It's About Love: Gavin's Special Visit

Gavin spent the next two days visiting his birth family. He loved all the attention. All he could talk about was when we were going to see Tracy next. We played at a park one day and went to a forest for a hike and picnic the next.

Leaf fight with Tracy. 

She was a great sport!

Being silly together

Who wouldn't love all this attention!

My other kids didn't lack for attention of course.

A hike through the forest

 

Gavin and his birth sister Julia

Talmage loved being outdoors and carried

The fall colors were beautiful

We hiked to a stone castle and then when we went to the bottom of it, some of our group tried their hand at rock climbing including Lili.

Being in Tennessee was great. Our road trip home though was another story. We decided to do the 14 hours in one day to avoid the pain of the hotel and the many trips unpacking and repacking the car. Zane would also be able to use his day off helping with the unpacking instead of driving. This plan was tested though when we hit a traffic jam where we went 6 miles in two hours. Talmage and Lili had just fallen asleep right before the traffic jam and then when we stopped rolling, they woke up cranky as can be. Later on that afternoon Dallin did something to get stuck in his seat belt. In trying to get out of it, his seat belt just got tighter and tighter. We pulled over and tried to help him but eventually we decided that we needed to cut him out of it. We drove to the next exit to borrow some scissors from a gas station and cut his seat belt strap. From then on Dallin's and Gavin's seats were touching. This also tested our patience! With all the stops and traffic, we got home at 2:30 a.m. and crashed into bed. Despite the road trip, we had a great little vacation and Gavin felt like the special little boy that he is loved by so many.

A Special Visit for Gavin

 We have an open adoption with Gavin's birthmom Tracy. He saw her when he was one and then because of the births of Lili and Talmage and the month we stayed in the states they came from, we haven't made it to Tennessee to visit again. It was time to fix this and so we braved another road trip (which I swore I wouldn't do after Miami) and made the 14 hour drive to visit. The trip out to Tennessee wasn't to bad. Yes there was some crying from Talmage but at least we didn't have to stop every hour and half to feed for an hour and a half like we did on the way home from Miami. Lili is now forward facing (which I know is not good because she is still so small) so she was entertained by the movies and didn't cry the whole time.  We broke up the trip out there and drove Friday afternoon and all day Saturday.

After a day in the car we decided that the kids would do better at Chuck E Cheese than at a sit down restaurant so this was where Gavin had his reunion with Tracy, her daughter Julia, and her mom Joyce.

A lot of people asked how Gavin did on the trip, was he confused, does he understand who Tracy is and how does he respond to her. My kids understand how adoption works but they don't comprehend yet that our family is unusual. Our family is proof that love binds family more than blood. Kids respond to love and Gavin has a lot of people who love him. He glowed with happiness.

Tracy

Julia

Joyce (grandma) is on the right

Tracy's family was great about loving all my kids. Dallin's birthmom has passed away and we have no contact with Lili's so Tracy is filling in for them.

The next day we went to a park and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. Gavin posed for tons and tons of pictures. He was a great sport.

Here are some of the group shots.

 Friends of Tracy (the couple in the back) joined us at the park.

Gavin is one lucky boy to have so many people who love him!

Forever Families- Talmage's Special Day

Talmage's adoption was finalized on August 13th. The following Saturday, August 16th, we headed to the temple to have Talmage sealed to us and become part of our forever family. There was a lot of panic and rush before getting to the temple, so when we were finally all together and calm, it was wonderful. What I remember most was an overwhelming feeling of peace, love and gratitude.

The ceremony was late in the afternoon, so we spent the morning making lasagnas and desserts for the dinner we were having afterwards. I had timed everything out and so around noon I headed up to my mom's to drop off the food (the dinner was at her house afterwards.) I stayed for a little to chit chat and help organize things, then headed back home. We needed to leave our house at 2:30 and we all needed to shower and get ready. On the way to my mom's I had noticed a lot of traffic on the freeway going southbound, so I had decided then that I would take the feeder to avoid that traffic. On the way back, I saw the traffic ahead and got off the freeway. I'm not sure why I made this decision because usually the feeder is never faster than the freeway, but I made a split second decision and went with it.

