It's only when I stopped that I realized I've been moving too fast...~*

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I don't think I breathed.

It's only when I let out my breath  that I realize I've been holding it all the while. 

Exhausted is an understatement.

Tests after tests,

rushing from CGC to school and back home to study for tests,

sleeping late and waking up SUPER early (before 6am) to finish studying the immense amount of content... 

Cramming during train rides...

and random stuff here and there... 

I really don't think I stopped to breathe. 

and what's worse,

the tests were horrendous. 

my memory traces are so weak. 

so freaking weak. 

This has been a crazy week. (technically, it's not over yet since there's still tomorrow before weekends come) 

Lab presentation tomorrow, personality test next week, loads of e-learning stuff for my einstein mod, pediatric psych term paper (not started) due soon, lab data collection starting...

and on top of them all, my internship. 

Don't you think I'm just accelerating my ageing process??

and I'm just trying to test my limit of sanity. 

I told Mabel I can't wait to meet my "anti-matter" in the parallel universe...........

Can I really go on like this?

on a side note, I've come to realize that I frown very very often these days. It's only when I look up from what I'm doing (during lecture, at my desk etc) that I realize I've been frowning all the while.

I want to plug in and listening to all the lounge/easy-listening/chill-out music that's flooding my playlist. 

I want to shut myself from the insanely long to-do list.

I want to escape.

I want to admit defeat. 

I want to cry.

But I'm so, so, thoroughly numbed.

So vacant that there's nothing, absolutely nothing left to say or do. 

And perhaps, somewhere inside, I just want to stubbornly continue doing what I'm doing, even if it's killing me slowly. 

jasmine, what are you trying to do to yourself?

I don't know what I'm doing. 

If you have the answer, let me know.

It's only when I stopped that I realized I've been moving too fast..

so, so dead~*

I need to take a breather.

The massive amount of information that I need to get into my poor brain is really overwhelming. (My poor poor cerebral cortex...)

It feels like finals when it's just mid-terms. And for having multiple tests crammed together is just like, you know, adding mercury to a spoonful of arsenic to ingest/ strangling me when I'm already stabbed in the guts.

Sheer insanity.

I don't know if I can survive the next 6 days. Talk about surviving the remaining months of the semester!

I'm going to sleep already. My brain needs to rest.

Ultimate test~*

Just a quick one because I don't have the luxury of time anymore.

And so, I accepted the internship at CGC (IMH). From now on, time is going to be a very, very precious commodity for me.

It's akin to an ultimate test of time management for me. Because I can't seem to find spaces in between that permits me to stop and breathe for a moment. (My schedule is ...)
I can't say that this is a very beneficial for me because I don't know if I'll be able to handle the MASSIVE workload on both sides (and screw up my studies), but all I can say is that I'll just have to try my best.

I'll need to find that balance between work, school and life. I'm a little doubtful of my own capabilities but nevertheless, I guess it's worth a shot?

It's going to be one hell of a semester for me and I seriously cannot wait for December to come so that I can at least have one less thing to worry about.

Most importantly, with my loved ones supporting and encouraging me, I'll be more convinced that I can do it. :) Well..., I have no idea what lies ahead and to be honest, there's always this lingering worry and dread swimming inside me. But nevertheless, I can't really turn back now so I can only take a step forward.

Fingers crossed and hope for the best!

He’s not perfect.

You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. 


But if he can make you laugh at least once, 
causes you to think twice, 
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, 
hold onto him and give him the most you can. 


He isn’t going to quote poetry, 
he’s not thinking about you every moment, 
but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. 


Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. 


Don’t analyze. 
Smile when he makes you happy, 
yell when he makes you mad, 
and miss him when he’s not there. 


Love hard when there is love to be had. 


Because perfect guys don’t exist, 


but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you. 


- Bob Marley

from the sidelines~*

Dad: Today is my 61st birthday! What do you plan to treat us... MBS? :)

61.
Things like that are very easily forgotten.

so when you remember it, you feel the constriction in your throat...
you want to fully cherish the time you have together. the time, however limited.
we've wasted enough time.
there are things that you've done and things that I've done.
but still.

~*~*~*~*

the family has been bathing in rather sour-y atmosphere lately.
and much of this is due to my sis' house's renovation progress.

there are times when my sis is just tactless and fires hurtful remarks without realizing it.
I understand why she said certain things but I also know why my parents are saying/doing certain things that made her react this way.

I'm on neutral ground.
But sometimes, as I watch from afar, I feel sad.

"It's all for your own good"

but when you can't see it from this angle, you just can't.

headstrong people.
they fixate stubbornly at their very narrow visual field (metaphorically) and refuse to accept any another information that can broaden their perspectives.

and hence, they collide, rub each other in the wrong way and sparks fly.


people on the sidelines always see things much clearly.

but... people on the sidelines are also powerless.
at least, for the current situation.


things to worry about are just piling up.

