Horrorscope

With the help of iTunes shuffle, I have decided to read YOUR PERSONAL horoscope for the year of 2011, thus saving you the trouble of having to live out the year yourself. Beginning with:

January: Slayer - God Hates Us All - Here Comes the Pain. The year starts on a very positive note, as you're already no doubt aware because your love life is fulfilling and your bank account is full and you've just received a promotion to a job within a major corporation that spends all of its free time helping the homeless.

February: P.O.D. - Satellite - Boom. Next month, the moon will collide with the Earth and both will explode. But then they will recover. And then things will go seriously downhill.

March: The Allman Brothers Band - The Devil's Rejects (motion picture soundtrack) - Midnight Rider. In March, you will sit down to write a simple blog post and then will be traumatized when you are forced to write something really long when you thought you would be getting away with a cheat.

April: Slayer - Cult (single) - Cult. As part of a twelve step recovery program, you will join a group of very nice people who worship Giant Atomic Chickens. I will be your Grand Poobah / Father Confessor / Messiah / Bunny Rancher. Make checks payable to me. You know you have the money (see January).

May: Christian Altenburger, Helmut Winschermann, German Bach Soloists - Top 100 Masterpieces of Classical Music (disk 2) - Mozart Violin Concerto #3 in G, KV216 - Movement 1. You will have a flashback to March and wonder just what the hell you were complaining about then.

June: The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Are You Experienced? You are not now nor will you ever be.

July: Soundgarden - Down on the Upside - Switch Opens. The summer kicks into high gear emo style. You will begin to wear dark clothing and bitch about the heat. July makes little sense, and neither does this prediction.

August: Kiss - Destroyer - King of the Nighttime World. Things finally begin to look up after a long, hot summer when you become a vampire just in time for the nation to be gripped by Twilight fever when Twilight #258 - The Undead Have Are Boring and Morose Motherfuckers (the IMAX experience) hits theaters.

September: Spinal Tap - This is Spinal Tap - Sex Farm. Those sidelong glances and "accidental" touches finally pay off when, after an extensive hay-baling session, you finally get to make it with the family goat. Perv.

October: Alice Cooper - Trash - Only My Heart Talkin'. Alas, the courthouse will deny your petition for a vampire / goat wedding when rumors emerge that one of you might be gay.

November: Slayer - Undisputed Attitude - Spiritual Law. Heartbroken, you will try to turn your problems over to God only to learn that the GAC worshippers based their theology on a truncated Mayan calendar and believe the world has already ended (wikipedia The Apeckalypse for more info).

December: King Diamond - Fatal Portrait - The Portrait. All will be well in the holiday season and you should not worry at all that the Hannukwanzaramadamasux prediction is based on a song written by a Satanist about a girl's soul being stolen. (True prediction - you will burst into flames.)

Notes: idea scavenged from Pearl. Also, if any of this proves to be less than 100% accurate, a printout of this post will be considered legal evidence in a lawsuit against Apple.

Obligatory Giving Thanks Post

I am thankful for drug bunnies, whiskey, the new waitress at the yakitori restaurant (I nicknamed her Velma), Satan, and (in case I've neglected to mention them) Asian women, especially J-bunnies.

And this meme courtesy of (who else) Avitable. This hoary meme asks that you put your iTunes on shuffle and post the song titles as answers to the questions. I excluded tracks that were soundtracks or J-lessons. When others do this they claim the results are eerily prophetic. That didn't happen for me, especially for the question about lust that was answered by a band with the word "butthole" in their name.