The traffic was horrible on the feeder. It turns out the road closure was on the feeder not the freeway. At one point there was a spot to get back on the freeway, but all I could see ahead on the freeway was lots and lots of traffic and not knowing the problem was the feeder, I stayed on the feeder. After sitting for 45 minutes, I started to really panic. I called my mom and asked her to tell the temple we were coming but were running super late. My mom was planning on arriving at the temple at 3:00 with us to get the kids changed in their white clothes while Zane and I changed. I then started my million calls to Zane explaining everything he needed to pack, how I wanted Lili's hair, and other instructions. When I got home, I knew I would have to take the quickest shower ever and get right back into the car. I can't tell you how thankful I was that I had just cut my hair even shorter making it super easy to do. Zane was awesome and had everything together.

After the phone calls I just started praying asking God to part the cars like He parted the Red Sea. Unfortunately, that miracle didn't happen for me. The worst part was when I realized that the road closure was on the feeder and watched cars zip on the freeway on the overpass that went on the other freeway that leads East to my house. The slow part was on the cars trying to go West and the cars exiting to the feeder that was shut down. I was so tempted to try to drive over the curb and get back on the freeway. I was more scared though that my mini van would get stuck.

In the end the 20 minute drive home took me an hour and a half. It was horrible to be so helpless. We were 30 minutes late to the temple. Some of our guests arrived before us. Luckily we didn't really need to be their an hour early and so we were ready to start by 4:00.

After all the rush, Zane and I sat in the Celestial Room for awhile waiting to be brought in the sealing room. Finally a temple worker came and told us that the Sealer that we asked to do the ceremony wasn't there. We just laughed and said any Sealer would do. We just wanted to get going on the ceremony!

Down in the kid's room, my mom and another temple worker were getting my kids ready. The temple worker told me later that my kids were so well behaved and wonderful. I don't think anyone has ever told us that before so it really was a special day!

Finally it was time and Zane and I were brought into the sealing room where all of our guests were waiting. The kids were brought in next. They really did look all angelic in white.

          We don't take pictures in the temple so this is right outside.

The sealer said a few words, and then Zane and I knelt across from each other on the alter. The kids (because they have already been sealed to us) stood up to watch on the side and then Talmage's hand was placed on ours for the ceremony. My friend and Talmage's birth aunt held Talmage. I love this because she was the one who brought Talmage to us. She told her sister about us and really pushed for the adoption. Talmage is part of our family because of his courageous Birth Mom who chose to place her baby with us and my friend who felt strongly that God wanted us to be her nephew's parents.

During the ceremony, Talmage kept his eyes on Dallin who was straight across from him the whole time. Everyone commented afterwards how he fixated on Dallin and of course Dallin made him smile. I have felt very strongly from the beginning that my kids all knew each other up in heaven and imagine that they talked about how they would find their way to each other on Earth. I love the bond between them all. Talmage kept his hand on ours the whole time and was happy and content during the ceremony.

After the ceremony, our guests congratulated us and we tried to get all our kids to look in the mirrors. The way the mirrors are arranged you can see the family's reflection going on and on and never ending. I don't think they caught it but I do think they understand that the temple is a special place and that our family is important to God. 

Our family with some of our guests.

We were lucky that the finalization happened right after vacation so that everyone was still in town minus my brother-in-law Derrick who had to get back to work.

Christina (Birth aunt) and her daughter with a sleepy Talmage.

Grandma and Grandpa

Talmage getting some one-on-one with Grandpa.

After the sealing ceremony, we had a wonderful dinner at my mom's with Talmage's birth family to celebrate our forever family. I found out then that my brother's plane had arrived an hour late and he barely made it to the temple. It is amazing that it all came together in the end!

On Sunday, Zane gave Talmage his baby blessing at church. My dad, Jared and Clayton (my brothers), Bishop Gutke, and Talmage's birth cousin Hunter who just got off his mission stood in the circle. My sister Haley's family couldn't make it because by then the vacation virus had hit their family and they were at home super sick.

We had one super special weekend. I'm so grateful for my family. Zane and I are humbled with how God has blessed us. We fasted and prayed for 6 years to have one baby. Zane and I wanted a big family, but after all our difficulties we were just asking God for one and we would be content. Six years later we were in the temple surrounded by four beautiful children and feeling overwhelmed with the love God has for our family. We have seen so many miracles as God has lead us to each of our children and are so grateful to our four amazing birth mom's.

