I had been anticipating another huge Thursday since weeks ago, it was to be my follow-up CD4 count, my first after being on ARVs for the past six months. This would tell for certain whether or not my ARVs are working. This would determine whether I was taking proper care of myself and doing the right things to keep my health up. This was to be a make or break thing.
Let me introduce a new addition to my alphabet friends, O. The one thing that stuck with me about O was the fact that on a number of occasions, people have actually mistaken each of us for the other. O and I had bumped into each other a number of times before at the RITM, but never really got to talk much. I guess we were the same type, preferring to stick with the people we already knew. But due to some extremely unusual circumstances, and with U’s help, who knew us both, we finally made contact via text messaging. It was natural for the three of us to gravitate towards one another because of the proximities of where we lived.
O and I met a couple of times after that and gotten the chance to talk, discovering we’d actually met in a group of common friends many, many years ago. Of course, we chatted about family, work, our HIV journeys, and everything else under the sun. And we also found out that we were both scheduled for a CD4 count this month, and just happened to set it on the same date, so we agreed to go together.
We had met out on EDSA at 7:00 am, thinking it would give us enough time to get to the RITM before 9:00, the time that Ate told us to be there for blood extraction in time for the running of the CD4 batch. But like a really bad joke, we seemed to have been sucked into all the possible traffic there was, so much so that we had to be constantly reassuring Ate via text that we were indeed on our way, practically begging for her to wait for us before the batch of samples was run.
And sure enough, after about three hours on the road spent chitchatting, joking around, yawning and stressing out a bit, O and I finally reached the RITM just a couple of minutes before 10:00 am, the ultimate final leeway that Ate had given us.
After several vials of blood each and with that mission behind us, O and I both decided not to report for our respective jobs for the rest of the day, not that I really could because I was just wearing a shirt and a pair of shorts. We just agreed to wait for the results to be released at around 3:00 pm. I was really the one more excited to wait, this being my first CD4 count since starting ARVs.
So some brunch, a bit of hanging around, a med refill and even a movie session at Festival Mall later, it was time for the verdict. We trekked back to Ate, and waited anxiously. Finally the call came in. The lab wasn’t ready to release the hard copies, so they just dictated the result to Ate over the phone. O and I both tried desperately to read her reaction, and figured that at least one of us had done well, as something caused Ate to mouth out a smiling Oh! as she wrote on her little paper.
Putting the phone down, she teased us a bit with a beaming Hmm!, refusing to read the results out. She handed us the piece of paper, as I heard a drum roll in my head. This is it. This is really is it.
On the piece of paper, next to our initials, were our respective CD4 counts. The good news was that O’s count went up 57 points, and that was absolutely exciting. And mine? From my first CD4 count of 343 back in San Lazaro Hospital in May 2008, to my first at the RITM in August 2008 of 328, my present CD4 count was... JANJARARAAAAN... 484! O as in OMG! Up 156 points! Woohoo!
My worry was suddenly replaced by a whole onslaught of emotions. I wanted to jump, wanted to cry, wanted to pump my fists in the air… of course I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and honestly I felt faint… but it was all good. I just had to sit down and take it all in.
What did this all ultimately mean for me? I could and should stick to what I’ve been doing the past six months.
Taking medicines religiously? Check.
Eating right? Check.
Sleeping early? Yawn. Check.
Working my ass off? Check.
Advocacy? A definite check.
Keeping sane? Check.
Blogging? Check.
Keeping tabs on HIV documentaries? Check.
Harassing stupid people who discriminate against HIV? A feisty check.
Caring for Baby Nathan, his family and others like them? A bouncing baby check.
Keeping my sexlife barely alive? Whew. Check.
Being content with singlehood? Ngargh... but check.
Staying alive, positive and happy? Check, check and one big CHECK.
I guess one change that this result might trigger is that it’s a big leap towards my telling someone in the family. Aside from disclosing that I have HIV, I really wanted to be able to say for sure that I’m stable, taking care of myself and doing well on the medication. And now that I can, it should make things easier for people to understand and not be too shocked at the situation. Anyways, that’ll be a whole different episode.
After a bit of celebration over dinner to cap the night off and calm ourselves down, I was left with a residual high to enjoy for the rest of the evening. Actually, a natural high that might even tide me over the whole weekend. Absolutely O! As in orgasmic!
Friday, February 13, 2009
A Day of O's
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Loophole
I recently encountered another new poz friend. Having lots to share about our new lives, with me just being the least bit further along, he told me he’d be reporting to the Philippine General Hospital, PGH for short, for his HIV support and treatment. “PGH?” I thought to myself. Even being almost six months into my journey, I never even knew that PGH was one of the treatment centers for HIV. Only the RITM and San Lazaro were familiar to me. It reminded me how much there was left to learn... and all the more for those who are just starting their HIV journey.
So finally, I figured it out. I found a way to give the vital information, without needing to succumb to the threats of the paranoid few who do not wish for me to associate their doctors or treatment centers with HIV and AIDS. Here goes...
In 1994, the Philippines’ Department of Health, or DOH established the National AIDS STI Prevention and Control Program, or NASPCP. The NASPCP is under the Infectious Disease Office of the National Center for Disease Prevention and Control, or NCDPC.
In 1995, the DOH, through the Hospital Management Office and the NASPCP enacted guidelines on the creation of HIV-AIDS Core Teams, or HACTs as the focal point for all HIV related services in the hospital setting, including HIV counseling and testing, treatment of opportunistic infections, universal precautions and infection controls, psychosocial support to people living with HIV and AIDS and clinical management of AIDS through provision of anti-retroviral drugs or ARVs.
What follows is a list of main HIV Treatment Hubs of the NASPCP, as of present, including locations, as well as some contact numbers and contact persons, for your information and needs. I hope this helps.
METRO MANILA
San Lazaro Hospital (SLH), Quiricada St., Sta. Cruz, Manila
Dr. Rosario Jessica Tactacan-Abrenica, Medical Specialist II / HACT Leader and Head, HIV/AIDS Pavilion
Tel: (+632) 309-9528 to 29; 740-8301 loc 6000
Research Institute for Tropical Medicine (RITM), Filinvest Corporate City, Alabang, Muntinlupa City
Dr. Rossana A. Ditangco, Head, HIV Research Unit
Tel: (+632) 526-1705; 807-2628 or 38 local 801/208
Philippine General Hospital (PGH), Taft Avenue, Ermita, Manila
Dr. Jodor Lim & Ms. Dominga C. Gomez, HACT, SAGIP / PGH
Telefax: (+632) 554-8400 loc 3238
LUZON
Ilocos Training and Regional Medical Center (ITRMC), San Fernando, La Union
Dr. Jeisela B. Gaerlan, Medical Specialist II / HACT Leader
Tel: (+6372) 700-3808
Baguio General Hospital and Medical Center (BGHMC), Baguio City
Dr. Maria Lorena L. Santos, HACT Leader / Medical Officer II
Cagayan Valley Medical Center, Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley
Jose B. Lingad Memorial Medical Center, San Fernando, Pampanga
Bicol Regional Training & Teaching Hospital, Legaspi City, Albay
Dr. Rogelio G. Rivera, Chief of Hospital III
Tel: (+6352) 483-0016; 483-0086; 483-0017
VISAYAS
Corazon Locsin Montelibano Memorial Regional Hospital, Lacson St., Bacolod City, Negros Occidental
Dr. Candido Alam, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist
Tel: (+6334) 435-1591; 433-2697
Vicente Sotto, Sr. Memorial Medical Center, B. Rodriguez St., Cebu City 6000
Dr. Maria Consuelo B. Malaga, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6332) 253-7564
Western Visayas Medical Center, Q. Abeto St., Mandurriao, 5000 Iloilo City
Dr. Ray Celis, HACT Leader / Medical Specialist III
Tel: (+6333) 321-2841 to 50
MINDANAO
Zamboanga City Medical Center, Evangelista St., 7000 Zamboanga City
Dr. Jejunee Rivera, HACT Leader / Medical Officer III
Tel: (+6362) 991-0573
Davao Medical Center, J.P. Laurel St., Bajada, 8000 Davao City
Dr. Alicia Layug, HACT Leader
Tel: (+6381) 227-2731
Or visit/inquire at:
Nearest Social Hygiene Clinics (Special STI Clinics) and City or Municipal Health Offices at the local level
Visit http://www2.doh.gov.ph/ for more information.
