My PTSD Dog

This post is brought to you by the anxiety attack that the Super PTSD dog Sadie interrupted last night.

So I am obviously still training my dog, but her medical training is all complete. She does amazing things for me (listed below), now if only I could get her to do the "little" things. LOL. She's a perfect example of a service dog, walking with me, sitting next to me, doing her medical duties, etc. But when not wearing her vest she doesn't always listen. *sigh* We're working on that.

I felt as though I should share her story with you as I love sharing her story. From scared abused dog who had to be carried into the yard to go to the bathroom to dog who walks proudly around campus when she has her vest on (without her vest I doubt she would).

She is a 3 year old abuse rescue American Pit Bull Terrier. Because she has PTSD and her momma has PTSD we got her a patch for her vest that says "PTSD DOG." :D Surprisingly I don't mind telling people that yes I do have PTSD, but I do get persnickity when they ask me how I got it. The patch on top of her back says "Service dog access required."

I originally just rescued her because I knew what an abused dog needed and I love pitties. But when she interrupted my first anxiety attack I knew that she may be able to help me in other ways with my PTSD/Bipolar/Depression. Here's what she did during my first and subsequent anxiety attacks: if I'm sitting or lying down she'll put her paws on my chest and paw at me until I make eye contact with her and start interacting with her. This brings me back to the present and out of whatever hell hole of the past I am stuck in. If I'm standing she paws at my legs and stands on her hind legs leaning on me (which she has been trained not to do) until again I start to interact with her - not just brush her off, but really solidly connect and interact with her. She knows when I'm about to have an anxiety attack (I don't know how, but she does) and she knows when I'm just going through the motions of interacting with her and when I'm really connecting with her and being pulled out of my head.

Since I realised she could do this, she has been taught to bark when it's time to take my meds, she nudges me in bed in the morning when my alarm goes off to get me to get out of bed at least to walk her which usually prevents me from staying in bed all day, and she comes out with me in public (we're still working on socialisation - that part takes about 6 months and she's strides ahead of where an abused dog should be, I've only had her since August). I feel like I can go so many more places now - I'm not scared to go out in public.

I ***HIGHLY*** recommend a service dog for people with PTSD. Here's a story of a PTSD dog. Let's just say I see my Sadie in there.

UPDATE: Here's Sadie's story on Stubbydog.org. And here's her complete background since she was rescued.

P.S. We went to the American Bully Kennel Club show on January 29th in Tampa. It was so fun being around all those pit bulls and pit bull lovers! Plus SADIE WON 1ST PLACE FOR BEST RESCUE:

I don't know what I'd do without her - she makes my life so much more liveable.

And just when

things seem to be getting better....

Creepy

SSI just sent me a form for WA Power of Attorney and the WA Health Care Directive.

I know it shouldn't creep me out, since it's a good thing to have and there are people I trust far more then my family (like my partner) and just because I have one does not me I'm going to fall into a permanent vegetative state or anything. It's just part of the loads of paperwork that they are sending to everyone on SSI Disability who all got automatically enrolled in the state Chronic Care Management Program a few months back.

They also sent me my "plan" which is really weird since it's so obviously written to my doctors or potential caretakers and not me.
To whit:
BEH HEALTH: Take out for regular walks.

Uhhhhhhhhhh, what? Did they even talk to me? I told them I was going to school, so they should know that I get out of the house regularly. I told them I took a dance class so I was getting exercise at least 2 times a week. But there's also this weird thing about a pulmonary rehab referral, so I'm confused.

Anyway, I guess I should open up all those other large 'time sensitive' envelopes that they've been sending me. But first I have to find some way to be in a room with two people (me hermit) so they can witness me sign my forms. Weird.

Holiday

So I've decided that part of my rigorous spring break schedule is going to be dedicated to making phone calls to Pennsylvania voters. I don't give a flying fig how many people are screaming that Hillary should back out all ready. I think it's great and exciting and I know more then a few Obama supporters who agree with me. (And also, I doubt they'd be saying Obama should pull out if it was him trailing....and it's not like it's an insurmountable difference.) This is exciting and I hear people talking about this election season so much more then the past few presidential election cycles. I like it. (I did also just watch the West Wing Dem convention and it was AWESOME.)

