Vincent Nichols conducts a Blue Mass

Following on from his controversial "Gay Mass" at Farm Street, in which he was ably assisted by his yes-man, the incredible Mgr Bottletop, Cardinal Nichols is now planning an even more shocking event, namely, a "Tory Mass". It is expected that many "out" Tories will attend, and that ++Nichols will preach a sermon stressing the role of "Mercy", without however insisting on the orthodox Catholic doctrine that Conservative acts are sinful (the doctrine of Purge-a-Tory). The Mass will take place in the Brompton Ora-Tory, the scene of many scandalous Tory masses.

++Vin forsakes his rainbow vestments for a Tory blue.

Traditionally, Tories have been regarded as in some way "second class" citizens, and the Christian churches have been blamed for fostering anti-Tory bigotry. For example, Canon Giles Fraser was given the prestigious "Bigot of the year" award for Toryphobia by the Tory Rights organization, BlueWall, after expressing the view that Conservatives should not be allowed to marry.

"Toriesssss... we hates 'em, my precious!"

In Rome, the forthcoming Synod on the Family, Part 2, will be addressing the vexed question whether Tories should be permitted to take Communion in the same way as ordinary liberals and socialists are allowed to. For many, Cardinal Kasper's proposals, which would even include letting Tories marry in church, are a step too far.

It is said that in a long-gone degenerate era the Anglican church was regarded as "The Tory Party at Prayer"; eventually, its leaders managed to reform it, removing the Tory elements as well as the prayers. The Catholic Church was more faithful to Christ's teaching that we should all join trades unions, vote Labour, go on strike, read the Guardian, worship the sacred Edstone of St Miliband, deface war memorials, etc. However, nowadays these Toryphobic attitudes are considered obsolete, and it is only in certain repressive countries such as North Korea, Zimbabwe, Iran and France that being a Conservative is actually illegal.

Margaret Thatcher is sent into exile for being a Conservative. Is a royal pardon imminent?

So, although we are usually harsh critics of Vincent Nichols's orthodoxy, his bullying, and his inability to get the date of Ascension Day right, we are going to stick our necks out here and say that in showing compassion to the most despised members of society, he is proving himself to be a true man of God. Wow.

Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.

Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).

Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.

Hell awarded "City of Culture" title

The City of Hell (full title, Kingston-upon-Hell) has just been awarded the prestigious "City of Culture" title, fighting off stiff competition from Purgatory and Heaven (better luck next time!)

Some of Hell's cultural assets.

Said a spokesman for the judging committee, Mr Dante Alighieri, "We always thought that the Devil had the best tunes, and now that old-fashioned hymn-singing is falling out of fashion, to be replaced by Paul Inwood's Greatest Hits, the Kevin Mayhew Book of Vogon Songs, and the like, it is clear that modern Christianity, at least, is making little effort to catch up."

A modern cathedral. Heavenly, but very ugly.

In architecture, too, Heaven offers little to challenge the supremacy of Hell, as we see ancient churches converted into supermarkets, or palaces of consumerism, while "prison-style" construction inspires so many new religious buildings.

Said a prominent resident of the new City of Culture, Baron Prescott of Kingston-upon-Hell, "I am very excitable and delightful to hear the news - denigrating Hell as the City of Cultivation puts us firmly on the map, rather than just off the edge, and the working people of Hell will be calibrating tonight, no mistake. This would never have happened when we had a Tory Governess. Oh, have we?"

The James Joyce of Kingston-upon-Hell: nothing he says makes sense.

Meanwhile, spokesmen for The Church of Purgatory, such as Lord Carey and A.N. Wilson, have expressed feelings of despondency, saying "We've still got one or two nice churches - although we didn't build them ourselves - but nobody wants to attend them."

Indeed, it is hard to see what the solution could be. Modernizers have done all they can to bring the C of P up to date - they don't mention God any more, and many bishops are very happy with same-sex marriage, adultery, even a little discreet theft and murder. What more could they do?

Could glamorous vicaresses be the answer?

But enough of the problems of Heaven and Purgatory. Today is definitely a day when Hell - an increasingly attractive destination for modern youth, with its fabled lakes of brimstone, and jolly twerking demons to make them feel at home - has every right to celebrate.

Celebration in the streets of Hell.

Bosco on de atack

Well Bosco had a narrow escape from de Angle of Death. But she is an old friend of Anti Moly's, and she have offerred our Grate-Ant a part-time job. De idea is dat Anti Moly's gonna go rouond scarring poeple to Death. She said, "Dat suonds good. Is I allowed to screem at dem too?" De Angle of Death said, "Yup, we has got a vacancy in de Banshee divvision." I will report on a futture blogg how my belloved Anti gets on wiv dis new career oporttunity which is gonna make de most of her tallents.

Bosco have realised dat we gotta get more vigoruos in our persecuttion of de Cathlics. I found dis photo showin Cathlics doin a crazy rittual where dey bow down to iddles. Dey even calls it Pillates cos in de Cathlic Bibble dey says dat Pontuis Pillate did it. What lies dey tell.

What's more, dey is makin iddles of de Pops, which Cathlics gonna be asked to kiss if dey wants to escape 1000000000000000 years in Purgattory. I read all about it on a website dat Bosco found, so it must be true.

Bein horified by dis wickedness, Bosco and me has develloped a cunning plan. On Sunday we is gonna go into de Cathlic church incoggnito. De preist will preach his herettical sermon, sayin dat all Cathlics gotta kiss more iddles and venerate beads (we knows dis is true as Bosco found an article on de internet about Venerable Beads), and on no account must dey read de Bibble. When we hears dis we shall pounce, and stand up and sing a Calumny Chappel hynm very luodly. Maybe dis one, which is very poppular.

De Lord's my shehperd, I's de sheep,
He dresses me like a clown.
Lord Jessus have saved me from de flood
And left all de rest to drown. Ha ha.

(We doesn't sing "Ha ha", we just gives a big chuckle as we finks of dem Cathlics in de lake of fire.)

Dis is de costume dat Bosco is gonna wear for church, he says dat Father Xavier Pell de Mons will never guess dat it is him.

Dat's a real parrot... it's de one dats been tryin to teach Bosco to say a few simple prhases.

So Sunday will be de day of reckonin for de Cathlics, we gonna save lots of dem. Since no Cathlics reads dis blogg, I fink it is safe to put our plans here, Bosco, my dere bruvver.