In Too Deep

A dream of mine came true recently. It took a hard left turn into a bit of a nightmare, but, like, a funny one, where you wake up scared-- but laughing. 

A mistaken identity text exploited for japery!

The sender thinks they are texting someone else, and rather than telling them "wrong number," you just roll with it. You've seen instances of this online, they sometimes go viral because the recipient plays along or trolls the sender, and hilarity unfolds as things escalate. I always say, "dang I wish that would happen to me so I could mess with someone."

Because in my head, and despite never actually attempting it, I'm an improv genius, and the world is missing out on my star-shine because I'll never be camera-ready. 

With all this pre-existing desire to have a wrong-number text fall into my lap, I may have been over-primed and shot out of the gate too fast when it actually did.

Let's dive in. Here's the initial text:

if you already know where this is going, congrats on being smarter than me, and maybe we should get you some help.

Now, most of this was pure nonsense to me, but I didn't care. MY MOMENT HAD COME! And if my sender/target is a little less proficient at making the Englishes, it could be even more fun!

Since I was shooting blind with zero context of what this dude is talking about or who he (she?) thinks I am, I just went wide with it, employing the classic Righteous Wronged Lover/Friend ploy as my opening gambit.

I'm confident I have him off-balance right away.. He's thinking of every way he's ever wronged whoever he thinks I am. 

I am expecting a little more personal and specific intel when he replies. Is he an ex-lover? A bro turned enemy? A mild mannered co-worker that is spiraling now that I've come out guns blazing? 

Damn. My new friend is surprisingly emotionally healthy (unlike 80% of people I typically encounter) and apologizes immediately rather than escalating or striking back like I'd hoped. BUT he is accepting the fact that he does in fact have a lot of nerve contacting me--meaning there's been some drama in the past.  I'M AS GOOD AT THIS AS I HAD HOPED.

I'm concerned but still frosty. I care about him, at least, hurt though I may be. Trying to keep him on the line here. If his grandma died, or he was in a car accident, and that's why he wronged "me,"  I don't want to be so mean to him that he just cuts me off.

Ummmmm. Okay. Was NOT expecting that.

So what we know:

1. He screwed over someone, but 2. he didn't want to--there was an extenuating circumstance, and 3. the emergency ended well because he escaped from something/someone.

This is like guessing someone else's Mad-Lib answers. I am genuinely intrigued and want to know his life and story at this point.

He could 100% be reverse trolling me here, but I don't care. I'm eating out of his hand. And anyway, once I figure out what he escaped from, I can double cross him and return to my pranksmanship.

I'm wracking my brain though as I wait for a reply. What on earth is happening? Is the initial message he sent me the Rosetta Stone to figuring out the rest of this convo and our secret backstory?

I look at it again and drop out everything that is nonsense words to me and get a rough translation of  "super super a1 on deck and zans."

"really much/extra noun (probably) is on deck (aka on hand, coming up soon, ready, etc.), and also some plural nouns(?)" 

The lack of syntax should have been my first red flag. "Lean not on the words of he who useth not verbs" -(1 Keighticles 2:14)

But he replies!

Okay, on first glance this doesn't make sense either. But then one "word" jumps out. "Popo." As is Police, or policía, if youre Ben Stiller in Anchorman.

But policía are not people that I attempt to get away from. I'm now concerned that I am trying to be Bart Simpson and I have Tony Soprano on the other end of this little joke. I notice the texts aren't blue like they are when an iPhone texts, and all my Breaking Bad knowledge comes flooding back: he's texting me from a burner!!!

He elaborates and clarifies.

Someone tried to set him up with the police and he *thankfully* got away. Oh dear. None of this is how I imagined it. 

I decide to do what I should have done from the beginning (if I hadn't been so giddy to start my punk'd episode): Urban Dictionary the words I don't understand from the original text.

