Last night Nick and Boo climbed into our attic to pull down some baby gear. The travel swing, the Bjorne, and lots of newborn gowns. Our sweet girl will be here ANY MINUTE so all the last minute prep is under way. Since we didn't know if Henry was a boy or girl until he was born, we were well stocked in the neutral gown/sleeper department. Boo and Chris used these clothes for Cici in her first few weeks of life, and were planning to use them for Baby Girl too.
So, we broke out Henry's newborn clothes last night. The sleepers and the gowns. The hats and the blankets. The stuff. And I remember lending it to them for Darcy, and saying "Just give it back when you are done because we are doing out FET soon!". I remember those tiny little clothes coming home and Nick carefully putting them back in the attic where they could be found again. For our new baby. I was pulling things out, sorting into piles of what they wanted to take and what was going back in the attic, and Nick make some joke about getting rid of it when they were done... and my eyes filled with tears. We laughed, because... how silly. But then I had a hard time holding it in. We laughed more, because what do you do? What do you say? How do you control emotions that are TOTALLY unwanted and out of your control? I just... I could cry right now. Full disclosure, I AM actually crying just a little right now.
It's not jealousy. Not even a little bit. This really has nothing to do with the Baby Girl. I am so thrilled for them and have been from the moment this adoption started. I am so thrilled for ME. I want my sweet niece in my arms more than I can tell you. These emotions have nothing to do with their family being complete. It's just that seeing Henry's baby clothes, the idea of new babies, of second children, of completeness...it still rubs such a raw spot in my heart. An extremely sensitive spot that I try so hard to hide.
So often I get comments and emails on this blog telling me that people are jealous of how well I am handling the acceptance of our family of three. That I am doing so well! How Great! How Wonderful! An Inspiration in being happy with what you have!
I can't bring myself to get rid of a single thing of Henry's from when he was little. I promise Nick I will. It's taking over the attic. There is so much STUFF, and we don't need it. Not anymore. I tell him I will clean it out. I will weed it down to just my favorites. I will. But then I just "forget". Or I make plans to put it in this consignment sale that is later. Not now. Not yet. Because... how can I get rid of this baby stuff. This stuff I might nee... oh wait. No, I wont need it again.
And yet I continue to "forget". I ignore. I cover the raw place on my heart with an over sized patch and think "I will deal with THAT later". I think what I need it time, but then I sit holding one of Henry's sleepers from when he was born and I cry in my living room. Six months after I so bravely accepted that it was all said and done. Just a few days since my last email of a reader saying how I am doing so well. An Inspiration!
Am I really? Or am I just good at faking it? I try to not let it control me. To not take away from my time with Henry. I refuse to spend his childhood so upset that there isn't another that I don't enjoy the one I am blessed enough to have. I guess in that regard, I am doing okay.
We have talked so much about the new baby, and for some reason Henry has started saying "TWO Babies!" all the time. I am not sure why. I don't know if he means him and Cici, or Cici and her sister, or if he wants a baby of his own. He is too little to tell me, and honestly I would be too afraid to ask. But I know one day he will ask for a brother or sister. And I know that once again the bandage will be torn off that raw place, and I don't know how to prevent it. I don't know how to develop a callus that protects my heart. Because I want to feel nothing but joy with my family. I want to honestly be able to say "Mama and Papa have one baby!" and not have my heart break every. single. time.
I cannot wait to hold Baby Girl. I cannot wait to see her with Cici. I cannot wait to tell her how wanted and loved she is. Not just by her parents or her sister, but by her Aunt Sarah. And it is absolutely worth rubbing this raw place to get to be here and to be a part of this miracle. And I am so lucky that my family understands. That Boo knows I am so happy for her, and that this rawness has nothing to do with her. Because my god, I am happy for her. So so happy. And totally seperate from that happiness for them is a rawness for myself. And I feel selfish for feeling it, but it is there. And to pretend it isn't is to not be truthful about what infertility is. It breaks your heart when you what to feel nothing but joy. It steals from you and it leaves you raw.
Showing posts with label FET. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FET. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Moving Along
So this weekend cycle day one rolled around. It's amazing how painful starting your period can be, even when you know it's coming. Somehow the finality of it all...it just sucks. But at the same time I was happy to see it all come to an end. It was like a final release of any hope, which in all honestly should have been gone anyway, but this was really it. The end of the month. The end of the cycle. The end of our treatments. Almost refreshing to say there is nothing left to wait on.
I cannot seem to decide about this follow up appointment with Doc. Have those of you who also ended your treatments with a negative result gone in to discuss it with your RE? I have this desire to go, but at the same time I have no idea what we will talk about. What is there to say? Am I looking for some magical answer that will make me feel better? I think what I want him to say is that he thinks we might get pregnant on our own...but I know he wont say that. If I go, will it just make the desire to do another cycle that much stronger, or will it give me the closure I am looking for? I am genuinely asking. Anybody who has been in this place, I would love to know if you went to your appointment, and if it helped.
Since the negative I have been angry that we can't afford another cycle, but now I realize that as financially draining as this has all been, it has been even more emotionally draining. I don't think I could do it again, even if we had the money. I couldn't start this over. I have no idea how so many people do cycle after cycle. This is just so damn hard.
If you are here from Lost and Found, thank you so much for coming by. I am thankful to have this support from this amazing infertility community. I can never tell you how much it means to have people here commenting and telling me that you understand, that you are here for us, that you love our family, that it's okay to still be crying over this. So thank you all. It is exactly what we need.
I cannot seem to decide about this follow up appointment with Doc. Have those of you who also ended your treatments with a negative result gone in to discuss it with your RE? I have this desire to go, but at the same time I have no idea what we will talk about. What is there to say? Am I looking for some magical answer that will make me feel better? I think what I want him to say is that he thinks we might get pregnant on our own...but I know he wont say that. If I go, will it just make the desire to do another cycle that much stronger, or will it give me the closure I am looking for? I am genuinely asking. Anybody who has been in this place, I would love to know if you went to your appointment, and if it helped.
Since the negative I have been angry that we can't afford another cycle, but now I realize that as financially draining as this has all been, it has been even more emotionally draining. I don't think I could do it again, even if we had the money. I couldn't start this over. I have no idea how so many people do cycle after cycle. This is just so damn hard.
If you are here from Lost and Found, thank you so much for coming by. I am thankful to have this support from this amazing infertility community. I can never tell you how much it means to have people here commenting and telling me that you understand, that you are here for us, that you love our family, that it's okay to still be crying over this. So thank you all. It is exactly what we need.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The Back and Forth of Heartbreak
I was pretty proud of myself yesterday morning. All thankful about seeing things from the right way. The grateful way. Not wallowing in self pity. It was a good hour or two. But the thing was, after that good couple of hours, I had a bad couple of hours. A heart broken couple of hours. The truth is, I have no idea how to do this. I have no idea how to explain to my heart that this is all over. I have no idea how to LET GO. I feel like even the good hours are really just hours I am in denial.
"This progesterone is still doing a number on my body. I am totally having pregnancy symptoms still...and my period is nowhere is site. Wouldn't it be crazy if..."
"I took that yeast infection medicine a couple of days ago. I wonder if betas can be made into false negatives by..." (they can't. I googled it)
"We might still get pregnant on our own later. It doesn't have to be over. I mean, if I could just get ovulating...and make sure my tubes are still in alignment...and my ovaries aren't still covered in endo and cysts..."