Should I be worried that I don't really like cold calling people? Oh well. I'm doing it anyway. I'd rather be volunteering in person, but oh well I can make calls from here.

I don't think I have enough time to read. I mean, you need to take breaks every few hours, so there need to be more days of spring break. Though I am hoping that I will be able to keep up with the Northanger Abbey read along (through the Austentatious Fiber Artists group at Ravelry a knitter's paradise) which will apparently be starting mid-April. A few chapters a week should be doable and keep me grounded, and a few chapters of Jane Austen no less! (with discussion!)

I got a B in Thermal Physics. Booo. But hopefully without living without a constant mixed manic state caused by evil moore method class will curb my absences. (As my anxiety attacks go down my attendance goes up! Fancy that! Who woulda thunk it.)

I get to go to the Post Office and get a refund since my express mail was guaranteed to be delivered on saturday and was delivered monday, which was when they said they'd begin reviewing applications, so I hope it's ok that they got it, but a money-back guarantee is a guarantee dammit.

Science Times was depressing today. Frogs are dying. Bats in NY are dying (90% of those being tracked in 4 locations.) *sad*

I should have been in bed hours ago. SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edited to add: ETA means estimated time of arrival not edited to add dammit!

oh my good god

1) I have an algebra assignment I haven't touched, but at least it's due Tuesday.

2) Due to all the stress this quarter I have missed 99% of the deadlines for my REUs, but I'm sure my prof's sent off their rec letters since they're awesome (I did plan ahead and talked to them all at the beginning of January and what I was missing were mostly the essays). There aren't many that start mid-June or later. Damn quarter system. There is one I didn't miss at UIUC (FIghting Illini, my dad's alma mater and only 3 1/2 hours from Chicago, huzzah!) on groups and I've all ready talked to the professor leading the REU on groups who encouraged me to apply even though I will be missing the first few days due to finals. (I did mention in the email how excited I am by groups and we have corresponded about her research which I hope will be helpful in getting into the REU).

3) I have half finished my take home physics exam, but I just have to call some of the other kids in my class because my prof conveniently forgot to lecture on it, though the second problem is missing 2 important ingredients to find the equilibrium temperature and pressure, the change in internal energy, and the change in entropy, namely the initial temperatures and pressures of the 2 systems. I emailed him about this, though.

4) I LOVE The West Wing. It's awesome.

5) My loverly math geek got up this morning and cleaned up the biohazard that was my kitchen sink. Have I mentioned how much I love my math geek lately? Anxiety severely reduces the amount of spoons (which has nothing to do with dishes) I have and my dishes have not been done in about 5/6 weeks. He is very brave and oh so awesome for doing that. *sigh* I'm so lucky.

6) I SLEPT! and I feel rested! (One does not necessarily imply the other.) I did my physics!

This is kind of cool: why anxiety means homework goes unfinished

My kick-ass rad fem therapist today and I were talking about (what else) the overwhelming anxiety I am having from my proofs class which is coupled with the fact that I went to see him today to ask for help and he just stared at me. (You should listen to him when people who are doing well in the class go in for help, he's super-helpful. All other C students like me say the same thing: when you ask him something he stares at you, but he'll help the people who all ready get it. Being one of 3 resources for the class (another one being his crappy definitions and the third being me, who can't figure out the definitions and is therefore struggling to stay afloat) this SUCKS.)