Best Friends

 We moved to our new home a year ago. A few days after we moved in, Dallin was begging to play with friends. We didn't know anyone yet and he threw a huge temper tantrum swinging his toy sword around and hitting Lili's new fan. Those first few weeks were so tough. Dallin is such a social kid. He would pick playing with a friend as a reward over anything else. Dallin rarely plays with toys on his own, plays the Wii, or anythings else by himself.

Home school and Gavin getting a little older has changed all of that. When school started, Dallin didn't have a choice but to learn to play with Gavin. We are part of a home school group, but we don't get together with this group every day. The previous few years, I taught preschool in my home twice a week bringing 7 friends to our house. Then I would plan at least one play date the other days of the week. Since we started home schooling, the amount of kids coming into our home decreased dramatically. Dallin had to learn to play by himself or play with his siblings. It has been really interesting to watch the kids' relationships evolve. Before Dallin's friends were more important to him. Now, his best friend is Gavin. They are inseparable. Dallin is also super sweet with Lili helping her join in their games. I'm so grateful for this last year that helped my kids become closer together.

I've had people make comments to me that after they have their own children, they want to adopt a child. I feel like people make too big of deal about genes. Our kids are just our kids. We get asked all the time if Lili and Gavin are siblings meaning are they biological siblings. I'm not sure why this matters. They are siblings. If you see my kids together, you can't doubt that there is a special bond. That bond was so immediate that I'm convinced they all knew each other in heaven. I can't wait to see how these relationships evolve further as they open their circle to add Talmage.

A Journal Entry: Our Second Week in Miami

I mentioned before, but on Monday the 14th, I went into hospital that morning to feed Talmage and to see when discharge would take place. I didn't get to talk to our doctor then because he was busy, so after feeding, I went back to our apartment to help pack up the car. We assumed discharge would be late afternoon. Around 11 we got a call from our doctor who let us know Talmage wouldn't be discharged. His respiratory rate (how fast he was breathing) was too high and the doctor wanted to do some tests to see why it was so high. We were beyond disappointment. Zane and I sat at the kitchen table with bags packed around us depressed and frustrated. The first week in Miami was a great adventure for the kids but by Saturday evening, they were asking for their own beds. Zane and I were under a lot of stress (Zane especially as he tried to fit in his work, feedings, and be with the family) and of course we wanted our baby home.

Getting Talmage out of the hospital was just step one for us. After that, we had to wait for the state to give us permission to leave. For Gavin (who is from Florida) this took one day but for Lili (Utah) it took 14 days. Our caseworker told us to plan on 7 to 10 business days. Our hope was if discharge was on Monday, then the state would have all week to look at our paperwork. We were hoping they would go quicker to get things done before Easter. With discharge being postponed, we knew we weren't going to be home for Easter.

The doctor started doing tests on Monday to see why Talmage breathed so fast. I kept saying that he has always breathed this fast. I assumed he just was a fast breather and felt like the doctor was being too conservative. On Tuesday the doctor was still not sure what was going on. It was then that I mentioned how Talmage eats. For the past week, he had started having a really hard time eating. At first I thought it was because he wasn't comfortable with me and missed his birthmom (there are a lot of irrational thoughts I have when a baby is first placed with us.) Then the feeding problems started happening more and more. I had pointed it out to the nurses a couple of times asking about reflux, but it was just assumed he was a fussy baby. Talmage never spits up so reflux didn't cross the nurses' minds. The doctor though said it sounded like reflux and ordered a test to be done. By that night, he was on medication for reflux.

I came in the hospital on Wednesday ready to fight for discharge. You don't hospitalize a baby for reflux. Our doctor though wanted to spend the rest of the week watching Talmage to make sure the respiratory rate come down. In all honestly there was no rush for us to leave that day. We were still stuck in Florida because with Good Friday coming up, the state wasn't going to have time to let us leave. I think I was just tired though and so when the doctor told me discharge would tentatively be planned for the next Monday, I was crushed. We were also getting texts from people telling us that they were hoping we were leaving Miami. On the way out of the hospital, I stopped at the Family Center to ask about Easter celebrations at the hospital. When I started talking, tears came out. I know I was being ridiculous. There was a baby next to Talmage getting prepped for a blood transfusion that morning and I was crying about staying a few more days. The lady in charge of the Family Center probably thought my baby was getting ready for brain surgery and kept asking what she could do for me. On my walk home the tears kept coming so that by the time Zane opened the door, I looked a mess. He started panicking thinking something horrible had happened. I finally got out that we needed to unpack. I'm glad my husband is so patient with my emotions!

