Screw you 2010!

My last blog of 2010 and I am pleased.
This year has sucked ass! I have had many an illness, one failed IVF and one failed FET. I was so sure that I would have a baby or at least be pregnant this year. Sadly not.

A new year, a new IVF cycle, a new start. I just hope that 2011 brings us all our dreams. Mine being a baby (or two!)

A great way to end this year is by a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls at work. Happy Fucking New Year!

Day 3 of injections

Time seems to be going slow. I have done 3 days of injections now and I am doing OK so far. I have had a few hot flushes, few dizzy spells, minor headaches and few mood swings, but nothing I can not deal with. I am sure the side effects will get worse with time.

I am struggling to stay positive, and hopeful. Things keep getting planned for this coming year, trips, holidays etc and I am struggling to commit. I keep thinking I will be pregnant and so not sure if I can make things. I then realise I may not be pregnant and get depressed. I now can not see passed the end of January. I will not/can not commit. I do not know what I will do if this does not work.

Where are my positive thoughts, positive mental state of mind is meant to help!!

1st injection done!

It is official, my second fresh round of IVF has started!! I have done my first injection of Suprecure (lupron equivalent). I did fine as ever with the injection, but had forgotten the slight sting. Nothing major, easy to cope with, but took me by surprise for some reason!

I so hope that this is the cycle. I am having a hopeful moment. I am sure as soon as the side effects kick in I will be feeling different!

I am excited and hopeful, but also thankful I have got this cycle on the NHS, so many patients have been denied as funding has stopped. I am one of the last NHS patients at my clinic and I am so grateful.

Please let me have a baby at the end of this.

Merry Xmas!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday.
I am having a good time, but I am hoping this is the last Christmas without a child. The holiday seaon is hard when everyone else seems to have a family.
In an exciting note, ivf suppression injections start on Monday! Hopefully my last stop on my journey to motherhood!
Happy holidays!

IVF starts one week today!

I cant believe how quickly time is going! Everyone is focused on Christmas and how quick that it comes around, but I am focused on the 27th Dec and first day of injections!!

I am looking forward to Christmas and I am organised and got presents, but it is not the same without a family. I cant spend it with my parents or my brother and SIL and niece and I do not have a baby. All there is, is the in-laws, and I love them but it is not the same.

I think I am starting to get on the roller coaster of hope. One minute I think this will be my cycle, and next minute I am down. It has not worked the last 2 times so why should it work this time? The usual emotions are here and that is even before I start the meds! I cant wait to be doing something towards this baby making process. Being on the pill for the last few months is always hard, feels so backwards!

Clotting problem?

Recently I have seemed to be bruising so much easier than normal. I have always come home with bruises and not sure how it has happened, but recently this has worsened.

I told me RE and he said I should get checked for thrombophilia and clotting disorders. Whilst waiting for the results I have had acupuncture. Well, I woke up the following day with the biggest bruise ever where one of the needles were, I could not believe it. I have taken pictures on my phone it is so large!

I called my doctors today for my results and told 'all normal'. How can that be? I do not want to give myself another life long disease, but I would like an answer! This bruising is not normal, my DH and friends all agree, so why cant my doctors?! I am worried this may affect implantation and my IVF

My cyst has shrunk....

... to 12mm!! I am so pleased as it is small enough for the clinic to not be concerned!!

Today has been great: Cyst shrunk, got my blood taken for thrombophilia and got a dress for xmas party that makes me look slim!!

Now off to acupuncture and then work.

This is the hapiest I have felt in a while

I hope my cyst has gone

I am going to my clinic tomorrow morning to have a scan to see if my cyst has gone on my left ovary. I have been bleeding on and off for the last two weeks despite being on the pill. It has now stopped, which I hope is a good sign?

If the cyst is still there I will have to have it aspirated. I hope it does not delay my IVF as my injections are due to start the 27th Dec. (OMG, it is so soon!!)

I am also having a blood test for thrombophilia tomorrow as I bruise so easily and bleed a lot. After that I am having acupuncture and then off to work. An action packed day!!

As far as how I am feeling..... I am both nervous and excited about my IVF, hopeful and fearful. I do not know what we will do if this does not work....

I am back from NYC!

I had an amzing time in NYC. Was so cold and so busy but I loved it. We managed to see all the sights and walk the whole length of NYC in 2 1/2 days! We also saw Chicago on Broadway which was brilliant!

We did not want to come back. I could easily stay in NYC forever!

Here are a few photo's of our time in NYC, looking v cold!

Off to New York!!

I am due to fly out early Sunday morning to New York!! I can not wait. I hope this trip is amazing and all we have hoped for.
There are a few problems, mainly the weather over here. The snow has been terrible, I have been snowed in for 2 days! The airports have been closed and no taxi's will pick us up to take us to the airport. I really hope the snow goes so we can fly!

On a side note, I had my AF visit last week (last before IVF) and that was fine, painful like normal but nothing new. It all finished and now for the last 3 days I have been bleeding. Now is TMI: It is brown, watery bleed. Like I had during my FET. I am thinking from my cyst again? I am hoping not, as I have hoped that being on the pill has got rid of my cyst? I am now worried that the cyst is not gone.

Frustrated!

I have a bit of a rant about my clinic and GP.

My RE said I have to hve a thrombophilia and blood clotting blood test, the clinic cant do it and if they did would have to charge me, but I am a nhs patient. I was told to go to my GP. I asked them to send a request to my GP as they would not do it without. Clinic said they would. I went to the GP's this morning for bloods and the nurse refused as they 'do not do private requests'. I could not believe it, one it is becuase I bruise easily and bleed heavily, and two it is not a private request, I am an nhs patient!
I called the clinic, they said they will have to check the notes and get back to me. I now need a blood request form and to go to the hospital for it, my GP will not do it!! I am not sure if the clinic will give me a blood request form.

I may have to pay for it if I can not get it sorted! I really need this before I start my IVF at the end of the month!!
Sorry about the irratic rant!! I am starting to lose hope with the clinic, with my IVF chances and now feel even more down.

There seems o be a few BFP's in the IF world at the mo which is such great news, I am so pleased and it gives me hope. It does also make me wonder if it will ever be me.....?

Been meaning to write for a while...

.... but nothing has been happening. Nothing to write about.

I am struggling through work, it is still shit, I still hate it and want to leave. I am having more pressure and work put on me all the time and I am worried that I am not coping now, what will I be like in January when I go through my IVF again? I want everything to be right, I want to be stress free, (ha ha like that will ever happen!) I want this to work.

I did do something that was brave for me yesterday and that was baby shop. I am going to a baby shower on christmas eve and I had to get a few bits. The baby shower will be hard, but it is for my co-worker who had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year and is pregnant again. She knows a little of my IVF and had a rough journey herself so I am just about dealing with her pregancy. I managed to get all I needed in the baby shops without crying, sweating or running out empty handed. I think what helped is that I cried before I went shopping. Sounds silly but I got it out of my system! I cried as I am dreading Christmas. Yet another holiday not pregnant, without a baby or a family. Why is it the holidays are always the hardest?

Happy ICLW!

Hi all from ICLW, thanks for stopping by. Sorry it is a little late but here is a few things about me and my infertility journey:

- I am 26, been with my husband for 10 years, married for 2 1/2 years,
- I have an under active thyroid and grade IV endometriosis
- I have had 3 laparoscopies to try to get rid of my endo, was not effective
- I had 6 months of zoladex injections to put me in a state of menopause to treat my endo, not effective
- We have been trying for a baby for over 2 years but have blocked tubes
- I had one failed cycle of IVF in June/July
- I had one failed frozen embryo cycle in September
- We are about to start our second round of fresh IVF in December/January 2011
- I have started acupuncture for this IVF cycle (I hope it helps!)

We are desperately trying to have a baby. We want a family more than anything.

I am going to New York!!!!

DH is taking me to New York for our 10 year anniverary!! I am so excited! We fly out Sunday 5th Dec and fly back to the UK Thurs 9th Dec! It will be a short, busy sight seeing holiday but I can not wait!! Things have been so shit recently with our failed IVF and FET and shit time at work that we have decided f*&k it, lets do something we have always wanted to do!! Good old credit card!

Infertility has put our life on hold for over two years now, we have put off holidays, not spent money 'just in case' we fall pregnant. It seems like such a waste the last couple of years. It will be nice to have a break just before we start our new IVF cycle. December 27th will be here before I know it and I will be back on the IVF roller coaste again!!

Did I mention I am so so excited to be going to New York!!!

Any of you live there or been there? Any one recomend good places to go?

I actually slept for once!!

Last night was the first night I feel that I slept and slept well. Since I did my FET in September I have not slept properly. I thought it was the drugs but then thought it was stress and then I was not sure why. Every night I would fall asleep straight away but then wake constantly throughout the night and feel tired in the morning.

Last night I had a good sleep, woke up in a better mood and felt slightly happier this morning! I do not know if it was the acupuncture, the sex DH and I had (sorry TMI!!) or if it was just the fact that I was relaxed after my acupuncture. What ever it was I shall continue to have my acupuncture and hope that it is doing good!

first acupuncture session

I decided to give acupuncture a go. I felt very much out of my comfort zone as I do not normally try alternative treatments, but I am trying to be open minded.

