BFN again, it's getting boring now

I am 10dp5dt and I saw those horrible words 'not pregnant' after I POAS at 6 am this morning. This is getting a bit too repetitive and boring now. 6 cycles, 6 BFNs. I am gutted and am starting to accept this will never happen. The chances of the lone frostie we have left sticking is very slight. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just sitting starring into space as my mind goes into overdrive.

It's over. Again.

AF showed this morning, a day early as ever. I couldn't wait any longer and so tested at lunch. It was negative.
I was at work when AF arrived, had no work on so burst into tears, picked up my bag and left. One friend tried to ask what was wrong, realised, and tried to hug me. I gave her a quick hug, said AF was here and left! I feel bad leaving as my friends were worried bout me but I was struggling to hold it together and I hate crying in front on people!

By the way, my clinic does not do beta's just relies on me POAS!

I'm now sitting on my sofa, feeling pissed off and sorry for myself. I did pick up a big tub of choc icecream on way home and am about to tuck in!

Now where's my wine....?!

We have a plan, sort of...

My case was reviewed at the clinic today and I got a call this evening. After having 2 failed IVf cycles and 2 failed FET's at the age of 26-27 and having good numbers of eggs and decent embryo's my clinic has suggested that I have immune testing before next cycle. I am very happy about this as I was going to push for this before doing anything more. I will be having the blood test on 31st Oct and then a follow up appointment on the 15th November to talk about results, plan of action etc.

I have used up all my goes on the NHS and so now we are going to have to pay. I am very lucky to have the cycles on the NHS, but we never thought that we would need more than this. We thought, wow, thats generous, who needs all of those goes. Oh how niave we were! :(

BFFN again

Don't know why I am so suprised. I was secretly thinking it had worked this time, but yet again my body has let me down. I did not want to test today, I loved being PUPO, but my clinic told me today was my OTD. I now have the horrible ordeal of calling clinic again to tell them I am not pregnant (and wonder if I ever will be).

Sushi and wine tonight I think and another box of tissues to cry into

How do you pick yourself up?

I am struggling with this BFN. I struggled with my last two, but this one seems to be harder. Each BFN is harder. I manage to pick myself up eventually but never quite as high as what I was before. Each time I fall, I seem to fall lower.

At the moment all I want to do is lay on the bed curled in a ball and cry or just lay there and mourn. I do not want to be near anyone but my DH. I do not want to go outside, I do not want to go to work, I do not want to eat and I seem to have trouble sleeping.

DH and I have been talking about whether I am going to ever get pregnant. Whether we will ever have a child of our own. This has depressed me further. I know we need to be realistic, but I am not ready to give up yet.

There suddenly have been talks about adoption. It is something that we both want to do, but I feel like it will be admitting defeat. If we do adopt, we want to put our whole sole into it, and not still be going through treatment for a biological child. A family is what is very important to us. If we do adopt, it we mean I will never be pregnant, give birth, breast feed, hold my newborn for the first time. This is a hard pill to swallow, and at the moment, not one I am able to.

12dp3dt BFFN *updated*

Think it's all over....
I was certain it would work this time.
Devastated.

**update**
AF has just showed to kick me while I am down.
It is all over now....

Trying to get over it.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I called the clinic yesterday and told them of my BFN. I said AF has not showed yet and I was told to stop my progesterone and oestrogen. AF is still not here. Frustrating as I just want to move on. I know when she does show it will be upsetting. I guess the whole time she stays away there is that small niggle at the back of your mind saying 'maybe they were just late implanting, maybe the POAS was wrong'. I know this is not the case though.

3 more days of work and then off on holiday woth DH and the dogs to Cornwall. I need the break so bad! I need to give my mind and body a rest.

BFFN

I pee'd on two sticks this morn, one a first response and one clear blue. Both a BFFN. I am 11dp5dt. Surely its over. Where is AF?

Will call clinic soon. So upset and pissed off. What is wrong with my shitty body?!?

8dp5dt

I need another slap.... DH does not know I POAS a stick yesterday and he has kept telling me to test so I tested this morning on my AM urine at 8dp5dt and it was still a BFN. I used a digital and there is something SO offensive by it saying 'NOT pregnant'. Surely it could let you down gently first!!! Of course I cried, of course I feel like it is all over but AF is not here yet so its not over yet. I am feeling a bit sore and crampy though.

