I have a new last name. I'm still getting used to it - Jimi asked me if I'd been practicing my new signature, and surprisingly, no, I haven't. I was just as shocked as you are. Sure, I've scrawled my new name on a notebook cover or two in the last few years, but leading up to the actual gettin'-married day, I didn't. Not even once. I haven't had a chance to sign it yet, or been called "Mrs. Fowler" by anyone other than teasing family/friends. It'll hit me eventually.
I've been waiting for days now to feel different, to feel some shift in this dynamic between myself and my new husband. (I do love using that word.) It's all the same. Everything feels just as it did this time last week. I guess that's how it goes when you "date" your intended for nearly 6 years. We've spent years building this love, this safe place for our hearts - of course a legal document won't change that.
I love watching Jimi play with his wedding band. I catch him twisting it on his finger, or just looking at it and smiling. He's never worn a ring - I'm glad that mine is the one that finally found a home on his hand.
Vacation/Honeymoon was fantabulous and wonderful and peaceful and centering and gave us a chance to focus on each other without the distractions of the rest of the world. (I get lost in the internet, he gets lost in the television - it was nice to spend a week mostly without those time-suckers.)
I've got every intention of writing a more-detailed post about our trip...for now I just wanted to record my happy. I love that man with every fiber of my being, and becoming his wife has made me the happiest girl in the whole wide world. How fucking lucky am I?!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
6, or My Little Lentil
**Disclaimer: This shit is TOP SECRET, yo. Well, as Top Secret as
it can be when it's posted on the internet. I can't not blog about this
life-changer, but if you know me in real life, please don't share the
news - I can't bear to have to make those phone calls or announcements
again if things don't end well.
Hey there good buddies. I wanted to write this, or something like it, yesterday, but yesterday was kind of a bad day. I worked 10.5 hours and then sobbed the whole way home, then got home and sobbed for the next hour. It's possible I'm a little over-emotional, but it's just as likely that my job is a soul-sucking whore that's trying to break my spirit. Maybe a little of both?
I made it to six weeks, folks! Can I get an "atta girl"? Yesterday was a line of demarcation I'd set in my head - will I make it that far? - and next week will be even bigger. Fingers crossed we get there.
We had dinner Tuesday with also-newly-pregnant friends, and talking pregnancy talk live and in person with another first timer was surreal and wonderful and made my heart so happy. Comparing symptoms, joys, fears - the same stuff all the women do on Baby Center, but this felt real, if that makes any sense. It's one thing to type it all out and commiserate with strangers, but to say actual out-loud words...it brought this thing to a whole new level of reality. I've been reticent to talk too much about it with anyone, because of my fear of it ending, but Tuesday gave me new hope and encouragement.
The sore boobs come and go, and I much prefer it when they're around because then I don't worry so much that something may be wrong. I haven't had any more episodes of nausea since the one last Friday. I still have some occasional cramps, but they're becoming more infrequent. My appetite is good. I love sleep and had to take a nap after work on Monday just to get through the evening - sometimes the tired comes over me and it feels like a weighted blanket. The mood swings, though - I'm over them. I've broken down at work a dozen times in the last two weeks, and while I'm naturally a crier, this is a new level of distraught that renders me incapable of holding back the tears. I've fantasized in the heat of the moment about walking out of my job and never going back...the thing that makes me think crazy thoughts like that, though, is the same reason I can't act on them. I'm going to have to work harder to find a way to keep my emotions in check.
During after-dinner conversation with our guests Tuesday night, Jimi broke my heart a little. Lisa asked him, "So, now that you've got a baby on the way, are you guys going to be making with the marrying?" He told her yes as I was saying "we haven't even talked about it yet" - we hadn't talked about it. Last time, the day I took the test he said, "Natalie, I will marry you", but then the baby wasn't and we never did. It became pretty fucking important to me about a year ago, to the point where I went into a pretty dark place this past winter when no proposal came. I've said my piece on the matter, though, made my feelings known, and let it go, figuring it'll happen eventually, hopefully. A few weeks back, I asked Jimi what he sees in his mind, immediately, when someone says the word "marriage". "Failure" was his response. Okay. If that's a word he connects with marriage, no wonder he's not in any hurry to do it. Tuesday, though, he told Lisa that he'd been afraid to marry me, because he knows I want children, and he was afraid that maybe he couldn't give them to me. Maybe he wasn't physically able to make a baby with me. His biggest fear is that we'll marry and not have babies and one day I'll come to him and tell him I have to divorce him because I need to have children. This is why you should talk about your feelings, people, so that your SO doesn't find out about your deepest darkest most heartbreaking fears while in a social setting where it's inappropriate to cry and delve into an in-depth discussion.
