Savage Weekend

Savage Weekend Directed By David Paulsen, Starring William Sanderson (1979).

Forget 30° of Kevin Bacon, this trivia question waiting to happen is something on the nerd level of what scuzzy 70’s flick has David Gale from Re-Animator and William Sanderson from Newhart and Fight for Your Life. That's right, this piece of trash.  Right over the credits we hear banjo music and a chainsaw heating up for some action. William “JF Sebastian” Sanderson is the thrift store Leatherface of this feature. This is the kind of movie where you're not sure if you had a nightmare about it or it actually happened but it's been sitting on the burner for at least five years and was gnawing at my subconscious so I just had to review it right now. It's got Caitlin O’ Heaney who I remember as the sexy teacher from Three O' Clock High in Oshkosh baa gosh if that doesn't get your motor running then just turn it off right now! Everything has that smothered in Vaseline light quality and it all just screams underground movie never to be seen for public consumption.

check out this cool maxi-pad from Hot Topic!

There’s this Tab Hunter type guy played by Christopher Allport. This actor was in one of my favorite fucked up movies Brain Wash and also Dead and Buried. His character is very flamboyant and comes on to Bud Light swilling rednecks, I mean he's just asking for trouble. This is supposed to be filmed in the backwoods but everything about it says Canada.

I could totally see Vinegar Syndrome putting this out on Blu-ray, it has that typical cruddy film stock that they love to remaster. There is a Kentucky fried movie level of boom mic prowess, I mean I expect at any minute to lower down and drink a glass of water.

or shave your face!

Sanderson was typecast in a lot of country hillbilly bullshit before he landed the gig in the famous Ridley Scott film. Really though, how do you top a movie as fucked up as Fight For Your Life, you’d think it’d be all downhill after that. Sanderson delved in mainstream fair like Coal Miners Daughter in the mid 70s as well.

Uh Oh I pooped again!

David Gale has one of those Marty Robbins handlebar mustaches and is pretty unlikeable.

I'm surprised I didn't review this sooner, it has a Mansion of the Doomed or Messiah of Evil quality that I dig. It's definitely way more captivating then say Pigs (which is available on Blu-ray).

I'm gonna peel you like a large orange.

The boom mic is shown so much here that it's almost another character. The boom operator must have a limp wrist like Lamar, forcing him to dip below the frame so much that he probably could've used a Revenge of the Nerds style floppy javelin instead of a straight pole to handle the microphone.

artists representation of Boom operator.

Chas Balun mentioned how this was the first movie with the masked Jason type killer. Big deal!

There's a lot of scenes where William Sanderson is just talking to himself right next to an Ed Wood style cardboard gravestone.

This version I watched on Betamax TV seems slightly edited maybe they're trying to cater to the whole summer blockbuster audience that doesn't exist anymore. Even with all the excized bits, I can't imagine enjoying this anymore, especially sober.

William Sanderson puts on the dime store mask and kind of lurks in the corners. The writing is non-existent and I have no idea what’s going on or what the point the film has.

Nobody is going to say that this was the precursor to Friday the 13th or some bullshit like that but I guess it's slightly relevant.

It's definitely kinky in the sex department which is kind of abrupt and I can't say it's a good film. I definitely can't recommend it, but it's an oddity nonetheless. The director also made the way better Schizoid with Klaus Kinski for Cannon, they also later distributed Savage and Paulsen worked primarily in TV on Dallas of all things.

I just discovered while writing this that Kino Lorber actually did put this out restored on Blu-ray with new interviews, excited? Not me! It's also available to stream on the Night Flight app.

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

Voices From Beyond

Voices From Beyond Directed By Lucio Fulci, Starring Karina Huff (1991).

