FIRE JOE MORGAN

Several people point us to this giddy bit of craziness from our old pal Ozzie Guillen, via the Trib:

Spring training won't be dull if White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has his way.

He's gonna call someone a fag again?! Great!

As Guillen talked Tuesday about the additions of third-base coach Jeff Cox and bullpen coach Juan Nieves to his staff, he emphasized the Sox will change their preparation radically in an effort to improve dramatically from their 90-loss season.

"You're going to see a lot of crazy stuff in spring training, regardless of the baserunning," Guillen said during a conference call.

Let me just say that Ozzie Guillen is pretty clearly already crazy, based on the quotations you will find if you search for his name on this blog. So when he says, "You're going to see a lot of crazy stuff in spring training," he's basically saying he's going to like drive a Volvo onto the field in the middle of the game, and dress his players up like '30s gangsters, and maybe have guys run right across the mound to second on grounders to the infield, and possibly like fire guns in the air during pre-game pepper drills.

"You're going to see hit-and-run [plays] when it's not a hit-and-run situation. You're going to see people bunting when it's not a bunting situation.

That...that is awesome. A guy who already loves to do two stupid things -- bunt and hit-and-run -- is now telling us that he is going to start doing these things more. Doing them when the situation doesn't even "call" for them. This is the equivalent of saying, "I'm going to start intentionally walking guys with runners on first and second with no outs after an 0-2 count." Or: "I am going to buy extended warranties from Circuit City for products I didn't even purchase."

"Maybe people are going to criticize me for the way we're playing in spring training, but we have to go with a different approach. In spring training we're going to turn the switch on right away."

Someone should remind Dumb-Dumb here that the 2005 team that won the WS was 4th in the league in HR, first in caught-stealings, and had four great starters and a fantastically over-performing bullpen. They did not win because they didn't bunt enough. They won despite how much they bunted and foolishly got caught stealing. Ozzie Guillen is a moron.

Even before Guillen fired Razor Shines and hired Cox to take over, he hinted at such changes.

Cox, 51, will take on more duties in overseeing the bunting and hit-and-run drills, along with former major-league manager Buddy Bell, who was named director of minor league instruction and will help implement the emphasis on bunting and situational hitting at all levels.

Someone in Chicago needs to stop these people. They are dooming this franchise to another 100 years of title-less baseball.

Guillen worked with Cox for three seasons in Montreal and Florida (2001-03) but became impressed with Cox's work in Kansas City in 1995 and said his upbeat personality could fulfill the humor that was missing last year when goofy bullpen catcher Man Soo Lee returned to South Korea.

Reasons the White Sox Stunk Last Year: aging players, injuries, bad starting pitching, bad relief pitching, too much bunting, too much dumb strategy, not enough good hitters.

Not a Reason the White Sox Stunk Last Year: humor void caused by goofy bullpen catcher Man Soo Lee returning to South Korea.

Cox played in 61 games with Oakland in 1980-81. He put down 11 sacrifice bunts in 59 games with the Athletics in 1980, including four squeeze bunts.

Yup. That's the dude you want instructing your hitters. The guy who hit .213/.273/.231 with a 45 OPS+.

The Sox have been lacking in executing hitting fundamentals over the last two seasons. They struck out 1,149 times in 2006 and their .318 on-base percentage was the worst in the majors.

The strikeouts are meaningless. The 2004 Red Sox led the league in Ks and won the World Series. Philly, Colorado, and Cleveland were all in the top 7 in MLB in Ks this year and they all made the playoffs. It's the OBP you should worry about. You know what doesn't increase a team OBP? Sac bunts, dumbasses.

"I'm tired of being afraid to put on the hit-and-run because we don't know if we're going to put it in play," Guillen said. "I'm tired of striking out.

Hey -- I have an idea. Don't put on the hit-and-run.

