Dentists.
A petition of Dentists has been presented to Congress, praying that this class of special practitioners; or at least such of them as have been in practice ten years, may be exempted from service in the army. Their number is said to be very small, and their services of great importance to the health and comfort of mankind. If only those above the conscript age are exempted the same efficiency is not to be expected of them in those delicate operations which belong to their profession. The memorial of the dentists seems very reasonable and moderate, only asking that those over ten years practice may be exempted from military service. The fact that their petition is approved by the Surgeon General, and recommended by the principal medical officers of the Government and eminent practitioners of medicine, is evidence enough of the importance of the professional services of dentists to the people. If members of Congress will refer the matter to their wives and sweethearts they will not hesitate in their verdict, and, apart from this, anything that relates to the jaw has a peculiar claim on that loquacious assemblage.We do not wish to damage the claims of dentists by our advocacy, and therefore suggest that drawing teeth is only a small part in the duties of their profession. We are aware of the horrible calamities to the country, the cause of human freedom, and inhuman oratory, which would result from Congress having its teeth drawn. The dentists can plug and fill their teeth, and make artificial ones in place of the original, thereby making a new member as good as an old, which is more than the people at large always do. Nothing is more becoming and appropriate in a public man than a false mouth, and any class which furnishes a politician with this glittering and beautiful index of his character deserves his eternal gratitude. It, however, they must be sent to the army they ought to be allowed to draw and arm themselves with the molars of every member of Congress who wastes the time of the country in long speeches, and then, though few in number, each man would prove himself a Samson, and slay the Philistines with the same weapon.
In all seriousness, we advise members of Congress not to reject rashly the petition of the dentists. If everybody is to be put in the army, the Southern Confederacy may not much longer have use for teeth; but as there is no probability of this, we invoke them to have compassion on a suffering people. The time may come when they themselves may have occasion to repent the rashness of putting all dentists in the service. Imagine their [agonies under a raging toothache, with no possibility of deliverance.]
‘ "When fevers burn, or ague freezes,
Rheumatics gnaw, or colic squeezes,
Our neighbor's sympathy may ease us,
Wp pitying moan;
But thou, thou heil o' a' diseases,
Aye mock our groan.
Where'er that place he we ca' hell,
Whence a' the tones of misery yell,
And ranked plagues their numbers tell,
In dreadful raw,
Thou, toothache, surely bearst the belt
Among them a'. "
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