ANyway, back to my story. There is, of course, some PTSD triggers thrown in there as well. So much about this mirrors being in a house with my abusive mom: having to be somewhere I hate while being helpless and having no one to turn to (b/c yes I *can* get a tutor, but all the math fellows either a) tell me they did horribly at the class, b) took it from someone else and every prof covers different material, or c) blocked it out of their memory), and then there's the constant replays of my mom's voice telling me I'm stupid and a litany of other similar things. HOORAY! Isn't my head a fun place to be these days? My best friend begged me to leave the class (we have similar mental health (dis)Abilities and are always watching out for one another, but I can't. I have 2 friggin' quarters to go and I will have that BS in my hands. Can't change now, don't want to either. Like math, want to continue doing math for a very very long time. Must push through even though b/c of this class they've upped my Xanax AND my Lamictal. Heh. (and I had to double my xanax dose yesterday b/c one just didn't work)

SO, here's the cool part. My therapist likes to explain how these things work inside your brain by modeling it for me. I really like this. SO today she showed me how anxiety and PTSD affect the entire brain, not just how PTSD traps you in your midbrain (and how the techniques we use like EMDR try to put these things into words instead of just emotions which move them out of your midbrain and make them something that is easier to deal with and not an automatic reaction.)

She held out her hand in a closed fist: this is your brain (I know you probably all pictured the frying pan, but shake it out), she then opened her fist and pointed to the middle of her hand and said "this is your amygdala" and then to her thumb and said "this is your hypothalamus" and re-closed her hand. She then said "this is normally how your brain is, but when you get activated, or in a manic state, or in a mixed state (which happens to me when I get activates), or have anxiety this happens" and she opened her hand (which makes sense since in PTSD the midbrain takes over) "and your neocortex is unable to function properly."

I all ready knew that anxiety meant that I was not going to get anything done, but it's nice to have an idea of *why* nothing gets done. Although I'm sure if I had a more technical explanation I would just be confused.

Finals start the 17th, we don't have a final in this class, just a 2 hour class period of, yay, proofs that Wednesday. Everyone keep their fingers crossed that I don't have a nuclear meltdown before then, because it really feels like I am heading for a major one and I really REALLY hate the idea of having one because of something that I put myself through.

*sigh*

I had an anxiety attack talking to my prof trying to do proofs. (He is only helpful to those who are doing well in the class, this has been confirmed by many classmates, the asshole.) SO I left. This period of the class I have only done 2 proofs, I hope that's enough for a C, I did one hard proof so I hope that counts for something. That and I've done a couple of unsuccessful proofs so it's obvious that I'm trying. The 1 mg of Xanax made it kind of hard to finish the proof I was working on since it makes my brain all floaty. *sigh*

Tonight's trivia night and one of two nights a week I get to spend with my math geek and I can't seem to get off the couch. UGH. I don't know what to do. *sigh* Having an anxiety disorder and an anxiety inducing class sucks. A LOT.

Wow, this explains A LOT!

So, thanks to wonderful women science bloggers from my blogroll (like Science Woman and Mad Scientist) I have found an article about Imposter Syndrome that is in this week's Science Careers.

"Impostor syndrome" is the name given to the feelings that Abigail and many other young scientists describe: Their accomplishments are just luck or deceit, and they're in over their heads. The key to getting past it, experts say, is making accurate, realistic assessments of your performance. Perhaps equally important: knowing you're not alone. Abigail thinks that sharing her feelings with other people is how she will eventually come to grips with her sense of feeling like an impostor. "It's fantastic to hear other people say, 'I've felt that way, too.' "

It's a feeling I get often, thinking that I have somehow gotten this far in math and physics by dumb luck or cheating, though I have never EVER done the second one, but I still feel that somehow I *must* have done something to warrant it. Example: For abstract algebra we get notes for a test, and I know there will be T/F problems on it, and I have space left on my sheet because I've all ready written all the definitions, proofs, and theorems that I can not easily remember or access (my brain looks just as messy as my work space), so I type up all the T/F questions with the answers (I've had the prof before and know they'll be the same questions). I got them all right when I answered them on the homework, and I have horrible test anxiety, but it feels like I'm cheating, even though I know the material well, having A's on the homework and knowing that other people in the class (who are mostly math fellows and grad students) are doing the *exact* same thing that I am doing. It feels like cheating, but I'm still doing it, because I know it's a big portion of my grade and to be honest, I can do homework, I can help people, I know the material inside and out, but I bomb on tests. ALWAYS. It's why I've gone from an A to a B in some of my classes. The damn final.

