How you can make 2010 the year we all make a difference

As a couple of you already heard, I created a great new catch phrase in 2009, easily the equal of "Go for it", "That's hot", and "Meh". It's just as famous as Elvis and the Pope combined, except that nobody knows that. So for this year, I want you all to get the following phrase into the collective consciousness by using it whenever possible:

"Lawsey be! Debbil done et all my peanut butter! I's a-fadin' fast." (note - works best if uttered while fainting) (it will give your new fainting couch a reason for existence)

You don't have to use the whole thing all the time, just the core "debbil done et my peanut butter" part will suffice. Feel free to use it as an interjection, blog fodder, on your resume and tax forms, etc. I think if we all pull together we can make this a reality and can replace such sayings as "death panels", "positive change" and "going rogue".

As a bare minimum, remember to close all of your phone conversations / business memos / e-mails with the phrase "before the Earth is destroyed by Giant Atomic Chickens™ in accordance with Satanic prophecy".

2010 - the year the bloggyverse united the world in harmony.

The Hurt Locker (finally)

Last night I watched Oldboy, a Korean revenge film I highly recommend if you don’t have a problem watching a guy remove somebody’s teeth with a claw hammer, but it wasn’t as good as The Hurt Locker. That’s one of the best movies of the year, equal in quality to Up and Inglourious Basterds, and is Kathryn Bigelow’s best offering to date. Quick disclosure – I was in the Army and did a tour in Iraq, so I acknowledge that maybe the movie resonates more with me because it dredges up old feelings. In any case, I’ll try to keep the spoilers to a minimum.

First off – the R rating is there for a reason. Please do not bring your young children, take them to the lobby when they begin wailing uncontrollably, and then return and force them to endure the rest once they’ve calmed down. Out of the twenty or so people in attendance, there were two so-called sets of parents who did exactly that.

The Hurt Locker starts with a saying, that war is a drug for some, and then centers on a character who is good at his job (defusing bombs in a hostile environment) but takes many unnecessary risks to get his adrenalin fix. Although parts of the movie play like an intense chess match between bomb-maker and bomb-wrecker, this is not a conventional Hollywood flick with a neat little plot that resolves itself in time for the credits to roll. There are unresolved plotlines just like in real life, and although the movie is heavy on drama, I was struck by how many things in it rang true. For instance, it graphically shows that a person cannot possibly outrun an explosion (something the makers of Transformers and GI Joe don’t understand, but then again the GIJ people don’t realize that ice floats).

There is a scene wherein a couple of characters debate whether or not to “accidentally” blow up the lead character, SSG James. A lot of pseudo-realistic war films proselytize the belief that combat is all about the guy next to you, but they never address the problem of what if the guy next to you is more dangerous than the enemy. Full disclosure – I was involved in a plan to “accidentally” shoot our commanding sergeant if he made the mistake of getting anywhere near the fighting, but he wisely fucked us over from the rear echelon.

One character comments on how nice all the tanks look parked on the side of the road. If only the Russians and their armor would invade Iraq, our boys would be where they are needed with the proper equipment. An unfortunate truth is that our military trains to fight previous wars we’ve fought. During my stint, we trained primarily to face the Russians in a land war on open ground in a wooded environment. All the propaganda was geared towards that (“Remember, Ivan is watching you train.”). Then it was announced there was a problem in Kuwait and we had to scramble to repaint our tanks khaki and exchange our forest camouflage for desert fatigues.

The movie is completely apolitical without even a single discussion as to why we are there and if it is justified. It focuses instead on the reality that the soldiers are there and are doing a dangerous job that often has severe consequences. It's uncomfortable to watch the harsh way our soldiers treat their civilians, but it reminds us that in this war the people who approach you as friends look and act like the ones who want to kill you. It’s anti war in that it paints a fairly realistic view of the situation. War is one of those things that can be disparaged simply by depicting it. Despite the fact that the movie was made without the support of the military, it is one of the most pro-military movies I’ve seen. Nobody is depicted as being cowardly, and there is a complete absence of ineptitude and bureaucracy. If you think that, surely, soldiers in combat wouldn’t behave as incompetently as fast food workers, then your combat experience is probably limited to John Wayne movies.