Q: How does the world see me?
A: Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight (Spinal Tap)

Q: Will I have a happy life?
A: Never the Machine Forever (Soundgarden)

Q: What do my friends really think of me?
A: Thorn Within (Metallica)

Q: Do people secretly lust after me?
A: Lonesome Bulldog 3 (Butthole Surfers)

Q: How can I make myself happy?
A: Blow Up the Outside World (Soundgarden)

Q: What should I do with my life?
A: Briefcase Full of Guts (Dethklok)

Q: Will I ever have children?
A: Lady Evil (Black Sabbath)

Q: What is some good advice for me?
A: Perversion (Rob Zombie)

Q: How will I be remembered?
A: Crying (Roy Orbison)

Q: What do I think my current theme song is?
A: Spirit in Black (Slayer)

Q: What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
A: New Faith (Slayer)

Q: What song will play at my funeral?
A: Skeleton Christ (Slayer)

Q: What type of men/women do I like?
A: New Damage (Soundgarden) / Welcome Home (Sanitarium) (Metallica)

Day 13

Continuing the 30 Days of Honesty meme with day 13 because, on reflection, days 1 – 12 sounded like whiny little invitations to my very own pity party.

Dear King Diamond,

Thank you for your wonderful music. While there is no shortage of posers screeching about killing their cats for Satan, it warms my heart to know there are also artists, such as yourself, who are true to their religious beliefs while screaming about killing your cats for Satan. Please know that when I was in basic training and thought that all that Army stuff wasn’t as much fun as I’d hoped and wanted to drop out and just kill people in the civilian marketplace, I was able to look around at all the Jebus freaks who talked a good game but couldn’t endure, get in touch with my inner hatred, sack up and drive on. Songs like Black Masses and Nuns Have No Fun listened to late at night on my smuggled Walkman were particularly uplifting. You are awesome.

But not bunny-awesome.


- Yours in Satan,

Grant

Movie Notes

Not actual reviews, just a few recent observations.

Transformers 2: I don't get all the complaining. I'll admit this is not a great movie, but when you go to a Michael Bay film sequel based on a line of Hasbro toys, are you really expecting Girl with a Pearl Earring? If you want big, dumb, loud action, this is it. I agree that it is an assault on the senses, but that's a description of the experience and not a criticism. If you go to a Metallica concert and claw your way through the pit to the front row (I did this in Germany and Alabama), are you later going to complain that the music was too loud? At a heavy metal concert? Note - I have yet to see any geesers at an Anthrax concert shouting "Turn it down - we're trying to talk here!"

For all the summer blockbusters I've seen, I think only Star Trek was better. Terminator 4 was competently made, although a waste of acting talent, and Wolverine was a disappointment. The special effects in T2 were a bit overdone, but the composition of the shots was usually clear and not dizzying. I also don't get the claims that the plot was incomprehensible. It wasn't even convoluted. If you can't follow this one, you either spent half of the movie freebasing cocaine in the bathroom, you have a life-threatening case of ADHD, or you couldn't keep up with the romantic subplots in Green Eggs & Ham.

IMAX Lite: Some theatres are now showing IMAX movies at full IMAX price, but not informing audiences that it is not in the original IMAX format. The persons responsible for this should be publicly executed, preferably by anal rape. However, I saw T2 in what I've dubbed IMAX Lite format and was surprised to find it less of a disappointment than than expected. The biggest letdown was the sound quality. In a regular IMAX theatre, you can experience true surround sound. In the IMAX Lite, they just upped the volume to a newly discovered level (threat-level red or Death Star or something). The bass pounded in my chest, which I might have liked a couple of years ago, but now doesn't go well with my chronic chest pains. The screen is smaller, but you can sit closer to it (too close, in my case) so the diminished size isn't as big of a deal. The thing that bothers me is the change in dimensions. If you look at the picture in the link, the real IMAX format gives you a better sense of vertigo than the cropped version. Directors who film a movie with the IMAX format in mind might find their art unintentionally altered by the change.

Digital and Disney Digital 3D: wastes of money. When I left Star Trek, I didn't say to myself "Gee, that would have been really good if only the picture wasn't so fuzzy." I don't know how good your eyesight would have to be to tell the difference between a regular film and a digital one, but obviously it must be better than mine. If you can see a difference between 24- and 32-bit color depth on your monitor, then go ahead and pay the extra $3 for the digital film. And the 3-D is a complete joke. In most scenes it is indistinguishable from 2-D, plus the glasses dull the color pallette, which is a real shame with movies like Up.

