Corner of the Bar Gang Present

Christmas Presents for the Corner of the Bar Gang!

pamibe, my partner in design crime, has come up with a fantastic new logo for the exalted Corner of the Bar Gang! Pam really does some nice work! Make sure you go over and tell her thanks!

Corner of the Bar Gang

If you see any of the Gang in the following list, tell them to get over here and get their present. [Look down in the extended entry for instructions]

Misha I: Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Sir John: Argghhh!!!
Pervey: Bad Money
Matt: Blackfive
Jeff: BigStick.US
Darren: Colorado Conservative
Galstaff: Finn the Viking
Phil: Flying Chair
Graumagus: Frizzen Sparks
Matthew: Matthew J Stinson
Mike: Mike the Marine
Paige: Paiges Page
The Geek: Physics Geek
SilverBlue: Ramblings of SilverBlue
Eric: Straight White Guy
The Commisar: The Politiburo Diktat
Tiger: Tiger: Raggin & Rantin
Pylorns: Wet Wired

If I left you off the list, fire off a nasty comment and I'll get you put in the sidebar as soon as I can!

Welcome to My World!

Long time lurker and commentor supreme, Mike the Marine, he of the fictitous e-mail address somewhere out in BFE, has just moved into bloggerville.

A hearty welcome to Mike the Marine from Madfish Willie and the Corner of the Bar Gang and the Corner of the Bar Babes!

As a matter of fact, Madfish has just been waitin to honor you with a membership to the Gang. So now you are duly initiated into the Corner of the Bar Gang with cold beers and free pretzels all night long. [Remember, there is NO SEX in The Champagne Room]

Now, everybody go over there and harass Mike the Marine for a change!! We look forward to his wit and expert commentary.

In case you need to blogroll him real quick:

[http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/]

Mad Dog Bad Money Harvey's Turkey Day

I talked to Harvey earlier today and asked him how his Turkey Day went. He goes into this long diatribe about how everyone in his family came over to the trailer for Turkey Day and he even had an unexpected guest.

Lorena catches Debbie adding a box of Ex-Lax to Diane's special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Niece Laura shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays nephew Matthew's summons for his court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined Laura's new coat.

Blogless Brother John, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Ronnie shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Shandra, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Roy coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Patty shows up with freaky sister Connie, who brings her new "best friend" as well as her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Blogless Tom brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Mike, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Sarah, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Derrick asks his cousins Ben & Jeff if he can borrow their thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from cousin Scott.

Uncle Harvey serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Gary's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

A BigStick Thanksgiving

Why college students Jeff likes Thanksgiving Break:

• You know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.


• Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.


• Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.


• After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.


• Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell...Even if it is for only four days.


• To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall in below freezing weather.


• Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"


• You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.


• You know the hair in the shower drain is your own.


• You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Blackfive Turkey Day Adventures

Matty O'Blackfive Turkey Day Instructions:

How To Cook A Turkey
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Glenmorangie) or Jack Daniels.
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Turkey Dressing (15#)
3 cups bread crumbs
2 large onions
2 cups of celery
2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning
2 cups of unpopped popcorn
Stuff turkey.
Bake at 350 degrees for 5 hours until corn pops and blows the turkey's ass across the room!

Drinking Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.

Jeff the Blegger

OK... Jeff from BigStick.US, poverty stricken member of Madfish Willie's Corner of the Bar Gang, needs some help to buy a digital camera. He is going to Frnace for a semester in January and wants to document that dreadful experience through his blog. [Plus, he says he lives across from the girls dormitories at school... sick fucker!]

He was going to get a cheap old piece of shit [aka POS] camera, but I talked him in to getting one that will last a few years and have the features he needs such as high speed, lots o' pixels, etc.

Go help him out and drop a couple of bucks in his PayPal because, quite frankly, Madfish is getting fucking tired of carrying his sorry ass around here. You should see his damn bar tab... and he never tips The Bartender either... dickhead!

While you're over there have a piece of Free Pie and sign his GuestMap!

PS If you need guidance as to how and what to contribute go read Harvey's take on the Pizza Rule!

Cyborg Bloggers I

C.Y.B.O.R.G. Generator
Enter your name and the Cyborger will tell you your Cyborg name and your dark purpose.

Cyborg name generator came up with these descriptive names and purposes for the members of Madfish Willie's Corner of the Bar Gang!