Spoiler alert – skip this paragraph if you intend to see the movie. Short of all the characters being destroyed by Giant Atomic Chickens™ in accordance with Satanic prophecy, I can’t think of a better ending for the film. Killing James on his last day of service would have been a hoary cliché, and simply allowing him to go home after his tour ended would have been a wimpy end to a taut film. Instead it jumps ahead to a time in the near future. His hair is slightly longer, he’s at home with his girlfriend and baby, and yet he looks like he’s just been teleported to a foreign land. His polite dinner conversation is limited to recounting the atrocities he’s witnessed. In the end, he signs up for another tour and the title at the top of the closing screen shows he has another 365 days to go before returning home.

When I left the Army, people complained that all I ever told were military stories. It never occurred to them that I had very few civilian stories because my entire adult life had been spent in the Army. Contrary to what people think, it’s neither a job nor an adventure. It’s a completely different society, and your life is especially different if you are single and living on base without the ability to leave every day, go home to a family, and pretend you have a normal life.

Roger Ebert’s longer and better blog entry about the film is here. Roger, however, completely fails to end his review with a picture of a hot Japanese woman. And to think, he considers himself a professional.

And now I'm one of the cool kids

Because I have gmail. Microsoft carried out their threat to cancel my access to Hotmail via the Outlooks (cretaceous versions), so I converted (praise Jebus / Buddha / Satan / Zeus / Loki / Ra / whoever else I missed). My new e-mail address is granvillem2@gmail.com. I was trying for something like grant@gmail.com, grant2, grantm2, etc., but every name I tried was taken. I almost broke down and went with grantm2howmanygoogleusershavemynameisthisenoughfoxtrotuniformmongolianclusterfuckhaveIcreatedauniqueidyethowaboutnowhuhHuhHUH@gmail.com, but I thought some of you lazy pigs would get tired of typing that, so I just used my full first name and viola! I have e-mail again. Gmail has a much better web interface, making the Outlooks truly obsolete. Now I use Google blogger, reader, and e-mail. I may try Google Chrome just to complete the package. And then I will rely on them completely, just in time for them to go bankrupt and be forced to sell all my data to North Korea as the world is destroyed by Giant Atomic Chickens™, in accordance with Satanic prophecy.

You know I'm right.

Non-bunny post

Stolen from Avitable:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say or That I Should Say to Certain People:

1. I’m sorry, this conversation is all my fault – I expressed an interest. Please understand that I was just being polite and I really don’t care.
2. Am I allowed to hate you for your stupidity, or should I feel pity because you’re so moronic you’ve probably crossed the line into retardation?
3. BUNNY! Bunnybunnybunnybunnybunny - mybunny.*
4. You would look good wearing a roadside ditch and maggots. I can help you with that.
5. Would you like to have dinner with me?
6. I admire your ability to stay employed.
7. The world is fated to be destroyed by Giant Atomic Chickens™ in accordance with glorious Satanic prophecy.
八．日本語をはなしてもいいですか。
9. Ooh – shart!
10. The world would be a better place if you were dead. You have no value beyond being a consumer, and you don’t even spend that much.

What things would you say?

* Actually, my internal reaction to seeing an Asian woman is like this – just replace the word “bubbles” with “bunny”.

WWC

Since I have nothing on my mind except the antibiotic-induced sharty hell I am enduring, I thought today I'd do something completely different and participate in the Weekly Word Challenge. The rules are simple:

1. I assume they're simple. I didn't bother to look them up.


2. I think that every week somebody picks some words and we're supposed to post pictures that demonstrate the concept.


3. I'm guessing that this is supposed to open a hidden window into our soul, to show a side of ourselves previously unseen on our blogs. Sort of like a Rorschach test, but without the stupid inkblots.

Courtesy of Cynical Bastard, this week's words are Home and Door. I was hoping for something with a little more punch, like Blasphemy or Chainsaw Butchery or Giant Atomic Chickens™, but I guess it's best to ease into these things.

I want one of these at home:

Behind a locked door.

In my home behind the locked door of my walk-in closet, which has been soundproofed and reinforced with spiked bars and is now called the BunnyCage (patent pending).

I'll even eat those disgusting McDonald's McCrapwiches if it gets her hot. One order of the McGoma to go, please.

With a side order of J-bunnies.

Later posts will return to my normal topics.

Y2K won't go away

The Coke I just drank had drink-by date of May 1908. Maybe that's why the machine gave me extra change in return. I actually made a profit on this one.

If you don't see me in the near future, it's either because of work or the Giant Atomic Chickens™. Either way, send help.