With my mission accomplished and conscience clear, go ahead, cast your stones.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Heading Home
Another week has passed. A seemingly regular week despite the visit to RITM last Tuesday. And, I’m doing fine with my new ARV medication. I can also say finally that I’ve gotten over the dizziness of Efavirenz. Excellent. I’ve always wanted to be able to say I’ve been able to settle into my final and for-life ARV meds, so I can write it off as a daily habit and try to get into new activities. But since it’s taken longer than I thought, I’m just maintaining what I already have, which are family, work and life as I know it, and giving my doctors and meds the time they need to figure me out.
Yesterday, I dropped by the Social Hygiene Clinic again first thing in the morning, primarily to get my second Penicillin shot for my Syphilis. I got there early, but Dra. Diana Mendoza was already there. She was attending to another guy down at the lab though, so I waited patiently upstairs.
I’ve seen for the past couple of visits there, they they’ve been busier than ever at the SHC. That early, there were other people waiting with me, when before I practically had them all to myself. Oh, no, I wasn’t jealous.
I had known and seen previously, that UNICEF had infused additional supplies and support into the SHC, in terms of HIV Rapid Test Kits, HIV Serodia Screening Kits, and other medications for Sexually Transmitted Infections. Now this is advocacy. Apparently, HIV testing has been made a standard option even for the pregnant women who get check-ups at the Manila Health Department. And why not? We must remember that HIV is not a homosexual disease. It was great to see they’re able to test more people, which should help our cause.
When Dra. Diana came up, she even had one guy with her, apparently, newly diagnosed with HIV. She invited me into the clinic, and introduced us to each other, and mentioned she’d be referring and personally taking him to the H4 Ward in San Lazaro later that day. Isn’t she the best?
She mentioned I’d been diagnosed there too, but transferred to the RITM. She was about to try to explain why I transferred from San Lazaro, but I cut her off, smiling and said “oh, never mind, never mind…” I just thought we’d spare this kid the unnecessary complications for now.
She then asked if she could just have breakfast before attending to me. Of course! She invited the other guy into her office, too, as I’d decline having already had breakfast before leaving the house that morning. I heard her telling the guy my story, my diagnosis, my constant visits there, and my journey through ARVs. I’m sure I’m a pretty good example to show this kid that life goes on, in spite of HIV.
Really having her hands full so early in the morning, without Dra. Malou there, she mixed my medications, and attended quickly to a couple of pregnant women out in the corridor, before telling me to go on into the clinic area of her room. So, bang! I got my shot, and she told me she wouldn’t hold me much longer, knowing I would be trekking to work from there, and having to go back to her new bunso or baby in her office.
It’s just really, really great have some reasons to see and visit them there. I haven’t really had time to witness or attend the support groups that hold session there, or help out in any way, but still, their warmth keeps me coming back.
So let me just put the word out again. They’re still conducting free HIV testing at the Social Hygiene Clinic of the Manila Health Department. They’re located along Quiricada Street in Manila, which is between the Bambang and Tayuman Stations of the LRT. Their building is right across the main gate of San Lazaro Hospital. For more information, you can call Dra. Malou Tan at (+632) 711-6942.
Oh and you might really want to call before you go there, just to make sure they’re not out doing field work. I’ve needed to shift my next supposedly Friday-shot-day to Thursday, because they’ll be out doing voluntary testing on members of the Philippine Coast Guard on Friday. Yeah, they’ve been that busy lately.
But they’re great. Going there has always felt like heading back home.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Blog or Not?
To blog or not to blog? That seems to be the question. I never realized how far my humble blog had reached until I personally heard some feedback from people who didn’t know that it was me. Unfortunately it was negative feedback.
They say I have given away to many details in this blog. Hmm. My mind raced trying to recall each and every entry I did. I know I never identified any other clients by name or any really distinguishing characteristics. Remember, I’m still trying to work on the rest of my alphabet friends.
Hell, if there’s any identity I’ve been giving away, it’s my own! If someone who knows me well enough puts all the little puzzle pieces together, he or she would know it was me no doubt!
Apparently, my giving away details on the hospitals and the doctors scares some pozzies. They’re afraid that if someone who reads my blog hears them talking about this doctor and that, and this hospital and that, then they’d automatically get linked to HIV and get outed. Hmm, and I thought I was paranoid.
Even the disclosure of the meaning of the term pusit was mentioned as foul, but that would no longer be solely in my hands, as it had been used and defined in news articles and television documentaries long before I was one.
Hearing all that just startled me, and really got me thinking about this blog. I had never meant for it to be a nuisance to my kind.
I thought this would be my outlet. I thought it would be a means of sharing what I am going through. I thought it would help people understand the importance of knowing your status. I thought it would emphasize the value of playing safe and staying negative. I thought that it would dispel the fears of others like me who live with HIV, but feel they are alone. I thought it would help those that are too afraid to start their own HIV journeys. I thought that it would open up our lives to others, towards more knowledge, support and understanding. I thought that it would show that we are not suffering from HIV, but rather living with it.
Personally, I think there are a lot more important things to deal with, than always having to worry about who hears what, and what that stranger thinks. The discretion of your conversations after all, will always be under your control. It must really be funny to hear all this from a self-confessed paranoid freak as myself.
So anyway, here’s my compromise. I’ve edited all my entries, removing all the doctors’ names, except those at the Social Hygiene Clinic of the Manila Health Department, because they actually WANT people to see them and get tested. The hospital names, I’ll have to keep, because I really think it would be a huge help for pozzies like me to know their options through my experiences. How I wish I had some references to guide me through the early days of my journey. It just so happened I was lucky enough to meet the right people. Others might not be that lucky.
Oh, and about the pusit thing, blame the Inquirer and ABS-CBN.
I can’t take back what I’ve written before, nor erase what people have already read. Albeit I be Will Smith in Men In Black and use my Neuralyzer to zap all those memories away.
It’s been one thing for me to lock myself in my closet, and another thing for the rest of the world to scare me into a corner. But it feels as if someone just like me just hooked the latch… from outside! Suddenly the World Wide Web feels so limiting.
I know, I know, it’s the stigma connected to HIV that those like me are afraid of. But it’s precisely the lack of knowledge due to it being such a huge taboo that fuels that stigma. Hopefully the time will come when we can openly talk about this without the fear of being burned at the stake.
But for now, I humbly submit and bid goodnight. But fear not, my story shall continue... tomorrow.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Half A Day Off
I’m on Day 12 now of my ARV trial, still everything is green and go. And I’m thankful. Two more days, and I graduate to the higher “test”.
I had planned to take Friday off from work to accompany an online acquaintance to the RITM for his first steps since finding out he was positive. Good thing I took U’s advice and sent Ate a text message a day before confirming if the doctor would be there that day. She replied that the doctor wouldn’t be holding clinic there that Friday, and told me to come on Monday afternoon. I relayed the information to my referral-to-be, and he agreed.
So I had a bit of a change in plans, and took just the morning of Friday off instead. I needed to drop by the Social Hygiene Clinic in Manila again, to get the results of the lab tests I had done the week before, and have more tests done.
So I took the trip straight there first thing in the morning, and greeted Dr. Diana Mendoza, who was still alone when I got there. I can’t explain the warmth I feel from all of them whenever I go there. Dr. Diana, Dra. Malou and Ate Luz, and even the utility guy Kuya Gerry have been there since my day 1. I have nothing to hide, nothing else to be ashamed about, and I’m just really comfortable there.
Dr. Diana greeted me with a smile, and asked what more tests I needed done. I reminded her I was there for the lab results of my RPR and Fecalysis, which is when she called an Ate Olive and requested to check with the lab downstairs for my results. Ate Olive was sort of assisting the doctor that time, doing the things that Kuya Gerry would do before.
While waiting, Dr. Diana sat me down and eagerly asked me how I was doing. I mentioned I had just started on ARVs, which made her pleasantly surprised. She found it wonderful that I was up and about being just over a week into the trials, noticing that I was taking it well, and even said, “It didn’t even make you darker?!” Darker? Yikes, nobody told me about that side effect. Oh, well. After all, I’m dark enough. How much darker can I get?
