TV Quote of the Day (‘New Girl,’ on Jess’s Consumption of Reality TV)

Cece [played by Hannah Simone]: “Even Jess didn't want to hear about it, and she'll listen to Schmidt discussing Andy Cohen discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe.”—New Girl, Season 4, Episode 17, “Spiderhunt,” original air date Feb. 24, 2015, teleplay by Berkley Johnson, directed by Steve Welch

Is Jess these days listening to Andy Cohen’s reactions to the following bits of blowback to his reality TV empire:

*Former Real Housewives of New York City star Bethenny Frankel’s assertion that reality TV exploits its stars?

*Former RHONJ star Caroline Manzo’s charge that she was sexually harassed and assaulted by former Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville?

*Former RHNYC Housewife Leah McSweeney’s lawsuit claiming that Bravo and Cohen encouraged substance abuse?

How will Cohen keep all his courtroom dates and uncomfortable media interviews straight? And how will I ever manage to write a sentence about the personalities in Cohen’s reality TV franchise without using the word “former” in connection with them?

(This post is for a friend of mine—AND HE KNOWS WHO HE IS!!!—who is quite the fan of Zooey Deschanel, the actress who played Jess, in the image accompanying this post.)

TV Quote of the Day (‘Parks and Recreation,’ as Ron Explains How He Discourages Chumminess)

Ron Swanson [played by Nick Offerman]: “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care.” —Parks and Recreation, Season 4, Episode 3, “Born and Raised,” original air date Oct. 6, 2011, teleplay by Aisha Muharrar, directed by Dean Holland

TV Quote of the Day (‘Get Smart,’ As Max Resists Disassembling His Robot and ‘Friend’)

[The robot Hymie—originally programmed by Maxwell Smart, then seized and reprogrammed by KAOS—has attempted to assassinate Chief before being stopped by Smart. Now, the agent is reluctant to obey his superior’s order to disassemble this robot that had once saved Max’s life.]

Maxwell Smart [played by Don Adams]: “You can't destroy Hymie. Hymie's my friend!”

Chief [played by Edward Platt]: “Max, this ‘friend’ just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands. How do you explain that?”

Smart: “I said he was my friend, not yours.”—Get Smart, Season 2, Episode 1, “Anatomy of a Lover,” original air date Sept. 17, 1966, teleplay by Gary Clarke (under his birth name, "C.F. Lamoreaux"), directed by Bruce Bilson

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Jack Benny Program,’ As Jack Demands Top Service for His Money)

Jack Benny: “I’ll have a haircut.”

Harry, the Barber [played by Richard Deacon]: “Will you roll up your sleeves, please?”

Jack: “What? Roll up my sleeves for a haircut?”

Harry: “Don’t you want your Novocaine?”

Jack: “Don’t be so funny! Just give me a haircut.”

Harry: “Yes, sir.”

Jack [calling for the owner]: “Andre?”

Andre [played by Rolfe Sedan]: “Yes, Mr. Benny?”

Jack: “While I’m having a haircut, I’ll have a manicure, too.”

Andre: “A manicure? Certainly. I’ll get one of the girls.”

[Andre asks the trio of women in the shop, each of whom refuses.]

Andre [pleadingly]: “Now, girls, you’ve got to help me through this. Who took care of him last time?”

Helen: “I did. For a dollar and a half, I worked on his nails for an hour.”

Andre: “An hour for a manicure? Why so long?”

Helen: “When I got through with his nails, he took off his shoes.”— The Jack Benny Program, Season 11, Episode 4, “Jack’s Hong Kong Suit,” original air date Nov. 6, 1960, teleplay by Sam Perrin, George Balzer, Al Gordon, and Hal Goldman, directed by Frederick De Cordova

TV Quote of the Day (‘Get Smart,’ As Max Tries a Stock Phrase for the First Time)

Maxwell Smart [played by Don Adams]: “You see, the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters, and I happen to know that at this very minute, seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat. Wouldya believe it? Seven.”

Mr. Big [played by Michael Dunn]: “I find that pretty hard to believe.”

Smart [slightly hesitating]: “Wouldya believe six?”

Mr. Big: “I don't think so.”