Urban dictionary has two types of entries: those that are so elementary or stupid that even a 3 year old doesn't need to be told what they mean, AND horrifying (surely fictional) sexual terms that turn any (and basically EVERY) normal word or phrase into something that--at 35 and rather acquainted with the rated-R aspects of modern life--I'm too young and innocent to be exposed to. If you can leave this website without cringing, you've got me beat.

First mystery term: a1

Aw, okay. That's kind of what I figured. So my friend is talking about something lovely or on point. Nothing to be afraid of there!

Buuuuuut then I scroll down to the next most popular entry

horrible word blurred by me, in an example sentence that is unintelligible.

Wellllll, now I've done it. He's writing me to tell me he has some very pure cocaine. I am not in need of riding the cocoa dragon: I can't even drink two freaking cups of coffee in one day without losing my mind and trying to make friends with strangers at the grocery store, can you imagine me on cocaine (no baking soda)? I’d for sure try to balloon boy one of my kids

 I almost don't even need to search "zans" because I have some solid context now for who this guy is and why he's texting "me."

Ah. Xanax. Yes. So I'm guessing this fellow isn't a pharmacist, because though cocaine was prescribed back in the day for your dropsy, swooning spells, and overexertion in the gold rush of 1848, I don't believe its pharmaceutical heyday ever overlapped with that of Xanax. THIS IS NOT COVERED BY MY HEALTHCARE PROVIDER!

It's a drug dealer. I'm trolling a drug dealer. I regret everything and I want out. 

I immediately google my cell phone number to see if it's in any way associated with my physical address, name or children's schools (mama don't need no Man on Fire Dakota Fanning drama). It's not. Shwew.

I have not responded since then. I couldn't sit still for like 3 hours after this adrenaline spike (like I'd gotten ahold of some super super A1, amirite?). 

Ironically, I never thought I needed Xanax until this little episode! 

I think I'll talk to my doctor about it instead of my texting buddy, though.

Halloween 2016: Put Up Your Dunes

I have been SITTING on this drop-dead-slay-worthy piece of comedy for OVER TEN MONTHS. It took everything I had in January not to run immediately to the computer and share it.

I knew, I JUST KNEW, if I could wait until after Halloween, it would be so so worth the wait to reveal it all together.

What follows is the funniest recording I've ever spontaneously caught, combined with our yearly DIY family Halloween costume, sprinkled with every self-esteem issue I've ever had, rolled up with what it often feels like to be a mom.

Before anything, you must--MUST watch this short clip that explains where it all began. I beg of you not to skip ahead...it's so worth it. --Also because I spent an embarrassing amount of time making the video on my phone to go along with the audio and it's delightfully ghetto:

It came RIGHT to her, and Judah immediately agreed: no one had any issues with this match up!

And with that, the Dukes Family proudly presents our 2016 Halloween Offering: 

Aladdin Fam:

Starring: Jesse as Jafar; Noa as Abu; Layla as Jasmine; Judah as Aladdin; Keight as that buxom obese creepy lady who is on screen for 2 seconds objectifying the protagonist.

Could we have gone the Genie/Sultan/Carpet route? YES! In fact, Jesse was only chosen as Jafar out of all of these options only because I found a black robe at the thrift store before any of those other characters' prop (and it turned out great because I'd actually forgotten what the kids had originally assigned him in the recording). And it would have been way more iconic and recognizable for me to do one of them instead of "the rather tasty lady", but I simply could NOT give up this chance that the kids had scripted for me.

It crazy to me how well they nailed a theme too. They just did so well picking out costumes that fit each kid and what character they would like and would be cute on them. PLUS something cool for daddy and then something leftover and horribly embarrassing for mommy. JUST LIKE EVERY YEAR.

I was kind of feeling like a slacker for doing a Disney princess theme (including her non DIY outfit) but now I think this may be my favorite year ever because it's so bananas and just so us.

Street Rat surprisingly LOVED his costume. He's usually the least game of all of us.

