Hui:

dear bloggie, i have not abandoned u!! here i come~~ with my post! wahaha.. sorry tt i took such a long time to post an enrty. but i'm still faster than some ppl lor. till now also haven update.. =P anyway, like wad i have written in my last entry, started work on monday at NDC. let me update abt it now. thesis coming..

Monday:
left house at 7.30am and reached at 8.15am. e place's at level 7, where e admin dept and HR staff are there.. met e HR person and then i was posted to e finance dept. e finance manger's my supervisor. e ppl there are nice and friendly. i seem to prefer them more than my classmates (of cos not jana or jess that batch one la haha =x). its seriously a total female wokring environment. i dun see any guys on my level. but tt's not impt la. haha.. was tasked to do simple jobs.. like printing reports, data entry and compiling reports. my seat is a humble place, right at e end of e office where all e reports are kept and where e air-con is darn cold (was wearning 4/4 sleeve and i still felt very cold!)! nearly got frozen to death when one of my collegues came to look for reports and offered to lend me her extra jacket. so niceeeeeee! mus thank her again when i leave. she saved my life man!

hmm.. from e way my manager's explaining stuffs to me, i dun think she noes tt i'm from IT. kinda treated me like an IT idiot. but its ok.. jus let her say lor. act dumb. hehe =P i was quite worried abt lunch time, cos i dun wanna eat alone. then, one of them asked me if i wanted to join them. and yay~ got company for lunch liao. they speak both english and chinese. nice! after lunch, e manager brought me to see e finance director. she said she wants me to do something for her. i like their coperate culture leh. cos everyone in e dept calls everyone by their name. so its like not very formal tt kind. hehe.. anyway, e director asked me to print some excel thingie la.. and check e files. she wanted to make sure tt i noe how to do, so she asked me to do one example for her to see. and she asked me to sit on her chair. wahaha.. director's place wor. after work, went to leon's bdae bbq with fat. thanks fat! for coming all e way to outram and go pasir ris with me. and all e serving too! thanks!

Tuesday:
same thing lor.. was very motivated and awake on e first day.. then started to get sleepy and naughty liao. signed in web msn and chatted with fat, sky and skg. they kanna caught by police oh. haha =X ok la, dun be so evil. same routine.. sian ah.. do work, doze off, lunch, do work, same thing over and over again. no satisfaction. learn nothing leh.

Wed:
its fun to hear them tok. i mean my collegues. haha quite cute. they tok abt e doctors there. i have yet to see any handsome doctors. hopefully next week. told u le, my level 7 no guys de lor. and i dun get e chance to go to other levels. even if so, i cant get into e labs where they perform all e operations. sian sia. and omg, i heard a man's voice. someone from level 8. e place i wan to be in, the IT dept. but was turned off by e way he speaks. its not tt he speaks very ungentlemanly or wad la. but e fact is tt he is a malaysian. sorry, no offence.. but wad i wanna say is tt.. his english prounuciation not very good lor.. chinese... u all noe la.. how malaysians speak chinese.. -_- so i din kpo to pop up head and see..

e whole finance went for lunch together cos they wanna celebrate some audit thing la. i din join them. e manager gave me e key and ask me to lock e door b4 i go and jus in case they have not come back b4 me, i can still go in. so locked e door and had lunch alone at pearl's center. chicken rice! not bad, quite nice. ate one slice of honey dew. eeyer, not nice de. not cold, not sweet. -_- heng ah, when i came back b4 them. y i say heng leh? it's becos i forgot to switch off e lights. hahha.. luckily no one found out!

went back to my seat and slacked for a while. then that IT guy came again. this time onli me at office mah. so no choice have to go to him lor. saw him. he... i dunno how to decribe him. but he reminds me of david gan. tt mediacorp hairstylist. he doesnt look like him la. but dunno y kanna reminded of him. er xin right? but tt guy is much much better than david gan definetely.

met tim and he suggested going to bishan. so msged mei and went for dinner with her together. cos she attachment at bishan north cc mah. while waiting for her, tim and i went to walk walk at NTUC. saw a weird boy. i think he's not in his right mind. he was standing infront of a stack of box de tissue papers and he started to push them all off e rack. i was like "wtf is he doing?!" and i tot he was jus being rebelious. a guy, i dunno how's he related to e boy, cos he looked too old to be his dad and too young to be his grandfather. anyway, this guy asked him wad was he doing and y was he pushing it off e rack. and u noe wad e boy said??? he said "no! i din push them off e rack or onto e floor! someone did it! not me!" i'm damn shocked! OMG.. he split personality izzit? and as he was saying that, he still pushing everything onto e floor leh! OMG so scary.

thurs:
whee, 2 more days to endure and tt's it! weekend le! can't really remember wad i did yesterday. think its e same thing la. printing and compiling lor. nothing much to elaborate on. still haven no seen any doctors. let alone handsome ones. wahaha

fri:
yes! last day to weekend! lunch-in office today. they order packet food so of cos i also la. i dun wanna go out eat alone. continue doing my things lor. and then got new task. this task hor, if i eat snake will kanna exposed de. cos this printer is in e finance dept, not upstairs. so if i dun print something, they'll noe.. cos e printer is those big big dot matrix one, very noisy. hai cannot doze off for awhile lioa. haha.. anyway, another person, i think she's assistant manager. asked me to do something for her. finally get a chance to visit other level and meet some other ppl. she brought me to level 3 and met e nurse manager. also very nice. e helpdesk ppl are nice too. we were in e patient's recovery room while waiting for some documents to be processed. there was a guy there. he was with his dad. he looked so painful. he jus finished an op. an op for his wisdom tooth, i think. well, that was wad e asst manager and me assumed la. haha.. a chill went down my spine man. i hate destist. e guy really look painful lor. omg..

and yay, its 5.30pm and i can go!! let my sup signed e timesheet and she said maybe she'll extend me until 16th. but she need to tok to e HR ppl lor. extend longer leh. and i hope i am well-liked, so tt i can ask them to refer me to IT dept? haha.. i think too far le hor. my skills arent good enuff. hais. anyway, its weekend!! time to enjoy and sleep late!!

sat:
later plan is to go zx's house with mei to fix e internet connection. go meet tim while mei meets da ge. then all of us meet. shall update again. see ya guys!

ting:

the worst time to engage in verbal combat is at the start of the day. especially when you haven't done anything wrong. is snoozing an extra ten minutes a crime? what makes it constitute as bad time management?? but yeah, why it is the worst time... it comsumes your entire mind and soul for the rest of the day, making you so pissed you're incapable of generating complete thoughts and studying.

i'm sick and tired of this life i'm leading. so far, it has been the pits. it's just one vicious cycle, one bad thing leads to another.

what do you even want me to say? you think that, just by being older, you're wiser and hence, whatever you think, whatever you feel, whatever you suggest must be correct. i'm sorry to hand you such a huge reality check BUT wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. and i'm not making this up. reader's digest did an article on it once, a couple of years back.