So anyways, she went on asking how it was at the RITM, as compared to San Lazaro. I never felt afraid of admitting to them there at the Social Hygiene Clinic that I had transferred to RITM, mostly because I know they’re not tied to either. It just so happened that they were just across San Lazaro, so it made sense to refer HIV cases there for profiling. I just said that the facilities were better, to which she replied that others had given the same feedback as well. But I explained the real reason why I needed to transfer, about how I was left hanging by the San Lazaro doctors.
She was obviously surprised by the difference of the two centers in handling HIV cases, especially that one could start on ARVs without confinement or disclosing to family. She understood my sentiments, and promised she’d bring it up with the San Lazaro people.
She mentioned she knew of others who had made the same move as well, and that the dilemma with San Lazaro was making it hard for them at the SHC to keep track of their “babies”. Apparently, since they started their HIV screening program there at the Social Hygiene Clinic in November last year, they’ve had 15 cases of positive results, I being one of them. With fifteen being still a low number, they could still keep in mind by face or by codename, so they’d be constantly wondering how we were all doing by now. Technically, we would not have any need to come back to the SHC after the referral to San Lazaro. So she found it great that I was still dropping by there, just so they knew how their “baby” was. It was nice. Their concern is truly, truly genuine.
Some more minutes of chit chat later, Ate Olive came back with my results. Okay, okay, not entirely good. My Fecalysis results were fine, but the Quantitative RPR, which is a test for Syphilis, still came out reactive, of higher concentration since three months before. Yeah, yeah, I got it, and it’s not something to be proud of.
Dr. Diana initially thought of administering another round of treatment, but just told me to refer it to them at the RITM, being cautious that it may interfere with my ARVs, or that they might have a different protocol of treatment at the RITM. I agreed. I then remembered to ask her if they did Hepatitis screening there, which they didn’t. Yeah, yeah, Chronic Hepatitis B. Alas, another possible problem for me. But I’m just thankful that we’re doing the test, something that wasn’t part of the protocol at San Lazaro.
So she sent me down with Ate Olive to get a referral for a nearby private clinic which did the Hepatitis screening. I left shortly, thanking them all, with a note in my hand signed by Ate Marina of the laboratory department, which was my ticket to a discounted price at Jubilee, the private lab along Bambang, just walking distance from the SHC.
I walked there, just a couple of blocks, got pricked yet again, and headed off. It was around 9:00 am, and I was anticipating where my medicines time would catch me. So I took the LRT south to EDSA, stopping at the Metropoint Mall to buy a bottle of water just in time to down my tablet. Then back to Ortigas via MRT, just in time to catch the Robinsons mall opening. I still had a couple of hours of my half-day off, so I checked it out, the mall being on sale for the whole month of August. I ended up just buying a small drinking bottle, supposedly to lug around in my bag just enough for a gulp, in case I’d get caught again outside in time for my 9:30 habit. Oh and I got another one for U, too. Hope he likes it.
So anyway, that was that. A lot done in less than half a day. I was back at work and back to ordinary life. More updates soon. I need to do my research on Hepatitis, and refresh on Syphilis as well. I’m trying not to hide in a closet within my closet, so I’ll just take things in stride. What else could be next?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
A Day w/o U
RITM, day 2. This entry may as well have been entitled another day with… needles. Imagine me cringing.
It just happened to fall on another Thursday. I had been scheduled by Ate and the doctor for my lab tests at the RITM. I had planned on taking another day off from work, but reconsidered, thinking I’d save my leave credits for other more important appointments. I had been given the option of showing up early at the RITM. And I mean early. As in 6:00 am. Early enough so I’d be able to make my way back in time for work at 8:30. At least that was the plan.
Instead, I mistakenly left my cellphone in silent mode, missing my wakeup call by about 45 minutes. Instead of getting up at 4:45 am, I ended up realizing my mistake at 5:30 am, and just rushed to get out of the house. I had planned on making the first trip of the MRT, but obviously missed it. I was able to take the train at 6:00, not too bad. I love traveling that early in the morning. It was still pre-rush hour, a big advantage for the claustophobe like me. It was around a 20-minute train ride, from which I rushed down to street level to hop on a bus plying the Alabang Skyway route. I was just trying to recall how U took me to the RITM last Monday. Plus it made sense, it was a route straight to Alabang via the Skyway, meaning less stops, making for a faster trip.
It was a long but quick bus ride, and I tried to take note of landmarks on the way. We passed by the Nichols Exchange, the farthest south I was really familiar with, since that was where my first boyfriend was from. Further on down, we entered the skyway, and passed the Raya residential development which looks amazing. We passed the Hapee Toothpaste plant, the SM Mall in Bicutan, an finally exited at what looked like a newly constructed Alabang Exit which led into the Filinvest Corporate City. I got down where U and I did previously, at he Alabang Central Terminal.
I decided to walk towards the RITM instead of riding, primarily because I get a better sense of direction when I’m on foot. I retraced the steps we took last Monday, walking towards the Festival Mall and up towards the hill where the RITM was situated. It was a long walk, and I made it before 7:00 am, but remained unconvinced that I had taken the shortest way.
I first walked towards the comfort room, to relieve myself of the pee I’d had brewing in time for my urinalysis. I needed to keep it in almost the whole way, since I’ve been known to suffer from a shy bladder at times. I whipped the bottle out and filled it up mid-stream as advised. Then off I went to the Laboratory Department, which U had pointed out to me during our earlier visit. There was still no one answering the doorbell, so I sat down on a bench in the hall trying to cool off after the long walk. A few minutes later a lady passed me and walked into the lab, shortly after peeping out the window asking if I was a client. I handed her my lab referrals and the urine sample as she ushered me in. I sat down in the torture chair, putting my arm down on the armrest ready for my sentence. She looked at the list of test to do… viral load, CD4 count, genotyping, CBC, hepatitis profiling, and urinalysis… and whipped out four vials to fill. Four vials? That’s worse than the three I filled up at the Manila Health Department months earlier. This would be a record for me. Or so I thought. I looked away as she started to push the needle into my arm. I’m getting used to the feeling, but still can’t stand seeing it. Next thing I know, she’s asking me to hand her two more vials from the table next to me. Four? Plus two? Another record broken… but I have to admit it wasn’t that bad. So there I was, six vials of blood lighter, a survivor.
I walked next door to the X-ray Department, again no one was there. There’d been a sign saying the personnel were at the canteen, so again I sat down and waited. The old lady in charge soon showed up, and I was in and out of there in a flash.
Last stop, some test called PPD. Research now tells me it stands for Purified Protein Derivative, a skin test for tuberculosis. I had been pointed to the emergency room for it, from where I was pointed to the Pharmacy. I showed the referral, and I was given a box of something called Biocin, and told to return it after. Weird. Not something I’d usually hear at a pharmacy. So I returned to the E.R. and handed it to the nurse, who asked for my chart. Chart? What chart? I had nothing else with me but the referral, but was told they couldn’t do the test without the chart. I tried texting Ate, but received no reply. U had given me her number beforehand in case I encountered some problems. So I had to wait, thankfully she arrived early, around 8:30 am.
Needless to say at this point, I didn’t make it to work on time. So anyways, Ate accompanied me back to the E.R., and gave her personal referral in order to push the test through. So apparently, PPD is a skin test. And I must say skin tests hurt. I got a bump full of the medicine in my arm, had the nurse draw a circle around the test site, plus a note on a piece of tape on my arm with the date and time it was administered. Bad enough that I couldn’t wet my arm for three days, but I had to have the pen mark and the tape on me at work. Hmmm. I have some explaining to do.
Take note again, that all the tests I had done were free at the RITM, except for the P120.00 I paid for the Biocin thingy. I’m told the test will be free everytime, as oppose to that at San Lazaro, where follow-up CD4 counts cost something like P4,000.00, and viral load tests P6,000.00. That should be more than enough savings to pay for the additional transport to the RITM.