The lady is lovely. She took my medical history, then got me to lay on the bed and she stuck needles into me. She only put four in though! One in my ankle, one in wrist, one in forehead and one top of belly. I thought there would be more. I then laid there for a while. I didnt feel much other than a little tingling. I was however very relaxed so that must be a good thing!

I am going back another two times before my IVF starts. I am willing to try whatever it takes to get me my baby. I really hope it helps. I am trying to get my body in shape and my mind in shape.

I am still miserable but somehow today has given me the kick up the arse to get myself sorted. To try to look forward, not back and to be positive.

How do you feel about acupuncture?

I am going for a consult and acupuncture tomorrow morning. I am very sceptical, I am not sure if it works, if it will help, but there is nothing to lose! This lady works with people with IF and going through IVF.

Have any of you had acupuncture? Did it help? Do you think it is worth it as it is not cheap!!

I am hanging on by a thread at the moment. Work is bad again, one women is being a bitch and spiteful to me. I am not wanting to be at work, I am not wanting to do anything. I am not sleeping properly still. I am miserable.......

Met a fellow IFer

I am part of my fertility clinic's forum and it is great support network just like this blogging world. Well today I bit the bullet and met with a girl from the clinic. We have so much in common, we are the same age, our DH's are the same age. We had a first IVF June/July and we even had our FET on the same day!!! We also sadly are still on the IVF roller coaster. We met in a little cafe and had cake and chatted and before we knew it we had been there for 2 hours!! It was so nice to talk about how shit IF is, how much it takes out of us emotionally as well as physically and to chat to some one who understands! Blogging is great but actually meeting someone who is in the same boat is briliant. It is also good for me as I seemed to have lost a few friends through this IF journey and it is such a secret, no family etc know. To be able to meet with someone who is seperate from your other friends and family and to talk so freely is such a relief!!

I am hopefully going to keep in contact with her and meet on regular occasions.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a little happier. I am still stressed and feeling down but talking has seemed to have helped!!

My WTF appointment

I was on the phone to my Doc for half and hour the other day talking about my sedation, my new protocol, my side effects etc. Here is how the conversation went, sorry about bullets!!

- I am moving from Gonal F to menopur - 4 vials a day
- He will be giving me a high sedation straight away for the EC collection rather than topping me up like last time as I am one of those 'rare' cases where I do not sedate very well and I felt too much.
- I will be doing a 5 day transfer as some of mine made it to 5 days last time and then were frozen. He says will give better chance of picking the best but run the risk of nothing to freeze.
- I will have a scan on the 29th Dec before I come off the pill to see if my cyst has gone, if not it will need to be aspirated before I start IVF
- I need to have my clotting times checked as I bleed so heavily and bruise easily
- My hair should hopefully stop falling out, no suggestions there sadly
- Apparently I am a 'challenging case' as nothing goes simply with me!

I think that is it in a nut shell. I really hope my cyst has gone by Dec as I do not want my IVF delayed even more. I did have 3 bleeds last week even though on the pill, must be due to the cyst.

Strangely, I have been feeling tearful and not coping well the last few days. I have not had a proper nights sleep in weeks. I feel like I am struggling at the moment. I am not sure why I am like this. I guess I am tired, scared of my EC, scared of not ever being able to have a baby........

Not where I thought I would be

I have written 350 posts! I am not where I thought I would be. I thought/hoped I would be pregnant by now. Instead I am on the pill. It seems so backwards! I am on the pill to try to shrink my cyst and get ready for my next IVF in January. Half of me feels like this break is a good thing but the other half feels like we should be actively TTC and try without medical help. I realise that the chance of TTC naturally are so slim so whats the point!

As far as my cyst goes, it has been playing up I think. I had a few twinges and some pain at the beginning of the week. Since then I have had three bleeds despite being on the pill. TMI alert!! It is not fresh blood, just old brown watery type bleed. Very strange and annoying. I am sure it must be the cyst. I can only hope it is a good sign and it is shrinking?

I have a telephone consult on Monday with my Dr to discuss my sedation protocol for egg colection, side effects of the drugs, and a WTF chat. I am still losing my hair. It is so upsetting.

On a good not I am eating a bit healthier and went to the gym today. I am determined to get my body back in shape before next IVF.

New year, new cycle, new protocol!

I went to the clinic today and have got the dates and protocol for my new IVF cycle in January! Here is the protocol:

Start Suprecur (lupron) 27th Dec
Stop The pill 3rd Jan
Base-line scan 7th Jan and start stims (225iu Menopur)
2nd scan 14th Jan
3rd scan 17th Jan
Egg collection 19th Jan
Blastocyst 5day transfer 24th Jan!

I am very excited but worried. This is our last NHS funded cycle, I really hope it works!

I have a few questions. Have you guys used menopur before, is it better than Gonal-F as that was what I was on last time as stims?
Is it normal to have a 5 day transfer, I had a 3 day transfer last time but our clinic is now doing 5 days routinely.

In exactly 2 months time I will be starting my second fresh cycle of IVF! Until then I shall try to get my body in better shape, try to get myself a little happier, look after myself and drink wine and eat sushi!!

I am back!

I have been away on a much needed holiday to Cornwall with DH and my two fur babies. Weather was great, had some lovely walks on the beach and tried to forget all about our IF and BFN's. It has helped a little and I am feeling a little better. Sadly going away for a week has not got rid of how miserable I am at the moment, but it has dampened it a little.

Now I can move on

My period arrived last night. I was pleased because I can start to move on. The pain though is really bad. My endometriosis is very bad at the mo. Not sure how I will get through the day. My pain killers don't seem to be helping. Just want to curl in a ball with a head pad and cry. Sadly I am off to work instead.

New cycle in January?

I got a call from the clinic today. They have reviewed my notes and I am able to do a fresh IVF cycle again free on the NHS in January. I shall go on the pill, have a break and then new year, new cycle, new start? They will be changing me from Gnal F to 225 units of Menopur. I hope this helps as apparently it has better success rates?

I STILL have not got my period. So frustrating. I am going away on holiday to Cornwall on Saturday. I was hoping that my period will be here and over by the time we go away on holiday. Sadly not the case. I have been told to test again in a few days if still no period. I guess the drugs are not out of my system an maybe the cyst on my ovary is making me late again? I will not allow myself to get my hopes up and think it is a late implanter, I cant get my hopes up.

I am struggling to carry on with work at the moment. It is so busy and stressfull and I feel like I am on the verge of tears half the time. I have not allowed myself to properly cry and cry and grieve this failed cycle yet. I cant break down yet as have a few more days of work and holding myself together as best I can.

Trying to get over it.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I called the clinic yesterday and told them of my BFN. I said AF has not showed yet and I was told to stop my progesterone and oestrogen. AF is still not here. Frustrating as I just want to move on. I know when she does show it will be upsetting. I guess the whole time she stays away there is that small niggle at the back of your mind saying 'maybe they were just late implanting, maybe the POAS was wrong'. I know this is not the case though.

3 more days of work and then off on holiday woth DH and the dogs to Cornwall. I need the break so bad! I need to give my mind and body a rest.

BFFN

I pee'd on two sticks this morn, one a first response and one clear blue. Both a BFFN. I am 11dp5dt. Surely its over. Where is AF?

Will call clinic soon. So upset and pissed off. What is wrong with my shitty body?!?

10dp5dt, I test tomorrow....

My OTD (official test date) is tomorrow! I had been doing so well but I caved again and POAS this afternoon. It was a BFN. I am 10dp5dt. Surely there is not much hope for a good outcome. I am having the odd cramp but have been for a few days. Nothing major or painful. It certainly does not feel like AF is coming.
I am dreading tomorrow. What if it is a BFN and there is no AF? I dread calling the clinic to tell them its a BFN. Seems so harsh. Why cant we have a beta blood test like in the USA and other places?

I am feeling so down and trying to prepare myself for the worst but every time I think about it I start to cry. I am having a manic weekend and have a manic day tomorrow. I do not know how I will cope at work tomorrow it I get a BFN.

Please let it be positive. I wish I was the praying type......

8dp5dt

I need another slap.... DH does not know I POAS a stick yesterday and he has kept telling me to test so I tested this morning on my AM urine at 8dp5dt and it was still a BFN. I used a digital and there is something SO offensive by it saying 'NOT pregnant'. Surely it could let you down gently first!!! Of course I cried, of course I feel like it is all over but AF is not here yet so its not over yet. I am feeling a bit sore and crampy though.

Sadly I am working all this weekend, days and nights so will not have time to rest. It may help me to take my mind off things but I am scared I will get my period at work and be on my own like last failed IVF.

As ever I am the optimist!

I gave in

I POAS this afternoon. I know its only 7dp5dt and is very early. It was a negative. I half expected it, but half of me hoped it would be a miracle. I am gutted. I keep telling myself it is early and it was not on the first urine of the day. It was on a FRED though......

I have had a few minor cramps on my right side today and I am grumpy. Hope it is not PMS, just me feeling down and pessimistic.

5dp5dt - felin hot!

Another boring post I am afraid! Still counting down the days, they are going so slowly!

Not much has changed from yesterday. One thing that DH keep commenting on over the last two days is that I feel very hot! My temp is def up, I am hot, he cant hug me at night as I am too warm. I am never warm, ever, I am like a fridge! Is this a side effect of the progesterone? I didnt have it last cycle. I have also felt sicky this morning again. I am sensible enough to know it is too early and any signs are due to progesterone, but the warmth as well?

