My Little Hijabi’s

A few month ago my second youngest child, Darling, aged 9, asked me if she could wear her hijab to school. I asked her if she was sure, and on hearing that she was, I said of course she could.

 

I can’t lie, I hesitated for a few moments. Not because I don’t love the hijab and am proud of her, but because I know that perhaps people might treat her differently because of it. They may see her as a Muslim before they see her as a child. Some will assume that I and her dad made her wear it.

 

Of course, I said yes and told her I was very proud of her. Of course, the first day she wore it to school, someone told her she “looked like an Indian” and of course it being Darling she happily told of them and had them missing playtime for a week, much to her glee.

 

She has taken it quite seriously, both making sure she wears it every day and making sure she matches it to her outfit. My youngest seems to have decided she likes the idea as well and asked if she can wear it too.  She has adopted it in her own wild and dishevelled way, in contrast to Darlings meticulous neatness. On more than one occasion she has gotten half way to school and realised she has forgotten it. Most days most of her hair is sticking out of the front and her little hijab is lopsided.

 

I think a big part of their decision to wear hijab is linked to their going back to the masjid for Quran classes after two years of online lessons. They are in a class for two hours every day with other little Muslimah’s and two lovely young teachers who have recently graduated as Islamic scholars. These two teachers have been phenomenal positive role models for them, bringing them closer to the faith and bringing it to life for them, complementing teaching with stories, time to play, crafts and little gifts for the girls.

 

I pray that they love wearing hijab as much as their mum does for the rest of their lives and that Allah (SWT) is pleased with them, their teachers and accepts it from them and us.

Darling as a Sufragette (school dress up)

The girls dressed up for World Book Day (as Cinderella and Enid, a character from The Worst Witch book series - yes thats an abaya)

My messy little one rocking her matching purple hijab and fave kitten socks 

Explaining Niqab Badly

I have to say that I have heard some pretty awful explanations of hijab and niqab in the past, including by the Muslim women that wear them.  I especially cringe when words like rape figure in any such conversation.

I think part of the problem is that sometimes people are not good at articulating themselves or feel uncomfortable discussing this type of topic.  Other times, I think people have a clear thinking about hijab but are taken by surprise by a question and don’t quite have a short, clear “elevator pitch” ready and explain it badly or say the wrong thing.

I found myself in an interesting situation a few weeks back during some Unconscious Bias training at work.  One of the sections of the training analysed different religions and their approach to diet, dress and prayer.  The trainer mentioned that Muslim women wear a hijab and a thing on their face called a…hijab?  I told the trainer it was called a niqab.

At this point someone asked why women wore it. I remember the tone of the question rather than the question itself.  The whole training had been not good enough in my view, so this was one more thing that got me going.  I explained the difference between hijab and niqab and acknowledged that it was an emotive subject for people.  I also explained that it wasn’t about hiding away, protecting yourself from assault or being better than anyone else.  It was about your relationship with your Creator and about your interpretation of a command to be modest and present yourself to the world in a way that you are judged on your good deeds and good character and not your face or body.  I explained that there was a multiplicity of ways Muslim women interpreted the injunction and wore hijab and that what was really important was talking to them to understand why rather than assume why.

I think I probably went on a bit too long and slightly embarrassed myself.  But as I said to someone at a Diversity workshop in the city recently: I have held my tongue too often and that means that young women that will follow me will have to deal with the same ignorance I have.  I have never actually held my tongue before and will talk your ears off at any opportunity that Islam is mentioned, but it sounded more dramatic 😊

Perhaps the answer is to have a clear elevator pitch (a concise, clear explanation) about why you wear hijab or niqab and share it with others. It doesn’t have to be a “right answer” but just one that is true to you.  Certainly, I think niqab is misunderstood and wrongly maligned, I feel very protective of my niqab-wearing sisters because quiet a number of my friends wear it and I get an insight into what amazing, beautiful people they are, but also how much abuse they face because of it.  In any case, I love it when people ask questions because I feel it’s a million times better to ask a question and expand your thinking than to make your mind up and refuse to consider a different person’s position.

image source

Product Review: Hidden Pearl Hijabs

I was asked recently by online modest fashion brand Hidden Pearl to review some hijabs for them.  They sent me six hijabs to test out.