I get extra time on tests because I have a severe anxiety disorder. I am getting a tutor for my proofs class because (dis)Ability resources stepped in and intervened because I was having anxiety attacks every time I did the homework and even one in class the other day. This is the class we're supposed to do Moore Method though the way it is described in the link sounds wonderful compared to the way my class is run. *I* do not learn well this way, not at all. A few of my classmates told me that they are fine with this and expressed concern over my anxiety problems (it's a small department and one of them is a math fellow and I tried to keep this away from them since I didn't want to lord it over them, but they found out). This is obviously something that is warranted due to my disability, but it still feels like it's an unfair advantage over others (though I'm sure that they don't have to get up and take a walk around the building to calm down during a test as to keep from having a full blown anxiety attack.)

I have passed classes I've never studied for, and actually done really well. So why do I feel like I somehow don't deserve this? Like I won't be able to survive grad school or post-grad school research (I want to go into research) because somehow someone will discover that I can't do it, that I'm incapable, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm horrible at math and physics. I'm 2 1/2 quarters away from completing an undergrad degree in mathematics (the last quarter being computer programming and math history being the only required classes, so really only one more quarter of real math classes (I am also taking quantum mechanics b/c I'm a geek and may be going into mathematical physics)) and I have to constantly remind myself that I AM smart, that I DO know this.

It's strange that I have to continually remind myself of these things so close to my goal. I am passing my proofs class, even through all the anxiety (which up until I was told I could have a tutor was giving me such horrible anxiety I was unable to sleep for the first 6 weeks of the quarter), and I am IN LOVE with my abstract algebra class. It was really tough for the first assignment, but the last one was easy, I was helping other people out with their homework, and I was LOVING it. I'm confident that I will do well on the test tomorrow. I love this stuff and am seriously considering going to graduate school for it. It's fun and it comes really easy for me. But I still feel like there's a catch. But I'm just going to try and beat it out of my head. I may not be a grad student or a professional, but knowing that other people feel this way is v v helpful. I CAN do this, and I AM good at this.

UGH. I hate this ridiculousness.

Anxiety attack in math class today

I almost started screaming at someone in class today (do you *really* need to prove 3 things in one class when you were the one who proved the most proofs for the "first 3rd". You only raise the bar for the rest of us who were ecstatic (and I'm not the only one) of proving 3 in the last period, now we'll have to do more. We're 2 weeks in and I have none, but then again every time I try to do a proof I have an anxiety attack.) But (thankfully) instead I had a *quiet* anxiety attack and cried for the last 30 minutes of my class. It was AWESOME.

So here's the email I just shot off to my advocate at disability resources:

I have a math class in which my anxiety has got progressively worse in as
the quarter goes on. It's Math 312, Intro to Proofs via Elementary
Analysis. The style of the class is "teach yourself." We are given
definitions and sometimes theorems that, frankly, I do not find
illuminating or helpful and I do not find the prof helpful either. We're
not allowed to use any other resources, other people, books, etc.

Prior to today I was only having anxiety attacks every time I attempted to
do a proof, but today I had an anxiety attack during class. I am having a
horrible time and this class has just made my depression and my anxiety
worse. I can't get myself to school sometimes because of this class. And
I know it's going to get worse. I don't think I will be able to make it
through this class, but it's a requirement.

Is there anything you can do? I have to pass this class, but I don't
think I'll survive this and with only 2 quarters left, and full with the
rest of my requirements I don't think I'll be able to fit it anywhere else
(and everyone teaches the class this way).

Need I say again that I think this class is incredibly unfair to people with anxiety disorders (like me).

Oh and for good news, 48/50 on my Abstract Algebra homework (both points lost were ridiculous, they were things I knew that I forgot to put into my proof. ARGH!) Pure mathematics ROCKS!

