The Tiity Bar Debacle

After The Beer Store Caper, Blackfive decides we needed to get away for awhile and relax. Some place different. (Here we go again.)

Blackfive: "I'm drivin'"

Harvey: "Shotgun!"

"Crap, I ain't riding between you two jack-offs. I'll take my own truck. That way, when I get tired of listenin' to all ya'lls bullshit, I can go back to work. I'll follow you, Blackfive, let's HA (haul ass)."

Blackfive: "Don't be drivin' like an old man, you turd! Stay up with us big boys this time!"

"Bite me."

With that, Blackfive peels out into the traffic, fish-tailing and sliding everywhere, in a dark gray cloud of rubber smoke.

"Shit, I'm gonna get a ticket following this idiot."

I just remember... Susie is watching the bar and she told us not to go to the titty bars. Man, I know that Blackfive is taking us to a nasty ol' strip joint. I pick up the cell phone laying on the seat beside me. Trying to dial Harvey's cell number and keep up with Blackfive's driving is a death defying act. Holy crap, Batman! I'm bobbin' and weavin' all over the place trying to keep them in sight.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... I get Harvey's dumb-ass message that he can't answer the phone right now and to leave a message. "Yeah, here's a message for you... answer your damn phone." I hang up and press re-dial.

Ring... Ring...

"Pick up the phone, yo-yo"

Ring... Ring... Harvey answers: "Now what do you want?"

"Well, Susie is watching the joint and she's gonna' be pissed if we don't get back soon."

Harvey: "She'll be OK. Frank and Misha will be back soon and they'll help her out if she get's in trouble."

"OK - it's your ass. I'm blaming everything on you and Blackfive." That's how I get out of everything - blame it on Harvey and Blackfive. "Later, dude."

Blackfive pulls into the parking lot at the local Gentleman's Club. Man, I just know we'll never get out of here. Good thing I brought my own truck. I think to myself "I'll have one beer and then go back to Madfish Willie's. Maybe Susie won't be too mad at me."

We pay the outrageous cover charge - shouldn't that be an un-cover charge? "Damn, I only want to get inside not buy the place!"

Blackfive: "Quit bitchin, you cheap asshole."

As we walk into the blackhole room full of nekked dancin' girls, it takes our eyes a bit to adjust. I hope there's no one here that I've kicked out of Madfish Willie's, cause they could really kick my ass right now and I'd never see it coming or who did it.

Our eyes adjusted, we walk up to the bar and order some longnecks. "$5 for a fuckin' beer? That's way too high! I hope that includes your tip, you greedy bastard, because I'm not giving you one!"

I look on the center stage at the featured "dancer". That has got to be the ugliest dancing girl twisting around a brass pole in the history of nekked dancin' girls - Oohhh, me eyes! Blackfive must still be blinded because he's already standing at the stage waving crisp new $1 bills around. Either that or he's blind drunk. The ugly dancin' girl wiggles over to him and does the little squat thing that all strippers do. She/it whispers something in his ear, takes his money and stuffs in her/its' G-string. Then, she/it gives Blackfive a little peck.

All of a sudden, she/it breaks out in this funky dance. Hey, I've seen that dance somewhere before! She/it is doing the Robot Dance! And she/it looks kind of like Evil Glenn's twin sister or twin cousin or something - Evil Glenn is a FREAK after all, ya know!

"I gotta get out here. You guys can watch this if you wanna. I gots to get back to work", I tell Harvey and Blackfive.

Just then the DJ annouces in his best deep announcer voice that all titty bar DJs have, "And on the center stage... our featured guest dancer for the week... Evil Glennda"

Blackfive's eyes must have adjusted, 'cause now they're poppin' out of his head! "Run awaaaaayyy!"

We all drop our beers on the floor and run out the door as fast as we can screaming and rubbing our eyes and spitting out the beer we were drinking.

Blackfive rushes over to the bushes and heaves. Spewing chunks everywhere, he annouces, "We'll never step a foot back in this place again." "Take me home, daddy" he cries.

Harvey: "That's what you get for draggin' us down to this dump anyway, you freak!"

That's how we found out... Evil Glenn has a twin sister or twin cousin name Evil Glennda that does the Robot Dance - OR Evil Glenn is a transvestite titty dancer!

Blackfive made us take a solemn oath not to tell anyone what we have just witnessed, then we all load up and head back to Madfish Willie's.

[Note: Harvey had his fingers crossed when he took the oath.]

To be continued...