A while ago I wrote this post on how to get fed for free if you're an undertaker. Since then I have played the role of mourner more and thought I would share my perspectives on funeral staff joining mourners for food.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
2012-04-21
Hotdogs Out of Hearses - Serving hot dogs the living will relish
What got my attention was when he said "some people take a dim view of this because of the controversy of mixing food and death." Ie goes on to say that "I've had a lot more people stop me just to take a picture." This was interesting to me as it says a lot about how we see the hearse and the coffin as well as death.
To me (and most other undertakers) there is nothing special about the hearse of coffin. I see the hearse as just a car and little else. And the coffin is a cheap wooden box (or sometimes metal) with nothing else to it. To me a coffin is as special as a table and the hearse is as special as a taxi. I most certainly do not associate the hearse or coffin with death or anything like it.
On the flip side the desire to sell food from a hearse says just as much as the ideas against it. The idea of mixing food and death (as the article puts it) is novel or strange. One customer stated that they were "going to tell everyone in the office about this," so clearly to them buying a hotdog here was a story worth telling to others. It's not because anything unusual or special happened, they bought a hot dog. We would hardly tell our co-workers about buying a hotdog normally. But she caught it from a hearse, and this in itself was worth telling for her. There is clearly a certain novelty about this business, for both the customers and sellers, which is also evident in the fact that this was considered news worthy. I highly doubt a story about a new hotdog vendor would gather much attention normally.
Another thing that grabbed me was the taboo of mixing food and death. Yet we do this constantly at almost every funeral. Almost all funerals will have food at the end, it is rather unusual not to eat at a funeral.
This business brings a hearse and coffin to the public, showing how food and death can be directly mixed. However in doing this it is also saying there is something strange or novel about the hearse and coffin which is untrue in many ways.
~~
Original Article at Mercury News.
2012-03-15
How to Crash a Funeral
Funeral crashers are rare, but do exist. There was one person in particular that I saw a couple of times, and only when food was involved. Many find crashing a funeral to be a terrible violation of ethics and morals. But why? What is wrong with turning up to a funeral just because you do not know who died? Yes, taking the food at the wake is stealing and is similar to taking money from families who paid for the function. But again, people see this as so much worse than similar theft outside funerals. There is something about the funerals that makes any crime more unacceptable or unpalatable than in regular daily life. The movie 'The Wedding Crashers' focuses on two guys who crash wedding to sleep with women. Yet once one crashes a funeral he learns a lesson, and how low it is. Even though we never see or hear of anything eventuating from his crashing the funeral, showing a funeral service for a couple of minutes total. So why is crashing a wedding an acceptable comedy but a funeral unacceptable and low?
I personally do not care. I do not say that anyone should crash a funeral, but I have no stronger objections than if they were to crash a wedding. However I do find it an interesting was of looking at funerals, how to crash them that is. How to sneak in under the rader and blend with the crowd. It shows what it takes to 'belong' at a funeral. So here is a short guid on how to crash a funeral.
- Dress appropriately. This does not mean overdressing or void of colours, many people will be presentable and wear white or colourful things. It is mostly black and plain semi-formal clothing and yet there is often variation between cultures and individuals. So know your audience before arriving. Some tips would be for guys to wear a plain black suit with grey shirt or dark grey suit with black shirt. A simple tie, preferably dull in colour and matching the suit. This should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. Women are a little more difficult as their funeral clothing is more specific. If colour is desired then women tend to be brighter than guys, if no colours are required then women tend to be just black with simple gold or silver jewellery. Either way, the key is to fit in without standing out.
- Pre-plan and research. Read press notices, it is often the case that the family have printed in the paper all the details you need. From the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service. Also working out, through experience or information, if there is a wake will be useful if you are after the free food.
- Act confident and know what a funeral is. This is perhaps the most important thing, just walk in as though you were meant to walk in. Do not make obvious mistakes like going to the wrong part of the church, do not act awkward. To do this go to a couple of funerals, watch the goings on and then it should all be obvious.
- Be punctual but not early. Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one amongst many. People should move in as large groups around 15minutes before they are due to start. As you enter sign the condolence book and take an oder of service as everyone lese does. If you do not want to sign the condolence book just say you will sign it later, after the service, if any funeral staff are nearby. This will make you look like another mourner to the staff and family.