Looks like it's time for a med update

I've had insomnia for the past 2/3 weeks, bouts of depression and mania, and it is seriously interfering with school. I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I have a test tomorrow and can't fall asleep now and just want to cry. I want to go to the emergency room as I can't get in to see my doc during office hours until next week b/c they'll give me some valium and I'll be able to sleep at the very least which will make everything SO much more bearable. It'll just screw up my school stuff, and I really can't afford that, but if I don't get any sleep tonight I will definitely have to go tomorrow or Thursday b/c I don't think I could wait for Thursday, and it would be nice to *actually* be able to hang out with my partner.

Fighting mental breakdown

OK, so I have 2 math classes. One is a 400-level abstract algebra class that I am doing well in. The second is a 300-level proofs class where I am given a page of shoddy definitions and remarks, am not allowed to talk to anyone, even people in the class, or look at any other books on the subject. Most our grade is from presentation of correct proofs in class, I, of course, am not very confident in my proofs since I am so confused by his notes and talking to the prof is NO HELP whatsoever. It's not like I can't do proofs, 401 is all proofs and I am doing very well in that class. Everyone else has presented 3-4 proofs, and I presented a whooping 1.

I missed class on Tuesday because of a migraine, and I have gone to class with a migraine before, but the way I deal with the inordinate amount of stress is by avoiding the class. I missed class today b/c I missed my first class (she lectures straight from the book, though) and I just couldn't move to get to the proofs class. That's how I deal with anxiety (thanks PTSD), by freezing, or in this case avoiding. I know it's not helping, especially since on Fridays I have to turn in correct forms of all the proofs presented in class (25% of my grade).

ARGH! I need a better way to deal with stress, I know this, hence all the therapy and meds and accupuncture. I would drop this class (never have so many tears been shed over a class) except it's a requirement.

How can I do proofs for my 401 class but not for this one? (Although I have a sneaking suspicion it's because I am able to talk to people and get a better grasp on the material. Group theory, check. Whatever the hell we're doing in 312, definitely not a fucking check.) ACK!

The Moore method sucks. And you know what I remember from my last class that was Moore method? Nothing, except the extreme desire to throw the prof out the window.

I hate December

So if you read my last substantial post you know that I have been having a really hard time this month. And during my 16 hour layover (my flight got cancelled and they rescheduled it for 6 the next morning, blech. they had no pilots, isn't that great.) I was thinking and December has always been a bad month. Usually that means there's a trauma anniversary of some kind, and all I can come up with is stuff about having to spend a lot of time with my mother due to xmas break and all. And now I'm here, which I always dread. If my grandmothers weren't so old and in such poor shape I wouldn't come home at all. I just can't deal with my mother. It makes sense though, because I've been having my "mom tapes" playing constantly telling me I'm worthless. It didn't help that I had asshole prof who acted like I was using my migraines and disability to not take quizzes and a test. I got 100% on everything I turned in (no late homework, even for those of us who have documented disabilities and work with disAbility resources. And I got a B- in the class, which I think is bullshit. Once I have my hands on the final I will be appealing.) even though I ALWAYS had it done by the due date.

I'm just a ball of PTSD related depression and anxiety and I have been all month. I caught myself thinking that I should just end it with the first person I've ever loved. It's been that bad. Now that I'm in Chicago I just want to leave. Waiting for the plane filled me with anxiety and just made me want to ditch it and go home. I've been here 30 minutes and I'm crying.

I'll be back hopefully in a few weeks. I'm just overwhelmed with PTSD-related issues right now.

I hope you're all well and enjoy the holiday season (and for you students/profs I hope you enjoy your break.) I need to go now.

I FUCKING HATE DECEMBER (and can't wait until I can spend every December in my little repopulated ghost town in southwest Texas. Nothing gets to me there, I'm just filled with a sense of peace and joy at being alive. After I pay off my student loans I'll probably buy some land and move there for good. people survive down there by working as little as 2 nights a week (those that own land anyway.)

*sigh*

mmm Finals, and what other then anxiety!

So next week is finals week. Mine are on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.

