It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! One of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage is the relationship with the couple's parents. It is all too easy for in-laws to drive a wedge between two people who otherwise love each other more than anyone else in the world. Our loyalty to our family is just really hard to break, and sometimes takes precedence over what should be our primary loyalty to our spouse.
Now I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They have never tried to interfere, and as such we've always gotten along! We play cards together, we take vacations together, we laugh together. And my mother gets along with my mother-in-law, too, although the two could not be more different. But everybody in my family has decided that it is best just to get along. It's easier for everyone. So we let things go, and we have fun.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way in all marriages. Many people, when they get married, still feel closely tied to their parents--even if their parents weren't great parents. In fact, especially if their parents weren't great. We're still looking to be approved by them.
After one Wifey Wednesday recently, I received an email from a woman who's in a difficult situation. Here it is, in a nutshell (I'm summarizing because I don't want to give identifying details away):
She and her husband have been promised the family farm, at some date in the future. So for now, they live for free in a run-down abode on the land where her parents live in a wonderful, big, comfy farmhouse. The husband (the son-in-law) works on the farm all day. And one day they will get everything.
But this "one day" has never been spelled out. And meanwhile, the house is so tiny, and it's really pretty gross (single men with cats with incontinence issues used to have the run of the place). No matter how hard you try to clean, it's stained. And it's tiny. And there are small kids everywhere. What do you do?
She asks, "Also, any advice on how to talk to my parents about this without sounding like I feel entitled to something? Any time I mention it they tell me that they've lived in worse with more kids. The whole "I walked uphill to school both ways" speech."
Then she says: My mom is very uptight about her house. She says she's not attached to it but then in the next breath she says that she wouldn't change her life or leave even if she felt God calling her to Romania to be a missionary or something. I think that the only thing my parents owe us is some plans. We plan to work hard for the farm and don't expect it to be handed over to us. But it would just be really nice to know that we are actually working toward a goal on paper (my parents don't believe in writing down their goals/plans, though the succesion planner is making them do exactly that). As for the "started from nothing," I've mentioned to them "didn't you do that to give your kids a better life?" Or "did you like living in that house with 3 little kids?" To which the response is usually something like "we didn't have a choice."
Do you see her issue? I do. Here's a dynamic that's very common in families. The parents want to keep some sense that the children are indebted to them, and so they promise something--we will give you a house, we will give you a business, we will baby-sit for you, we will lend you money--but nothing is ever actually specified. They want to keep you on your toes, and they want to have you come to them, asking for something, so that they can still feel indispensable.
It's like the story of Jacob and Laban. Laban told Jacob that if he worked for him for 7 years, he could marry Rachel. So he worked, and got Leah. Then he was told, "just another 7 years." So he did that, too. Then Laban continued to treat Jacob as if he should somehow be indebted to his father-in-law, until God miraculously put a stop to the whole dysfunctional charade. But Laban wanted to keep Jacob there, under his thumb.
Parents don't always do this because they're mean. Often they're just insecure. You're the baby, and you're leaving, and you were their whole life. Does this mean they're not worth as much anymore? And so they continue to get their identity from you needing them. So they say they'll baby-sit, and you don't even need to worry, you go ahead and find the job, but then when you do find the job, your mother acts as if you're imposing on her, and she sighs, and says, "well, I have a life, too, you know. But I'll do it because I have to." If you had known that would have been her reaction, you would have stayed home or arranged for other childcare. But you took her at her word, and now she's making you feel guilty.
Or what about this woman from the email? She's been told she'll have the family farm, but in the meantime, the parents expect her to live in a shack and be grateful. So what's the answer?
First, we need to be clear what "leaving" means. Leaving means that your parents no longer owe you anything. You are an adult. Your father does NOT owe you the family farm (even if it has always been passed on). Your mother does NOT owe you baby-sitting, even if every other grandma you know helps with baby-sitting. Your parents do NOT owe you a downpayment, even if they've always promised it. You are an adult, and you should stand on your own two feet. Therefore, you should be completely prepared and at peace to live without any help at all.
Then, if they do offer help, and you decide you want it (it's hard to pass up a family farm), you can approach them in a better way. You can say something like this:
That is very generous of you. I so respect what you have done to build up the business, and I would be honoured to take it over. I will always be grateful for this. So can we sit down and write out what the expectations and time-lines are, so that I can plan and be responsible for my family?
If they take offense that you're asking for an end-date, or for something in writing, then you can say,
I never meant to cause offense. I do so appreciate the offer. It's just that I have to plan for my family. We have to have a clear sense of where we're going and what is required of all of us. If you can't do that, because you haven't decided yet, that is entirely your prerogative. You don't owe me anything, and I completely understand. So I'm grateful for the offer, but I'll have to decline. But if you ever do want to talk about details, I would love to still be considered.
See? What you're doing is drawing boundaries around the relationship.You're acknowledging that it's their farm--or business, or money, or time, or whatever the issue is--and you don't have a right to it. This is their generosity. But you're also saying that, as a new family, you have certain needs, too. And if they can't mesh, you'll have to decline the offer. And you must be willing to do that--decline the offer.