I realized I didn’t bump into any other fellow clients, Ate being the first and only person I encountered from the OPD that day. I was out of the RITM by 9:00 am, already having sent a text message to work saying I would be late. I walked back to the highway, but this time following my instincts and passing a road I hadn’t tried before. I think I got the right and shortest route this time. I made the trip back, via the bus and the MRT again, and reached work past 10:00.
Another amazing day, not even half through, but already got a lot done. Just two tests left, a fecalysis and RPR titer. A stool sample would spoil in the length of the trip, while the latter test, they didn’t have at the RITM. I’m thinking of going back to Dra. Malou at the Manila Health Department for those tests, as well as to pay them a visit and update them on my status. I’m planning to do that Tuesday morning, another day I’m taking off from work. A bloody and shitty Tuesday, literally.
I have another visit to the RITM scheduled on Tuesday afternoon for a consultation with the doctor. I’ll find out the results of the tests, plus my options for ARVs. So it’ll be another busy week again for me. My verdict is coming… again. Wish me luck!
Friday, August 15, 2008
RITM Day 1 (A Day w U)
It’s a huge week for me. This is the week that I make my first appearance at the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine. I just realized it’s in Muntinlupa already, of which Alabang is a part. That shows you how unfamiliar I am with the south parts of Manila. The farthest south I’m familiar with is Taguig, where my first boyfriend lives.
Anyways, yes, it was U who offered to take me to the RITM. I took a leave from work this Monday. U and I agreed to meet at the GMA Kamuning Station of the MRT at 9:00 am. I left the house at 8:00, amidst the baffled look on my mom’s face, who was wondering if I was actually going to work. Of course, I lied, and said I was. I left as late as possible without being too obvious. I passed by the ATM to pay some bills and kill some time before riding a bus to the MRT station. I got there around 8:30, and lined up to get a ticket to the Magallanes Station. I didn’t mind being early, especially after U mentioned he hated waiting. He got there and acknowledged he was late by eight minutes. Let’s just say he was worth the wait. Hahaha.
I had decided to dress casually, in just a white shirt and a pair of jeans, which may have added to doubt in my mom’s mind as to where I was going. But U surprised me, he was dressed even more simply, in a pair of shorts and a shirt. Hot nonetheless.
Anyways, enough flirting. I was trying to account the cost of transport to the RITM. Tricycle to EDSA, P7.50. Bus to GMA Kamuning Station, P12.00. MRT to Magallanes, P14.00. Bus to Metropolis Alabang via the Skyway, P35.00. And finally an FX Taxi at the Alabang Central Station to the RITM, P20.00. So an hour and a half and P88.50 later, we were there. The RITM.
It was a quiet building on top of a hill, which looked decent with upkeep. We walked through the corridors of the main building, and I was shocked when I realized that U knew so many people there. I just thought he was the serious type, shy to some extent, so he didn’t seem like the type.
We walked to the Out-Patient Department, which I later realized was dedicated to HIV “clients”. Yep, that’s the term U always used. We were not patients, we were clients. We encountered a couple of guys there who he greeted by name and introduced me to. Seeing that the doctor was not there yet, we left the room and wandered back through the corridors. He introduced me to one lady, Ate, who we passed. We then headed on out what seemed to be a rear entrance to the bulding.
We came to what was an Annex building of the RITM. We walked in and all I could think of was that it was like a school building. Its doors opened up into a courtyard around which some quiet rooms and corridors sat. We walked to one of the corner units of the building. No labels, no room number, nothing. Door opens and… wow! It honestly looked like a kindergartener’s classroom! There were small scale sofas lining three of the four walls, and a long desk lining the fourth, behind which a pair of ladies were sitting. U introduced us.
This other Ate is a nurse I think, and the other girl was identified as the encoder of the OPD Annex. They were nice, regarding me as U’s new recruit. They invited us to take our lunch with them, so we went and bought some food to eat with the rice and other viands they already had. It was nice to see U in what seemed to be his element, his territory. He was more loose, less stern, lighter and happier. He ate to his heart’s content, admitting he had always been big on rice, and even joking (I think) that he was fattening me up as well. I would have loved to assume he was flirting with me.
Just a few minutes after we were done with lunch, we got word that the doctor was in, so we headed back to the OPD, and there she was, the doctor, who ushered me to take a seat as she was still with another client. U got his supply of medications while we were waiting. As much as I’d like to think that he was there purely for me, hehehe, that was not the case.
Anyways, it was finally my turn, and U sat in with me and the doc. U gave his introduction. I was the guy registered at San Lazaro, advised to start on ARVs, but not without the family knowing, but was not ready to tell the family. I gave her all the copies of the medical results that I had. She looked through them and asked me some of the usual questions. Why I got tested, where I got it from, what I was feeling, etc. Then she helped me fill up the information sheet, with the usual stuff. Sexual orientation, profile of sexual partners, vices, medical history, etc. And then she came to my verdict.
Definitely, I was welcome there. My previous lab results were good, but they’d have to take new baseline measurements for me. Noting my previous CD4 count of 343, the doctor said it wasn’t too urgent that I start on ARVs, and that in cases like mine, it would be my choice if I wanted to start. Hmmm. Interesting. She asked me, “How badly do you want to start?” I said, “Pretty badly.” She explained to me the dedication involved in taking ARVs. Once I start, it would be a lifetime commitment. The medication would only be effective if taken exactly on schedule. No misses, no advances, no forgetting, no losses. I think I’m ready for that.
That being said, she and Ate worked together to give me all the lab tests I’d need to have done. Some old friends, the CBC, x-ray, and CD4 count were to be done. But a lot more new tests were coming my way. The Viral Count, which measures the concentration of the virus in my blood. Urinalysis and Fecalysis. PPD, which was meant to detect a tuberculosis infection. Hepatitis Profiling, to check for hepatitis. And most amazing, Genotyping, which the doctor says can help predict which types of medication I will be most compatible with. The fecalysis I opted to take elsewhere, because of the 30 minute timeframe given for a valid sample. All the other tests are free, except for the PPD, for which I had to pay for the medication. Just P120.00. Not too bad.
So we finally left the RITM, with my lab requests on hand, my Alabang experience put on hold for now, until Thursday that is, when I’m having my lab tests done. U and I actually walked back towards the highway, where we were to catch a bus back home. It was one long, hot, sweaty, tiring day for U and I, but it was all worth it. It was another eye opener for me.
My assessment? Transport expense is a point for San Lazaro. The P88.50 trip to RITM was everything compared to the P20.00 I spend getting to San Lazaro. Aesthetically, RITM is more pleasing over all. Comparisons to a school building and a kindergartener’s room should spell it all out. Plus the tranquility of being hidden up on a hill does have some novelty to it. The crowd is much less at the RITM, but as I said before, the pleasure of the Festive Thursdays at San Lazaro will probably wear out. Treatment-wise, I appreciate very much the several options and open-mindedness afforded to me by the people at the RITM. It’s striking how differently they handle patients or clients, and I’m happy with the way RITM does.
Obviously, I look forward to the next few visits to the RITM.
My HIV journey has just hit a fork in the road. Looks like it’s a good one.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Big Move
I’m moving. Nope, not moving out of the house, just transferring. RITM, here I come.
I’ve had my online persona for a while now, and through it I’ve been able to meet a lot of different people. Mostly just online acquaintances, but some I’ve been lucky enough to meet. I’ve also been fortunate with the kinds of people I’ve been meeting. It’s been a risk and a great deal of trust every time I agreed to meet someone new, but so far, no regrets. Although they’re of all sorts, from poz to not, they’ve all been great experiences and learnings for me.
Of the poz guys I’ve encountered online, most if not all of them were presently registered at the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, or RITM, in Alabang. I, on the other hand, am with the San Lazaro Hospital in Manila.
I never knew anything about the RITM before, except that it was in the south of Metro Manila. And it’s far. So I never even tried to learn more about it just based on that. But from these guys, I’ve heard a lot more things about the RITM. They never really told me not to go to San Lazaro or to transfer to the RITM. I am currently in the process of formulating that decision on my own.
Money-wise, San Lazaro is better apparently, since it’s a government hospital, providing most services for free. But I’ve been told that RITM does the next best thing, which is provide a 75% discount to HIV patients, should they need to be confined. I’m not sure if that covers rooms and/or services, but it’s significant enough either way. ARV medication is still free of course.
