FIRE JOE MORGAN

It's come to this: Ozzie Guillen saying out loud that he wishes he had a daughter so Derek Jeter could fuck her. In the already crowded Hall of Fame of Jeterbole (you can figure that portmanteau out), this is going to get its own wing.

"I keep saying the best [Yankees] player who ever happened—bigger than someone else, but I'm not going to say the name here—is Derek Jeter," Guillen began, perched in the Sox dugout.

Is "best player who ever happened" some weird, different category from "best player ever"? It certainly must have nothing to do with, I don't know, being good at baseball. Because Derek Jeter is terrific, spectacular, amazing at baseball (mostly). But he's nowhere near the best Yankee ever. I know it's tough, but I've always tended to think Mr. Babeland Ruthlor was the best. That's probably because I've always got my head buried in a book full of computers!

"Derek Jeter has everything in his life. He's got money. He's got rings. He's got …"

Guillen paused, because timing means everything in comedy.

"He's not married."

Well, yes. I suppose money should factor in the discussion of best Yankee who ever happened. In which case, I nominate whoever plays 3rd space base for the Intergalactic Space Yankees in the year 30-Space-40. He will make 3 alpha credits per year, which is a ton of alpha credits if you know anything about that sort of thing.

"At the All-Star Game (where Guillen managed him in 2006), I looked around to see if he has anything I don't like. No. He's the perfect man. Too bad I don't have a daughter."

Calling out Ozzie Guillen for saying crazy things is like calling Robin Williams out for being ... really really funny! I love you, Robin. Big fan of RV. Anyway, here's the part where Ozzie talks about wishing he had a daughter so Jeter could get all up in that hot mess. I always sort of thought Ozzie would raise his daughter to like guys with shittier OBPs, though. Then little female Ozzie could rebel and date Jack Cust or something.

Let's also not overlook the fact that Ozzie went all the way to "He's the perfect man" to describe Jeter. We've reached the point where you can't outdo other Jeter-praisers with talk of baseball or sports or sportsmanship or leadership. You have to go to overall quality of personhood. I look forward to the day when Time Magazine crowns Jeter "Invention of the Millennium."

"He's the best thing ever in the game. He's got everything he wants. He lives in New York. Even [ George] Steinbrenner loves him. Nobody is better than Derek Jeter in the game. Nobody."

There's one thing Derek Jeter doesn't have: true love.

Labels: derek jeter, ozzie guillen

Several people point us to this giddy bit of craziness from our old pal Ozzie Guillen, via the Trib:

Spring training won't be dull if White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has his way.

He's gonna call someone a fag again?! Great!

As Guillen talked Tuesday about the additions of third-base coach Jeff Cox and bullpen coach Juan Nieves to his staff, he emphasized the Sox will change their preparation radically in an effort to improve dramatically from their 90-loss season.

"You're going to see a lot of crazy stuff in spring training, regardless of the baserunning," Guillen said during a conference call.

Let me just say that Ozzie Guillen is pretty clearly already crazy, based on the quotations you will find if you search for his name on this blog. So when he says, "You're going to see a lot of crazy stuff in spring training," he's basically saying he's going to like drive a Volvo onto the field in the middle of the game, and dress his players up like '30s gangsters, and maybe have guys run right across the mound to second on grounders to the infield, and possibly like fire guns in the air during pre-game pepper drills.

"You're going to see hit-and-run [plays] when it's not a hit-and-run situation. You're going to see people bunting when it's not a bunting situation.

That...that is awesome. A guy who already loves to do two stupid things -- bunt and hit-and-run -- is now telling us that he is going to start doing these things more. Doing them when the situation doesn't even "call" for them. This is the equivalent of saying, "I'm going to start intentionally walking guys with runners on first and second with no outs after an 0-2 count." Or: "I am going to buy extended warranties from Circuit City for products I didn't even purchase."

"Maybe people are going to criticize me for the way we're playing in spring training, but we have to go with a different approach. In spring training we're going to turn the switch on right away."

Someone should remind Dumb-Dumb here that the 2005 team that won the WS was 4th in the league in HR, first in caught-stealings, and had four great starters and a fantastically over-performing bullpen. They did not win because they didn't bunt enough. They won despite how much they bunted and foolishly got caught stealing. Ozzie Guillen is a moron.

Even before Guillen fired Razor Shines and hired Cox to take over, he hinted at such changes.