Maybe you heard that Fulci made a kids movie about a lovable wolf dog named White Fang with Franco Nero and wanted to check it out. Well, if you like extreme gore and sexual violence try this made for TV romp instead! It begins with an old dude named Giorgio (Duilio Del Prete) in the middle of boning his lady friend while an annoying moppet rudely interrupts. He grabs a knife and goes to silence the kid. It gets pretty ugly as he stabs the shit outta him. Amazon Prime bought a bunch of Code Red flicks that are currently streaming. So don’t sleep on it, because they may all be gone soon. CR is one of those elusive companies that I've bitched about in the past, they promise all these exploitative gems bursting with extras (like the Human Experiments one that had Vincent Gallo interviewing Lynda Haynes that may not even exist) and they all fetch for high ass prices on Ebay and are either in the hands of a select few or impossible to find.

Shut up about Vincent Gallo, I'm gonna retch!

Lucio Fulci wrote the script as well, which is rare for him. The lighting is very soft on a tele novella style and Stelvio Cipriani really phones in a terrible score which is a tragedy because he’s one of the best soundtrack guys.

We get lots of the normal eye zooms and weird looking people which is patented Fulci trait. During a nasty abdominal incision performed by the director himself, they don’t even bother to shave his belly, it’s pretty vile!

OK so this is where the mangina will go.

We do in deed hear the "voices from beyond" as advertised. There’s a lot of Italian dudes in weird oversized dykey glasses. Rosy (Karina Huff) a frumpy but mildly attractive girl comes home to find all these bitches hated her dad (the guy in the beginning who stabs the kid). We see the currently dead Giorgio’s past encounters and we get to meet the performers this way. Even after death he doesn’t stop quawking. Blab Blab blab, at one point he continues to talk even after worms are munching on the cartilage of his face!

JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!

Rosey looks like an extra from Full House and she keeps having nightmares of him chasing her. Man what happened to Fulci? I think it has a lot to do with him separating from his best screen writer Dardano Sachetti. At the time, Sachetti was writing for Fabrizio De Angelis and working on a few TV shows like The Return of Ribot (whatever that was). You’d have to put up with a lot of dopeyness to like this one it’s pretty retarded.

Am I stylin' or what?

There’s an old dude they refer to as a mummy that actor was in the Van Damme Rodman flick Double Team and Cannibal Holocaust, impressed? We get some Jess Franco looking zombies in a dream sequence, man how low has Fulci sunk to rely on shitty zombies? This is almost depressing. Rosy shows off her weird boobs, so stick around for that or maybe just take a nap and set an alarm. Oh and there’s a bunch of talking eyeballs that squirt blood! Keep in mind these are nightmares and possibly a record for dream sequences. The film was dedicated to Clive Barker. If you want to simultaneously be depressed and amused than dial this flick up on instant. More Code Red goodies are available so check them out before they disappear again or don't see if I care!

I taught Rodman everything about North Korea

Do my boobs look that weird?

Ilsa Tigress of Siberia

Ilsa Tigress Of Siberia, directed by Jean LaFluer, Starring Dyanne Thorne (1977).

This very Canadian entry in a series of ghastly titillation and Nazisploitation smackers involves real authentic Bitch of Buchenwald Ilse Koch, played by the icy cold busty babe Dyanne Thorne for the third time. No one else could pull off this role but this isn't the first time Koch has been immortalized in cinema. The same year Dave Friedman who was inspired by Lee Frost's Love Camp 7 to use the set of Hogan's Heroes for the unsavory purposes of this production, a Lina Wertmuller arthouse classic came out called Seven Beauties. In that film, Shirley Stoler (who looks very much like the actual Koch) aims to murder main character Pasqualino (Giancarlo Giannini) if he doesn't satisfy her sexual needs. I highly recommend this film, which I saw in my Humanities class at City College of San Francisco.

Der Weinerschnitzel, yes I'd like to order that Descendents happy meal.

This entry is just as unpleasantly repulsive as the first two, but slightly less camp this time around. You don’t need to watch them all in succession to figure out what’s happening and thankfully they aren’t as frustrating and non linear as say, the Back to the Future series.

Zemeckis tried to warn us of the Trump presidency, why didn't we listen?

The racist aspect mostly fizzled out with each sequel, so you could sort of enjoy the busty Russ Meyer babes with a clear conscience. This is the Nazisploitation genre where it’s guaranteed to cause emotional trauma unless you are a Trump-kin or a racist piece of shit 4Chan homophobe and if that’s the case go fuck yourself.