The two people who know about our IVF and FET are starting to ask when I will find out. I hate the added pressure, one of the reasons I have not told family.

I really hope that Emma and Brian (the names of our two embryo's for some reason!) have snuggled down.

4dp5dt

Help, I am bored, restless and sick of this 2ww already!! My mind is working in over drive and I am half wanting to POAS (WAY too early I know!!!) and the other half of me never wants to POAS as I want to stay PUPO forever! I realise that it doesn't make sense. I guess I am desperate to know, but scared it hasn't worked.

Bad thing, but I cant help but google. I have found people that got a BFP on 4dp5dt. Surely that cant be right?!!?

I have found a forum that I have joined recently, it is for my fertility clinic and all the girls are cycling there with me. Two of the girls have just got a BFP which is amazing. There seems to be a lot of BFP's this time round and a few minor good things seem to be happening to me at the mo (which is rare) and so I semi optimistic but also scared I am using up all my good luck. DO you think there is only a certain number of BFP's that are handed out each round and once the quota is used up, everyone else gets a BFN?

Wow, I am screwed up at the mo. I realise all of the above is just a load of brain dribble. Sorry. I just had to get it out of my system!!

Oh and I made a fool out of myself the other day, I walked out of the doctors crying because the doctor told me I was losing my hair because of the IVF meds and there wasnt anything she could do but check my thyroid. I am already being treated for hypothyroidism! She did give me some shampoo which is helping with the dandruff but now my hair loss. I never cry in public, especially not whilst walking out of my doctors, surrounded by a few clients and everyone staring at me! SO embarrassing!!

3dp5dt and driving myself crazy!!

This 2ww is going so slowly (when does it every go quick?!?) and I am driving myself crazy, wondering, hoping, googling all the time!

I have found the twilight saga to occupy me. I know I am a bit slow! I loved the films and so am reading the books on my NEW amazon kindle!! DH bought it for me as an early Christmas present so I wont have anything to open on the day, but that's OK, I love it. It is so easy to use and to read from. I have finished the first book in 2 1/2 days. That maybe so slow to some, but that is the quickest I have ever read a book. I am extremely dyslexic and so reading off a white background makes the words move and jump around, it did not happen with the kindle. I am now in love, not only with the kindle, but also with Edward! So much so I am considering calling my first boy Edward, LOL!!

I have been a bit crampy since my transfer, which is strange as the transfer itself was pretty much fine, slightly uncomfortable but not what I would call painful. I can only hope the cramps are a good sign. I know that you can not analyse any signs at this stage, but I really hope one or two of them are snuggling in for the journey.

As far as testing goes, I know it is way too early at the moment, but I am wondering whether I can wait until 11dp5dt? That's 16 days past ovulation in the real world. I was thinking of testing on Friday. That would be 8dp5dt. That surely can not be too early?!!? When did you all get a positive hpt after a 5 day transfer?

Going bald, help!

Has anyone ever found that their hair started falling out and getting dry clumps of dandruff on your scalp during IVF/FET treatment? I seemed to have got all of the side effects of these drugs like headaches, insomnia and bad guts, all of which I can cope with but I am losing my hair! I am starting to notice thinning of my hair line and it is upsetting! Help! The IF clinic has not heard of it, my GP told me it was rare and gave me some shampoo, but nothing is helping! If I do get PG and have to stay on these meds until 12 weeks, I am scared I will be completely bald! Maybe I should start collecting all of my hair that falls out to make my self a wig! Seriously though, it is really bothering me.

On a plus side I am PUPO which is always exciting and I am trying to rest but I know this 2ww is going to go so slow. Yay to being 1dp5dt!

PUPO!

Had my transfer a couple of hours ago. They put both back in as the second blastocyst was showing signs of life which is good! The transfer this time was great. I had a different doctor and he scanned me at the same time as putting the catheter in and I watched the air bubbles go in with the two embryos. Was very cool!!

I am now hopefully and excited at the moment. I know this 2ww week will be up and down as normal. My test date is the 11th October and again I do not have a beta, just pee on a stick and call them with the results which is crap!!

I so hope this works. I have one great blastocyst and I semi OK blastocyst, if at least one could stick that would be amazing!!

Clinic called...

.... with some good news! One embie has definitely survived the thaw. The other is a bit 'ify' at the moment but they will keep watching and will most prob stick it back in as well as there is nothing to lose!! I am so pleased we have something to transfer!!!

Now have to wait a couple of hours before I go in for the transfer. I have had to call in 'sick' today for work. I feel so bad, I hate screwing people over, but a baby is far more important that work!!

In a few housr I will be PUPO!! Bring on the 2ww!!

FET tomorrow!!

I am so excited and nervous!! The clinic called to confirm they were defrosting both of my embies tomorrow morning. I should have a call by 10am to confirm they have survived and then should be going in about 1pm for the transfer!!

This cycle has been a rocky ride, I hope that means the ending will be good and we get to transfer both and that they stick!!

I wish to say congratulations to my last IVf cycle buddy Julia for her BFP!! I am so pleased for you! I really hope that means we will both be PG togther! Hope this is my cycle as well!!

Another scan! An Endometrioma

I called my clinic this moirning about my flash bleed on Saturday. I managed to get another scan. My lining is looking good at 8.4mm and there is no fluid in my uterus. It looks like my 'cyst' on my left ovary is a endometrioma which keeps bleeding.

Apparently the endometrioma and the random bleeds will not affect my FET and implantation. I want to believe this but I am still worried that this cycle is doomed from the start.

I have been told I need to rest. What does that mean? Is it stict bed rest or light duties or what? The nurse didnt say and I forgot to ask, had so many other things on my mind.

Anyone have a endometrioma that has not been a problem with getting pregnant? What kind of rest if any were you put on?

When will this rollercoaster end? I really hope it ends in a BFP! Not sure how much more stress and up and downs I can take!

Not another bleed....

I cant believe I am having another bleed like the one yesterday morning. It seems to have nearly stopped but I am panicking. Why am I bleeding? What does this mean?

Should I cancel the FET as this just does not feel right?

DH said to me this evening: 'maybe because this cycle is going badly it will end in positive becuase last cycle was nearly perfecvt and it ended in a negative'. I replied 'sadly life does not work that way!' Bless DH for trying to stay hopeful when I am not feeling any hope.

To top things off my dog Maddy is poorly sick, got gastritis I think, hope its nothing more major.

Scan went ok(ish)

Had a different nurse today (again) and so had to explain my history again. She asked me how I was doing and I told her not good. I had bad guts, losing my hair, bad dandruff and had a flash bleed this morning (thankfully this has stopped now).

When she scanned me I was nearly in tears, she was so rough and couldn't find anything! No one has had a problem scanning me other than it is sometimes tender. She eventually found my cyst was still there, but my uterine lining is about 8mm and so thick enough.

After the nurse speaking to the doctor and another nurse, it was decided we will go ahead with the FET! I do my last lupron injection this evening and then start my progesterone suppositories tomorrow! My FET will be going ahead on Thursday if all continues to be well.

In less than a week I will be PUPO as long as I do not bleed again and my two frosties thaw ok. I realise they are both still big if's. Please let this work this time.

Help I am bleeding

I am meant to be having a scan in a couple of hours but I have started bleeding!?! Why? What does this mean. I guess I will be cancelled. So upset. Why oh why? Why is AF here, she is not welcome

Scan tomorrow but not feeling well

I am hoping that my lining is looking good and I will get my date for my frozen embryo transfer.

Problem is, I have what I lovingly call the shits and spits. At lunch time today I had to sit on the loo with a bowl on my lap as my guts decided to empty themselves both ways (sorry, TMI!!) and I stayed there for about three hours! Five hours later I am feeling a bit better but a little delicate. Hopefully this will go for my scan tomorrow

I am trying hard to not even think about my FET and try to take a bit more of a relaxed approach. I was so uptight and stressy for my last IVF cycle and we all know how that ended. Maybe the whole 'if you just relax' and throw in some pills, injections and a FET, you make get pregnant theory might work this time!!

Counting down the days

until our FET. Today is day 4 of meds. I find that doing injections helps to pass the time! It is still a boring wait but the injections seem to make it go a little faster!

I am having a few side effects, mainly headaches, bloating and very bad upset guts again. I am managing, I would do anything for us to get our baby.

I go back in on Friday for my scan to check the thickness of my lining and then will get the official date for the FET, but think it will be Thursday 30th September.

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement and good luck to all who are cycling or PUPO at the mo! Lets hope its BFP's this time round!

Started my FET meds!

Today is CD3 and I have started my progynova 3x 2mg and my 30iu suprecur (lupron). I am feeling tiredand have a headache, surely side effects can't have started already! I think it's just because I have been so stressed and not slept well.

I am sadly on duty all this weekend. Hope I am not too busy so I can look after myself and nor have too much stress or pressure on me. Two of my co-workers are leaving end of November meaning I will be working a 1:3 outof ours emergency cover nights and weekends ad well as my normal 54 hour week! I am worried work will be too much for me and it will be detrimental to my ttc and potential pregnancy. Oh how I wish I had a simple, easy, stress free and not physical job sometimes!

I am so excited and hopeful about this cycle. I really hope it works. I want my June 2011 baby!!

This cycle is going ahead!

Had another scan today. Great news, the cyst has shrunk a little, they think it's an inactive corpus luteum. I am starting on suprecur(lupron) and 6mg oestrogen tomorrow. I have another scan in 10 days and hopefully FET a few days latter!