Cox, 51, will take on more duties in overseeing the bunting and hit-and-run drills, along with former major-league manager Buddy Bell, who was named director of minor league instruction and will help implement the emphasis on bunting and situational hitting at all levels.

Someone in Chicago needs to stop these people. They are dooming this franchise to another 100 years of title-less baseball.

Guillen worked with Cox for three seasons in Montreal and Florida (2001-03) but became impressed with Cox's work in Kansas City in 1995 and said his upbeat personality could fulfill the humor that was missing last year when goofy bullpen catcher Man Soo Lee returned to South Korea.

Reasons the White Sox Stunk Last Year: aging players, injuries, bad starting pitching, bad relief pitching, too much bunting, too much dumb strategy, not enough good hitters.

Not a Reason the White Sox Stunk Last Year: humor void caused by goofy bullpen catcher Man Soo Lee returning to South Korea.

Cox played in 61 games with Oakland in 1980-81. He put down 11 sacrifice bunts in 59 games with the Athletics in 1980, including four squeeze bunts.

Yup. That's the dude you want instructing your hitters. The guy who hit .213/.273/.231 with a 45 OPS+.

The Sox have been lacking in executing hitting fundamentals over the last two seasons. They struck out 1,149 times in 2006 and their .318 on-base percentage was the worst in the majors.

The strikeouts are meaningless. The 2004 Red Sox led the league in Ks and won the World Series. Philly, Colorado, and Cleveland were all in the top 7 in MLB in Ks this year and they all made the playoffs. It's the OBP you should worry about. You know what doesn't increase a team OBP? Sac bunts, dumbasses.

"I'm tired of being afraid to put on the hit-and-run because we don't know if we're going to put it in play," Guillen said. "I'm tired of striking out.

Hey -- I have an idea. Don't put on the hit-and-run.

Guillen warned everyone not to be surprised if A.J. Pierzynski is laying down a bunt or executing a hit-and-run in spring training, and that even the core hitters (Paul Konerko, Jim Thome and Jermaine Dye) will be asked to work on situational hitting.

You seriously want to try to make Jim Thome try to move runners over with ground balls? You want to make Paul Konerko go the other way, instead of letting him just do his thing? Really? That's your solution? Trying to strip your only power hitters of their power? What else you got in store for the off-season, genius? You going to sign David Eck--

The Sox could give [SS Juan] Uribe a $300,000 buyout and attempt to re-sign him if they fail to land a free agent like David Eckstein, who can bat leadoff and play shortstop, or fail to trade for a younger shortstop.

Eck and the ChiSox. A match made in heaven.

Labels: david eckstein, ozzie guillen, smartball

Not content with a horrible 2007, the White Sox have decided to lock in a horrible 2008-2012.

Congratulations, White Sox fans. Five more years of CrazyBall.

Labels: ozzie guillen, white sox

Yesterday the White Sox dropped two games in dismal fashion to the Red Sox. Ozzie Guillen, post-game:

"A tough day for everyone. Pitching, hitting, defense. You just name it. I think that's one of the reasons they're in first place and we're in last place."

Pitching, hitting, defense. One of the reasons the Red Sox are in first place and the White Sox are in last.

He thinks.

Labels: ozzie guillen, red sox, white sox

Reader Chris writes in with some updates on our favorite MLB announcers:

In the bottom of the sixth, Hawk and DJ have eclipsed all past displays of ignorance. In regards to the abysmal season the White Sox have been having (and, as a Sox fan, it's been excruciating for me), the two dropped these gems:

DJ: ...Not in the minds of the coaching staff or the front office.
Hawk:  Well, nobody could see it coming.  It's just that simple.

Then:

DJ:  Nobody knew or could have foreseen the Sox playing the way they
have this year.  If anybody could have explained it to them earlier in the
year [Ozzie] probably would have slapped him in the head and walked
away.

later...

DJ:...It's been uncanny, nobody could truly explain it.  Nobody foresaw
this kind of turnaround.

I will refer Messrs. Hawk and DJ to this post from March, referencing an article that discusses how a computer predicted the ChiSox would go 72-90.

And I would also invite Ozzie Guillen to "slap [the computer] in the head and walk away." Because I would like to see what that looks like.

Labels: computers, hawk harrelson and dj, ozzie guillen, pecota, white sox

Toni Ginnetti of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote a little piece on Pablo Ozuna's injury. The headline of this article is:

Ozzie on Ozuna: He's Irreplaceable.

