Adoption is something that I am passionate about. It something that I thrive to know more about and to learn as much as I can about. It is something that my heart aches for. It's something that I don't talk about a lot because it is so special to me.
Our case worker always jokes that we should give a workshop on "finding hope" after a failed match/placement. I know that I am far too emotional to stand up in front of a group of people and explain how to overcome the trial of a broken heart and to get up the next morning and start over again. And again. Knowing that it will probably happen again. I guess that isn't the right kind of hope, is it? I guess that sometimes I am not sure I even know how to do that. Sometimes I lose the vision of a placement actually happening in our house. How does that qualify me to help others find hope? How does that make me strong enough to keep going? Sometimes I don't know. But then I think about the Plan of Salvation. I think about our Savior Jesus Christ. I think about our Heavenly Father and all the blessings that he wants to give us. I think about our sweet Hannah. I think about my sweet husband. I know we are an eternal family. I know that we will be blessed. I know we will gain the true desires of our hearts. I know we will have children on this earth. Now where do I find the patience?
I am hoping that by writing this post and exposing all my feelings and hurt that we have experienced in our Adoption Journey, maybe I can start to heal and just maybe I can help someone else that may be experiencing a similar experience (and thinking they are the only one out there, like we do sometimes!). :) If not, well then that is okay. After all this is my blog about Adoption and our journey to get there. Maybe this will open me up more to talking about it.
Adoption is hard to talk about for me. It's hard to let everyone know what has been going on and when we have a possible match. It's hard to go back and tell them that things didn't happen as we had hoped. It's hard to have people pity me or feel bad for me. After all this is my journey, the one that I chose. The one that I have always hoped for. The one that I am excited about. The one that will expand our little family.
A lot of people don't understand why we chose to start the Adoption Journey. After all I have been pregnant before, we know it can happen. And I am sure with a little help it would happen again. But the point is, I long to adopt. I know this is not an easy road. But it is the one that I want. I know there is a baby meant to be in our family. One that I can not bring into the world. A baby that will come to us through adoption.
I decided to put together a little time line of events and just maybe it might be a hope for someone to see that there are other couples out there with similar experiences. (And for my own information too!)
October 23, 2004 - Our Sweet Hannah came into this world and then returned to her Heavenly Father.
November 2004 - The road to conceive begins. Dustyn and I briefly talk about adoption.
November 2005 - We know we want to Adopt. It feels right. We call LDSFS. They send us the packet with a brief introduction to adoption.
August 2006 - We decide that now is the time to start the process. We paid our homestudy fee and the process begins.
October 2006 - We are APPROVED! Yay! We decided not to tell anyone and just let everyone be surprised! :)
December 1, 2006 - We are activated on Parent Profiles.
January 2006 - We tell our family and friends we are adopting and start spreading the word!
January 31, 2007 - We are matched with C. We talk on the phone, make plans to drive out and meet her. Things seemed to be going well. We were officially "matched". Due April 26th.
February 2007 - As we finalize our travel plans, we learn through her case worker that she chose another couple.
April 4, 2007 - We start talking to H.
April 20, 2007 - We start talking to R.
May 14, 2007 (Mother's Day) - We are matched with H.
May 2007 - Go to visit H.
June 2007 - Deactivate Parent Profiles.
July 2007 - Spend a month in PA waiting for baby P to be born.
August 20, 2007 - Baby P is born and H decides to parent. We were SO happy for her and know that she made the best choice for her and P. She'll always be one of my best friends. Love her to death!
August 30, 2007 - Matched with R.
September 2007 - R decides to parent.
November 19, 2007 - Parent Profiles reactivated.
November 2007 - LDSFS Online Profile activated.
December 2007 - Matched with C. We are ready to fly out. She had talked to our case worker and her case worker. Goes to get final paperwork signed before we leave town and doesn't show up.
January 29,2008 - Start talking to C. She is such a cutie and a awesome person. We were able to meet with her quite a few times and spend quite a bit of time with her. We were feeling fairly hopeful that if she did decide to place her baby that she would consider us.
March 18, 2008 - C has her baby early. (Due the end of June). Baby Z joins our sweet Hannah. This was a hard time for me because all the feeling of loosing my Hannah came back. My heart hurts for C and all that she is going through.
There is the basic rundown.
I don't know why I feel the need to share this. Maybe just to update my family and friends on where we are in our process. I know that so many of them are feeling left out, but it's hard for me to tell family and friends that we are matched just to turn around and tell them it didn't work out. It's hard to deal with the emotions and to let everyone else to deal with them too.
This truly has been an amazing journey that I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for letting me experience. I know that someday we will have a small little babe placed in our arms. Someday the ache will be eased. Our lives are changed forever through adoption and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the experiences that we have had to learn and grow. Sometimes I wonder why this all has to be so complicated, then I meet another amazing birth mother or another adoption friend that helps me see the real blessings. The reason why we are all in this together.
Thank you for joining us on our Journey. I know it is far from over. We have the rest of our lives to learn more about adoption as it continue to bless our lives.
Thank you for the support, the love and the wonderful examples that you are. You are what keeps us going from day to day. You are what makes it possible to start over. I will be eternally grateful for all of my fabulous adoption friends! They rock!
And this my friends is my presentation on hope! Ha ha! I guess maybe I still haven't figured it out. :)
