Love story~*

*Edit: Live version is so much nicer! :) And this is such a bittersweet song. (Anyway, the english part of the subs are wrong. It should be 'Cos life's no love story')

You know something's not quite right when I start gushing on and on about Namie Amuro instead of Ayu.

 

Love Story

I already knew from an early age
That I’m no good at love stories
A heroine set aflame by love
Endless girl talk
Trading silly gossips
I always wanted to slip away

Now I’m grown
I’ve obtained the things I wanted
But I know that in exchange
I can’t obtain your smile and eternal love, baby

I love you more than anyone
But I’m walking on the path I’ve chosen
I’ll continue loving you even after being reborn
But we can’t be together anymore
Because life’s no love story

There isn’t a day where
I don’t wish to sleep in your arms
Like a child
Come to think of it
How long has it been since I’ve cried?
But it’s too late to change things now

You know that I’m grown
I’ve obtained the things I wanted
But I know that in exchange
I let go of your smile and kindness, baby

Whoever I’ll be looking at
Whoever I’ll be spending my time with
I know I will never be able to forget you
I’ll continue loving you inside my heart
But we can’t be together anymore
Because life’s no love story

Though I knew that we would eventually part ways
I am grateful for the miracle of having met you
Those irreplaceable days, the regrets, the pains
And even the sadness will shine, yes, someday

I love you more than anyone
But I’m walking on the path I’ve chosen
I’ll continue loving you even after being reborn
But we can’t be together anymore
Because life’s no love story

- Namie Amuro 'Love Story'

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I paid Denise a visit~*

Strange.
Rather peculiar thoughts would somehow infiltrate my mind when it's getting late at night.

Why so wistful/sentimental...?
Maybe it's because of the conversation I had with yy.

What is it like to love someone and then not love that someone?
Or to phrase it differently, is it possible to love someone and then not love that someone?

To be honest, my reply would be 'NO.'

If you have loved with all your heart, it's not possible to simply not love that someone...
Rather, 'love' has just taken a different form altogether.

Instead of the romantic love, it has made a turn for the kind of friendship love that... well, is the kind of pleasant, saccharine, tranquil kind of feeling...

Yet, why is it that some ex-lovers just cannot become friends?

The reason is simple:
Either the past still haunts
OR the relationship didn't end amicably.

Either one just poses as a barrier to any path towards forming a friendship.

I don't know why, but suddenly, it just saddens me that for some reason, we could have been great friends but we are not. 
I made many wrong decisions and there are many times when I truly felt like smacking myself. 
My close friends know that I always put up a brave front and pretend that I am strong enough to move on.
But truth is, I often reflect and I know I hadn't handled situations well;
I've hurt you and was hurt in return. 


Oftentimes I wish we could still be updating each other on our lives and still be able to laugh simultaneously at all the hilarious things (The Nanny, The Simpsons etc...)... share our likes (Murakami, Shimokawa etc) and dislikes... 
But I guess, to become good friends again, that's just wishful thinking on my part.


I reckon you'll never ever read this but if you do, I just want to wish you happiness.
Be happy with your loved ones, for they are able to do what I couldn't do for you. 

Best thing about travelling...~*

Is being able to explore and have fun with the people you want to be with. 

It makes the whole trip worthwhile and memorable. 

Although hiccups may occur and unexpected circumstances may arise, after some time, all these will fade and gradually become insignificant (you might even laugh about it)... but not the delightful moments. 

That's why people often say that 'it's the company that matters' and I can't agree more.

Moving on from travelling to just...hanging out, in general, 

it's not about where the place is, what you guys do or eat, how many photos you guys take together, how much money is being spent... it's about who you are with.

You can be in all the awesome places, doing all the exciting things, spending lots on shopping and eating... 

but that doesn't work if you're being with the wrong people. 

On the contrary, just sitting around and doing nothing with the right people can be enjoyable (ok, for me, at least). 

Okay, more updates about my hong kong trip soon (with pictures, karen)! :)

It was a great - albeit short - trip. 

Like I said, the company matters :) 

22~*

22nd.
What does that mean?