I am so pleased we can go ahead and not had to delay. Of course, if I had to go on the pill I would have done, I want my body to be right and ready.

I am now so excited and hopeful. All my hopes ate pinned on this cycle. Of it doesn't work I am going to fall and crash so badly.

AF is here!

Never thought I would be so pleased to see her! My period arrived at about 5am, only four and a half days late! I am feeling crap and in loads of pain, but pleased to have it here. I have another scan tomorrow morning to see if the b**t**d cyst has gone. I doubt it, miracles don't happen to me.

Scan today but still no AF *updated*

Still no AF and pregnancy test was negative. I called the clinic and they still want me to have a scan to see what is going on. I shall update in a bit.

*update*

My scan was not great, my lining is too thick which is not a surprise as I have not had a period. The bad news is that lefty ovary has a big ass cyst on it. I am pissed off. My FET is delayed at the mo. I am to wait for my period, call the clinic and book another scan. If the cyst has gone we will carry on with the FET as planned. If not I will have to go on the pill. If that does not work then I guess the will have to aspirate it. I am dreading that as I presume it is the same procedure as a retrieval and that was bad for me last time.

I am so devastated. The fact that we had two frosties, the fact that we could do a FET so soon has helped me to have something to focus on, to remain calm(ish), to remain hopeful(ish). Now I feel that hope and calm slowly slipping away.

Where the hell are you AF, you are never 4 days late. Hurry up and come and tell the bloody cyst to piss off!

Anyone had a cyst on your ovary and what was done about it? How did it affect your cycle and IVF/FET?

Where are you AF?

I have never wanted to get my period so badly! It was due Thursday pm and Saturday PM it is still not here! I am panicking. Has IVF screwed up my cycles? I am meant to be having my baseline scan for my FET on Monday. What do I do if my period does not show?

As far as the obvious goes, I cant be pregnant as we have not had sex during my fertile time as DH was away on business. The only way I could be pregnant was if my IVF did actually work, I imagined my period last month and I am 8 weeks pregnant. Oh if only that was true! That could be why I have put on a few pounds?!?

Question about FET and assisted hatching

I am waiting for AF to turn up. I should be on CD1 tomorrow. I am worried that AF will be late. I need to call the clinic tomorrow and book a baseline scan for Monday. I am hoping that all will be well and they will book it even if AF is not here. I am feeling twinges in my belly though, AF is not far off.

I am doing a FET with 5 day blastocysts. Do they try to do it to match your natural cycle? If so, they would be doing the FET on CD15 and I do not normally ovulate until CD16. That is not right is it?

Another question: Is it normal to do assisted hatching? My clinic does it automatically. Hopefully this is a good thing. I presume it will increase the chances of implantation.

I am so excited but nervous that we will be cycling again so soon!!

A quick update:

I have not posted for a few days as I am sick of writing 'poor me' posts and writing about nothing. Sadly I still do not have anything of any substance to write! I am in limbo, I am waiting. I ovulated this weekend but DH was away and we were having a month off. Such a strange and frustrating time. We should be TTC, not doing nothing!

I am awaiting AF to show and then I get my baseline booked in ready for my FET.

I am very excited about the FET, but I am also very scared. Scared of them not surviving the defrosting, scared of getting a BFN, scared of having to go through an IVF cycle and egg retrieval etc. Mostly scared of not ever having a baby.

I am struggling with my friend at work who is pregnant. She is having her 20 week scan a couple of days before my FET. She is happily pregnant and getting bigger. I am pleased for her but am jealous. I hate myself for it. She had her 12 week scan a couple of days before my IVf transfer. It is hard she is reaching great milestones and I am still trying to get pregnant. She knows of my IF troubles and she is asking how I am and is not doing anything to upset me on purpose, it is just the usual she is pregnant and I am not issues.

Awaiting AF

I am on CD16. DH is away for the next few days, so its a good job we are having a cycle off. I now have another 2ww, but this time it is for AF to show up. Once she has shown up I can book my baseline scan and get going with this FET!

What is it with IF and bloody 2ww's! The time goes so slow. I think infertility is such a frustrating thing to have. It is all about waiting, hoping, and a bit more waiting.

I hate to think what we will do is this FET does not work. We are already looking at having a June baby if this FET works. I never thought that we would be waiting till June 2011 at the very least for a baby. I was sure I would be having a baby in 2009. It is funny how delusional you can be at the start of the TTC journey. You know you have endometriosis, hypothyroidism and fertility issues but you still think all will be fine. My mum had me, my nan had my mum, surely I can have a baby like them. I realise I still can (possibly, maybe, hopefully), but I am getting impatient. I want a baby and I want one now!!!

FET Schedule

I had my appointment with the nurse yesterday. It was not how I imagined it. It was rushed, she threw dates at me and I got confused and then annoyed. I told her I did not understand what was going on, no one had even explained the FET protocol with me. She briefly explained it and then threw more dates at me. She started off by giving me September dates then said they were fully booked for September and so gave me October dates but they were all in the middle of my holiday to Cornwall. She then got angry with me and said I didnt tell her about Cornwall but she didnt ask about holidays and I thought we were doing it in September!!

To cut a long story short, the nurse left the room to book it in and DH told me to calm down and stop being rude. I was confused!! When she came back in I was calm, she told me there had been a cancellation for September and so it was meant to be! The dates she gave me for September conflicted with my weekend on duty at work,(we get a rota and it is compulsory!) The nurse told me I should get my priorities right and 'whats more important, work or a baby?' I was shocked. I wish people understood. A baby is the most important thing ever, but my weekend duties are on a rota and you HAVE to do it. How dare she say that to me!!

I have obvioulsy taken the dates and spoke to one of my collegues, we have managed to swap weekends thankfully!!

Protocol: Day 1 of cycle hopefully 9th/10th September, baseline scan 13th September, second scan 22nd September and hopefully transfer 24th September!! I will be on suprecur injections (lupron) and oestrogen tablets from my baseline and then progesterone suppositories from 2 days before my transfer. I cant belive that in one month's time I will be PUPO again!!

This is coming around fast!! I am so ready to be pregnant! I just hope that both of our frosties thaw OK and we can stick them both in.

Doing a little better

Thanks to all who have checked in on me. I am doing OK. Of course still upset and keep thinking how pregnant I would be if it had worked, but I am thinking like this less now.

I have not posted as nothing to say. I have still been reading everyone's blogs though.

I am looking forward to Tuesday. I will find out when we will be able to do our FET. Soon hopefully.

My boss who I really dislike tried talking to me about my failed IVF. I did not want to talk to him about it, especially when he tried to talk about living child free! That is not even a conversation I want to have with DH, let alone my twat of a boss. I tried to change the subject quickly before I got upset!

Not a lot to report

I am just trying to mend my heart, trying to get over the bitter dissapointment of this BFN. It is hard to carry on as normal, carry on with a smile on my face at work.

I am looking forward though. Thinking of the two frosties that are waiting for us, our two frozen potential babies. Hopefully they will be the ones.

Thank you all for you support and encouragement. It is hard at the moment. I want to talk about things and DH is retracting into his shell. I guess we both deal and cope with things diffently.

Thank you all for your support

DH and I are devastated about our BFN. We were so certain it would work, we put two good embies in, what could possibly go wrong, eh? I dont know whether they stopped growing or whether they didnt implant. I dont know whether it was the embies that were no good or my uterus?

I rang the clinic this morning to say I got a BFN and that I got my period. They told me my notes would be reviewed and they would get back to me with what the plan may be next time. Thankfully I have two frosties waiting to be put back in. Hopefully we will get to do a FET soon.

The progesterone has stopped, the pain is bad, I am depressed. I still have another two days of work until I can spend time with my DH, until I can properly cry and just take it all in. At the moment I having to pretend all is well, carry on with work as if all is normal when inside, I am crying, devastated and so so down.

Thank you to everyone who was supportive, encouraging and went through this IVF with me. I am so upset for all us who have just got our BFN's. Next time we will get our dream (fingers crossed).

My period has started

I have no words, only tears.

I'm stuck at work, feel so alone and upset.
It's over. Eggbert and Shelly are no more....

Think it's over.....

It's 10dp3dt and I got another BFN. I also have horrific cramps, AF is def coming cramps.

After I POAS, DH and I just laid on the bed hugging and crying together. We are both certain it is over. The pain is getting unbearable with my cramps, I'm going to have to take some paracetamol, which most probably won't touch it, but I can't take anything else till we know for sure.

I hare that I don't have a beta. I hate that I have to POAS stick and then I have to ring the clinic with the bad news. That's fucked up right?

So so disappointed. The pain in my heart and in my belly makes me wanna stay in bed forever, sadly have to go work and pretend nothing is going on.

9dp3dt - BFN

I POAS early this morning and there was only one line. BFFN.

I was hoping for a faint line, a little 'hello, we are in here' faint line. I am feeling very down in the dumps and tearful. I cried on DH for so many reasons. I am scared its not worked,I want a baby so much, I do NOT want to go through an egg retrieval again unless I have a full anaesthetic. I am also scared AF is going to show any minute. I had a little pressure in my uterus last night and now I am feeling a little crampy. Is this good or bad? Is this AF?

DH said he doesnt think it is AF because I havent been a bitch to him like I usually am when I have PMT!

