Mikuni Shimokawa Alone~*

Alone

A dry breeze is blowing

The city is getting cold

I wonder how many seasons have passed

without even a sound?

All of the people coming and going

bear heavy burdens,

searching for tomorrow

within the heat haze wavering in the distance

Feelings like sand

falling through my hands...

Back then, the words that pierced my heart

suddenly started to throb with pain, but...

I've searched for pieces of myself,

counting the endless nights all the while.

These feelings are becoming so certain

I almost lose myself.

Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far

I wonder, why is the sky

so vast?

Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come

and the tears poured out

I wonder where the birds are flying off to,

as they freely slice through the wind?

One can't return to the same place

as it once was in days gone by.

Even if I give up my dream like this,

I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.

Someday, I want to reach

as high as the clouds.

I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again

I will reach it, without fail.

I've searched for pieces of myself,

counting the endless nights all the while.

These feelings are becoming so certain

I almost lose myself.

Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

Random~*

"When I see the word 'Melancholy', I think of you."

Even though it wasn't intended to mean that way,
it's really a good word to describe me, isn't it?
Melancholy Lim.

Anyway, my mum's horrified with the amount of hair found on my bedroom floor.

"there must be some sadako-like ghost living under your bed dropping hair"

yes, because it's quite strange how there can be so much hair dropping and yet, still this much hair left on my head.

and my dad thinks I've been pulling my hair out when I'm stressed.
maybe? Why not?
maybe it's an automatic process - stressed up = pull hair.
effortless, unintentional.

not surprising, judging from the amount of stress I'm facing.
I think pretty soon I'll be bald.

Note to self~*

Appreciate what you have,
before you start appreciating what you had.

one step at a time~*

credits

I see stars. (whichever way you interpret this) 

Anyway, quoting from Mabel, "this is the best I can do already".

Yes, yes... so, no more staring at the laptop till I can feel my eyes threatening to explode, no more freaking out over citations, no more chanting of the term paper question softly beneath my breath while my brain churns out all the possible way of answering it, no more tugging of hair and suppressing screams, no more bugging of mabel, yiting and Mr Z to evaluate my approach to the essay...

Till the very end, I am still apprehensive and skeptical about what I've written. 

But like I said, "this is the best I can do already".

and because of this, I have forsaken my readings for tutorials and I'm lagging behind like mad. 

One down, many to come! 

cognitive psych test, developmental psych toy project, I/O psych presentation, darwin pop quiz, darwin CA test 2, fluids test... and then it's finals. 

Within the span of... less than a month? 

But I shall take one step at a time. 

Take a deep breath, and walk on, however slowly. 

For the past x months, thank you to all who had to tolerate my torrents of laments. 

I had been such a pain in the ass, neck, everywhere. 

and thanks to all who encouraged me when the going got tough (and might get tougher from now...)

karen who kept urging me to "let loose" and laugh at those 'pin-hole' photos. :)

mabel who had to tolerate my moments that came close to panic-attacks and MDD hahaha. :) 

tako who made me laugh with her texts :)

psych peeps who tickled me with the nickname they gave to one of the profs.... XD 

Mr Z, who has the HIGHEST level of patience possible. (I'm not kidding) You can never wear his patience out. and his level of optimism is close to my level of pessimism. impressive! :) :) 

anyway, I really love my  profile pic at the right column. suits my new layout. 

credits to mou. I think I just happened to turn my head and then, there you have it, an awesome effect. :) 

another thing is, I'll be getting braces. might come as a surprise to many people but yup. a long, long story. and the consequence of this is that I'm gonna be super broke. will write more about this next time. 

okay. I should stop wasting precious time. morning tutorial class tomorrow and I didn't touch my readings. awesome. 

let's look at some pics that can elicit some happiness. 

timbre night on mou's birthday

let it speak for itself

goodnight and good day! 

Voice~*

I tread along a continuum of sanity.

sometimes, I am in a rational and sane frame of mind. at other times, I feel so saturated with insanity that I just want to get drowned in it.

and once in a while, I will disintegrate.


But then again, as always, a voice will urge me to come back, to integrate with my other self, to become a whole again.

although I will be battered and bruised, the voice will beckon me over. the voice will talk to me, no matter how deafened I am by my own periodic cries. the voice will wake me up from my reverie, and pull me up from my self-created clutter.

and make sure I stand up again.


"take a step back, reanalyze the situation, tell yourself everything will be alright in the end. 
it doesn't matter what the result turns out to be, as long as you know you haven't let yourself down." 

in the darkest of the darkest moment, there are just some things that will light the way. and these are the things that will be further accentuated by the darkness itself.