Obviously, there's more to that story, but that's going to have to be for another time. I have to go take a nap now.
Happy Thursday!
Hey there good buddies. I wanted to write this, or something like it, yesterday, but yesterday was kind of a bad day. I worked 10.5 hours and then sobbed the whole way home, then got home and sobbed for the next hour. It's possible I'm a little over-emotional, but it's just as likely that my job is a soul-sucking whore that's trying to break my spirit. Maybe a little of both?
I made it to six weeks, folks! Can I get an "atta girl"? Yesterday was a line of demarcation I'd set in my head - will I make it that far? - and next week will be even bigger. Fingers crossed we get there.
We had dinner Tuesday with also-newly-pregnant friends, and talking pregnancy talk live and in person with another first timer was surreal and wonderful and made my heart so happy. Comparing symptoms, joys, fears - the same stuff all the women do on Baby Center, but this felt real, if that makes any sense. It's one thing to type it all out and commiserate with strangers, but to say actual out-loud words...it brought this thing to a whole new level of reality. I've been reticent to talk too much about it with anyone, because of my fear of it ending, but Tuesday gave me new hope and encouragement.
The sore boobs come and go, and I much prefer it when they're around because then I don't worry so much that something may be wrong. I haven't had any more episodes of nausea since the one last Friday. I still have some occasional cramps, but they're becoming more infrequent. My appetite is good. I love sleep and had to take a nap after work on Monday just to get through the evening - sometimes the tired comes over me and it feels like a weighted blanket. The mood swings, though - I'm over them. I've broken down at work a dozen times in the last two weeks, and while I'm naturally a crier, this is a new level of distraught that renders me incapable of holding back the tears. I've fantasized in the heat of the moment about walking out of my job and never going back...the thing that makes me think crazy thoughts like that, though, is the same reason I can't act on them. I'm going to have to work harder to find a way to keep my emotions in check.
During after-dinner conversation with our guests Tuesday night, Jimi broke my heart a little. Lisa asked him, "So, now that you've got a baby on the way, are you guys going to be making with the marrying?" He told her yes as I was saying "we haven't even talked about it yet" - we hadn't talked about it. Last time, the day I took the test he said, "Natalie, I will marry you", but then the baby wasn't and we never did. It became pretty fucking important to me about a year ago, to the point where I went into a pretty dark place this past winter when no proposal came. I've said my piece on the matter, though, made my feelings known, and let it go, figuring it'll happen eventually, hopefully. A few weeks back, I asked Jimi what he sees in his mind, immediately, when someone says the word "marriage". "Failure" was his response. Okay. If that's a word he connects with marriage, no wonder he's not in any hurry to do it. Tuesday, though, he told Lisa that he'd been afraid to marry me, because he knows I want children, and he was afraid that maybe he couldn't give them to me. Maybe he wasn't physically able to make a baby with me. His biggest fear is that we'll marry and not have babies and one day I'll come to him and tell him I have to divorce him because I need to have children. This is why you should talk about your feelings, people, so that your SO doesn't find out about your deepest darkest most heartbreaking fears while in a social setting where it's inappropriate to cry and delve into an in-depth discussion.
Obviously, there's more to that story, but that's going to have to be for another time. I have to go take a nap now.
Happy Thursday!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Bouncing up and fucking down.
It's like a weight has been lifted.
Sometimes you just need a good cometoJesus to release your soul, all the pent up sad and crazy and worry. I thought I was saying the right words before, but maybe I wasn't. "If we didn't have this talk tonight, if I didn't say these things to you, if you didn't propose within the next year, I would leave." I said it. That evil thing that was building in the back of my mind, that poison that was tainting my utopia. I said the words - the ones that needed to be said, "This is what I have to have to be happy. This is what I need. We have needs and wants in relationships, and this is what I need."
We came together, we drifted, we wandered far apart, but in the end, we met in the middle, with love and understanding, and we're back in the place we've always been. We're good. We're safe. All is right with the world.
I cried myself to sleep last night, sick in my heart with fear and sad. Tonight, I'm light like a feather, knowing we're good, having confirmation of that fact I knew in my heart but needed to know with my ears.