I talked a big game. At the end of this, we were done. I wasn't even going to a follow up appointment. There was no need. This door was going to be slammed shut and locked. Baby #2 is not happening. It's birth control until hysterectomy. The end.
But...
How? How do I say that? How do I go from being as close as I will ever be to having this, to totally walking away? So instead of slamming the door I find myself googling IVF grants and scholarship programs. Reading the fine print to see if they even allow people with one child to apply (the short answer is no). I mention to Nick that maybe in the next year or so our financial situation will change. That he will get an amazing new job that will make us much more financially secure and we can pay off the debt of the old infertility and start over. And he looks as me and says as gently and kindly as possible, "Even if we had the money, we would have to discuss if we WANTED to do this all again..." and I am like, "What? Why wouldn't we want to do THIS??" before I burst into tears and run from the room. Again.
Right. We might not want to do THIS again because THIS is how it can end. With my heart torn our and tears that I can't control. Because grieving like this is one of the very hardest things I have ever done. And I can't talk about it. Not in real words. Because nothing comes out but tears and gasps for breath. So I sit here and pour it onto my blog. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I need to get it out, but I know at some point enough is enough. And everyone will get tired of reading my heartache. And I am scared that is what will happen before I can stop feeling it, because right now I just don't feel like this heartbreak will EVER stop.
I am still lost. I want to let go, but I don't know how. My sister reminded me that it has only been three days. I don't have to rush this. I have more hormones running through my body right now than most people can imagine. I am about to start my period, and I am having to accept giving up something that I have wanted all my life. I can take these days to cry. To shake my fist and say this fucking sucks. That life isn't fair, and that sometimes it is even cruel. That hearts break and sometimes, no matter how right something feels, how meant to be it seems, it doesn't happen.
For now I have decided I will make a follow up appointment. Not to schedule another cycle, just to discuss the end. Nick doesn't see the point, and I can't disagree with him except to say that I hope it gives me the closure I need. I will also go to my OBGYN. I want to stay off birth control as long as possible. I don't know if my endo will let me, but I just can't shut this door. Not all the way. Not yet. In my heart, I feel like we are suppose to be a family of four. I feel like my endometriosis is stealing that from us. But this is what I can do, so I will just see. I will give myself time to heal while holding on to the tiny chance that miracles happen. I will pray for peace, and if I am honest, I will continue to pray for a baby. And hopefully I will find one of those two things in my heart sometime soon.
"This progesterone is still doing a number on my body. I am totally having pregnancy symptoms still...and my period is nowhere is site. Wouldn't it be crazy if..."
"I took that yeast infection medicine a couple of days ago. I wonder if betas can be made into false negatives by..." (they can't. I googled it)
"We might still get pregnant on our own later. It doesn't have to be over. I mean, if I could just get ovulating...and make sure my tubes are still in alignment...and my ovaries aren't still covered in endo and cysts..."
I talked a big game. At the end of this, we were done. I wasn't even going to a follow up appointment. There was no need. This door was going to be slammed shut and locked. Baby #2 is not happening. It's birth control until hysterectomy. The end.
But...
How? How do I say that? How do I go from being as close as I will ever be to having this, to totally walking away? So instead of slamming the door I find myself googling IVF grants and scholarship programs. Reading the fine print to see if they even allow people with one child to apply (the short answer is no). I mention to Nick that maybe in the next year or so our financial situation will change. That he will get an amazing new job that will make us much more financially secure and we can pay off the debt of the old infertility and start over. And he looks as me and says as gently and kindly as possible, "Even if we had the money, we would have to discuss if we WANTED to do this all again..." and I am like, "What? Why wouldn't we want to do THIS??" before I burst into tears and run from the room. Again.
Right. We might not want to do THIS again because THIS is how it can end. With my heart torn our and tears that I can't control. Because grieving like this is one of the very hardest things I have ever done. And I can't talk about it. Not in real words. Because nothing comes out but tears and gasps for breath. So I sit here and pour it onto my blog. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I need to get it out, but I know at some point enough is enough. And everyone will get tired of reading my heartache. And I am scared that is what will happen before I can stop feeling it, because right now I just don't feel like this heartbreak will EVER stop.
I am still lost. I want to let go, but I don't know how. My sister reminded me that it has only been three days. I don't have to rush this. I have more hormones running through my body right now than most people can imagine. I am about to start my period, and I am having to accept giving up something that I have wanted all my life. I can take these days to cry. To shake my fist and say this fucking sucks. That life isn't fair, and that sometimes it is even cruel. That hearts break and sometimes, no matter how right something feels, how meant to be it seems, it doesn't happen.
For now I have decided I will make a follow up appointment. Not to schedule another cycle, just to discuss the end. Nick doesn't see the point, and I can't disagree with him except to say that I hope it gives me the closure I need. I will also go to my OBGYN. I want to stay off birth control as long as possible. I don't know if my endo will let me, but I just can't shut this door. Not all the way. Not yet. In my heart, I feel like we are suppose to be a family of four. I feel like my endometriosis is stealing that from us. But this is what I can do, so I will just see. I will give myself time to heal while holding on to the tiny chance that miracles happen. I will pray for peace, and if I am honest, I will continue to pray for a baby. And hopefully I will find one of those two things in my heart sometime soon.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Picking up the Pieces
I am feeling better. No really, I am. Not 100%, but better. I was a mess most of yesterday and when I came home from work I had a rather impressive melt down, but then Nick and I talked and he gently reminded me how lucky we are. And you all... we are.
It is amazing that we have him. Stage four endometriosis is BRUTAL to fertility. We are so blessed. We are so much luckier than so many. And even though I am sad, I do know that we are lucky. I hoped we would be luckier, but I know that I can be happy with being THIS lucky.
There is another thing I know. No matter what, Henry wont really be alone. That he may not ever get to be a big brother, but he is going to be the best big cousin that there has ever been.
It is amazing that we have him. Stage four endometriosis is BRUTAL to fertility. We are so blessed. We are so much luckier than so many. And even though I am sad, I do know that we are lucky. I hoped we would be luckier, but I know that I can be happy with being THIS lucky.
There is another thing I know. No matter what, Henry wont really be alone. That he may not ever get to be a big brother, but he is going to be the best big cousin that there has ever been.
And that gives me some peace. They will grow up together. As close as two cousins can be. And it will be great.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thoughts
Over 300. Over 300 messages of support, when I add up blog comments, twitter and text messages over the last two days. People first wishing us luck, and then sharing our sorrow.
Do you all know how amazing that is? Do you know how much each and every single word of support has meant to me? I don't know if I can ever really tell you. Your support has made me feel less alone. Has made me know that you all feel this heartbreak with us. That you understand that this feels like a loss. A loss of something we knew we wanted, of something we thought we would have.
**********************
I thought the major portion of the tears dried up yesterday afternoon around the time Henry and I got up from naps. Turns out I was wrong. They started again in full force once I climbed into bed for the night. I wasn't able to sleep until around 3, then Henry was up at 4 and 5:30 coughing. I am about to start work, and need to put on my brave face before people start asking how may day off went, but I can't seem to find it. But how do I stay home and miss another day of work for a cycle that was never anything more than a hope and heartache?
**********************
I had a plan for how to tell you all I was pregnant yesterday. I kept thinking about it, and nothing seemed right. Then right before I went for my blood draw, it came to me. It was cute and simple. It would give the new baby a name on the blog, and I was happy about it. It really felt like everything was falling into place. Until it wasn't.