Irreplaceable.

Now, I know that utility guys are often key pieces of their teams' success, given their flexibility and "gutsy spirit" and all that. But what strikes me as semantically amusing about Ozzie Guillen's declaration is that Pablo Ozuna's WARP, or Wins Above Replacement Player, is -0.1. His WARP2 is 0.0, and his WARP3, adjusted for all-time, is 0.1.

Thus: Pablo Ozuna, this year, is virtually the very definition of "replaceable."

Labels: ozzie guillen, pablo ozuna, white sox

"I don't mind when people [try to] steal bases and they are out," Guillen said.

Go here, for an article that posits that losing Scott Podsednik was maybe as bad for the ChiSox' offense as losing Jim Thome.

Labels: ozzie guillen, scott podsednik

Proving that he has learned nothing from anything he has ever seen or been told, Ozzie Guillen is installing a couple of real grinders at the top of his line-up.

In a move that paves the way for Tadahito Iguchi to drop down in the batting order, manager Ozzie Guillen said Sunday he plans to bat Darin Erstad second against right-handed starters.

Here are some numbers for you to look at. Each one represents Darin Erstad's OBP, in one of the last six years.

.279
.325
.346
.309
.313
.331

Those are bad numbers!

Here are two other numbers: Tad Iguchi's OBP's for the last two years.

.352
.342

Not wonderful. But better than Erstad's.

What's truly crazy about this, is that Iguchi hits righties well. Last year he was .298/.363/.438, so he got on base more effectively against righties than lefties. Slugged better against 'em, too. And yet, because Darin Erstad is left handed -- which, as we all know, means that regardless of what the factual numbers say, he hits righties better than someone who is right-handed, like Tad Iguchi -- he will hit second.

"[Scott Podsednik] is a better leadoff guy, and [Erstad] handles the bat better than Pods in hit-and-run situations," Guillen said. "We can play games even though Pods is our leadoff guy."

Let's break this down.

"Scott Podsednik is a better leadoff guy"

Than who? Iguchi? No. There are millions of pieces of evidence that prove differently. Than Darin Erstad? Maybe. But Erstad played hockey and punted footballs. So fuck you, stat nerds.

"[Erstad] handles the bat better than Pods in hit-and-run situations."

Oh my God. Ozzie Guillen is planning on winning games by playing hit-and-run with Darin Erstad and Scott Podsednik. Prediction: the White Sox score 150 runs this year.

"We can play games even though Pods is our leadoff guy."

True. One game you might try playing is baseball. One good way to play baseball effectively is to put men who get on base a lot in front of men who hit HR a lot. You have chosen to play a different game: RunIntoOutsBall, which is played by hitting Darin Erstad second in your line-up and hitting and running a lot. Another game you are playing is: OutsBall, (also called "SmartBall") which is played by hitting Scott Podsednik and Darin Erstad 1-2 in your line-up. The goal is to make as many outs as possible at the top of your line-up. The ChiSox are getting 1-8 odds to win the World Series of Outs this year. Even so, I have bet everything I own on them.

Over the previous three seasons with the Angels, Erstad has a higher batting average from the second spot (.277) than the leadoff spot (.259).

First of all, this difference in averages is barely anything. Second, they are both terrible. Third, Erstad is terrible. Fourth, hitting him second is a terrible idea. Fifth, Erstad = terrible. Sixth, terrible. Seventherrible. Eterrible. Terriblenth. And tenth, you are a terrible manager, Ozzie Guillen.

And finally, here's this nugget:

Podsednik has batted leadoff since becoming a full-time player with Milwaukee in 2003, and his quick recovery from a Jan. 23 sports hernia operation has fueled Guillen's faith in him from the leadoff spot after a poor 2006 season.

I'll translate this for you: Scott Podsednik has been not good for the last three years. Then he had a gruesome injury and is just now recovering from it. So... he'll be awesome!

Podsednik went 0-for-7 Sunday with a stolen base in a minor-league game against Colorado in Tucson.

See? He'll be awesome!

Labels: darin erstad, grinders, ozzie guillen, scott podsednik

It's been awhile, but nothing gets the blood going like some Ozzie Guillen and some Darin Erstad -- now in one convenient South Side package!

First up, Ozziesmartball Smallballguillen, the professor of wrong, has commenced 2007 by continuing to be totally misguided about baseball things and is already being praised for it.