- Be vaguely specific. IFF asked about your relation to the deceased do not get too specific lest you get trapped by fake details. Yet avoiding the question could also be a bit odd. Most people will not question you about the relation but should they then this is where some basic pre-panning comes in handy. If they or their spouse were a member of a church or large semi-organised club then say you are as well. Or you could be a friend of a mourner who has wondered off, here to support them and usure how they know the deceased. The trick with a good lie is to not oversell and not hesitate too much and not worry.
- Do not just stand about. Standing about awkwardly is not good as people will notice you. When people notice you they are likely to question you and you being there. So stand in the crowd, talk to someone (this is where a wingman is good) and appear as one of many. Talking to older people is easiest as they are most likely to just chat. Priests/fathers or brothers and nuns/sisters are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner. They are hard to spot as they will often wear casual clothing to the funeral (both priests and nuns) if they have nothing to do with the service itself. To recognise them look for the older people having more fun and being more relaxed than most.
- Go in pairs if possible. Going as two is a lot easier than just one. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone help come up with excuses or ideas if needed. Plus when chatting to others you can make a nice joke about each other here or there. It creates a positive and happy atmosphere, indicating to people that you know each other and get along well. All part of the idea of fitting in.
<> Remember, I am not saying you should crash a funeral, or even that this advice will enable you to do so. This is more a look at how to fit in, how to belong even though you should not. And what belonging at a funeral is and means. <>
~~
I personally do not care. I do not say that anyone should crash a funeral, but I have no stronger objections than if they were to crash a wedding. However I do find it an interesting was of looking at funerals, how to crash them that is. How to sneak in under the rader and blend with the crowd. It shows what it takes to 'belong' at a funeral. So here is a short guid on how to crash a funeral.
- Dress appropriately. This does not mean overdressing or void of colours, many people will be presentable and wear white or colourful things. It is mostly black and plain semi-formal clothing and yet there is often variation between cultures and individuals. So know your audience before arriving. Some tips would be for guys to wear a plain black suit with grey shirt or dark grey suit with black shirt. A simple tie, preferably dull in colour and matching the suit. This should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. Women are a little more difficult as their funeral clothing is more specific. If colour is desired then women tend to be brighter than guys, if no colours are required then women tend to be just black with simple gold or silver jewellery. Either way, the key is to fit in without standing out.
- Pre-plan and research. Read press notices, it is often the case that the family have printed in the paper all the details you need. From the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service. Also working out, through experience or information, if there is a wake will be useful if you are after the free food.
- Act confident and know what a funeral is. This is perhaps the most important thing, just walk in as though you were meant to walk in. Do not make obvious mistakes like going to the wrong part of the church, do not act awkward. To do this go to a couple of funerals, watch the goings on and then it should all be obvious.
- Be punctual but not early. Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one amongst many. People should move in as large groups around 15minutes before they are due to start. As you enter sign the condolence book and take an oder of service as everyone lese does. If you do not want to sign the condolence book just say you will sign it later, after the service, if any funeral staff are nearby. This will make you look like another mourner to the staff and family.
- Be vaguely specific. IFF asked about your relation to the deceased do not get too specific lest you get trapped by fake details. Yet avoiding the question could also be a bit odd. Most people will not question you about the relation but should they then this is where some basic pre-panning comes in handy. If they or their spouse were a member of a church or large semi-organised club then say you are as well. Or you could be a friend of a mourner who has wondered off, here to support them and usure how they know the deceased. The trick with a good lie is to not oversell and not hesitate too much and not worry.
- Do not just stand about. Standing about awkwardly is not good as people will notice you. When people notice you they are likely to question you and you being there. So stand in the crowd, talk to someone (this is where a wingman is good) and appear as one of many. Talking to older people is easiest as they are most likely to just chat. Priests/fathers or brothers and nuns/sisters are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner. They are hard to spot as they will often wear casual clothing to the funeral (both priests and nuns) if they have nothing to do with the service itself. To recognise them look for the older people having more fun and being more relaxed than most.
- Go in pairs if possible. Going as two is a lot easier than just one. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone help come up with excuses or ideas if needed. Plus when chatting to others you can make a nice joke about each other here or there. It creates a positive and happy atmosphere, indicating to people that you know each other and get along well. All part of the idea of fitting in.
<> Remember, I am not saying you should crash a funeral, or even that this advice will enable you to do so. This is more a look at how to fit in, how to belong even though you should not. And what belonging at a funeral is and means. <>
~~
2012-03-07
Funeral Fun - 'The' Father
This was a day that I will remember for a long time, fondly and with destine. From the priests pants falling down during the service to the heat and work involved. Just an unusual job on an unusual day.