***********************
I feel lost. I am really not sure where exactly to go from here, and that is terrifying. I just...never had any doubt that of our six high quality frozen blasts we would get at least one child. I never questioned us being at least a family of four. It felt right. It felt like what was suppose to happen. And now that it hasn't...I just don't know what exactly to do. My heart is broken, and I can't find a way to fix it.
I want to take back that this was our last chance. I want to make ONE MORE last chance. But there is just no way, short of Kentucky deciding that infertility is a disease and not a choice and should be covered by insurance. Doc wants us to do another fresh cycle, but it would cost around $18,000. We have already done too much, because we thought this was suppose to happen. How could we move forward, especially now knowing that these things don't always work. With my body more broken than before. With older eggs and a lower chance of success. As much as I want to, we just can't. This really was the last chance.
************************
I decided yesterday evening that we should go out to dinner. I just couldn't sit at the house anymore. Everything was nice, just the three of us at Qdoba, then I noticed the empty 4th chair at our table. And it hit me again. Just three. Never four. The tears started once more, but I got them under control. Henry started to dance at the table, and I laughed. Really laughed. But then I cried a little more.
***********************
As much as I hate this for me and Nick, I hate it most for Henry. I look at him, and I hate that the best thing I could ever have given him, I wont be able to. That he will forever have the pressure of being an only child, never have the joy and love of a sibling. I can't imagine that. And I hate it for him. I wish that, for him, there was going to be another. I wish it for me too, but my heart breaks all over again for my sweet boy and what he will never have.
***********************
It is strange the things I am mourning already. Of course the fact that we wont have another baby, but also little things. that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never feel a baby move inside of me, that I will never have that amazing experience of giving birth again. That I will never nurse again. All these things, these things that I loved. And now I know they are actually over. Forever. Each one feels a little more like a knife in the heart. Not only the loss of the idea of another child, but the loss of everything. Each little piece that makes parenting so amazing.
**********************
I hate my broken body.
**********************
I was at church on Sunday and one thing that was said in the message is that God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what will build your character. I cannot imagine that this is why this happened, as a character building activity, but I just cannot see why we were given these six amazing embryos, just to come out the other end the same. Only more broken.
**********************
As hard as the last day has been, we are going to come out the other side of this okay. We are a damn good family of three. And although that empty chair will always be heart breaking for me, I do know how lucky we are. We have our sweet boy, and we have each other.
Thank you for reading along. Thank you for the support. I will find my footing soon. But for a little while I may seem lost. Because right now, I am.
Do you all know how amazing that is? Do you know how much each and every single word of support has meant to me? I don't know if I can ever really tell you. Your support has made me feel less alone. Has made me know that you all feel this heartbreak with us. That you understand that this feels like a loss. A loss of something we knew we wanted, of something we thought we would have.
**********************
I thought the major portion of the tears dried up yesterday afternoon around the time Henry and I got up from naps. Turns out I was wrong. They started again in full force once I climbed into bed for the night. I wasn't able to sleep until around 3, then Henry was up at 4 and 5:30 coughing. I am about to start work, and need to put on my brave face before people start asking how may day off went, but I can't seem to find it. But how do I stay home and miss another day of work for a cycle that was never anything more than a hope and heartache?
**********************
I had a plan for how to tell you all I was pregnant yesterday. I kept thinking about it, and nothing seemed right. Then right before I went for my blood draw, it came to me. It was cute and simple. It would give the new baby a name on the blog, and I was happy about it. It really felt like everything was falling into place. Until it wasn't.
***********************
I feel lost. I am really not sure where exactly to go from here, and that is terrifying. I just...never had any doubt that of our six high quality frozen blasts we would get at least one child. I never questioned us being at least a family of four. It felt right. It felt like what was suppose to happen. And now that it hasn't...I just don't know what exactly to do. My heart is broken, and I can't find a way to fix it.
I want to take back that this was our last chance. I want to make ONE MORE last chance. But there is just no way, short of Kentucky deciding that infertility is a disease and not a choice and should be covered by insurance. Doc wants us to do another fresh cycle, but it would cost around $18,000. We have already done too much, because we thought this was suppose to happen. How could we move forward, especially now knowing that these things don't always work. With my body more broken than before. With older eggs and a lower chance of success. As much as I want to, we just can't. This really was the last chance.
************************
I decided yesterday evening that we should go out to dinner. I just couldn't sit at the house anymore. Everything was nice, just the three of us at Qdoba, then I noticed the empty 4th chair at our table. And it hit me again. Just three. Never four. The tears started once more, but I got them under control. Henry started to dance at the table, and I laughed. Really laughed. But then I cried a little more.
***********************
As much as I hate this for me and Nick, I hate it most for Henry. I look at him, and I hate that the best thing I could ever have given him, I wont be able to. That he will forever have the pressure of being an only child, never have the joy and love of a sibling. I can't imagine that. And I hate it for him. I wish that, for him, there was going to be another. I wish it for me too, but my heart breaks all over again for my sweet boy and what he will never have.
***********************
It is strange the things I am mourning already. Of course the fact that we wont have another baby, but also little things. that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never feel a baby move inside of me, that I will never have that amazing experience of giving birth again. That I will never nurse again. All these things, these things that I loved. And now I know they are actually over. Forever. Each one feels a little more like a knife in the heart. Not only the loss of the idea of another child, but the loss of everything. Each little piece that makes parenting so amazing.
**********************
I hate my broken body.
**********************
I was at church on Sunday and one thing that was said in the message is that God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what will build your character. I cannot imagine that this is why this happened, as a character building activity, but I just cannot see why we were given these six amazing embryos, just to come out the other end the same. Only more broken.
**********************
As hard as the last day has been, we are going to come out the other side of this okay. We are a damn good family of three. And although that empty chair will always be heart breaking for me, I do know how lucky we are. We have our sweet boy, and we have each other.
Thank you for reading along. Thank you for the support. I will find my footing soon. But for a little while I may seem lost. Because right now, I am.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
24 hours
Just 24 more hours. There isn't really a lot more to say. It's strange to think that this is the last time. The last two week wait, the last time I will think I could be pregnant. Tomorrow I either will be or I wont be. And I have no illusions of ever having a surprise pregnancy any time after this. That just isn't in the cards for us. Our doctors made that clear. I don't even ovulate on my own, and I require birth control at all times to keep my endo livable. This really is it.
Part of me wants to think that it has to be positive, that I must be pregnant because...THIS IS IT. THE LAST CHANCE FET. But I know better. There is no way to prove that you deserve this. That just because we throw down the gauntlet and say we are done, doesn't mean that in the end magic happens and you get what you want. Infertility isn't like a Romantic Comedy where everyone gets to be happy at the end of the show. I have seen it go the other way for too many people. Negatives, chemical pregnancies, ectopics. Lots of peoples Last Chance cycles goes wrong. But sometimes it does goes right.
So here we go. Twenty four hours to beta. Tomorrow around one we will know. For better or for worse. If I am being totally honest, I feel it. I feel like I am pregnant. Not 100%, but for the last few days I have been leaning that way. I have no real reason, I just feel like it has worked. And that scares me to death. It scares me so much that I have chosen to not even mention it. I shy away from talking about this cycle at all with my family and friends. I just say, "we will know soon...". Because if it comes back negative, especially now that I believe it, it will be that much farther to fall. But if it comes back positive, what a great day tomorrow will get to be.
Just a little over 24 hours and we know. For better or worse.