One other thing I’ve heard is that the atmosphere is better. You’ve heard me rant before about how depressing the conditions were at the H4 ward of San Lazaro Hospital. Apparently, things are more decent at the RITM.
I’ve mentioned before how I enjoyed immersing, or more like fading into the poz crowd during those big Thusdays I’ve spent at San Lazaro. I still do. It’s still an eye opener. But the contrast of that against the atmosphere at the RITM is… intriguing. Apparently, there, there are no crowds, no fiesta-like Thursdays, and as I’ve been told, it would be very rare for poz patients to bump into each other. Extreme, isn’t it? I’m told it’s a good thing, because there’s less politics involved. Politics? Hmmm, considering that we are a society amongst ourselves, politics shouldn’t be too surprising. But as I’m really a loner to begin with, the novelty of the H4 social experience might just wear off eventually. Either way, good for me.
So far, nothing really convincing for me to transfer to the RITM, right? So here comes my compelling reason.
Now you know how I’ve been ranting about the ultimatum that I had been given at San Lazaro, right? About how they let me off last time I was there, telling me I needed to start on ARVs, but that I should come back when I had family, or at least close friends with me for support? It was like the ball was in my court, only to find out I didn’t know the rules.
Granted, I acknowledge the urgency to start on ARVs. Ok, maybe some people would rant back that I’ve taken long enough and should tell my family, or friends at least. But it’s just not the right time just yet. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, but haven’t convinced myself to do it. I can’t explain it, but it’s not that easy.
Now the RITM looks like it will be the answer to my problem. One of my “friends” who has become my insider into the RITM referred my problem to them. I didn’t ask him to, but he cared enough to take initiative. Their response? They’d welcome me with open arms. Apparently, I wouldn’t need a support system if I didn’t have it. The important thing was that I get started on ARVs. Furthermore, initial stages of ARV medication could be taken at home, unlike at San Lazaro where they require a two week confinement there when starting on ARVs. I was shocked. Was this for real?!
Okay, the down side is that I’d have to go through the process all over again. The forms, the interrogations, the pity, the stares, and the least I’m looking forward to, the blood tests. Arghhh. I’m still not over my fear of needles, but I guess I’m less stressed about it. I’m particularly looking forward to having my CD4 count tested again, to see how I’m doing so far, after over two months of no ARV medication, relying just on multivitamins and some old-fashioned virgin coconut oil. Wow, I never realized it's been two months. This will be interesting.
So there, I’ve stated my case. And as you may have guessed by now, I’m practically convinced that the RITM is the answer to my problems. I plan to go there next week for my profiling, or what I refer to more as a re-baptism or conversion. And even have a couple of offers from my fellow pozzies to accompany me there. I’ve been so blessed.
Read more about the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine at http://www.ritm.gov.ph/.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Another Angel
Poz.com has brought me another angel. Let’s call him U. I’ve been bitching a bit about how few Filipinos there are on poz.com, and how few of those few seem to be active. So several weeks ago, I just dropped by the site, and picked out a few to whom I sent some messages. I sent pretty much the same to each. I think I sent maybe four or five. I just said a simple “Hello” and asked if they were open to being friends.
A week passed, no word. Until I got a response from one guy. One of those simple faceless profiles that others might just brush off. But I would not be that choosy. Let’s call him… U.
U and I exchanged a few messages, after which we traded messenger IDs. We finally got the chance to chat, after which we graduated on to talking over the phone. We interrogated each other, discovering we lived in the same city. U admitted he wasn’t working, having to resign due to the stress at work which was affecting his health. It reminded me of C, who I’d also met thru poz.com. We then came to the HIV part of the introduction.
Interesting how he found out he was HIV positive. He was already in a relationship with someone when they decided to get tested together. He says he’d only had unprotected sex a couple of times before. His boyfriend’s results came out the next day, while his took a couple of weeks. I admitted I knew that feeling. So there it was, U was poz, while his boyfriend was negative. A tragedy probably more shocking than my incident with my Mojo. U had mentioned that their mixed serostatus had forced them to shift their relationship towards companionship. But really, the best part of the story was that they’re still together as we speak. I admit, that gave me hope for my own relationship destiny. With a bit of envy, of course. Hehehe.
So anyways, we got to figuring out how far on the HIV path the other was. Apparently, he was further along, already being on ARVs since last year. We even compared CD4 counts, mine being 343, was lower than his current 350+. Almost the same. He was registered at the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine in Alabang, but had also been to the San Lazaro Hospital once before.
He was repeatedly expressing concern about the fact that I was still not on ARVs, despite being advised to. I expressed my concern, which he understood. But still he emphasized how important it was to start fighting the infection as early as possible, which I understood.
Apparently he had been through a similar situation, where he was putting off getting started on medication, needing to concentrate on his career. Until the time came that his health was noticeably declining, then he really needed to start on ARVs. As such, his wise words for me were, “as soon as possible”.
Our relationship is in the building stage, we had spent a number of nights on the phone together sharing stories and information, and have even managed to meet this last weekend to catch a movie together. He was a good looking guy, very decent and presentable. Cute actually. A bit on the serious side. But it was nice. Comfortable.
We caught a screening of “The Dark Night” and enjoyed every minute of that evening. I did, at least. I felt we could’ve spent even more hours chatting the night away, like dogs being let loose to play. But of course, being that we were both immunally-challenged, we needed to head on home to get some much needed rest.
We walked across to where he could get a ride, and talked some more, letting more than a handful of jeepneys pass us by. He asked me if I was hungry, which I was not, it being that I’d usually be asleep by that time. It was a bit of an awkward time, I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to invite him over to my place or what, but obviously I had given it some thought. Hehehe.
He finally grabbed a ride around midnight, and I started walking home. I was already thankful for the time and sympathy that U had given me, but it was relieving enough that I had received a text message from him when I got home. This was not to be just a one-night-stand. And the fact that we still hung out over the phone the nights following that meeting tells me there will be much, much more to look forward to from us. I like U.
Monday, July 21, 2008
My Virgin
Another week has passed. I’m still not on medication. Time has flown so fast. I just realized that it’s been a month and a half since I was last at the H4 Ward of the San Lazaro Hospital. A month and a half since I found out my CD4 count. A month and a half since I was recommended to start on ARVs.
For now, I’m trying to go on with the other parts of my life. Work. Family. Friends. Life. All that, while trying to stay healthy. I’ve been doing pretty well, considering it’s the rainy season. No major ailments. No fever. No flu. I’ve been taking my multivitamins regularly. And something else. A virgin is helping me out.
Now before you wonder, I’m talking about Virgin Coconut Oil, or VCO. An uncle of mine gave us a bottle of it last Christmas. I had no idea what to do with it, so it had been sitting on a shelf since December. Until last month, that is.
I had stumbled onto articles online about the anti-AIDS benefits of virgin coconut oil. They repeatedly refer to a Filipino doctor, Dr. Conrado Dayrit, father of former Philippine Health Secretary Manuel Dayrit, who investigated how a component of VCO, Lauric Acid, could inhibit, delay and reduce the spread of HIV. I’m not really sure what further studies are being done to this day, but there is little noise being made on the possibilities of this seemingly innocent fruit.
I remember what Maestro Ryan Cayabyab said in his song, Da Coconut Nut: there are so many uses of the coconut tree indeed. Considering this country I live in is a paradise of coconut groves, it should be reasonable to expect more studies to be done.
Although these are still just studies being done, and there seem to be no conclusive results and no therapeutic claims, I’ll take my chances. I would have loved to be a guinea pig for studies like this. I would love to be an instrument towards discovering a cure for the rest of those like me.
I can only hope that VCO could indeed fight, if not totally wipe out HIV. No harm in trying. Who would’ve thought I’d need help from a virgin?
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Close Encounter
A Monday night out?! It’s the first working day of the week. Very unlike me. This Monday was different. Not for a date, not even for sex.
I had finally gotten some use out of my poz.com account. Prior to this, I had my profile up in the personals, but not much replies from the other Pinoys there. I encountered C on the site.