It was an abnormally hot day in the middle of an otherwise wet summer when I came into work only to find that I had an early pickup in the CBD. This was very bad news to me as I hate driving around the CBD. It is all kinds of awful to me, unfamiliar, crowded, bad traffic, lights every 2 blocks and if you make a wrong turn it can be ages before you can turn around. Not to mention the lack of parking. There would be two cars on the job with the hearse. One was going to the CBD (me) and the other to the airport (a hire car company we contracted). So it could have been worse, I would rather the CBD than the airport.
Being in a hurry as this was an early pickup I did not read the day sheet properly. So when I arrived at the fancy hotel I pulled out my day sheet only to realise I had no name of who I was picking up, just "collect father" (as in the priest) who was the brother of the deceased. What could I do, walk up to the hotel staff asking if they had a father waiting for a funeral car? Actually that was what I did, well, mostly. I asked the concierge if anyone was expecting a car, specifically a funeral car. He checked the information and nope, nothing was coming up. Great, this meant I had to call the office. The conductor for this job happened to answer the phone. Which was actually rather good I thought as he was a fairly competent and approchable person. After explaining the situation to him he looked through the paper work, finding that only the last name of father was listed. At least this narrowed it down somewhat, at least one would think so. Yet the concierge had two people checked in by that name and being quite early did not want to disturb them on the chance that it was the right person. I let out a deep slow sigh, stuck, unsure what the do next. Then the conductor told me what fathers first name "probably" was. At least as best he could remember from meeting that father a long time ago. So again, I relayed this information to the concierge and YES, it was right. Finally I knew who to collect! They paged the father and informed him I would be waiting outside by the car incase a parking officer came by.
After a good 20 minutes the father came out wearing his standard black fatherly shirt. I took note of how he had the hotel staff open the door, something I find interesting in people. Most will go for the door themselves, or assume it is automatic, before the hotel staff jump in to open it. Not this father, he was obviously use to fancy hotels. Walking up to the car he briefly introduced himself before asking where to put his bag and preist clothing. I take it and put it all in the car for him and start to open his door. He stops me and asks very nicely if i could do up his buttons. I paused for a moment and wondering where this was going when he showed me the button on one sleeve cuff and on his collar. There was nothing wrong with this request, but it was still strange. After buttoning him up I let him in the car before shutting the door. Turning to leave I catch the hotel doorman's eye, he let a small smile slip across his face and winked at me as I got in.
It was a quick drive, with not much said. Something I learnt to get use to as some older people (but mostly middle-aged, around the age of my parents) did not 'appreciate' a young person driving them. Father obviously had nothing against me in anyway, but probably would have just been more comfortable with someone closer to his own age. He did tell me he preferred that fancy hotel to certain others in Sydney and Melbourne. That hotel was much nicer to guests, with better service and good rooms. It cost more than others but was better value. Yes, this father had enough experience with top hotels to weigh them against each other.
We drive back to the WNBull office in Newtown, where the hearse and coffin wait for us. Arriving early we invited him to the reception room for a drink and let our resident bereavement councillor entertain him. When it was time to get the coffin from our chapel into the hearse father suddenly pulled out a camera and started taking pictures. Next he started talking about various things. I could see the conductor out of the corner of my eye, watching the time tick by while knowing that if father held us up that he would get the blame. So finally father was happy to go. Right after he went to the bathroom.
Now we were off and on the way to the cemetery at Rookwood. The service was set to be in a small chapel by the Catholic office. A lovely old fashioned little chapel actually. But it had not airconditioning or ventilation. And it was already so hot I was starting to sweat in the shade. Tue I was in a woollen three piece suite, but it was still very hot. And there is no shade anywhere outside that chapel. We got father inside and I set up the table for the condolence book. The other family car turned up, being driven by non other than the owner of the hire car company (Best Limousines Sydney - a great company infront and behind the scenes, with friendly and experienced drivers). This was rather good as I got on well with him, a very good guy who I knew would do a good job.