Kaze To Oka No Ballad

Nodame Cantabile.

There's always something tugging at me whenever I watch it, whenever I listen to the songs.

something tugging. at the corners of my mouth. upwards.

A lovely song which, on top of everything else, made me want to cry without a reason.

Right...~*

Time for some morale-boosting + affirmative prep talk!

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Woots! In other words, if you fail, try, try and try and try and try again!

Right... Seriously, who am I kidding???

My brain is exploding. 

There comes a time when you just cannot think in the right frame of mind. 

Normally, you can make spectacular maneuvers around problems, causes and effects and SEE the LIGHT.

But not when you're half-dead and the cognitive load is simply too much to handle...

WELL, then again, complaining is just a waste of time. (But I do need an outlet for the accumulated amount of stress and frustration)

Since the only way to complete the things you ought to complete is to go and DEFY INERTIA AND DO THEM, then I suppose I'm going to work my ass off the entire night. 

Jas, if you can't find A to backup our claims, then look to B, C, D, E... and then AA, BB, CC....

It's not the time to back out of this 'worthwhile endeavour'. It's time to make it WORTHWHILE.

chilled~*

I'm frozen.

The chill is still circulating all around inside me. Literally.

It's making my body temperature all warped. It's making me feel sick.

I feel sick.

I feel sick, not just because of the chill, but because of the mess that's lying in front of my eyes. 

I'm trying, but I can't do this alone. 

I want to cry in frustration but... what's the point? 

I feel like dropping my hands and allowing my head to hit the keyboard.

like, with a BIG BIG BANG. 

Can't you guys just...

Edit:


I can't sleep.

I think I worry incessantly and excessively.
because if the whole world tells you to chill and nobody seems the least bit worried, then I suppose I'm the oddball who worries too much.

that must be it.

so there's no reason to feel so flustered.

I don't like it when people put negative connotations to the word 'studious' and 'hardworking'.
somehow, it seems to suggest that the person has 'no-life' and very 'frigid' and 'uptight' like a wound up spring.

MUGGER. 

but if we think of it from a different perspective - what's WRONG with working on what you're SUPPOSED to do?

I don't know, I really don't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do from now and I just want to sleep my days away. I just want to have that 'heck-care' attitude and wait for things to happen on their own. I just want to sit back and watch. I don't want to risk my health and mental stability. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. 



Edit again:


I lost it.

tonight's going to be a very long and depressing night...

I'm going to have swollen eyes tomorrow.


Edit again:

Patience is a virtue.

I will keep an open mind and an open heart. I will try my best to understand and empathize.


I am going to place my trust in you guys again.

Fragile. Be careful.

Updates~*

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It's just adorable beyond any form of verbal expression, isn't it? 

and it has got nothing to do with what I'm going to write. It's just too adorable. :)

1. My LUCKY slippers

What unlucky event can happen at 6.50am in the morning?

That ungodly hour... even before my brain starts functioning, even before my eyes are fully opened, even before the sky's completely lit up. 

What CAN happen?

The strap of my Charles and Keith slippers broke while I was walking to the train station.

And so, I walked bare-foot (on one foot) all the way to the station, on the pavement, across the icky grass, across the tar road, right into Cheers and bought myself a new pair of slippers.

(please don't remind me what I could have POSSIBLY stepped on. Anyway, on a side note, I'm suddenly very grateful for having a feet size that hovers around the mean - the first pair of slippers that I plucked off the rack fits me like a T) 

I'm eternally thankful for the existence of 24-hour convenience stores that sell slippers. 

Anyway, in case you are wondering why didn't I head back home and change a new pair of footwear, the answer is simple - I would be late and ... the distance I need to walk to get home versus the distance I need to walk to get to the station... you can do the math.

I can't remember when was the last time I did something so embarrassing as to walk barefoot. 

(maybe I'm immune to strange gazes ever since my pseudo-compulsion with dental hygiene (brushing teeth in public toilets))

I kept my face completely straight and nonchalant. 

It's quite funny if you visualize this scene - this girl walking half bare-foot, carrying her file on her left hand and A SLIPPER on the right, her face devoid of any expression.

Anyway, I've developed this whole new way of ignoring raised eyebrows - that is, not to look at anybody.
You can, to some extent, actually pretend that nobody's looking at you (aka self-denial). 

So, I believe this pair of black slippers will be my new lucky charm.

SAVIOUR, indeed.




2. SCHOOL FOOD

I've run out of things to eat in school.
Every week, the group of us (can I call ourselves 'fellow psychos'? hahaha) will dump our bags on the chairs and start sighing and lamenting about how there's "nothing to eat".

Which is true, in a way.
Because I'm getting tired of eating the same old things over and over again.
And I completely lack motivation to venture to other canteens because I simply detest elbowing my way through throngs of students at lunchtime (be it in fass or elsewhere). It's just... nauseating.