Disconcerted~*

Credits

I'm not okay.

I'm the epitome of a wreck.
It's during times like this when I just want to give myself a good slap.
Stop whining! 

Yes, I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm disconcerted. I'm overwhelmed.
And nothing I do is helping at all.

I know my greatest antagonist is but myself; my very very self-centred self who has eyes for nothing but inadequacy of myself.

So deeply unsettled. To the point that I need to come here and write something, wasting my time further.

I'm utterly awed by my own stupidity, my own persistence at maintaining that stupidity, the extremely large gap between what I hoped I could do and what I am doing now.

I just want to close my eyes and snap my fingers and then poof! all sorts of nonsensical thoughts will vapourize. just like that.

but no. that's impossible. and I shouldn't drag people down into my abyss with me, should I?

I should just crawl under the table and stay there for good.

As One~*

Why are there still so many people crying all around the world ?
Why can't we try to lend a hand, so the world would become as one
Angels come and guide the way
Let no more fear surround our days

Cause I believe that we can find a way
If we keep our hope up high enough to move the mountains
No matter where we are
We can pray as one
Let the power of love show us the way

When you're down and weary, please remember that you've got a friend
Here, underneath the same big sky, someone's thinking of you today
If only we can build our love
Then the friendship never goes away

Cause I believe that we can find a way
If we keep our hope up high enough to move the mountains
No matter where we are
We can pray as one
Let the power of love show us the way

Children crying, people dying, tears of sadness overflowing
When will we see, everyone smiling ?
If there's a way to light the day
O god give us your love and guide us

I believe that we can find a way
If we keep our hope up high enough to move the mountains
No matter where we are
We can pray as one
Let the power of love show us the way

No matter where we are
We can pray as one
Let the power of love show us the way


- 'As One' by Kanon

Japan tragedy~*

credits

For somebody who has always loved all things japanese, the news of the Japan earthquake and tsunami really came as a great shock to me. 

Not just that, but the scale and extent of it truly appalled me. Not to mention the horror of the meltdown of nuclear plants... (I can't imagine what will happen if the leakage of radiation is very extensive) 

The death toll just keeps increasing, together with the number of missing persons. 

It pains me when I look at all those footages of people crying in desperation, mourning for their losses and in hope of finding their loved ones safe and sound.

And what about those who realized that their loved ones have become unfortunate victims of this catastrophe...? 

Once again, we've lost the battle between humans and nature. 

Makes one ponder a lot.

of the significance and insignificance of many things,

of the egoistic nature of human,

of the way we're still at the beck and call of Mother Nature,

of how lucky we (those who aren't affected by this disaster) truly are...

you see, because there are just so many 'could have's.

I could've been in japan at that moment.

my loved ones could've been in japan...

what will happen, then? 

for people like us, who can only keep ourselves updated with the news, 

while rescue teams scramble around to give their fullest aid, while governments contemplate really hard for their next move, while victims cry and pray, while the whole nation weeps...

this will just be 'another incident'.

I watch, on facebook, on twitter, on blogs, how people are just carrying on with their lives as if nothing out of the norm has happened. 

well, of course we can't really feel it if there's no implication on us. even if there are, they'll just be minimal as compared to what Japan is going through right now. 

some people choose to stay out of this, to stay ignorant and be self-absorbed in their oh-so-important tasks, not even pausing to think about this incident. 

"OH, that's so sad... ok so where were we?" 

some people don't even have an inkling of idea of what's happening. 

and of course, like I commented on my twitter, there are those ****ers (pardon me, please) who blatantly comment that 'Japan deserves it' because it's a 'Pearl Harbour karma'. 

"REMEMBER PEARL HARBOUR?"

"IT'S PAYBACK TIME."

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read comments such as

"Since they bombed pearl harbour and killed all those people, I think I'm good"

"for all I care japan can suck it for what they did to pearl harbour. but the reason why I donated is because I want more video games. :D"

SERIOUSLY. **** THEM.

complete morons. 

Makes me feel utterly disgusted at people like them.

people who can so cruelly and heartlessly blame the innocent for past mistakes,

people who cannot get their facts right. 

people who can never, ever advance beyond making ridiculous attributions.

It's because of people like that who quickens the erosion of humanity. 

Ignoring these people, let us pray for Japan.

Pray for all the victims, all the survivors, all the people hanging on to the flicker of hope, all the rescue teams... for humanity. 

Lady weeping at the crossroads~*

Have always loved this song. But after reading the lyrics, I know I'm absolutely mesmerized. 

It's so, so beautiful. 