Suddenly the conductor shows up in a hurry. He tells the two of us how he had to "help father dress". Assisting with putting on his robes and straightening his clothes. Then he had to organise the stuff for communion and the prayers for the service. By now he had done or assisted with all the priests duties (including dress) expect say the service itself. Next thing I know he hands me a piece of paper and tells me I am in charge of booking the function for the wake. The family have decided they want a wake at the cafe at the main gate to Rookwood cemetery. Wonderful, now I will have to wait about to take father back to the hotel. I could feel the day just slip away. The hire car driver was actually really unhappy as he got paid by the job, not by the hour and now a three hour job looked like six hours work. Anyway, as unhappy as I was I rang up the cafe and explained what we needed. They told me that they were unimpressed at not having it booked and an hours notice not being good. After a nice chat with the guy we settled on just a few sandwiches and some basic drinks like coffee for a few people. Here is where I had a stroke of genius out of the blue and would later help. I catered for 20 people when only 15 were at the service, incase others showed up as they were expecting over 20 people to attend the funeral.
The service went on, us sweating away in the heat. It was time for the thurible - basically incense. My task was simply to take it outside once finished with, nice and easy. But standing up there I was sweating so much. To the point where I was wiping sweat back with the sleeve of my suit in front of everyone. And so was everyone else, it was too hot and we were too inappropriately dressed to care. I took the thurible, ran it outside and came back in to laughter and the conductor standing between father and the audience with his coat open, much like Batman. The two then slid off into the sacristy and shut the door before coming back out and continuing. I was soon told that fathers pants had fallen down right there next to the coffin in full view for everyone. That the conductor had 'shielded his dignity' and helped do up his pants in the sacristy. The conductor had to go as far as tucking fathers shirt in as well. Poor conductor, oh how I laughed at him later.
We drove around to the graveside, by now it was blistering hot and not a cloud would hang about to protect us. Even the plastic silver handels on the car were so hot that they were uncomfortable to use. It was an unpleasant burial that took all too long. After the burial we drove around to the cafe where sandwiches and cold drinks were waiting. The family and father moved over toward them eagerly, sitting down for a nice relaxing lunch. It was apparently clear that they had no intention of inviting either the hire car driver or myself. Most people may think this to be common, that funeral directors do not eat at the wake with the family. Yet I found that we often do. About 25% of the time I drive a family they will eagerly invite me into the wake for some refreshments. But not this time, they spared not even a though for us and on such a hot day to. No matter what I was getting fed, my mind was made up. Unfortunately this was not a buffet where I could sneak food away. So I approached the cafe staff. Explaining how hot and tired we were, and that 20 had been catered for but only 12 arrived. Obviously also a little but off by the family he quietly said that he could slip us a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink each. Through creativity and asking nicely I got fed after all.
Quite a while passed before they showed signs of leaving. A young guy being driven by the hire car driver approached us asking if we could take the father and he to an old grave. We did not want to at all, but had to. We agreed, but only if they actually knew where the grave was as Rookwood is rather large (it's the second largest cemetery in the world). The guy insisted that father knew where the grave was and would show me as we drove.
Hopping in the car I asked father which way. He said he was unsure. A great start. He would know once we got back to the other grave we had just been to that day, he was just unsure the way back to that grave. An even better start. I had images of father driving us all over Rookwood. But amazingly enough once back at the other grave he took us straight to the street he 'knew' it was in. As we drove up the street he peered out the window, constantly instructing me "faster", "no no, slower", "no, go faster", "wait, slow down" every few seconds, the whole way. After going up and down a few times he decided to get out and walk. So there the hire car driver and I waited, in the sun, in a cemetery on a boiling hot day in three piece wool suits. Sure by now I had heat stroke, or was at least just sick of the day, I was ready to leave. At least I was paid by the hour, not by the job like the hire car driver. He was now watching a three hour job turn into eight hours. And the airconditioning in his car had suddenly failed. It was now alternating between blowing cold and hot air.
Father finally came back, telling us he was ready to go. About time. We drove back to the city and I dropped him off at the hotel. It was an uneventful ride back with us exchanging some basic but pleasant small talk. I helped him out, turned to get his stuff out of the boot when he suddenly said that "the hotel staff will get that" and promptly walked off. He never even thanked me or any other staff that day. The conductor had done his pants up organised so much for him. I had waited about in the sun for ages, taking him out of my way to an old grave. Yet he could not even spare a "bye". I do not expect much from people, not a tip, not even a "thank you". But the last thing he said to me was literally "the hotel staff will get that". I have never experienced something so rude and inconsiderate as to be totally dismissed by someone after helping them so much. After spending the day with them. I, and the other funeral staff, were just 'the staff' to him, no different to the hotel staff. Not people but a group 'the staff'. And yes, I later developed heatstroke, and had to see a doctor, after waiting about in the sun for him at the grave.