i feel like my opinions and feelings no longer count in anything. and for no apparent reason, i was accused of being self-centred. right. i was so self-centred i compromised and made the decision to go to nus, so that i could help you save money and take the financial burden off you. i was so self-centred i didn't push for what i wanted and get to come over to melbourne half a year ago. i was so self-centred that, when you brought up the suggestion to come over once again in december, i insisted on staying, using the excuse that i didn't see the point of just uprooting myself and having to adapt all over again so that i could help save money. i was so self-centred i INSISTED i wanted to stay, even after you asked once, twice, three times. and when you said it was for everyone's good, including your own, so that you can have an excuse to come over more often, to escape singapore's heat, humidity, and the stress level our external family is giving you, i was so self-centred i agreed to withdrawing from nus. here, i was so self-centred that, when you said i shouldn't move out from this hell-hole, that i should just grin and bear it, all for the sake of saving money, i ignored my intuition, i ignored my friends' advice, i'm risking life and limb. ALL because money is apparently so important to you. even more than my sanity.

what more do you want?

you claim you know me inside out. which is a total lie. if i can't even figure myself out, what makes you think you can? why is it i don't go running to you with all my troubles? because i don't want to add to your stress and worry level. because i know that, if i do that, you'll be even more upset than me, you won't be able to handle it, and i'll end up feeling ten times worse at the end of it all. and it's not like the suggestions you give me are fantastic. on the contrary, you make me feel as though my feelings don't count. like when i got my heart broken? you said, "why make such a big deal out of it? it's not even love. why make yourself so upset over a guy?". so i'm not supposed to have a mind of my own, i'm not allowed to show what i'm feeling. and now, it appears that i'm not even allowed to choose who to like! you say stuff like, "he's a good catch, don't let him go." disregarding the fact that i feel nothing for that person whatsoever. so what do you want me to do? throw a net over him? kidnap him and force him to marry me? then the next day you change your mind and say, "i don't want you to go into a relationship. it's not worth it. you'll be wasting your time. your studies will be affected. don't get married. guys are jerks." or "can you hurry up and get married so i can wash my hands off you?" you're confusing me.

in addition to that, i hate it when you belittle me. it's bad enough when you say things like, "you're so ugly" or "you'll probably end up being left on the shelf because i don't see any guys going after you" to me. it's worse when you do it in front of my friends and family. how do you want me to react? maybe i should come out with something like, "oh yeah, i'm ugly. it so happens that i got all the bad looking genes from you" or "guys don't go after me because i'm not goodlooking and they are superficial idiots"? you accused me of being insensitive... may i ask, who's the one being insensitive here?

and when i do well in school, there's no reaction from you. no praise, no comments, nothing. it's not like i crave attention or love or praise. it's just that i would like to see my efforts being acknowledged. you don't. you only find fault when my grades are bad. when i get a B, you say, "what? only a B? why are your marks so low?" and so i go ahead and get an A and you don't say anything about it. even after i got back my a-level results, my dad was the only one going around telling everyone who'd listen how proud he was of me. you? you didn't say a word, you just basked in the glory of relatives' admiration. what do you want out of me?

i feel that all my life, i've just been trying to live up to the expectations you set for me. i know what you would like your daughter to achieve, and seeing there is no other to do it for you, i go ahead and try fulfill your wishes. i set ridiculously high expectations for myself, so much so that i keep falling short of it and disappointing myself. and when i feel deep down in the dumps, i long to hear you say "it's ok, you tried your best and i'm proud of you" but it doesn't happen. everytime i disappoint myself, i feel like i've let the whole world down.

pei and adel think i've become increasingly grades conscious. i admit that to a certain extent, i have. but how do you want me not to, when all i get are "advice" such as "you HAVE TO be on par with what the school is teaching." "you HAVE TO achieve more than average results." "you CANNOT let all our money go to waste.". if i'm setting myself up for so much more stress by coming over here, why did i make that decision in the first place? i WANT more than average results, i WANT to do well, i WANT to end up being somebody. but having additional pressure? from someone who should be loving me unconditionally, irregardless of who i am? it doesn't help i'm living with a medical student. you know how prestigious the medical faculty is considered to be. people with exceptional grades get in. (sorry mag, i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. i'm just stating facts.. the way the world view medicine as a whole.) so now i get compared not only with my incredibly brillant cousins, but with the person i live with. "wow! i didn't expect medical faculty to have so much readings! wow, you people must be really smart to do all that! wow! you people are so brave to dissect a dead body. wow! it's amazing! wow! you really have to have a hell lot of passion to want to be a doctor..." what's wrong with commerce? it isn't easy as well you know. i know the workload for medicine is really heavy, i know that in comparison, commerce is close to nothing. but seeing i am in that faculty, why are you giving me the impression that it is not good enough? with say, faculties like medicine, dentistry and pharmacy? faculties which requires more than four As to get in?

you don't want me to move out. yet, you want me to achieve fabulous grades and do marvellously well. don't you see the misalignment here? in order to do fabulously well, i need zero distractions, my own space and tons of time to study. by asking me to remain put, it means that i will have TONS of distractions (plus the fact my flatmate's mother is coming) and i won't be able to concentrate! as a result, i have to result to sleeping in the afternoons and staying up till 4 or 5am to study. and this affects my concentration in class the next day. i'm just engaging in self-destruction by doing this.

i'm tired. i don't feel like i'm a good enough person. i feel compelled to do things the way you want me to do them, instead of the way i want to. it's not low self-esteem but i don't feel good enough. if you're gonna come out with so many accusations about me, then it's gonna make me doubt what kind of person i really am. after all, if it comes from someone who knew me ever since the day i was born, then it has to be true right?

maybe i'm just deluding myself, trying to put all the blame on you so as to make myself feel better. maybe i really am so self-centred i can't see where the world is coming from. maybe i am just a jinx and everything bad which is happening is because of me. maybe i really deserve all these and it's retribution for being the lowest of low creep in my past life. maybe i am indirectly responsible for things like natural disasters, terrorist attacks and tsunamis. i don't know. maybe.

i'm upset. over a problem which can't be solved because there's no way you're gonna see things from my perspective. because you're so convinced you're right that i "have a closed mind" and "i'm not wise/old enough to make my own decisions or feel the way i should". this problem is just gonna grow and grow and grow and become worse. if you don't change your mindset. we just aren't meant to be in a confined space for any amount of time.

i'm seriously upset. and i thought this week was supposed to work out better than the last.

in addition to that, my laptop hates me. my speakers are screwing up and refuse to emit any sound AT ALL. so i can't listen to music. can't engage in music therapy. everything is giving up on me. maybe i ought to just give up on myself as well.

ting:

i think hui has abandoned this blog. hmmm...