It simply means that I'm going to try harder, work harder, smile more, be more grateful and learn to be satisfied with what I'm blessed with.

Trying, being. :)

Note: I will be away in HK till 20th July.
Right. Now, I need to get some sleep (waking up in 4 hours' time).

The Notebook~*

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[the parts highlighted in white are unintentional. The whole formatting thingy is downright annoying.]

While I was rummaging through my stuff searching for something, I came across my very cherished notebook of personal notes that I'd left for myself (apart from that, I also have a diary).
It all started way back in year 2002, after my very first encounter with 'the cruel reality'.


Illegible scribbles (only in pencil).
Nevertheless, each word was written with naked honesty and unconcealed emotions...


Some entries were dated, while others were just written with big, peculiar titles smacked on the top of the page.


The last entry was written in year 2008 (because I've used up the book and didn't bother to get a new one).


And the most amazing thing of all is that everything is written in Chinese, except for the titles, which are all in English. A rather eccentric behaviour.
I guess initially it was because my English was atrocious and hence I felt more comfortable writing in my mother tongue.
Then, slowly, it became a habit.


Picked out a few phrases which I found rather meaningful (to me, at least) and decided to write them down here, lest I lose this notebook in future (very, very likely).


For people who just cannot stand to read Chinese words, please skip the rest of the entry.
To be honest, while I remember most of the entries and the motivation/message behind them, there are some that I've genuinely forgotten.


They are generally about the awkwardness of adolescence 
and the little intrapersonal monologues that I have with myself - questioning life, questioning myself and my directions in life and of course, the struggles with my family, which is a dominant theme throughout my notes (and my adolescence as well). 


I had a good laugh when I read the things I wrote in the past.
The tone, the egocentrism, as well as the extremely pessimistic view about the world... and I was only 13.




1. I've decided to skip those written in year 2002 because they are just too embarrassing.


2.
"为什么要笑？
为什么要在你的面前装乖巧？


何时才能放声大哭？
何时才能破口大骂？


我正在
寻找自己的世界
我正在
坚强的走下去。”
- dated year 2003
Apparently after some sort of show-down with my family.


3.
“不想被别人推挤，
想能自己走出一片天空。


从来不想成为别人的东西，
想真正属于自己。


从来不想成为别人的东西，
想真正属于自己。"
- dated year 2003
Again, over my family.

4.
“往往在你身边最亲的人
就是最能让你心碎的人。
所以说人都渴望去相信
但是却让信赖换取眼泪。”
- dated year 2004
AND AGAIN.

5.
“哭过的眼睛看世界更清楚
痛过的心感觉人性更清楚。”
- dated year 2004

6.
"有些事情是捉摸不了的。

还是让一切随我
大胆的安排。”
- dated year 2004

7.
"曾经以为自己拥有自己，
说什么都重要。
后来才发现时间不会为我而停。
一切都无所谓了。”
- dated year 2005


8.
"从以前到现在
都想得到大家的认同。
却不知道
寂寞与无助也伴着它。”
- dated year 2005

9.
"不知不觉已不知道自己
是否已成为这社会的受害者。
好无奈。”
- dated year 2007
About life.


10.
“现在这时代有我的存在吗？

似是存在，似是虚幻。
有如微不足道，却又令人印象深刻。
想奋斗到底，却又停滞不前。
又想留下，又想逃离。”
- aptly titled 'Paradox', year 2007


11. LAST ENTRY
"我绝对不会让你知道我赤裸的感情，
因为这对仍何人都没帮助。
泪水，也只能让自己难以微笑。
或许吧。


请告诉我，我所寻找的东西是否与你在寻找的东西一样呢？\


不想表现出来自己脆弱的一面。


如果诚心祈求，过去的一切是否能被原谅？


在这世界上，我们都是孤独的旅人。
孤独一个人，
或许没那么困难。”
- dated 2008


Now, nearly a decade after the first time I penned my thoughts down in pencil, with eyes brimming with tears (december 2002),
I want to give that girl a pat on a shoulder and say, "Hey, don't cry anymore. You will make it through those difficult times."