Guillen warned everyone not to be surprised if A.J. Pierzynski is laying down a bunt or executing a hit-and-run in spring training, and that even the core hitters (Paul Konerko, Jim Thome and Jermaine Dye) will be asked to work on situational hitting.

You seriously want to try to make Jim Thome try to move runners over with ground balls? You want to make Paul Konerko go the other way, instead of letting him just do his thing? Really? That's your solution? Trying to strip your only power hitters of their power? What else you got in store for the off-season, genius? You going to sign David Eck--

The Sox could give [SS Juan] Uribe a $300,000 buyout and attempt to re-sign him if they fail to land a free agent like David Eckstein, who can bat leadoff and play shortstop, or fail to trade for a younger shortstop.

Eck and the ChiSox. A match made in heaven.

Labels: david eckstein, ozzie guillen, smartball

It's been awhile, but nothing gets the blood going like some Ozzie Guillen and some Darin Erstad -- now in one convenient South Side package!

First up, Ozziesmartball Smallballguillen, the professor of wrong, has commenced 2007 by continuing to be totally misguided about baseball things and is already being praised for it.

Ozzie: The appetite's back

Four words in, and you know the article's going to be a gem.

Sox skipper 'hungry' to make up for '06, starting with bunts

So problematic it's almost a parody of itself. The White Sox manager, a man who will play zero minutes of baseball this year, will singlehandedly "make up" for the last season (which he also managed) solely because he is "hungry" and he will do this by bunting, generally a poor strategy.

Guys, this is so crazy it just might work. I think we can blow this asteroid up with a crackerjack team of the world's best drillers.

Come Saturday, Ozzie Guillen returns to his comfort zone.

That means White Sox pitchers and catchers report to ''Camp Ozzie 2007'' prepared to hear four-letter expletives and one-liners from their fiery manager. But jokes won't be the only thing Guillen is cracking this spring.

Throw in a whip this time around.

Throw in an iron maiden. Throw in a medieval torture rack. Draw and quarter Joe Crede in center field. It won't matter. 2006 wasn't about guys not being hungry. It was about pitching.

Your pitching wasn't as flukily good as it was in 2005. Got it?

Fact is, Guillen's offseason, which began as disappointment when the regular season ended and the Sox failed to defend their 2005 World Series title, turned to embarrassment by the holidays.

Because of the pitching. This is not hard to understand.

2005 White Sox ERA: 3.61 (3rd in baseball)
2006 White Sox ERA: 4.61 (21st in baseball)

In 2005 tons of guys had career years and the staff was extraordinarily healthy. You weren't so lucky in 2006. The end.

Now, Guillen says, it's hunger.

Good luck parlaying your metaphorical hunger into another set of Neal Cotts and Cliff Polittes. By the way, how much of Ozzie Guillen's managing genius can be attributed to these two randomly fluctuating middle relievers?

Neal Cotts 2005: ERA 1.94, WHIP 1.11
Neal Cotts 2006: ERA 5.17, WHIP 1.63

Cliff Politte 2005: ERA 2.00, WHIP 0.94
Cliff Politte 2006: ERA 8.70, WHIP 2.07

SO UNHUNGRY IN 2006.

'They got a little taste of the success and winning the World Series, and you want to get it back,'' he said recently of his players. ''They are mad because we didn't win it last year. They are hungry to do it again.''

Good. Great. Neal, Cliff, give me your hungry 2005 stats again. Oh wait. You're not even on the team anymore.

That's also when the phone calls to bench coach and good friend Joey Cora became more frequent. Cora has been Guillen's right-hand man the last three seasons and is in charge of putting together the Sox' spring-training program.

The continued message to Cora was, ''Let's get back to small ball.'' Far too often in 2006, Sox hitters failed to move the runner or get the bunt down in key situations.

Yee-ha! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I cannot believe that anyone believes that the problem with the 2006 White Sox was a lack of smallball -- and yet the only person whose opinion matters believes just that. Bunting? The team ERA went up an entire run and we're talking about bunting?