C and I exchanged e-mails and contact numbers, and agreed to meet Monday night. I have no idea where my fear, paranoia and shyness went at that time. I jumped right in. He said he’d be in the Ortigas area, where I work, so we could meet there. So C and I met. We clicked right away, just while walking to find a place to eat. Living with HIV just gave us so much to talk about. We settled into a table at McDonalds for dinner.
At 36, he’d been living with HIV for 5 years now. He’s on ARVs, and is doing ok. Although he did have to resign from his previous job because of the stress. I wasn’t sure if the stress had affected his health or not. But he’s in the process of applying for a new job now, which is always good.
My two and a half months being poz is nothing compared to his 5 years, and I knew I had much to learn from him. Some of the things were affirmations of what I thought. Others were totally new to me.
He shared with me how he was diagnosed in the Middle East, and even jailed for a year for being HIV positive. I could not help but realize how lucky I was to be here in the Philippines.
He told me about Pinoy Plus, which according to him is a non-government organization which serves as a support group for PLWHAs. He offered to take me there one of these days when I was ready to meet people and had some free time.
He told me to watch out for depression, and explained to me how my acceptance was not the end of depression phase. He recounted how he has been through several cycles of depression and acceptance, noticeably triggered by some unfortunate day to day events or situations.
I complained to him about the doctors practically “requiring” me to have my family with me when I go for my ARVs, and he told me to take my time telling the family, to seriously consider and limit the persons who need to know, and to just settle for the support of friends if telling the family was too big a hurdle towards my ARV medications. It was a relief to receive that affirmation.
We talked about the H4 ward at the San Lazaro Hospital, as well as the Research Institute for Tropical Medicine, or RITM, an alternative venue to the H4 located in Alabang, where he is registered. C explained that whereas it’s free at the H4 ward at the San Lazaro Hospital since it is a government hospital (I wasn’t exactly sure whether everything was free or just services or accommodations or what), at the RITM, discounts of 75% are apparently given to HIV patients.
What interested me most, was the information he shared with me regarding benefits available to people living with HIV in the Philippines. Regarding Pag-ibig benefits, or the Home Development Mutual Fund, he said something like it is an option for people like us to retire and withdraw all accumulated contributions to one’s name. Even better for the Social Security System, apparently, SSS members infected with HIV may opt to file for disability and qualify for a monthly pension. Something he is able to count on while he is unemployed. Very interesting. He warned, though, that filing for disability while I am employed or still connected with my employer may as well mean I’ll be coming out of my closet whether I like it or not. He says it would be more advisable to file when one is no longer connected to any employer. It made sense. He didn’t mention anything about Philhealth, or the Philippine Health Insurance Company, but I’m guessing they have to have something for us as well. This was all good news for me, to know that there are these opportunities for people like me. It might make the future less daunting. But I’ll do more research on it and tell you more.
We ended the evening walking towards the bus stop and going our separate ways on different bus routes. But everything was good. We bid goodbye with hopes of keeping in touch and meeting again.
All that, and more, left me with so much learnings. It was exciting. I was truly fortunate to have encountered and met C. I realized there were so many facets to this “new life” of mine. Much, much more to learn for sure. I’m up for it.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Alert
I’ve been on heightened health alert since Sunday. Yes, health. I had to take careful note of what I’ve been feeling. Some supposedly usual things for anyone, but possibly alarming for someone with HIV.
Hello, rainy season. The weather finally got to me. I got the sniffles over the weekend. A bit unusual for me. I mean I do usually have a stuffy nose waking up in the morning, but I’ve been sneezing, sniffing and snorting since Sunday.
I’ve noticed ever since that I don’t catch colds that easily but when I do, I don’t get well easily. I don’t know if things will be worse now that I have HIV. So when I caught a cold this weekend, I took notice. No fever, though, which is good. And I’m still up and about.
I’m not medicating, just taking a lot of water, resting more and staying warm. I’m feeling a bit better now. Still a bit of phlegm in the mornings especially, the hard and sticky kind. Fortunately, the color still seems normal, and I’m able to expel it somehow, by blowing my nose. An interesting fact, I do not know how to spit. I know. Weird. So I have to resort to blowing my nose in situations like these.
Add to that, diarrhea. Just soft stool. I still had my bowel movement in control, and was still able to work yesterday. But definitely something I should be looking out for. By yesterday night, my stool was forming more, so I don’t think this is anything bad. I’m suspecting the creamy pasta I ate for lunch and dinner. My tummy doesn’t do too well with cream. Good thing I ate the last of it yesterday night. By this morning, I felt much better.
Not for long. The scrambled eggs I found on the table for breakfast… were bad. I’m not sure how much of it I had ingested, but when I realized it tasted funny, off to the trash I went. I can’t readily complain to my mom that she should be more careful that the food doesn’t spoil. Of course she doesn’t know yet that I have HIV or how bad it can be for people like me. It’s just a bit frustrating because, well, no one should eat spoilt food. Oh well, another lesson learned, to be more careful next time.
So there. Not a very good end to the first half of the year. Still manageable for now. But if it was any worse, I’d be on my way to the San Lazaro Hospital in a jiffy. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The Little Birdie
I’ve just had my first official sleepless night. Did something happen? Definitely. Good or bad? I can’t really say.
I’ve been quizzing myself every so often with my What-ifs. One of them was What if I didn’t break up with my last boyfriend? I always wondered if things would’ve been better if I swallowed my pride, just gave him the liberty to fool around behind my back, and stayed together with him. Would this have prevented me from catching the bug? Last night, my question was suddenly answered.
Let’s just say I heard it through the grapevine. A little birdie told me. Well, technically, not exactly little. Impressive actually. I had bumped into this little birdie a couple of times before, but never really became more than just acquaintances. We really had only one real common link between us, which was my ex. The little birdie told me we needed to meet and talk in person, the sooner, the better for me according to him. Next week wasn’t even soon enough. Hmm. The little birdie really got me thinking what this was all about.
So last night, we decided the quickest way was to talk over the phone. After the initial pleasantries, the little birdie came to its mission. I had heard from my ex that he was recovering from a medical procedure performed on him. But the little birdie had more to the story. Apparently, the medical personnel were baffled by the ex’s infection that wasn’t responding to the medication. So baffled that they needed to rule it out. So they did the test. And yes, he was HIV positive. Although the thought had grazed my mind due to the little birdie’s sense of urgency to meet, at that point, I still was a bit shocked.
It was at this point that the little birdie said that I should get myself tested as well. The little birdie had gotten its test too, which was definitively negative since they had not had contact since years and years ago. So I then blurted out that I was done with the test, and admitted I was positive as well. I may just have shocked the little birdie a bit, but definitely made its job much easier. He now understood why I knew so much about HIV and was less shocked than expected.
Apparently the ex was tested around the end of April, shortly after I got my result. He had also been to the H4 Ward at the San Lazaro Hospital. But I imagine that I may have gotten my patient number before he did. My mind went back to the medical chart of 059 who got confined at the H4. Maybe that was him.
He wasn’t simply just positive like I was. He was positive to the point of infections in the mouth and lower extremities. So bad that he was in crippling pain. His CD4 count was in the double digits. In other words, he categorically had AIDS. He was still too weak to start on ARVs. I know my chest was throbbing just trying to imagine his condition. It scared me to be honest.
I haven’t really been pondering too much on who I possibly got this from, but it never struck me to go as far as my last ex. We had known each other since September of 2005, and split up after almost 2 years together. It was after that I decided I’d enjoy singlehood for a change and let loose. So it was always that time after that relationship that I considered as my most risky.
It’s definitely presumptuous of me to think that I got it from him. For all we know, he may have gotten it from me. Or our infections may not even be directly linked, and just be coincidental. Only heaven knows.
For now, nothing much changes. I'm even more thankful now for the relatively fortunate condition I am in. Just a lot more to think about. I appreciate the effort the little birdie made to tell me. It was just concerned and bothered by its conscience. But don’t expect any confrontations to take place between me and the ex, because technically I should not know anything about it. I just hope he gets better. As for the little birdie, just as my secret is safe with it, its secret is safe with me.
Fly away little birdie… and thank you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Scary!