So I've been getting migraines 1-2 times a week where I used to get them 1-2 times a month. My doc put me on some preventative meds but they also lower your blood pressure and it lowered mine way to much. I've spent the past 3 days feeling all woozy, dizzy, and airheaded. It felt like watching something and someone kept shaking the camera, and everytime they did it was like my brain was an etch-a-sketch that got erased as well. It made doing my last physics assignment hell. It took me 4 friggin' days to do an assignment that would usually take only two.

Is it right that I'm a math major but I spend all my time in the physics building? We have couches in the TAs office and food. It makes it really hard to have an excuse to leave before you're done with your work.

I thought that I was being fired from my TA job, but really the guy who assigns labs has very bad people skills, because I brought it up with Andrew, actually he brought it up with me, who I'm rewriting the labs for and he was nothing but praise, he only brought up his concern over my health issues (1-2 migraines a week since September) and I was really happy because I learned that I'm very enthusiastic about the labs, I'm very approachable for the students and well liked, and that I am very helpful. He then said he would talk to the guy who hands out the lab assignments because he was worried that I wouldn't get a lab b/c he felt that there may have been a miscommunication. He asked me to do the 101 labs with him this winter and then another calc-based physics lab with him in the spring. YAY! I'm a good TA (so said the anonymous surveys we received about the labs this summer).

Well I'm glad to know that after spiraling into a depression cycle for the next 4-5 days. yippie. I missed another quiz. gah.

I waited until after we talked about the labs, because I didn't want to make him feel bad or anything and then I gave him a teddy bear I knit for his 6 mo and some shark mitts (pictured below) I made for his 5 year old. He loved the mitts and told me that his whole family would. He's been under so much stress this quarter I wanted to give him something to pick up his spirits a bit. I love the mitts and really want to try to make them in an adult size.



Wish me luck on my finals! I will be, surprise, surprise, in the physics library all day Monday. I would be there on Tuesday if I didn't have a final that afternoon. whoosh!

Another week, more problems

So my insomnia has been acting up again. It's really fucking with school. And when I can't sleep my anxiety gets much much worse. I need to talk to my doctor because the 25mg of seroquel is not working anymore. I was going to go up for my friend's birthday in Vancouver, but I'm here and feel like I got hit by a mack truck.

I had tests in my Classical Mechanics class and my hard math class today. I was in the testing center for 7 hours, partially because I kept having mini panic attacks and almost started crying several times. It was very disconcerting. I'm still kicking myself b/c I know my physics prof would have let me take the test on Monday. I spent so much time studying for physics that I only did some damage control this morning (though I've been doing all the homework in my math class religiously).

I think I did well on the mechanics test. I feel that I did passable on the math test, even though I almost broke down several times during it.

I have to talk to my therapist about the sleeping thing, and the fact that lately my mom tapes have been playing repeatedly and every time I have trouble with something my immediate thought is that I'm too stupid and I should quit (she used to tell me repeatedly that I was stupid and that I'd never amount to anything. great mother, huh?).

It doesn't help that I have the math prof I hate who makes me feel like an idiot everytime I have a problem. And I've been doing the most moronic thing too: I'm madly in love with a total math genius. he never got anything but an A in any of his classes (though part of this may be that he probably has much better study habits then I do. I only really know how to study by doing the homework. Reviewing stuff is still hard for me) and it's the same when I can't do something, I think of him and feel like a complete idiot (but only in my math classes, when I asked him to check to see that my physics math was right he was totally lost, partially because of the dummy variables). But he's nothing but supportive. In fact he's awesome.

I know it's just my anxiety and my PTSD (mom tapes) acting up, but it's been this way for the past two weeks. I really need to do something about this. It's also seriously making me doubt grad school. I need to get this under control. I thought it was, but then it comes back to bite me in the ass. Having a mental health disability is so fucking hard. I hate my life sometimes. But I will keep trying and I will beat this fucking bullshit. (I hope.) I really want to go to grad school, badly. I'll just have to try twice as hard as some people, and let me tell you, I don't think it's fucking fair.

In other news I got a B on my DiffEQ test. We have another one next week. This week I'm going to finally open the book. I can ace this class if I study a little.