i am homesick!! in a major way. and i am having the deepest, most intense cravings for chicken rice! ughhhhhhhh. i wantttttt! i would give anything to be able to have a taste of poh poh's chicken rice once again. ughhhhhh!!! am envisioning myself getting off the plane at changi, running through customs, hopping into the first available cab and saying, "take me to the nearest chicken rice place!". sigh. yeah, it's gotten that bad. and funnily enough, i'm not craving for anything else. EXCEPT chicken rice!! :( can someone send a packet over for me??

i realised how much i miss the life i led back home. especially in pgp. now, i realise how good privacy feels, even when it means you're all alone and that when you're depressed, there's no one to turn to. but then, that's the whole purpose of having internet connection isn't it? you're connected to the outside world and when there are such wonderful people like hui, huili, adel and pei online, the loneliness would definitely be eased somewhat. i miss having my own room, my own bathroom, aircon, free electricity and water, free internet, the ability to do whatever you wish... sigh. miss jumping into bed and sleeping for 2 to 3 hours right after class, then being online the entire day and night, studying late into the night and having the window in front of my study table to keep me entertained... watching amazing race and csi on wednesdays (australia's tv programs suck. don't ask. they're still at amazing race 6!! the kris and jon one. jeez.), studying with fellow night owls till unearthly hours, gushing over mno guy with huili and trying to get to know him... sigh. i miss all that.

i know it's easy to forget the bad times and remember only the good. i appreciate the fact that i'm able to come over here and do what most people can't, as well as having the opportunity to meet incredible people here and doing stuff you won't usually get to do back home in singapore. but hey, when you're homesick, you can't help it!!

should i go back in winter? suba may be going back and if she does, i will be all alone!! after pei and neela leaves that is. ugh! but if i do, it is only two weeks and so not worth it!! sigh... ok, let's make a list.

pros:
1. i'll be able to eat my fill of chicken rice!!!
2. a little bit of singapore's warmth and humidity would be much welcomed after two months of freezing cold weather.
3. i'll be able to meet up with all my friends and family. and get a chance to see the people i miss so badly...
4. i'll be able to get some stuff to bring over here... basic necessities are so expensive! and guess what? all my highlighters are dying on me, one by one. :(
5. i won't be all alone.
6. i'll be able to indulge in local cuisine!!
7. i'll be able to listen to gold 90fm day and night WITHOUT interruptions!!

cons:
1. terribly expensive. probably $1000 for airfare?
2. what's the point when pei is coming over and adel going to america? i won't be able to see adel!! :( (see adel? you are missed! hehe)
3. all my friends would probably be working...so that leaves only weekends to go out. and if i'm back for only two weeks... isn't that just four days to go out and see everyone?????
4. my lease ends (thank God!) in july so i'll have to attend to some stuff like moving out, settling in again and making the place homely.
5. all my plans to ransack rowdan white's library for books and dvds would come to nought.
6. can't work = no money = poor = cannot buy good books and enjoy myself!

sigh. decisions decisions. what do you guys think? your inputs are much appreciated!!

ting:

i can't study!!!! why why why?? this is a major disaster, especially seeing i haven't touched my books for the past two weeks due to all those problems i was facing. now is a good time, but i am still not motivated! ughhhhh!!!

why aren't there people in college square who have weird studying habits like me? people who would be willing to sit up and mug till 5am in the morning? i miss pgp all of a sudden... know a number of night owls who would oblige to studying with me. adel would certainly be more than happy to sit up with me in the tutorial room till dawn and join me in my econs or management or whatever it is marathon. when exams are drawing near that is. any other time and we can forget it. hehe... no offense adel! it applies to me as well. and there are huili and zicong who would be happy to sit with me in a freezing tutorial room till odd hours like 4am. here?? sigh...

let's see. i doubt suba would go to bed that late. she'd probably hit the sack by 1am. and mag sleeps at a ridiculously early hour. 11pm! that's when i start looking at my notes! carol? she sleeps late i know, though not as late as me. but i'm not close to her and i doubt she'd want to do such a crazy thing with me. nicola? she's too young, plus she has her bunch of friends to hang out with. javin? i'm not sure of his sleeping habits. leona? now that's a thought. but i don't know how studying with her is gonna be like... i'll probably get all stressed out! and she's someone who values privacy a lot.. she may not want to study together.

sigh. how how how???????

i miss pgp!! :( adel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ting:

i can't believe i'm doing this. proves how bored i am... and how reluctant to start studying. ugh!

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Where are you currently located?: melbourne, australia

What is your age?: 19 going 20. sigh. i feel old.

How has this year been for you so far?: erm... good and bad i suppose, in various ways. it's difficult to say it has been great or it has been disgusting.

What do you like most about yourself?: what?? i don't know... right about now, i can't find anything to like.

what do you hate most about yourself?: haa! tons of things. i can't even begin to make a list... let's see. my overly talkative conscience which should seriously just shut up and leave me alone, my inability to keep the bathroom dry (hence resulting in extra work all the time. sigh), how incapable i am of waking up at designated times, ..... must i really list down everything?

What is the most pressing worry in your life at this moment?: i have two. all my clothes seem to be shrinking. or i'm growing out of them. either way, it's a huge worry because i'm living on a very tight budget and i can't afford to go to a surf shop and splash 80 over bucks on a piece of garment (though i gotta admit, the surf shops in australia have the most fantastic clothes EVER!). another one would be the doorknob which is threatening to drop off the bathroom door. i already made a maintainence report, but knowing the efficiency level in college square, they probably would only start getting round to fix it AFTER it has totally deserted my door altogether.

Do you smoke?: smoke?? where did you get that from?

Do you drink?: non-alcoholic drinks, yes.

Have you ever gotten into an accident?: on my bike, yeah. i was trying to avoid some stupid squirrel which ran across the road just inches away from my front wheel and i forgot that brakes were there for a purpose, resulting in a very close encounter with a lamp post.

Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?: *blinks* i think there are girls i admire and idolise. if i ever had a crush on one, i don't remember.

Have you ever had a crush on someone of the opposite sex?: duh. countless thousands i think.

The question all of us have been waiting for. Do you like someone now or are you attached?: sounds like the whole purpose of this is to get to know the details of my love-life. why wasn't this the first question then?

Do you believe in making the first move?: it depends on the situation and circumstances. but i don't believe in playing mind games. in fact, i downright hate it.

Do you feel that people should tell the one they love how they feel?: yeah i guess. it is reassuring, though actions of course, speak louder than words. but i definitely agree that love needs expression.

What makes up your dream date?: hmmm. i think he doesn't exist. either that or he has gotten himself eaten up by a crocodile. but the most important thing is that i have to be comfortable in his presence. i wouldn't like dating someone who intimidates me.

What is the most romantic thing a girl/guy ever done for you?: *raise eyebrows* wouldn't you like to know?

Ideal place for marriage?: i was a geography student and hence i love landscapes. somewhere with gorgeous scenery, like new zealand or haiwaii.