The first type was a plain crinkle hijab in army green and dusky pink.  I liked the colour selection on the website or this hijab, this pink in particular was easy to wear and went with lots of things.  The fabric is a soft viscose and the crimped effect means you can probably get away with wearing it without ironing it.  I thought this was a nice everyday hijab and good if you like a little shape and texture in the way you wrap your scarf.

The second type I tested were stretchy jersey hijabs.  I like jersey hijabs for a few reasons.  They tend to stay where you put them, you can achieve a nice draped effect with them and they are a nice weight.  They are also a bit warmer for colder days.  I tried the beige and mauve colours and everyone liked the latter.  The hijabs were 100% cotton and a nice quality.

The last two I tried out were the everyday chiffon hijab in dusky pink and the deluxe chiffon hijab in soft pink.  Both had a nice neat finish at the edges.  The everyday chiffon hijab has a slightly grainy effect which stops it from being so silky it slips off.  The deluxe version has a subtle crinkled effect which I really liked.

The hijabs all washed well and didn't lose colour or get damaged in an ordinary (40 degree) wash.  I thought the prices were reasonable, particularly for the everyday and jersey hijabs.

The items for this review were provided at no cost by the product supplier in return for a fair and honest review.  All opinions in this review are my own and in no way influenced Hidden Pearl Hijabs.

World Hijab Day 2017: Reflecting on the Journey and Questions

It is World Hijab Day today (thank you to my little sister for the reminder).  On reflection a couple of things come to mind: how much animosity there is still in some parts of the world to the concept of hijab, how much easier it seems to wear hijab today than it did 18 years ago and how much more confidently young women pull it off these days.

(awesome image courtsey of my little sister here and here)

The other things that I am reminded of are my hijab journey and how often I still get asked strange questions.

The Hijab Journey

When I look back, there came a point in my teenage years when I questioned my faith and decided that it made sense to me and was something that I wanted to follow.  At that time hijab seemed so alien to me.  I wanted to be like everyone else and not the only one wearing a scarf.  At the same time, there was guilt at the back of my mind and a desire to follow what I believed to be Allah's (SWT) command for me.

At university, I had a dear, beloved, friend, who decided to wear hijab at the start of Ramadan. She inspired me and gave me courage, so I decided I would wear hijab too.  Alhamdullilah, I believe she gave me a real push to come closer to my faith and that she should get equal reward to me for every day I have work hijab in the last 18 years.

I first wore hijab with the ends twisted around the front and tied at the back, a bit like this:

image source

I didn't realise at the time that Jewish women often cover their hair like this.  I lost count of the number of African women who asked me how I tied my scarf and delighted in explaining.  I sometimes look at turban hijab trend today and before I judge, have to remind myself I started somewhere too.

The other thing I recall from this time was how many women, usually not in hijab themselves would either tell me how beautiful I looked in my hijab or defend my right to wear hijab.  It's something that helped my confidence to grow in waring my hijab and I make dua that these sisters are blessed with happiness today.

With my new found confidence, I transitioned to bringing my hijab down from behind my neck and wearing the square Turkish style hijabs for many years: 

image source

I still dressed the same way I always did and as I began work, I wore sharp suits and long skirts.  Over time and with the transition to otherhood these became looser and were then replaced with the abayah.  On the first day I wore abayah, I explained to my manager that I would be dressing like this and I hope she was okay with it, I think she was completely lost as to what to say and responded that she thought my long dress was lovely.

At work, I met my beloved best friend and she inspired me to try the long pashmina scarf, showing me how to pin it, which took a little practice. 

image source

I am used to this style and feel super comfortable in it.  I love wearing hijab and I am proud of my hijab-wearing sisters.  I am also grateful to those that don't wear hijab but defend our right to wear it and those who stick up for us when we feel scared or vulnerable.

The next step in my hijab, may or may not be to wear niqab, it is something I really respect, but I am not sure I have the courage to take it up as a permanent step with all it entails.  My utmost love and regard to those sisters who do xxx

The Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Do you wear that at home / in bed / in the shower?

No.  Hijab is to be worn in front of non-Mahram men, i.e. those that you would be allowed to marry.  So we don't hav to wear it in front of our parents, husband or children at home or in bed.  Or when we are alone, like in the shower.

