This post is more serious and emotional in nature and contains a lot of self disclosure. I've had this on my mind for a long time and I thought it might be good for me to write about it. I in no way mean this blog to feel bad for myself or for any of you to pity me, I just think it is healthy to deal with tough situations in a good way and I have learned some great things from having had lived through some painful times.
Ever since Gabbie was born when I sit up with her in the wee hours of the morning, I look into her beautiful face and I think about things I want to teach her and also worry about the things she will have to go through in this life. No doubt she will receive her fair share of struggles and trials and the best thing I can do as a mother is to teach her how to deal with them in a healthy way. I believe one of my greatest strengths is resiliency and the ability to adapt to change: good or bad. In recent years I have learned how to look at a bad situation and wonder what positive lesson I can learn from it. Doing so has helped me count my blessings and also see what great strengthening qualities I have obtained from going through something hard. There is one part of my life I have never understood why I have had to go through until now.
Growing up, I was bullied. Not just once or twice but many, many times. I look back now and wonder, was I really that weak or that big of a loser for so many people to pick on? Even some of my so called "friends" turned their backs on me from time to time. These experiences have had some long term effects on me and I am beginning to realize now that I am who I am in many characteristics because I endured bullying. Growing up I was severely depressed and had very low self-esteem. I took what the bullies said to heart and it was painful. How in the world could junior high and high school kids be so mean? I have always tried to a kind person and it just baffles me that anyone could treat someone with such disrespect and abuse. Even when I was a cheerleader, the bullying continued and probably was even more relentless at that time. People usually wouldn't think that would happen to a cheerleader due to the stereotype but it's true! Those girls were very mean and petty and knowing what I do now, I would have not participated in that activity. When I entered high school I did establish some great, close friendships with people whom I still love and adore (AKA Annalise and Jessica). They helped me tremendously and I am thankful I had them when I was at my lowest. When I left high school I went to a college no one else was going to and when Todd came into my life, I was over joyed! Now it was my time to move ahead and even today I am convinced Todd is the perfect one for me.
For years I have looked back on the experiences I went through with certain people and my heart would be full of hurt and anger. I would constantly wonder why it was necessary for me to go through years of bullying. Finally for the first time the other night, I realized why. During those times when I did not have a ton of people I could call friends or trust, I developed early on a great relationship with my parents and also in the being I believe is God. None of them ever left me and were a great support system. I developed a lot of faith and maturity for someone my age and as a result, have had great opportunities for growth. I have also learned to deal with tough times in healthy ways that are not self-destructive nor abusive of the rights of others. I have learned compassion and love for the under dog and most of all, I have learned that I am a good person who is capable of being loved and deserving of friendship. I hope to teach Gabbie, as my parents did, that she is beautiful inside and out, that her dad and I will always, always accept her for who she is and our home is a safe haven from the world. I also hope to teach her resiliency. In the eyes of hard times, you can choose to be a victim or you can choose to learn something positive from it. If you choose the latter, you will grow more and gain more self esteem instead of wallowing in self pity. I also hope to teach her to be a nice person. I want her to accept people regardless of what they look like or if they are total dorks at school. I want her to know that she has a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who love her and care about her. I want to teach her to be assertive and stick up for herself. I've always been thin skinned but I have learned to hold my own ground and stand up for myself so I don't get walked all over and it's felt amazing! I can't control what people will do or say to Gabbie but I can teach her to feel good about herself, trust Todd and I and her Heavenly Father and do unto others as she would have them do to her. Life is tough but when we look at painful situations as opportunities for self-improvement, I speak from experience that they are fully worth it!