Ideal place for honeymoon?: i guess it doesn't really matter, as company counts more than anything. though the weather has to be bearable! not singapore definitely, it's too humid!

What is it in life you want the most now?: i'm greedy. i don't just want one thing. but i really really want a dog! you have no idea how envious i am when i see people walking their dogs in the parks and/or the beach. i would dearly love to cuddle a dog i can call my own and lavish all my love onto it. preferably a big dog, like a collie or golden retriever. but i can compromise for a smaller one, like a pomeranian for instance. i love their sharp ears and bushy tails! but for now, i guess i have to settle for a cactus. one with flowers so it can brighten up the place in winter. and because australia is so dry and the weather unpredictable... i want a hardy plant, not something which would just die on me. i also want a very good book, went into a bookshop yesterday and i was in such pain! every single book i picked up (which is probably more than 10!) seemed interesting and good! there's nothing i love more than a good read. love books which make you think and ponder over issues... sigh. but i'm poor so didn't get anything. my friends had to drag me out of the shop before i ended up buying the entire place!

What is the most achievable feat you have accomplished this year?: it hasn't even been half a year! most achievable feat? i've no idea... can't think of anything which i'm particularly proud of. maybe baring my heart and coming clean for once? and having the guts to do it and survive the ordeal. maybe.

Final question! What are you most passionate about now?: music music and music!! any other time you ask this question, the answer will be the same. i can't survive without music. right now, i just LOVE the eagles! love love love them!! they have fabulous songs, though not everyone will be able to appreciate them of course. i love the way they can come up with such catchy tunes and meaningful lyrics... lyrics which you can really relate to in life. and every line is packed full of meaning. love them!

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Hui:

paiseh ppl, i'm soo lazy, and my life is so uninteresting. nothing to write. everyday is e same routine. wake up, eat, online, see job ad, send resume, waiting for calls from agency, waiting for ppl to call me go interview, sleep, play game, eat, sleep. -_- so sian man. but luckily i gonna work for 2 weeks (10days nia) at e National Dental Center. do some admin work. well, better than nothing la. at least some money to keep me going. hehe.. tt's all i have to update ppl!

ting:

fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

my mum doesn't want me to move out.

how can i survive till june/july though things are getting better??

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

her mum is coming over on 20th of may AND staying with US till exams are over!!

how am i ever gonna study?????????

*tears hair out*

how can you be so sure she's gonna be nice to me and not bully me into doing all the household chores and cooking?? (cinderella story playing in mind)

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!

i'm screwed.

i'm dead.

sorry people, for not being able to keep my promise and come back in dec. but you'll see me sooner though, at my funeral.

fuck.

*frustrated*

Hui:

i believe in karma. what u give is what u get in return. its a vicious cycle. i shall return u what u gave me. i swear i'll make u pay for it.

fuk it. no games to play. gb kicked me out. no ppl online to tok to. dun feel like sleeping. feeling so frustrated.

i wan a decent job with reasonable pay. of cos have to be relevant to what i've learnt la. nvm, i'll continue to hunt and wait.

PS: i hate hao lian ppl and hypocrites too. a lot.

Hui:

raa.. i'm jobless.. -_-

tt's all i wanna say.. life's boring for me.. nothing much to update..

ting:

today's been a weird day. i can't tell you how weird. and i don't know if it's a good or bad sign. but anyhow, i'm feeling tons better, thanks to pei and adel for that wonderful conversation! miss you guys loads... looking forward to seeing you'll soon! and pei's webcam cheered me up... hehe.. it was hilarious! pei, bring your webcam over! so we can have conferences with adel in america! and thanks for all the wonderful support you guys provided me with... feeling stronger and much more optimistic. and definitely a lot more light-hearted!!

thanks hui for calling me again, though the call lasted for 6mins 58 secs. ugh! why must international phone calls be so expensive? but yeah, it was good. thanks babe.. hope you get a job soon. and i'll email you soon, after i get this long detailed email to my dad typed out.

thanks zicong for the phone call too! that was very good timing on your part, seeing it came immediately after i ended my conversation with hui! felt a whole lot better just whining and grumbling in general. all the best for exams and in helping huili clean her fan (huili! shame on you! dunno how to clean your fan?? tsk tsk. wahahahah!).

i'm happy now! :D

ting:

let's do a survey. on how stupid i am. hands up all those who agree with my previous statement.

i can't believe myself. i'm dying, it's hurting so bad, all i'm interested in doing is confronting a certain someone, to get that certain someone to go over the details with me, explaining why she did what she did. so at least, i can come to the conclusion as to whether i have been betrayed. and why am i not doing just that? it's because that certain someone has a test this coming friday, i know she'd probably be so freaking stressed out about it i don't want to add on to that. and hence, i'm killing myself silently in the process.

isn't that stupidity? you have no idea how furious i am at myself. why do i have to think about others before i think of myself? why can't i just let it go? why does it keep having to re-play in my mind? i'm trying to act normal, i want things to go back to being normal, i don't want our friendship to be affected. but wanting it and feeling that way is not the same. i'm alternating between feeling downright depressed (that's when i convince myself it's all my fault) and anger (that's when i'm convinced she's to be blamed). sigh. this is such a fucked up situation.

i wish there could be someone i can talk to about it. but there's no one. i don't want to drag more people into this, i don't want more people to be caught in the middle. and all those i can fully trust back home are busy with exams. i don't want to disturb them, seeing they have better things to do than listen to me and my never ending problems.

what's wrong with me? why can't i just snap out of it?

being rejected by the guy you like hurts a lot less than this. trust me. feelings can't be forced but actions can be thought over and delibrated before the person executes his or her moves.

i no longer care who reads this blog.

i'm having problems from all angles, problems which are unable to be resolved, my stress level is just steadily going up. why must my parents be so indecisive about my new apartment? why can't i just go into it and resolve further matters later? can't we take things a step at a time? why must i cross the bridge before i even get to it?

my mum keeps trying to remind me the reason why i'm here and that's not helping either. in fact, it just makes me more furious. furious at my inability to handle situations, furious at her for not understanding what i'm going through, furious at her for always asking me to snap out of it, furious at myself for not being able to snap out of it........

sigh.

can God just bring me straight up to heaven, right here right now? or send me to hell. whichever works. i guess even hell is better than being on earth.

i'm not even 20 and already, i'm world weary.

keep trying to think what it is i have done to deserve such retribution. maybe there really was a past life and i was just the lowest creep you could ever encounter. maybe.

fuck man. i wish i could just drop dead. that'd solve pretty much everything.

guess it'll happen soon anyway, the way i'm keeping things inside me and not willing to confide in anyone anymore. my brain will just explode and that will be the end.

bye people. if that really happens.

feeling pessimistic.

ting:

i'm tired.

woke up feeling emotionally drained. in this past week, i've gone through every emotion there is to go through. exhaustion, frustration, betrayal, hurt...the list just goes on.