Do you wear it because you are married?  Does your husband make you wear it?

No.  Hijab becomes obligatory on a woman when she reached puberty, way before she might be considering marriage or a husband.  It's a command from Allah (SWT), not your husband.

Or as my darling best friend said in response to a very rude colleague who asked me why I wore that thing on my head - because we love and respect piuos women like the Virgin Mary who also covers her head (the lady asking was  strict Catholic, she was left wihtout a thing to say).

Don't you get hot in it?

No more than if I had been wearing regular clothes, when it's hot out, you feel hot.  I always struggled with the heat, despite the fact it hardly even ever gets very hot in England, but I found that when I started to wear hijab and abayah, the heat no longer seemed to have an effect on me.  I beleive when you do something for Allah (SWT), He makes it easy for you.

Or as some sisters woud say:  "Yes, but not hotter than I would be in the fires of hell"

Or as I often say: "Cool is a state of mind" - that often confuses people :)

Do you have hair?  How long is your hair?

Yes and how long is a piece of string?  Sometimes I have fun with this one and try to convince people I am bald.

Why do you wear black scarves?  Why do you wear coloured scarves?  How do you decide which scarf to wear

Depends on my mood, black just matches everything and I love colour.  I tell people I choose my hijab based on what lipstick colour I want to wear, actually I just rotate through my collection.

I'll stop there, because it;'s getting late and I have to iron my hijab for work tomorrow, but I thought the video below from the awesome Secret Life of Muslims was great fun

To the Rude Hijabi at Heathrow

My mum flew out to Pakistan last week and my dad dropped her off at the airport. When he returned I asked him how it all went and his first comment was that there was a girl in hijab at the counter that was very rude to him. He then told me how mum was over her baggage allowance (no surprise there), how they unpacked and re-packed and finally got it all sorted.

The thing that stayed with me was the description of the young sister in hijab that had barked instructions at them and spoken down to them. Now I know that just because we wear hijab we shouldn’t have to be perfect all the time. People have a stereotype sometimes of hijab-wearing sisters, that suggests they are good and pious people. I often find that strangers turn to me for help, asking for directions or asking to help translate, assuming I would be happy to do so. Of course it’s not fair to put all of the pressure on sisters to always be good, never lose their temper, always behave in an exemplary way, always be helpful (although of course we should aspire to).

Of course when you work in any job that requires you to serve others and that is time-pressured, you are going to get fed up sometimes. You will see one difficult customer after another, some will be rude to you. One of my sisters works for a local authority housing department. She sees colleagues who are rude to people who ask for help, treating them as if they are some kind of benefit cheat or beggar. After a long time, my sister started to feel a bit fed up of certain customers too who behaved badly or tried to play games with the system. I mentioned this to a colleague of mine. Her response was simple – if you are working with people who need your help, if and when you start to become jaded, it is time to step away. She spoke from experience as someone who was a trained lawyer and had became burned-out after dealing with child abuse cases, so moved to working for a local authority.

I once wrote about my experience with midwives and my care during pregnancy, particularly how uncaring staff had had a big impact on me. One sister (the awesome Umm Zakariya of The Alif 2 Yaa of Motherhood) commented very similarly about how midwives that felt burned out and jaded need to step back and take a break from the work 

I completely agree, if you cannot provide service with a smile or at least with the minimum of courtesy, you should not be working in a job that requires you to deal with people. Your job may be tough and intense, but that does not give you the right to treat your customers like idiots who are wasting your time. The same goes whether you are working in a hospital or store or an airport.

My dad has respect for sisters in hijab, perhaps he was mistaken in some false stereotype of hijab-wearing sisters being good, kind people. Because we are pretty much like everyone else – some of us are good, kind and patient and some of us are less so, a few are down right crappy people. Our hijab shouldn’t mean that we are under constant pressure to act like a saint. But saying that, there have been so many time that someone has been rude to me, muttered under their breath or said something nasty in public. I want to be rude back, I want to tell them off, sometimes I want to swear, but I know how I behave will affect other sisters in hijab. Perhaps if I behave in a good way, it might even change what people think about us. I am mindful of the fact that I wear hijab and in doing so I am identifiable as a Muslimah. Kindness in the face of poor treatment can be an incredible dawah (not to mention is the sunnah of our beloved Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam)). I note that the thing my dad remembered about you was that you wore hijab.