Smart: “How about two cops in a rowboat?”— Get Smart, Season 1, Episode 1, “Mr. Big,” original air date Sept. 18, 1965, teleplay by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry, directed by Howard Morris

For the first time the other night, I watched the pilot—the only episode shot in black and white—of the classic Sixties comedy, Get Smart. I was convulsed with laughter from the opening minutes to the last, but especially by this scene involving the clueless spy who, co-creators Brooks and Henry said over the years, was a cross between James Bond and Inspector Clouseau.

The “wouldya believe” line, I learned from the Season 1 DVD of the series, was one that Don Adams came up with. It turned into one of the great running gags of the show.

In the image accompanying this post, Smart’s colleague, Agent 99 (played by Barbara Feldon), has taken off her cap and let her hair down. Her partner is astonished to discover that she’s a woman.

A friend of mine (AND HE KNOWS WHO HE IS!!!), quite a Feldon fan, would be astonished that Smart is astonished. As a mere youngster in the 1960s, I am sure he would not mind telling you, even he would have been able to see that Feldon was a woman from 10 miles away. It was one of the first indications that the spy's surname was ironic.

TV Quote of the Day (‘3rd Rock from the Sun,’ With an Observation Inspired by a New Year’s Eve Party)

"Like bread in the fondue pot, so are the days of our lives."— 3rd Rock from the Sun, Season 4, Episode 9, “Happy New Dick!” original air date Dec. 15, 1998, teleplay by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Christine Zander, directed by Terry Hughes

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Honeymooners,’ As Ralph Tries Out an Anger-Management Technique on Norton)

Ralph Kramden [played by Jackie Gleason][reciting a mantra he’s been given to deal with his anger and nervousness]: “ ‘Pins and needles, needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins.’ Now, what am I mad about?”

Ed Norton [played by Art Carney]: “They raised the rent 15%.”

[Immediately, a dark cloud crosses Ralph’s face.]—The Honeymooners, Season 1, Episode 24, “Please Leave the Premises,” original air date Mar. 10, 1956, teleplay by Marvin Marx and Walter Stone, directed by Frank Satenstein

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Addams Family,’ As Morticia Demonstrates Her Knowledge of American History)

Morticia Frump Addams [played by Carolyn Jones]: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'"

Gomez Addams [played by John Astin]: “Lincoln?”

Morticia: “Jefferson.”— The Addams Family, Season 2, Episode 10, “Gomez, the Reluctant Lover,” original air date Nov. 19, 1965, teleplay by Charles R. Marion and Leo Rifkin, directed by Sidney Lanfield

What better intro to the Fourth of July weekend than this unexpected morsel of U.S. history?

I would love to see Morticia Addams on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. True, she might need an English major (especially one familiar with the Victorian poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson) as a lifeline. But it would be so much fun to watch this delicious matriarch of the offbeat Sixties sitcom hobble over to the podium in those tiny steps in that black form-fitting gown.

Her answers would be so loopy that fans would boo the real ones offered by the host as dreadfully uninspired. And, with the devoted but delightfully demented Gomez cheering her on in the audience, anything could happen. (How about Lurch as the next host, with Thing silently but visibly providing the answers?)

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Office,’ Seeking a ‘Golden Ticket’ Out of the Latest Snafu)

Michael Scott [played by Steve Carell]: “Okay, we need a golden-ticket idea to get us out of this mess." [Pam has her hand raised] "Yes?”

Pam Beesly [played by Jenna Fischer]: “Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?”

Jim Halpert [played by John Krasinski]: “Good one.”— The Office, Season 5, Episode 17, “Golden Ticket,” original air date Mar. 12, 2009, teleplay by Mindy Kaling, directed by Randall Einhorn    

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Big Bang Theory,’ on Leonard's Projected Life Without Penny)

Dr. Sheldon Cooper [played by Jim Parsons]: “Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from ‘Scooby Doo’ cartoons comes to mind.” —The Big Bang Theory, Season 1, Episode 17, “The Tangerine Factor,” original air date May 19, 2008, teleplay by Lee Aronsohn and Steven Molaro, directed by Mark Cendrowski

TV Quote of the Day (‘Slings and Arrows,’ on ‘Theater Ethics’)

Geoffrey Tennant, artistic director of the fictional New Burbage Festival [played by Paul Gross]: “I have a responsibility to the entire company, to the festival. This is about theater ethics.”