I know I'm being quite honest and exposed in this entry,
but I just had that sudden urge to document my naivety and thoughts about those days which were filled with fluctuating emotions and incomprehensible occurrences.


The bittersweet period of my life - exciting, painful... full of anticipation and dread.
confronted with many paradoxes about life. 

Remember when I said I want to record some stuff down in case I lose my notebook?
you might ask why I wouldn't keep it somewhere safe and secure since it's so significant to me.
My reply would simply be, maybe, all I want to do is to keep them safely locked up in a corner of my heart.


Words,
might not be necessary.

Noah's Ark~*

I know I'm slow to post this.
Anyway, after watching it on MTV channel many months back, I kind of half fell in love with it.
After singing it with the girls at TH a few days ago, I kind of fully fell in love with it.

Maybe at that moment when I first heard it, I hadn't taken the effort to fully understand the lyrics.
Now that I have, it makes the song all the more beautiful.
Towards the end of the song, I've got goosebumps all over.

If,
if 20/12/2012 really marks the end of the world, 
what would you do on that very fateful day...? 


 

再见 草莓甜甜圈 街角咖啡店 落下雨点

再见 黑白老照片 回忆电影院 埋进地面

再见 我们初识的那个公园 那天是谁先吻了谁 被谁遗忘的秋千

再见 那麼多名车名表名鞋 最后我们只能带走 名为回忆的花园

如果要告别 如果今夜就要和一切告别 

如果你只能打一通电话 你会拨给谁

晚安 鹦鹉和孔雀 花豹和人类 望著海面 

晚安 底片和唱片 沉浮在浪间 就像诗篇 

晚安 自由女神漂到华尔街 我们在甲板上摸到杜拜塔顶的塔尖 

晚安 海豚跃出西藏的屋檐 原来幻想中的这天会比幻想更唯美

还是要告别 还是放弃海拔以下的世界 

你会装进什麼回忆纪念 在行李里面 

终於要告别 终於没有更多的明天要追 

你有什麼遗憾依然残缺 还没有完美 

当彗星燃烧天边 陨石像雨点 

当辐射比阳光还要炽烈 

让爱变得浓烈 当每段命运 更加壮烈 

当永远变成一种遥远 

当句点变成一种观点 

让人类终於变成同类

勇敢的告别 

勇敢地向过去和未来告别 

告别每段血缘身分地位 聪明或愚昧 

最后的告别 

最后一个心愿是学会高飞 飞在不存在的高山草原 星空和蓝天 

让 诺亚方舟 航向了 海平线 

让 诺亚方舟 航向了 换日线 

让 诺亚方舟 航向了 天际线 

让 诺亚方舟 航向了 无限

Updates~*

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A geek through and through.

1. 

I'm finishing '1Q84' by Murakami Haruki and I need to stop myself (good stuff should be savoured slowly).

So, I'm currently also reading 'Goodbye Tsugumi' by Banana Yoshimoto (captivating right from the start) and 'The Good Sister' by Drusilla Campbell. 

Just finished 'While I'm Failling' by Laura Moriarty (a very so-so novel, imo)

Yes, I love reading and I can easily spend most of the day/night absorbed in my novels. 

In a way, it's a good thing since that makes me a rather 'low maintenance' person.

Just hand me a novel (something that interests me, of course) and it can keep me occupied for a rather long time. 

Am I wasting my youth (if any) away by curling up at home and not going out to interact with the rest of the world?

maybe. 

But what if I enjoy doing that? 

am I missing out a lot..?

2. 

Seeing many graduation photos flooding fb makes me feel both happy and sad.

happy for them; sad for myself.

While they're officially free from overwhelming piles of assignments, texts, readings and (the horrifying) exams, I still need to slog for another year.........

How should I put it...

To be honest, I'm feeling rather insecure about my honours year.

Yes, I'm glad to have secured a supervisor for my thesis but still, the rest of the modules scare me (the module descriptions are like greek). 

I'll just be focused on trying to maintain my CAP/prevent it from dropping too much. 

Not even trying to pull it up or what (that's impossible).