This morning I had a conversation with a colleague who used to manage a large complement of care staff. She mentioned that she usually found that the staff that treated clients terribly (she actually used the words “the most rubbish ones”) were almost without fail, the ones that had problems at home and were miserable. I hope this is not true for you, if it is I hope that Allah (SWT) takes your problems away insh’Allah.

In the meantime, I hope you can take a minute to think of the people you are serving as people, not irritating cattle. You don’t have to be nice, you don’t even have to smile, but at the least I hope you can bring it upon yourself to be civil and professional and talk to people as if they are people. If not, I suggest you find work that doesn’t make you so miserable that you have to take it out on others. I recommend a career change to a back office inputting data into spreadsheets, or to the great outdoors caring for sick ponies – anything that gets you away from decent people that have paid a lot of money to travel.

When asked about the best of the believers, the Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) replied, “They are those who have the best character and manners.” (Sunan At-Tirmidhee: 1162; Sunan Abu Daawood: 4682)

image source

Harlequin Sister: Keeping Our Hijab

I enjoy reading my youngest sisters two blogs - Curly Fries for the eye candy and colour and Harlequin Teaset for the art, humour and quirkiness.  Her most recent post: Keeping Our Hijab was a lot deeper and darker, exploring what it is like to wear hijab in todays world and the perceived change in people's attitudes towards women that wear hijab or niqab:

"In the last few months, or even perhaps year or so, I have felt a little unease – not with my own self-image or internal struggles, but with the external pressures – world events which have increasingly put the spotlight on us, the attitudes of people around us and even the growing islamophobia and fears a lot of us have begun to come across.

These days, I’m feeling a little differently. I think the recent Paris attacks, the ‘Charlie Hebdo’ incident and various terror incidents around the world have caused some sensational headlines and reactions, which is understandable but also a little scary. I’ve noticed it, as I have said, in the small things – the rude comments when going home on the train from white, male strangers, the dirty looks from an older couple who don’t know who I am or what kind of person I am, even the younger generation who have perhaps heard their parents talk about ‘Pakis’ and what we ‘do’, and feel that it is okay to call someone a name. It doesn’t happen a lot, but it has happened. I think my sister described it best – sometimes these people think that it is okay to treat someone like this because they don’t know how to express themselves, and they don’t know how to say to someone ‘I am scared of you because you are different.’ Perhaps too many of them have read dramatic headlines from The Sun and think that because it is printed, it must be right, and perhaps, some of them just need an excuse to channel their frustrations."

You can read the whole article here.

image source

Mama Feeling Fierce: Hijab Fashionista’s and Role Model’s

One thing I love about my relationship about Little Lady is that we have great conversations. These are mainly about books, films, family, school, food and more books. But sometimes they are just about life and our perspective on things.

One recent such conversation came about because she had been watching lots of hijab tutorials. I had asked her to take these with a pinch of salt and with the reminder that modesty comes before fashion and that whatever she wears she must ask herself if Allah (SWT) would be please with her and whether it was fit to pray in. After watching these tutorials on YouTube for a few days, she came marching in one day and announced she was a bit fed up of them all. The thing that was bothering her was the enormous amount of make-up all of the YouTubers she was watching wore. She just wanted to see what they looked like without make-up and in ordinary clothes – i.e. somebody that she could relate to.

That was it, my moment right there. All my concerns regarding the hijab bloggers and the potential to influence her that were on my mind came to the fore. You couldn’t shut me up after that. I did try to be benevolent. I did explain that they wore so much make-up because of the camera’s and because if you don’t wear make-up you look worse than normal on video rather than normal. But that was barely an aside. I explained to her that we all have to find the thing that we are passionate about and that becomes are purpose in life and the medium through which we try to help others. For some this is hijab blogging and helping others to learn how to wear hijab and be modest without feeling frumpy.

I wanted to move the discussion away from hijab bloggers (that’s one for another day!). I asked her to think about whether the most important thing about a woman should be the way she looks, her make-up and what she wears. I asked her to think about what are the things that are most valuable in us. I wanted to talk about some of the amazing women who have inspired me and left me awed because of their compassion, ability, talent and intelligence. I suggested also that some of these women are beautiful in a way that defies stereotypical ideas of beauty.