Lounging with Raja on her terrace dreaming of a life of freedom (crying eyes because her ear piercing had closed up a teeny bit and I poked the earring through). 

Sticking together on the mean streets of Agrabah.  Noa also put up ZERO fight about the face-encompassing costume. and ADORED everything about Halloween (saying "TICKOTEE" and "gank goo" repeatedly being her favorite activities). 

This was extremely fun. He has on SO much eyeliner. We ran out of time or we would've added the twirly beard and snake staff.  I still think he pulls it off, and then some.

Go ahead and pencil this one in for "Senior Yearbook ad" and "rehearsal dinner"

AKA:

I can show you my fist

Punch you over and over

let me tell you princess, if this gets out at school 

I'll make you paaaaaay!

A whole new world!

Urchin Squad

Things are unravelling fast now, Boy!

Sending your flea-ridden pet to do your dirty work!?

 Your sorcery will never win her, Jafar! She doesn't love you!

The greatest love story never told. Cant wait to spend 10,000 years crammed  into a lamp with this guy.

Until next year, tasty ones!

Past Halloween FamJams:

2009: Sushi Fam

2010 : Volley Fam

2011: Curious George fam

2012: Wall-E Ween

2013: Dora Fam

2014: The Walking Dukes

2015: Guardi-uke of the Galaxy

a few pre-kids group hits ("Clue" and britney/k-fed)

About That 3rd Baby...

I was looking back at a post from years ago because I needed to find an old photo of Layla, and read a few little snippets from her baby-hood. I was shocked because I had written about phases, quirks and stories  of Layla the Baby that I have since completely forgotten. This was depressing because I have been terrible about blogging during Noa's life (I'm excellent about Instagramming though! Partial credit?), and am now wondering what phases of hers I have already forgotten and aren't even on the record for posterity.

So here is a post all about Noa, and her first 15 months.

Baby's first August.

Noa can whistle. Like legit whistle. She unintentionally holds her lips in the exact right position (that older children try SO hard to pull off) so that her normal breathing creates a 2 second whistle tone. I first noticed it during her crawling phase (around 7 months) when I was home alone with her and kept hearing whistling. This is alarming when it's just you and a baby in the house. She hadn't been doing it so much lately, but it definitely belongs in the annals of her weird.

Noa was the EASIEST infant of all time. She would do cardio smiling most of the day, and when she got tired from that, she would whine a little bit. We learned that this first whine meant that she wanted to be taken to bed immediately with no other to-do. We put her face down, and she would do a move we called "shrink-wrapping" where she would just short of condense in on herself, snuggling her blanket closer, and drawing all her limbs into a little ball. No crying, no looking back, just shrink wrap it, and nap it.

Lighting up a room is tiring...better go straight to sleep.

That said, she has become the worst sleeping toddler of all our kids. This is 100% our fault as we havent tried even a bit to sleep train her, and since I let her nurse around the clock when we were breastfeeding (which went away after her 13th month and she doesn't even care!...meanwhile I am mourning.). She wakes up 1 or 2 times after going to bed every night. She doesn't want anything in particular--though we sometimes give a bottle (bottles forever, because she's a BABY!). We are, um, in process on that one. Since she and Layla share a room (Noa is in the walk-in closet), crying it out isn't really the same game as it would be if she was alone (though Layla can sleep through a LOT). This storyline is TBD.

we are now paying for the11 pm nursing/snuggle sessions that I allowed. WORTH IT TIMES INFINITY

Noa has the most sophisticated palate of any baby I know. When she was about 8-9 months old and had barely started solids, she seemed interested in Jesse's sea bass risotto one day. Her let her try some and ended up with legit stingy thoughts about how significantly much of his meal she ended up eating/taking from him. She gets incredibly bored with simple foods like yogurt or cheerios, and needs at least one adventurous meal a day. She will snub applesauce and slam farro and soybean salad. The big kids cannot believe she won't join their "team" of picky eaters and are disgusted when they see her downing sundried tomato couscous.