M.A.D.F.I.S.H.: Mechanical Artificial Device Fabricated for Infiltration and Scientific Harm
W.I.L.L.I.E.: Wireless Intelligent Lifeform Limited to Infiltration and Exploration
B.A.R.T.E.N.D.E.R.: Biomechanical Android Responsible for Troubleshooting and Exploration/Networked Device Engineered for Repair

B.A.D.M.O.N.E.Y.: Biomechanical Artificial Device Manufactured for Online Nullification and Efficient Yardwork
B.L.A.C.K.F.I.V.E.: Biomechanical Lifeform Assembled for Calculation and Killing/Facsimile Intended for Violence and Exploration

E.R.I.C.: Electronic Robotic Infiltration Construct
P.H.I.L.: Positronic Hazardous Infiltration Lifeform
M.A.T.T.: Mechanical Android Trained for Troubleshooting
H.A.R.V.E.Y.: Hydraulic Android Responsible for Violence and Efficient Yardwork
M.I.S.H.A.I.: Mechanical Individual Skilled in Hazardous Assassination and Infiltration
S.I.R.J.O.H.N.: Synthetic Intelligent Replicant Justified for Observation and Hazardous Nullification
G.A.L.S.T.A.F.F.: General Artificial Lifeform Skilled in Terran Assassination and Forbidden Fighting
G.R.A.U.M.A.G.U.S.: General Robotic Android Used for Mathematics/Android Generated for Ultimate Sabotage
S.I.L.V.E.R.B.L.U.E.: Synthetic Individual Limited to Violence and Exploration/Robotic Biomechanical Lifeform Used for Exploration
L.O.R.D.S.P.A.T.U.L.A.: Lifeform Optimized for Repair and Dangerous Sabotage/Positronic Artificial Troubleshooting and Ultimate Learning Android

A Night At Blender's

I have just experienced the drinking weekend to end all drinking weekends, and only now have I summoned the courage to put pen to paper (or whatever the e-mail equivalent is). I do believe I've recovered enough to write this...although I do it with shaking hands. The story opens as follows... I work part time at a nightclub called Madfish Willie's… that's all you need to know. A couple of times a year we take our Corner of the Bar Gang cash fund and go do something cool with it… like river rafting. Sunday, we decided to go down to Evil Glenn's bar and cause a ruckus down there... but I'll get to that in a minute... the night before, Madfish Willie's had an anniversary appreciation night where everyone who showed up received five tickets good for free drinks... since I only work on Fridays and usually don't come in at all on my days off… everyone was surprised as hell to see me there. Free booze… of course I'm gonna show, jeebus... the waitresses were buying me shooters… I bought them shooters… enjoyed my free booze… danced up a storm… did a whole lot of yelling and ass-grabbing… and don't remember a goddamn thing… but we do have some pictures.

I got a call Sunday morning from my buddy Blackfive… he asked if I could pick up Harvey and bring him out to Madfish Willie's house for the pre-trip barbecue... Super-groggy and massively hung over, I managed to get Harvey and drive out to Madfish's for the festivities… which got off to a great start when one of the guys started pissing off the front porch in view of the neighbors... we headed around back to start drinking some more… some of the guys had been up all night after the club drinking and were fucking incoherent… and the kegs were in full force… Blackfive had his sixer of beers in one hand… Harvey had a kool-aid pitcher of beer in the other at all times… amply topped off with several judicious trips to the beer keg downstairs. As the Corner of the Bar Gang are wont to do, the testosterone level got higher and higher… and the plans we had for Evil Glenn's bar were becoming more outrageous by the minute.

Preliminary Logo

I also have a preliminary logo for the Corner of the Bar Gang. Let me know what you think and how you want to have it changed up, if any at all.

Just upload to your photo server and put it at the top of your link or in your banner area linking back to me or in every post next week or whatever.

You Asked, Harvey Answers

You asked and Harvey, my Blogfather, from Bad Money answered - all your questions.

The latest heart-stopping, thrilling interview is posted at Jennifer's History & Stuff.

Harvey did a great job answering with both a touch of humor and slight bit of intelligence. However [blaming it on MS Outlook] he neglects to send links with the questions. He does make it up by posting site links on his page.

Go over to Jennifer's now and read Harvey's interview, and then go over to Harvey's and kick his ass for not doing the linky thingy right!