One example I gave her was of the Indian author and activist Arundhati Roy, I love the passion and lucidity found in her writing (The God of Small Things is a must read) and the fact that she stands up for some of the most vulnerable people in her country in the face of immense criticism and hostility. Her beauty shines through her writing and work. Saying that she is naturally and effortlessly beautiful.

We talked about Angelina Jolie – people might criticise me because she is not Muslim or because of her job, but I remember when she went to Pakistan she dressed modestly and covered her hair out of respect. A few years later (2010) she spoke up to ask people to donate to Pakistan following an earthquake and severe flooding at a time when I recall some influential people were coming out to say these people don’t deserve help and there was talk of donor fatigue (this was at the same time as the devastating Haiti earthquake). She has spoken assertively at UN assemblies about the humanitarian and refugee crisis resulting from the war in Syria , going back again to try to hold the organisation to account and ask why nothing has changed. I like that she makes films about things that matter: the Bosnian war, Japanese POW’s. Again naturally and effortlessly beautiful without six inches of make-up and fake bits.

I explained to Little Lady that she was beautiful but that that was a gift not an achievement to be proud of. I reminded her that as Muslimah’s we need to focus on improving our character more than our looks. Allah (SWT) has done that work for us, he has made us in the best form and we look exactly as He wants us to. But he also made us weak:

Allah would make the burden light for you, for man was created weak. ~ Quran (4:8)

and when we are held to account it is our character that will weigh heaviest on our scales – so what should we be putting our effort into and how?

The best way to improve ourselves I believe is through service to others. The suffering of others puts our lives in context and makes us grateful. Finding ways to help others turns us into problem-solvers and people who take action and make a difference. Fake eyelashes, finding just the right shade of lipstick and having the handbag that all of the other fashionista’s have don’t generally improve your character and make a difference.

I asked her to think about what legacy she wanted to leave for the world – whether as a teacher, scholar, artist, journalist or lawyer (all things she is interested in), how will she use the path she chooses to serve others and please Allah (SWT)? I reminded her we needed to think big – not about hijab and make-up, those were small fry, they were so superficial they weren’t even part of the conversation any more, we should be done with those, we know where we stand and what our obligations are regarding modesty and covering our hijab. We had to move on and aim higher and for greater things than that.

I loved speaking to her about Rabia al-Adawiyya (RA), Rabia of Basra was not beautiful. She was poor, she was a slave and therefore lacked status. Her love for her Creator was so powerful it consumed and overtook everything else for her. Despite her lack of beauty, status and wealth she is admired and remembered centuries later for her asceticism and spiritual devotion, an amazing legacy in a time where the world seems to value money and beauty above anything else.

I hope I inspired her, I hope that I put the seed of a thought in her that takes her away finding the prettiest hijab style to finding the best way to use her strengths to fight for and serve others.

(image source)

image source

Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so - for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward. ~ Quran (33:35)

"...I will not suffer the work of any worker among you to be lost whether male or female, the one of you being from the other..."(Holy Qur’an, 3:195) .

“My value as a woman is not measured by the size of my waist or the number of men who like me. My worth as a human being is measured on a higher scale: a scale of righteousness and piety. And my purpose in life-despite what fashion magazines say-is something more sublime than just looking good for men.” ~ Yasmin Mogahed, Reclaim Your Heart: Personal Insights on Breaking Free from Life's Shackles

"I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny a thousand things, before 'thin'." ~ J K Rowling (source)

Product Review: Heart Hijab Scarves

I was asked by Heart Hijab if I would like to review some hijabs for them.  Heart Hijab sell a wide range of hijabs, as well as abaya's and modest clothing.  They describe themselves as an ethical business who try to keep prices as low as they can, to support sisters with financial difficulties, serve their community and put reward before business.  I liked a quote that they share on their website:

“A truthful and honest trader will be a companion of the prophets, the righteous and the martyrs on the Day of Judgement.” [Tirmidhi]

I mentioned to the sister at Heart Hijab that I liked the look of the ombre effect ones and they sent me one ombre, one very sparkly one and a subtle sparkly one to try out.