Tomorrow I'll spend several hours in the car with my boss. I'm feeling mighty brave and strong tonight, Friends. I have my power outfit planned and ready, down to the comfy no-line panties and the bright pink argyle socks. (Those are just for my particular comfort, for the record. I'm not planning to show our customers my panties or my socks. But you never know. My boss hired me because I showed him my socks during my interview...)
I need a raise. I've been stewing about it for months, and the time has come where I've just got to ask or I'm going to build up so much resentment that I'll grow to hate my job and I don't want to hate my job because as crazy as it is, I fucking love it there. I do. I get pissed off all the time and frustrated as hell, but I love it, and I don't want to go anywhere else. But I need to be compensated for the work I'm doing, and that's never going to happen if I don't make my needs known. See, in relationships, all relationships, we have needs, and we have wants. The fact is, for me to continue my happy relationship with my employer, I need to make more money. They want to make as much money as possible, I need to make enough money to play well when I'm not there making money for them.
Does any of this even make sense? I don't really care if it does. I'm pretty sure I'll understand it when I read it again tomorrow. A weight has been lifted. I'm feeling pretty fucking invincible. I'm going to make an ass out of myself tomorrow and I'll come back here tomorrow night crying about how I thought I had this but I really didn't.
No I won't.
I won't write again for days because I'll be all embarrassed and then I'll write about something totally dumb because I'll want to pretend I never wrote this entry.
And if I'm not engaged this time next year, I'll come back and delete this shit, too.
I read something the other day that said that in ten years we won't need resumes, we'll just use our online profiles when applying for jobs.
Fuck me, I hope I don't have to ever change jobs again.
Sometimes you just need a good cometoJesus to release your soul, all the pent up sad and crazy and worry. I thought I was saying the right words before, but maybe I wasn't. "If we didn't have this talk tonight, if I didn't say these things to you, if you didn't propose within the next year, I would leave." I said it. That evil thing that was building in the back of my mind, that poison that was tainting my utopia. I said the words - the ones that needed to be said, "This is what I have to have to be happy. This is what I need. We have needs and wants in relationships, and this is what I need."
We came together, we drifted, we wandered far apart, but in the end, we met in the middle, with love and understanding, and we're back in the place we've always been. We're good. We're safe. All is right with the world.
I cried myself to sleep last night, sick in my heart with fear and sad. Tonight, I'm light like a feather, knowing we're good, having confirmation of that fact I knew in my heart but needed to know with my ears.
Tomorrow I'll spend several hours in the car with my boss. I'm feeling mighty brave and strong tonight, Friends. I have my power outfit planned and ready, down to the comfy no-line panties and the bright pink argyle socks. (Those are just for my particular comfort, for the record. I'm not planning to show our customers my panties or my socks. But you never know. My boss hired me because I showed him my socks during my interview...)
I need a raise. I've been stewing about it for months, and the time has come where I've just got to ask or I'm going to build up so much resentment that I'll grow to hate my job and I don't want to hate my job because as crazy as it is, I fucking love it there. I do. I get pissed off all the time and frustrated as hell, but I love it, and I don't want to go anywhere else. But I need to be compensated for the work I'm doing, and that's never going to happen if I don't make my needs known. See, in relationships, all relationships, we have needs, and we have wants. The fact is, for me to continue my happy relationship with my employer, I need to make more money. They want to make as much money as possible, I need to make enough money to play well when I'm not there making money for them.
Does any of this even make sense? I don't really care if it does. I'm pretty sure I'll understand it when I read it again tomorrow. A weight has been lifted. I'm feeling pretty fucking invincible. I'm going to make an ass out of myself tomorrow and I'll come back here tomorrow night crying about how I thought I had this but I really didn't.
No I won't.
I won't write again for days because I'll be all embarrassed and then I'll write about something totally dumb because I'll want to pretend I never wrote this entry.
And if I'm not engaged this time next year, I'll come back and delete this shit, too.
I read something the other day that said that in ten years we won't need resumes, we'll just use our online profiles when applying for jobs.
Fuck me, I hope I don't have to ever change jobs again.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Easy like Sunday Morning, v2.0
Morning sex on the weekends seems to have made itself a permanent fixture on our weekly To Do list, and I'm diggin' it - especially when followed up with a shower and him making ham and eggs on toast. Naked. I don't care if you do hate me for the mental image, I can't imagine a better way to start a day.