How about some theme music for Madfish Willie's to play as the soundtrack behind all advertising we have to do?

The Beer Drinkers Lament.

D'oh-Re-Mi-Beer by Homer J Simpson

Actually, I think the song by Homer is Blackfive's alma mater fight song!

Update 1: I like the new Toby Keith / Willie Nelson song: Whiskey for my Men, Beer for my Horses!

Update 2: I have it - the theme song for Madfish Willie's

Jimmy Buffet - God's Own Drunk

Picking Up The Pieces

[Continued from The Titty Bar Debacle]

We get in our trucks and head back over to Madfish Willie's. This time, Harvey's driving. He won't let Blackfive drive in his current condition. He's a little easier for me to follow - but not much. He drives like a madman, too.

It's getting to be about the time that the joint really packs out. As we pull into the parking lot, I see the line snaking out the door. Good thing we have reserved parking spaces close to the door. As we jump out of the truck, Blackfive makes us repeat our oath not to tell. We repeat it (Harvey still has his fingers crossed) and head toward the club.

Shit, Susie is gonna kill us for being gone so long. St John of Argghh!!! is working the door, making sure we don't get overcrowded and have the Fire Marshall down here jacking with us. We squeeze by the people in line. They start raising hell.'Yaya ya ya ya' is all I hear.

A scream is heard that drowns out the sound system. It's Susie. "Damn you guys! Where the hell have you been? I told you 'no titty bars!' Blah, blah, blah, blah." She throws a glass at us. We all duck. I hear the sound of something whizzing by my ear as the glass hits the wall and shatters.

Lord Spatula I is behind the bar helping out our bartenders, Jennifer and Linda K, by washing dirty glasses and icing down the beer. All of a sudden, here comes a beer bottle - a full bottle! It misses us by a mile [smash!] Glass and foam fly everywhere.

"Assholes!" he shouts at us.

Blackfive: "Dammit, Spatula, at least you can throw the empties. That's good beer yer wastin' like that!"

"G-d-dammit. Quit throwin shit at me. It's all Blackfive and Harvey's fault. They drug me over there. Throw that shit at them, not me!"

Boy, it really pisses me off when people throw shit at me. I've been hit in the back with too many ashtrays during my bartending days. I guess I had it coming tonight, though. Tonight only, no more.

As we shuffle past the bar, Jennifer and Linda start hollering for change and more whiskey. Crap... I forgot to leave they keys to the liquor room with Susie. I flip my club keys to Jennifer and she heads to the back toward the liquor room. I help Spatula get the bartenders caught up. I guess I'm gonna have to buy Spatula's beer all night for helping the bar babes out while we were gone. There go the profits.

Blackfive walks up to Linda and orders his usual - 6 beers. And, he orders a triple shot of Tequila - to get the taste out of his mouth probably. Linda asks him if he's alright. Shaking his head no, he downs the tequila all in one gulp and shudders for a few seconds. You know what I mean. Then, instead of going over and hanging out with the Corner of the Bar Gang, he finds the lone empty table in the joint. Sitting down, in silence - for once in his life.

I look around the room to see what needs my attention. As the proprietor of this fine joint, I need to make sure everyone has what they need. I check the DJ booth - it looks like SilverBlue is up there. Spinning some fine tunes, volume cranked up to 11, mirror ball spinning spots around the room, fog machine spewing too much smog, and making announcements about something. I can't ever tell what he's saying - he mumbles too much. I gotta get him over to the titty joint to see how a real announcer works.

I walk up toward the front door through the aisle in front of the bar. Linda's at the end of the bar, giving some poor bastard a whole rash of shit. Apparently, he was messing with the tip jars. She's really beating this guy up - verbally, I mean! Damn, I wish I could do it like that! Hey, he's lucky that she's not on this side of the bar, kicking his dumb-ass all over the place - it's been known to happen. Lucky that Spatula is at the other end of the bar, working, or he would be getting Texas Style Ass Whoopin'. A good one, too! Don't fuck with the bartenders' money - ever!!!

Dana, America's #1 Pin Up Girl, is taking cover charge. Tonight we have a live band (as opposed to a dead one?) and we have to charge so we can cover the cost of the band and lights and all the other shit that goes with live music. She's hollering something about needing change for big bills. I bring her back a stack of fives from the office.

