The Notebook~*

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[the parts highlighted in white are unintentional. The whole formatting thingy is downright annoying.]

While I was rummaging through my stuff searching for something, I came across my very cherished notebook of personal notes that I'd left for myself (apart from that, I also have a diary).
It all started way back in year 2002, after my very first encounter with 'the cruel reality'.


Illegible scribbles (only in pencil).
Nevertheless, each word was written with naked honesty and unconcealed emotions...


Some entries were dated, while others were just written with big, peculiar titles smacked on the top of the page.


The last entry was written in year 2008 (because I've used up the book and didn't bother to get a new one).


And the most amazing thing of all is that everything is written in Chinese, except for the titles, which are all in English. A rather eccentric behaviour.
I guess initially it was because my English was atrocious and hence I felt more comfortable writing in my mother tongue.
Then, slowly, it became a habit.


Picked out a few phrases which I found rather meaningful (to me, at least) and decided to write them down here, lest I lose this notebook in future (very, very likely).


For people who just cannot stand to read Chinese words, please skip the rest of the entry.
To be honest, while I remember most of the entries and the motivation/message behind them, there are some that I've genuinely forgotten.


They are generally about the awkwardness of adolescence 
and the little intrapersonal monologues that I have with myself - questioning life, questioning myself and my directions in life and of course, the struggles with my family, which is a dominant theme throughout my notes (and my adolescence as well). 


I had a good laugh when I read the things I wrote in the past.
The tone, the egocentrism, as well as the extremely pessimistic view about the world... and I was only 13.




1. I've decided to skip those written in year 2002 because they are just too embarrassing.


2.
"为什么要笑？
为什么要在你的面前装乖巧？


何时才能放声大哭？
何时才能破口大骂？


我正在
寻找自己的世界
我正在
坚强的走下去。”
- dated year 2003
Apparently after some sort of show-down with my family.


3.
“不想被别人推挤，
想能自己走出一片天空。


从来不想成为别人的东西，
想真正属于自己。


从来不想成为别人的东西，
想真正属于自己。"
- dated year 2003
Again, over my family.

4.
“往往在你身边最亲的人
就是最能让你心碎的人。
所以说人都渴望去相信
但是却让信赖换取眼泪。”
- dated year 2004
AND AGAIN.

5.
“哭过的眼睛看世界更清楚
痛过的心感觉人性更清楚。”
- dated year 2004

6.
"有些事情是捉摸不了的。

还是让一切随我
大胆的安排。”
- dated year 2004

7.
"曾经以为自己拥有自己，
说什么都重要。
后来才发现时间不会为我而停。
一切都无所谓了。”
- dated year 2005


8.
"从以前到现在
都想得到大家的认同。
却不知道
寂寞与无助也伴着它。”
- dated year 2005

9.
"不知不觉已不知道自己
是否已成为这社会的受害者。
好无奈。”
- dated year 2007
About life.


10.
“现在这时代有我的存在吗？

似是存在，似是虚幻。
有如微不足道，却又令人印象深刻。
想奋斗到底，却又停滞不前。
又想留下，又想逃离。”
- aptly titled 'Paradox', year 2007


11. LAST ENTRY
"我绝对不会让你知道我赤裸的感情，
因为这对仍何人都没帮助。
泪水，也只能让自己难以微笑。
或许吧。


请告诉我，我所寻找的东西是否与你在寻找的东西一样呢？\


不想表现出来自己脆弱的一面。


如果诚心祈求，过去的一切是否能被原谅？


在这世界上，我们都是孤独的旅人。
孤独一个人，
或许没那么困难。”
- dated 2008


Now, nearly a decade after the first time I penned my thoughts down in pencil, with eyes brimming with tears (december 2002),
I want to give that girl a pat on a shoulder and say, "Hey, don't cry anymore. You will make it through those difficult times."


I know I'm being quite honest and exposed in this entry,
but I just had that sudden urge to document my naivety and thoughts about those days which were filled with fluctuating emotions and incomprehensible occurrences.


The bittersweet period of my life - exciting, painful... full of anticipation and dread.
confronted with many paradoxes about life. 

Remember when I said I want to record some stuff down in case I lose my notebook?
you might ask why I wouldn't keep it somewhere safe and secure since it's so significant to me.
My reply would simply be, maybe, all I want to do is to keep them safely locked up in a corner of my heart.


Words,
might not be necessary.