So that is how I got fed for free on a boiling hot day. Got heatstroke waiting for a father. Saw a fathers pants fall down mid ceremony and then never got treated as a person by the father I had helped so much.
~~
It was an abnormally hot day in the middle of an otherwise wet summer when I came into work only to find that I had an early pickup in the CBD. This was very bad news to me as I hate driving around the CBD. It is all kinds of awful to me, unfamiliar, crowded, bad traffic, lights every 2 blocks and if you make a wrong turn it can be ages before you can turn around. Not to mention the lack of parking. There would be two cars on the job with the hearse. One was going to the CBD (me) and the other to the airport (a hire car company we contracted). So it could have been worse, I would rather the CBD than the airport.
Being in a hurry as this was an early pickup I did not read the day sheet properly. So when I arrived at the fancy hotel I pulled out my day sheet only to realise I had no name of who I was picking up, just "collect father" (as in the priest) who was the brother of the deceased. What could I do, walk up to the hotel staff asking if they had a father waiting for a funeral car? Actually that was what I did, well, mostly. I asked the concierge if anyone was expecting a car, specifically a funeral car. He checked the information and nope, nothing was coming up. Great, this meant I had to call the office. The conductor for this job happened to answer the phone. Which was actually rather good I thought as he was a fairly competent and approchable person. After explaining the situation to him he looked through the paper work, finding that only the last name of father was listed. At least this narrowed it down somewhat, at least one would think so. Yet the concierge had two people checked in by that name and being quite early did not want to disturb them on the chance that it was the right person. I let out a deep slow sigh, stuck, unsure what the do next. Then the conductor told me what fathers first name "probably" was. At least as best he could remember from meeting that father a long time ago. So again, I relayed this information to the concierge and YES, it was right. Finally I knew who to collect! They paged the father and informed him I would be waiting outside by the car incase a parking officer came by.
After a good 20 minutes the father came out wearing his standard black fatherly shirt. I took note of how he had the hotel staff open the door, something I find interesting in people. Most will go for the door themselves, or assume it is automatic, before the hotel staff jump in to open it. Not this father, he was obviously use to fancy hotels. Walking up to the car he briefly introduced himself before asking where to put his bag and preist clothing. I take it and put it all in the car for him and start to open his door. He stops me and asks very nicely if i could do up his buttons. I paused for a moment and wondering where this was going when he showed me the button on one sleeve cuff and on his collar. There was nothing wrong with this request, but it was still strange. After buttoning him up I let him in the car before shutting the door. Turning to leave I catch the hotel doorman's eye, he let a small smile slip across his face and winked at me as I got in.
It was a quick drive, with not much said. Something I learnt to get use to as some older people (but mostly middle-aged, around the age of my parents) did not 'appreciate' a young person driving them. Father obviously had nothing against me in anyway, but probably would have just been more comfortable with someone closer to his own age. He did tell me he preferred that fancy hotel to certain others in Sydney and Melbourne. That hotel was much nicer to guests, with better service and good rooms. It cost more than others but was better value. Yes, this father had enough experience with top hotels to weigh them against each other.
We drive back to the WNBull office in Newtown, where the hearse and coffin wait for us. Arriving early we invited him to the reception room for a drink and let our resident bereavement councillor entertain him. When it was time to get the coffin from our chapel into the hearse father suddenly pulled out a camera and started taking pictures. Next he started talking about various things. I could see the conductor out of the corner of my eye, watching the time tick by while knowing that if father held us up that he would get the blame. So finally father was happy to go. Right after he went to the bathroom.
Now we were off and on the way to the cemetery at Rookwood. The service was set to be in a small chapel by the Catholic office. A lovely old fashioned little chapel actually. But it had not airconditioning or ventilation. And it was already so hot I was starting to sweat in the shade. Tue I was in a woollen three piece suite, but it was still very hot. And there is no shade anywhere outside that chapel. We got father inside and I set up the table for the condolence book. The other family car turned up, being driven by non other than the owner of the hire car company (Best Limousines Sydney - a great company infront and behind the scenes, with friendly and experienced drivers). This was rather good as I got on well with him, a very good guy who I knew would do a good job.
