USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (1988)

Dir. David DeCoteau

Reviewed By Goat Scrote

     The pastel opening titles and upbeat synth-rock let you know that you are entering a time vortex back to the 1980s, when fashions were awesomely bitchin’ and everything was just a little more radically tubular than it is now. “Sorority Babes” starts off as a formulaic 80’s teen sex comedy which takes a left turn into a goofy C-grade horror story. It’s an extremely stupid but fun film with quite generous helpings of T&A. The version I saw on the USA Network must have been cut to hell in order for it to be aired on TV. There’s no significant gore, but plenty of full nudity.

     One of the more notable things about the movie is that it is packed to the brim with female icons of B-horror. The tough biker chick with a heart of gold is played by legend Linnea Quigley.  Scream queen Michelle Bauer is Lisa, a sorority pledge undergoing initiation. Taffy, the other pledge, is played by model, actress, and marine biologist - I kid you not - Brinke Stevens. I have tremendous respect for anyone with a range of accomplishments like hers!

Freud would have something to say about this.

    Trashmeister David DeCoteau has directed everything from gay porn to sappy children’s films in his prolific career, but one of his staples is cheesy horror with plenty of skin on display. In other films he has made an admirable attempt to be an equal-opportunity purveyor of sleaze by getting attractive members of both sexes to take off their clothes. In “Sorority Babes” it’s almost entirely the female body on display, but they are rather fetching bodies. I suspect this has something to do with the lasting appeal of this flick!

     The movie opens on three dorky college boys hanging around looking for something to do. Jimmie (Hal Havins) and Keith (John Stuart Wildman) hatch a scheme to spy on the Tri-Delta sorority initiation. They drag along their friend Calvin (Andras Jones). Calvin is watching DeCoteau’s movie "Creepozoids" (1987) during this scene.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

     At the “Felta Delta” house, queen bee Babs (Robin Stille) and her minions Frankie (Carla Baron) and Rhonda (Kathi O’Brecht) haze their sorority pledges. The two girls, Lisa and Taffy (Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens), are stripped to their undies and paddled over the back of a couch. Next they are sprayed all over with whipped cream, to the great delight of the boys watching from outside.

     The three stooges decide to sneak into the house to spy on the pledges showering off the mess. They get to see plenty of boobs and bush before they get caught. The creatively sadistic ringleader, Babs, has them over a barrel. Either they do what she says or she calls the cops and reports the three peeping-tom housebreakers.

Bowling Dicks, coming soon to CBS

     The pledges are forced to team up with the pervs to break into the bowling alley at the local mall. They must steal a trophy to prove they were there. What the pledges don’t know is that Babs’ father owns the mall, so she plans to watch the hijinks from the mall security control room and mess with the pledges. The mall security cameras have excellent audio pickups so she can listen, too. Whatever.

     While breaking in, Babs and her minions accidentally lock the mall janitor in a room without noticing. The foul-mouthed janitor is played by the ubiquitous George “Buck” Flower, under the name C.D. LaFleur. This is the same alias he adopted when he appeared in the first two “Ilsa” films. I can see Flowers distancing himself from the degenerate “Ilsa” series, but come on Buck, “Sorority Babes” was just a slightly naughty teen sex comedy with an evil muppet. Anyway, I think the janitor should have been the hero who saves the day and ends up with Linnea Quigley, because I have a soft spot for ol’ Buck and his grizzled charm.

You look like...

Linnea Quigley?!?

PREPARE YOUR FACE
FOR  MY SMOOCHIES!

     Inside the bowling alley the five intrepid burglars encounter someone else breaking into the cash register, the spandex-clad Spider (Linnea Quigley). There is some badly written, badly delivered ‘catty’ dialogue between the pledges and Spider. Calvin tries awkwardly hitting on Spider and she shuts him down repeatedly.