Baby is a fiend for kale smoothies. Check out that leg pudge glory.

Naturally after eating comes the poop. Like Layla, Noa thinks it's the height of coolness to poop in a brand new diaper. She also poops tiny pellets (and no, shes not dehydrated and she gets plenty of fiber) that look like little nothing-balls, but smell wretched. She's creating like poop's equivalent of bullion cubes. Such concentrated "flavor" in a tiny package.  She also is the quickest draw in the west at reaching down during a diaper change and grabbing the open tab of the dirty diaper and whipping it out from under her--sending poop pellets scurrying about. Even when you are ready for this move, you cannot prevent it.

Dolls upon dolls.

Noa is a safety enthusiast. We knew we wouldn't do a baby gate on our stairs, so from the time she could climb them, we started teaching her how to safely go down. Same for disembarking from couches and beds: get on your tummy and scoot back down until your feet hit something solid. She took to this rapidly, and may be guilty of overusing it. if we are walking and there is the slightest downhill slope she turns around, lies on her belly and tries to backward scoot "down" it (even if it is just a 4-inch difference in sea level over 3 linear feet). Any change in altitude =  belly scoot.

She has begun to loathe her carseat and car rides longer than 10 minutes. This is brand new for us as we have only had kids who were great car riders (including her!) up til now. But we have also never kept a kid backward-facing past a year (b/c Judah and Layla were around before that was like a fully real thing and, I dunno, we are terrible) so maybe it's developmental. Her current carseat is rated up to 30 lbs and she is currently only 22, so we have a long time to go still.  That is fine, but the weird thing is that when she is staying with her Grand Dukes, she LOVES the seat and will go crawl into it and immediately fall asleep. Does she do this anywhere else? No. 

So one night when she was 10 months old, we were hanging out with Jesse's parents after an early date night and Noa was sleepy. So Jesse got her "all set up" in her carseat in the bedroom. After an hour or so I asked him, "you totally buckled her in right?" because, I dunno, she was already walking at this point in life and those things are hard to balance a moving child on without restraint. He was like, "um, no, she passed right out though." I asked him to go check on her and buckle her just in case.

He walked in the bedroom and the carseat was empty.


So that's a bit startling for him. But there's no sign of her anywhere else either!


Then he sees this...

Nerd had gotten out of her seat, crawled under the bed--in the pitch dark, mind you--and fallen soundly asleep. Freaking wonderful!

She MAY have a temper. From being the easiest and sweetest little baby, she is now in the running to be the most rage-a-holic older baby in the family. She is just NOT about being told no. I think since she's our magic #3 princess who has always been pampered by everyone, it's kind of a rude awakening to be discovering that her will does not equal law any longer. At the first sign of noncompliance to her wishes, she gets MAD. A completely mad--not sad--baby is a wonder. Seeing her hulk-rage against who or whatever is holding her back is a sight. She can hissy jump her entire high chair across the room if we refuse to let her out of its bonds. If I am holding her while telling her she can't do/have something, she will PINCH ME. It should be interesting to see how this unfolds.

This was taken on an airplane after 2 hours in the air sweatily rage-wrestling each other for dominance. A one year old is the worst travel companion: all the motion and will, no dedicated seat or language skills.

Noa and I have a strong bond. I don't know if it's the longer breastfeeding, spending more days working from home, being more relaxed and a better mom on my third baby, or just her personality (I suspect its all of those combined), but she makes me feel like more of a mom than either of my other two did by this point. That sounds kinda harsh, but it's true. 

Tite-bond.