The kids were going crazy because I hadn't really planned activities that week. It was time to buckle down, buy groceries for the rest of the week, and make plans.

In the end, we didn't do anything too exciting the rest of the week. Talmage's feedings were getting worse and worse and he needed Zane or I there more often. In fact, one nurse commented on how well Talmage ate for me compared to everyone else and that he calmed down faster. That made me feel good! The kids did great though without big outings as long as we went to a park every day. They really handled a difficult situation so well. By the time discharged happened on Monday though, we all celebrated as we left Miami!

The picking up a baby is the hardest part of the adoption for me. We call it the labor of the heart. There are so many parts of our trip we are grateful for though.

-When Talmage was born, he was on 11 medicines. He left the hospital on one.
-We had amazing nurses and doctors working with our baby.
-We were lucky enough to get in the apartments by the hospital that are provided for families. This made our trip affordable! It was so nice to be able to walk to and from the hospital all day instead of driving and fighting traffic all day.
-Our apartment was two bedrooms. We gave up having a queen bed for Zane and I, but we would take the twin beds any day just to have the two bedrooms. It made the bedtime routine for our kids so much easier! Lili (aka the Princess) will not go to sleep with other people in the room. She thinks it is play time.
-Zane and I were grateful for the sectional in the living room. Our hospital twin beds were too noisy in the night. Lili wakes up throughout the night quite a bit and when she heard us roll over, she would start crying. At home, she would just fuss and put herself back to sleep, but because we were in an apartment and worried about waking up the people above us, we would pick her up. Soon Zane and I learned we would get more sleep by sleeping on the sectional and letting the Princess have a room to herself. The leather couch was old and we would wake up with leather pieces stuck to our sheets, but at least we got to sleep through the night!
-I'm grateful our apartment had a little parking lot right outside our door that could act like a backyard. We would do our school work on the grass by it and the boys enjoyed the bugs. Dallin won a remote control Hummer during one of the hospital games and that parking lot and Hummer helped provide a lot of entertainment.
-I'm grateful the neighbor in the next apartment building had a dog that was super friendly to my kids and liked to play fetch.
-We are grateful that if we were stuck in a state, at least it was a place like Florida where there was plenty to do!
-We are so grateful for the Family Center at the hospital. They did our laundry for us, provided entertainment for our kids, helped give my kids a great Easter (more to come on that), and provided Zane a place to work when he needed it.

I'm Back...With a Pretty Big Announcement

 Oh blog, how I have neglected you. There are so many fun times and important moments to document and yet so little time to do it. I thought I would come back to the blogging world with a pretty big announcement.

Shocked? So were we! And in case you were wondering, Lili will be 16 1/2 months. 

This is an unusual situation for us. In the past when our kids turn 12-18 months old we start thinking about getting our paperwork together to try for another baby knowing the process takes awhile. All our kids our 2 1/2 years apart. When Lili turned one, we were not thinking about paperwork. We knew another baby was meant for our family...eventually. Eventually came sooner than we planned. We were approached by a friend about her family member that wanted to place her baby for adoption. We have worked very hard to find our birthmoms in the past, so to have a situation just fall in our laps was shocking. We put together the world's fastest home study and are praying our FBI clearance comes back in time for us to head out to another state to pick up our baby boy.

In the adoption world, a couple is used to surprises that make you jump and go. We found out about Gavin the day before we left to Florida to go get him. Lili came a month early so we had to hurry and pack for a trip in another state not knowing how long we would be there. Usually, the adoptive couple has been waiting so long for a baby that we do just jump and go. We have put a lot of faith and trust in God's plan and at times felt like we were heading blindly down a path He chose for us.

This adoption feels more like my fertile friends who thought they were done at 4 kids and then surprise, a 5th one is on its way. It has taken me a little bit to get my head around the situation. I'm a control freak with plans and well a baby wasn't part of the plan right now.

But one thing I have learned over and over again with each of my kids is that God's plan is so much better than mine.

For a little I wondered if this baby was actually meant for another couple. We have two friends who have been waiting for a baby since before we got Lili. Zane and I did what we always do when we need answers. We went to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint temple in our area fasting and praying. We both had the confirmation and peace we were seeking knowing we were chosen to be the parents of this child.

I'm still scared though to have kids 16 months apart plus two other kids. I hear being a mom of four kids is easier than three. We will see.