But yeah, there's just something about the classes being seminar-style that worries me. 

I'm not a very vocal person (in class, at least) and seminar-style classes = you need to OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SPEAK UP. 

I don't know if I'm just being overly paranoid but I do feel that whenever I speak up in class, I sound like an idiot. 

maybe it would be useful if I DON'T STAY AT HOME SO OFTEN (refer to point 1) AND MINGLE WITH PEOPLE MORE. 

3. 

I'm beginning to have headaches that feel nothing like the previous headaches I've had.

Hmm... I think I should really get a hair-dryer. 

4.

"Jas, your birthday is coming soon!"

As I get older, birthdays start to lose its inherent excitement.

And I'm not an exciting person to begin with. 

But still, when I was younger, I would start anticipating the gifts that my parents would get for me; the big treats that we'll be having etc. 

And now, it's no longer that exciting anymore.

Keep it simple.

Yeah, just spending time with the people you want to spend time with... I think that's really enough :)

No need for big parties (and you don't really talk to half the people) and extravagant gifts (I'm not that kind of 'must-get-luxury-goods' girls). 

So yeah, just being remembered is good enough.

5. 

Excited about the upcoming hongkong trip! :)

My ultimate wish is still for the whole family to go on a trip together... and I wonder if that's possible. 

6. 

Muscle ache from badminton with the bins. 

I feel so OLD. 

badminton! :)
(awkward smile again)

7.
Is it true that it's impossible to have 'everything'?
what is 'everything' anyway...?

caught offguard

awesome song to accompany you through the night.

Love myself more~*

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"... and that's all I need you to do," he said.


While this is a relatively easy task for most people, why is it not the case for me?
I wonder what happened along the way... what started it, what aggravated it.

If I were me, I'd hate me for hating me.
hmm...

I will try. I must try.
to stop being such a pain in the ass and become someone stronger, more optimistic and confident...
Most importantly, ACTIONS must accompany those words.


on a sidenote, some observant people have already understood the motivation behind my thesis research topic.
on another sidenote, I'm very grateful to Prof S for being such a great source of encouragement... and of course, I'm so happy that XL got accepted by him as well! :):):) So for now, it's the two of us sharing him between us hahaha.

Give me a sign~*

If even the smallest of lights glows in our hearts,

we swore to treasure it

The signs that come from all those things we come across,

we won't miss a single one ever again

Let's live our lives this way.

We still have time left

I laughed a bit, and said, "we must treasure it"

The gestures you show me; 

Signs you gave me to make me strong

I won't overlook a single one ever again

I'll live my life this way

that's what I'm thinking.

- 'Sign' by Mr Children

Went back to watch 'Orange Days' and this is the theme song of the drama.

The story circles around the lives of 5 university friends (one of them is a deaf girl).

Future, studies, friendship, family, love, hope, laughter, tears... 

things that you and I can easily relate to. 

Anyway, this song has always been strangely touching to me.

And now, it holds an even greater significance.

On a random note, it makes me even more keen to learn sign language! (but will I ever have the chance to communicate in it?)

Tomorrow is the first meeting with Prof Sim! 

Feeling jittery!!! 

Just the beginning~*

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On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

(One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye)

- 'Le Petit Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Upon finishing the book, this line got deeply carved into my mind. 

It's going to be something I'll recite to myself when... the need arises.

Anyway, yesterday I had a sense of what the old saying 'money can't buy you happiness' means.
For example, the delight (mixed with relief) of knowing that you've finally found a prof who read through the thesis proposal which you painstakingly wrote and is willing to supervise your honours thesis is indescribable.

that kind of sheer happiness is not something you can derive from monetary gains.

Well, of course securing a supervisor (THANK YOU PROF SIM) is just the beginning.
The rest of the journey is going to be an uphill slope leading to... somewhere, I believe.
Mixed, mixed feelings.
Nevertheless, above all, it's the feeling of gratefulness and determination.

And just like someone told me, the long wait is worth it and I mustn't complain.
Tough and stressful as the work may be, the days ahead may be, I chose this route and I will follow it through.

I believe~*

NOSTALGIC.