Because they stopped "needing" me for milk at 5-6 months, it was easy for Judah and Layla to bond elsewhere (re: Jesse) so I didn't get the full measure of that action. And being the broken, flawed person I am, when I feel unloved or un-pursued, I tend to pull back myself (I know this is nuts to do with a baby, but I only realized this in retrospect). I think that led to a bit of a gap in my mommy bond with those two until they were older. With Noa I have never doubted that I am her #1 source of attachment and security and have intentionally leaned in to her even when I don't feel that. She adores Jesse, but I finally feel like the "Oh, she just wants her mama!" thing is actually true, and it has been affirming (and sometimes annoying--Noa, let a lady pee!) to feel so secure in that position.  

Cant really blame anyone for liking him best, though.

She has three teeth. 3. The bottom middle two teeth came in as expected around 6-8 months. Then nothing until 13 months, and blammo: one tooth. And just like Judah: IT ISNT A MIDDLE TOOTH! It is a single, next-one-over, vampire situation! Unlike Judah, there have been no other teeth following close behind (he had a nice matching set). Poor girl doesn't even have a top-bottom pair that matches up yet. 

Precious Moments.

Dark hair. Her entire life. No sign of fair. I am giving it one more summer to lighten up and then I'm ordering a maternity test.  I joke.  I would love a little baby brunette. I think all 3 kids will end up brown (Jesse started out very blonde his first few years). She is rocking the full on mullet right now with no sign of curls, but can pull of delightful piggie sprout tails. I do think the sun with lighten her up a good bit, but am doubting it will go full blonde. What a world. 

She has an obession with LaCroix sparkling water. This is Jesse and my every day, 4x a day drink. But kids don't usually love it, much less babies. But she sees that can and is all "WAH-WAH" with grabby hand motions until I put a straw in and let her have some. The bubbles make for interesting reactions since she is utterly surprised by them every time and does this bizarre inside-out-mouth face. 

This is the same face she makes eating buttered rice: sucking the butter off every grain. Maternity test cancelled: she's OBVIOUSLY mine.

Hopefully I have covered enough of her quirks to fill in the rapidly growing brain gaps my old age is providing. This little baby is sweet and feisty and attached and independent and soft and fiere and we cannot wait to see who this delightful potato dumpling is becoming and all the weird phases she goes through on her way!

We love you, Noa Lou!

Why This Pastor's Wife Recommends Reading "50 Shades of Grey" Excerpts to Your Partner on Valentine's Day

Welcome to the first installment of "Keight Reviews of Books She Will Never Read, and then Immediately Stops Talking in the Third Person."

You may have gleaned from the title that I'm a Christian woman married to a professional minister, and, yes, that's right!--I think you and your partner absolutely should read passages* from 50 Shades of Grey aloud to each other this Valentine's Day. But not for the sexy....for the hilarity. Because if you tell me this book isn't a comedy I will tell you your pants are on fire.

Feminism/porn elements aside--for a brief moment only, because they should be/have been considered by people smarter than me--let's talk about the abuse of the English language that is running as rampant in this book as an outbreak of the STDs that it has surely contributed to.

Here are some selected favorites from the book itself:
 source. I added my own commentary because it's just too easy and fun, but theirs is definitely worth reading too.

"I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto."  WHAT?!? NO. BAD. Why drag Karl Marx into this?

"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you."  I think there may be very large parts of your brain that are underused, sweetie. And from a part of my stomach where all my bile dwells comes a sensation: gag.

"My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."  My very small intestine is swaying gently at the sight of all this crap in need of passing.

"I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone." This guy sure sounds like a raging sphinxter to me!

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something." FUN!: a choose-your-own-adventure simile for your readers to DIY. That's like as fun as like...something. Somebody, quick, get me a PULITZER!

"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his."  Does Sherwin Williams carry Communist Manifesto Hula Skirt Red? Because it sounds like it would look real primo in my scrapbooking studio.

source

I mean is this butchery of the English language supposed to be part of the naughty, naughty bad girl pain? Because it hurts worse than if someone locked my brain in fuzzy handcuffs and whipped it with just horrible, horrible metaphors (as turns out my brain is old fashioned and just isn't into that).