Part of me wants to think that it has to be positive, that I must be pregnant because...THIS IS IT. THE LAST CHANCE FET. But I know better. There is no way to prove that you deserve this. That just because we throw down the gauntlet and say we are done, doesn't mean that in the end magic happens and you get what you want. Infertility isn't like a Romantic Comedy where everyone gets to be happy at the end of the show. I have seen it go the other way for too many people. Negatives, chemical pregnancies, ectopics. Lots of peoples Last Chance cycles goes wrong. But sometimes it does goes right.
So here we go. Twenty four hours to beta. Tomorrow around one we will know. For better or for worse. If I am being totally honest, I feel it. I feel like I am pregnant. Not 100%, but for the last few days I have been leaning that way. I have no real reason, I just feel like it has worked. And that scares me to death. It scares me so much that I have chosen to not even mention it. I shy away from talking about this cycle at all with my family and friends. I just say, "we will know soon...". Because if it comes back negative, especially now that I believe it, it will be that much farther to fall. But if it comes back positive, what a great day tomorrow will get to be.
Just a little over 24 hours and we know. For better or worse.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Coin Toss
I like odds. I am a by the numbers sort of girl, so even though I know that statistics mean nothing when you are on the losing side of them, I somehow have always taken comfort in knowing the success rates. Going in to this cycle I was pretty sure we would, at best, have one viable embryo. That would give us the odds of 25% success vs 75% failure. I was prepared for those odds. I wasn't happy with them, but I had accepted them. So when we get to the transfer and hear that both embryos made it, that we had two high quality embryos to transfer in, I was in shock. This means our odds magically went from 25/75 to 50/50. 50/50...the toss of a coin.
And that is how I keep thinking of it. The flip of a coin is our fate. 50/50, could go either way. I found myself thinking of the coin so many times that I decided I sort of wanted to actually flip one. You know...just to see. But I was also a little afraid of the coin. I mean, what if it says no. Does that MEAN anything? And how do I even know if the heads is pregnant or not pregnant?
Well, my little science brain felt a challenge. How could I make this as accurate as possible. First things first, I need to set up a control. I didn't just get to call that heads was pregnant. There was no scientific basis behind that! I had to flip the coin, and that flip would represent my IVF cycle with Henry. Whatever it came up as would represent pregnant.
So...I flipped. And it was heads! (I really wanted Heads to represent pregnant. It feels more like the pregnant side of the coin, you know?)
But the thing was, then I had to flip again, working my way through time, and had to have the coin come up opposite (or tails) to represent our first failed FET. I prepared myself for a lot of flipping. I mean, we had to have heads followed immediately by tails. So I flipped the coin for the second time and BAM, tails. Our failed cycle was officially represented in my experiment.
So then came the moment of truth. It was time to flip once more. And I was nervous. After putting all this thought into my little experiment, it felt like it held some weight. I flipped and it came up....
Heads.
And it gave me such joy. It gave me more hope than it should have. This weekend I have been back and forth a lot on if I think this cycle has worked. I have thought about posting to tell you that I am pretty sure I am pregnant, and I have thought about telling you I am pretty sure I am not. The fact is, I can't tell. But for today, the coin is telling me yes. And I am going to go with it. I mean, it might be right. This experiment was TOTALLY scientific. How could it be wrong?
48 hours until beta. We will really know soon. I just hope my coin is right.
And that is how I keep thinking of it. The flip of a coin is our fate. 50/50, could go either way. I found myself thinking of the coin so many times that I decided I sort of wanted to actually flip one. You know...just to see. But I was also a little afraid of the coin. I mean, what if it says no. Does that MEAN anything? And how do I even know if the heads is pregnant or not pregnant?
Well, my little science brain felt a challenge. How could I make this as accurate as possible. First things first, I need to set up a control. I didn't just get to call that heads was pregnant. There was no scientific basis behind that! I had to flip the coin, and that flip would represent my IVF cycle with Henry. Whatever it came up as would represent pregnant.
So...I flipped. And it was heads! (I really wanted Heads to represent pregnant. It feels more like the pregnant side of the coin, you know?)
But the thing was, then I had to flip again, working my way through time, and had to have the coin come up opposite (or tails) to represent our first failed FET. I prepared myself for a lot of flipping. I mean, we had to have heads followed immediately by tails. So I flipped the coin for the second time and BAM, tails. Our failed cycle was officially represented in my experiment.
So then came the moment of truth. It was time to flip once more. And I was nervous. After putting all this thought into my little experiment, it felt like it held some weight. I flipped and it came up....
Heads.
And it gave me such joy. It gave me more hope than it should have. This weekend I have been back and forth a lot on if I think this cycle has worked. I have thought about posting to tell you that I am pretty sure I am pregnant, and I have thought about telling you I am pretty sure I am not. The fact is, I can't tell. But for today, the coin is telling me yes. And I am going to go with it. I mean, it might be right. This experiment was TOTALLY scientific. How could it be wrong?
48 hours until beta. We will really know soon. I just hope my coin is right.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Five Days
So it's been four days since the transfer and there are just five more days until my blood test. Just five more little days. But in the middle of those five days is Father's Day, so I am pretty sure this weekend will move right along and before I know it, it will be Wednesday. Right? RIGHT?
As of now I am feeling pretty alright. I am tired and thirsty, and those were the only two signs I really remember being clear in the early days with Henry. But I also remember them pretty clearly from the negative FET. I have had a tiny bit of cramping, nothing to write home about, but it's there. Could be a good thing, like a baby thing, or a bad thing, like a period thing. Everything could be the progesterone or everything could be a pregnancy. And as much as I don't want to spend the next five days obsessing over it, the closer I get to beta, the less I am able to control it. But it's just five more days.
So while we wait around, you know what we could do? We could watch the new preview for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 that they released yesterday. I mean, I have seen it. A few times. But YOU could watch it now too! It may or may not have made me tear up a little. So lets go ahead and keep emotional on the list of inconclusive pregnancy symptoms. Anyway, here is the preview in all it's glory. Enjoy.
So awesome, right? I can't wait for the day I get to share these books with Henry. He is going to love them.
PS. I sorta failed at my Harry Potter Marathon I had planned. Okay, there is no sorta about it. I totally failed. I watched the first one, but then decided I just wasn't that into watching 18 hours of Harry Potter. I do plan to watch the Deathly Hallows Part 1 between now and July 15th though. I have only seen it the one time in the theater, and I will need a refresher before heading in to Part 2!
As of now I am feeling pretty alright. I am tired and thirsty, and those were the only two signs I really remember being clear in the early days with Henry. But I also remember them pretty clearly from the negative FET. I have had a tiny bit of cramping, nothing to write home about, but it's there. Could be a good thing, like a baby thing, or a bad thing, like a period thing. Everything could be the progesterone or everything could be a pregnancy. And as much as I don't want to spend the next five days obsessing over it, the closer I get to beta, the less I am able to control it. But it's just five more days.
So while we wait around, you know what we could do? We could watch the new preview for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 that they released yesterday. I mean, I have seen it. A few times. But YOU could watch it now too! It may or may not have made me tear up a little. So lets go ahead and keep emotional on the list of inconclusive pregnancy symptoms. Anyway, here is the preview in all it's glory. Enjoy.
So awesome, right? I can't wait for the day I get to share these books with Henry. He is going to love them.
PS. I sorta failed at my Harry Potter Marathon I had planned. Okay, there is no sorta about it. I totally failed. I watched the first one, but then decided I just wasn't that into watching 18 hours of Harry Potter. I do plan to watch the Deathly Hallows Part 1 between now and July 15th though. I have only seen it the one time in the theater, and I will need a refresher before heading in to Part 2!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A To Do List (for you...)