have you ever tried keeping a smile glued to your face when all you wanted to do was just break down and cry?

it's no one's fault really. i made the mistake and now, i'm paying the price.

work is starting to feel slightly therapeutic. maybe it's just something to keep my mind off the whole entire situation, and what a mess my life has become.

i give up. it's gotten to the point i'm so tired i couldn't care less. if you want to hurt me, go ahead. i can't be bothered with thinking about who i can or cannot trust. if you're gonna betray me, do me a favour and keep it under wraps. ignorance is bliss. what i don't know won't hurt me. if you want to talk things through, i've nothing to say but i'll listen if you want me to.

i no longer care about disappointing myself or living up to my own expectations. what's the point, seeing i disappoint myself on more than a regular basis? it probably serves me right... i think too highly of myself. i overestimate my capabilities. i think i can achieve great things when in fact, i am nothing.

this two months felt like eternity. i feel as though i've seen enough of the world to last me a lifetime. i'm not even 20 and i feel as though i'm 100 years old.

only bright side about today was getting back my accounting assignment. at least the one sem in nus wasn't wasted.

i'm tired. and there are still pieces left to pick up.

just let it go.

ting:

trust. it's the word of the century but i feel like i can no longer depend on it. all the time spent this week building up my defenses and weaving this protective web around me is wasted. i'm - for lack of a better term - shattered.

i look at the ground and i see pieces of me lying all around.

the worst feeling in the world is not disappointment or solitude. instead, it's when you have countless people around you and yet, you feel all alone.

i wish i could get on the next flight back to singapore. and to be among people i know won't hurt me.

what sucks is that i don't feel angry or resentful. instead, i feel stupid and guilty, for wasting so much time, for appearing so vulnerable.

hui. i really wish you were here. so that at least, there can be someone i can pour my heart and soul out to. and because you are someone who wouldn't hurt me delibrately.

it's time to close the case and move on. and it's time i learnt to be more cautious with who i'm mixing with.

realised how used i am to having people be there for me. guess it's time for a change, a time for me to grow up and realise the world is a damn ugly place.

to all those who is/was there for me, irregardless of whether you meant to or not, thank you. i appreciate it and i'm sorry for wasting all that time.

for now, i can only draw strength from the knowledge that this learning process would make me a better and stronger person. hopefully.

ting:

oh my goodness!! i'm horrified!! i really am! how is it that i never realised how much work there is to do? attempted doing my micro econs tutorial and oh my gosh! i couldn't do it!! ugh!! this is a disaster... it shouldn't happen! i apologise if i come across sounding like a know-it-all but seriously. it IS micro and i've done EVERYTHING in jc before! this is really bad! my life is over. :(

AND somehow, i had this weird notion management readings ONLY consisted of chapters from the textbook. i have no idea why i disregarded the reading pack i paid 20 over bucks for but yes, i did. i only refered to it when i needed tutorial materials/questions. anyhow, i did a little flip-through a couple of seconds ago and i nearly died of shock. there is TONS of material inside to read! bloody hell, how come i was dumb enough not to know that? this is terrible! now i've so much catching up to do. and i finally know why my management class seems so knowledgable. how depressing.

i can't believe 6 weeks just flew by like that. and in another 6 weeks time comes judgement day. exams. (those who're in nus/ntu and about to take their exams now probably have this huge intense urge to slap me) WHAT have i been doing all this while? i didn't party that much did i? jeez jeez jeez... *goes into panic mode* ok, this seriously HAS to change. from now onwards, it will be STUDY STUDY STUDY. goodbye social life. hello books, readings, printed materials and afternoons in the library. UGHHHHHH!!!

hui:

jay!! woot~ shuai dai le! *jay overdose* wahaha =P

ting:

this is a fucked up situation. and i'm stuck in a fucked up place in a fucked up world surrounded by fucked up people. i think irregardless of culture, country, place and people, the world is essentially the same. no one cares. fuck college square and their inefficiency. what shit man. i don't fucking want to HEAR you say that you understand and sympathise. SHOW ME you understand and sympathise!!!! they're not gonna do anything about it until they talk to her. fuck man. what about me and my problems? what do they want me to do? wait till she kills me? or wait till i kill myself? or what if i cannot take things anymore and end up killing her? are they WAITING for that to happen?

mag is worried about me. she is wondering if it is because of her influence i'm getting so violent now or if it is due to intense, burning hatred. coz she said i seem to be talking a lot about poisoning and stabbing and stuff like that, which is so not me. and she feels i'm displaying signs of depression. sigh.

i feel all alone in this fight. and that no one understands, or cares for that matter. "who cares if she is all alone in a foreign land and just die there? so what? i have better things to worry about." that's how i feel people are thinking.

i probably have been a very vicious and horrible person in my last life and this is serving as a punishment. sad isn't it. i'm desperately trying to solve my problems here and all those capable of helping don't give a shit. i don't know what the fuck they want.

was over at mag's place yesterday and i made her so stressed she couldn't study, or do anything save eating a lot of brownies. i feel so guilty. i'm just dragging everyone down with me. mag was also so worked up she wanted to confront that fucked up creature but suba and i were urging her not to. there's no telling what that fucked up creature would do. what if her career is ruined because that thing does something to her? not good. i won't be able to live with myself if anything bad happens to her.

mag thought of swapping with that thing. as in, she moves down and that thing moves up to live with carol. this is really really kind of her and i appreciate it tons. but i don't think it's a good idea. first, i don't want to dump that fucked up creature on carol. poor carol! no one deserves to go through all these by living with that thing. it ought to be put in isolation. see? my distaste/hatred has grown so much i can't even bring myself to think of it as an actual human being. so from now on, i'm gonna refer to it as it, or fucked up creature. second, it is not fair for mag to move from her nice, beautiful apartment into this hell-hole. i mean, she obviously loves her room and all, i can't expect her to uproot and leave all that behind for me! i can't be so selfish. but she is a fabulous person really, to sacrifice all that and help me.

when we were toying with that idea, the both of us were really scared. we both now have a phobia of living with another person and we're terrified our friendship would be destroyed if we do end up staying under the same roof. she's too good a friend to lose. so we ended up listing down all our bad habits and going through our daily routines with each other.

i think in the final end, all of us will be better off if i move out and live in a single unit apartment. i don't particularly want to remain in this place and have bad memories of that thing. yucks. if college square is so fucked up they refuse to do anything about it, then perhaps that would have to be the final resort. poor carol though. mag doesn't really like her but disregarding all her bad habits, she really is an angel in comparison to that thing.

sigh. i don't know what to do. i wish the world was flat and that i could just push it off the surface of this earth. it may be the result of too many horror movies but i no longer view that thing as a thing even. more like a monster. or maybe a werewolf. because if you're gonna be so fucked up, even a cockroach is gonna garner more respect than you.

