A New Golden Age: A New Golden Axe

Back when Peter Jackson was putting the finishing touches to the sheep exploding scene in the seminal Bad Taste, the only way you could revisit the world of Middle-earth was to sit down at your Super NES and sob your way through Interplay's disastrous adaptation. Or play the role-playing game. Or actually sit down and complete the book trilogy over the course of several months. But whatever your decision, you knew you were in for ponderous plodding instead of over-extended battle sequences.

Now that everyone's attention spans have shortened almost to the point of retardation, along comes everyone's favorite video game conglomerate juggernaut to make sure bottom lines are met, thinking is shelved, and over-extended battle sequences are not only encouraged, but ordered. In return, gamers are asked to pound different joypad buttons incessantly as well-realized rendered fighting explodes all over their consoles. Just enough of your higher brain function is required for a teensy bit of skill awarding for your character, but there's no pathos, no intricate gallivanting around Hobbiton, and no time to gasp for breath. Pick one of three members of the Fellowship (the combat savvy ones, but no Hobbits or wizards), and throw them against dozens and dozens of orcs, goblins, and Uruk Hai. The result is a surprisingly pleasing (and disjointed) pseudo-3D hack-and-slashathon in the style of Sega's Golden Axe. And it's not half bad.

After an introduction straight from the beginning of the initial movie (which can't be skipped, annoyingly), you're brought kicking and screaming into the cut-and-thrust world of Middle-earth, courtesy of a bit of sword-swinging as Isildur, just prior to Sauron's wrist problems and the grabbing of the Ring.

Once this is over (and you're given rudimentary commands to carry out, such as fierce and regular attack strikes), the story gallops forward to the Dark Rider versus Frodo confrontation atop Weathertop. You stride into battle as Strider, finding your mighty sword no match for the hooded ex-monarchs. Instead, after a brief trial by fire, you'll send them packing, and the real adventure can begin. The remaining stages allow you to choose Gimli, Legolas, or Aragorn to control, and their individual nuances and battle techniques are just different enough to cajole you into completing the remaining ten or so levels with each character. You'd better, or the game's over in about eight hours.

Legolas Man Standing

As we've all witnessed the pretty damn special Two Towers movie, now is the ideal time to play through the game, without ruining the second film's experience. Or, you can play the first four levels, stop and go to the cinema, and then come back again without having the film spoiled for you; despite the title of this game, only around 60 percent of the action is related to the second movie. The game ends naturally with a massive Helms Deep excursion that makes the less-thrilling stages (such as a tiresome woodland romp through the annoyingly narrow pathways of Fangorn Forest) seem more crappy than they actually are.

As you'd expect, all the key elements in the first two movies are available, such as a skedaddle through the Misty Mountains, a fracas with the Watcher at the gate, a Tomb of Balin one-room carnage-filled melee, a romp through an Uruk Hai-filled forest, and then onwards into Two Towers territory. After the forest, there's the Plains of Rohan, a Mordor confrontation, and the final stand at Helms Deep. One brief and tangential worrying point: If all this can be completed in well under ten hours, just how long is E.A.'s sequel -- Return of the King -- going to be? Thirty-five minutes?

With the game's entire premise on the here-and-now hacking, you'd expect the fighting system to be comprehensive, and it's certainly on its way to being deep. Despite each character fighting in exactly the same basic manner (with a quick attack, a strong one, a ranged one, a kick, a block, and a ground-stabbing finishing maneuver), they begin to diversify as you gain more and more experience. Depending upon how well (or ineptly) you defeat each enemy, you'll be awarded with additional health, more impressive weaponry and arrows, and special button combo moves that cleave Uruk Hai asunder like a spoon through Saruman-created Jello.

The exact calculations are steeped in mystery, but the utilized extremely sterile video game terminology that serves to completely remove you from the unfolding epic, and plonk you back in the world of "purchasing upgrade points." Nice work E.A! You've built up a sense of unfolding excitement by morphing film cutscenes into in-game graphics, scoured both movies for the most fraught of battles ... and then ruined our in-game "high" by malicious use of modern phrasing and hum-drum experience point calculations.