Suddenly the conductor shows up in a hurry. He tells the two of us how he had to "help father dress". Assisting with putting on his robes and straightening his clothes. Then he had to organise the stuff for communion and the prayers for the service. By now he had done or assisted with all the priests duties (including dress) expect say the service itself. Next thing I know he hands me a piece of paper and tells me I am in charge of booking the function for the wake. The family have decided they want a wake at the cafe at the main gate to Rookwood cemetery. Wonderful, now I will have to wait about to take father back to the hotel. I could feel the day just slip away. The hire car driver was actually really unhappy as he got paid by the job, not by the hour and now a three hour job looked like six hours work. Anyway, as unhappy as I was I rang up the cafe and explained what we needed. They told me that they were unimpressed at not having it booked and an hours notice not being good. After a nice chat with the guy we settled on just a few sandwiches and some basic drinks like coffee for a few people. Here is where I had a stroke of genius out of the blue and would later help. I catered for 20 people when only 15 were at the service, incase others showed up as they were expecting over 20 people to attend the funeral.
The service went on, us sweating away in the heat. It was time for the thurible - basically incense. My task was simply to take it outside once finished with, nice and easy. But standing up there I was sweating so much. To the point where I was wiping sweat back with the sleeve of my suit in front of everyone. And so was everyone else, it was too hot and we were too inappropriately dressed to care. I took the thurible, ran it outside and came back in to laughter and the conductor standing between father and the audience with his coat open, much like Batman. The two then slid off into the sacristy and shut the door before coming back out and continuing. I was soon told that fathers pants had fallen down right there next to the coffin in full view for everyone. That the conductor had 'shielded his dignity' and helped do up his pants in the sacristy. The conductor had to go as far as tucking fathers shirt in as well. Poor conductor, oh how I laughed at him later.
We drove around to the graveside, by now it was blistering hot and not a cloud would hang about to protect us. Even the plastic silver handels on the car were so hot that they were uncomfortable to use. It was an unpleasant burial that took all too long. After the burial we drove around to the cafe where sandwiches and cold drinks were waiting. The family and father moved over toward them eagerly, sitting down for a nice relaxing lunch. It was apparently clear that they had no intention of inviting either the hire car driver or myself. Most people may think this to be common, that funeral directors do not eat at the wake with the family. Yet I found that we often do. About 25% of the time I drive a family they will eagerly invite me into the wake for some refreshments. But not this time, they spared not even a though for us and on such a hot day to. No matter what I was getting fed, my mind was made up. Unfortunately this was not a buffet where I could sneak food away. So I approached the cafe staff. Explaining how hot and tired we were, and that 20 had been catered for but only 12 arrived. Obviously also a little but off by the family he quietly said that he could slip us a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink each. Through creativity and asking nicely I got fed after all.
Quite a while passed before they showed signs of leaving. A young guy being driven by the hire car driver approached us asking if we could take the father and he to an old grave. We did not want to at all, but had to. We agreed, but only if they actually knew where the grave was as Rookwood is rather large (it's the second largest cemetery in the world). The guy insisted that father knew where the grave was and would show me as we drove.
Hopping in the car I asked father which way. He said he was unsure. A great start. He would know once we got back to the other grave we had just been to that day, he was just unsure the way back to that grave. An even better start. I had images of father driving us all over Rookwood. But amazingly enough once back at the other grave he took us straight to the street he 'knew' it was in. As we drove up the street he peered out the window, constantly instructing me "faster", "no no, slower", "no, go faster", "wait, slow down" every few seconds, the whole way. After going up and down a few times he decided to get out and walk. So there the hire car driver and I waited, in the sun, in a cemetery on a boiling hot day in three piece wool suits. Sure by now I had heat stroke, or was at least just sick of the day, I was ready to leave. At least I was paid by the hour, not by the job like the hire car driver. He was now watching a three hour job turn into eight hours. And the airconditioning in his car had suddenly failed. It was now alternating between blowing cold and hot air.
