About Myself
Juz someone who wants to lead an ordinary life. =)

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i don't know why i cant seem to find the sense of peace in myself anymore. is it due to stress from work, fyp or the change in me after my exchange, i can't pinpoint the exact reason.

stress from fyp. frankly speaking who doesn't experience it. i mean. i thought i was coping rather well. like how i used to handle my studies with ease as i have never really feel stressed about them even when i wasnt doing well. the most i was feeling down from my tutor's comments back in jc whereby she doesn't give me good times and memories, but this time it wasn't like that as theres no one to really spark unhappiness in me.

or have i just been thinking too much and having too much time to myself to start entertaining those negative thoughts that i used to just ignore them. or have i turned more pessimistic. or its just this part of me that i don't know about myself.

rarely having the time to be at home other than my usual days of long hours in lab and concussing immediately when i reached home, i tried to really understand what's bothering me that much. but i couldn't. all that i felt was more down and that sinking feeling coming back to me. and me just lying flat on the bed, refusing to do anything but just letting my thoughts run wild. even this cny break didn't really do much except to get me away from work for a while, but i can feel that tinge of guilt from not running my experiments during these period of time.

i am such a workaholic seriously. first one / few to reach lab. last few to leave lab. or rather i can proclaim that i am the only honours student that have been spending as much time in lab as the other graduate students or RAs/RFs, though there arent results to show off about.

wonder if such temperory distractions from work actually did help me to relax more, or feel the sense of urgency more that time is running out for my fyp. this makes me question about my ability to produce results in such timeframes. i thought i could. but i feel like i am losing out the battle soon and soon going to be burnt out and hiding in some corner once probably week10 hits. probably i really need to just pull myself out of this chunk of things to be back as myself and not such a person pretending to be okay but seriously just sick and tired of her life rushing fyp.

and with less people you can interact and talk with in school, it doesnt seem to make things better. and its just me who cant really know and express what i really feel so all i always reply was 'i'm okay and i will be fine so don't worry about it.'

and really i feel like i have been alienating myself from all the other people due to my studies commitment. i only see my family before and after i come back from school. i don't even feel like replying messages these days, even to wish back the other party happy CNY. i have just been keeping things and thoughts to myself, trying to distant from everyone. given that i am an introvert to begin with, this doesn't make things better.

and exchange did make me feel how outcasted i was, how lonely i was, how protective and defensive i was against new environment and new people that i meet though i did learn how to cope with them and shut off my emotions totally. and i am glad i didn't turn to alcohol to really so-called 'make' friends with the other people.

seriously i hope things will get better once i get through all these crap and stress. once in a while i will think of turning to alcohol to numb myself but thankfully i didn't. i avoid alcohol, the depressant, at all cost. hopefully i will turn out okay after week13 and don't get too affected by the sudden emptiness in my daily schedules and it doesn't help when i only have 2 exam papers spaced 1 week apart. looking at it i might just start my vacation research immediately after my exams.

this is such a negative post but i cant really help it. i hate to feel so emo and it start affecting my focus and my mood drastically. any little things can just spark off and affect my mood for the rest of the day. i will really need to learn how to handle them well and not affect anyone else around me.

probably i will need to learn how to cope with negative feelings first by finding back my optimism and focusing on mainly the positive stuff instead of just wallowing in my sinking down feeling. think i will be fine.

hopefully i will turn out stronger and learn how to really understand and handle myself better after such an episode and phase in my life.

a happy cny to everyone =) and today marks the 4th year of me passing my driving =)

10:40 PM //

xmas gathering at da's place!
with val at sentosa before the race!

okay finally have some time to update this space here. been too busy with fyp as usual and this will continue on till i graduate in may i guess. time pass so fast and i didn't even realise its already week5 and i will be officially liberated by week13 with poster presentation. probably by then i will feel a sense of emptiness though haha. imagine half a year of 8am reach lab and leaving lab at 8pm almost everyday will just suddenly end. lets see how its going to turn out then.

can't really recall much past events over the few months that i didn't update. mainly more gatherings, movies and other times in the lab or rushing readings and proposals. had a great xmas gatherings with my guitar dearies at da's place and thanks to her hospitality we did had a lot of fun. and thankfully it was held at a time when i really needed a break so it loosen me up for my progress report. my progress report went relatively okay i guess. had 2 tough examiners (hor and yip) and i answered the questions wrongly blehs. the comments came back and its okay though. and my maternal grandma passed away less than a week before the progress report so i was rather tired rushing back from school and the wake during that period of time. not much preparation was done for the presentation as i was rushing experiments as well. hopefully the grades will come out okay =)

and finally after months of picking up running again i took part in my first race last sunday. its surf and sweat 2010 organised by ntu sports club whereby we are supposed to surf 400m out in the sea on a surfboard then run around 5.5km. in total i took around 50mins since my running pace is still slow but at least i ran non-stop which is an accomplishment. i kinda like the racing atmosphere whereby everyone will be encouraging each other one to run harder and we aren't really out-racing each other. and its held at sentosa, which is a relatively nice place to run and relax. me and val reached kinda early thanks to the early reporting time so we had a nice relaxing time on the beach before and after the race.

also, one of the weekends both of us actually ran from tj to east coast park before meeting gab and hy for our sunday dose of cycling. it was rather nice to recall back the olden times when we are have to ran to east coast park during our PE lessons or during the memorable guitar camp. we took much faster than expected and relaxed at the breakwaters. the coastline is all nicely renovated finally and after cycling we actually did short sprints on the sand which was tiring but nice. for now probably i will look out for races in july or august after i graduate to train up for longer distances like 10km with an improved pace and trying to run with my new pair of new balance 760 shoes which hopefully will minimise my archilles and knees from hurting that much during running.

and for the first time i am actually feeling stressed up over school work aka fyp. hates it when emoness and down-ness just hits me out of nowhere and affects my mood totally. its up to the stage whereby i really feel like pulling my hair out and bury myself somewhere to avoid all these work. nevertheless i will still have to face it up and carry on with my labwork to produce some nice results to wrap up the report nicely. glad there's this cny break for a while and my mentor for understanding and putting up with my emoness once in a while. normally when i am too stressed up and tired i will hide at some bench for a break and she will know where exactly to find me. i am really thankfully and feeling lucky to have such a nice mentor =) hoepfully i can survive till the end of the sem in one piece.

and still waiting for my graduate programme application results. hopefully its going to turn out okay. though it will be the same as back in my honours project but i rather be doing more studying then going to work immediately. probably will be back in the lab in may or june to do part time vacation internship first before waiting to be matriculated in august or find a job if my application is rejected. thankfully dr zhao agreed and is happy to have me back for part time lab work =)

and i'm going kinabalu in end june with nus odac! excited but worried about my physique and stamina then. hoping for more trips as grad trips. plans anyone! =)

and its chinese new year eve! i wasn't around for last year's one as i was in sweden so it feels nice to be back this year except for the madness and tiredness from cleaning the house. last year i wasn't around and this year my poor bro isn't around. going to miss his company to survive through boring visitings and hopefully he will be safe and sound from his internship in india and back in US. see if i can visit him in US in may before his return in june. and maybe i will koup his ang pow this year muahaha. going to feel weird not to be going to maternal grandma's place anymore after her passing but instead we'll be heading to my uncle's place for gathering instead.

and yup finally here's wishing everyone a happy chinese new year! =)

11:41 PM //