Ghost of Oliver Welles, his predecessor [played by Stephen Ouimette]: “Theater ethics? That's like saying ‘whorehouse morals.’"—Slings and Arrows, Season 3, Episode 3, “That Way Madness Lies,” original air date Aug. 7, 2006, teleplay by Susan Coyne, Bob Martin and Mark McKinney, directed by Peter Wellington

TV Quote of the Day (‘Sanford and Son,’ on a Visiting Young Woman)

Fred G. Sanford [played by Redd Foxx]: [In the kitchen discussing Betty Jean]: “That's a big girl, ain't it, son?”

Lamont Sanford [played by Demond Wilson]: “And she say she lost 40 pounds.”

Fred: “If she look behind her, she'll find it.”— Sanford and Son, Season 2, Episode 3, “The Dowry,” original air date Sept. 29, 1972, teleplay by Richard Pryor and Paul Mooney, directed by Jack Shea

TV Quote of the Day (‘Seinfeld,’ on Kramer’s Unusual Impact)

Susan [played by Heidi Swedberg]: “Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!”

Jerry [played by Jerry Seinfeld]: “Susan??!!”

Susan: “Kramer!”

Jerry: “What is going on?”

Susan: “You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me!”

George [played by Jason Alexander]: “He stole your girlfriend?”

Susan: “Yes. She's in love with him!”

George: “Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.”— Seinfeld, Season 4, Episode 21, “The Smelly Car,” original air date Apr. 14, 1993, teleplay by Larry David and Peter Mehlman, directed by Tom Cherones

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Munsters,’ As Herman Becomes a Beat Poet for the Night)

[A gang of hipsters, lured by a rock ‘n’ roll band, has descended on 1313 Mockingbird Lane. The Munsters come home and, against their initial instincts, find themselves drawn to the youngsters—with Herman even corralled to address the small gathering.]

Lily Munster [played by Yvonne De Carlo]: “Oh dear, I think he's going to recite!”

Herman Munster [played by Fred Gwynne]:

“Ibbedy bibbedy, sibbedy sab,

Ibbediy bibbedy canal boat.

“Dictionary down the ferry,

Mary, Mary quite contrary.

[nervously]: Ehm...

“Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,

Fuzzy Wuzzy lost his hair.

“Scooba doo and scooba die,

That's chicken's not too young to fry.

“Life is real, life is earnest.

If you're cold, turn up the furnace.”

[Uncertainly, grasping the moment for a quick exit] “Eh, I, I thank you.”

[Riotous applause]

Man with the Beard [played by Zalman King]: “Man, that guy is deep!”— The Munsters, Season 1, Episode 26, “Far Out Munsters,” original air date Mar. 18, 1965, teleplay by Dick Conway, Joe Connelly and Bob Mosher, directed by Joseph Pevney

TV Quote of the Day (‘Seinfeld,’ on Kramer’s Art Studio ‘Little Secret’)

[Kramer is posing in the art studio of Nina West, Jerry’s current girlfriend.]

Nina West [played by Catherine Keener]: (laughing) “Kramer, would you hold still? I can’t do this if you keep moving.”

Kramer [played by Michael Richards]: “You sure you don’t want me to take my clothes off?” (beat) “I’ll do it!”

Nina: “No, that’s the last thing in the world I want you to do.”

Kramer: “Well, why don’t you take your clothes off?”

Nina: “I don’t know... I don’t think Jerry would like that.”

Kramer (debonair smile): “Well, it’d be our little secret.”—Seinfeld, Season 3, Episode 21, “The Letter,” original air date Mar. 25, 1992, teleplay by Larry David, directed by Tom Cherones

TV Quote of the Day (‘The Good Place,’ on Affleck's 'Batman' and Turning Over a New Leaf)

“No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, ‘Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman!’"—Tahani (played by Jamella Jamil) to Michael (Ted Danson), on The Good Place, Season 2, Episode 8, “Leap to Faith,” Jan. 4, 2018, teleplay by Christopher Encell, directed by Linda Mendoza

TV Quote of the Day (‘30 Rock,’ In Which Tracy Experiences Other Dimensions)

“Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.”—Tracy Jordan (played by Tracy Morgan), 30 Rock, Season 3, Episode 18, “Jackie Jormp-Jomp,” original air date Apr. 16, 2009, teleplay by Kay Cannon and Tracey Wigfield, directed by Don Scardino