If the writing sounds like Twilight fan fiction, that's because it is. Seriously. How on earth that fact alone didn't stop this book's publication in its tracks is beyond me. And, yes, I purchased and read all volumes of the Twilight saga in about a week. They were no Ulysses, yet they were still harmlessly, addictively enjoyable. Like delicate cardamom-dusted plantain chips...OR SOMETHING. But as Sir Salman Rushdie said, "Fifty Shades of Grey makes Twilight look like War and Peace," so I cannot be faulted for indulging in those, right?  (to be fair: I read War and Peace last year--just to have actually done it--and I hated it, so what do I know about anything?).

Even if this was somehow a book on biblical marriage (and, spoiler alert, I'm like 60% sure it's not)--written in this "style" of prose, I would still find it offensive just for its terribleness-of-words (with phrasal gems like that, clearly I should be writing all the books). 

I was reading some lists of the top awful/ridiculous quotes from this series, and something kept tickling (in a G-rated way, I assure you) my memory. And then I found the perfect article, and it hit me (figuratively/platonically) why the syntax seems so familiar. OH! Because it's exactly the method of essay-writing that I used in the eighth grade when I wanted to sound fancy and smart like those writers from the Seventeen magazine.  

This misuse of the noble thesaurus smarts more than a riding crop.

The offense: "He puts down his cutlery and regards me intently, his eyes burning with some unfathomable emotion." Cutlery?! Who died and made you the manager of this Olive Garden, ANASTASIA!?

The fix: "He puts down his fork/knife/spoon and looks at me intently, his eyes burning with some unfathomable emotion."

The offense: "To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass-and-stone edifice." Oh buh-ruth-er

The fix: "To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a giant glass-and-stone building."

source: Vulture (many other facepalm-worthy examples found therein)

As when I go back and read my middle school feelings journal, the constant appearance of these kinds of sentences is cringeworthy, and I am embarrassed for the author. You can just feel the affect: she was writing and decided "hmm, it's good, but it needs to sound smarter," and then just flung in a handful of highfalutin words (leaving one to wonder what exactly ended up in the editor's trashcan when all these, PLUS 183 repetitions of the word "Crap!" and 173 "Oh my's!" stayed in the published series).

It is for these reasons and many more that I am giving my endorsement for this book as date night fare: Two enthusiastic thumbs up...and directly into my eyeballs.

Such levels of LOL-inducing nonsense are sure to have you and that special someone laughing yourselves silly, and should guarantee that you will thoroughly enjoy your evening. Because laughter is an even better aphrodisiac than oysters or torture[d phrases].

The only safe word you'll need when considering seriously reading this book and/or seeing the movie:  is NO...or something.

*Online. from websites that mock it.  For the love, do not spend money on this.

My Real-Life, Well-Dressed Toddler Son. Ramen + Quinoa

It's a sign of how out of it I have been that a wonderful, unexpected, priceless milestone happens for Judah this summer, and it slips my mind to blog about it.

"Hello, Posterity? This is Keight. Sorry I forgot to feed you."

It starts with Layla.

I added a little kid version of a hipster infinity scarf to my Etsy shop last fall. The cover model was this girl, who looked impossibly squnchable in her bunny print, posing like a veteran...poser?

toddler sold separately

Shortly after listing these, a customer asked about how they would look on boys, so I made Judah try one out for me and took a photo to show the customer a boy look. I also went ahead and ultra-hipster-fied him and had a full photo shoot complete with stage-mom directions in front of our house.

Because I'm 31 and was lacking any healthier hobby options, I guess.

The pics were hilarious. Somewhere between my "okay now give me Blue Steel" and his "Jeepers, Ma! I so dont want to be doing this," we landed into a pile of fabulously ironic and painfully cute poses and expressions.

I remember thinking he looked so big when I was taking these 11 months ago. Clearly I was delusional because he is TEENSY here.