Ozzie: The appetite's back

Four words in, and you know the article's going to be a gem.

Sox skipper 'hungry' to make up for '06, starting with bunts

So problematic it's almost a parody of itself. The White Sox manager, a man who will play zero minutes of baseball this year, will singlehandedly "make up" for the last season (which he also managed) solely because he is "hungry" and he will do this by bunting, generally a poor strategy.

Guys, this is so crazy it just might work. I think we can blow this asteroid up with a crackerjack team of the world's best drillers.

Come Saturday, Ozzie Guillen returns to his comfort zone.

That means White Sox pitchers and catchers report to ''Camp Ozzie 2007'' prepared to hear four-letter expletives and one-liners from their fiery manager. But jokes won't be the only thing Guillen is cracking this spring.

Throw in a whip this time around.

Throw in an iron maiden. Throw in a medieval torture rack. Draw and quarter Joe Crede in center field. It won't matter. 2006 wasn't about guys not being hungry. It was about pitching.

Your pitching wasn't as flukily good as it was in 2005. Got it?

Fact is, Guillen's offseason, which began as disappointment when the regular season ended and the Sox failed to defend their 2005 World Series title, turned to embarrassment by the holidays.

Because of the pitching. This is not hard to understand.

2005 White Sox ERA: 3.61 (3rd in baseball)
2006 White Sox ERA: 4.61 (21st in baseball)

In 2005 tons of guys had career years and the staff was extraordinarily healthy. You weren't so lucky in 2006. The end.

Now, Guillen says, it's hunger.

Good luck parlaying your metaphorical hunger into another set of Neal Cotts and Cliff Polittes. By the way, how much of Ozzie Guillen's managing genius can be attributed to these two randomly fluctuating middle relievers?

Neal Cotts 2005: ERA 1.94, WHIP 1.11
Neal Cotts 2006: ERA 5.17, WHIP 1.63

Cliff Politte 2005: ERA 2.00, WHIP 0.94
Cliff Politte 2006: ERA 8.70, WHIP 2.07

SO UNHUNGRY IN 2006.

'They got a little taste of the success and winning the World Series, and you want to get it back,'' he said recently of his players. ''They are mad because we didn't win it last year. They are hungry to do it again.''

Good. Great. Neal, Cliff, give me your hungry 2005 stats again. Oh wait. You're not even on the team anymore.

That's also when the phone calls to bench coach and good friend Joey Cora became more frequent. Cora has been Guillen's right-hand man the last three seasons and is in charge of putting together the Sox' spring-training program.

The continued message to Cora was, ''Let's get back to small ball.'' Far too often in 2006, Sox hitters failed to move the runner or get the bunt down in key situations.

Yee-ha! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I cannot believe that anyone believes that the problem with the 2006 White Sox was a lack of smallball -- and yet the only person whose opinion matters believes just that. Bunting? The team ERA went up an entire run and we're talking about bunting?

Plus, Jesus, just take one second and look at this:

2005 White Sox Runs Scored: 741 (13th in baseball)
2006 White Sox Runs Scored: 868 (3rd in baseball)

I guess what I'm saying is your offense made a quantum leap forward in 2006. Your offense was the only reason you weren't 15 games out of the playoff race.

At the Tucson, Ariz., training facility, Cora has designated a special field that will be used for ''Bunting 101,'' and only a few Sox players have a pass.

The good ones.

"Everyone has to go through it besides [Jermaine] Dye, [Paul] Konerko and [Jim] Thome."

Exactly.

''We have a different way. We're going to play games -- give bunt situations, give pointers, the way they used to teach. We're going to make it fun, but they're not going to [expletive] around. I'll be in charge on that field because we have to do stuff better.''

Not saying this stuff is going to hurt the team -- okay, it might -- but seriously, this seems like a misuse of time and resources. The team was third in runs scored last year. Thome and Dye should be worse than last year, so there's that, but the answer to a problem that doesn't exist is not bunting. It's not.

I would also say that in a certain way, practicing bunting over and over again sort of is [expletive] around.

Guillen also will play mad scientist this spring, moving the top and bottom of the lineup around regularly in hopes of finding a solid formula.

Guillen will play mad scientist with a lineup that scored the third most runs in baseball to the New York Yankees and the Cleveland Indians. My guess? Erstad hits 2nd, 6th, and 8th and OPSes a hungry .590 in 1800 at bats.