     The kids grab the biggest trophy but on their way out, it gets broken and releases light and mist. The trophy was prison to the wisecracking, wish-granting demon Uncle Impie (Michael Sonye, using the alias Dukey Flyswatter for some reason). He has a deep voice which sounds like a cross between a game-show host and a pimp, and is the furthest possible thing from scary. (Crank the ed. here. Dukey Flyswatter was in "Hollwood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) and was one of the titular villains in "Surf Nazis Must Die" (1987). He also had a band called Haunted Garage.)

Move over Cat's Eye troll, here comes Uncle Impie!

     Impie offers everyone a single wish. Spider and Calvin warn the others about possible consequences and their general mistrust of Uncle Impie, but the others decide to make their simple-minded dreams come true. Jimmie wishes for gold and a bunch of gold ingots appear. Taffy wishes to be prom queen and gets an instant Cinderella makeover. Keith wishes to bone Lisa, and they depart for a locker room to have a little privacy.

     The Imp forces Babs into the game by turning her minions into his minions. Frankie changes into the Bride of Frankenstein, while Rhonda develops a severe case of slimy green monster-face. When Babs tries to flee the mall she is zapped by a magical barrier and knocked unconscious.

Don't be so negative, Rhonda.

     Around now the wishes start turning bad. The gold is painted wood and the prom dress is rags. Then Monsterface and the Bride suddenly attack. Jimmie gets his face worked over in a ball cleaner, then he gets decapitated and Monsterface goes bowling with his head.

     Spider and Calvin barricade themselves in a storage room but are found by Monsterface. Luckily, some careless employee has left a handgun and a couple of bullets laying around. What the fuck…? Spider shoots Monsterface, which only stops her temporarily.

Bitch, don't test me. I will swallow your soul.

     Prom Queen Taffy is terrorized by the Bride. When Taffy takes a club to her crazed pursuer it just slows down the magic-fueled monster. Taffy ends up getting caught between both evil minions, who have a “Taffy pull”… har har, get it? She is pulled in two off-camera while being used as the rope in their tug-of-war.

     Keith and Lisa are still making out, but she is being way too aggressive and he is having second thoughts about the ethics of mind-controlling another person into having sex with him. Keith leaves her there so he can have a moment to think, only to get his face deep-fried in the kitchen by Monsterface.

Extreme ambush makeover!

     Babs is hiding behind the lanes in the bowling alley when she is cornered by the Imp. He explains that his purpose is to torment human beings. Monsterface shows up for a tussle, and ends up falling down on one of the lanes, where she is bowled to death by Spider! How the hell do you score that?

     The janitor eventually escapes the closet. He meets up with the other survivors and fills in the backstory. The imp was summoned decades before to help a guy who was a wiz at black magic but not so hot when it came to his bowling scores. When Impie started killing people, it was trapped inside the bowling trophy. Sure, good enough explanation for me.

No! Wire! Hangers!

Nothing a little foundation

and some blush can't fix.

   












     Babs the Dominatrix finds Lisa alone, in her lingerie, and she pulls out a whip and a giant black paddle. She kills Lisa with the paddle off-screen. Spider is elsewhere making Molotov cocktails when Babs attacks her. They get into a major cat-fight before the evil dominatrix gets Molotoved. The janitor is stabbed to death in his hideout by the Bride. Then the evil minion chases Spider and Calvin with an axe, but is herself decapitated. The Bride's head strikes the door of the mall and Impie's magic cancels itself out, giving them an exit. Spider sends Calvin to get his car, but Monsterface is in the back seat, still kicking after all. They crash and the car flips. 

     Meanwhile Spider sneaks up and catches the imp in a tobacco tin, ending his brief reign of terror. Total body count: 8. They leave the tin with the imp in it sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bowling alley, which seems pretty fucking irresponsible. Maybe they were hoping for a sequel. Calvin crawls out of the wreck more or less unhurt and rides away with Spider on the back of her bike. She is taking him back to her place to have wild steamy sticky pity sex. Talk about a happy ending for Calvin!

I'm SO sure.