Well, here we are. 3dp5dt (three days past a five day transfer). Sorta in no mans land. Too early to really start looking for symptoms, although it hasn't stopped me from trying. Six days from my beta, which at this point sorta feels like a lifetime. I loved my five days off, but am officially back to work today. I think that will help time move a little faster. I begin my new job on Monday, so that's sorta exciting!
Anyway, there isn't much to say about the transfer and current wait except that I a hopeful. More hopeful than I expected to be. I spent so long worrying about either embryo surviving that I never thought about the fact that they both might make it. As soon as we heard they were both there, ready for transfer, I got more excited than I meant to let myself get. I am trying to stay guarded from this cycle, by there is no doubt about it, the hope has been let in the door.
ANYWAY, I keep not getting around to my POINT of the post. A TO DO LIST! So I have enjoyed some stuff lately, and I want to share it with you! And by share I mean force you to follow suit and do these things too, so we can discuss them! Here we go.
1 Super 8- You all, this movie, I loved it SO MUCH. The group of friends, they are wonderful. They constantly reminded me of Nick's group of guys that have been friends since elementary school. Who also made a movie, which is hilarious. The kids, the dads, the entire setting, I loved it all. It was a little scarier than I expected, but completely in a good way. Go see it. You will enjoy it! (but there is some sci-fy to it...I don't mean to imply it is a comping of age story about a group of boys. I mean, it IS kinda that, but with something super creepy included.)
2. Divergent by Veronica Roth- I read this book mainly (okay, totally) because Miss Zoot told me to. And I listen to Zoot, because our taste in things like books and movies are alarmingly similar. She was 100% right about this book. I loved it. Maybe close to as much as I loved the Hunger Games. I can't wait to reread it (because I am a big rereading nerd). It's all Distopian society with division of houses based on personalities worked in. I killed this book in less than 48 hours and can't wait for the next one to come out. You should read it!
3. The Voice- (but only when watching it on DVR). I am seriously enjoying The Voice. But it takes me about 45 minutes to watch a two hour episode. All the TALKING...It's just...MOVE ALONG. But the singing, some of these people are amazing. AMAZING. I was really worried about Team Blake after the battle rounds, because...well...they sucked it up, but then last week happened and they were all incredible! I sorta think he DOES have the strongest team. Anyway, watch it.
4. Chalk- Henry got chalk for his birthday so on Sunday he and I went out to play on the driveway with it. He lost interest rather quickly, but not me! I drew rainbows and balloons, the entire alphabet and the little green dudes from Toy Story. It was enjoyable. So buy some chalk, then steal it from your kids and play with it. You will have fun.
(I tried to get him to lay down by the balloons like I have seen on several other blogs and it is SO CUTE. But he was all like, "Hell to the No, Mama." And I was like, "Henry! Don't say Hell." )
5. Read my newest Blogher Book Club review for Getting to Happy (but then maybe don't read the book...unless you want to, then totally read it)- Did you believe me when I said I would be honest about a book and tell you if I didn't like it? Well... I have proven it, because my latest review was a thumbs down. You can read it here. It does have spoilers, but they are clearly marked in the review.
So I guess that's it. A list of things for you all to do between now and my beta next Wednesday. Now I just need you to give ME a list of things to do to help the time pass. Just six more days...
Anyway, there isn't much to say about the transfer and current wait except that I a hopeful. More hopeful than I expected to be. I spent so long worrying about either embryo surviving that I never thought about the fact that they both might make it. As soon as we heard they were both there, ready for transfer, I got more excited than I meant to let myself get. I am trying to stay guarded from this cycle, by there is no doubt about it, the hope has been let in the door.
ANYWAY, I keep not getting around to my POINT of the post. A TO DO LIST! So I have enjoyed some stuff lately, and I want to share it with you! And by share I mean force you to follow suit and do these things too, so we can discuss them! Here we go.
Bio Girl Reader To Do List
1 Super 8- You all, this movie, I loved it SO MUCH. The group of friends, they are wonderful. They constantly reminded me of Nick's group of guys that have been friends since elementary school. Who also made a movie, which is hilarious. The kids, the dads, the entire setting, I loved it all. It was a little scarier than I expected, but completely in a good way. Go see it. You will enjoy it! (but there is some sci-fy to it...I don't mean to imply it is a comping of age story about a group of boys. I mean, it IS kinda that, but with something super creepy included.)
2. Divergent by Veronica Roth- I read this book mainly (okay, totally) because Miss Zoot told me to. And I listen to Zoot, because our taste in things like books and movies are alarmingly similar. She was 100% right about this book. I loved it. Maybe close to as much as I loved the Hunger Games. I can't wait to reread it (because I am a big rereading nerd). It's all Distopian society with division of houses based on personalities worked in. I killed this book in less than 48 hours and can't wait for the next one to come out. You should read it!
3. The Voice- (but only when watching it on DVR). I am seriously enjoying The Voice. But it takes me about 45 minutes to watch a two hour episode. All the TALKING...It's just...MOVE ALONG. But the singing, some of these people are amazing. AMAZING. I was really worried about Team Blake after the battle rounds, because...well...they sucked it up, but then last week happened and they were all incredible! I sorta think he DOES have the strongest team. Anyway, watch it.
4. Chalk- Henry got chalk for his birthday so on Sunday he and I went out to play on the driveway with it. He lost interest rather quickly, but not me! I drew rainbows and balloons, the entire alphabet and the little green dudes from Toy Story. It was enjoyable. So buy some chalk, then steal it from your kids and play with it. You will have fun.
5. Read my newest Blogher Book Club review for Getting to Happy (but then maybe don't read the book...unless you want to, then totally read it)- Did you believe me when I said I would be honest about a book and tell you if I didn't like it? Well... I have proven it, because my latest review was a thumbs down. You can read it here. It does have spoilers, but they are clearly marked in the review.
So I guess that's it. A list of things for you all to do between now and my beta next Wednesday. Now I just need you to give ME a list of things to do to help the time pass. Just six more days...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Emotional
I am a little over emotional these days. I don't think it would be fair to blame it on being a full 24 hours pregnant. I mean, it COULD be that, but I did start crying during a preview for the final Harry Potter movie on Saturday, which was a good 48 hours before the transfer, so I am going to blame it on all the hormones. That HAS to be it. For sure. It can't be that just my love of the boy wizard moved me to tears in a movie theater. With a preview I had ALREADY SEEN.
I just got off the phone with Henry. He has been with my parents since Sunday night, and for some reason as soon has I heard his voice I started to cry. It isn't the longest I have been away from him, but he did spend two nights with Nick's mom a few days ago, so he has been gone a lot in the last week. He was going to stay with my mom until later in the evening, but they are on their way here now instead. I can't wait to see my sweet boy. It's just been two days, but it has been a big two days and it feels like a lot has happened. It feels like he may have grown. It feels like I need to see him. To hug him. To tell him what an amazing miracle he truly is. He is my baby. Maybe my one and only, maybe my oldest child. Eight days from today we will know about this cycle, but for today I am ready to have my sweet Henry home. My heart is aching for him. And for our maybe babies too.
These parenting emotions. Sometimes they are more than I can handle. Especially when on all these infertility medications.
