Looking for my Happy as a Mum of Five.

I have been dying to get writing again for days. This post was going to be called “Getting Back into the Swing of Things – or Trying” but as I opened up a fresh word document I wrote the above realising that getting back into the groove of everyday life for me is not just about creating routine, being organised, gaining some control and being productive, although those things are important. It is also about finding the right state of mind to face the world, my workload and the people around me.

My newest little one is 17 days old and the days seem to have flown by at a crazy pace and in a whirl. In that time my youngest sister got married, we carried out the aqeeqah for our baby, the boys went back to school and Little Lady started high school.

In between all of this the baby went for a check up and seemed to have lost weight which along with the jaundice she developed (which all of my children had) meant we had to spend two days in the hospital with her while she underwent light therapy for the jaundice and I expressed bottles of milk to see if perhaps I just wasn't producing enough for her. In the end I agreed to supplement with formula in the short term and the hospital wondered if the original weight recorded for her had been wrong.

The aqeeqah was a simple affair which brought together family which had been estranged for a long time. I couldn’t do as much as I wanted to with the baby and me just out of hospital, so in the end decided family, good friends and good food was enough.

My youngest sister’s wedding was stressful, bitter-sweet, beautiful and in the end everything went well. I have lots of pics to share of all of the days, but I think I’ll let her blog it first before I accidentally post any “big reveals” of outfits.

After all the busyness, we spent the last weekend finding our feet, trying to get some rest and with mum-in-law and the kids recovering from coughs and colds. Today has been the first day I could cook, plan ahead for packed lunches, start putting the house back in order slowly and start thinking about how I can order my days so that everything gets done and everyone is taken care of (including me).

I have found the last few days frustrating, with a constant cycle of feeds, nappies, guests, functions and various aches and pains interspersed with housework, children’s homework, re-establishing bedtimes and morning routines now that school has started and a grumpy toddler who needs lots of attention and reassurance. Over the days it got to me and I started to wonder if I could ever stop feeling tired, sleep deprived, put upon and as if I was not getting anywhere or achieving very much.

I realised that it was not so much the sheer volume of things to do, but my mental state that needed attention. Alhamdulillah I have a capacity for hard work and enduring long days. If Allah (SWT) has blessed me with many responsibilities it is not without the strength to fulfil them. But to find that strength I have to be positive, upbeat and at peace with myself and those around me. The last few days that felt easier said than done with my temper and sadness getting the better of me. This led me to think about why I was feeling this way and what I could do about it.

These are the things that are helping me to lift my mood and feel stronger and happier:

1. Dhikr (Remembrance of Allah) – The postnatal period means that I won’t be praying my daily salah for the first 40 days or so. I think this has a massive impact on the way you feel. Losing the five daily conversations with Allah (SWT), using the time to ask for his help and for your needs to be fulfilled and the general peace of prayer which is an oasis of peace in the craziness of everyday life:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “the coolness of my eyes is in prayer.” (Ahmad, An-Nasa'i)
Although I can’t pray, something that can be done in almost every situation and at all times is dhikr: “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (Quran 13:28)”

2. Writing – I find writing and blogging therapeutic, an outlet for my thoughts and an opportunity to be creative. I always feel happier and more willing to do things for everyone else when I have had the chance to do something for myself. I’m hoping eight months of maternity leave will give me lots of opportunities to write and blog, but with five children of different ages, we’ll have to see.

3. Exercise – I have been craving the chance to walk or do some kind of exercise that helps get my energy levels up and helps me to lose the weight I gained following the last two pregnancies. I have found a walking partner in my neighbour and hope to do a couple of miles each day insh’Allah. Should be do-able because I love walking in any weather, but

4. Get out – With two babies and a pram for one, I have been housebound unless I leave the new baby with my mum–in-law and grab what I need and rush home again. This week I am researching prams for two children and also looking at booking driving lessons.

5. Treats – I don’t believe in retail therapy and trying to buy happiness and with five children I am rethinking my finances and will have to learn to budget a lot better than I currently do. Instead I will look at treats that involve relaxation, trips out, time spent with friends and my sisters, special things I can do with my children and time to read. Although I suspect buying chocolate and gorgeous stationary might also sneak in under treats.