Father finally came back, telling us he was ready to go. About time. We drove back to the city and I dropped him off at the hotel. It was an uneventful ride back with us exchanging some basic but pleasant small talk. I helped him out, turned to get his stuff out of the boot when he suddenly said that "the hotel staff will get that" and promptly walked off. He never even thanked me or any other staff that day. The conductor had done his pants up organised so much for him. I had waited about in the sun for ages, taking him out of my way to an old grave. Yet he could not even spare a "bye". I do not expect much from people, not a tip, not even a "thank you". But the last thing he said to me was literally "the hotel staff will get that". I have never experienced something so rude and inconsiderate as to be totally dismissed by someone after helping them so much. After spending the day with them. I, and the other funeral staff, were just 'the staff' to him, no different to the hotel staff. Not people but a group 'the staff'. And yes, I later developed heatstroke, and had to see a doctor, after waiting about in the sun for him at the grave.
So that is how I got fed for free on a boiling hot day. Got heatstroke waiting for a father. Saw a fathers pants fall down mid ceremony and then never got treated as a person by the father I had helped so much.
~~
2012-02-13
Working Funerals - How to Get Fed for Free
One hazard with this job is going a whole day between meals. And on many funerals people have a wake, often between the church service and the committal (the final burial or cremation). It is torture to watch people eat while you starve after working for them. You have just run about helping them and they do not even invite you in for a biscuit. Most people will invite you in, but do not count on it. Instead make other plans.
Here is how to get free food, some hints and a story.
Don't:
- Do not get noticed too much! This is the golden rule. If you stick out, especially in a bad way, then people will remember.
- Do not just stand about with a huge plate of food stuffing your face. It looks bad and people do not appreciate it.
- Do not stand or hover too close to the buffet table. Again, it will make you look bad and people will not like it.
- Do not be pushy or overzealous about getting food. It looks bad and is unprofessional.
- Do not stand about on your own. If you stand on your own you stand out in a bad way. Talking to people makes you look like one of the group.
- Do not make expectations, of people or situations. This limits your thoughts and opportunities and will most often disappoint you.
Do:
- Help old or frail people inside. It makes you look good and next thing anyone knows you have a plate. And people will probably think that you were invited by said old/frail person.
- Be quick and do not hesitate too much. If you just stand about people will look at you and wonder if you really should be eating.
- Think outside the box. Sometimes trying something different will work, but do not be too risky.
- Talk to people. If you stand on your own you stand out in a bad way. Talking to people makes you look like one of the group.
- Keep your eyes open. Opportunities will come your way for food, do not dismiss them.
Scoring free food:
I will discuss this day in detail another time, it is too long and good to summarise here. But basically it was a hot day, so hot I was wiping the sweat away in the church in front of everyone with my suit sleeve. We all were, it was just that hot nobody cared. Plus we had done a lot for this father and family. They were good people so it was not too bad really.
They had wanted a reception after the burial yet had not planned anything. So it was up to me to make a booking at the Rookwood Cafe. The cafe was not happy about only getting 45 minutes notice, but after a friendly chat we agreed that some basic sandwiches and coffee would be fine. I made the booking for about 16 people even though there were only 13 just incase someone extra showed up. A likely event with this sort of family. After the burial the other hire car driver and I drive them over to the cafe. They go inside and all sit down and proceed to eat and drink. They had no intention of inviting us, not a bubble of the notion arose to them. I was unhappy, it was just so rude in a way to expect us to do extra work, things we would not normally and then not even offer us a cold drink on such a hot day. So I decided to solve the issue. I went up to the catering guy, who I had chatted with on the phone, and told him the dilema. I explained how we catered for 16 but only 12 had shown up and how hot and hungry we were. He looked me over and obviously took pity on me, as most people do when it comes to feeding me. He leaned in, looked both ways and said softy that he would slip a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink our way. And he did. And they were the best damn sandwiches I have had in ages.
That is how I got free food from an inconsiderate family on and extremely hot day.
~~
Here is how to get free food, some hints and a story.
Don't:
- Do not get noticed too much! This is the golden rule. If you stick out, especially in a bad way, then people will remember.
- Do not just stand about with a huge plate of food stuffing your face. It looks bad and people do not appreciate it.
- Do not stand or hover too close to the buffet table. Again, it will make you look bad and people will not like it.
- Do not be pushy or overzealous about getting food. It looks bad and is unprofessional.
- Do not stand about on your own. If you stand on your own you stand out in a bad way. Talking to people makes you look like one of the group.
- Do not make expectations, of people or situations. This limits your thoughts and opportunities and will most often disappoint you.
Do:
- Help old or frail people inside. It makes you look good and next thing anyone knows you have a plate. And people will probably think that you were invited by said old/frail person.
- Be quick and do not hesitate too much. If you just stand about people will look at you and wonder if you really should be eating.