Horror heroine uses yonic weapon to deal with the
domineering masculinity of the villain, symbolically
enfolding him in her womb and taking away his power,
proving this is actually a highly intellectual feminist film.

Invasion Of The Blood Farmers

"Invasion Of The Blood Farmers" (1972) 

Directed by Ed Adlum

Written by Ed Adlum

Starring: Norman Kelley, Tanna Hunter, Bruce Detrick

Review by "Machine Gun" Kristin 

This particular version of "Invasion Of The Blood Farmers" I watched I had a less than appealing opening featuring director Fred Olen Ray. It was more or less a montage of him pulling objects from various women's breasts, etc to the point of tedium. *Barf*. Sorry Fred. :(

Sorry guys, no hash browns in this house

"Invasion Of The Blood Farmers" opening sequence consisted of a blood colored cloud, that could easily be mistaken for an outtake from "Innerspace" (1989) if it was directed by Cash Flagg/Ray Dennis Steckler. This movie has the makings to be fodder for "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (if it already hasn't been) but also it's very likable on it's own. It's about a race of druids (or also called Sangroids here) looking for blood sacrifices to save their Queen. The voiceover (which is actually director, Ed Adlum) in the first scene talks about Stonehenge and a mistletoe being the kiss of death (?). Yeah, I didn't get it either. I apologize for getting too hammy around here, but I can't help but think of Spinal Tap with all this talk of Stonehenge and Druids. That's probably showing my lack of historical knowledge where I can only make pop culture related references. haha. (That's all the references we know around here, .Crank the ed.)

"coming to a blood clot near you!" 

According to IMDB, most of the cast members worked on this film in exchange for beer. haha. "Farmers" while very low budget, has decent pacing and a homegrown kinda sweetness to it. It's a rough film with klunky but charming acting performances. The first character we see is named Jim Carrey which unfortunately purports the uncontrollable urge to crack jokes at the film. "hey, I know two things they have in common; one's dead and the other's career is dead". *zing!* Sorry Jim. Later, we even have a character named Egon, so let the "Ghostbusters" references commence!

"More booze!"

As I mentioned earier, Ed Adlum directed this, but actually got his start playing guitar on some fantastic records in 1961 as part of The Castle Kings. He also wrote for Cashbox and Creem magazine a few years later. Make sure add "You Can Get Him Frankenstein" by Castle Kings to your Halloween music playlist.

He also makes a cameo in "Farmers" as newly wed, Milton who decides to shower before having sex with his now wife. He'll probably regret that!

"there's a TV here! I told you this was a first class motel!" 

Our main characters are engaged couple Don and Jenny. Her dad is a scientist studying Jim Carrey's blood (which resembles 123 Jello) after he's found dead. Jenny's voice reminded me so much of Donna Dasher/Mary Vivian Pierce from "Female Trouble". I thought she'd ask for an "extremely large glass of ice water" at any second. hehe.

"damn these stubborn blood stains!"  

The Sangroids are disguised as farmers who stick out like a sore thumb in their overall and straw hat combo, yeee-haw. They're hunting for blood around a small New York town, killing many and using tubing to drain blood viciously from their victims. A particularly grim scene is when they kill and drain the blood from Jenny's big fluffy dog Buster. Then later, they proceed to hang the poor thing outside her house, fleeing after a vigorous door bell ringing.

"c'mon, I just wanna give ya a hug!"

The motivation of all this seemingly senseless killing and draining of one's blood, is to save the Queen of the Sangroids. The wildly effeminate lord of them (who's the spitting image of the maître d in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"), hangs by her side while she lays in a clear casket.

"this'll be a HOOT!"

There's a lot of blood and gore in this movie, which has surprisingly garnered a PG rating. I'm not sure if that's a modern rating because I thought that it was GP in the early 1970s. It may have made the cut off because it was in 1972 when GP changed to PG. As usual, violence is okay, but sex is apparently way more offensive.