6. Life is Short – The local sisters circle is hosted at our house at the moment and was well-attended today. These weekly sessions always leave me refreshed and with food for thought. Today it was mentioned that one day in the next life is like a thousand years in this world. The point was that this world is transitory and when we look back over our lives this time will feel so short. It reminded me not to fill this short life with complaints, dissatisfaction, arguments and ungratefulness. Also when you look at things from this perspective it helps you to be patient as its only regarding pain or sadness for such a short time.

Alhamdulillah, I have had so many kind comments and e-mails and insh’Allah I will answer them over the next few days as I find my feet in between feeds, nappies and still feeling quite sleepy.

image source

Picture of the Day 05.04.14 - A Stolen Moment

I have been suffering from a headache for the last few days.  I get these every few days at the moment if I don't eat regularity.  I went to bed with it, woke up at dawn for prayers with it when reading Quran helped and then woke up again a few hours later it.  I think they are part stress-headaches when there is too much going on in my head.  Things to write, projects to finish, things I am planning.  What to do with the kids during the Easter holidays, where to take them, whether we can afford to stay away for a few days. Of course, the pile of paper of paperwork to get through, Little Lady's Islamic school application, the piles of laundry on my bedroom floor, the basket full of washed clothes to put away, the machine full writing to be hung out, the sink full of last nights dishes, the bottles to be washed and sterilised....

So this morning, I sneaked past stirring children and sleepy husband and into the garden with a big glass of water, some painkillers and a packet of crisps in lieu of a sensible breakfast.

I just sat for half an hour and watched the wind blowing the petals off the blossom on my neighbours pear tree (everything is covered in blossom in London at the moment, it looks so pretty).  It's like watching snow float down but without the cold.

I'm loving my little garden at thee moment.  Mum-in-law and dad-in-law spent last summer bringing it all to one level and replacing all of the tiles  so the kids could play.  It feels much bigger than before.  They reduced the beds, which upset me at first, and they brought them flush with the edge of the garden where there was a big gap of wasted space before.

Dad-in-law also put up big fences which makes the garden feel very private, like a little peaceful sanctuary.  I've been filling it with flowers in time for mum-in-laws return at the end of the month.

After my little time out, I felt peaceful and soothed and my headache eased off in time to tackle dishes, breakfast, Little Man's request for ice-cream (we negotiated deferment until after lunch) and laundry.

My little quiet time in my sanctuary has stayed with me and I brought Darling and Little Lady outside to enjoy the blossom petals with me later in the day.

(Darling rocking her new summer sandals and green socks combo).

Getting Over Burnout

Sometimes it all piles up – children, school, housework, in-laws, work, blogging, your social life.  There are times when you can handle it and you keep going until it feels manageable again.  Then there are the times when you lose the motivation and will to try and get to grips with it.  During the last few days I have been very much in the latter frame of mind.

The last few days I have been quietly fretting under the surface and trying to think about what I have to do to get my mojo back.  Smile, make myself do all of the tasks I dislike the most, somehow just keep going.  But as I keep reminding myself through my writings on this blog – sometimes you have to let go of doing and just be. 

I have to stop forcing myself to do more.  I have to stop resenting the time I have to sleep and appreciate the benefits of rest and sleep more.  Most of all I have to stop holding myself to an unrealistic standard of how my home, children and body are supposed to be.

So for the next few days I am going to slow down.  I am going to stop resisting how I feel.  I am going to let myself feel jaded, tired and demotivated.  I won’t wallow, but I am going to accept how I have been feeling for so many days, listen to my body and give it a little of what it wants.

I am going to trust that once I have accepted these feelings and treated my soul and body with some respect, they will lift and I will be ready to start taking care of the things that’s are important once more.

So over the next few days I am going to take better care of my diet and get some rest.  I am going to spend some time with my best friend and some time with my little ones doing something easy and fun.   I am going to try and wrangle some quiet time with hubby to just sit and talk and be in each other's company.  I want to be calm enough for a few days that my prayers are slower and more thoughtful.  Most importantly I am going to try and spend as much time as possible doing nothing and without feeling guilty about it.

I invite my hardworking, tired and overstretched sisters to do something fun or relaxing for themselves today – what do you do to unwind and how do you deal with feelings of burnout?