I should not really been peeing on any sticks untill Friday, thats the day my doctor told me to do it. Sadly I dont get a beta. Am I over reacting, is there still chance? Will I get my BFP in 2 days time? I am using first response which are meant to be very sensitive. Why all the cramps which are getting worse?

Of course it was going to be

I am 7dp3dt and this 2ww is going so so slow. I caved today though, I POAS! Shock, horror I got a BFN. I strangely was not very upset, I knew it was too early, I knew it would be negative. Why did I do it then and flush money down the toilet? Mainly because I had to go back to work today I wanted to know if I was pregnant. Also I wanted to check my HCG shot was out of my system, which it is.

I did seem to be surrounded by PG people today, esp my friend and colleague who had her 12 weeks scan last week. She talked babies with me a lot and showed me her scan. I am massively happy for her as she is the one that had a miscarriage back in Feb. Today was not the day that I wanted to see the scan though. At the moment, selfishly all I can think about is me, Eggbert and Shelly (and DH of course!)

I will test again Wednesday morning which will be 9dp3dt and hopefully I will get a BFP. My official test day is Friday though which will be 11dp3dt. Sometime I am certain I am PG, certain it has worked, other times I am depressed, sure it has failed.

Oh the joy of the IVF roller coaster!!

I'm analysing!!

I am 5dp3dt and I am starting to do what I swore I would not do. I am analysing signs, to be exact one sign. I have had cramping on and off this afternoon and evening. I realise it could be nothing or something, who knows!

I have been good at ignoring the side effects due to the progesterone e.g. nausea, boobs hurt, bloating, gas etc. This cramping though, it is a new thing. Like everyone, I am scared it is AF threatening to show soon.

I go through phases of being hopeful, and then certain it has not worked.
AAAHHHHH this waiting is killing me. Its driving DH even more crazy!

3dp3dt

It has been 3 days since my embryo transfer (is that all?!?) All is fine with me apart from the fact I am bored of this 2ww and feeling very inpatient!!

I have been trying to take it easy and keep my mind active at the same time. This is harder than I thought it would be! DH is struggling even more than me!!

Half of me wants to start peeing on sticks and watch to see if I get two lines (I wont, I don't have loads of money to throw away!), but half of me wants to remain PUPO as it is nice to think I have 2 little babies inside me!! It is scary to think it might not work, I might get a bfn and then I wont be PUPO, I wont rub my belly and secretly talk to my little babies.

DH and I have names for our two little babies - Shelly and Eggbert (get the joke? ha ha I am sooo funny!They are also from Ice age 3 film)

I am hoping Shelly and Eggbert are starting to snuggle down today, or at least by the weekend! Come on, snuggle down, its nice and warm and safe!!

*side note* IF sends us crazy; we talk to embryo's, analyse every little twinge, check our cervix, shove suppositories up ourselves and repeatedly stab ourselves with multiple drugs. All in the hope and dream of a baby!!

We have two to freeze!!

Got a call from the clinic this afternoon, one of the other embryo's have turned into a blastocyst and so we have two to freeze!! I am so happy for a couple of reasons. Mainly that we have a plan to fall back on, but also because it gives me hope as the lower grades have made it to this stage, so hopefully my better grade embryo's inside me are doing well!

DH is getting more frustrated with this 2ww than I am, if that's at all possible!!

We had a very down morning, but now feeling a lot happier and more hopeful.

Thanks to all who are thinking sticky thoughts and giving words of encouragement. Really does help

I keep talking to my babies inside me and rubbing my belly, giving them words of encouragement! Crazy I know, but it is amazing that I am PUPO! I just hope this continues!

Only one to freeze.....

.... and the clinic's policy is to freeze a minimum of two. We will find out by the end of the day whether two others will turn into blastocysts. If not, I guess all gets thrown away and we hope the two they stuck back in will stick.

Feeling so disheartened.
I don't want the one who is doing well to be flushed away, such a waste.

This 2ww is going so slow, only two days since my transfer!!

Not sure if any to freeze now

The lab just called, the other embryo's are not dividing how they would like. They are not going to freeze them at the moment. The lab will see if they get to day 5 and freeze them then. A bit of a blow. We were hoping to freeze a load in case we need to do an FET.

I am now very pleased we transferred two. We had a choice of one or two. We wanted the best chance so went for 2. I hope that these inside me are dividing as they should.

We transferred two!!

All went well with the transfer. All 10 had made it to today, but a couple looked like they have stopped dividing. We had a chat with our RE and it as was decided to transfer two. One was a grade 1-2 8 cell and the other was a grade 2 8 cell. We have three that will be frozen as the others will most prob be no good.

The transfer was pretty much painless, all went well. I am now PUPO!!!!

I cant stop smiling!! These next two weeks until I POAS is going to go so slow!!

Thanks to everyone for their support, such a great help. No think sticky thoughts all!!

Embryo transfer tomorrow!

I am still taking it easy after my egg retrieval as still sore and a bit of bleeding. On a more exciting note; we are transferring tomorrow! I really hope we have some good embryo's to transfer and some left to freeze.

The plan is, if we have one brilliant embryo we will just transfer that one. If we have OK ones, but no outstanding, we will transfer two. My RE is very reluctant to transfer two as doesn't want me to have twins. He said because I am 26 and my chances are good, one should be enough. I do not share his faith. I am concerned that if we only stick one back in, it won't work.

I keep thinking of my 10 little babies, I hope they are still growing and all is well. What % make it to day 3?
9 am tomorrow I will be PUPO!! (pregnant untill proven otherwise)

ALL 10 fertilised!!!!

Just got the fert report! All 10 fertilised!! I am soooooo happy! Was such a horrible anxious wait, esp as DH is out this morning. I couldn't have asked for more!

Transfer is 8.45am on Monday (3 day transfer). I hope they all survive.

At the moment I have 10 little babies!!!

Egg collection done!!

We got 10 eggs collected! Of course everyone wants more, hopefully that should be plenty!

I was in loads of pain for the collection, it wasn't the needle, it was the ultrasound probe and because of my endo. There were a few endometriomas on my ovaries which they sorted out.

I am now chilling and anxiously waiting for the phone call Saturday morning to say how many have fertilised. The plan is a 3 day transfer.

About have my egg collection!

I'm waiting at the clinic feeling very nervous. Dh is doing his bit and then it will all be down to me. I hope there's lots of eggs!!

We triggered last night!! *updated*

No more injections! We triggered last night and now the agonising wait untill my egg collection at 9 am tomorrow!!

I am really nervous. Worried there won't be any eggs in the follies, worried they won't fertilise and then grow. I'm also worried how painful the procedure will be.

With the nhs we get two fresh cycles. If it gets canceled before egg retrieval it does not count as a go. Once you have egg retrieval that is one go used up, regardless of whether there is any embryo's to transfer or not. I really hope we have some to putback and some left to freeze would be amazing!!

Off to work to distract myself from tomorrow! Struggling to hide my excitement!!

**update** In answer to a question, no we are not doing ICSI, the doctors do not see any need.
Sadly I am only being sedated for the retrieval, not a GA so I will be aware a little.

Not long now, feeling so nervous and excited!!!

OMG! Egg collection is now Friday!!

I had my first and last follie scan this morning!!! I have responded so well they have pulled my egg collection forward to Friday!! (was meant to be Monday!!) I was and still am a little shocked/excited/scared/amazed!!

Nice nurse scanned me again. The fluid has gone and my right ovary should be OK to reach!!

This is really happening!! I was so sure I wasn't responding well as the pain I have felt has been less than anticipated.

Here are the figures:
lining: 8.6mm
R ovary follies: 4x 6mm, 1x 8mm, 1x 10mm, 2x 11mm, 2x 12mm, 2x 13mm, 1x 16mm, 2x 18mm, 1x 20mm
L ovary follies: 2x 6mm, 1x 8mm, 1x 9mm, 1x 10mm, 2x 14mm, 1x 15mm, 2x 19mm, 1x 21mm

I realise there are some small ones there, but there are 11 that are 14mm or over which is my clinics goal. Hopefully the other smaller ones will catch up in the next two days!!

I am so excited!! Thank you to all who chanted grow follies grow! It has worked!!!

stim update

I have one more stim injection to do tonight and then I go in for my first follie check tomorrow morning!! I am excited about the scan, excited to see if the twinges I am feeling are my follies growing. I really hope all is well.

I am having less side effects with the injections now, the diarrhoea has calmed down thankfully!

I am trying so hard not to get ahead of myself and think about my collection and transfer next week. I keep reminding myself that I could get cancelled, I may not be responding, that small amount of fluid may still be in my uterus.

DH and I had the baby name talk last night. We have agreed on a few names, but we had to stop ourselves as we were getting so excited about the thought of us having a baby (or two!) and we have a way to go yet.

Grow follies grow!!

Side effects of stims (TMI!)

So, for the last two days, I have been having bad diarrhoea. I have struggled at work, I have had to keep running upstairs to go to the toilet all day! Did any of you get this as a side effect?

I have had a few minor twinges by my ovaries, a tiny bit of bloating and headaches. Yesterday I thought I was going to faint when I was standing up operating, think I was just a bit hot and exhausted.

Five more days of stims until I have my next scan. I hope my follies are starting to grow, I hope that this will work and the side effects will calm down. I have a feeling that its only going to get worse. I am expecting more and more pain in my belly.

Sadly DH is away this weekend. I really miss him, wish he was here. I hate the fact that I am feeling needy. I am not a needy person. I just hate being on my own at the moment, my mind goes into over drive.