While Guillen has a hands-off mentality regarding the pitching staff, he and pitching coach Don Cooper do have a message for the entire staff, as well as the minor-leaguers.

That message is: magically rekindle the improbable run of health and quality you experienced in 2005 that made people think Ozzie Guillen knew what the hell he was doing.

---

And now, Part 2, wherein we once again encounter the notion that the White Sox' offense and its lack of smallness was the reason for their non-championship-winning ways. Plus, Erstad.

TUCSON, Ariz. – Darin Erstad and the White Sox. Now there’s a match made in OzzieBall heaven.

Now there's a giant turd of a lede.

He’d run over your mother to catch a flyball, and he just might run over his own mother if she tried to block home plate.

He just might punt your mother in the tits because when this guy punts he punts to win and he sometimes thinks breasts are footballs.

His body is beaten up, not from his days as a college football player

(punter)

at Nebraska or a high school hockey star in North Dakota

Holy. Shitfuck. Add that to the Darin Erstad resume, quick. Opens up a whole new world of toughness metaphors and similies. "Darin Erstad plays baseball like he plays football. And he plays football like he plays hockey. With a stick that he uses to hit people with."

From now on, The Punter shall be referred to as The Highschoolhockeystar.

When healthy, Erstad is similar to Aaron Rowand, the popular, fence-crashing center fielder who was the classic “grinder” for the ’05 Sox. Except Erstad is faster and stronger.

And he parlays that speed and strength into hitting really, really atrociously. Like scary bad. Pokey Reese shit. I'm exaggerating. But here are Erstad's post-2000 EqA seasons: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.

“The fans of Chicago,” Guillen said, “will appreciate the way this kid plays.”

I bet they will. Dirty-hat type guy. Still: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.

Yes, the White Sox lost their way and relied too much on home runs last season, but they hit a lot of homers in 2005, too.

Here we go again. They lost their way to the tune of 127 additional runs. Adding a crazy-good Jim Thome will do that.

The difference? In ’05, they were aggressive on the bases. They bunted. They hit behind runners. They broke up double plays. They risked bodily harm to make sensational catches. They constantly put pressure on opponents.

They scored 127 fewer runs. They rode a scintillating pitching staff to unwarranted acclaim. They subjected us to way too much Ozzie Guillen.

They were 13th in runs scored. They scored fewer runs than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. They on-based worse than the Cubs and the Orioles and the same as the Nationals and the Astros and the Pirates.

Offensively, they weren't that good. And now we have to hear about how Ozzie Guillen is revamping his far better 2006 offense to be more like the shittier, less effective, decidedly mediocre 2005 version.

Baseball's back!

Labels: darin erstad, highschoolhockeystar, joe cowley, ozzie guillen, ozzieball, punter, smallball, smartball, white sox

Reader Chris points to this article from the AP, of all places, which helps us define the elusive term "Smallball." It's a recap of the Yankees' 14-3 drubbing of the ChiSox yesterday. The first paragraph reads:

Instead of swinging for the fences, the New York Yankees put down a string of splendid bunts and beat Ozzie Guillen's White Sox at their own game of small ball.

Then it talks about how the Yankees bunted a few times. It also includes these sentences:

Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams each doubled twice...

Andy Phillips homered and knocked in four runs...

Even little Bubba Crosby got in on it, hitting his first home run since a game-winning shot last Sept. 19 against Baltimore.

See? Smallball! It's about doing the little things, like scoring 14 runs on 14 hits, including five doubles and two dingers. It's also, apparently, somehow about having the other team play bad baseball:

Jason Giambi hit a two-run single, leadoff batter Johnny Damon scored three times and the Yankees took advantage of some shoddy Chicago defense to build an 8-0 lead for Mussina (11-3).

...in the fourth...[n]obody covered first base on Miguel Cairo's bunt single, leaving runners at first and second. Damon followed with a hard, short-hop bunt to Konerko. He wheeled and threw wide to third, where the ball glanced off the glove of fill-in third baseman Alex Cintron, who was charged with an error that loaded the bases.

That's what makes Smallball such a great approach to the game: all you have to do is keep bunting, and the other team will make a lot of errors, and then...you win!

Labels: ozzie guillen, smallball, yankees

Zoinks.

It didn't take long for Ozzie Guillen's phone to ring Sunday. Then again, the White Sox manager knew it was only the first wave of a potential weeklong tsunami.

