Dare to love~*

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That's where big hearts come in.

To have space for love to seep through. 

I don't know what you think of this entity called 'love',
but in my opinion, that's one of the basic elements essential to life.

if you don't know how to love, then you probably haven't truly lived.
(love takes all forms, not necessary the romantic love that comes to mind first)

In many ways, I consider myself to be blessed... because of the occurrences in my life and the people who share my life with me.
Well, of course life is NEVER a bed of roses (documented by 23476129873562 posts lamenting about life.......) but still, there are still many more things to feel grateful for.

Because my life could have been a whole lot worse than it is now.

Oftentimes I try to imagine life without the significant people in them.
and the pain is so great, it feels almost real and physical.

which is why I know I need to be appreciative because the cruel fact is - nothing lasts forever.

So, dare to love, before it's too late.

Love is a very, very beautiful entity. 
Till today, I still can't provide a very accurate definition and description of what it feels like to love.
but I'm sure deep down, you all have experienced it before.
and of course, the happiness of being loved...

so tell me, what are the truly important things in life...? 

I wish I can have more moments like this - moments when I slow down and take in all that are worth appreciating in my life... the people, the happy episodes... all the tangible and intangible.
makes you feel all warmed up inside, doesn't it?

Updates~*

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I can't help but smile whenever I see this gif hahaha.

Must love cats :)

1. BEATLES LOVE

It's crazy, but The Beatles has been on the loop for the entire day.
(And 'Penny Lane' has been stuck in my mind for quite some time)
Found this awesome playlist of The Beatles' love songs (at the end of the entry)





Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the blue suburban skies...
Penny Lane.
- 'Penny Lane' by The Beatles 


on the loooooooooop. it's such a happy song! :)




2. GOODBYE TODDLERS

I received a very pretty and dainty necklace from Teacher M from MFS on my last day of work there. :)

"I hope you will remember us!"

I will.

To me, the necklace is more than just a necklace.
It is significant to me because somehow, looking at it reminds me of all that I've experienced there.
the love for the children, the lessons I learnt, the people I met, the incidents I witnessed... and many, many more realizations.

I will try hard to remember only the good.
Memories of the lovely smiles of the toddlers and tight hugs from them :)

This morning, I also received a very heartwarming text from Principal M (right after she touched down! aww...) :)


Some people work for the pay; some for the prestige; some for the sake of having something notable recorded in the resume...

when I started working in the childcare sector last year during my sem break, I went in with an open mind, eagerly absorbing and learning.
It was definitely difficult at first (strongly NOT recommended for cleanliness freaks, people with little patience/bad temper)
But at the end of the whole working experience, it felt worthwhile and rewarding...
which is why I decided to return to work in the childcare sector again a year later (a different centre though).

This time, it was tougher and there were several hiccups here and there.
But precisely because it wasn't easy, the lessons you bring back with you are much more valuable; you learn so much more.

Whenever I tell people I'm taking up this temporary job, people would look at me as if I were insane and then smile sympathetically when I describe a day's work to them.
The pay may not exactly be attractive; the working conditions may not be the best; the job scope may not be acceptable for some, but still, to me, I find myself attracted to this job.

I never considered myself to be a very child-loving person.
In fact, I didn't even know how to use motherese and play peek-a-boo.
But when I was assigned to assist the toddlers' class a year ago (again a year later), I had to take a deep breath and just do it.
A year ago, I was seemingly a blank slate - with absolutely NO IDEA how to handle or even carry a baby.
but this time round, I felt much more confident handling them.

The thing is, gradually, I've come to love children.
And I've also come to realize the hardship of parenting.

Honestly speaking, if I were to choose between a desk-bound job (and face the computer every day) and this (which involves so much physical strength and energy), I would probably choose the latter.
It's not so much about the 'excitement' of the job itself but rather, the reward of it - trust, regard and (perhaps) love from the children.


Trust me, the reward of making wailing toddlers laugh and being hugged by them is priceless. :)

3. NOT QUITE THERE... YET

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Very, very apt for my previous point on my work experience as well as for the challenges that lie ahead. 