This weekend has been fantastic, and I've still got most of today left to go. AND, I technically don't have to work tomorrow, though I am planning to get up early and go in for a few hours. I think I've gotten the break I was seeking when I decided to take a day or two off. I feel refreshed and relaxed. Of course, that could still just be after glow, but whatever.
Jimi said yesterday if we get married and have a wedding, we'll rent out a theater at the Kentucky Center for the Arts and put on a one-act play as our wedding. I got super excited and turned it into like 5 acts, complete with costume changes. I could write a hilariously awesome play about our life together - and our "how we met" story is an opening act made for the stage.
No, we're not engaged or making wedding plans, but it's fun to talk about it sometimes. I think if we ever did get married we'd probably head for the courthouse or take off to some tropical island somewhere and make it happen - mainly because i don' t see either of us making it a priority to save up $30K to throw a big blow-out wedding party....if we get our hands on $30K, I'm getting a new kitchen and bathroom and Jimi's getting a new truck.
We're watching a rebroadcast of Princess Diana & Prince Charles' wedding now, and last night it was Four Weddings on TLC. I don't know why we're watching all this wedding shit - or how to make you believe that Jimi really did flip to this. (It's the rule in our house - whomever has the computer, the other controls the remote. I always have the computer.)
And now we're going to go walk the dog. Happy Sunday!
This weekend has been fantastic, and I've still got most of today left to go. AND, I technically don't have to work tomorrow, though I am planning to get up early and go in for a few hours. I think I've gotten the break I was seeking when I decided to take a day or two off. I feel refreshed and relaxed. Of course, that could still just be after glow, but whatever.
Jimi said yesterday if we get married and have a wedding, we'll rent out a theater at the Kentucky Center for the Arts and put on a one-act play as our wedding. I got super excited and turned it into like 5 acts, complete with costume changes. I could write a hilariously awesome play about our life together - and our "how we met" story is an opening act made for the stage.
No, we're not engaged or making wedding plans, but it's fun to talk about it sometimes. I think if we ever did get married we'd probably head for the courthouse or take off to some tropical island somewhere and make it happen - mainly because i don' t see either of us making it a priority to save up $30K to throw a big blow-out wedding party....if we get our hands on $30K, I'm getting a new kitchen and bathroom and Jimi's getting a new truck.
We're watching a rebroadcast of Princess Diana & Prince Charles' wedding now, and last night it was Four Weddings on TLC. I don't know why we're watching all this wedding shit - or how to make you believe that Jimi really did flip to this. (It's the rule in our house - whomever has the computer, the other controls the remote. I always have the computer.)
And now we're going to go walk the dog. Happy Sunday!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thoughts formed over Mexican food
What kind of woman actively pursues a married man? A married man with a child?
What sort of character must you possess to text things like "I'll leave the door unlocked, in case you're able to get away"?
What kind of woman ignores a wife's plea of "I need you to go away, like you promised you would"?
What kind of man actively pursues a woman who is not his wife? What sort of father hurts the mother of his child in that way? What is he teaching his daughter about how men should treat their wives?
How deeply flawed must one be to repeatedly lie and cheat?
What kind of man ignores his wife's plea of "If you love me, if you love us, please stop this"?
What kind of woman actively allows herself to be disrespected and demeaned? What example does she set for her child?
How badly has she been hurt that she accepts that an unfaithful spouse is simply her lot in life, the way of things, nothing that can be helped?
What sort of woman is able to live in a world of instability and insecurity and fear that's been created by the man to whom she's devoted her life?
What kind of friend can listen to a tale such as this and not want to punch the lying cheating bastard in his face? How could you not want to pull the triflin' bitch's hair from her ugly head?
How much trouble can you really get into for egging someone's car?
What sort of friend could ignore a scorned wife's plea of "Let's just go for a drive - please?"?
What sort of character must you possess to text things like "I'll leave the door unlocked, in case you're able to get away"?
What kind of woman ignores a wife's plea of "I need you to go away, like you promised you would"?
What kind of man actively pursues a woman who is not his wife? What sort of father hurts the mother of his child in that way? What is he teaching his daughter about how men should treat their wives?
How deeply flawed must one be to repeatedly lie and cheat?
What kind of man ignores his wife's plea of "If you love me, if you love us, please stop this"?
