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Juz someone who wants to lead an ordinary life. =)
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memories carved at the back of my brain
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
aug...
its the month of august again. would say time flies. exactly a year ago i've began on my long journey of graduate studies, where it have been very bumpy but i'm glad to have support from everyone around me. its still nevertheless bumpy with many hurdles to cross (as what val says) but at least i'm content, just getting pass day to day.
everyone asked me why i would do my phd, and what i'll do after that. initially, the idea was that i'm just too tired or not bothered to find a job outside and if i get stipends from studying, its as if i'm being paid to study so why not. furthermore, my parents' idea was for both of us to get the highest possible educational qualification, as there are indeed many bachelors and masters degree around and hence they supported my idea of doing a phd, despite the risk of overqualification in many jobs. my retreat route was to downgrade to masters, in the case i cannot cope with this life anymore. but looking at it, the retreat route is rather bleak, as looking at it, my parents are now trying to get my bro to do his phd, so its inevitable i'll be on this path once again. furthermore, i've chosen this route, and hence its necessary that i'll fulfil it, to the best that i can. hopefully the tears of suffering will eventually convert to tears of joy, upon wearing of the green robe and the cute fluffy hat, after crossing the many hurdles of oral QE, attachment, long lab hours and finally oral defense.
frankly speaking, i've never been feeling much sense of joy and satisfaction ever since i've completed my degree. from the stint of a part-time RA to conversion to a phd student, i'm feeling exhausted and lost everyday. furthermore with the covering of lab admin duties, i feel that im being split into many parts, unable to really focus on any of the single things. thats why jacks of all trades will never thrive. with all the minor little things that im in charge and what boss throw to me, i had enough. can you imagine every min every hour i'm just so tied down by thoughts of work, even when i'm suppose to be resting on weekends and on leave, when the emails just come in as and when they want. even on saturdays, i've have to make urgent arrangements, and waiting for his 'wonderful' replies. i'm not an LO, and why i'm being arrowed to do all these rubbish when others just have to concentrate on rushing lab work.
furthermore with the introduction of biweekly report, its not a good news for me, as i'll need to churn out what, 4 to 5 experiments per 2 weeks just to fill up the 5 slides? the inertia and the reluctance is so high to just get me in looking at my own stuff, which im currently being stuck totally. no sense of satisfaction, no sense of joy, no sense of feeling that i myself have some worth. dropping out is a very tempting path to take, to relieve me of all these crap. to add on i still have that freaking manuscript to edit with tight schedule, i wonder how am i going to come out of these alive, and to really enjoy my trips with all this things bogging my mind. thats the sad life of a phd student huh. just that im probably unlucky with so many arrows coming my way, with the new batch of students coming in and boss throwing me into every single matter ever possible. grrr.. cant wait for SW to be back soon, to at least clear half of my current burden. im getting breathless of all these things, totally.
but at least, the tioman trip was pretty fun with the lab people. 3 singaporeans, 3 chinese and 1 japanese, a very diverse group i would say. but its quite fun minus off the long bus and ferry journey cum all the jams that we had. get to see the fun side of everyone, from playing of volleyball, walking along the beaches and going snorkelling! furthermore we were trapped in the middle of the sea in the middle of the night in the middle of the storm, that we cant forget in the long while, when the taxi ferry just ran out out of petrol and a storm is approaching. plus its a good excuse to escape from the poster competition and the inspection haha (it wasnt meant to but it all happened on the same day), but at least the beach was nice to just stare and relax for a while. =) being close to mother nature is just so relaxing, and we can see its wonderful creation when you get to see the fishes swimming past through quickly (minus the seasick that i had =( ) and the beautiful corals at the seabed! sadly should have gotten an underwater camera, but the memories of it suffices. check out the photos on my fb then =)
glad to enjoy the 07 korean bbq on sat with 10 people squeezing 1 pit, and wavehouse at sentosa on sunday was fun! minus the severe aching that i'm having now. looking forward to cable ski at batam this coming weekend. and of course, meeting the guitar peeps as well =)
okay gotta get back to work, my sad life. till next time then! happy national day! =)
1:17 PM
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