But my favorite for sheer hilarity was the one I decided to post on my Instagram feed:

the duckfaced pout, the hand in pocket, the defiant chin. it's all so perfectly hipster. can't you just hear him extolling the virtues of kimchi or savagely critiquing a craft beer here?

Well my buddy, Emily, saw this pic and made a comment that, "Quinoa would love this" with hashtag #MIWDTD.

My immediate reaction to this comment was that Emily had maybe eaten some magic mushrooms becuase she surely was not making sense. But when I searched that hashtag I found a treasure of an Instagram feed belonging to the creator of the insanely viral Pinterest board: My Imaginary Well Dressed Toddler Daughter (hence #MIWDTD).

Created by  Tiffany Beveridge, the board (and Insta-feed) takes some of the more ridiculous children's fashion ads in existence and puts a story to them via brilliantly witty captions.  Like such as (...the Iraq):

Quinoa is basically the little girl who is cooler, richer, more gluten-free, and far more fashionable than you could ever hope to be. If you've heard of something, that means that she was into it, like, forever ago and is already completely over it.

So once I found the MIWDTD Instagram feed and instantly followed it, I decided to tag Judah's pic with that same hashtag too, since the boy in the pic could TOTALLY be a friend of Quinoa...or at least a  solid frenemy.  We brainstormed what his name would be: Gingham? Chai? Yolo? Nofilter? Neon? 

And then to my wild delight, Quinoa's "mom" herself popped in and commented on Judah's picture! 

Um, my child, being a hipster doofus, in a published work?! uh-duh!

So I sent her the pic and signed the release. I continued to follow Quinoa, laughing all the way (HA HA HA), and saw as the release date for the book was announced and then the advance copies went out, figuring Judah hadn't made the cut since I had never heard a final word. I wasn't too surprised since most of Quinoa's material is taken from work by real professional fashion photographers, in real ads, with much more over-the-top clothes and settings. I thought about asking Tiffany if Judah was in the book, but was too chicken to hear the rejection outright.

But the day the book came out we were by a bookstore getting dinner, and I said, well, let's go look at the book, just to be sure Judah's really not there, and buy it anyway since it's hilarious and perfect coffee table/guest bathroom reading.

I went to the front to ask for a copy and Jesse (the man) went to hunt it down without help. We both came towards each other holding the copies we had found and leafing wildly through it. 

"SHUT UP NO WAY!" I screeched. "PAGE 14 PAGE 14!!! HE'S IN HERE!"

You guys, she named him RAMEN! Just so beyond perfect as said noodles are a favorite of mine and a go-to during the rough-tum-tum weeks of pregnancy for me. 

And that caption, sheesh, she is spot on!

I was freaking out and making a slight scene screaming about him getting a FULL PAGE! and then forcing the kid to pose with the book.

Naturally we bought a copy (and so did my parents) and proudly display it in our living room (we've yet to get him to autograph it...a genius idea my dad had!). I also sat down and read the entire dang thing cover to cover in one sitting, cracking up all along the way. 

I give this book two thumbs way up (even if it weren't for page 14!), and since we donated the photo for free we see no profit for it's sales, so that is NOT why i give my thumbs.

All jokes aside, I have no intention of ever directing my kids towards modeling--even if they were "right" for it, so this was such a fun, once-in-a-lifetime thing for Judah to get to be a part of (especially since it was already done just for fun in the privacy of our own yard by the time we realized it would be published.. No stage = no stage mom potential!). He's set for life on at least one of his "two truths and a lie," and will always have a handy interesting fact about himself to put forth. 

Get a copy for yourself. Ramen/Judah will gladly autograph it for you.

Thank you, Emily for introducing me to Quinoa. Thank you, Tiffany for your rapier wit and for including us in your work. And most of all, thank you, Quinoa for being a paragon of what we should all aspire to, and for already being so totally over it by the time we caught on.