"The Beer Tub Babe called in. She isn't gonna' be here tonight" she informs me.

Well... Crap... Just what I need... another friggin problem... what to do...

Just then, Serenity struts through the door, brushing past St John without showing ID and strolling past Dana without paying the cover - one of the privileges of being one of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Babes! WOW! Is she dressed to kill - what Blackfive likes to call a "Girl with a Short Skirt and Long Jacket". What an animal! [shaking my head in disbelief that she looks sooo... sooo... yummy!]

Serenity, you wanna' make a bunch of money tonight?

[slap] She smacks me across the face.

"What's that for? I just wanted to know if you want to be the Beer Tub Babe tonight? The regular girl called and can't make it tonight. She always make a ton of money and I thought maybe you would please help me out and at the same time have a little fun and make yourself some long green." I have a round-about way of asking for help. Actually, Serenity would be pulling my ass out of the fire by doing this - did I mention she will also make a fortune?

She reluctantly agrees, "Sure, why not? You did say I am going to make some serious cash, right?"

So, I get Spatula to help me set up the Beer Tub for Serenity. We are just about ready, and look up as she pushes her way through the crowd of guys that have been surrounding her. I go over everything with her, and she goes to work, pulling cold beers out of the ice, popping bottle tops, taking money, making money.

As I watch all the "hard-ons" order their beer, and tip her out more than they pay for the friggin beer, I realize "Shit she's gonna make more money than I am tonight - that's not fair!"

Straight White Guy, who's been standing there watching Serenity open beers with me (and everybody else in the place), tells me, "I really hate to tell you this, bro', but her dress rides up in the back when she bends over to get beer and shows off a lot of her... er... assets!"

I walk up beside her and talk into her ear, "Damn, Serenity, no wonder you're making so much money. Every time you reach over a get a beer, the guys in front of you look down your dress, and the guys in back of you look up your dress."

[slap] She smacks me across the face - again.

"What did I do? I was just trying to tell you, so you could... I don't know... do something... I thought... you should... be aware..."

"Get your ass out of here and let me make some money" she yells back.

Damn, I'm really taking an ass kicking tonight. I'm gotta put a stop to this shit!

I make my way back up to the bar. Sitting over in their Special Reserved Seats, under the plaques with their names on them nailed to the furr-down above their heads, are Emperor Misha and Frank J. They're laughing their asses off. Harvey is too! Oh, shit - Harvey told. That fucker. We gave our word to Blackfive, who has just stated his third round of 6 beers. We'll never hear the end of that crap now!

I set Spatula up with a bar tab for the rest of the night for helping us out. "Spatula, get your beers from Linda for the rest of night and she'll take care of it for you. Just don't forget to tip her!"

"Thanks, dude" he replies.

"No, Thank You for helping us out"

Finally, I have everything working smoothly - like a well oiled machine. Damn, I'm good! I'm standing over by the Corner of The Bar Gang, listening to them telling lies to anyone who'll stand still long enough. Sometimes, even the Corner of Bar Babes get tired of their gibberish and walk off. They're drinking like fish tonight - must have been a hard day at the office.

I finally notice. There's something going a little weird with the music. Something... well... not quit... on. Having been a bartender for so long and training myself to not hear the music, I have to really concentrate on listening to it. Otherwise, it's just background noise to me.

Anyway, have I told you about the Corner of the Bar Babes yet? I don't know if anyone would come in here if they weren't always hanging out. They are the best looking, hottest babes in town! Always dressed to the nines... smart too. It's fun to watch the guys hitting on 'em, trying to pick 'em up, and then get totally destroyed by someone they thought was a bimbo. They sure make the joint look better. Especially when they hang around with the Corner of The Bar Gang. The Corner of The Bar Gang is kinda' like their big brothers, watching over 'em, making sure no one messes with 'em in Madfish Willie's.

Meanwhile, Heather and Candy have finally shown up. They're hanging out by the end of the bar with The Gang.

Heather's wearing her trademark short black skirt, and why not? She has great legs... she just had them lengthened... now they go all the way to the top! Must be from all that competitive bicycling! And, she doesn't like me telling people this but, she has a great set of boobs! She always wears a baggy blouse so you can't see 'em, but I can tell.