Advertisement: before T2 began, they advertised the coming of two well-known operas (I forget their names). Opera advertised at a Transformers IMAX film? If someone asks you "Would you rather we get balcony seats at the symphony, or do you want to muck into the mosh pit at a Slayer concert?" and your response is "Which ever one's closer to a place that serves Korean BBQ", then this ad was aimed at you. And me, for that matter.

Two and a J-bunny

Answer #2 to the truth and lie meme.

I was sent to an all-boy Baptist military boarding academy in Vermont as a teenager, but was expelled for using witchcraft. Actually the charge stemmed from the cover art on one of my CDs.

This is the one that is serious BS, although it sounds like something that would happen to me, especially if you know my taste in music. If you’ve been reading this blog since 2005 (doubtful, since all of my blogpals from those days have either quit blogging or hate me now), you may remember that part of this is true, but it didn’t happen to me. A coworker’s daughter was booted from a Baptist bible camp for practicing witchcraft, but the true story was that she was developing breasts faster than a rival girl (the granddaughter of the camp owners) who made the claim. Full story is here, but the quick version is that the rival girl tried to get her in trouble by getting a guy to sleep with her, then when she rejected his advances he slapped her bible from her hand causing a CD insert she was using as a bookmark to tumble to the floor, then he called her a witch because of the artwork (I don’t remember the band, but it was a mainstream pop group) and she replied “Yeah, and I’ll put a spell on you.” After that, the rival told her grandparents that the girl was practicing witchcraft and they called my coworker and told him to retrieve his heathen child. Being a typical parent, the coworker grounded his daughter on the basis that an adult accused her of something (he had a history of ignoring his children in favor of listening to strangers). She was pardoned after bible camp let out and the other kids returned home and told the true story of what happened.

The other part almost became true - my mother once tried to ship me to a Baptist military boarding school in Vermont. I would have been thrilled to get away from her and it was always my dream to go to a real military academy where they taught useful skills such as Grinding Your Enemies’ Skulls Under Your Jackboot Heel 101 and Advanced Foxhole Digging, but a Baptist military school? I read the brochure and discovered it had no affiliation with the military, they just used military style conformity (the uniforms looked like Confederate infantry with plumed hats) and discipline to push xtianity down their students’ young throats. Every adult that worked there was a Baptist minister. In particular, I remember one passage in the brochure where they described a typical first day. First, the minister / barber shaves your head, during which “You might even get a friendly sermon, too.” Bleah. So, when my mother put the application form and check in the mailbox I retrieved them, tore them into pieces, and flushed the bits down the toilet. By the time she realized the check hadn’t been cashed, it was too late to enroll me. I should have donated the check to a group of Satanists, but I didn’t think of that until now.

If you read all that, you deserve a bunny.

Bunny!

Don’t Read This, part 2

After the Japanese porn industry icked me out (not hard, since I cringe at two guys on one girl scenes), the Japanese continued their assault using video games. You know video games – harmless little diversions with Italian carpenters jumping over barrels, yellow things muching dots and fleeing ghosts, or something featuring a pleasant Sunday drive*.

Naturally, the Japanese didn’t leave it at innocuous little diversions like Grand Theft Auto. They created the dating sim genre, which involves story lines wherein the main character (you) gets to have pixilated sex (or non-pixilated in some countries) as a reward for making the right choices. I played and reviewed Kana – Little Sister, which is the touching story of a boy caring for his younger sister who faces a shortened life filled with illness. If you do the right things for her, you will get to boink her before she dies. (if you make a lot of right choices, she doesn’t die but you still have sex) The creators of that game also made another one which implies you can have sex with any female character in the game. It’s available for Western audiences, whose squeamishness was placated by promising that all characters are over eighteen (your character is 20). I looked at the cover and I have a few questions:
1. Despite the ages, why are all the main characters still in high school? Is this supposed to be retard porn?
2. Am I not supposed to be disturbed by the fact that one thinks she is a fairy and eats out of trash cans?
3. Are the hinted themes of asphyxiation, drug abuse, and snuff films part of the sex bits, or separate diversions?
4. Why is your younger sister on the roster and why, despite being labeled as eighteen, does she look more like eight or ten?


