Why did it end ...

We shared a minute
which lasted months
we spent them together
the happiest of my life
but now I can’t even see your eyes,
atleast, once there was love there…

We pass each other,
with nothing between us,
not even a look or a smile,
a word or a jibe,
no care or feel,
but, once there was love there…

I still like you,
wait … maybe even love you,
but what does it mean,
if you don’t see it?
I know you couldn’t care less,
but, atleast there once was love there …

I wish those days wouldn’t have passed,
I wanted to do so many things different,
I wanted to tell you what you felt like,
just next to me,
even if just in my dreams …
now, just a memory stays,
in a place, where love was there …

Now there is nothing to say,
nothing to do or feel,
the best is gone, faded away,
the worst is all that’s real,
all I feel is a deserted strain,
and there was once love there …

Who controls the past now, controls the future

…I just love that song!

Sometimes I want to go back to Summer school, Australia, and just relive those 2 weeks all over again. I wish to be there among all the nice people I got to know, enjoy music, the Apples (the computers, not the fruits), the weather, the gardens, the JCR, the piano … Don’t even get me started on Ace High! :(

It's strangely warm to just live in the past. I’ve said that I try to live in the moment, but the more I try to believe that, the harder it seems to get for me to do that. The urge to want to change things I did back then, to shape an alternate present and future, an alternate me, is too tempting.

Now, I’ve just about reached another stability point with the people in college, and am glad. I hope not to jinx it though. Sometimes, it is good when nothing is happening and things are just lying stagnant. You get some breathing room and time, to think about what has gone and what is going to come. To brood and repent, and plan and motivate. To work up a determination.

... I’d gladly choose to sleep over it!

Who will cry when you die?

We walk in and out of people's lives all the time. Living our meaningless/ful existences, we don't realise how and when we might affect someone else's life enough to change a part, or maybe the whole of it. Hopefully, some of these changes are for the good. There is no one who has seen nothing but misery in their lives, or someone who has only seen happiness. It's what you choose to remember about it that makes a difference.

Today, I find it not odd that there is no-one to ask me where I am, or how I am doing except my parents. Being away from home, that doesn't work out too well either. But I know that I've made situations for myself this way, and that I don't 'try' to help it. I am 'so' not a people's person, or even remotely social. Even though I step out these days sometimes, that still doesn't mean things change. It's hard to change someone's nature, especially when you don't know them. I guess 'care' is a secondary factor here...

Some of the best things that happen to you almost always have a negative beginning... or a -ve end. Either way, you're not to happy at some point of time, until you begin to see what good it did for you. But, is this the other way around? Are you happy at the beginning or end of something relatively bad? I have been happy, but wasn't by the end of something like this. I'm just generally not a happy person I guess. It's the whole thing related to introvertedness. I have a list of characteristics that psychologists attribute to that behaviour. Such cold hearted methodical machines they are ... not understanding the problem of every individual as a different and unique problem. They treat everyone as the same.

Such broken thoughts on a Saturday morning when I should be in college. Sheesh ...

Crosses the lonely mind

Sometimes I wonder, what right does someone have to hurt someone else. What right does someone have to make someone else unhappy. There is no 'not knowing' or unintentional. Why isn't something 'good' done unintentionally? How does this figure into the always holding balance of things to be, and things that are? How can someone cause so much pain without even knowing that they're responsible for it? How can one person be killing another person everyday without even knowing they are dying.

There is never a mistake. There is a first time of doing something wrong, which can be forgiven. There is never any appreciation. There is a first time of admiration. There is never any loathing. There is a first time of hate. There is never any jealousy. There is a first time of envy. There are never any friends ... there is an endless trail of people who come and go. There is never love. There is a first time of closeness.

There is a surreal feeling that drives the madness behind every human or inhuman act. A memory, a person, an object, a situation, a determination, a hate, an envy, a love ... each of these or one of these, can take a bizarre shape which drives people to do something. And always one of these things it is. For without a reason, there is no cause, and without cause, there is nothing.

As I sit here listening to a lonely piano play in the back, the tumultuous memories and feelings rush back of the days gone by, and how I'd like nothing more than to be cocooned in the warmness of the past memories, the sunlight on the steps leading up to the world that I left behind to come to a cold and unforgiving new road through the bright and shiny gold gates of false promises. There is nothing more inviting than to pull my head between my hands, curl up in a ball of self satisfying comfort, and just cry. Cry not to the world, cry not to me. Cry not to any other person, and cry not to anything that can understand. I look for no sympathy, and I ask for none. I want none. I want my sanity. I want to be loved. I want to be hugged. I want to be heard. I want to be spoken to. I want to be appreciated. I want to be made to feel special. I want to be me ...

The good time

Why I remembered this, I don't know. What I achieved? No clue! I just know that this happened about 2 years back, and it still puts a smile on my face whenever I think about it, even if not that clearly. I remembered this today morning, trying to sleep at 5:30 AM ... Yep! I seriously need some sleep! Any ways....

During our 2 week stay at Melbourne, we had gone to the city once to just have a look around and shop for things to take home. We went bananas the whole day, and came back pretty late in the evening. Way past dinner time (which used to be at 6 PM, so...). While there, it was common to see individual groups walking along with the random burst of laughter every now and then. Udit and I used to pretty much go in and out of different groups, him being the outgoing get-along-with-everyone type, and I being the don't-want-to-be-alone-to-I'll-tag-along type (at that time). When this happened, we were in pretty illustrious company of girls who were considered the 'it' girls (the ones all guys drooled over). That has nothing to do with this however.

We were just talking about stuff, and for some reason I started singing. I don't remember the exact reason, but the song was 'Pal'. For one of the few times, I wasn't conscious or nervous. I just started singing (I'm sure there'd have been a reason, damn it escapes me now), and suddenly I felt the night becoming quiet, with just my voice to show the existence of people. I could feel huddling closer to listen to me sing, and I started getting a little jittery, but I continued in the flow of the song. I forgot a few words, but I still continued (angrez hain, unko kya samajh aayega!)

By the time the song ended, we had reached campus. A lot of people came and told me I sang really well, and Bridget (Udit's first love) came and told me she could feel the love in my voice (whatever that meant)... It sure felt nice :)

That was a good good evening....