- Think outside the box. Sometimes trying something different will work, but do not be too risky.
- Talk to people. If you stand on your own you stand out in a bad way. Talking to people makes you look like one of the group.
- Keep your eyes open. Opportunities will come your way for food, do not dismiss them.
Scoring free food:
I will discuss this day in detail another time, it is too long and good to summarise here. But basically it was a hot day, so hot I was wiping the sweat away in the church in front of everyone with my suit sleeve. We all were, it was just that hot nobody cared. Plus we had done a lot for this father and family. They were good people so it was not too bad really.
They had wanted a reception after the burial yet had not planned anything. So it was up to me to make a booking at the Rookwood Cafe. The cafe was not happy about only getting 45 minutes notice, but after a friendly chat we agreed that some basic sandwiches and coffee would be fine. I made the booking for about 16 people even though there were only 13 just incase someone extra showed up. A likely event with this sort of family. After the burial the other hire car driver and I drive them over to the cafe. They go inside and all sit down and proceed to eat and drink. They had no intention of inviting us, not a bubble of the notion arose to them. I was unhappy, it was just so rude in a way to expect us to do extra work, things we would not normally and then not even offer us a cold drink on such a hot day. So I decided to solve the issue. I went up to the catering guy, who I had chatted with on the phone, and told him the dilema. I explained how we catered for 16 but only 12 had shown up and how hot and hungry we were. He looked me over and obviously took pity on me, as most people do when it comes to feeding me. He leaned in, looked both ways and said softy that he would slip a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink our way. And he did. And they were the best damn sandwiches I have had in ages.
That is how I got free food from an inconsiderate family on and extremely hot day.
~~
2012-02-12
Working Funerals - Handy Tools of the Trade
Over the year I have found some surprising tools useful as an undertaker. Something to remember is never keep anything above your waist that has a chance of slipping off when you bend. I have seen a mourner drop petals into the grave, as he bent over his glasses fell out of his top pocket and down the grave. There are other numerous stories about dropping phones into decaying bodies on transfers. Either way, anything above the waist should have little to no chance of falling out or not be missed if it is lost.
- Elastic bands - keeping about four elastic bands in a pocket is always handy. You can bind papers together, tie flowers to the top of coffins, etc.
- Gloves - a pair of gloves is great to keep. And I keep a whole box in the vehicle. Gloves are just so handy in all aspects of this industry. For example on a funeral family may want the coffin opened and something changed, and the deceased may have an infectious disease. Or you may have to do something dirty, like change a tire. Either way keeping a pair on your person so they are quickly and subtly accessible is always good.
- Sunscreen - funeral directors spend a surprising amount of time in the sun. Sure, we wear a three piece suit, but it does not cover our faces or hands. I personally saw three people get melanomas removed while I was at W.N.Bull. And I was only there for one year.
- Lighter - a lighter is perhaps the most surprisingly useful tool. not only can you light candles but you can use it to melt wax off your suit or burn lose threads off. It may sound odd, to burn lose threads off, but it is quicker and easier than scissors and will do a better job. Same with removing wax, it is the best way to get it off without too much fuss.
- Pen - one to two pens is useful for obvious reasons. Make sure they work and look nice. This way if a pen on the condolence book fails you can replace it quickly and easily.
- Tissues - these are incredibly handy, such as using them to clean and/or dry your hands. I recommend small sealed packets of tissues. This stops them breaking appart in your pocket and you can just give people the packet if they ask for a tissue. It looks good and is nicer than giving them a lose tissue from your pocket.
- Paper clips - not all that useful but good little tools. Not only can you keep papers together but you can bend them to any shape and use them for other things if needed. One or two should be enough.
- Mints - a few mints, Tic Tac’s, Menthos or whatever, are very nice to keep. Not only are they good for keeping your breath fresh but the sugar hit is also nice after a long day with no food.
- Snacks - you can easily find yourself on the road all day in this industry. And often with no time to stop for anything. This means you may often miss lunch. Some biscuits, lollies or other such snacks are great for long days. Only thing is to make sure it is something you can keep in a pocket quietly and discreetly and that it will not be affected by heat.
- Water - much like the food you will need this on those days where you for a long periods without breaks. And not just in hot weather. Driving in air-conditioned cars for a while is really de-hydrating and can leave you with a headache. So keep a small 250ml bottle of water hidden somewhere.
~~
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