I've been so stressed out these past few days. So much of my days have been spent thinking, and thinking, and thinking. An after-effect of the last consultation I had at the San Lazaro H4 Pavilion. And it's not even about the result of the CD4 count itself.
I still can't wrap my head around having to admitting to someone in the family that I'm HIV positive. It's just been barely two months. I'm still not even completely back on my feet from the news that I have HIV. And now this?!
I remember Dr. Malou of the Social Hygiene Clinic specifically say I should stay away from stress and depression because it in turn stresses and depresses my immune system. Something not good for someone with HIV. So why are the doctors at the H4 practically forcing me to tell someone in the family?
I honestly got the impression that they were indirectly saying something to the tune of If you don't tell, we won't start you on the medication. I mean if this were really a life and death situation, regardless of who knows or does not, they should give me the medicines I need, right?
I'm expecting everyone will find out eventually, but I'd appreciate being told that I could take my sweet time. I need to be reassured that it is not a requisite to being treated. I believe it is my health that is important, and that does not directly revolve around who I am able to reveal to.
It's just really really not that easy. It's easier said than done. Dealing with HIV, I can be pretty brave. But when it has to combine with interacting with other people, I'm chicken shit. I realize that the less I know a person, a stranger to the extreme, the easier it is for me to tell about my condition. Adversely, the more I know someone, the harder it is to tell.
I've been trying to analyze why this is the case with me, and I guess the difficulty to reveal is proportional to what reputation I've built with the person. I'm not saying I have some flawless reputation which I need to protect. I've always been flawed to begin with. But telling someone I've shared years with would retrogress to the very start of the acquaintance, I imagine. It would snowball into other issues and other skeletons in my closet, like how I got it, what I've been doing these past years, when I got it, how gay I am, how promiscuous I am, how I could have hidden my alternative life, and so on. Too many questions I might not have enough time to backtrack and answer, assuming I have answers at all. Multiply that with the number of people I have to come out to, and that just scares me. I just hope it doesn't scare me to death. That'll just put me out of my misery, huh?
Friday, June 06, 2008
Ear Drummed
Yesterday was a lot to think about.
But come to think of it, this past Thursday at H4 was equally a workout for my brain, with all the thinking and paranoia, as it was for my ears, with all the chattering and cackling I witnessed there.
Just waiting by the door as soon as I got there, an old lady walked from the ward and sat down across from me, and started chatting with me. She was the mom of one of the patients confined there. I felt she needed someone to pour out to, so I even stood up to sit beside her. She just went on about her son's condition, that he was gay (I don't know if she realized I was gay too), that the virus had affected his eyes, and about how her other children had abandoned their brother. A bit depressing to hear their story. But I assured her that she was a hero for the good job she was doing.
Another woman who passed us, the wife of another patient, was rambling about tests and blood donations needed by her husband.
Soon, with more than ten of us sitting out there, I was hearing about everything from the need for drinking water in the ward, ARVs they were taking, donations for school supplies for this coming school opening, to CD4 counts, Pinoy Plus meetings, and whatever else.
One of the guys was confined for a "re-trial", since the first ARV he was given caused him to get rashes and fevers. So this is what I'll have to deal with when I get to that stage, I remember myself thinking.
One other girl says she wasn't on ARV's, jokingly pointing out that her CD4 count should've shot up with her weight.
I even learned a new term. Everyone there kept mentioning the word pusit, which is actually tagalog for squid. I was tempted to ask What's with the squid?, but soon realized they weren't talking about squid. Apparently they use the term Pusit as a nickname for us Pusit-ives or Positives. I had to laugh when I realized that.
Several noticed the newly painted neighboring ward, and mentioned that we pusits should take over the building because it was nicer. A good idea, if only it weren't the Tuberculosis ward. Remember, we don't mix well with TB.
Each one had his or her own story to tell. So many different people, brought together by a supposedly not-so-good thing... it was amazing.
Too bad I was called away by the doctor, and didn't feel like sitting back down after the talk with the doc. But irregardless, still amazing.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Brain Overload
My Thursdays still have not managed to let my guard down. Again, it was H4 day. I was out of the house by 7:00 am, and a tricycle and a jeepney ride later, I reached the HIV ward of San Lazaro Hospital. It was just 8:00 in the morning, and lo and behold, I was first on the list!
I don't think they expected anyone that early, so the nurse just sat me down by the seats by the door of the building to take a breather, before they took down my vitals and while they finished their duties and reports.
After some time, more people poured in, and I gamely sat in their midst. It was not exactly in my comfort zone to mingle, but it was nice. I was finding it a bit hard to keep up, but I surprised myself by being comfortable in that crowd. There were around 20 of us there, and I got acquainted with a number of them, as they introduced me as "the new one".
I noticed a couple of them whip out what looked like white bank passbooks. I read what was written. Health Regimen Booklet. Hmmm, so I figure this is how their ARVs are monitored. I wasn't looking forward to getting one of my own though.
By 9:00 am, the doctors came. My usual doctor wasn't there. So the other doctor and a new one were on hand. They started off making rounds of the ward and checking on those confined. By about 9:30, they headed for the doctors' office and I was called in shortly.
She already had my folder on her desk, but still asked my patient code. She then flipped through another folder, where she was looking for my CD4 test results. Finding it and taking it from the folder, she sat down and looked at me sternly. She asked me some old questions again, like who knows, if I had a partner, and how I'm dealing. She reiterated the need to tell someone in the family. Rebriefing I guess.
At this point, she stared at my results, and asked me what I wanted to hear. Whether I wanted to hear the number flat out, or just if it was bad or good. I sort of giggled a bit at the question, and just said I wanted it all. She still held back a bit, looked at me, and said it was below 350. My mind raced at that point, but I kept a straight face. Normal is above 500, so it's not that good. But how far below 350? The critical 200 was below 350. Absolute zero was below 350, too. Tell me! Tell me!
Finally, she said it. My CD4 count is 343. Not entirely bad, but not good either. Almost midway between normal 500 and critical 200. She then said that she'd advise I get started on ARVs. But not before more counselling. And not before I have a support system behind me. Family preferably. Friends possibly. Anyone really. I said I was planning to tell my sister, and realized this development just made it more urgent. A lot to think about in the coming days.
The doctor then sent me off, but not before leaving me her mobile number, so I could contact her when I was ready to get counselling with whoever I chose.
I was honestly a bit defeated that I wasn't doing as well as I was feeling. I bid goodbye to my new friends out front before heading off back to work. I didn't even drop by the Social Hygiene Center. I was planning to just check in on Dra. Malou and the gang there, but suddenly didn't feel like it. Maybe another time, when I was less distracted.
I'm a bit glad that I have work to think about, and colleagues to laugh it up with and get stressed out by. But I won't be avoiding this for long. I'm left with a lot to think about right now. Head... hurts... hehehe.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
H4 Galore
Another big Thursday for me. I left around 7 am, but not before talking with K over the phone. He just called to send me off on what he thinks is another regular work day for me. Little did he know.
So I made it to the HIV ward of the San Lazaro Hospital a little past 8 am, had myself registered, and my vital signs taken. H4-2008-054. Weight is still the same, blood pressure normal, temperature was a bit high, I’m thinking because I had barely taken a breather before they sat me down to take it. But I was feeling fine.
I noticed some of those metal medical clipboards on the counter, probably records of those confined. I noticed that the patient codes were written on the top of the clipboards, one of which I read as H4-2008-059. I realized, geesh, at least five other people have already been diagnosed after me. And whoever this is, his condition has called for him to be confined. I’m pretty lucky then.
I walked into the waiting room, and sat down. There were three other guys already there. One of them I recognized to be the guy trying to smile at me when I was there two weeks ago. A bit surprising, since he has been checked-up at least twice this month already. He recognized me, smiled and went back to reading his newspaper. The four of us continued waiting since the doctors hadn’t arrived yet.
After a while, Y walked in and started chatting up with all of us there, who he knew apparently. It was nice to see a familiar face. He still treated me as the new kid, which was nice.
I heard voices from the reception counter, later on realizing it was the other doctor. She called for me, and instructed the nurse to hand me my referral slip for the CD4 count. I was pointed to the direction of the SACCL, short for STD/AIDS Central Cooperative Laboratory. Their name was also on my diagnostic results which I got last April. Apparently this is where most of the STD related tests are done, such as Hepatitis, HIV, Venereal Disease, etc.