hui:

whee~ finally finished my last paper yesterday. so called graduated from NYP le. sad to say, i dun really miss my class.. i mean my new class for this last semester la. haha *so bad* went out with my after my last paper. jolene and jess finished their paper on e 7th already, so they came to sch to wait for us. there were 11 ppl in all. jol, jess, wanqian, jenny (surprisingly), xinzhi, kok choi, weetat, gifford, haojie, weiling and me! hais no brother jana.. cos she cannot make it. i'm sure e outing would be more fun if she were there. hehe.. we decided to go Cafe Cartel in PS for dinner. e guys went there in ckc's car, and e gals took e train there. since e guys are bound to reach first, i asked e guys to "book place" first. i dunno y, xinzhi dun seem to be in a good mood. she was isolating herself throughout the journey. i think its becos she was quite reluctant to come and jess and jol insisted that she come bah. anyway i din care much also.. cos i was too busy toking. and i asked abt her, she refused to tell me anything. so be it lor. =P anyway she went with us to PS but she din join us for dinner, and then she left -_- after dinner, jenny and haojie left as well. i think haojie had something on and jenny dun wanna stay with us la. haha cos she looked so eager to go off. anyway, dun really care if she's here or not.. cos i dun normally tok to her? wahaha *so bad!*

e gals suggested going east coast after dinner cos we wanted to sit at e back and enjoy e breeze. but we went to the bridge there to chat in e end. eh.. e stretch along esplanade. under benjamin sheares (i think i spelt this wrongly) bridge. e gals (jol, jess qian and me) sat at e back of ckc's pickup and it was really fun! we shouted and sang songs. e moment ckc drove out of PS carpark, he made a sharp turn and we shouted "boo!!" we din realise that there was a taxi stand beside e entrance/exit of e carpark. and so everyone was looking at us. wahaha dun care la. if we dun have fun now, and to scream and do all silly things, there wun be much time for us to do le. dun tell me u're gonna sit at e back of e pickyp and scream ur heads off onli at e age of 30?? ooo and e roller coaster ride. ckc was trying to swing us off and scare us. he certainly din manage get his plan working, cos i LOVE it. how would i be scared? its a pity that it was a short ride. =P

reach the bridge there at abt 910pm i think? found a spot and we all sat in a circle. took pictures with one another. then started our chatting session le. we talked abt a lot of things la. mainly crap. (like always) and i tok abt how much i dislike gals who ALWAYS "teh". there's one in my class. and another in my old class. wahaha i think u all noe who they are. and i went on to tok abt e "teh" one in my new class.. and tt i dun really like her cos i feel tt she is very proud of her looks. hmm, ok la, she is not bad lor. but no need to show that u noe u are pretty right? i mean, i dislike e feeling she gives others. that is, she thinks that she is pretty. -_- and ckc thinks that she is pretty. haha.. ok lor, i said "ya, she is not bad, but jus becos she thinks that she is pretty and is very proud of her looks, i wun consider her as good-looking or pretty" urgh! and i imitated someone in my old class. e way she "teh". they asked me to imitate e one in my new class. it was damn tough can. her one is "zui gao jing jie" (e highest level) of that "teh" skill already. no one can surpass her man. my dear Lili called me at 10pm, to "check" on me. and i tot after chatting for a while more can go home le. and woah, e next time i look at my watch is already 11.35pm. no more last train. so i din say anything and continued chatting. finally we left e place at around 1230am.

qian's dad came to pick her, and shun bian see jess home. then things were easier for ckc, cos jolene and weetat live near ckc and weiling, gifford and me lived in e same area. ckc sent us home. hehe.. so nice~ cos no bus no train liao. =D reached home, took a quick bath and went online. (although i was very tired) jol and ckc sent me e pics. eh, e pics not so nice leh. cos e background was dark. nothing special. haha.. finally finally went to sleep at 3am. very tired ah. woke up at 1pm today. paiseh, i should rephrase. woke up at 1pm jus now. wahaha =P

ahh so sian. "graduated" le. cannot imagine i have to go work le. EVERYDAY. ok la, not everyday. at least 5 or 5.5 days a week. long hours. no holiday, onli got 14 days leave. sian man. if i ever further my studies (which is impossible cos no $$), i think i would be happier? cos i dun wan to work. hahaha it may not be a good thing la. cos i would be broke. anyway, that's a if. i need to get a job soon. =(

ting:

for some weird reason, i feel really blue right now. and that makes me guilty, because i'm in a place i've always wanted to be and there's no reason why i'm feeling this way. i keep trying to tell myself there is no sin against being grumpy but it's not working. sigh. and it doesn't help i have to do three tutorials before tomorrow. procrastination. there it goes again. i never seem to be able to get all my work done before the onset of the weekend.

i've heard phil collin's separate lives a zillion times. but listening to it today, it made me really sad. perhaps it's time i change my taste in music and start listening to happier songs. but slow songs are conducive for studying. ugh.

dreamt i had a dog last night. a golden retriever. can't help wondering when i can finally get my dog. must be a result of me thinking about investing in a fierce dog to protect me against the lunatic i live with. maybe a rottweiler. or a doberman. a boxer? how about i just ask kok choi to loan me his two very very very fierce dogs?? that would pretty much do the trick.

this is mag's advice to me... on how to deal with that lunatic. i think it's pretty amusing. here goes.

"you gotta agitate her until she really cannot take it any longer. then when she blows up at you, you have every right to blow back because she started it first and it's naturally her fault. when you do blow up however, you gotta keep going till she backs down. make sure you aren't so tired your flare-up only lasts a couple of minutes. intimidate her. also, make her so angry she hits you, because once she does that, whatever you do next is all in self-defense (wahahhaha! i love that part!). do a judo throw on her and fling her onto her back. then go up to her on the pretext you're helping her up, grab her by the collar and say 'fuck you bitch', then let go and let her fall back. step briefly on her neck so she can't breathe, then walk away."

cool huh? looks like i gotta start taking judo classes.

on a sidenote.. don't eat chocolate unless you are really craving for it. now i feel sick.

ting:

what's with australians and sex? jeez!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEISHAN!!! hope you got my sms... stay sweet and cheerful and may our good Lord keep you safe and close by His side. God bless!!

i orginally planned to bitch more about my flatmate but i'm kinda sick and tired of it all. plus i'm sure there are people out there who would want to throw their shoes at me if i whine about it again so i'll spare you. just please. DON'T give me advice which includes, "bear with it". "tolerate it". "be strong". "ignore her and all will be fine". "why not sit down and have a good chat with her?". it WILL NOT work. especially tolerating. you can't see me, you have no idea what it is doing to me. and you haven't seen what mag and suba saw. even what they saw wasn't the worst.

my insommia is back. couldn't sleep the whole of last night. and the past few days.. been waking up at 2.30am and lying in frustration till 4.30am. sigh. during the day, i'm exhausted as well. gives additional meaning to the phrase "too exhausted to sleep". just saw suba a couple of minutes ago and she said i looked terrible.. my eyes are all puffy and i looked like a zombie. i can't comment... seeing i have no desire to go near the mirror. mag attributed my insommia to me being stressed out by my flatmate. i don't know. perhaps.