The first one I tried was the Vanilla ombre effect hijab.  I love colours that are harmonious more than strongly contrasting to each other, so I love anything shaded in this way. Some of the other colours in this range have a stronger gradient of shading, but this one was quite a light colour and the ombre effect quite subtle.  The shading is across the width of the scarf rather than the length, so you get it all along the scarf when you wear it.

I tried pairing this with both my black and brown abaya's and it looked great with both.  I would wear this to work, but the soft, fairly neutral colour means that I might wear it with an evening or party dress too.

The fabric is very soft rayon and the scarf is a generous size.  I think this first hijab was my favourite of all of the ones I tested.

The second hijab I tried was the purple shimmer hijab.  This was made from a textured jersey type fabric and smaller than the ombre hijab, but about the exact size I like to wear because I find it most manageable.  I was worried about ironing it, but ironed it on the back without any trouble.

This hijab has some serious sparkle and is definitely one for a special occasion.  I think I would wear this with black to really dress up a simple outfit, or as a stole with a plain outfit.  I can imagine someone younger like my daughter really enjoying experimenting with ways to wear this.

The third hijab was the subtle shimmer hijab in grey.  The fabric is viscose with flecks of glitter that show up in the light.  I think I would be more likely to wear this to a wedding or special occasion as it feels easy and elegant.

Overall I found these to be good, reliable hijabs in a good size.  I found the service fantastic and was seriously impressed by Heart Hijabs prices, if I tried them in future I would probably go for the ombre hijabs or the print hijabs for work.

If you are thinking of taking a look, they currently offer free shipping on orders over £15 in the UK and very reasonable shipping to other countries.  They also include a free gift on orders over £23 (excluding postage).

You can find their website here as well as Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram pages.

Don’t call me Aunty….Baldy!

The first time someone called me Aunty, it kind of stopped me in my tracks. I was about 19 or so and thought - me? Aunty? As it was a small child, I thought it was kind of sweet and it made me feel quite grown up. Now many years later I am an aunty to ten children on my husband side and one (plus one to be here soon insh'Allah) on my families side, not to mention the small children of numerous cousins and friends who also call me aunty. It's quite sweet and also polite manners when small children call me Aunty. I don't even mind when it's a teenager, because they are just being polite and probably anyone over 25 looks elderly to them. But I always feel a bit annoyed when it's someone who's closer to 30 (or over) who calls me Aunty.

I'm 34 and my children range from 1 to 11. That’s makes me perfectly suitable to be the aunty of a small child, but still too young to be the aunty of someone who is about three years younger than me. Don’t get me wrong, my youngest half-uncle on my mum's side is 14 and my children's youngest aunt is my one-year old cousin, that’s the kind of thing that happens in big sprawling families where people have been married more than once. But it's not the same as the balding photographer at a wedding who tells you to "stop talking aunty" (I get told to stop talking a lot) or the paunchy guy at the Asian fabric shop who takes your order with a "yes aunty?"

The thing that annoys me is not being seen as older. I have spent half my life hoping to be taken seriously and struggling because I look young. I am not embarrassed about my age either - I am 34 and happy to declare it. What annoys me is that most of these guys seem to do it because I wear hijab and because I am married with children. So basically you are pretty, young and worth paying attention to….or an aunty. This happened at my sister fashionista's wedding. It's tradition in our neck of the woods for the brides sisters to block the stage and not let the groom sit down until he has given them a gift (organised extortion). We agreed before hand that he would pay us in chocolate and my brother-in-law turned up with sacks of chocolate coins (he is a very sweet guy alhamdulillah). His friend had the loot and promptly ignored me and handed them to my two younger sisters and my sister-in-law. The groom kept trying to steer his friend towards me and he kept ignoring me - the heavily pregnant, fat, be-hijabed, abaya-ed loud lady who was asking where her chocolate was. You can imagine I was not impressed with this guy. Especially as this came not long after the moustachioed photographer who looked older than me, called me Aunty.

There is a simple answer to this issue, one that resolves the matter in one small word - "sister". I have to acknowledge that most brothers are perfectly respectful and do call me sister. For those who are slightly confused, i.e. they are 30 but still think they are 16 in their minds, it's better to be in the safe side and unless the lady you are speaking to very clearly looks about your mum's age, call her sister. For the rest who have no manners and split women up into "hotties" and "notties" (i.e. everyone else), better to be careful and use the term sister, or I might respond to "excuse me aunty" with "yes baldy?"