But before going, I noticed the guy getting his vital signs taken, looking at me. He was cute. He seemed like an older guy, smaller, fair, manly, a bit stocky, dignified, and a bit shy. My type. I don’t know what his name is, but he was looking at me, and I was looking back. I still wasn’t hell bent at using the ward as a cruising place so I picked up my heels and just headed to the SACCL.
Walking to the next building, 8 or 9 people were waiting before me. I had to spill over to the waiting area outside the building where one other guy was. He asked me what I was there for, explaining he was there for a medical test for Hepatitis required for his application to the Philippine National Police. I don’t remember what I answered but I’m sure I couldn’t have been vaguer. Hahaha.
When it was the turn of the guy in front of me, I could hear from the voices in the lab that something was wrong. The guy first walked out with a cotton ball taped to his left arm. Going back in, he later walked out with another cotton ball on his right arm. Still they weren’t done. I don’t know where the hell else they took his blood, but this was scaring me quite a bit already!
Then my turn came. Oddly enough, they asked me to write my real name on the referral form, contrary to what I believed was a confidentiality law for HIV infected persons. If I were a fraction of sensitive and defensive, I would’ve put up a fight. But I wasn’t, so I penned my name away.
Then I saw the needle. It was bigger than my usual and it hurt going in. Then I felt the lady pushing and pulling and wiggling it around in there. My blood wasn’t flowing?! It was a problem with some adaptor they were using. It was hurting like hell! I’m still squirming right now recalling the pain. Then she just said sorry and pulled it out. Next arm. She had left me with a big red pock on my left arm, and had no blood to show for it. Thankfully she got it on the second try. I’ll need my phobia to heal again after this.
So anyways, I headed back to the ward, half wishing I’d catch “the guy” still there. I went in to see my doctor in the doctors’ office for less than 3 minutes, faced another one of her pity-faced are-you-sure-you’re-okays, and headed out. I didn’t see him there. I wasn’t sure, but good thing I waited because he had been talking with the other doctor the same time I was inside. So anyways, I saw him again, we exchanged nods a bit, but never talked. Y felt the need to keep me company, so I didn’t get the chance to work the guy over. I hope I bump into him there again sometime.
I’m beginning to look forward to San Lazaro. I’ll be back at the ward next Thursday, mostly to discuss my CD4 results with the doctor, but partly hoping to meet more pozzies as well. If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll see “him” there again. Man, I’m a slut!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Count Down to Count
I just heard back from the doctor of the HIV ward of the San Lazaro Hospital, and she's confirmed my appointment on Thursday for my CD4 count.
I'm getting a bit of nerves again, both about the ward's Thursday crowd, and the test as well.
So to at least equip myself for the latter, I've been doing some research.
What are CD4 Cells?
CD4 cells, also known as T-cells, are a type of lymphocyte or white blood cell. An important part of the immune system, CD4 cells come in two main types. T-4 cells, or CD4+, are "helper" cells which lead attacks against infections. T-8 cells (CD8+) are "suppressor" cells that end the immune response. CD8 cells can also be "killer" cells that kill cancer cells and cells infected with a virus.
Why are CD4 Cells Important in HIV?
The cells that HIV infects most often are CD4 cells. The virus becomes part of the cells, which when multiply to fight infections, also make more copies of the HIV. The number of CD4 cells (their CD4 cell count) goes down when infected with HIV. The lower the CD4 cell count, the more likely the person will get sick.
What Factors Influence a CD4 Cell Count?
The CD4 cell count varies a lot. Time of day, fatigue, and stress can affect test results. It's best to have blood drawn at the same time of day for each CD4 cell test, and to use the same laboratory.
Infections and vaccinations can cause CD4 and CD8 counts to go up. It is advised to have CD4 cell counts at least a couple of weeks after recovering from an infection, or getting a vaccination.
How Are the Test Results Reported?
Reported as the number of cells in a cubic millimeter of blood, normal CD4 counts are between 500 and 1600. CD4 counts can drop to as low as zero in people with HIV.
What Do the Numbers Mean?
The CD4 cell count measures the health of the immune system. The lower the count, the greater damage HIV has done. Anyone who has less than 200 CD4 cells is considered to have AIDS according to the US Centers for Disease Control.
CD4 counts are also used to indicate when to start certain types of drug therapy such as antiretroviral therapy, aggressive retroviral therapy, and drug prescriptions to prevent opportunistic infections.
The complete article can be found at http://www.thebody.com/content/art6110.html.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Take the Test
The last time I was there, my new friends at the Social Hygiene Clinic, Dr. Malou, Dr. Diana, and Nurse Luz asked me to help get the word out on getting tested. So here goes...
The Social Hygiene Center of the Manila Health Department continues to offer free HIV and other STI testing until further notice. Yes, guys, girls and everything in between... it's free. They intially had the free testing for the duration of March, but thanks to other sponsors, they continue to be able to offer it indefinitely. Please, please, please take advantage.
For those interested to check their HIV and reproductive health status, you can visit the Social Hygiene Clinic from Mondays to Thursdays from around 8:30 am to 3:00 pm, and on Friday mornings from 8:30 to 11:00 am. Sorry guys, they're closed on weekends and holidays.
Why do they want everyone to get tested? Because absolutely anyone exposed to the risks can get HIV. And there are no really reliable symptoms to tell that you have it. The only way to really know, is to get tested. It's not knowing that spreads the virus.
Look at me, I never thought I had it. You could never tell. But I did. Now that I know, I will make sure that the virus stops with me. Imagine how many others I might have endangered, had I not found out.
Just so you know, you will be asked to give your real name and a code name. Only your code name will be attached to the blood samples sent to the lab for testing. And only Dr. Malou has access to the files linking your real name with the code name. They know how delicate the situation can be, and how important anonymity is to us.
They will also give you pre- and post-test counselling, just so you're prepared and informed. Yes, you can ask questions. Results are claimed from Dr. Malou as well after a few days. She even gives her personal cellphone number so you can follow-up your results.
The Social Hygiene Clinic is located on the second floor of the Manila Health Department. It has a separate entrance on the right side of the building, so it's very discreet. The Manila Health Department is along Quiricada Street in Manila, across the San Lazaro Hospital main gate. The area is located between the LRT stations at Bambang and Tayuman. If you have other questions, you can call the Social Hygiene Clinic at (+632) 711-6942.
Please consider our plea. If you need someone to go there with you, let me know. I'd gladly help.
For everyone else not in Manila or the Philippines, think about doing it too in your own city or country.
Please, please, please. They're not there to judge us. They want the best for us. But they need our help. They care. We should, too.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Post-Thursday Thoughts
I'm physically tired by this time. I've had a very long day. But my mind keeps racing. I just have to get this out lest it keep me up all night.
Looking back at the day that just passed, I realize what a relief it was. Not just because of the lab results I got, but because it was great to see I'm not alone. Being in HIV ward was relieving. I'd never met anyone living with HIV before I stepped into San Lazaro. I'd only seen them on the web, and in tv documentaries. I never imagined I'd be one. But spending a short time in the waiting room of HIV ward was... eye-opening. There are others like me. All kinds, all shapes, all sizes. From twinks to hunks, you name it, you got it. I prefer the hunks though...
Wait... was I cruising?! Geesh! I was!
Okay, okay, so I suddenly snapped out of my trance and decided to become cruisy. How couldn't I? I have HIV, and based on my shallow philosophy that someone with HIV can't catch HIV any further, it should be logical for me to gravitate towards fellow HIVers, right? And to be in a room of pozzies, ahhh heaven.
Okay, okay, I'll stop now. Mojo would not approve.
My point should be that looking at the variety of people there, men and women, young and not so young, twink and hunk, they all looked... normal. Other than a few who had visible skin discolorations or rashes of some sort, you could never tell they had it if I threw them in a room of people. Good for the paranoid like me. Bad for those who use protection based on whether their partner looks like he has it or not.
Anyways, I jut thought I'd share this breakthrough of a moment before I went off to lala-land, when, just for a few minutes, I realized that... I'm not so different after all.