Plus, Jesus, just take one second and look at this:

2005 White Sox Runs Scored: 741 (13th in baseball)
2006 White Sox Runs Scored: 868 (3rd in baseball)

I guess what I'm saying is your offense made a quantum leap forward in 2006. Your offense was the only reason you weren't 15 games out of the playoff race.

At the Tucson, Ariz., training facility, Cora has designated a special field that will be used for ''Bunting 101,'' and only a few Sox players have a pass.

The good ones.

"Everyone has to go through it besides [Jermaine] Dye, [Paul] Konerko and [Jim] Thome."

Exactly.

''We have a different way. We're going to play games -- give bunt situations, give pointers, the way they used to teach. We're going to make it fun, but they're not going to [expletive] around. I'll be in charge on that field because we have to do stuff better.''

Not saying this stuff is going to hurt the team -- okay, it might -- but seriously, this seems like a misuse of time and resources. The team was third in runs scored last year. Thome and Dye should be worse than last year, so there's that, but the answer to a problem that doesn't exist is not bunting. It's not.

I would also say that in a certain way, practicing bunting over and over again sort of is [expletive] around.

Guillen also will play mad scientist this spring, moving the top and bottom of the lineup around regularly in hopes of finding a solid formula.

Guillen will play mad scientist with a lineup that scored the third most runs in baseball to the New York Yankees and the Cleveland Indians. My guess? Erstad hits 2nd, 6th, and 8th and OPSes a hungry .590 in 1800 at bats.

While Guillen has a hands-off mentality regarding the pitching staff, he and pitching coach Don Cooper do have a message for the entire staff, as well as the minor-leaguers.

That message is: magically rekindle the improbable run of health and quality you experienced in 2005 that made people think Ozzie Guillen knew what the hell he was doing.

---

And now, Part 2, wherein we once again encounter the notion that the White Sox' offense and its lack of smallness was the reason for their non-championship-winning ways. Plus, Erstad.

TUCSON, Ariz. – Darin Erstad and the White Sox. Now there’s a match made in OzzieBall heaven.

Now there's a giant turd of a lede.

He’d run over your mother to catch a flyball, and he just might run over his own mother if she tried to block home plate.

He just might punt your mother in the tits because when this guy punts he punts to win and he sometimes thinks breasts are footballs.

His body is beaten up, not from his days as a college football player

(punter)

at Nebraska or a high school hockey star in North Dakota

Holy. Shitfuck. Add that to the Darin Erstad resume, quick. Opens up a whole new world of toughness metaphors and similies. "Darin Erstad plays baseball like he plays football. And he plays football like he plays hockey. With a stick that he uses to hit people with."

From now on, The Punter shall be referred to as The Highschoolhockeystar.

When healthy, Erstad is similar to Aaron Rowand, the popular, fence-crashing center fielder who was the classic “grinder” for the ’05 Sox. Except Erstad is faster and stronger.

And he parlays that speed and strength into hitting really, really atrociously. Like scary bad. Pokey Reese shit. I'm exaggerating. But here are Erstad's post-2000 EqA seasons: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.

“The fans of Chicago,” Guillen said, “will appreciate the way this kid plays.”

I bet they will. Dirty-hat type guy. Still: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.

Yes, the White Sox lost their way and relied too much on home runs last season, but they hit a lot of homers in 2005, too.

Here we go again. They lost their way to the tune of 127 additional runs. Adding a crazy-good Jim Thome will do that.

The difference? In ’05, they were aggressive on the bases. They bunted. They hit behind runners. They broke up double plays. They risked bodily harm to make sensational catches. They constantly put pressure on opponents.

They scored 127 fewer runs. They rode a scintillating pitching staff to unwarranted acclaim. They subjected us to way too much Ozzie Guillen.

They were 13th in runs scored. They scored fewer runs than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. They on-based worse than the Cubs and the Orioles and the same as the Nationals and the Astros and the Pirates.