God. this suck.

My birthday cake, bright bright candle and me!






THE cake~! (although finished le)






Dark pic.. Flash wasnt on and lights were dimmed.






Taking photo while singing!






Mei and me again! Pic taken with Eny's new phone. but she nv on night mode. -_-






Mei and Jol






Mei's sexy pose and Jol checking it out!






Acting shocked!






E 3 of us? Where is Eny?? Help us take e pic lar~






Jol and me at e FarEast bus stop waiting for bus to go home.






Jol and me testing Eny's camera! take outside e KTV






Jol and Eny~ Eny looks sian.






Trying to be funny but not funny =X






Woohoo~ nice pic!






Group photo, but all of us dun look nice






This is Eny!! The choir chairperson during sec sch. She has nice voice!






This is Eny and Mei.. i dunno wad to say abt this pic. cos its so dark and i cant see anything on my monitor






Eny and Me!!






Eny and me again!






ooo this is again, eny and me. wahaha






The birthday gal! wahaha *blur pic, i like*

hui:

whee~! happy birthday to me!! =D (actually i wrote this entry on 5th April, 51mins past 12midnight but i saved it as draft.. couldn't finish typing as i was vrey tired)

went out with jana and ckc on sat late afternoon. but jana went off halfway cos she need to go kallang indoor stadium to watch Avril Lavgine's concert. actually ckc wanted to bring me go buy Levis jeans. a gift from him, tim and da ge. Tim joined us at night. e 3 of us went to 2 outlets in bugis, one in seiyu and e other one somewhere near e nike shop. tried on a pair of levis jeans (599), and OMG, i am fat!! its true! my tummy is big! think ppl who have seen my tummy would think tt i'm 3 or 4 months pregnant or something. my waist size WAS 24, and i knew i couldn't fit into a 24-inch jeans so i tried 25. and OMG, i can't wear! e button is NOWHERE NEAR. -_- so i tried size 26, and it was so difficlt to button. i almost died. spent abt 5-10mins squeezing into e jeans. i'm not exaggerating. its true! anyway, i din buy cos 1 shop has my size, but dun have e colour that i want, and e other shop has e colour but dun have e size. i thought i should drop e idea of buying jeans.

went out with mei, eny and jol to cineleisure K-Box to celebrate my birthday. they are so sweet. ordered a cake (i think e cake cost a bomb). i wasn't really surprised becos... i saw eny's and mei's expression when they keep asing jol to go out of e room with eny to order some food. and, tt waiter came into e room and asked "wad u all ordered jus now? cake ah?" haha so i noe le lor. but i really appreciate it a lot. it was really sweet of them. took pics with eny's new phone, Nokia 6260. it was damn dark lor. wonder y she din on night-mode. -_- (actually mei brought her sis' d-cam, but it was low-batt) i lazy to go into details of wad happened.. so if u guys wanna noe, go read Mei's blog. haha =X

received a call from some IBM Unix Server company to go for an interview for e post of Unix Trainer on my bday. wahaha. birthday luck! it was some job advertisement tt i saw online and apply for fun. i certainly wun qualify for it! cos i have absolute no background abt Unix server. i went on with it, taking it as my first job interview experience. got Fat to accomapany me, and also to find tt place. i dunno where e place is. and woot, he is good at map reading. wahaha. e interview was at 9am, and i arrived late. opps.. fat waited for me outside, but when i came out of e room, he was in e office. he said e managing director invited him in. =O the interview was VERY VERY similar to wad i have gone thru during my mock interview in sch. e onli difference is tt i wasn't nervous at all. i applied everything i've learnt.. and from e way he was toking, i tot he tot badly of me and i'm someone he would definitely NOT employ. so i was thinking "no hope liao. let's bunk this interview". so when he asked me if i have any questions, i said no. (this is wad my lecturer told me, if u dun wan e job, jus say no, u do not have any questions). and guess wad? he taught me interview skills. he said "now, let me tell u, for every job intreview, u mus prepare some questions" blah blah blah. i sux right. yeah. i thought so too. he then said if i'm interested, he'll bring me over to another building to look at e training classrooms and servers after interviewing another gal. i said ok, and waited for him with Fat at e canteen. Fat went with me, as invited by e managing director. e other gal wasnt there. e managing director then continue to tok abt e job aspects and unix. and guess wad? he acually tot i wasn't too bad. i was damn surprised. he said my spoken english is not bad and i'm presentable. in addition to tt, he said he asked me to come over to see e classroom becos i'm not too bad, as compared to other ppl he has interviewed. i had an ego boost! haha.. anyway, in conclusion, he asked me to think abt it, cos he's not in a rush to find someone and asked me to give him a call if i'm interested. sounds like e job's waiting for me right.. but actually no la. if u had heard EVERYTHING he said to me during e interview, u wouldn't want e job as well. i feel tt i'm not up to e job's expectation. i'm not good enuff.. and i dun think i can do it. really.. i'm not being inferior here, but i noe my abilities. he said too much stuffs, and i'm lazy to elaborate here. Ting, i'll call u after my last paper. and those who are interested to noe, call me bah. haha =P

after e interview, went to SIR buidling to take passport photo, so tt i can use them in my resume. (and plus e fact that i'm already in formal wear). i volunteered to accompany Fat eat, but he said its ok. so he went home and i met up with Tim. we went Suntec to have lunch. lunch was at Swensen's (again). walked around and passed by e Levi's shop. saw e jeans on display, quite nice (cos e mannequin wear mah, of cos nice, but when i wear is kns). it was 599 de. went to try it once again, and i FINALLY got e technique in buttoning and unbuttoning e jeans. e jeans has no zip. i got size 26. e person said i was a bit loose. LOOSE?! i could hardly button it and she calls it loose? i noe liao la. IT MUS BE MY TUMMY. arghh! i'm FAT! now i understand y do slim gals like jolynn say she's fat. maybe they are jus like me. fat at e tummy! wahahaha.. or was it retribution on me?? cos i teased alex for too many times than he deserved it. =( but hey, i'm not feeling guilty. neither will i stop teasing him. wahahaha.. anyway anway, i bought it in e end. hehe..