If you think a line should be drawn delineating some as harmless role-playing games and others as pedophile rapist training material, then RapeLay is nowhere near that line. In that story you play a pervert who captures and repeatedly rapes a family of women, comprised of the mother, teenaged daughter, and her younger adolescent sister. This is supposedly the most extreme game of its kind on the market, but if you think it can’t get any worse than that, then be thankful you don’t have my imagination. Trust me – it can get way worse.

Despite my initial revulsion, I’m still against most censorship in the arts (using real children in porn is way out). I’m generally in favor of balance and drawing a line somewhere on just about everything, but having seen politicians attempt to ban mainstream pornography, heavy metal music, and gay marriage, I’m more than a little leery of giving them any more say in what people need. I agree that we don’t need RapeLay, but I also don’t see a need for sugary breakfast cereals, Adam Sandler movies, Barbie Fashion Show, or religion in general. Lending credence to my fears, this article rips on RapeLay, but by the end it segues into calling for a need to bring down GTA. I'm more of a "down with those people who are down on that sort of thing" guy. Besides, I may not complain if RapeLay (and Kana) are banned from the U.S., but if you try to take my Carmageddon games from me or insist that violent video games encourage violent behavior, then I'll feed you into a burning scroll saw.

* The Carmageddon series is as close to video game porn I can imagine using – senseless graphic violence, raw horsepower, and a heavy metal soundtrack, but it’s hard to masturbate while driving stick. Still, I’ll give it a shot if the developers ever come out with an Asian schoolgirl expansion pack.

Awesome Monday

First it started with Galmet - an all-girl Japanese death metal band.

Direct link.

Then I discovered Lujaneeza - the singer looks Asian.

Direct link.

Then I found Ikaten - I'm not sure if that's the band or the name of the show. They're not the prettiest J-bunnies ever, but chicks in bands (especially bass players and drummers) are hot.

Direct link.

Then I discovered Vyson - you can't really see them well here, but they are hot and the song title is Killer Pussy which makes them even more awesome.

Direct link.
Another song is here. It's all stillshots instead of video, but in the middle is a picture of the band, any one of which would make a good present to me.

And here is a creation using Haruhi and friends from anime series The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It's all kinds of awesome. A quartet of hot Japanese schoolgirls form a band with two dressed in schoolgirl outfits, Haruhi dressed as a sexy bunny, and the other lead guitarist dressed as a witch. The first song is Kill You by Dethklok - a lovely song for the ladies. Note - Pickles is singing instead of Nathan Explosion.

Direct link. Below is the same scene, but now it's set to Painkiller by Judas Priest.

Direct link. And again, but now it's Nemesis by Arch Enemy.

Direct link.

As the Head Honcho of the United States of Bunny, I approve of this growing trend. And here are a few more items of awesomeness:

Avitameme

I have nothing to blog about these days except my recovery (I'm in pain! I think this is what pain feels like!) and paying hospital bills (see previous note), so I'm doing Avitable's meme.

My favorite age: cretaceous.
My best friend: Nunya Bidness.
My celebrity crush: えびちゃん。