"I'll have a Bloody Mary" *zoinks!*

"this poster paint is refreshing" 

With "Farmers", you of course have your usual continuity problems, such as sudden night and day changes in the lighting and a ridiculous amount of phone calls made during the film. Even so despite it's many flaws, I liked the movie. It reminded me a little bit of a tamer H.G. Lewis' "2,000 Maniacs", which I haven't seen in awhile. "It's a bicentennial celebration, YEE-HAW!".

And now, I present, the greatest phone call ever filmed!

There's gotta be a fly buzzing around the room or something. 

TRAILER: 

Watch "Invasion Of The Blood Farmers"

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Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies Directed By Krishna Shah, Starring "The Usual Gang of Idiots" (1985).

Perhaps you fancy yourself a metal movie maniac and think you've seen it all. Maybe you've read the book Heavy Metal Movies by Mike "McBeardo" Mcpadden and consider yourself a scholar in metallurgy or metalology. There are all kinds of rad heavy metal films out there, you've got the so shitty, they're good ones like Rock n Roll Nightmare and Zombie Nightmare (starring Thor)! And the barely watchable ones like Terror on Tour, Slaughterhouse Rock, Rocktober Blood and even higher grade trash like Trick or Treat (with Ozzy and Gene Simmons as a dumbass Wolfman Jack impersonator named Nuke). So what's left at the bottom of the Showbiz Pizza ballpit, but Hard Rock Zombies, which according to Chas is the Plan 9 or zombiedom! 

   John Carl Buechler completists should have this on their bucket list as well because he was the Assistant Director and chipped in a few special effects here and there. Plus it's got all the Charles Band kind of garbage any self respecting gore hound should run away from in terror! 

   I recently watched this over at Sharky's (Hollywood High's #1 fan) pad and maybe it was the booze, the Chex mix or the double feature pairing with Shock 'Em Dead; but I didn't want to immediately slit my wrists like I imagined I would and even stayed awake throughout the entire film! 

I'm warning you though, this is a special case, so act accordingly when you view Hard Rock Zombies (you'll notice it's not called Heavy Metal Zombies--that should scare you already)! Watch this sufficiently baked, drunk out of your mind or dump 1000 cups over your head or you'll never make it out alive!

Not Enough Beer!

   We start off in the desert with a blonde skinny dipper, who kills two of the wimpiest kids on the road as midgets in tuxedos frolic with delight across the pond. She hacks off an arm and does a Beatles joke and we're off!!

Coke party at Jeff Dunham's house!

   At this point in time, I must stress that we've got at least an hour and 20 minutes left, so start boozin' early!

   Then we're thrust face first into a concert where a dude with hockey hair and a peach fuzz mustache plays what I can only describe as "New Wave Bob Seeger". Their solo guitarist holds a rose in his teeth (reminding me of another awesome metal movie Black Roses with rocking Howard the Duck looking demons). The room tone is extremely loud for some reason and when you hear the rocknroll, it sounds like its blaring from a busted transistor radio. A droopy eyed girl with french fried hair named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) shows up in a sea of groupies and warns them not to go to their next gig. Later on she becomes the object of Jessie (E.J. Curse) the lead singer's affections; He's 40, she looks like she's 12 and you thought Winger's "She's Only 17 was scandalous!"  

Ride away on my back, I'm a pedophile unicorn!

   The country bumpkin locations remind me a little bit of Please Don't Eat The Babies (man I thought I blocked that one out of my mind forever)! 

   They pick up the same blonde from the beginning out hitchhiking and she leads them into a trap. Oh yeah and her mother is a werewolf, howling up in the attic. She makes more "hilariously unfunny" hand jokes and the band ditches them to act like The Monkees. They spray beer at people over at a Bank of America line, bust out a giant cardboard cut out of themselves and do some mime-- I mean these guys know how to party!

Peter Frampton in Kiss makeup

   It turns out the midgets aren't just regular little people, but the inbred offspring of an elderly Adolf Hitler (in a Rip Taylor wig no less, perfect disguise if you ask me). This was the true story of the Ratt "Round and Round" video, it turns out Hitler's master race plan was to have butlers and sexy rodent hybrid girls painted silver look like new wave dicks and rock out with Milton Berle!     