EDIT: I found a sliding scale accupuncture place and am going in because I've been having a lot of muscle spasms (in my neck) which lead to migraines and they've all gotten more frequent in the past two weeks. I can't go a day without a muscle relaxer and it's killing me (and turning me into a zombie). *Fingers crossed* I hope this works. I'm gonna see if they can help me with my insomnia too.

EDIT #2:
This is taken from a comment I refuse to publish, b/c I have before and I am sick of people telling me that my meds are harmful. Maybe they are, but they have improved my quality of life tenfold. I will answer all of you here, so don't bother to comment, it won't be published. I know what's best for me, not you. So sod off.

I take this medication because it is my informed decision. I am also on mood stabilisers which have improved the quality of my life by 100%. I don't want any more comments about how it's "unfeminist" to be on medication. Trust me I have tried everything for my insomnia (I've had it since I was a kid) and for everything else, although I am going to an accupuncturist on Monday to see if we can do something about these muscle spasms and migraines. My therapist is a kick ass radical feminist. While she did suggest I go on a mood stabiliser she never pushed and after two years I decided that I would finally try it. My meds are my business. Yes I think the drug industry is fucked up, yes I am loathe to support them (even though my medicaid pays for it), but nevertheless I am more then happy to take the medications that I do. I have spent the last 7 years fighting this and I finally decided to try meds, and they work. So kiss my ass, it's not unfeminist.

Would you tell a diabetic that they couldn't have their insulin b/c it would be unfeminist for them? What about a cancer patient? Those of us who live with an illness are the only ones who it should matter to what we do to help alleviate our problems. I will never be ashamed for what I do to help me sleep, help to manage my moods, or help me manage the pain from my muscle spasms and migraines.

Also my "mom tapes" are not a load of patriarchal bullshit. I have severe PTSD because of the abusive environment I was raised in. My mother used to physically and emotionally abuse me. My "mom tapes" are the thoughts that keep repeating over and over in my head that are direct quotes from her. I do not think I am stupid and I know that I will definitely do something great with my life. I have all ready have. I have amounted to a kick ass activist who has published feminist theory and who is almost finished with her schooling in math and physics and is planning on attending grad school. But then there pops up my mom's annoying voice telling me that I'm shit, that I'm worthless, that I'm stupid and that I'll never amount to anything. Those are not my ideas, those are things that *she* told me. I named them my "mom tapes" not my awesome therapist. Again, it is my choice, my decision.

If you come to tell me that it's fucked up and I'm just a victim of the medical community you are ignoring any agency I have and my ability to decide what is best for me. Whether that is medication, naming my traumas, or anything else I decide to do to help alleviate the problems my disability throws at me it doesn't fucking matter what you think. Only I know what it's like to be me, not you, not anyone else. No one tied me down and forced this medication down my throat. No one forced me to accept the idea of mom tapes, in fact I feel that it's pretty damn accurate.

Not dead

Buried by school work. Why the hell do profs have homework assignments due 1 to 2 days after they finish covering the material? (The book wasn't particularly illuminating in either case.)

I have Physics homework that I'm still working on 6 hours later, and math homework I *just* completed. Not to mention a test I have to study for and a quiz, though the quiz is not on the homework I spent 2 hours doing. When am I supposed to study for these? Not sleep?

I'm on the verge of having a panic attack, but I'm trying not to.

ARGH

Can I get some crazy with that cake?

This year sucks. This year alone I have been diagnosed as ADD and with Bipolar moods. So that adds to my previous diagnoses of PTSD, BPD, and depressed. I love the rollercoaster. ACK.

Self Injury Awareness Day

Dr. Deborah Serani has a good post up (see link) on the ins and outs of self harm. I think her table on why people self harm is pretty accurate, being someone who self harms myself. (Or used to. It's been 9 months without any self harm, go me. But it's also been 9 months with an emergency stash of Xanax, so no horrific anxiety attacks that I was awake for.)



