Some decisions are hard to make...

But some are not. This is one of them … I’ve been under too much work these past days, and so I’ve decided to drop one subject this time around so that I can do well in the others, especially ones which are pre–requisites for ones next semester. Unfortunately, I’m dropping Mathematics I, which kills off II. I’ll have to do those, plus III next semester. Hopefully, I’d have been done with Physics and Psychology, so that I have Mechanics and Maths I, II. It’s going to become hectic, sure as hell, but I hope to be able to bare with it.

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That said, things are surely weird on pretty much every front at the moment. I am a little tired of answering to people all the time, justifying why I do something, why I like something, why I say something, why I think something … I just hate the scrutiny and the suffocation. I feel like I can’t do something without someone coming knocking on my door asking me why I did it / said it.

I’ve faced the ‘I don’t know you anymore’ for the third time now. All because of something ‘very’ small, or little changes that have happened because of situations and times. And then people have the nerve to say ‘I’m’ rigid. They cannot accept it, and don’t even ask ‘why’ that is happening. They just assume that it’s a change which they can’t stand, and start to pull away. Is that what friends mean to people these days? Casual enough to drop whenever something out of the ordinary happens?

I say that’s bullshit.

Being a bitch

I’ve been bogged down with work for the past three days. Amount of work people charge 1000 bucks an hour for — and I have that from college. It kinda sucks, and kinda blows … all at the same time. I don’t even know with what sick conscience can the college authorities put that kind of a routine upon us. Anyway …

So, I got one thing out of the way (my tech blog redesign). The second thing which I was quite enthusiastic about initially (Bunkometer) is lying in tatters. Don’t think I’ll ever finish it. Somehow I feel my energies are all depleted, and I can’t do anything but sit in one place and watch movies, or listen to songs. Can’t even rack my brains enough to try and play a game. I’d love to get out, but my friends are busy with a college fest, which gets over tomorrow, so hope to get out day after and break this monotony.

I have begun to look at ‘obsession’s in a different way these days. Obsession doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to be related. It doesn’t need to be fuel–ed. All it needs, is a trigger. It’s a twig that snaps in the brain. It’s also the same thing that causes people to go insane. Obsession is just a lesser version of insanity in my opinion. So, it’s almost the same thing there. Obsessions can lead people to do things they’d never do normally. It gets them hooked to things they’d not normally. Basically, break on normality in one’s life and focus all energies, thoughts and actions to satisfy that one obsession.

It’s funny how psychology lessons change some outlooks …

Screwing up

I hate to screw up. I hate screwing up so much, that I hate the things that might get screwed up. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything on earth that might not get screwed up. So I end up hating pretty much everything on earth. People like that are called ‘screwed up’. That makes me not like myself a whole lot, because I’m screwed up. It just forms a really irritating and irrational, unfair circle. One I’ve tried to get out of many times, but just keep going round and round and round … no coming out without being dizzy.

Some say I am too hard on myself. I say I’m messed in the head. Some say I expect too much, and hence I push. I say I expect too much, and I don’t. When I don’t achieve, I get angry. When I get angry, I (tend to) do things I shouldn’t, a.k.a, screw up. What sucks even more is that the Murphy’s law kicks in full gear, and things just begin to break down. It’s in those times that the disorientation makes me walk around in a daze, not knowing what to do. I don’t know if dependence on people is a good thing. You get hurt much more that way.

Nothing is perfect. I think we’ve managed to establish that fact really well. Trying to keep something going properly is as hard a task as you can find. You never know what someone might say or do that will throw a spanner in the works, which will wedge itself in a place where you cannot put your hand and not hurt it. I think it’s just a steaming pile of cowshit when someone says “Just be happy”. Yeah! It’s seriously much easier said than done. I can’t go a week with something not bothering me to limits which I can’t tolerate, even if people around me don’t get to know.

I got 6+2 exams due next week … in 5 days. That, and 2 assignments. Think of the amount of work that’s on my ass, which I have to get out and try to score full marks in. What is “sane” about any of this? How can ‘intelligent’ people come up with a system, which only screws around with students? I hate the system …

It just sucks man ... that’s all I can say.

Lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ‘cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue

Well my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

Satisfaction

Today I learnt a valuable lesson from a friend. I don’t think the person in question (Pratyush Jalan) even realises it … I take his name because I want to chronicle who it is rather than leave it to memory for later and forgetting it. The lesson I learnt is that the ultimate satisfaction is always gained by helping out, not by getting a cheap thrill at someone elses clueless–ness. Now, I don’t do that anyway. But some times in the past, I have. And I wish I had seen this back then… really!

The simple act of answering to the point, when asked something; not throwing any useless comments, and frustrating someone even more; and genuinely “wanting” to help out (he actually had to drop explaining to finish his own solution, and then at the end, without me asking again, asked if I got it or not, and then proceeded to explain again) is enough to make someone feel good, even if it comes out fruitless at the end.

I think this is one of the simple people courtesy that a lot of us lack. The ability to give a simple, “straight” answer. It’s very easy to be a smart ‘aleck and give someone a twisted answer that might make others around you laugh. But … it loses you respect. The person will now respect you a little lesser, and will think twice before asking you something. This has also been happening to me for the past few days, and though I stuck about, I’m beginning to re–think my judgement.