What kind of woman actively allows herself to be disrespected and demeaned? What example does she set for her child?
How badly has she been hurt that she accepts that an unfaithful spouse is simply her lot in life, the way of things, nothing that can be helped?
What sort of woman is able to live in a world of instability and insecurity and fear that's been created by the man to whom she's devoted her life?
What kind of friend can listen to a tale such as this and not want to punch the lying cheating bastard in his face? How could you not want to pull the triflin' bitch's hair from her ugly head?
How much trouble can you really get into for egging someone's car?
What sort of friend could ignore a scorned wife's plea of "Let's just go for a drive - please?"?
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's not a marriage, but it's close.
Jimi and I have been living happily ever after in sin for just over 3 years now. We have no plans to change our marital status, as our arrangement is perfection and why would you ever want to fuck with that?
But last week at work, one of my employees was hospitalized. And his live-in girlfriend was a complete jackass when relaying the details to us. She was abusive and mean and it got to the point where my boss said, "Don't talk to her anymore. She's just the girlfriend - she's nobody."
OH FUCK.
Warning bells went off in my head and I started thinking about things I'd only kind of thought about maybe in passing briefly for a few seconds over the course of our 4 years of non-wedded bliss. Things like, "If something happened to me, would they treat Jimi the same way?" and "I don't even know his social security number - what if he was incapacitated?" and "what would happen to the house if he died without a Will? Would they really let me pay it off and keep it with the life insurance money he's left me, or would I find myself kicked out of the home we share with just our things and a big fat check?"
So last night over dinner, I brought up my fears. And I told him what I'd been thinking. And I asked him what he thought. And I asked him if he would "Civil Union" me. (He said yes, by the way. He'd been mulling over the situation, too, it seems.)
He's in a bit of a better position than I, as he is the owner of the house we call home. He bought this house in his name, with his credit. I have no legal claim to this property. And while that doesn't bother me while we're still of sound mind and body, don't think I haven't lost hours of sleep worried about what COULD happen if something were to happen to him. Because I have no legal claim to this property. Even scarier for me is the idea of him being hospitalized and me not being able to talk to his doctors, or to make decisions in the event he's unable to do so. Or even talk to our service providers (cable, gas, electric, water). Or handle his banking needs. Or...
You get where I'm going with this, right?
So now I'm googling and facebooking and networking and trying to figure out what legal documents we need to make sure that in the event of catastrophe, we can each make decisions for the other without relying on the kindness of strangers who are willing to overlook our technically "single" status.
Of course, one phone call to an attorney would probably answer all my questions, but why would I ever take the easy way? Why start now?
But last week at work, one of my employees was hospitalized. And his live-in girlfriend was a complete jackass when relaying the details to us. She was abusive and mean and it got to the point where my boss said, "Don't talk to her anymore. She's just the girlfriend - she's nobody."
OH FUCK.
Warning bells went off in my head and I started thinking about things I'd only kind of thought about maybe in passing briefly for a few seconds over the course of our 4 years of non-wedded bliss. Things like, "If something happened to me, would they treat Jimi the same way?" and "I don't even know his social security number - what if he was incapacitated?" and "what would happen to the house if he died without a Will? Would they really let me pay it off and keep it with the life insurance money he's left me, or would I find myself kicked out of the home we share with just our things and a big fat check?"
So last night over dinner, I brought up my fears. And I told him what I'd been thinking. And I asked him what he thought. And I asked him if he would "Civil Union" me. (He said yes, by the way. He'd been mulling over the situation, too, it seems.)
He's in a bit of a better position than I, as he is the owner of the house we call home. He bought this house in his name, with his credit. I have no legal claim to this property. And while that doesn't bother me while we're still of sound mind and body, don't think I haven't lost hours of sleep worried about what COULD happen if something were to happen to him. Because I have no legal claim to this property. Even scarier for me is the idea of him being hospitalized and me not being able to talk to his doctors, or to make decisions in the event he's unable to do so. Or even talk to our service providers (cable, gas, electric, water). Or handle his banking needs. Or...
You get where I'm going with this, right?
So now I'm googling and facebooking and networking and trying to figure out what legal documents we need to make sure that in the event of catastrophe, we can each make decisions for the other without relying on the kindness of strangers who are willing to overlook our technically "single" status.
Of course, one phone call to an attorney would probably answer all my questions, but why would I ever take the easy way? Why start now?
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