Sadly I am working all this weekend, days and nights so will not have time to rest. It may help me to take my mind off things but I am scared I will get my period at work and be on my own like last failed IVF.

As ever I am the optimist!

I gave in

I POAS this afternoon. I know its only 7dp5dt and is very early. It was a negative. I half expected it, but half of me hoped it would be a miracle. I am gutted. I keep telling myself it is early and it was not on the first urine of the day. It was on a FRED though......

I have had a few minor cramps on my right side today and I am grumpy. Hope it is not PMS, just me feeling down and pessimistic.

Not a lot to report

I am just trying to mend my heart, trying to get over the bitter dissapointment of this BFN. It is hard to carry on as normal, carry on with a smile on my face at work.

I am looking forward though. Thinking of the two frosties that are waiting for us, our two frozen potential babies. Hopefully they will be the ones.

Thank you all for you support and encouragement. It is hard at the moment. I want to talk about things and DH is retracting into his shell. I guess we both deal and cope with things diffently.

Thank you all for your support

DH and I are devastated about our BFN. We were so certain it would work, we put two good embies in, what could possibly go wrong, eh? I dont know whether they stopped growing or whether they didnt implant. I dont know whether it was the embies that were no good or my uterus?

I rang the clinic this morning to say I got a BFN and that I got my period. They told me my notes would be reviewed and they would get back to me with what the plan may be next time. Thankfully I have two frosties waiting to be put back in. Hopefully we will get to do a FET soon.

The progesterone has stopped, the pain is bad, I am depressed. I still have another two days of work until I can spend time with my DH, until I can properly cry and just take it all in. At the moment I having to pretend all is well, carry on with work as if all is normal when inside, I am crying, devastated and so so down.

Thank you to everyone who was supportive, encouraging and went through this IVF with me. I am so upset for all us who have just got our BFN's. Next time we will get our dream (fingers crossed).

9dp3dt - BFN

I POAS early this morning and there was only one line. BFFN.

I was hoping for a faint line, a little 'hello, we are in here' faint line. I am feeling very down in the dumps and tearful. I cried on DH for so many reasons. I am scared its not worked,I want a baby so much, I do NOT want to go through an egg retrieval again unless I have a full anaesthetic. I am also scared AF is going to show any minute. I had a little pressure in my uterus last night and now I am feeling a little crampy. Is this good or bad? Is this AF?

DH said he doesnt think it is AF because I havent been a bitch to him like I usually am when I have PMT!

I should not really been peeing on any sticks untill Friday, thats the day my doctor told me to do it. Sadly I dont get a beta. Am I over reacting, is there still chance? Will I get my BFP in 2 days time? I am using first response which are meant to be very sensitive. Why all the cramps which are getting worse?

Go on, say it....

...'I told you so'.

I POAS... of course it was a BFN! I knew it would be, but I couldn't resist. I am on CD31 and I don't feel like AF will be showing yet. I know now that I have said that, she will arrive in 5 minutes!

It was playing on my mind all last night. At least I know now. I have another 2 days before I test again. I am sure AF will be here by then.

Hope, it is a wicked thing, it keeps our spirits up and then suddenly brings us down hard.

Off to see the Dr

Have my hospital appointment this morning to review my endometriosis, my TTC efforts and how I have been coping off the pill. I can say now, I have not coped being off the pill. My endometriosis and pain has got more severe every cycle.

I have been charting my cycles for the last 5 cycles so will take a quick summary with me. I don't know if he will be interested as he is purely seeing me due to endo but you never know.

I am nervous about having the ultrasound and the wand up me. Thankfully AF has not arrived yet so I don't have the ick factor to contend with as well.

I am going to ask if I can have a HSG performed and then poss be referred on to an RE if nothing found on HSG. I know I have fertility issues as have endo, I don't see the point of hanging around waiting when things can get done. Gonna get the ball rolling I think. We shall see what the Dr says. the unhelpful thing is that I think DH wants to just ride it out, wait and see, it may happen one day. That is not good enough for me!

Oh I took a HPT and got a BFN. Not too suprised as only cycle day 9, just wanted to check though before goingt o the hospital that I wasnt by some miracle pregnant!