I should be the last person talking about “people–skills”, I know. But I can’t help it, going through two contrasting behaviours like this. It’s extremely heartening to see people who are willing to help, and I wish I could be like that without actually seeing it for myself, and doing it because that’s how my nature is…

Raindrops...

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin’ seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin’ on my head, they keep fallin’

So I just did me some talkin’ to the sun
And I said I didn’t like the way he got things done
Sleepin’ on the job
Those raindrops are fallin’ on my head, they keep fallin’

But there’s one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won’t defeat me
It won’t be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turnin’ red
Cryin’s not for me
‘Cause I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’
Because I’m free
Nothin’s worryin’ me

[trumpet]

It won’t be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turnin’ red
Cryin’s not for me
‘Cause I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’
Because I’m free
Nothin’s worryin’ me

Why did it end ...

We shared a minute
which lasted months
we spent them together
the happiest of my life
but now I can’t even see your eyes,
atleast, once there was love there…

We pass each other,
with nothing between us,
not even a look or a smile,
a word or a jibe,
no care or feel,
but, once there was love there…

I still like you,
wait … maybe even love you,
but what does it mean,
if you don’t see it?
I know you couldn’t care less,
but, atleast there once was love there …

I wish those days wouldn’t have passed,
I wanted to do so many things different,
I wanted to tell you what you felt like,
just next to me,
even if just in my dreams …
now, just a memory stays,
in a place, where love was there …

Now there is nothing to say,
nothing to do or feel,
the best is gone, faded away,
the worst is all that’s real,
all I feel is a deserted strain,
and there was once love there …

I am an atheist

Yep! I’m not scared to start up a debate (partly ‘cuz the comments are closed), but if there was a comparison to be made, them I’m like a catholic of atheists :P I strictly don’t believe in the concept of a God and the fact that there is a superior power looking upon us, wishing and doing all it can for our well being, and the fact that everything that is to happen in my life has been pre–decided to a certain limit, if not completely.

As it turns out, majority of the geeks are atheists. I’m a geek, and very much so. They also say that intelligent people are atheists because they rather apply their knowledge and find a tangible reason for everything happening around them than simply attribute it to a ‘God’ and pass on it. I’m not saying I’m intelligent to the level where I want to go hunting for an answer, but I surely think there is a better explanation than God for things that happen around us. As a friend once said, “For the things that can’t be explained, let them be that way … no one is forcing anyone to find out the ‘why’ for everything"

If people really think that chanting one three letter word day in and day out is going to enrich their lives, make them richer, happier, and give meaning to everything ‘them’, then I don’t think there exist greater fools than them, and even if there was a God, he/she’d (I’m not gender biased) would be laughing at them by now. What enriches your life, and gives it meaning is what you do with it, and how you polish it over a period of time with embellishments of experience and deeds.

If you screw up, blame it on yourself. If you do well, give yourself credit … as simple as that. Why do you need to look to some external being (who you have never seen or heard) for strength, when the whole concept of being a human is to gain strength from the people who love and care about you. The whole concept of a support system gets killed if you want to look at this perspective, which gives the term “self–sufficient” a whole new dimension.

Open your eyes people …

Better man

Showing oneself for what you are is probably a mistake today. Sometimes, it’s better to be hidden … it’s better to not let people know what you are like, what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, what you mean, what you’re feeling. When no one knows what you are like, you can easily “not care” about them and not let them get involved or (un)intentionally hurt you. This would also isolate your ass on earth, but hey, what doesn’t have a side-effect?

I’ve reached a simple conclusion. You might have heard it from other people … I did too, but never believed them. After all, if I started believing everything I heard, I wouldn’t be what I am today (that isn’t necessarily a good thing). Anyway, so the thing is that, “love” comes to you when you stop looking for it. Apparently.

My question to that however is, how do you know when you’re not looking for love? Do you look at a girl and think ‘What should I have for lunch today?’ Is that how? I personally look at someone of the opposite sex, and the first thought that crosses my mind is whether she has a pleasant face or an air, a balanced stance or a whatever–is–comfortable one, clothes she can carry off or wearing to look “cool” and in with her surroundings. Every little detail gives away a part of one’s personality, but only if you know what to infer out of an observation. I’ve been lately missing the mark however.

If there was a way to elevate yourself above the earth, just disappear from everywhere, without leaving a single trace of your existence … what you take it? Do you consider yourself valuable to this planet, to the people who you know (and who know you), to your surroundings? With how much certainty can you say how many people in your life actually value you? I suck at that too … and for that reason I’ve been taken in by people I shouldn’t have, and not cared enough for the people I should have. I have somehow been the worst judge of character, person, personality and actions for about 20% of the time in the past, which has magnified and still affects my daily life.

I want to change it all, and try and become a better person. One free from prejudice, hate and vengeful thoughts. I know that it’s very hard to do, and if I achieve that, I’ll reach the so–called stage of “enlightenment”. I evidently don’t believe in that, but I do believe that achieving something of that nature will make me a person more at peace with things around him. I’ll be able to not dwell in so much of theory, and apply myself even more practically.

I somehow hear a tiny voice in my head jeering “High Hopes!”