"I already had a couple of phone calls, not nice ones,'' Guillen said. "A couple of teams called, but I could care less what they think.

Anybody want to take my bet that this guy will either be out of baseball or beaten to a pulp within the next five years?

"Whoever is not on this team, they have my number. They have my PR department's number. Whoever doesn't like it, play better next year.''

Oh, but see, Ozzie, I'm guessing that the reason they were angry, whoever they were, is because their guys did play better, and you chose your own players instead. For example, you kind of can't play better than Travis Hafner has, since he leads the AL in OPS, and yet you took Paul Konerko, even though the other 1B/DH type on your own team was already going, and even though Hafner's OPS is more than 100 points higher than Konerko's, and even though Hafner leads Konerko is every single meaningful (and most unmeaningful) categories.

I know Konerko is good, but you have two guys who play the same positions from the same team -- your team -- instead of, say, one guy from your team and one guy from another team who is better.

You also decided to take Bobby Jenks, who is good and has a lot of "saves," instead of Francisco Liriano or Jeremy Bonderman or even John Lackey (anyone seen his OPS against recently?). These people all arguably "played better" than your guy, but you took your guy, so they got upset.

Guillen had been promising all along that when it came time to put together the American League All-Star team, he would take as many Sox players as he could.

Oh. So, it had nothing to do with "playing better." He actually already announced that the fix was in. "You want to win the election?" asked Boss Tweed. "Campaign better!"

He also knew his decision would come under a lot of scrutiny. By the time the fan and player voting ended, Guillen was left with getting an AL-leading six Sox players into the July 11 midsummer classic in Pittsburgh -- none of whom was voted in by the fans as a starter.

Sox right fielder Jermaine Dye, designated hitter Jim Thome and pitcher Jose Contreras were selected through the players' vote. First baseman Paul Konerko, pitcher Mark Buehrle and closer Bobby Jenks were selected by Guillen. Jenks and Contreras are first-timers to the game.

"I don't like it,'' Guillen said of the difficulty he faced in putting the team together. "But I do hope that I get to do it again next year. There are a lot of rules that fans and players have to know about. The manager really ends up picking two guys.

You picked three guys. And they were all from your team.

"It's a shame to have your hands tied like that. I didn't even get three of my favorite players on the ballclub.''

Oh, the humanity! You didn't even get your three favorite guys on the team? Ye Gods! What has the Major League Baseball All Star Game come to when Ozzie Guillen only gets to have six of his own players on the team -- and not even three of his "favorites?"

By the way, if I were on his team and was not one of these "favorites," I would be pissed off right now.

Guillen said catcher A.J. Pierzynski, second baseman Tadahito Iguchi and third baseman Joe Crede should have made the team. Pierzynski still has a chance as one of five AL candidates for one spot via Internet fan voting.

Pierzynski is actually deserving. He has a 2.8 WARP1 and a .281 EqA this year. Pudge is 3.0 and .263 (the higher WARP attributed to his defense). Iguchi...well, he has a .779 OPS, which isn't bad for a 2B (better than Loretta's, and he's starting). But he also has a 1.5 WARP1, thanks to some sub-par defense (-5 FRAA). He also has 66/23 K/Bb ratio. Which stinks. And a .257 EqA. Crede is a very good 3B, with a 3.5 WARP1 and .287 EqA.

But here's the problem. There's a guy named Travis Hafner. He plays for the Indians.

OPS: 1.084
WARP1: 4.6
EqA: .364 (!)

And there's a guy named Jason Giambi, who is a dirty dirty cheater, but he also has done this:

OPS: 1.054
WARP1: 3.4
EqA: .347

And as far as Iguchi, specifically, goes, there is a guy named Brian Roberts, who plays for the Orioles.

OPS: .787
WARP1: 2.2
EqA: .278

So, you can see that Crede and Iguchi are not quite--

"The one guy that I was really pushing [Crede] was the one guy that didn't make it,'' Guillen said. "I'm going to tell Joe, 'You can go, I'll stay. I've been to a few already.'''

Ozzie Guillen, career:

OPS: .625
K/BB: 511/.239
EqA: .229

I retroactively protest Ozzie's inclusion in all-star festivities. Unless he was there as a manager or coach, in which case, I doubly protest it.

Guillen, however, said he is not done campaigning to get Crede on the roster.