Ratt and Roll, more like Reich N Roll

    Jessie (played by E.J. Curse), the leader of the miscellaneous band (they don't bother to mention their name) starts to fall in love with Cassie, who's criminally underage. I'm guessing she's the Tory Spelling of this film and got the job because her father is the producer or something.     

   They try to play a song for the Nazis in their courtyard that sounds like fake "Hysteria" era Def Lepard and wind up getting electrocuted. 

Working on a SEX FARM! 

   The repressed authority has a council meeting to try and stop the band from playing and giggle a lot about various types of sex that's are forbidden in town. Hard rock Zombies has got some real gusto, I mean they even decide to throw in a reverse Psycho shower scene, where one of the males in the band is stabbed by a woman. I've noticed a pattern with terrible directors who think they're doing us a favor by tossing in an Alfred Hitchcock homage, just stop right now! Birdemic is another wretched example I can think of.

Do I hear Hitchcock spinning in his grave again?

   Cassie plays a shitty song over the bands gravesite (they are all buried in about 3 inches of dirt, right next to each other). The beat makes the dead band pop out of the ground and march around like Thriller extras. 

Why the hell is Hitler so chipper?

   I think Jack Bliesener, is not an actor at all, but a genuine Hitler impersonator, because he's uncomfortably gleeful in his role and wears out the welcome mat really fast. The contrast between Holocaust humor and unfunny comedy is very unsettling--I also have to mention that I'm watching this again sober! The zombies strut around like undead mimes and start killing all the Nazis that murdered them. They play this awful fake Peter Gabriel song during the montage of them slaughtering their killers. 

Not a Kids in the Hall sketch

   A scuzzy promoter who looks like Dennis Miller or Rich Hall shows up to watch them play that Hysteria "Ode to Cassie" song on stage. Now here's a relationship too forbidden-- I mean he's a walking worm feast in his 40's who should be arrested for statutory.

  After awhile, I know it's hard to believe, but they run out of script and it turns into a wacky comedy, complete with Benny Hill music and too many severed head gags!

Man, I love Der Wienerschnitzel!

   One Nazi dwarf sits at a table and eats himself to death in different meal courses. Phil Fondacaro, the famous dwarf actor from Troll and Willow tries to eat a giant cow, I mean these are some cheap gags folks! The promoter freaks out over the zombie band and has a "Back to the Future" Chuck Berry's cousin moment.

I CAME UP WITH THE BEST SNIGLET EVER!

   I know its crazy to apply logic to this film, but that's my job here over at the TOG headquarters. I wonder why they keep the blonde who helped kill the band in the first place around and don't kill her. If anything she's more crucial to the plot then killing Hitler, they even encourage her to dance on stage!

   Toward the end, it gets so dark that it looks like they sent the lighting guy home! This movie is even worse the second time! I like how they took the slogan from Return of the Living Dead and paraphrased it to the effect of "They came back from the grave to misbehave"! Your patience may just completely run out as you watch this film and degenerate into a puddle of goop. 

ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES EVER! MAKE SURE YOU ARE SMASHED BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION BEFORE WATCHING! 

WATCH HERE IF MUST

I came back from the grave to get some RC Cola!

Groupies!

Nothing scarier then an elderly dog with a switchblade

    

Because of the Cats

BECAUSE OF THE CATS ( Brutalization, THE RAPE) Directed By Fons Rademakers, Starring  (1973)

Skunkape and I rented some random big box video and a trailer for this particular film came on, in a drunken stupor, we both jumped up and said what the fuck is that, I must watch it!

Maybe it was the stupid title that distracted our attention, we're more Laura Gemser and less Sylvia Krystal fans. From the trailer I couldn't tell what kind of film I was in store for and I sort of forgot about it for a long time.