The Eurotrash look of the film is appealing to me and reminds me of those weird Swedish Pippi Longstocking dubbed movies I used to rent during the same time period as when I used to go over to my friend John’s house and secretly watch Hotdog the Movie and Zombie.

The snowy locations give it a air of a Christmassy feel and Ilsa looks just as foxy as ever in that star hat and Wampa skin fur coat. Just in the first 5 minutes we get a smushed in cherry red skull cavity, cracked open by a giant cartoony hammer. I can't imagine anyone hasn't seen all of these in order, but for those who haven't--tuck in, it gets pretty gruesome.

This reminds me of that song by Warrant.

The whole gulag is set up like a Looney Tunes cartoon with man eating tigers and chainsaw arm battles. Ilsa parties with her cossack dudes who all lust after her of course. She does a clumsy dance to Russian bear music that’s part Fonzie part Elaine from Seinfeld complete with thumbs and kicks. Then she has a yucky threesome with two beardos who look like Hugo Stiglitz stunt doubles, they play a library track from Dawn of the Dead during the porkin'. I can just see the Hari Krishna zombie peer out from over the corner.

I'M SOOO OVER THIS!

Hitler is yesterday’s news and the new fascist pin up is Stalin. They torture enough Russians to compete with the Japanese medical camp team from Men Behind the Sun. Every other dude looks like Yakov Smirnov and talks like Balki from Perfect Strangers, but they all worship Ilsa. Man, all of a sudden the ego stroking of a fascist maniacal bitch is reminding me of a needy Orange diaper KKKlown—thanks a lot movie!

Trump's peen looks more like a baby carrot than a gerkin--noted.

One dude with an Axe body spray type name has too much will against state oppression and is tempted sexually with Ilsa’s meat balloons, he becomes an important figure in the second act of the story. I like how a minute after the war is over, they torch everything, murder anyone in sight and move on. No one sticks around to see if the news was reported as hearsay or in jest.

Movie over, I think not!

We’ve got at least an hour to go.

1977 Montreal flashes across the screen I can just hear the Stompin' Tom music and taste the La Batt’s blue! The sleaziness barometer starts to increase as the lone gulag survivor, who’s been hiding out in Canada takes his two pals to a brothel. Looks like they went into the wrong whorehouse because guess who runs it?

in Canada a pearl necklace is not what you'd think.

They capture Andre and he doesn’t even say “excuse me, you can’t arrest me, talk to my lawyer”. Apparently he’s better at withstanding abuse than picking up the phone and dialing a cheap attorney.

This grimy Italian dude that Thorne’s character swindled out of his hooker biz mentions Pompano Beach, which is where I grew up!

check out the fun bags on this hose hound.

There’s more of a Russian mafia aspect to get rid of enemies than shock troopers coming in and butchering people. The methods are just as gruesome however. When I first got wind of this series I was totally appalled, that it until I watched all of them and there's more humor, albeit super dark in tone but they're more entertaining on a campy level than you'd think.

In Tigress they use the loud heart thumps from LHODES and even that same library track from Galaxina as the lone survivor from the start of the movie envisions his worst nightmare. His torture fantasy shows Ilsa as a demented version of a cast member of CATS gnawing his dick off.

The Willy Wonka on dabs plus LSD nightmare machine is pretty creative, it takes your worst fears and attacks your brain with them. Why does this computer exist, who knows but it’s pretty cool.

Oh Shit! it's a horny Phillis Diller in CATS makeup! 

The Russian embassy has a score to settle with “The Bitch” and they send over ninja assassins. One gunman who looks almost exactly like Don Steele (aka Rockin’ Ricky or Screaming Steve from Joe Dante’s cinematic cannon), gets impaled and it's pretty delightful.

This pacing on this one is pretty riveting and I highly recommend seeking it out. You can skip Wanda The Wicked Warden, unless you have a hard on for Jess Franco. 

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