"It will be one week, and if someone gets hurt, I don't care -- pitcher, catcher, outfielder -- Crede is going,'' Guillen said. "That's the way it's going to be. If anything happens to those 32 guys on the field and they can't make it, Crede is going and I don't care who gets mad.''

Mad people will include: Hafner, Giambi, Verlander, Roberts, Bonderman, Robertson, Liriano, Mussina, Schilling.

To say nothing of Tremendous, dak, Murbles, Junior, Coach. Even Spinoza might freak a little, and he's a very calm guy.

Guillen had said two weeks ago that Contreras likely would be the AL starter, but with the right-hander now scheduled to start on the Sunday before the All-Star Game, Guillen already was coming up with a Plan B. Though Guillen wouldn't confirm it, Detroit Tigers left-hander Kenny Rogers is thought to be the front-runner.

Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God.

Rogers has a 61/25 K/BB ratio and a DIPS ERA over 4.00. Johan Santana is so much effing better than Kenny Rogers it's like they're playing different sports. Liriano is a million times better, and Ozzie won't even put him on the team.

Kenny Rogers is 31st in the majors in VORP. And he's going to start an all-star game.

While all six of the selections were excited to be going, there seemed to be equally as much sympathy for their teammates who didn't make the team.

"The system's flawed,'' Konerko said.

Yes it is. Travis Hafner isn't on the team. Nor is Giambi. I'm glad you said it.

"I've been on the short end of it before because of the way the voting works out. They try to do it the best way they can, and I'm not sure there's a perfect way to do it.

No, there isn't. Deserving people like Mike Mussina and Francisco Liriano don't get to go because Ozzie chose Bobby Jenks, who is fine, but not as good as Mussina or Liriano. This is really mature of you, Paul, to be saying this.

"Every year, there's so many guys that do well and there's just so many spots. It's just bad when it happens to somebody close to you or yourself, and that's the case with Joe. The numbers speak for themselves. He should be there."

Oh.

Just to review, here's how Ozzie would like the 2006 AL All-Star Starting Line-Up to look:

C Pierzynski
1B Konerko
2B Iguchi
3B Crede
SS Who Cares
RF Dye
CF Who Cares
LF Who Cares
DH Thome

SP Contreras
RP Buehrle
Closer: Jenks

(Thanks to Ryan for the tip.)

Labels: all-star game, ozzie guillen

Is anyone else watching this?

Question from Karl Ravech: who should start the game for the A.L?

Krukie: Roy Halladay.
H.R.: Johan Santana.
Steve Phillips: Jose Contreras. Because "He hasn't lost a game this year. You need to win a game? Give the ball to the guy who hasn't lost a game." (Slight paraphrase.)

Now, I am a reasonable guy. I love the give-and-take of reasonable arguments from reasonable people. But there is an answer to this question, and the answer is Santana.

Halladay: 114.2 IP, 107 H, 1.05 WHIP, 62/13 K/BB, 3.73 DIPS
Santana: 118.1 IP, 94 H, 0.96 WHIP, 124/20 K/BB, 2.93 DIPS
Contreras: 96.2 IP, 87 H, 1.18 WHIP, 68/27 K/BB, 3.85 DIPS

Halladay...maybe. But Santana has twice as many strikeouts. Contreras maybe deserves to be on the team, but the best pitcher in the AL?

Ozzie has really outdone himself, though, by adding Mark Buehrle to the team, over, among others, Liriano, Mussina, and Schilling.

Buehrle: 116.2 IP, 125 H, 1.31 WHIP, 51/28 K/BB, 4.76 DIPS
Schilling: 114.1 IP, 110 H, 1.08 WHIP, 102/14 K/BB, 3.43 DIPS
Mussina: 116.1 IP, 99 H, 1.04 WHIP, 104/22 K/BB, 3.50 DIPS

And where's the Tiger love? Verlander, Bonderman, and Robertson all have better numbers than Buehrle (to say nothing of their selected teammate, Kenny Rogers). In fact, Bonderman's DIPS is 2.85. Why did I break down Mussina and Schilling instead of Bonderman? Oh well. Too late now. My computer has no delete key.

But the real crime is Liriano.

9-1, 1.99 ERA. in 81.1 IP, he's allowed 59 H, and has a 94/20 K/BB ratio. His WHIP is .97. The league is slugging .292 against him, with a .256 OBA. His DIPS is 2.44. He might be the best pitcher in the AL right now.

Look.