I am managing with injecting myself twice a night, its fine, I am coping better than I thought I would with the injecting side.

I still cant believe we are doing IVF, that I am one step closer to my baby!!

Base line scan and start stims!!

Had my baseline scan this morning. I was very nervous as worried about it being painful. Thankfully my nurse was lovely, so considerate and it hardly hurt!! She is now called nice nurse.

I have a little fluid in my uterus but most prob because I am still bleeding (hopefully, fingers crossed!!) and there are lots of small follicles on both ovaries. My right ovary is in a slightly strange position, most prob due to my endo and adhesion's. Nice nurse said at the mo the ovary is ok to get at for retrieval so hopefully that wont change.

I start my stims tonight!! I am on 300 units of Gonal-F a day and my suprecure (lupron to American's) is continuing but a slightly lower dose.

I am so excited!! We are moving onto the next stage! I am growing my follicles!! This is happening!!

A breakthrough....

...bleed that is. I came off the pill on Friday and this evening started bleeding. I am in a bit of pain and feeling a bit crappy. I do feel like it is progress though.

Yesterday was a bad day for me; DH was at work , I had a headache and I was being massively emotional, nearly in tears a lot of the day. I hated it, I am not someone who cries much.

I am not looking forward to Wednesday, my baseline scan. I most prob will be still bleeding and am worried about me bleeding and them scanning me. I am also worried about the pain. Wanda hurts me every time we meet. I am worried about the pain. Last time I was scanned I was in so much pain I was in tears, they were silently rolling down my face. DH is not with me this time to hold my hand. I wish he was coming, but I will cope. I can do this. I hope it will all be worth it in the end.

6th injection

I cant believe it, but tonight I am just over halfway through my suppression injections!! I stop the pill tomorrow, should have a bleed and then have my first monitoring appointment and baseline scan on Wednessday!!

Things are OK, the injections are going OK. I have found that it hurts less to inject into the fat on the side of my thigh, rather than my belly.

Side effects are not too bad, a few hot flushes and few headaches but still nothing major which is good.

I am worried about Sunday as I have a family party and will need to take my injection with me. I am not sure where I am going to store it or how I am going to sneak off to give it. Hopefully I will be able to work something out, or just leave a little early to be home by 10pm to give it.

On a side note: DH is trying to be helpful and supportive but he cant watch me do the injections! He turns his head away each time! I have asked him if he would inject me, but sadly not!! I hope that I manage to stay strong and am able to keep doing the injections myself! I am worried if the next lot will be bigger or hurt more and I may struggle!

So far so good... 18 days untill my egg retrieval!!! 21 days untill pregant untill proven otherwise!!

Its getting easier

Second injection was a lot better than the first. I did not hesitate, I swabbed and stabbed! There was less pain with the injection but a little more stinging when I pushed on the plunger. Its fine though, I can do it easily, it will lead me to my baby!

I am not having any side effects yet which is good, I am wondering when they start? Third injection is tonight so I guess it will take time. I will be more than happy if the side effects never kick in, but I think that maybe wishful thinking!!

This injection thing is great, it gives me something to do, it helps me to tick the days off, its better than waiting around doing nothing....

1st injection done!!

At 10pm this evening I gave myself my 1st injection! I was nervous. My skin is tougher than expected and it hurt a little as the needle went in. I now have a small mark on my skin it may bruise as I wasn't happy with my technique as I was nervous. I will be better tomorrow night.

This is really happening! I have started my IVF!!!!

My IVF is about to start! A reflection

This is a look back on my IF journey so far. My injections for IVF start tomorrow and I am so fricking excited!!

I got diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 18. I was already with my now DH at the time and expressed my concern to him about my chances of having children. We decided not to worry, we were sure all would be fine, we were too young to think about it so we carried on as normal.

Throughout my training as a vet DH and I always talked about having children and really wanted them once I had worked as a vet for a while to get my career going. Once we got married we decided we were having children as soon as possible. I came off the pill. We started TTC but not properly, that whole 'if we relax it will happen' shite! Each month when it didn't happen it got more and more serious. I started monitoring my ovulation and timing sex and months went by where we kept getting BFN's.

Long story short I went to the doctors, had a 2nd lap, had 6 months of suppression and a 3rd lap to cut me endo away, remove my appendix, biopsy my liver, remove my utero-sacral ligaments and started TTC again. Nothing happened and couldn't cope off the pill, so we had an IVF consult. Because we were told one of my tubes are blocked and the other one is dilated, my chances of conceiving naturally are very small.

I was put on the NHS IVF waiting list and amazingly I am about to start my injections tomorrow!!

I remember when I started this blog. I was a little naive, I was a little too hopeful, but that all changed as my blogging continued. When I first started this blog I got a rude comment from someone. I was told I could not claim I had IF unless I had been TTC for at least 2 years. Now that annoyed me, my journey of TTC had not been as long as some girls, but I had endo, I had a lap, I had already been on different treatments to try to control my endo and pain. Every time I had tried coming off the pill, the pain and sickness had been so bad I had to go back on it. I was frustrated, I couldn't try for a baby like others and that has still been my problem a couple of years down the line. I can not cope off the pill, I need the pill and I hate that. This is why IVF is my only option.

A confession; when I used to read IVF blogs I was always interested and supportive and genuine, but I always secretly hoped it would not be me, felt a little sorry for the girls. I am sure that everyone hoped they would not need IVF. Now that it is most probably my only option I am sad, I am disappointed and I do not want others to have to go through it. I wish I didnt have to go through it. I am nervous. I am scared, what if it doesn't work? What if they can not collect my eggs as my endo is so bad they can not get to my ovaries. What if I do not have a baby at the end of this. How will I cope?

I start my injections tomorrow!!!!

I can't believe it, I have been waiting for tomorrow for what feels like forever and all of a suddenly is nearly here!!

I am very nervous about giving my 1st injection, I am not very good when it comes to doing things to myself. I am a vet, I do loads of injections everyday, just not to myself!!

Any hints and tips to stop bruising and pain would be great.

A reflective post (yay! Lol!) may follow shortly. Just wish to document my feelings on my journey so far.

Did I mention I am so excited!!!

My boss reduced me to tears

My boss is a horrible w@"%#r. Sorry about the swearing, but my boss treated me and spoke to me like shit yesterday. I was on duty and we got a cow c-section emergency. I rang him for some help as I have never done a cow c-section before and he is my second on call. He shouted at me down the phone, had a go at me for calling him and refused to come help me. He just demanded I go and get on with it myself. I kept my cool whilst on the phone, but burst into tears and was shaking when I got off the phone from him. No one should speak to anyone like the way that he spoke to me. I was ready to leave work right that second, was going to hand in my resignation and not work my two month notice. Thankfully LG my collegue came with me and showed me how to do it and we did it together. I now know how to do it and will be fine next time. I cant believe my Boss would not help, was so rude, shouted at me down the phone.

If I did not have my IVF starting on Saturday (OMG!!!) I would have handed my notice in today wth no regrets. I feel I can not go through IVF and work out my notice and job hunt. The stress will be detrimental to my IVF and my chances. I just need to suck it up, avoid my boss so that there is no confrontation and concentrate all my efforts on getting pregnant!!

I hate how my Boss spoke to me and I hate how he has made me feel and I hate how I have lost sleep over him and I hate that he has made me hate him....

On a positive note; in one months time I will hopefully be pregnant until proven otherwise!!!

Up and down

Thanks to everyone for their support, means a lot to me. I have been having good happy days and very depressed days for the last week. I am just sick of waiting, sick of wanting something so bad. I have realised that a week on Saturday I will be starting my injections!! Yay, one more week of waiting and then hell. The insomnia, migraines and restlessness will start! I am sure I will be moody during it but hopefully it will be worth it.

As far as my friend at work goes, she is pregnant which is great for her, but we all sadly found out a horrible way. She came into work on Monday in tears as she was bleeding and she thought she was miscarrying again. She could not get a scan until Wednesday and the bleeding had started on the Saturday! The NHS is shit!! Thankfully the baby is fine, they saw a heart beat and she is 8 weeks PG! It suddenly put things into perspective, the jealousy went away immediately. I did not want her to go through another miscarriage and thankfully at the mo all is fine.

The hard thing is now that everyone at work knows, there is soooo much talk of babies. Everyone is obviously happy for her and excited, including me, but it is hard at times.

Not long now and hopefully it will be me as well. We will have babies three months apart, fingers crossed for both of us!!

Where has Nic gone?

I feel like an empty shell. I am depressed, I am moody, I am grumpy, I am down, I am not myself.

If I am like this before I even start my injections, what am I going to be like once I have all those hormones pumping around my system?

I think I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that my friend is PG but hasnt told me yet. I am, trying hard not let on that I know, trying hard not to be jealous. It is alwful, I should not be jealous, she is a fellow IFer, she had a misscarriage, she deserves this baby. I am very happy for her. Its just something about being with her all day at work knowing she is pregnant that is bringing me down.

I have no patience, I am sick of waiting for a baby, sick of waiting for IVF and I am sick of feeling like this. I do not like myself at the moment.

My blankets

Here are the two blankets that I have Crocheted. The first one is not great, but it was good practice and I can still use it.


I like the yellow and white one, quite proud of that one.



Sorry the pictures are not very good.

