Screwing up

I hate to screw up. I hate screwing up so much, that I hate the things that might get screwed up. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything on earth that might not get screwed up. So I end up hating pretty much everything on earth. People like that are called ‘screwed up’. That makes me not like myself a whole lot, because I’m screwed up. It just forms a really irritating and irrational, unfair circle. One I’ve tried to get out of many times, but just keep going round and round and round … no coming out without being dizzy.

Some say I am too hard on myself. I say I’m messed in the head. Some say I expect too much, and hence I push. I say I expect too much, and I don’t. When I don’t achieve, I get angry. When I get angry, I (tend to) do things I shouldn’t, a.k.a, screw up. What sucks even more is that the Murphy’s law kicks in full gear, and things just begin to break down. It’s in those times that the disorientation makes me walk around in a daze, not knowing what to do. I don’t know if dependence on people is a good thing. You get hurt much more that way.

Nothing is perfect. I think we’ve managed to establish that fact really well. Trying to keep something going properly is as hard a task as you can find. You never know what someone might say or do that will throw a spanner in the works, which will wedge itself in a place where you cannot put your hand and not hurt it. I think it’s just a steaming pile of cowshit when someone says “Just be happy”. Yeah! It’s seriously much easier said than done. I can’t go a week with something not bothering me to limits which I can’t tolerate, even if people around me don’t get to know.

I got 6+2 exams due next week … in 5 days. That, and 2 assignments. Think of the amount of work that’s on my ass, which I have to get out and try to score full marks in. What is “sane” about any of this? How can ‘intelligent’ people come up with a system, which only screws around with students? I hate the system …

It just sucks man ... that’s all I can say.