   Well, thanks to someone on Youtube, I'm able to finally watch this Mod sex / Clockwork Orange clone. Everything about it is naughty "After Dark eurotrash" and it was filmed in The Netherlands. 

   An ear slapping rock number joyfully blares on the soundtrack, it goes "Everybodies feeling, everybody's dealin', cuz tonight's gonna be the night"! The title track which sounds a lot like The Sweet, doesn't really set the mood at all, because it's clunky and way too excited about what depravity is about to unfold. The song is even on a NEDERGLAM compilation, which is a musical subgenre that's totally alien to me. I'd prefer to listen to a 60's dutch beat compilation with The Outsiders than peppy glam bubblegum. 

   Apparently tonight is the night for rape and vicious assault, perpetuated by a gang of creeps who resemble The Mentors (or The Rip Offs) if they dressed for a fancy prime rib dinner.

Oh, Why did I call The White Buns Busters?!!

   Bob the slob's very sexy wife is gangbanged by all the blokes, it's handled in an erotic way, unlike the uncompromising ghastly way the rape is shown with Alex and his Droogs-- nothing can top that stomach turning display.  

   We see the street thugs later in jeans and t-shirts target practicing on cans of Stella Artois (fucking snobs)! 

Lager for Twats Only!

   The story settles into a subplot about a British vice cop named Van der Valk played by Bryan Marshal (BMX Bandits, The Punisher), who we get the unfortunate treat of seeing his wedding tackle, as he cavorts with a blonde prostitute. 

YAWN! I'm so bored

   There's a fascinating scene in an "Ice Cream Disco" with kids playing pinball, it turns out to be the gang's hideout, they have a pet raven that says "Squawk, Look out it's a cop"! This is where the detective puts all the pieces together on who the thug rapists are. Most of them turn out to be blue blood twerps (the hoity toity beer can target scene should've been the red flag, that these masked dudes are rich and love to smash things). None of these Dutch dudes have any presence and the set at times, kind of looks like 60's Batman. Even when it gets slightly tedious, the production design makes it bearable. 

They don't call us "Rape-Rock" for Nuthin'

   The cop starts illegally questioning various kids about "The Cats" and the rape of a 40 yr old woman, it's sort of odd that he would risk his job in order to take down an entire gang because of this assault, but that's the premise here. I've never read the novel but it seems that in swinging London (or The Netherlands) adults were threatened by this new breed of mod hooligans. They slightly had reason to worry because eventually Mods would become either Skinheads or leave the scene all together, forced out by nationalist politics.  

   The jazzy incidental music in CATS sounds like an intermission time snack bar jingle, it's abnormally square for a 70's film. The Ice cream disco manager is a lurid Nedercreep who dresses all in beige, once he gets wise that gang members have begun to squeal, bad shit starts to go down, like a poor mutilated cat who gets disemboweled.

insert Austin Powers joke here

   It's difficult for me to side with the policeman, because in the "Charles Bronson fantasy scenario" the punks are there to rape and kill without remorse and the old codger exterminates them, but he's usually involved on a personal level, psychotic and has a grippe against these kids. The cop in this film is jealous of the youth and should just let it go, he stirs up too much trouble for one single rape. We hardly even see what the victimized couple from the beginning are up to, who he goes completely out of his way to protect, making it his "generation gap vendetta" against The Cats, which is kind of stupid! 

   Silvia Krystal finally shows up as one of the girls who swims naked and drowns one of the gang members, who had just received scuba gear for his birthday.    

 This film doesn't have the brain power of a Clockwork Orange, so they hurl whatever political ideology the gang has into a ridiculous kung-fu training montage. They even sacrifice another cat! 

 The momentum is a total drag, but there's enough eye candy and strangeness to keep it mildly entertaining. 

I'd give it 2 STARS ON THE CULT-O-METER, nothing special. 

WATCH HERE

OK turn to the left, here are your driver's licenses

INAGADAADD-DA-VID-A BABBAAAYYYY