I just got off the phone with Henry. He has been with my parents since Sunday night, and for some reason as soon has I heard his voice I started to cry. It isn't the longest I have been away from him, but he did spend two nights with Nick's mom a few days ago, so he has been gone a lot in the last week. He was going to stay with my mom until later in the evening, but they are on their way here now instead. I can't wait to see my sweet boy. It's just been two days, but it has been a big two days and it feels like a lot has happened. It feels like he may have grown. It feels like I need to see him. To hug him. To tell him what an amazing miracle he truly is. He is my baby. Maybe my one and only, maybe my oldest child. Eight days from today we will know about this cycle, but for today I am ready to have my sweet Henry home. My heart is aching for him. And for our maybe babies too.
These parenting emotions. Sometimes they are more than I can handle. Especially when on all these infertility medications.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Transfer
Two beautiful embryos were transferred this morning. They both survived the thaw. We feel very blessed. I was completely shocked to hear they both made it.
I woke up around six thirty and realized it was the time they would be removing the embryos from deep freeze. I spend awhile praying for them and for the transfer, and then went back to sleep. We arrived at the clinic a couple of hours later and were told everything looked perfect. Neither embryo was fully expanded yet, but they said that was perfectly normal and all was great.
The transfer was not as easy as my last FET. It was much more like my transfer with Henry, which somehow I take comfort in. He had a hard time getting the catheter past my cervix, but once he got it in the transfer went off without a hitch. I laid there for fifteen minutes and we headed home! Simple as that. (Ha...simple)
On the way back to the house we picked up breakfast from Chic-fil-a and I am now watching a marathon of the Harry Potter movies to get ready for the last one next month. All in all I am feeling pretty good. Pretty good and pretty hopeful. All we can do now is wait.
I woke up around six thirty and realized it was the time they would be removing the embryos from deep freeze. I spend awhile praying for them and for the transfer, and then went back to sleep. We arrived at the clinic a couple of hours later and were told everything looked perfect. Neither embryo was fully expanded yet, but they said that was perfectly normal and all was great.
The transfer was not as easy as my last FET. It was much more like my transfer with Henry, which somehow I take comfort in. He had a hard time getting the catheter past my cervix, but once he got it in the transfer went off without a hitch. I laid there for fifteen minutes and we headed home! Simple as that. (Ha...simple)
On the way back to the house we picked up breakfast from Chic-fil-a and I am now watching a marathon of the Harry Potter movies to get ready for the last one next month. All in all I am feeling pretty good. Pretty good and pretty hopeful. All we can do now is wait.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Five Day Weekend
I cannot stop looking at the clock. I check the time, scan around at my work to be done (decide to not do it), check my email, and then quickly look at the clock again. Hoping that all my looking around has managed to eat up approximately four hours and it is FINALLY time to go home! Apparently, time refuses to work that way. Looking around continues to take about three minutes. (If you all would be up to emailing me or possibly commenting on my posts I could TOTALLY kill more time with the email step. Just sayin')
A five o'clock today I will walk out of work and not be back until next Thursday. THURSDAY you all. That's five entire days of me time. And like, not crap me time full of stuff that has to be done, but actual honest to god ME TIME. Where I will mostly do exactly what I want, laying around on the couch trying to be extremely zen and nurturing for my embryos that will be coming on board Monday. Between now and Monday I have awesome days planned full of Super 8, lunch with family, birthday celebrations for my dad and Missy, pool time with my boy and all around laziness.
Monday at 8:45 I will head in for the transfer, and I am still nervous about that. Nervous about the thaw mainly at this point, but I am ready. So so ready. And although I know two days off isn't really necessary for a transfer, I am choosing to take them just the same. Two days to relax and know that I am doing everything I can. Wednesday will be back to normal, but since it's always my day off it will extend my time to a full on five day weekend. It will be awesome. And nerve wracking. But mostly awesome.
Now I just need five o'clock to get here. Tick tock.
A five o'clock today I will walk out of work and not be back until next Thursday. THURSDAY you all. That's five entire days of me time. And like, not crap me time full of stuff that has to be done, but actual honest to god ME TIME. Where I will mostly do exactly what I want, laying around on the couch trying to be extremely zen and nurturing for my embryos that will be coming on board Monday. Between now and Monday I have awesome days planned full of Super 8, lunch with family, birthday celebrations for my dad and Missy, pool time with my boy and all around laziness.
Monday at 8:45 I will head in for the transfer, and I am still nervous about that. Nervous about the thaw mainly at this point, but I am ready. So so ready. And although I know two days off isn't really necessary for a transfer, I am choosing to take them just the same. Two days to relax and know that I am doing everything I can. Wednesday will be back to normal, but since it's always my day off it will extend my time to a full on five day weekend. It will be awesome. And nerve wracking. But mostly awesome.
Now I just need five o'clock to get here. Tick tock.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Green Light
This morning I headed in to see Doc and have my lining checked for this Last Chance FET. For some reason I was kind of nervous about it. Not for any real reason in particular. I have done this a million times before, but this morning it hit me that if our beta turns out to be negative, this will be my very last time at Doc's office as a patient. It strange how it keeps hitting me again and again, Last Chance.
Turns out my lining is rock star lining. It has to be at least 6mm, and mine was 9.9. He also said it is multilayered, which is apparently the best type of lining to have. Good job me on producing a nice comfortable future home for our embryos! I will take my last lupron injection tonight, then begin progesterone tomorrow morning. The transfer in Monday morning at 8:45, and beta will be Wednesday, June 22. Two weeks from tomorrow we will know. So I guess the two week wait begins in the morning.
I did ask if he was worried that we might lose both embryos in the thaw. He said he really didn't expect that to happen. They are high quality and that would be rare to lose them both. What wasn't said, but was pretty much implied, was to be prepared to lose one of them. We thawed four last time and had two to transfer. Now we will start with two and see where we go. I am worried about it, but trying to put it out of my mind. I can't do anything about the thaw, so I will just focus on being as ready as possible for the transfer and pray that one of our original six frozen embryos really was meant to be our forever second baby.
Turns out my lining is rock star lining. It has to be at least 6mm, and mine was 9.9. He also said it is multilayered, which is apparently the best type of lining to have. Good job me on producing a nice comfortable future home for our embryos! I will take my last lupron injection tonight, then begin progesterone tomorrow morning. The transfer in Monday morning at 8:45, and beta will be Wednesday, June 22. Two weeks from tomorrow we will know. So I guess the two week wait begins in the morning.
I did ask if he was worried that we might lose both embryos in the thaw. He said he really didn't expect that to happen. They are high quality and that would be rare to lose them both. What wasn't said, but was pretty much implied, was to be prepared to lose one of them. We thawed four last time and had two to transfer. Now we will start with two and see where we go. I am worried about it, but trying to put it out of my mind. I can't do anything about the thaw, so I will just focus on being as ready as possible for the transfer and pray that one of our original six frozen embryos really was meant to be our forever second baby.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Beginning of the End
Thank you all so much for your outpouring of support on my post about finding peace with the size of our family. As I wrote it, I worried you all would read it and feel like I was giving up on this FET before it even started. That you would think I was losing faith in the possibility of having another child. I should have known better. Your comments have been so uplifting for me this past week. The understanding, the support, and the constant cheering on of this cycle just means so much. So thank you all.
Tomorrow truly starts the beginning of the end of our infertility journey. It will be the hypothetical day one of this last cycle and the start of the hormone patches. We are a little over two weeks from transfer, and I cannot believe how different I feel right now from this time last cycle. The peace that I feel knowing that we have done everything we can is comforting. But still, oh my, how the hope is here with me. Every time I see a baby out in public, especially one that has a big brother in tow, how my heart is filled with this hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, we can bring home another baby. Names are creeping into my mind again, the question of boy or girl, the idea of both embryos surviving and possibly leading to twins. Just thoughts. Hopes. Dreams. All swirling around in my head and my heart as I prepare to put on my first patch in the morning.
