This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles
Showing posts with label Ely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ely. Show all posts

Monday, 1 April 2024

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31

Continued from Chapter 30.

1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don, of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.

2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.

3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.

Ramadan in London

The mighty city celebrates Easter.

4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian, who likes hymns and carols. Also, I like cathedrals and churches."

5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine", nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.

Monstrous sculpture

Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies (cooked in a red wine sauce).

7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as "Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes, Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.

8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.

Clown in Mass

Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.

9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?

10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers at the crack of dawn?

11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?

12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.

Dawkins sings

"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."

13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH," insisted Richard.

14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.

To be continued.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.
  • All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
  • Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
  • No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
  • No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
  • Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Space 1999

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.


Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

Thomas Becket

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.


Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bishop Barron

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Prayer 3: How to do intercessions

I'll hand over to Tony now, as he's going to lead us in our intercessions.

Thanks, Father Phil. Please kneel, stand, sit, or lie down - whichever position you find most comfortable - while I lead us through today's prayers.

First we pray for the Church throughout the world, and in our cycle of prayer today we think particularly of the Kingdom of Bhutan, and its king, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck. Although his people are Buddhist, we know that, like us, he is only seeking the Truth, and who are we to say that we know better?

King of Bhutan

Thanks for the name-check, Tony!

We pray for Pope Francis, Pope Benedict, Archbishop Welby, the Dalai Lama, the Chief Rabbi, the Archmuslim of Canterbury, the Archdruid of Husborne Crawley, and the Supreme Freemason. May they continue to do spiritual things.

Nearer at home, it is the day that we pray for the Diocese of Scunthorpe, and particularly for Bishop Eric Blast-Furnace, that the police will soon drop all charges against him. May he be a worthy pastor of his sheep, and may the Lord help him to leave Mrs Slag alone. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to read that bit out.

Moving on, our cycle of prayer moves us to think of our brothers and sisters in the parish of Little Dreadville, their priest, Fr Nasty, and his pet hamster, Radcliffe, who is unwell. May little Radcliffe soon be turning happily in his wheel, and bring joy to all who behold him. Then, nearer to home, we remember the people living in Slaughterhouse Crescent, especially Mrs O'Ghastly, who is suffering from acute halitosis. May the Lord breathe on her, and may she breathe back without knocking Him over.

St Ermenilda of Ely

St Eormenhild (Ermenilda) of Ely.

Today is of course St Ermenilda of Ely's day, and we join her in our intercessions. Although she does not appear to be the patron saint of anything in particular, simply mentioning Ermenilda of Ely reminds us to pray for all producers and wearers of ermine, all people who risk their lives for us in order to catch or eat eels, and anyone whose name rhymes with Ermenilda. We may wish to say a prayer for all the Hildas and Matildas that we know. In fact we shall be singing "Waltzing Matilda" as our Communion Hymn later.

a stoat

A producer and wearer of ermine.

We pray for the Royal Family, in particular for Lady Louise Windsor, because we haven't "done" her for several months, and for all Members of Parliament. In our cycle of prayer we think particularly of Mr Nicholas Clegg, and we try not to laugh. O Lord, you have probably read in your Spectator a particularly nasty piece by Damian Thompson, attacking the conductors Dudamel, Gergiev and Rattle for (if you'll excuse me, Lord) political butt-kissing. Soften the heart of Dr Thompson we pray, that from now on all his words may be words of kindness and praise, that they may flow smoothly as the custard floweth in Lebanon.

custard advert

The Lord recommendeth this for thy health.

We pray for all who try to communicate the word of the Lord, whether they be priests, journalists or humble bloggers. Today we especially remember Brother Bosco of the totally unread "Why all Catholics are damned" blog.

Now we pray for the sick, especially at this time for people suffering from spots in embarrassing places, addictions to toilet-cleaning products, or delusions that they are a teapot. May their spots be healed, their beverage requirements become less potent, and their kettles whistle as they boil in the Lord's Name.

I'm a teapot

The sick.

Finally, we commemorate the departed, especially our own great-great-aunts, whether known to us or not. We also remember any whose anniversaries fall at this time, especially King Béla II of Hungary, Richard Wagner, and Mr Ronald Pickering of the BBC. In the words of Mr Pickering, "Away you go!"

Finally a moment for silent prayer, in which we bring our own needs to the Lord. No matter how complex our problems, and difficult our situation, He is ready to listen to us. One. Two. Three. That's enough silent prayer.

Lord in Your Mercy, grant these our prayers, and help us to have a Nice Day. Amen.

Thanks, Tony. That was great!