(Amber, I think you will like this)

Lady, weeping at the crossroads,
Would you meet your love
In twilight with his greyhounds,
And the hawk upon his glove?

Bribe the bird then on the branches,
Bribe them to be dumb,
Stare the hot sun out of heaven
That the night may come.

Starless are the nights of travel,
Bleak the winter wind;
Run with terror all before you
And regret behind.

Run until you hear the ocean's
Everlasting cry;
Deep though it may be and bitter
You must drink it dry, drink it dry.

Wear out patience in the lowest
Dungeons of the sea,
Searching through the stranded shipwrecks
For the golden key,

Push on to the world's end, pay the
Dread guard with a kiss
Cross the rotten bridge that totters
Over the abyss.

There stands the deserted castle
Ready to explore;
Enter, climb the marble staircase,
Open the locked door.

Cross the silent empty ballroom
Doubt and anger past;
Blow the cobwebs from the mirror,
See yourself at last,

See yourself at last.


Put your hand behind the wainscot,
You have done your part;
Find the penknife there and plunge it
Into your false heart

- 'Lady Weeping at the Crossroads' performed by Carla Bruni

(lyrics from poem by W.H Auden) 

you ought to know better~*

credits

Won't you have this strange and unexplainable feeling of emptiness when a melody comes to an end?

When the last note is sung and the melody fades away, and then, the silence takes its place...

contrast effect. 

Anyway, tea.

Have been drinking much tea lately.

from my regular japanese sencha/genmai green tea/jasmine green tea to the odd lavender tea (which tastes just like chamomile), to another odd pomegranate blueberry tea... 

I don't know why and how, but tea soothes you. 

the sensation of having something warm swirling in your mouth, slipping down your throat and warming you up inside. 

coupled with the fragrance...

ideal for a stressful day.

ideal for the highly tense lady here.

if only sorrow can dissipate so easily, like the white cloud of vapour from a steaming cup of tea. 

vapourize... and enter the atmosphere. 

lost, among the many. 

no longer visible.

but no. 

things don't just 'disappear'. 

and problems don't just 'get solved by themselves'. 

when intervention is needed, then intervention is needed. 

blind yourself, 

blind yourself to problems.

sheer egocentrism. 

just like covering your eyes and walking into a room of people, thinking nobody will see you because you can't see others.

thinking problems won't get to you because you don't want to look at them.

time to take a good look at them.

at them, at them... at myself.

when you make a decision, be prepared for the rippling aftereffects. 

be prepared for consequences, be prepared to face the music, 

to bite the bullet. 

we can no longer hide behind our mothers and duck our heads.

neither can we stick our tongue out and give a sheepish grin.

as we age, the world becomes increasingly unforgiving towards us.

cruel, but true. 

we slowly learn that 'sorry' is just not good enough. 

not good enough. 

nothing is.

no room for mistakes. 

the society says, "you ought to know better, young lady."

who are we to say otherwise, if from time to time, that's what we say, too...?

drained~*

in my room.
Loane's 'Contre toi' (nice song!).
Torey Hayden's 'Just another kid' (always updating people about accounts by torey)
a stack of psych text.
headache over assignments and presentation.
calendar.
procrastination.
ponder, ponder.
vacant, empty, missing.
thinking about everything that were shared among my uni friends last night.
things that they said which truly reflected what I want to say.
a saturday spent at home, being a good, homely girl.
I don't want to fall back in the dumpster.
no more tears, no more fears, no more... self-generated negativity.

but something's undeniable - I'm very, very, very drained.
and it's the kind of exhaustion that starts off as something psychological and manifests itself as something physical.
if this goes on for a few more weeks, I am definitely going to ... *SNAP*

random stuff:

yes, we worked till it was getting dark, then we headed to audrey's 21st (details next time!).

"As I became an adult, bit by bit I have forgotten
to stay true and honest to my heart."


- 'Kimi ga Iru Kara' by Shimokawa Mikuni 

FASS!~*

Audrey's 21st! :)















who's missing? Melvin! hahah.















FASS! :D

still got a whole bunch of photos. shall upload them soon. :)
anyway, I'm really thankful for those fun-loving fass people.
and of course, my fellow psych majors!!! :) :) :)

Being there~*

"Crying makes one human again."

I like that line.

"I like to accumulate and accumulate and then when it comes to breaking point, I'd let them out. And everything resets."

I hope I've emptied everything in me.

And I hope I'm ready to take on new things.

ready to start the new cycle.

It was hard, but you made things easier.

Hadn't meant to show this side of me, but I was truly dying.

truly, truly dying.

Thanks for being there. Always, now and I know, forever.