Candy, meanwhile, is the prankster of The Babes. Plus she has this whole Southern Belle thing going on, kinda like Jodi Foster in Maverick. You know the scene where they are on the riverboat for the card game, Maverick leaves to scam the Russian dude, and when he comes back, she is surrounded by all those other guys - that's Candy. Candy is tall and rather er... busty! Lots of fun to look at (and talk to). Mmm... Candy.

Back to the music... I'm listening and I don't believe my ears. I mean, what the fuck is he playing?
Hound Dog... You're a Legend in Your Own Mind... Copacabana... Lola... Hobo's Blues... Papa Hobo... Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe...? Everybody, and I mean everybody, is looking around with that incredulous look on their faces wondering what is going on. I run over to the sound booth. That's not SilverBlue! That's Evil Glenn in a man-wig! In my DJ booth! [He must really like to play dress up] The Gang and The Babes see him at the same time I do. They all rush toward the booth. There is a mass of humanity flying everywhere. Ahead of me, I'm pushing people to the sides trying to make an aisle to get to Evil Glenn. Behind me, people are flying every-which-a-way as the freight train of regulars steam toward Evil Glenn. There is murder in the air. Evil Glenn sees all this out the corner of his eye and heads toward the emergency exit on the far side of the room. I'm right behind him and as I reached out to grab him some asshole trips me. As I fall to the ground, I reach out trying to catch my balance and take several other customers down. I'm lookiing at the guy who tripped me. It's Blackfive - drunk as a skunk! Now there is a pile of people on the ground and no one can get to Evil Glenn as he escapes into the dark night.

Blackfive: "Ssshorry... mannn, i wassssh jussst... tryinnnn to hhhrlp"

Harvey: "Get your ass up Matt, you drunken idiot!"

"We have to put a stop to this shit and right now!" I yell to no one in particular.

Frank J: "That's it. Time to break out the Ninjas."

Misha: "The Rott stays here at Willie's till we get that evil bastard! We don't want him in here fucking up the joint."

The Babes in unison: "Let's kick his ass real good!" Damn, they're tough!

"Shit... Evil Glenn manages to escape one more time. Well, we'll get him next time if it kills me!" I moan.

We do learn one more thing about the most evil and sinister blogger known to man. Evil Glenn wears bad man-wigs and plays really crappy music.

Cheers!

What they said »



---

« Tell em to shut up!


» by Madfish Willie on October 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Corner of the Bar Gang

The Corner of the Bar Gang

>Exactly what is The Corner of The Bar Gang?

The original Corner of The Bar Gang was at the legendary, little Dallas club in San Antonio around '81 - '90.

They were a group of about 25 guys. At any one time, there would be at least 1 of them sitting at the corner of the bar, drinking. From open to close, there was always one of them sitting on those stools. Rain, snow, shit or shine! Usually a group of three to five. Damn, we make a lot of money off those guys over the years. They paid our rents, bought our cars, paid for our girlfriends, everything.

But, we had to put up with a lot shit from them too. They got away with stuff I have thrown people in jail for doing when I managed places. And they would always dog the crap out of the new bartenders! Way too funny! They would dog 'em until the new guy nearly cried.

On his first day, during Happy Hour, Sid, my roommate and the fastest bartender I ever saw or worked with, was getting the treatment. He came up to me and asked, "What the fuck's with them guys?" I told him, "Just go over there and tell them to Fuck Off and they'll leave you alone." Sid went straight over to the corner and the next time they said anything to him, Sid unloaded! You've never heard such loud laughing in a bar ever! They drowned out the sound system. They were laughing so hard, they were crying! Hey, and I was laughing and crying with them. Needless to say, Sid became their number one bartender.

How do I get into Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?

I don't know for sure, ask Harvey and Blackfive - they're in charge of it. But, I'm pretty sure it involves heavy drinking and lots of laughing.

What are the benefits of being a member of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?

A couple of drinks every time you drop by, free pretzels all night, and cookies while they last.

Remember: There is no sex in "The Champagne Room". [nudge]*[nudge]*[wink]*[wink]

Plus you're linked from this post, there's a COBG header in my sidebar, and you get to be part of
The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie!

Members of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang

Harvey at Bad Money
Matt at Blackfive
Emperor Misha I at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Frank J at IMAO
Steve at Lord Spatula's BBS
Eric at Straight White Guy

The Tiity Bar Debacle

After The Beer Store Caper, Blackfive decides we needed to get away for awhile and relax. Some place different. (Here we go again.)

