USA trip and CD1

Doing a long haul flight with an 83 year old Nan is not fun. Im sure it was worse than traveling with a small child. I had to do everything for her, remind her when to go to the toilet, when to take her pills. We had to make all her drinks for her, all her food for the whole week. I know she is old, but she lives on her own, she is self sufficient, she can look after herself!

Seeing my parents was better than expected. They treated me better and spoke to me better than I thought they would. I don't get on with my parents well and so was not looking forward to the trip. I was pleasantly surprised!

I adore Madison, my little 4 month old niece, she looks like me when I was her age. I could not stop staring at her, wanting to touch her, wanting to hold her and feed her. I wished she was mine, I was jealous. How bad is that! I am jealous of my brother and SIL! That said, I am very happy for them, they are great parents and I know Madison will be bought up so well.

On a side note, I started my period today. I have been on the pill for the last 4 weeks in the hope that it will calm my endo a little. I came off it to have a period, and to see if it has helped. I think it has helped a little. I am in slightly less pain than normal. I haven't been sick yet, which is always a good sign. Thankfully I am not back at work until Saturday, so hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I am not going to go back on the pill this month, we will TTC this month. I am excited to be back on the TTC wagon, I missed it last month!

CD1? - peeved *updated*

Woke up with the worst cramps ever this morning, my belly was aching all night, but this morning the pain was awful, I has to some pills straight away. I couldn't even string a sentence together, the pain was so consuming. I presume my period will arrive any second, I presume I am not pregnant!

I was really hoping to have less painful periods after my lap, doesn't seem like it is going to be the case! I will update if AF does show, I expect she is just around the corner.

The very crap thing if today is cd1 (other than not being pg!) is that I might not be able to get my day 2-5 bloods done as that is due tomorrow or over the weekend and my doctors need at least a week to book any form of appointment! So much for being fast tracked to IVF if I can't actually get the tests done!

*Update*
AF appeared this eve, bollox! That is all hope for this cycle gone!

New blog design....new cycle...

Woke up this morning to find AF had arrived. I am disappointed. I know I went away on a business trip, but because I ovulated late it meant we actually BD at the right time. I would say pretty much as I was ovulating as I had some pain on my right hand side of my belly. Now if that was perfect timing and I am not pregnant it could mean a few things: Sperm and egg did not get on with each other, sperm stood the egg up, egg stood the sperm up or I just don't know! lol!

It is making me feel like I need my laparoscopy though. I know I am ovulating but if my tubes are blocked then of course I wont be able to get pregnant. Also DH needs his SA just in case he has no sperm.

I am wondering what to do about my next cycle. I am off on holiday to Rome on the 18th May and it means that AF will be due whilst in Rome. I don't want to be on holiday with it, mostly due to the pain I will be in and I will struggle to enjoy my holiday and sight see and do lots of walking. This will be our only holiday this year as we are in the process of buying a house (yay!!!). I want this to be a special holiday. It is our 1 year anniversary and I don't want AF! Should I go back on the BCP until my lap? The doctor did suggest it as a possibility. Thing is it will take me a while to start cycling again and I would want to take advantage of my increased fertility after my lap and HSG etc. What do you all think?

Had a cry

Had another shit day at work. I am exhausted and on duty again tonight. My stomach cramps have been bad all day. I have felt sick and had a migraine. I have also been told I look terrible. I looked in the mirror and they were right, I was a horrible grey colour! I have decided I wont go into work tomorrow if I feel this ill. Today was such a struggle.

I have been sitting here catching up on all the blogs I haven't read for a while and watching a bit of TV. I received a mail from a baby website today and it was all about coping with not conceiving. It was as if they knew I had just got a BFN. That was enough for me to burst into tears. Thankfully DH is not at home to witness that small out burst but I do feel better for it.

Was very sad to turn my fertility monitor on this morning and set it to day 1. I know it is a new cycle, new chance to get pregnant but it is still hard to deal with. Having to go through the highs and lows, the hope and misery of TTC and getting another BFN at the end of it all.

I am not in a good place right now. My really bad AF is not helping and the increasing number of pregnancy announcements is making me worse. I know I will feel better once AF is gone but right now I am not great.

Extra note: I have decided new cycle new look to blog, shall do this every cycle. Lets hope I can find enough designs to keep me going!! Who knows how long this may take!