So here we go. Our final cycle. Our Last Chance FET. Will it lead us to a baby? The green flag is waving. Four weeks from tomorrow we will pass the finish line with be our beta. Will we be settling in for nine months of planning and excitement or will we be packing up our baby gear alone with the pieces of our hearts. I hope this peace I have found stays with me. But what I really hope is that I don't need that peace to calm my breaking heart a month from now. I hope that we just get to be happy.
Tomorrow truly starts the beginning of the end of our infertility journey. It will be the hypothetical day one of this last cycle and the start of the hormone patches. We are a little over two weeks from transfer, and I cannot believe how different I feel right now from this time last cycle. The peace that I feel knowing that we have done everything we can is comforting. But still, oh my, how the hope is here with me. Every time I see a baby out in public, especially one that has a big brother in tow, how my heart is filled with this hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, we can bring home another baby. Names are creeping into my mind again, the question of boy or girl, the idea of both embryos surviving and possibly leading to twins. Just thoughts. Hopes. Dreams. All swirling around in my head and my heart as I prepare to put on my first patch in the morning.
So here we go. Our final cycle. Our Last Chance FET. Will it lead us to a baby? The green flag is waving. Four weeks from tomorrow we will pass the finish line with be our beta. Will we be settling in for nine months of planning and excitement or will we be packing up our baby gear alone with the pieces of our hearts. I hope this peace I have found stays with me. But what I really hope is that I don't need that peace to calm my breaking heart a month from now. I hope that we just get to be happy.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Peace
Something has been happening to me recently. Something deep down in my soul. And in all honesty I can credit it to nothing but answered prayers. For the last two years I have prayed for peace. To find peace with the size of our family and peace with the six frozen embryos we have left over from our IVF that gave us Henry. I was afraid we would transfer two embryo's, get pregnant with twins, and then have to make that hard decision that all infertile couples dread about left over embryos. I knew we wouldn't go back if we had three children. I worried about having that complete feeling in our family after just two children, but then having extra embryos. These fears seemed to take front stage in my mind with I thought about the first FET transfer. In all honestly, I think that was why I was blind sided by the negative results. I knew the were possible, but I had spent over a year obsessing about what to do with any embryos left over. Were we really at a point where there wouldn't be any? A point where all six were given their chance to our children?
As we move into the Last Chance FET, I find that my heart is at peace. I have hope that these last two embryos will give us the second child we so want, but now I also have a peace in my heart that if it doesn't, that everything will be okay. We are a pretty awesome family of three. We are happy as we are. And I know, I KNOW, that if we have a second child they will fit right into our little world and be our missing piece, finally complete. But if there is no other piece, if this is it, a puzzle of three, I now know that I am okay with that too. It is a peace I haven't know in years, and I realize now that part of that was the embryos. I needed them to have a chance of being a part of this wonderful puzzle. I needed to let go and to not think it was up to me to make all the decisions.
What is suppose to happen will happen. I know that a negative with this last FET will be heart breaking, more heart breaking than I can wrap my mind around right now because it will be the first time I will face an end to our infertility journey, but I also know that on the other end of that possible heart ache is a life that I love. A son that is the light of my life. And I hope to have another child, of course I do. But it is so nice to finally feel like not everything rides on that result. That our entire happiness does not ride on a positive beta. We already won. Our Henry completes us, and if we are lucky enough to have another, then we will be doubly blessed.
As we move into the Last Chance FET, I find that my heart is at peace. I have hope that these last two embryos will give us the second child we so want, but now I also have a peace in my heart that if it doesn't, that everything will be okay. We are a pretty awesome family of three. We are happy as we are. And I know, I KNOW, that if we have a second child they will fit right into our little world and be our missing piece, finally complete. But if there is no other piece, if this is it, a puzzle of three, I now know that I am okay with that too. It is a peace I haven't know in years, and I realize now that part of that was the embryos. I needed them to have a chance of being a part of this wonderful puzzle. I needed to let go and to not think it was up to me to make all the decisions.
What is suppose to happen will happen. I know that a negative with this last FET will be heart breaking, more heart breaking than I can wrap my mind around right now because it will be the first time I will face an end to our infertility journey, but I also know that on the other end of that possible heart ache is a life that I love. A son that is the light of my life. And I hope to have another child, of course I do. But it is so nice to finally feel like not everything rides on that result. That our entire happiness does not ride on a positive beta. We already won. Our Henry completes us, and if we are lucky enough to have another, then we will be doubly blessed.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Still Infertile
So, you know that FET? The big Last Chance FET? It's still happening. Just wanted to make sure you all were in the loop. I keep having traffic from Cycle Sista and I know people are expecting to come here and read about this cycle. I mean, that's what a normal person who blogs about infertility would be talking about. The daily shots, the emotional out breaks, the fears, the excitement. All of that...it's all happening. But I guess I feel like I have said it so many times before. I am just blank on how to repeat the fears, the hopes, the excitement.
I have nothing really new. Just... we are still trying. Still hoping. Still waiting. I have been on the Lupron for nearly a month now. Amazing how time flies. Each night Nick gives me my shot and we go back to whatever we were doing. Sometimes it hurts a little, I have a few bruises. One that is rather impressive. I was suppose to start my period after around seven days on the Lupron. Mine didn't start for 18 days. Because I am awesome like that and just love to be different. I went in last week for an estrogen level check and also had them take a peek at my thyroid levels. All results came back good. We are on track. We are just trucking along until transfer.
So...I am still infertile. Still fighting like hell to bring home a second baby. Still worrying about the thaw, worrying about the embryos, attempting to prepare myself for a possible negative. Still hoping and praying that God knows what he's doing...but that he also agrees with me. That we should have another child. All I can do is keep going. Keep shooting up Lupron praying that this is it. Because either way, this is the end. I am hoping that the end of June brings two pink lines and a future take home baby and not the new challenge of finding peace with being a family of three.
Hormone patches start in two weeks. Transfer is a month from Saturday. It's all here, it's now. And even though I have never had a problem thinking of things to blog about in regards to our attempt to create our family, I find myself drawing a blank. A blank full of hope...and also full of fears of a heart ache that I don't feel ready for.
I have nothing really new. Just... we are still trying. Still hoping. Still waiting. I have been on the Lupron for nearly a month now. Amazing how time flies. Each night Nick gives me my shot and we go back to whatever we were doing. Sometimes it hurts a little, I have a few bruises. One that is rather impressive. I was suppose to start my period after around seven days on the Lupron. Mine didn't start for 18 days. Because I am awesome like that and just love to be different. I went in last week for an estrogen level check and also had them take a peek at my thyroid levels. All results came back good. We are on track. We are just trucking along until transfer.
So...I am still infertile. Still fighting like hell to bring home a second baby. Still worrying about the thaw, worrying about the embryos, attempting to prepare myself for a possible negative. Still hoping and praying that God knows what he's doing...but that he also agrees with me. That we should have another child. All I can do is keep going. Keep shooting up Lupron praying that this is it. Because either way, this is the end. I am hoping that the end of June brings two pink lines and a future take home baby and not the new challenge of finding peace with being a family of three.
Hormone patches start in two weeks. Transfer is a month from Saturday. It's all here, it's now. And even though I have never had a problem thinking of things to blog about in regards to our attempt to create our family, I find myself drawing a blank. A blank full of hope...and also full of fears of a heart ache that I don't feel ready for.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Start
Big things begin today. Or maybe little things. Little things that will hopefully add up to one big big thing. In about eleven months.