went home, slept, started studying. seriously not enuff time to study for my paper on e 6th. it was Mr Foo's paper! i think i flunk it. borderline grade i'll get. he was in e examination hall all e while. i can't help but to keep lifting my head up to look at him. =X he came over to my desk to check on my admin card, i din look up. he came over to tell me to change e question number in e paper, i din look up. when he came over to collect my answer sheet, i din look up too. i dunno y. i'm jus... weird? anyway, me and him IMPOSSIBLE de lor. so tt's y i din show. haha.. i think he thinks i'm indifferent towards him. or mayeb he thinks i hate him. cos i kept giving him e "u-think-u-very-charming-meh?" attitude. little does he noes! or little does my friends noe. :$ :$ :$ i wasnt allowed to leave e examination hall during e last 10mins and so i spent e last 10mins looking at him. yeah, i noe i'm disgusting. but it was my last chance. no pics. :( IF IF IF IF i can choose and have e ability to change things, i wouldnt want him as my BF or husband. i would want him as my dad. =D becos if he were to be my guy, there would be lots of gals eyeing for him as well. but if he's my dad, i'll have no worries abt it! and its nice to have a handsome, cute, witty and smart dad! woot! am begging ckc to go take his pics. wahaha

PS: Ting, go read e draft!

ting:

at long last! two major assignments over and done with! you've no idea how grateful i am that all this is over. especially the management assignment which is worth 30% of my final grade! jeez... how crazy can they get? though i doubt i'd get very good marks for it, seeing i cringed when i read what i wrote. my poor tutor is gonna think, "what in the world was she thinking??" puke blood and die on the spot. ugh! but it's over and i don't want to talk about it. will have to wait till the next tutorial to know how well/badly i did. sighhh... my brain cells are seriously fried after today.

a special SHOUTOUT to jiehui and bernard... HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! hui, i'm so sorry i couldn't call on your birthday, was frantically trying to tune out my flatmate's whiny voice and rush through my assignment. plus the fact my calling card ran out of credit! this is ridiculous.. it shouldn't have happened. stupid singtel... i'm gonna sue them for misrepresentation! but anyway, i hope your birthday was great (as great as it can get without me there... hehe!) though i understand you had an exam on wednesday. poor you... hope it went well! :) love ya.. A LOT! ber, glad you got my overseas sms. hope you enjoyed yourself immensely too! :D

another special SHOUTOUT to suba and mag... thanks guys for letting me go over to your places to study! i'm so sorry for intruding, as well as for jacking up your electricity bills! ugh.. i feel so guilty.. but hopefully, i'll never have to do that again. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

today was pretty weird, in some sense. i kind of realised what an unfeeling person i am. it's pretty hard to score sympathy points with me and if i don't like you, i can be civil but no way am i gonna go out of my way to be nice to you. maybe the problem just lies with me, seeing she is popular and likeable outside the apartment. but whatever. i don't care. if i'm the problem, i shall do all of us a favour and remove it (ie. me).

her mum called today and i happened to answer the phone. she started berating me for being heartless... or, to quote her exact words, i have a "heart of stone" because i was so unemotional and untouched everytime my flatmate cried her eyes out when she spoke to her mum over the phone. i was so incredulous my jaw just dropped. for a second or so, i could think of nothing to say. hello? your daughter is crying because YOU are giving her stress and now YOU are trying to put the blame on ME? she went on and on, saying that i should show her daughter more care and concern, blah blah blah and make her feel more welcomed. because when she cries, it means she is miserable. and that it is all my fault. it was on the tip of my tongue to say, "excuse me but the last time i checked, it was YOU who made her cry, not ME". unfortunately, she cut me off rudely and asked to speak to her daughter. which in a way was good because if i came out and said that, it would reflect badly on my parents. she'd probably ramble on and on about them not teaching me manners and that i should respect my elders. (if that had happened, i guess i can counter by saying "well bitch, you ain't worthy of any respect" but ah well...) thank goodness suba was with me at that time so there was someone to listen to me rant and rave. jeez. what a screwed up family! i don't want anything to do with them anymore. and i'm jolly well gonna do something about it tomorrow.

hui:

i have a small circle of friends whom i can really click well with. i dun wan to try, and i dun wan to change. o_O i am stubborn. i adapt easily to changes on e physical aspects. but not on e mental aspects. i am lazy. i can't care less abt making new friends. i wan but i dun bother to work on it to achieve. what is wrong with me? *shrugs*

ting:

i don't even know why i am writing this. because i've already decided that no matter what, people can only sympathise. they won't understand, unless they've gone through it themselves. hence i've decided to be a nicer person and try to keep it in. but even the best person has a limit. and i think i've exceeded mine by far. my friends think i have a very high level of tolerance. i'd just like to say that no, i don't. i'm very short tempered. it's just that i don't know how i've managed to keep it in till now. and i don't know how much more i can take.

it's breaking me apart. it really is. should i go on for the sake of saving money, or does my sanity come with a much higher price tag? for those to haven't guessed, my flatmate is causing me grief. except that it is not again. it has been ALL ALONG. i don't know what i should do with her. she called her mum at 10pm just now. talked till 1.30am. once again, her weird telephone behaviour started. at about 10.30, she started crying and screaming really badly. i couldn't take it. i mean come on. i have two fucking assignments to do. how am i even gonna collect my thoughts if she makes such a racket? my head was hurting and i was exhausted. i decided that if i couldn't study, then at least i should try sleep. was convinced that i would be so darn tired i could tune her right out and fall asleep.

i was wrong, the way i am about a lot of things. the three hours she was on the phone, i didn't sleep a wink. and now that she is off, i'm so affected by it all i can't fall asleep as well. what am i gonna do? i can't study. i can't sleep. i can't fucking do a shit with my life while she is on the phone. my mum thinks she is suffering from depression and tells me not to confront her or be harsh to her because she might snap. i think that if i go on living with her, I'LL be the one ending up with depression.

what am i to do? i don't ever want to see her, or live with her for that matter anymore. she's just making me accumulate my sins. because everytime she does that, i get majorly pissed. and once i'm mad, i start thinking really violent thoughts. like strangling her for one. or whacking her on the head. and i start cursing and swearing A LOT (as seen in this entry). i know God has His reasons for making me go through this but sometimes, i just wish He can make His purpose clearer. i was begging Him for help, asking Him to at least help me fall asleep. for some reason only known to Him, i couldn't.

someone help me. 9 more months. how am i ever gonna survive this? at the rate things are going, i think i will just flunk straight out of uni. i can't possibly go running to suba or mag's place everytime something like this happens, it's seriously not fair to them and i don't particularly want to intrude all the time. if i could book the tutorial room downstairs for the entire night, things might get slightly better but i can't. i can only get it for two hours which, i can assure you, is simply not enough. i think i should just buy a tent and camp out at the lift lobby from now on.

ironic isn't it? i have a fucking right to one half of this apartment, but why is it i have no say in things? i thought i'd get used to things. i thought i could just live with it as time goes by and i'll gradually get used to it. but i CANNOT. it is driving me mad. i can safely tell you if it wasn't for her, australia would be perfect. i have met wonderful people here...people who i wish i was living with instead of this terror. i had such wonderful times partying and doing crazy stuff. everything is fantastic. except her. except the place i'm living in. WHY. WHY DID I HAVE TO MEET HER? of all the people in the world. WHY HER.

i'm going house hunting tomorrow. it's just i can't move out immediately. it'd have to wait till next year. i fear i'd lose my sanity by then.