Okay, I'm just lazy.

But, oh well. There are more things to worry about than lunch menu.


3. RISK-TAKER....?

I've just had my most harrowing experience with an interviewer.
It's not so much like an interview. It's more like a 'grilling' session.

I felt completely, utterly defeated by questions after questions.
It's like a conversation, in which the other party says nothing but 'Why?'

So it really makes you feel dizzy - going down, down, down into your answers.

And I don't think I did a very good job in defending my answers and might have sounded uncertain about some answers.

So, I've decided that:

- The probability of me getting the internship is near zero.
- It has been a good exposure to what internship interviews are like (maybe limited only to the psychology field?)
- I'm not a very good speaker.


Another issue bugging me is that... I'm not even sure if I'm ready to commit to this programme in the first place.
It seems as if I submitted my application & unofficial academic transcript on impulse.
Yeah, that must be it. (My prefrontal cortex wasn't working too well. Bio psych overdose.)

After chatting with several fellow psych majors at the waiting area (all familiar faces in lectures and tutorials :)), I realized that all of us had the same worry - internship-academic balance.
It's a tough juggle, I suppose.

But why am I jumping to conclusions???
I might not get it in the first place. So we'll just see.


To muster the courage to sign up and go for the interview can be considered a HUGE leap out of the 'comfort zone' (way overused term) for me.
In no other parallel universe would you have imagined me actually being proactive in WANTING something and actually ACTING on that WANT.


And I've figured out that

I would rather regret performing badly at an interview because I took a proactive step than to regret not having taken that step  in the first place.

That's probably what spurred me to send that fateful email in the first place.

So... WE SHALL SEE.



4. DISCOURAGED. NOT?

Well, the only comfort probably came when he told us that his honours student took a whole semester to come up with a good research question.

Hmm... if that's any form of comfort at all.

But... I'm glad I have my groupmates... and of course, he has been really encouraging towards us too.

Let's make it work this time round, shall we?

rebound, girls, rebound!!! 


5. Things that are left unsaid

some things don't need to be verbalized.
because sometimes, words are just crude representations of ... things that cannot be verbalized outright.

Emotions are not superfluous. 
they are tied in so closely with cognition, with our thoughts.

so much so that one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.

one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.
one cannot be present without the other. It's just not possible.

you cannot let emotions override your logic.
but at the same time, don't deny yourself of the beauty of experiencing emotions head-on.

It can be the most amazing experience ever.

And of course, positive emotions should all the more be experienced as a whole... without any form of reduction.

to have given me the chance to feel that positivity, to have been able to pull that out from beneath the compressed layers of... who-knows-what from the depths of my heart, you're just incredible.  
for all these times, thank you... :) 

I am so...~*

At Herbivore with the girlfriends.
Happy birthday in advance, dear yy! :)

~*~*~*~* 

I have no adjective to describe my current mental state.

I'm drained, overwhelmed and just very, very tired.

MENTAL INERTIA of a high degree.

Talking to the girlfriends made me realize that deep down, for our own array of diverse reasons,

we're all tired (to a certain degree).

I am of no exception too. 

And what's more intriguing is that perhaps, there's some common reason for this tiredness which resides in us. 

Something related to the unforeseeable and unpredictable. 

The reason that makes us discipline ourselves harshly and force ourselves to corners...

That BIG 'F' word. (6 letters, please, not 4)

It's just so frustrating. So frustrating. SO FRUSTRATING.

My mind is drained and empty like a dried-up lake. I can't think anymore, and I can't read anymore research papers. 

I'm on the verge of admitting defeat very soon. 

S.O.S

Discouraged... no?~*

For a moment, I want to believe.

that I'm strong enough.

But the fact is, I'm bummed and it feels as if my innards are all collapsing together.

I'm supposed to anticipate it but the truth is, I wasn't geared up enough. 

So there goes the long hours of work put in. 

Discard everything that I had and start on a new page. 

From scratch.

From nothingness.

All over again.

But,

I shouldn't be so discouraged.

I shouldn't admit defeat (to my very narrow approach to such a broad domain) so easily... right?

on a piece of blank paper, the only way to start is to pen something down. 

at least for this time round, we are in the appropriate frame of mind. 

let's try and try again. 

[I noticed I'm writing more frequently for the past few days. I guess... I really need an outlet...

Monologues. That's what I'm writing. Don't I have people other than myself to talk to...?]

maybe this bum-ness doesn't just stem from this hiccup but from something pulsating through me? 

perfection?~*

It might not make much sense, but this strange thought was perpetually lurking in my mind today - on my way to school, in school, after school, during dinner, during shower etc.

If everybody strives to be perfect (define 'perfection' yourself), and circumstances are such that everybody CAN be perfect (genetically altered, all sorts of aesthetic surgeries etc etc), then perhaps one day,

imperfection will be the new perfection.