I'm still not mentally and psychologically strong enough. 

one thing is, learning to brace myself for yet another possible rejection.......................

and not that mature yet, either.

4. BROTHERS & SISTERS

Had a gathering with Z's buddies and another one with sis' bridesmaids.
I remember telling Z how I usually behave during these social events.
It's quite hilarious actually, because I can already kind of anticipate the stuff I'll say when I make small talks with others.

"Is that... hypocrisy of some sort?"
"No, that's just politeness."

I guess, in a way, it makes sense.
Nobody enters a room full of people with a BLACK face and lips set in a tight, straight line and be completely silent throughout the whole event yeah?
That's just... impolite, I suppose.

But there are times when I itch to be more jasmine-ish.

and I'm very, very glad I can pretty much be myself with the bridesmaids :)


5. COUNTING DOWN.

To be honest, no words are apt enough to describe the relationship between my sis and I.
I will probably launch into a long essay about the complexity of our relationship.

there are times when I feel like screaming but the bottom line is, I do love her very, very much.

the height difference is TOTALLY INACCURATE.

I might just cry during her wedding hahahahaha. 

DO LISTEN TO IT. IT'S AN AMAZING PLAYLIST :D

All That Jazz - Meguru Kisetsu~*

twirl and swirl.
laugh and dance away.
under the night sky.

just imagine. :)

A mess~*

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Headache, headache, headache, headache.

Decided to take a breather from working on my thesis proposal (which apparently is an entangled mess of concepts, ideas and hypotheses... an absolute horror that I can't even bear to look at...)

Maybe it's because I'm placing all hopes on this proposal.
Maybe it's because deep down, I know my heart can't take that painful rejection.
Maybe... I'm just hinging my fragile self-esteem on this nightmarish proposal.

Whatever it is, it looks bad.
And judging from the amount of time I have left before submission, I'm pretty much doomed...

I guess I really need to get my thoughts back together and F O C U S.
Woke up at an ungodly hour to work on it (my thinking is more lucid in the morning) and after a few hours of mind-boggling research, I want to raise a white flag.


This reminds me of stuff about people.
the deeper you delve into them, the more confusing and disconnected things become.
and soon, you'll wonder if you know that person at all.


It's not even noon yet.
But I already feel utterly drained and exhausted, as if an entire day has passed.


something random,
whenever I listen to the praises from the teachers and principal at the childcare centre, I don't know how to react.
to them, I am like ______.
but to me, I am like ______.
that's when I realize I am one well-guarded castle and hardly anyone has access to the deepest corner of it.

anyway, the principal and I both share immense joy from reading Torey Hayden. :)


another random thing,
I still need to master the art of handling social situations.
I may appear calm, composed and friendly, I am actually screaming inside.

OKAY. BACK TO WORK.

WAKE UP~*

makes my pulse race.
wake up!

you know you are really exhausted when you can space out amidst hordes of wailing children who dash everywhere near lightning speed, while holding a sweating, crying child in your arms.

and when you can doze off right in the middle of brainstorming research ideas for thesis proposal.

time to buck up, jasmine!

the bitter truth~*

The family is a haven in a heartless world.

- Christopher Lasch

If that's true,

how come I can't seem to experience the warmth when I return home?

Relationships that were painstakingly built, protected, nurtured and mended 

have, unfortunately, 

collapsed and shattered...

To think I was telling myself to learn to be grateful and cherish my family.

That was then... 

such a fleeting and temporal period of happiness, 

on hindsight. 

Now, what's there to cherish and hold on to?

Have you eaten an apple crumble before?

The pastry bits crumble and fall when you dig your fork into it. 

that's how pathetically weak this 'family' is. 

Everybody's leading their own individual lives.

Absolutely no reason to get together; no need for sharing; no sense of tolerance; not an ounce of happiness when we are physically in the same space.

If that's called a 'family', then the 'family' is where I want to escape from 

the most.