Offensively, they weren't that good. And now we have to hear about how Ozzie Guillen is revamping his far better 2006 offense to be more like the shittier, less effective, decidedly mediocre 2005 version.

Baseball's back!

Labels: darin erstad, highschoolhockeystar, joe cowley, ozzie guillen, ozzieball, punter, smallball, smartball, white sox

I know this isn't misguided sports commentary, but how about newly-annointed genius manager Ozzie Guillen's comments after last night's loss to the Yankees (the ChiSox' 7th in a row)?

From the Sun Times:

"I'm sick and tired about all nine guys,'' Guillen said after a question about third baseman Joe Crede's 0-for-14 slump. "I don't like to criticize my players, but you get sick to your stomach. We're having terrible at-bats, and when you do that, you lose. It's not always easy to get a base hit, but good at-bats, I expect that from everyone.

"It's a shame because the way they [players] shake their heads, it's like they feel sorry for themselves. People should stop feeling sorry for themselves. If you're a baseball player and feel sorry for yourself, you're in the wrong business.''

Guillen feels more sorry for fans.

"Sometimes you get sick of watching the same thing the last two weeks. You're putting my hitting coach and [general manager] Kenny Williams and me at fault. When you struggle, it should be us to blame. But I don't want Greg Walker [hitting coach] and Kenny and my staff to be blamed.''

That's the way to lead, Ozzie! You were the catalyst when they were winning, but in no way are you to blame now, right? Great job. Nicely done.

Labels: ozzie guillen, smartball

Technically this is not about anyone's sports commentary. But, since the whole world is ball-washing Ozzie Guillen this year, here's some Smartball:

ChiSox down 2-0 in the ninth. Guillen has Bobby Jenks, who got two K's on nine pitches yesterday, and who throws like 130 MPH with a 102 MPH 12-6 curve that literally made Kevin Millar forget how to play baseball, in the pen. Instead, he left Damaso Marte in to pitch to Varitek, who has a 1.117 OPS against lefties and an .803 OPS against righties. Varitek promptly homered to give the Sox a 3-0 lead.

The ChiSox knocked the crap out of the ball in the bottom of the inning, but didn't score. However, the first two guys singled, and if not for Varitek, the tying run would have been on first with nobody out. Ironically, Guillen probably would have had Aaron Rowand bunt to get them over, and if he'd been successful...who knows?

The point is, what exactly does "Smartball" mean, especially when applied to the pitching staff? And how is it smart? Wouldn't it have been smarter to look at a piece of paper that told you never to have Jason Varitek hit right handed, if you can avoid it?

But maybe I'm wrong. I've been reading Buzz Blunderson's shitty book all day, and have come to realize that just a numbers-cruncher who hates baseball.

Labels: ozzie guillen, smartball

...on BBTN just praised Ozzie Guillen. Why? Because in the ninth inning, with his team down by one, AJ Pierzynski struck out looking and flipped his bat in disgust, and was tossed, and Ozzie came flying out of the dugout like some kind of crazed bat and argued with the home plate ump for like three minutes. He should have been thrown out, but for some reason, was not.

But the point is, Brantley praised this "great managerial move," because, Brantley claimed, it "left Huston Street standing out there [on the mound]" for a long time, and then Street "left a pitch out over the plate" that Timo Perez drove into left center to tie the game. (The ChiSox lost in extras.)

The cult of Ozzie and "Smart Ball" (read: dumb ball) has gone so far that analysts are now claiming that when Ozzie goes berzerk and screams at umps, he is doing so because he is calmly and calculatedly trying to "ice" a relief pitcher. As if that would work. And as if Ozzie Guillen, who is an emotionally high-strung wind-up toy, would ever, EVER, have a psychologically complex motive like that in the heat of battle.

Can everybody please, please shut up about how brilliant Ozzie Guillen is?

Please?

Labels: jeff brantley, ozzie guillen, smartball