Blackfive: "I'm drivin'"

Harvey: "Shotgun!"

"Crap, I ain't riding between you two jack-offs. I'll take my own truck. That way, when I get tired of listenin' to all ya'lls bullshit, I can go back to work. I'll follow you, Blackfive, let's HA (haul ass)."

Blackfive: "Don't be drivin' like an old man, you turd! Stay up with us big boys this time!"

"Bite me."

With that, Blackfive peels out into the traffic, fish-tailing and sliding everywhere, in a dark gray cloud of rubber smoke.

"Shit, I'm gonna get a ticket following this idiot."

I just remember... Susie is watching the bar and she told us not to go to the titty bars. Man, I know that Blackfive is taking us to a nasty ol' strip joint. I pick up the cell phone laying on the seat beside me. Trying to dial Harvey's cell number and keep up with Blackfive's driving is a death defying act. Holy crap, Batman! I'm bobbin' and weavin' all over the place trying to keep them in sight.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... I get Harvey's dumb-ass message that he can't answer the phone right now and to leave a message. "Yeah, here's a message for you... answer your damn phone." I hang up and press re-dial.

Ring... Ring...

"Pick up the phone, yo-yo"

Ring... Ring... Harvey answers: "Now what do you want?"

"Well, Susie is watching the joint and she's gonna' be pissed if we don't get back soon."

Harvey: "She'll be OK. Frank and Misha will be back soon and they'll help her out if she get's in trouble."

"OK - it's your ass. I'm blaming everything on you and Blackfive." That's how I get out of everything - blame it on Harvey and Blackfive. "Later, dude."

Blackfive pulls into the parking lot at the local Gentleman's Club. Man, I just know we'll never get out of here. Good thing I brought my own truck. I think to myself "I'll have one beer and then go back to Madfish Willie's. Maybe Susie won't be too mad at me."

We pay the outrageous cover charge - shouldn't that be an un-cover charge? "Damn, I only want to get inside not buy the place!"

Blackfive: "Quit bitchin, you cheap asshole."

As we walk into the blackhole room full of nekked dancin' girls, it takes our eyes a bit to adjust. I hope there's no one here that I've kicked out of Madfish Willie's, cause they could really kick my ass right now and I'd never see it coming or who did it.

Our eyes adjusted, we walk up to the bar and order some longnecks. "$5 for a fuckin' beer? That's way too high! I hope that includes your tip, you greedy bastard, because I'm not giving you one!"

I look on the center stage at the featured "dancer". That has got to be the ugliest dancing girl twisting around a brass pole in the history of nekked dancin' girls - Oohhh, me eyes! Blackfive must still be blinded because he's already standing at the stage waving crisp new $1 bills around. Either that or he's blind drunk. The ugly dancin' girl wiggles over to him and does the little squat thing that all strippers do. She/it whispers something in his ear, takes his money and stuffs in her/its' G-string. Then, she/it gives Blackfive a little peck.

All of a sudden, she/it breaks out in this funky dance. Hey, I've seen that dance somewhere before! She/it is doing the Robot Dance! And she/it looks kind of like Evil Glenn's twin sister or twin cousin or something - Evil Glenn is a FREAK after all, ya know!

"I gotta get out here. You guys can watch this if you wanna. I gots to get back to work", I tell Harvey and Blackfive.

Just then the DJ annouces in his best deep announcer voice that all titty bar DJs have, "And on the center stage... our featured guest dancer for the week... Evil Glennda"

Blackfive's eyes must have adjusted, 'cause now they're poppin' out of his head! "Run awaaaaayyy!"

We all drop our beers on the floor and run out the door as fast as we can screaming and rubbing our eyes and spitting out the beer we were drinking.

Blackfive rushes over to the bushes and heaves. Spewing chunks everywhere, he annouces, "We'll never step a foot back in this place again." "Take me home, daddy" he cries.

Harvey: "That's what you get for draggin' us down to this dump anyway, you freak!"

That's how we found out... Evil Glenn has a twin sister or twin cousin name Evil Glennda that does the Robot Dance - OR Evil Glenn is a transvestite titty dancer!

Blackfive made us take a solemn oath not to tell anyone what we have just witnessed, then we all load up and head back to Madfish Willie's.

[Note: Harvey had his fingers crossed when he took the oath.]

To be continued...