Now you all know what I have been doing with my time. This boring wait for my IVF to start.
I am in the process of making another one for my friend who is pregnant as a gift.

I am bored and depressed at the mo. July 10th cant come quick enough!!

I think she is pregnant

My friend at work who was TTC for 2 years, got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 11 weeks is pregnant again I think. She hasn't announced it yet as I don't think she is far gone. I am sure she is pregnant as she is avoiding drinking tea, keeping away from cat poo at work and running away from the x-ray machine when we take x-rays.

I am fricking excited for her if it is correct! She has been through so much heartache which a lot of you guys have been through as well. I wanna hug her and scream and laugh and cry all at the same time when she announces it if I am correct.

I will be a little jealous, I will cry a few tears for myself, but for some reason a PG announcement from a fellow IFer is a little easier. It does mean though that if my IVF works we will be having babies a few months apart!!

I have no news to report as far as I go, I am on the pill, I have 23 more days until I get to start my injections. I am so ready for this IVF!

Had a great weekend

For once, I had a great weekend. Normally we sit at home, catch up on TV, go for walks with the dogs and thats about it. This weekend we were busy, a good busy. Friday night we went out with a bunch of DH's work mates, had a mexican, a few drinks and went bowling. Saturday DH and I went to an open air gig and saw a few bands, including one of our favourite bands, the Doves, was an amazing night. Today we have caught up on a few jobs in the house and had a good day. I have felt quite happy this weekend, I have felt relatively relaxed. Problem is, I am still thinking about our IVF, wishing this month would go quicker, wishing I was pregnant already.

Nothing will truly distract me, nothing will make this month go fast.

27 days untill I start my injections!!

One month from today...

... I will be starting my injections!!!

AF is still here and is painful as ever but I am hopefully going to be saying good bye to her on Saturday. I shall slam the door on her ass on the way out! I do not want to see her again for at least another year!

Time is going slow, I am wishing that I could go to sleep and wake up and it be July already. I am ready for this, I am ready for IVF, I am ready to have a baby (as ready as anyone can be!!).

What shall I do for the next month to occupy myself? Crochet another blanket?!? I have nearly finished my second one! Maybe I shall post pictures of them soon!

Nearly starting my IVF journey

I have come off the the pill, due to have CD1 on Monday and then back on pill after a week of having a period. I then need to be on the pill for 21 days and then 10th July I start my injections!!! I am not looking forward to having a period, hopefully the pain will be less than usual as I am on the pill these days whilst waiting for IVF. I am hoping this is my last period that I will have for the next year! How amazing would that be!! For once I am vaguely looking forward to getting my period!

I have not been blogging much recently as nothing to talk about. I can only blog about the boring wait of IVF so many times!!

DH is sadly away for 6 days working. I am bored of us never spending time together. He is either away working or I am on duty working weekends. I really miss being with him. Thankfully he will be around during my IVF and injections to help me and support me.

IF is private

I visitied a great blog earlier about privacy. Click here to read it. It was all about why people keep IF private. below is the comment I left.

I keep IF private due to a number of reasons, poss all you have listed above! Its none of your buisiness, fear, do not want to continuously talk about it, do not want to hear all the usual cliches e.g. ' if you just relax' etc.
I have opened up to a couple of friends and that has helped a litte. DH's parents and grandparents vaguely know we have IF issues, how ever that does not stop them keep usking us when we are going to have kids. If people that know can be so insensitive, then there is no point telling everyone else as the insensitivity will continue regardless.
I am not telling people that we are going through IVF other than 2 close friends. This is mainly because I do not want people keep asking questions, staring at my belly expectantly, I do not want to dissapoint everyone if I do not get pregnant. I can not cope with everyone else's pain when I will be dealing with mine and DH's.
People at work are already speculating though, one person actully mentioned to someone else that they think I am going through IVF. How the hell do they know? I have only just found out and got my dates. I dont even start until July!
Privacy makes it easier, I think.....

Learning to crochet

As the title suggests, I am desperately trying to find something to keep me and my mind occupied. 10th July is when I start my injections, and that seems so far away. I am learning to crochet. I have started on a blanket. It is a bit wonky, it is not very good, but it is definetly keeping me busy. It shall be for when I have a baby. I shall continue to crochet blankets and poss other things untill I have a baby. I may well have a whole house full of yarn and items, but I am hoping not!!

Do any of you crochet? Do any of you have tips and any patterns that are good for beginners but look more effective than just a simple double stitch blanket!

I hate being in limbo. Nothing much to talk about, nothing, much to report. I am on the pill, waiting to start IVF. The wait is killing me!

Last weekend DH an I went away for 3 days. It was our 2 year wedding anniversary and we stayed in a nice little hotel and spent some time togther. Was nice to get away, be with each other and have a break before the stress of the next few months.

About me - ICLW

I realise I am a little late, but here is a little about me and my IF journey:

• I am 26, a veterinary surgeon
• I have hypothyroidism and endometriosis
• I have had 3 laps
• we have been TTC on and off for nearly 2 years
• I have 1 blocked tube and the other doesn't look great!
• we are starting our first IVF cycle in July
• I desperately want a baby but for mow have 2 fur babies- maddy and scamp my 2 rescue dogs

My schedule at last!!!

The nurse rang me yesterday and I now have my schedule!! She will type it out and send it in a letter, but here is what she told me:

10th July: Start 50 units seprecure once a day
16th July: Stop the pill
21st July: Baseline scan and start 300 units Gonal F once a day
28th July: 2nd scan
30th July: 3rd scan
31st July: ovadril trigger shot
2nd August: Egg retrieval
5th August: Embryo transfer!!
2 weeks of progesterone suppositories
2 weeks later: POAS (hopefully a BFP!!)

I cant believe that 2nd of August I will be PUPO! (pregnant untill proven otherwise!!)

This is really happening, I am going to be doing IVF, I may get pregnant!

Today I went and had a manicure and a pedicure as a treat. I spent my birthday money on me for once. I am going to try to be healthy and exercise and get my body in shape a bit, but not go too crazy. I am also going to look after my mind and body
a bit. Maybe have a massage just before I start my injections.

I am so freeking excited!! I cant wait for the 10th July. I realise injections will be shit etc, but I am on my way to getting a baby ifallgoeswell

Where is my bloody schedule?!?

Had an appointment with a nurse to get my schedule today and I was not given it. Grrrr! That was the whole point of the appointment. DH and I had our blood taken to check for HIV, hepatitis etc and thats about it.

They are trying to get me to que jump a little and so they will call me by the end of the week for my dates. I have however got a idea of what drusg and doses. i will post the proper schedule when I have it

Carry on taking microgynon pill
50 units of boserilin once a day
Base line scan
Gonal F 300 units once a day.

Thats it for the mo. What do you guys think about the dosages? I have been told that I have been put on a higher dose of Gonal F to try to prevent me not responding and a cancellation.

I thought I would leave very excited, instead I left fealing deflated. At least they are trying to get me in as soon as possible. It will be towards the end of July at the latest apparently.

Looking forward to getting my schedule!

I am struggling to contain my excitement! I am really looking forward to Wednesday, meeting the nurse and getting my schedule for my IVF!

My boss is still being nice to me and being supportive. Normally he is a complete idiot, rude most of the time and mean. For him to ask me how I am doing and tell me not to worry, it will be all ok, is amazing!!

My bleeding has finally stopped and I am slowly counting down the days until I get my schedule!

I am getting ahead of myself. I keep imagining myself pregnant, keep working out what my due date could be if I got PG and even compiling a secret list of baby names I like!! This is not good. If it fails it will destroy us like any normal couple but the hope I am giving myself, the image of myself being pregnant, its going to crush me if this does not work.

Not sure why I am bleeding (TMI!)

I had my period last week, was painful etc. I then started back on the pill on Friday and all was fine for a couple of days. On Monday afternoon I noticed a brown bloody discharge, though nothing of it and sort of ignored it. It has got progressively worse since then. It is like the end of a period blood. I am not in any pain, everything with me is normal except for this slight bleeding.

Why is this happening? Is it because of the pill?

I have my IVF schedule appointment on Wednessday. If it continues I shall try to speak to someone then.

I told my boss today that I will be going through IVF in July. He was strangely Ok about it and supportive! I am going to try to keep it a secret. How many of you decided to be open about IVF and how manay managed to keep it secret?

This is actually going to happen....

....in July!!!
Had my IVF appointment with my doctor today. It went well. She discussed my medical history, what I am to expect during the IVF and went through it step by step. I am so excited!

I have an appointment with a nurse next week (wed 19th may!) to get my schedule and be shown how to inject myself!! I cant believe I have been waiting for what feels like ages and now things are suddenly moving along so fast!! July is close really. I will give you all my schedule next week. The RE's are going to get together and discuss my case as they cant decided whether to put me on a normal dose of FSH or a higher one because of my endo. She also said they may transfer two embryo's depending on their quality!

It is a bit daunting, a bit scary, but I am so excited! I am getting a bit ahead of myself though, I am imagining myself pregnant, what my due date possibly could be etc. I have worked out my due date ifallgoeswell will be this time next year!!

Goal now is weight loss, I want to lose 6lb before my cycle!

Oh yeah, by the way, its my birthday tomorrow, I will be 26!

IVF appointment tomorrow! *updated*

I am so excited! We have our appointment tomorrow with our RE, not met her before, hope she's good. It will be an hours long consult on our health and about our IVF protocol! I know I still have a few months till I cycle, but it is one step closer! I have a massive list of questions to ask! Anyone got any good questions I should ask?