I have lots of help though. Dallin loves babies and has a special bond with them. In the below picture, I was trying to make dinner while the boys got a little TV time. When Lili started fussing to be held by me making dinner prep difficult, Dallin picked her up and cuddled with her. She loves hanging with her big brother.

 Dallin is super excited to have another little brother. He asked Santa Claus for a baby for Christmas.

 Gavin is also a super helper. Right now he and Lili are starting to play together more. Dallin sees Lili as a baby but Gavin sees her as a play mate. I hope they stay close.

And if I need more help, the house across the street is for sell and maybe I can convince my parents to move in there! :)

 

We are super excited to be a family of 6!

The Adoption Process: The Trying Part

After Dallin's birth I did a baby tag post fitting our adoption into questions about pregnancy.  It was fun so I thought I would do it again this time describing the adoption process because really the process is its own kind of labor!  And yes, the reason for our thinking so much about the process is because we are putting our papers in again!

Every agency does things a little different, so this is just our experience with our agency.

When I commented on Facebook that Zane and I had spent a lame date night doing three hours of paperwork, I had a couple of comments about that seemed like a great date night.  Let's just make it clear that the trying part when trying to have a baby is a lot more fun than paperwork, but of course as any couple knows that has tried for months on end with monthly failed pregnancy tests, the trying part can also get frustrating.  The same can be said for paperwork.  We filled out eight pages of answers to questions about our backgrounds, our likes and dislikes, our talents and achievements, our wants and dreams...all while trying to sound sincere but showing personality.  Then we answered questions about our parents backgrounds, how they parented, our childhoods, and what we learned from our parents.  Since Zane's childhood has some interesting parts to it, this got a little tricky.  These followed with more questions about our marriage relationship, how we parent, info about our kids, and then our medical history specifically focusing on how we handle our infertility.  After answering all those questions about ourselves, it was relief to get to easy questions about Zane's employment, our financial situation, description of our house, neighborhood, and a bunch of other questions that you usually keep private, but with adoptions, everything is an open book.  You can imagine that it was a relief to be done with this document and we didn't want to look at it again for awhile!

And yet we were still not done.  There is a bunch of smaller documents that were much easier to fill out and four reference letters to hand out with friends with cookies to help motivate them/say thank you for taking the time to answer a bunch of questions about us (they deserved the cookies!).  We actually started this part in January and just turned it in so you can see it is like month after month of trying without success of a pregnancy.  This part of the adoption though is less emotional since there is never hopes raised that there could be a baby coming.  Instead you feel this thing constantly hanging over you knowing you can't bring another baby into your family until you finish answering all the questions!

Another part in preparation for our home study, is getting our fingerprints done.  This really isn't a big deal except that it became a problem since the nearest place for us to get fingerprinted is 30 minutes away the opposite direction of Zane's work.  I scheduled mine first, paid online and was in and out in five minutes and on my way home.  When Zane scheduled his, something weird happened and his paperwork that he printed out didn't look like mine.  He had an email confirming his appointment, but he never had the screen pop up asking if he wanted to pay online.  He tried calling twice, but after being on hold for awhile, he gave up.  When he went to his appointment, the lady didn't have any of his information that he had typed in.  It wasn't a big deal though and she added it in.  She then asked how Zane was going to pay since they didn't take credit card or cash.  This was a surprise to Zane since he didn't have a check on him.  After some discussion on what to do, Zane finally had to leave without getting fingerprinted.  He couldn't go home and come back (wasting his entire morning) because you can't reschedule an appointment for the same day.  Zane left very frustrated and went into work (driving an hour and a half to get there).  In their defense, it says on the form that only check or money order were accepted.  In Zane's defense, he didn't read the form since the morning of his appointment, he helped me get ready for preschool and I told him to just sign the paper.  In my defense, I skimmed the form, but that part didn't pertain to me since I paid online and so I ignored it.  Really it is the computer's fault since it never gave Zane the opportunity to pay online. 

The next week Zane was crazy busy with work and didn't have time to take two hours doing fingerprinting so he didn't reschedule until the next week.  We had all the paper work done and ready to turn it except for this one part.  I was pretty frustrated with the whole situation.  Zane finally got in, was in and out in five minutes since he paid online, and then drove the long trek to work.