My defining characteristic: lack of basic sanity.
My most evil moment: I once dared a friend to join me in a shot of Sheep Dip, a brand of scotch that doesn't taste nearly as good as the label would indicate. Little did he know that, while he was in the bathroom, I ordered butterscotch schnappes for myself. I downed it and pretended to grimace, then said it was his turn.
My favorite food: panang curry with chicken, peppers, and green beans over rice with jasmine tea. Formerly lasagna.
My grossest injury: I once cracked my head on the ceiling of our house, tearing the scalp from one side to the other and opening an artery. Go ahead, say it - it explains a lot.
My biggest hatred: hypocrite xtians in any so-called organized religion.
My most illegal activity: I used to steal from my employers when I felt they owed me. For example, when a promised raise didn't go through while working for a national pizza pizza chain, every work day I calculated how much they owed me and then took what was owed (and no more) from the register.
My need for justice: rude people should all be killed as a lesson to others to watch their manners.
My most knowledgeable field: I know all that there is to be known except how to get a Japanese girlfriend. Also I'm good with English and Databases.
My life's goal: I currently have no goals beyond dinner.
My mother's influence: why do you think I turned out this way?
My nerdiest point: probably playing AD&D in the Army. I don't know why I liked fantasizing about killing people with a battle axe when I was paid to kill people with a machine gun.
My oldest memory: looking up from my box at my parents. Seriously - as a baby, I didn't have a crib. I had a cardboard box with a blanket. It was nice and warm.
My perfect date: maybe a nice movie, then discussion of the movie over dinner follwed by a nightcap and anal sex. Preferably with えびちゃん and her twin sister.
My unanswered question: if god already has a plan, how are your prayers supposed to change it?
My random fact: I can't stand to look at my reflection or hear my recorded voice. Or hear anything I've written read out loud.
My stupidest decision: I don't need insurance. I never get sick, and in the event of an emergency the VA will take care of me.
My favorite television show: probably Dexter, because I understand the main character better than you. Yes, I do.
My style of underwear: Boxer briefs.
My favorite vegetable: かぼちゃ。
My weakest trait: I have no weaknesses.
My X-men power: I like Legion's pyrokinesis - the ability to set and control fires with the mind. With that, my roads would always be clear, rude people would vanish like smoke (exactly like smoke), and my sushi would never again be undercooked.
My strongest yearning: Bunny!

My moment of Zen: Driving fast at night with the windows down and music blasting. (That was actually Avi's answer, but it covers me as well. When I die, I want to be listening to Slayer, driving my old 1969 Mustang at 120+ mpg, dousing myself with gasoline, and then setting myself on fire before I get hit by a meteor.)

Post 997

Satan.

Crazy Eights

Metalmom tagged me and I obey. I had nothing to post anyway - I've been too busy to think of anything but databases, and some may think I’ve already posted too many pictures of hot Japanese women (as if that’s possible).

8 things I’m passionate about – books (mostly fiction), writing (mostly checks), death, Japan, extreme movies, heavy metal music, recycling, and hot Asian women (preferably 日本の兎).

8 things I want to do before I die – hot Asian women, learn Japanese (日本語), get another story published, blow up a packed church (I’ve got my eye on a local group of Scientologists), visit Japan, patent my invention the FlameSaw™, get laid without paying for it, and become immortal.

8 things I often say –
Logically, I should do the same to you.
Kill everyone in the name of Satan. (sung to the tune of Skip to my Lou)(you think I’m kidding)
Bunny!
You’re going to burn in Hell…so, let’s dance!
ベットのしたにたこがいます。
Yeah, that’s right, I farted – and I’ll do it again.
You’re doomed…doomed…definitely…doomed.
日本の兎は　セクスを　しませんか。

8 books I’ve read recently
Hearts in Atlantis – Stephen King (read it)
The Children's Story (but Not Just for Children) – James Clavell (read it)
Black Hawk Down – some guy (skip it)
Tarzan of the Apes – Edgar Rice Burroughs
HP VII – Rowling
Freaky Deaky – Elmore Leonard
Trail of the Spanish Bit – Don Coldsmith (yeah, I read Westerns)
The Quantum Rose – Catherine Asaro (yeah, I read romance)

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
Love to Hate – Slayer
God Send Death – Slayer
Cowboys from Hell – Pantera
Sex. Murder. Art – Slayer
Battery – Metallica
O Holy Night – Nat King Cole
Angel of Death – Slayer
Return to Oz – The Scissor Sisters

8 things that attract me to my best friends – their inability to grok my creepy vibe™, my evility, and my super ability to pick up a check. Nothing else – most people revile me on site.

8 people I think should do Crazy 8s – I don’t tag, but if you want a meme, knock yourself out. At least it’s nice and short. What’s with all the 50+ meme questions these days anyway?