The dissociation route is me. And for me instead of being told I want attention (so why did I cut in areas other people wouldn't see unless they saw me naked?) or something else inane like that, the reasons for my self harm are actually on target in this graph. We know it's bad, it doesn't mean it doesn't help us cope with dissociation. I'm in the middle of exploring other ways to ground myself. We'll see how this goes. In the middle of June it will be a year since I last self harmed, and it is myu biggest scar yet, so I've got my fingers crossed that the meds keep doing their job.

If you know a self injurer, leave your judgement at the door. Trust me, we're all ready thinking it, hence the amount of shame surrounding self harm.

Hat tip Terry at I See Invisible People

They need me

So my water polo team sent me an email telling me their other goalie is not going to be able to make the last 2 games of the tournament and they need me there. I told them that I would go, but I'm worried about having another anxiety attack because they hate me. They don't hate me, they hate me because I don't act like them. That and I'm hairy. Well I guess so, because they sure do like to talk about me when they think I'm not there. I'm not sure if going is the best idea, but I'd only be there for two games, though they are on saturday and then sunday. I am used to sitting there feeling like the odd person out, I do have 2 years of practice with the team.

But water polo makes me feel great, when I can think about water polo and not how stupid my team is. Lets just hope that I can think about playing and not my team this time. I know I'm not supposed to take Kava Kava with my zoloft, but really, can once be that bad? Because it helps me tremendously in sore spots like that. To stave off an anxiety attack or depression I have used it many many times to success.

*Sigh*

I don't know what to do. The part of me that loves water polo wants to be there, to have a final game that I play all of. That part of me is ecstatic about the turn of events, but part of me is dreading dealing with my team and just knowing that they have no confidence in me. Not because I'm not a good player, but, again, because I'm not like them. Waaaah.

Hardship withdrawal statement

While I have had my disability for awhile now, I suffered from a medication mix up last quarter that cost me the ability to concentrate. I have still not fully recovered. While we are experimenting with meds I have noticed that I have not gotten it back, things that used to be simple for me such as reading a book are now hard. (I have yet to finish a short story more then 3 pages long.) This new development has made concentrating on my studies near impossible and while I was getting good grades before, I am not now. Winter quarter has always been the hardest for me as I also suffer from Seasonal Affectedness Disorder. Combine my newly found inability to concentrate with the hardest quarter of the year for me, and the hardest classes I've taken and I can't keep up. I've missed about 5 days of school so far this quarter and foresee missing a lot more. This was a decision I thought long and hard about, and together with my therapist and David from disAbility Resources I have decided that what is best for me is to continue working with my doctor to find the right combination of medications, and to take care of myself this quarter. I have also created a plan that has me taking winter quarter off for the rest of my time here, and to possibly substitute summer quarter instead. Although this is a pre-existing condition, as I continue to cope with it new problems arise. This was a very unexpected and unwelcome turn of events for me, and I hope that the break this affords me will leave me refreshed for spring quarter. Having a stress related disorder makes the additional stressor of little to no sunlight unbearable for me. I hope that you will understand that this is not a decision I have made lightly, but one that has taken awhile for me to come to terms with. I'm still learning how to deal with my disability, and this is one of the paths I must take to ensure (relative) sanity and peace of mind.

Hardship withdrawal

I've decided to take one for this quarter. It's too much and I'm still so raw from last quarter. It will all be better after I have a break, though I wonder how this effects my work study job in the photo department and my non work study job as a lab TA. It probably doesn't effect the second one so much.

This is a big decision, but one I've been thinking about for awhile now. I can't take it, it's too much.

Edit:
I feel so much better just knowing I'm going to take the withdrawal. I'll keep my art class and maybe my physics class because it's only offered in the winter. Who knows. If I keep my art class I can keep my work study and my gym membership (for when I actually feel like moving). These are good things. I'm glad I don't have to give up art as it makes me feel wonderful. Good for me, is what I say. I need to take care of myself. This is how that looks this quarter. Who knows if I'll do better next quarter, but considering I've been thinking about dropping out a one quarter withdrawal is good. (With succesive winter quarters spent in sunny Texas for a sanity break.)

Edit #2:
Here's to finally having the energy to do my dishes and clean my house!