Tonight is the first shot. The first of many this cycle. But it feels so exciting to finally be starting. Here we go!
**Thank you all for your votes over the last two weeks over at Circle of Moms. I have so much to say about it, but I am waiting for the final list to come out. It might be a few days, but you will get a much more wordy thank you soon. Just know that it has touched my heart that we collected over 700 votes and ended in 4th place. So thank you all for voting me onto this list of amazing bloggers. It truly means so much.**
**Thank you all for your votes over the last two weeks over at Circle of Moms. I have so much to say about it, but I am waiting for the final list to come out. It might be a few days, but you will get a much more wordy thank you soon. Just know that it has touched my heart that we collected over 700 votes and ended in 4th place. So thank you all for voting me onto this list of amazing bloggers. It truly means so much.**
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Fear(s)
It's nearly time to start the Last Chance FET. I begin my Lupron injections Friday. Don't even get me started on the fact that my insurance will only cover my lupron from one pharmacy. One pharmacy that seems inept in getting things lined up in a timely manner so I STILL don't have my meds and they aren't even in the mail and I don't know WHEN they will be in the mail because they are waiting on... something. Who knows. But it's annoying and stressful that I can't just order it from my IVF pharmacy that I loved.
Anyway, I am sure it will get here. What I am really wanting to talk about today is this fear that has been creeping up inside of me recently. Ever since we realized we really were rolling forward with this FET now rather than sometime in the future. Or maybe since my meeting with Doc where we totally changed my protocol. I walked out with this feeling of relief. Relief that we were doing everything we can for these two embryos. And then the thought came to me that it might not matter. As scared as I am that the embryos won't stay, I am all of a sudden spending more and more time worrying that they wont have the chance. That they wont survive the thaw at all. And I will spend two months giving myself these injections, I will put on the patches and take the progesterone and then, in the end, it wont matter. On the day of the transfer, we will hear that they didn't make it.
Maybe it's because this is one part that is totally out of my control. There is not a single medicine I can take, time I can spend laying down, food I can cut from my diet, that can possibly have an impact on them making it through the thaw. Maybe it's that we lost two in the last thaw. We lost two of the four we thawed. And then we lost the other two as well.
I guess I am full of fear. Fear that they wont make it to transfer, that they wont implant, that they wont stay. Really, I am terrified that as much as I believe we are meant to have another child, that I will be proven wrong. And I am terrified of how to come to terms with that. But the first fear, for now, is them making it to transfer. And since I can't seem to stop worrying about it, I thought it might be time to blog about it. Because you all always seem to help with my fears, even if it's just to say it's not crazy to fear this. That it's normal. And that it will be okay. Even if they don't make it, or they don't stay to be a forever baby, that it really will all be okay.
**please take a moment to vote for us for Circle of Mom's Top 25 Inspirational Families. It only takes a second and means so much to me. Thank you all!**
Anyway, I am sure it will get here. What I am really wanting to talk about today is this fear that has been creeping up inside of me recently. Ever since we realized we really were rolling forward with this FET now rather than sometime in the future. Or maybe since my meeting with Doc where we totally changed my protocol. I walked out with this feeling of relief. Relief that we were doing everything we can for these two embryos. And then the thought came to me that it might not matter. As scared as I am that the embryos won't stay, I am all of a sudden spending more and more time worrying that they wont have the chance. That they wont survive the thaw at all. And I will spend two months giving myself these injections, I will put on the patches and take the progesterone and then, in the end, it wont matter. On the day of the transfer, we will hear that they didn't make it.
Maybe it's because this is one part that is totally out of my control. There is not a single medicine I can take, time I can spend laying down, food I can cut from my diet, that can possibly have an impact on them making it through the thaw. Maybe it's that we lost two in the last thaw. We lost two of the four we thawed. And then we lost the other two as well.
I guess I am full of fear. Fear that they wont make it to transfer, that they wont implant, that they wont stay. Really, I am terrified that as much as I believe we are meant to have another child, that I will be proven wrong. And I am terrified of how to come to terms with that. But the first fear, for now, is them making it to transfer. And since I can't seem to stop worrying about it, I thought it might be time to blog about it. Because you all always seem to help with my fears, even if it's just to say it's not crazy to fear this. That it's normal. And that it will be okay. Even if they don't make it, or they don't stay to be a forever baby, that it really will all be okay.
**please take a moment to vote for us for Circle of Mom's Top 25 Inspirational Families. It only takes a second and means so much to me. Thank you all!**
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The New Plan
Well I had my appointment today, and I feel so good about it. I only teared up two times, and tears never actually rolled, so I was pretty proud of that! Doc told me how sorry he was that it hadn't worked. That for 2011 they have had a 75% success rate with FET's, but he was very sad that it couldn't be 100%. I told him I was too, and there just wasn't much more to say about the failed cycle after that.
We then moved on to our Last Chance cycle. I jumped right in and was honest about be interested in using a different protocol and wanting to be more closely monitored this time. For some reason I was worried he would be angry or roll his eyes or tell me to get off the internet, but he didn't. He was great! He seemed to think Lupron was a very good idea for me this time, since I had a hard time with the birth control last time. He wasn't sure the blood work was necessary at first, but agreed do a baseline check after my period and then also check at my ultrasound on cycle day nine. The more we talked about my history, the more he seemed to think the blood work was a good idea. He was not at all for the trigger shot, but he completely explained why and I am 100% okay with that. He really said that was for a different type of protocol all together, one that he stopped doing years ago because it's success rates were much lower.
He gave me lots of options, talking about the pros and cons of different drugs. He took his time and made sure I was 100% comfortable and on board with every step. He told me if I thought about it and wanted to switch things up later that it was perfectly okay. If felt like we were a team, and I can say without a doubt that when this cycle is done, win or loose, I will know that I have no regrets about how we did it. I asked my questions and feel like we are doing everything we can to give these embryos their chance. That's the most I can do.
So I start injections on April 15th. Good bye to the idea of a cycle without shots. This one will have one a day for two months. May 25h I start my patches, June 7th I have my ultrasound and blood work, June 14th we transfer in our sweet last chance embryos. I can't wait.
We then moved on to our Last Chance cycle. I jumped right in and was honest about be interested in using a different protocol and wanting to be more closely monitored this time. For some reason I was worried he would be angry or roll his eyes or tell me to get off the internet, but he didn't. He was great! He seemed to think Lupron was a very good idea for me this time, since I had a hard time with the birth control last time. He wasn't sure the blood work was necessary at first, but agreed do a baseline check after my period and then also check at my ultrasound on cycle day nine. The more we talked about my history, the more he seemed to think the blood work was a good idea. He was not at all for the trigger shot, but he completely explained why and I am 100% okay with that. He really said that was for a different type of protocol all together, one that he stopped doing years ago because it's success rates were much lower.
He gave me lots of options, talking about the pros and cons of different drugs. He took his time and made sure I was 100% comfortable and on board with every step. He told me if I thought about it and wanted to switch things up later that it was perfectly okay. If felt like we were a team, and I can say without a doubt that when this cycle is done, win or loose, I will know that I have no regrets about how we did it. I asked my questions and feel like we are doing everything we can to give these embryos their chance. That's the most I can do.
So I start injections on April 15th. Good bye to the idea of a cycle without shots. This one will have one a day for two months. May 25h I start my patches, June 7th I have my ultrasound and blood work, June 14th we transfer in our sweet last chance embryos. I can't wait.
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