The first papers are turned in and our excitement is growing.  Unfortunately though this is just another month of trying because we still have to be interviewed by our caseworker, physicals done, and more paper work to fill out.  At least we have started and it didn't involve shots, ultrasounds, or blood being drawn like it would if Zane and I were really trying to get pregnant.  So even with all the laborious paperwork and frustrations, I prefer this over the shots!

Beautiful Heartbreak

I love this song from Hilary Weeks.  It puts into words so many of my thoughts and feelings over the years.  I have been thinking about infertility a lot lately as I have two friends struggling with secondary infertility.  They are both at that moment when the doctor looks at you and says he doesn't know what else to do.  That maybe they should look at other options.  It has been almost five years since my last IVF when our doctor said those words to us.  A door was closing on our hopes and dreams and at the same time another door, called adoption, was opening.   It was new, different and very scary, but soon we started seeing a new light shine through.  We grabbed hold of that light and started learning everything we could about adoption.  Hope came back in our lives then.

During those infertility years I struggled at church and other activities listening to women talk about their pregnancies, complain about pregnancies, or complain about children.  I just wasn't in a place emotionally that I could handle it.  I felt like God must love these women more than me because they could get pregnant or that there was something wrong with me.  I felt God must not think I was good enough to be a mom.  

It was at these lowest points that I would see miracles happen. These came in the form of a church talk that said exactly what I needed to hear, something that a friend said, or a peaceful feeling in my heart that brought the comfort and a surety that God heard my prayers and would answer them in His way and His time.  This was also the time when I started to understand the atonement of Jesus Christ better and build a relationship with him.  

I was asked today while a women was talking about a surprise pregnancy if it was hard to hear things like that, someone who can get pregnant so easily.  I'm so glad that I could say that it doesn't bother me anymore.  Infertility never goes away and there are times when I still get sad, but I'm sad for different reasons.  The hard days come when we are trying to find our next baby and I'm frustrated with the process.  Those days all I can think about is how much easier, and lets face it, more fun, it would be if I could just get pregnant.  Now I know that pregnancy really isn't easy.  I have watched members of my family go through sickness the entire pregnancy to extremely hard recoveries, but on days when I'm really frustrated with the adoption process, I forget about those things and just think how hard I have it.  Those days are far and few between though.  Instead I try not to think about the long journey ahead of us, and instead think about the end result.

Infertility took an emotional battering to my heart, but with each hug and kiss from my boys, my heart starts to heal.  Zane and I don't have this wishful thinking deep down hoping to get pregnant one day.  We closed that door and are thrilled with the path we are on.  We are thrilled because that path gave us two beautiful boys.  I wouldn't change anything about my boys including their birth stories.  Their birth families are part of who they are, and my boys and their birth families are amazing.

Every fear, every doubt, All the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view

And now that I’m here I would never trade

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights

I used to pray that He’d take it all away,

But instead it became

A Beautiful Heartbreak.
 (Chorus from "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks)

So to my friends going through infertility, don't give up.  There is a plan and one day when you have little arms wrapping around your neck giving you hugs and kisses you will look back at the journey and say it was worth it. 

National Adoption Month

National Adoption Month is here! As part of the celebration of the miracle of adoption, our FSA group (Families Supporting Adoption) will be posting on the FSA blog responses to the statement: Adoption has blessed my life. My response was posted today so check it out here! If you too want to tell how adoption has blessed your life, email me your story and pictures (my email address in on the side of my blog.) I would be happy to get it into the right hands to be published. You can check out all the adoption stories all month long by clicking on the button on the right of my blog.

Changed For Good

"It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime.

So let me say before we part

So much of me is made of what I learned from you.

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe that I have been changed for the better.

And because I knew you...I have been changed for good."

"For Good" from the musical Wicked

Dallin's birthmom passed away on the 31st. I'm not sure if anyone, besides those on the adoption path, can understand a relationship between a birth mom and an adoptive mom. He is never just my baby. Yes Dallin is meant to be in our family and is sealed to us, but he has two moms who will impact his life. I feel like I have an extra responsibility to be the best mom because someone else entrusted me with the care of her baby. Dallin's birth mom gave him the precious gift of life and now Zane and I are giving him a life with an eternal family. I didn't understand true sacrifice until that moment when she placed Dallin in our arms. Not a day goes by when I don't look at my son and say a prayer thanking Heavenly Father for bringing Dallin's birth mom to our lives and for her sacrifice. She is our angel, our hero.

At placement

Dallin at 14 months on our Las Vegas trip