How many did everyone transfer on their 1st ivf cycle? I think they will only put one embryo back in 1st time due to me only being 26 when I get to cycle. How many should I transfer? The idea of twins does not horrify me, but makes me concerned as to how we would cope and the pregnancy risks etc.

Other news- my period lasted 7 days and was extremely painful as ever, is over now thankfully.
Work is awful, receptionist still being a bitch to me. I sat in my car at lunch time on Friday in tears.

Will let u all know how tomorrows appointment goes!

A poem

I saw this on another blog and had to post it here. I love it...made me cry (of course! :))

"Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Painful period

Not only does AF show up 4 days late and give me false hope, she is bloody painful and heavy. I am feeling like shit, I am struggling to function at work and I am feeling pretty down.

To top things off I burnt my heat pad in the broken microwave at work, and my receptionist at work is slagging me off as I am 'always ill' (WTF!! How rude! You think I like being ill and in so much pain all the time?) This is the same receptionist who called me into work one day, telling me I had to come in right away when I had called in sick as I was vomiting due to pain! BITCH!

Monday cant come any quicker. Cant wait to see how quickly I can do an IVF cycle!

The fat lady is singing

My period has started....... FUCK

Al that wondering, all that false hope. Its over.

At least I have my IVF appointment in a weeks time. There was a hope that I would have been one of those 'opps I got pregnant before my IVF appointment' kinda gal's. Obviously not.

Now I am in shit loads of pain and work is busy. I have been on a 110 hr on duty shift at the vets (OMG how freaking long, I am sure it is illegal!) and have another 36 hours to go! I am so down in the dumps. DH is away working so I cant even get a hug from him.

Go on, say it....

...'I told you so'.

I POAS... of course it was a BFN! I knew it would be, but I couldn't resist. I am on CD31 and I don't feel like AF will be showing yet. I know now that I have said that, she will arrive in 5 minutes!

It was playing on my mind all last night. At least I know now. I have another 2 days before I test again. I am sure AF will be here by then.

Hope, it is a wicked thing, it keeps our spirits up and then suddenly brings us down hard.

1 day late

AF was due yesterday...... Where is she? I am too scared to take a pg test. There is no way I could be pregnant this month. DH was away when I was meant to ovulate. Unless I ovulated late. I am normally a 28/29 cycle length kinda girl. I have been screwing my cycles up by coming on and off pill.

I'm trying hard not to read into this. I don't feel pg, but I don't feel like af will show today. No doubt I will get into work and she will arrive as ever.

If I don't have my period by tomorrow I will pee on a stick.
Think I'm giving myself false hope!

What is your clinic's IVF success rate?

I was searching what my clinic's success rate is and it says for under 37 year olds it is 24%. Now is it me, or is it low? I will be 26 years old when I cycle, what do you think my success rate should be for IVF with me having endo?

Where I am at and advice wanted please

Sorry I have been MIA, things have been hectic, but in a good way for once. I have been away in Dublin for a hen party. Was a great weekend, made new friends, was a lovely city and had a great fun time!

I have an appointment on the 10th May at 11.20am at the IVF clinic! I am pleased it has been confirmed! It will be an hour long to discuss the ins and outs. I then need to make an appointment with the nurse to sort out the exact protocol and dates! I am so freaking excited! I asked I when they think I would be cycling, and they said they may be able to squeeze me in on the June/July cycle (!!), if not it will be in August!! OMG I will be going through IVF! I maybe pregnant this summer!

I am looking for some advice on how to tell my boss about IVF. I don't want to, but I have to with my job, being a vet. The health and safety is a big thing with x-rays and anaesthetics etc. How do I approach my boss? It is personal, not many people will know about the IVF anyway. My boss is a family type man, but can be an arsehole at times, esp when it is to do with work etc.
Help!!

PS. I am sooooooo excited that I will be cycling this summer!
PPS. I am due my period tomorrow ( I hope I get a BFP and wont need IVF, I doubt is somehow!!)

Off to Dublin for the weekend!

I am off for a hen weekend to Dublin! Just what I need to cheer me up. It will be good for me to get away from it all. I am going to have a few drinks, but will not go to mad. I know I should not drink as I might be pregnant, but I have not had a drink for so long and got a BFN every month. Maybe if I don't do things right, it may end in a BFP. I doubt it, but what they hey!

Will catch up with you all in a few days

Provisional date....!

I have been ringing and bugging the fertility clinic and finally, today they have said they will be giving me a date in a few days time, most prob for Monday the 10th May!! Now before you all get massively excited, it is just a consult to discuss my protocol and when my IVF cycle will happen. I am massively excited though! Looks like I may be cycling in the summer after all! This is the first thing that has made me smile in weeks!

Too little too late?

DH came back late last night. I have really missed him. We BD late last night. It was CD18. I usually ovulate between day 16-18. Could I have possibly ovulated yesterday? Could the timing still have been right? I don't know. I did not pee on any sticks this month. Whats the point? If I found out I ovulated on Friday or Saturday I would have been even more depressed. Instead I am working under the illusion that I ovulated Sunday and I still stand a chance this month!

Slowly slipping..

...deeper and deeper into a depression. I can not seem to stop myself. I know its a state of mind, I know I should be strong enough to pull myself out of this, but I can not.

Work is terrible, DH is away when I am ovulating, I am still waiting to hear about my IVF appointment and all my friends are having babies.

I could sit here and cry all evening but it will not change a thing.... I still am not pregnant, I do not have my baby and does not look like I will for a long time yet.

Its over before it began

You all know how excited I have been to be TTC this month, well its over. DH is having to work away this weekend. Work is demanding he goes away from Thursday-Sunday and guess what, I am due to ovulate on Saturday! I am sooooo pissed off. It is not DH's fault, he has no say in these things. I just feel so annoyed. I wish I didn't come off the pill this month, its is pointless. I am going to have a awful, painful period this month for no reason. I could have stayed on the pill this month.

In other news, I am STILL waiting to hear from the fertility clinic. I called them and they told me I have been granted funding from the nhs which is great. I am still waiting to be given a date though. It is so frustrating. I am so tired of waiting.

Away for the weekend

Not much been going on. My period has ended and it was the best period I have had in ages. A lot less pain which is great.

I am excited to be TTC this month. I am away at a congress for the weekend and when I get back I am due to ovulate. I look forward to getting back and having a lot of sex!

As far as IVF goes, I am still waiting for an appointment in the summer. I will call the clinic next week if I do not here anything

What a difference a month makes

I am so pleased I went back on the pill last month. I cant believe I just said that! My period this month has been a lot better. Less pain and not as heavy. I am still in shit loads of pain, but I can walk, I can function which is a lot more than I have been able to do previously.
I just hope that I ovulate this month. I am not sure what coming on and off the pill will do to my cycles. I am just pleased that my endo has calmed down a little, for how long though I dont know.

I am starting to get impatient with my IVF. I thought I would have a date for my consultation by now. I have found out that I have only just been put on the NHS waiting list, I thought I was put on it 2 months ago!! Oh well, IVF in June is out of the question. I just hope that I have it by the end of summer, that is my new goal. It keeps being pushed back all the time.

USA trip and CD1

Doing a long haul flight with an 83 year old Nan is not fun. Im sure it was worse than traveling with a small child. I had to do everything for her, remind her when to go to the toilet, when to take her pills. We had to make all her drinks for her, all her food for the whole week. I know she is old, but she lives on her own, she is self sufficient, she can look after herself!

Seeing my parents was better than expected. They treated me better and spoke to me better than I thought they would. I don't get on with my parents well and so was not looking forward to the trip. I was pleasantly surprised!

I adore Madison, my little 4 month old niece, she looks like me when I was her age. I could not stop staring at her, wanting to touch her, wanting to hold her and feed her. I wished she was mine, I was jealous. How bad is that! I am jealous of my brother and SIL! That said, I am very happy for them, they are great parents and I know Madison will be bought up so well.

On a side note, I started my period today. I have been on the pill for the last 4 weeks in the hope that it will calm my endo a little. I came off it to have a period, and to see if it has helped. I think it has helped a little. I am in slightly less pain than normal. I haven't been sick yet, which is always a good sign. Thankfully I am not back at work until Saturday, so hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I am not going to go back on the pill this month, we will TTC this month. I am excited to be back on the TTC wagon, I missed it last month!

I met my niece!

I am back from my trip to the USA! I am exhausted, been up for 36 hours so this will be a short post.

I got to meet Madison, my niece! She is 4 months old and she is ADORABLE! She looks like me at that age. She is very smiley, has beautiful large eyes and is a good baby. I loved spending time with her and my SIL and bro. I was so sad to say goodbye. I enjoyed meeting her, however I know that at 4months old she will not remember me! I may not get to meet her again until she is 5 years oldish which is hard to get my head around.

It was hard to be around a baby 24hours a day and it not be mine. I wanted her to be mine, I had this ache in my heart every time I held her or looked at her. I managed to get over this though, I told myself, she is my niece, I will always be part of her life one way or another. I am so happy for my SIL and bro, but there was a slight jealousy. I did learn a lot from being around them, picked up a few pointers for when I have my baby. It will happen, I will have my baby, when I don't know though! (The power of positive thinking eh!)

I will write more later about rest of my trip later. I am off to bed now