So many couples have lived in awful conditions, in awful accommodations, working slave hours, because of a vague understanding that "one day all this will be yours". But really the parents are just taking advantage of you or trying to control you or keep you attached to them. It's not healthy. What happens is that you get frustrated with your spouse because you don't have anything that's truly yours. And then your spouse gets frustrated at your parents, at which point you get frustrated at your spouse for being mad at your parents, even though you're mad at them, too. And the whole thing just spirals into silliness.
When it comes to parents, those two truths need to be kept in mind: once you're married, they honestly don't owe you anything. And once you're married, the welfare of your own nuclear family comes first. That can be hard to digest if your parents are wealthy. You may really want some of their things, or their business. But it isn't worth wrecking your marriage over.
Perhaps it isn't about money. Perhaps it's just your mother calling three times a day "just to talk", but really she's getting in the way of your marriage. Or perhaps your father still won't talk to your husband, except through you. These things need to end. You are to leave your parents, and build your own family.
So, with that being said, what advice would you give to this woman who does honestly want the farm, but is finding it very difficult to live in this dirty, rundown home? Or do you have another dilemma with in-laws to share with us? Let's talk in the comments, or write your own Wifey Wednesday post and add the URL in the mckliny below!
Hello ladies! This morning I've got a doozy of a topic for you: handling the in-laws at Christmas.
For some of you it's easy. Your in-laws are great and you love them. For some of you it's even easier: they live on the other side of the country! But for many of you, in-law relationships are stressful.
They come to visit (or you go to visit), and the tension fills the air. You don't do anything right. It's clear they don't like you. They spoil the kids and ignore what you say. They feed them chocolate, or tell you you shouldn't discipline them. Or they do the opposite and say that children should never make noise and why are your kids so out of control?
And your husband sits there and takes it. And you feel so alone, even though it's your family.
Maybe for you it's not that bad, but you do find that your husband is a different person with his parents than he is with everybody else. And you don't understand it.
So here are some thoughts for Christmas sanity when in-laws are involved.
1. Respect should be part of all relationships, Christian or not. You should treat your in-laws with respect, and they should treat you with respect. If they do not treat you that way, you need to speak up. Talk to your husband about it. Even talk to your mother-in-law about it. But you shouldn't be in a situation where your children see another adult talking down to you.
Someone very close to me allowed her marriage to be ruined because her parents were constantly griping about her husband's inadequacies. She did nothing to stop it, and not surprisingly, within five years they were split up. It was needless. No one should criticize you or talk down to you.
2. Draw boundaries around your time. Christmas is such a special time of the year. I think we wreck it by spending it in the car, going back and forth to all the extended family. And what is worse, each portion of the extended family wants their "own" time with us.
Consider throwing a party of your own, and saying, "anyone who wants to see us, has to come to us at this time." It will be hectic, but it's better than spending your life on the road. My mother always joins my in-laws for Christmas, so we're all one big, happy family. It works out well, and that way I don't have to make two Christmas dinners. After a while, you need to create the kind of Christmas your family wants.
And it's okay to say: this year we're not visiting anyone. Or this year, we want to have Christmas just us at our home. We'll visit you in the New Year, or you can come to us. There's nothing wrong with that.
3. You and your husband need to be on the same page. This is really the kicker, isn't it? What if he doesn't see how his mother irks you? What if he doesn't notice how his father subtly insults you? What if he thinks you're blowing things out of proportion?
Can I be a devil's advocate for a moment? Is he right? When I got married, I didn't have much in common with my in-laws. But I threw myself into the relationship, and decided to love them. And I genuinely do! Others of my sisters-in-law spent much longer getting to love them (and some still don't), and it's not entirely their fault. My mother-in-law is the type to bear a grudge.
But I just always saw past that and loved her anyway. She's my mother-in-law. Now, she's actually quite a good mother-in-law. She loves me and she's never interfered. But I have another young friend who has been married for just over a year who doesn't like her mother-in-law very much because the house is so much more formal than her own family of origin. But that doesn't matter! You have to get beyond that when you're married and just love her.
That being said, if your mother-in-law is very difficult, you have to talk to your husband about it. And ask him to draw boundaries. He is the key to your relationship, and he should be on your side. You are his wife. If he isn't, talk to him, pray about it, and just try to love your mother-in-law. But make plans so that the time you spend with them is minimized this Christmas.
Finally, I would just encourage you to decide what Christmas you want to have. Don't let in-laws and parents dictate it. If you have children, they come first. What kind of Christmas do you want for them? You don't have to live for everybody else's expectations. You can make your own.
But when you talk to your husband about it, don't attack him or his parents. Just share your feelings. And see what happens!
Please share your stories of in-laws in the comments, either to encourage others or to ask for help! I have great readers, and I'm sure many could offer another perspective that may prove very helpful!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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