Its not over yet

I gave in, I peed on a stick and got a BFN. I know is early days but AF is due from tomorrow. I bought the v expensive HPT's and they still gave me the wrong result!! However, I still have hope, AF has not arrived yet!!!!

My holiday was great, went on lots of lovely walks, swimming, played golf and went bowling. The only problem was that there were so many pregnant people and babies about. It was a constant reminder of what we do not have, yet.

I am still feeling sick, even after 2hours sleep and my BB are so sore. I wish it was because I was pregnant but think I am coming down with something. I really don't want to see AF. Not sure I can cope with the pain and illness

Not pregnant...

... was what my helpful little digital HPT said to me at 5am this morn! Somehow the words make it even harder to digest than no second line.

Had a dreadful nights sleep last night and got 2 emergency calls in the night. The second one was at 5am. I decided to POAS then as I wanted to use the first urine of the day and I needed to pee! There I was at 5am POAS in the freezing cold. DH tucked up in bed asleep. 3 mins is such a long time to wait on your own. When I got the BFN I did nothing but throw the stick away and climb into bed. No tears, no nothing, just felt numb. The bitter disappointment will heat soon when AF arrives.

I haven't told DH, he doesn't need the pain, he will find out soon enough when I get my period. For now it is off to work with a smiling face. Had a awful day and night yesterday and am in for more today. Just want to stay home and curl up in a ball and have a cry. May feel better if I let it out rather than lock it all in and then it burst out at an inappropriate time!

Oh the joys of TTC. Why do we put ourselves through the heartache every month?

Lucky number 3

So this is cycle #3 for us. I realise for most of you out there in relation to you I have not been trying long at all, but I have been through a lot of health issues and operations before I could get to this stage of even contemplating TTC so the journey has been a lot longer than just these three cycles. (Sorry I know this sounds like I am being defensive but I didn't want to offend anyone by talking about my struggle if you think I am only on cycle #3 and that's it).

Anyway I have decided it will be lucky for us this cycle (its called positive thinking!!) I am going to change my way of thinking, the way I act and be a little less obsessive as it obviously didn't work last cycle!! My DH said that we will have more sex this cycle, I agree that we need to. I think he found it hard having sex when I was fertile as I only wanted him for his sperm!! It is not common for a man to be this sensitive, that is usually the women's job!!! I think I have managed to get him out of the the 'lets wait and see, if it happens it happens' type mentality and we are both going to go for it this cycle instead of just me!

As far as my period is going, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I feel rubbish, the pain is bad and one minute I don't feel like eating and the next I want to eat 10 large chocolate bars! It really is not helping my diet but times like these I need a little chocolate, maybe not the whole 10 bars though!! My emotions are all over the place and because of this DH is trying to avoid me, but this only makes me angry!! He is doing his best though.

I was thinking yesterday how having a period is such a punishment for us who are TTC. Not only have we just received a BFN either by testing or finding aunt flo has arrived, but we then have to put up with hell for a week. I suffer badly with periods due to my endometriosis and so every BFN I get it is extra hard as I then go through a week of severe pain and feeling extremely unwell. Oh well, the joys of being a woman!

Looking back on my post I realise I am not quite as down as yesterday. That doesnt mean I am over my dissapointment but I am now trying to look to the future and this new cycle. Dweling on the past will not help.

Bitter disapointment

What was the feeling sick all about and pain in my stomach a week after ovulation? My body was playing tricks on me. I know I read into the pain signs too much but the sickness was real, I hardly ate and lost weight. That's not like me!! I thought I was pregnant for a few days.

Aunt flo is in full swing and I am not feeling great. I hope my period is not going to be bad this month, I could hardly cope last few months. Also I have a 3 day weekend on Friday and don't want to be feeling crap for all of it.

I told my DH last night that my period had started. He didn't really say anything and I was angry at the time but looking back he did the right thing, I was stressed, upset and angry and it wasn't the right time to talk. He later hugged me and talked with me. I said I was extremely upset and disappointed and so was DH. I was crying a little, I really didn't want to as I don't generally cry but DH was being nice and hugging me and I couldn't help it. I am upset, not only due to my BFN but because I am meant to go to the hospital next month and poss have an operation, I really don't want this.

BFN

Big Fat Negative and Aunt flo seems to have arrived.....

No words to explain how I really feel...

Gutted, disappointed, upset...... SHIT.