The Practicalities of Wearing an Abayah

When I think of the abayh, the long, loose dress that many Muslim women wear, I think of how elegant it looks:

image source

or how chic:

image source

or how smart and conservative:

image source

When I see sisters wearing it, I usually think the same, especially some of the younger sisters who really know how to make it look stylish.  I have been wearing mine since I was expecting Little Man (who is nine now), dispensing of the need for maternity wear for the office in  the process.

In reality though, there are some things you find out only once you start wearing it.  Some are good things.  For instance it’s like the Muslim version of the Little Black Dress, you have a neat capsule wardrobe that goes from work to weekend, to evening just through changing your shoes and scarf.  My lovely husband hasn't had to listen to complaints of “I haven’t got anything to wear” for years:

My weekend/work look:

My interview/get serious at work look:

My going out/visiting/summer day trips look:

(The images above are from a guest post I did at Kook's fashion blog some time ago here).

I also like that you can camouflage things like weight gain or when you've had too much salad (ahem) for lunch.  I was wearing my navy abayah (which I usually wear for interviews) when I went for a job interview during the time I was expecting Gorgeous.  It was only after I got the job and negotiated my travel allowance that I mentioned I was seven months pregnant.  I will never forget the look on that managers face.  But I was a bit amazed that no-one had noticed.

It’s funny how it affects other people too.  I don’t believe that what you wear is an automatic indicator of your morals or character, but sometimes people just seem to think so.  They hold doors open for you, traffic stops for you and brothers seem to become a little protective of you too.  A friend of mine started to wear it and exclaimed to me – “I had no idea, traffic just stops for you to cross the road.  I think all women deserve to be treated with respect, but if you want to be extra nice to me, I don’t mind.

On the other hand there are some things that are not so elegant or chic.  I occasionally find myself falling upstairs.  Funnily,  it’s never downstairs, but only up when your foot catches in your abaya as you raise it to the next step.  So now alongside holding on to my bag, baby and anything that happens to be in my hand, I usually hold up the front of my abayah too.  I'm also quite scared of getting stuck in an elevator.  It’s never happened thankfully, but I wonder what I would do if it did.  I can just imagine people commenting on what a ridiculous idea it is to wear this kind of clothing anyway – “well what did she expect?”

Every time I need a pint of milk or the bread has run out, I have to put my abayah and scarf on to across the road.  At first this annoyed the hell out of me and I used to ask hubby.  But when I kept asking for a couple of things in a row, it started to annoy the hell out of him.  So now I go myself, or we take turns.  I can’t wait until Little Man is about 16, then I can let him go across the road with his big sister to get the ingredients I remember in the middle of cooking.

There’s also the length of abayah’s to think of.  Over the years my abayah’s have gotten longer, partly because I love how elegant it looks and partly because every time I give one to the seamstress to use as a template she makes my new one a little longer.  So when you walk, no one can see your feet.  I told my little sister Kooks, it looks like you are gliding along.  She replied, “Yes, just like a dementor”. 

image source

The only problem with this is that unlike the elegant fashion shots, the bottom of your abaya gets absolutely filthy every time you go out, especially if it rains, which it does now and again in London.  So now I have my long ones for work or visiting and a shorter one that sits just below my ankles for weekends and running to the shops

Those things aren't meant to put you off wearing it if you are considering it.  For me the benefits of simplicity, elegance (if you ignore the mud at the bottom), practicality and comfort outweigh the inconveniences, which I am use to.  I suppose the main thing is the reason why I first started wearing.  It was because I felt in a good place with my faith at that time, had some strong, positive sister around me and wanted to please Allah (SWT).  I felt awkward, unattractive and unprofessional for work, but that did not put me off.

Now I feel great and love wearing abayah.  I have found a comfortable, modest A-line shape that suits me that I can throw over anything.  I also used to notice the Somali sisters in my neighbourhood holding up the front of their abaya slightly, ever so elegantly and wondered why they did it.  As mine got longer, I caught on and do the same and pretend I am ladylike and chic like them and I glide along (no when ever notices the grubby hem anyway).