence. It is vastly amusing. It is also worth noting that since I have gotten to know him better, I have stopped tripping and walking in to walls when I see him. Today when he stopped by to see me, I even spoke in complete sentences. Miraculous!

I wish I had more time to blog.

I heart you, my pretty pretty Flowers.

Email me!

evblnd at gmail dot com