Artemus Ward Sees the Prince Napoleon.
Notwithstanding I hadn't writ much for the papers of late, nobody needn't flatter theirselves that the undersigned is dead. On the contrary, ‘"I still live,"’ which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, who was an able man. Even old line whigs of Boston will admit that. Webster is dead now, howsever, and his mantic has probably fallen into the hands of some dealer in 2d hand close, who can't sell it. Leastways nobody pears to be going round wearing it to any perticler extent now days.The regiment of whom I was kurnel finerly concluded they was better adapted as Home Guards, which accounts for your not hearin of me ere this, where the balls is the thickest and where the cannon doth roar. But as an American citizen, I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on Washington from Bull's Run, a short time ago. It was well dun. I spoke to my wife about it at the time. My wife said it was well dun.
It having there4 bin determined to purtect Baldinsville at all hazzurds; and as there was no apprehension of any immejit danger, I thought I would go or f onto a pleasure tower. Accordingly I put on a clearn biled shut and started for Washington. I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the place, which I will here take occasion to observe is about as uninterestin a locality as there is side J. Davis's ter home, if ever he does dis, and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close. It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poorhouse or the penitentiary. It's becaws he can't help it. But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washington is entirely beyond my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that.
I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and sed, ‘"How d'ye do. Square?"’
‘"Fifty cents, sir,"’ was his reply.
‘"Sir?"’
‘"Half a dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for lookin at the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want supper a boy will show you to the dinin room for twenty-five cents. Your room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown up there."’
‘"How much do you ax a man for breathin in this equinomikal tavurn?"’ sed I.
‘"Ten cents a breth,"’ was his reply.
Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [N. B.--This is S rkassum.]
I sent my keed to the Prints, and was immefitly ushered before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down.
‘"I have cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and hearty."’
‘"I am quite well,"’ he sed. ‘"Air you well, sir?"’
‘"Sound as cuss!"’ I answered.
He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation to onct.
‘"How's Lewis?"’ I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. Eugene was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider? Did he cum home arly nites; did he perfoom her bed room at a on seasonable hour with gin and tanzy? Did he go to the ‘"Lodge"’ on nites when there wasn't any Lodge? Did he often hav a extensive acquaintance among poor young widders whose husbans was in Californy? To all of which questions the Prints perlitely replide, given me to understand that the Emperor was behavin well.
‘"I ax these questions my royal duke, and most noble highness and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man. I know he's smart; he is cunnin, he's long-hedded, he is is depe — he is grate! But onless he is good, he'll come down with a crash one of these days, and the Bonyparts will be bustid up agin. Bet yer life!"’
‘"Air you a preacher, sir?"’ he inquired, slitely sarkasticul:
‘"No, sir. But I bleeve in morality, I likewise bleeve in Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses, and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where the children air dirty and ragged, where gates hav no hinges, where the wimin air slip-shod, and where maps of the devil's 'wild lands' air painted upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco jooce! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the preachers do for us before we aboose'em."’
He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not at all, and he was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family.
‘"Its a great family,"’ sed I. ‘"But they scooped the old man in,"’
‘"How, sir?"’
‘"Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo. He wanted to do too much, and he did it. They scooped him in at Waterloo, and he subsequently died at St. Heleny: There's where the greatest military man the world ever produced pegged out. It was rather hard to consine such a man as him to St. Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military cloak, drawn tightly round him, (see picter books;) but so it was. 'Hed of the Army!' Them was his larst words. So he had bin. He was grate! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old boots to command some of our brigades!"’
This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand.
‘"Alixander the Grate was punkins,"’ I continnered, ‘"but Napoleon was punkinser!--Abe wept becaws there was no more wurlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the flowin bole was too much for him. It genrally is. He undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed him.--That was a bad joke for Alic!"’
‘"Since you are so solicitous about France, and the Emperor, may I ask you how your own country is getting along?"’ sed Jerome, in a pleased voice.
‘"It's mixed,"’ I sed. ‘"But I think we shall cum out all right."’
‘"Columbus, when he diskivered this magnifient continent, could have had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom,"’ sed the Prints.
‘"It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin' expedition,"’ says I.--‘"If he had bin a sensible man he'd have put the money in a hoss railroad or a gass company, and left this magnificent continent to the intelligent savages, who, when they got hold of a good thing, knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't have seceded nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in the hed with a slung-shot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller after all. It would have bin money in my pocket if he'd staid at home. Chris. ment well, but he put his foot in it when he sailed for Americer."’
We talked sum more about matters and things, and at last I riz to go. ‘"I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also, to the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy don't like living at the Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the show bizines, let him come with me and I'll make a man of him. You find us somewhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come agin next year, and you'll find us clearer nor ever. Mind what I say. You've heard the showman!"’
Then advisin' him to keep away from the Peter Funk auctions of the East, and the proprietors of corner lots in the West, I bid him farewell and went away.
There was a levee at Senator what's-his name's and I thought I'd fine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Congresser, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's father used to keep a little grocery store in our town, and she used to clerk in it for him, in y times. I was rushing up to shake hands with her, when she turned on her heel, and tossing her head in a contemptuous manner, walked away from me very rapid. ‘"Hallo, Sal,"’ I hollered, "can't you measure me a quart of them best molasses? I may want a redfish, also!" I guess this reminded her of the little red store, and the days of her happy childhood.
But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much sweeter than Sally's father's inclasses, and axed her if we shouldn't glide in the merry dance. She sed we should, and we glode.
I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks may have accidently crept in. Never mind. Besides, I think it improves a komick paper to publish a goak once in a while. Yours Muchly,