The All-Star Game is stupid. Every year, this one included, there are about a dozen crazy choices made, for starters and reserves. It's half popularity contest, quarter meaningless exhibition, quarter "this time it counts" MLB nonsense-fest. It doesn't know what it is. The fans vote! The players vote, too! The manager from last year's World Series team gets to do stuff! The C.E.O. of the concessions company who has the contract with the stadium where the game is played gets to choose one reserve third baseman! The soldiers in Iraq design the uniforms! The Royals don't have anyone in the game?! Get Mark Redman in there!!!

The whole thing is a mess.

I know that managers take their own guys. I know there are already too many Yankees and Red Sox on the roster, so I'm fine with no Schilling or Mussina. But Mark Buehrle is mediocre. The Tigers are good. Liriano is blisteringly awesome. Ozzie is a moron.

Labels: all-star game, ozzie guillen, steve phillips

I know this isn't misguided sports commentary, but how about newly-annointed genius manager Ozzie Guillen's comments after last night's loss to the Yankees (the ChiSox' 7th in a row)?

From the Sun Times:

"I'm sick and tired about all nine guys,'' Guillen said after a question about third baseman Joe Crede's 0-for-14 slump. "I don't like to criticize my players, but you get sick to your stomach. We're having terrible at-bats, and when you do that, you lose. It's not always easy to get a base hit, but good at-bats, I expect that from everyone.

"It's a shame because the way they [players] shake their heads, it's like they feel sorry for themselves. People should stop feeling sorry for themselves. If you're a baseball player and feel sorry for yourself, you're in the wrong business.''

Guillen feels more sorry for fans.

"Sometimes you get sick of watching the same thing the last two weeks. You're putting my hitting coach and [general manager] Kenny Williams and me at fault. When you struggle, it should be us to blame. But I don't want Greg Walker [hitting coach] and Kenny and my staff to be blamed.''

That's the way to lead, Ozzie! You were the catalyst when they were winning, but in no way are you to blame now, right? Great job. Nicely done.

Labels: ozzie guillen, smartball

Technically this is not about anyone's sports commentary. But, since the whole world is ball-washing Ozzie Guillen this year, here's some Smartball:

ChiSox down 2-0 in the ninth. Guillen has Bobby Jenks, who got two K's on nine pitches yesterday, and who throws like 130 MPH with a 102 MPH 12-6 curve that literally made Kevin Millar forget how to play baseball, in the pen. Instead, he left Damaso Marte in to pitch to Varitek, who has a 1.117 OPS against lefties and an .803 OPS against righties. Varitek promptly homered to give the Sox a 3-0 lead.

The ChiSox knocked the crap out of the ball in the bottom of the inning, but didn't score. However, the first two guys singled, and if not for Varitek, the tying run would have been on first with nobody out. Ironically, Guillen probably would have had Aaron Rowand bunt to get them over, and if he'd been successful...who knows?

The point is, what exactly does "Smartball" mean, especially when applied to the pitching staff? And how is it smart? Wouldn't it have been smarter to look at a piece of paper that told you never to have Jason Varitek hit right handed, if you can avoid it?

But maybe I'm wrong. I've been reading Buzz Blunderson's shitty book all day, and have come to realize that just a numbers-cruncher who hates baseball.

Labels: ozzie guillen, smartball

...on BBTN just praised Ozzie Guillen. Why? Because in the ninth inning, with his team down by one, AJ Pierzynski struck out looking and flipped his bat in disgust, and was tossed, and Ozzie came flying out of the dugout like some kind of crazed bat and argued with the home plate ump for like three minutes. He should have been thrown out, but for some reason, was not.

But the point is, Brantley praised this "great managerial move," because, Brantley claimed, it "left Huston Street standing out there [on the mound]" for a long time, and then Street "left a pitch out over the plate" that Timo Perez drove into left center to tie the game. (The ChiSox lost in extras.)

The cult of Ozzie and "Smart Ball" (read: dumb ball) has gone so far that analysts are now claiming that when Ozzie goes berzerk and screams at umps, he is doing so because he is calmly and calculatedly trying to "ice" a relief pitcher. As if that would work. And as if Ozzie Guillen, who is an emotionally high-strung wind-up toy, would ever, EVER, have a psychologically complex motive like that in the heat of battle.

Can everybody please, please shut up about how brilliant Ozzie Guillen is?

Please?

Labels: jeff brantley, ozzie guillen, smartball