Funeral Fun - Crashing the car

The car, repaired and happy after the accident.

    We all make mistakes and have accidents, some are silly and some are serious.  This one was a little of both as it resulted in me ripping the front bumper almost off a brand new car while trying to get out of a tight driveway.  And it all happened infront of a few hundred people!

   The day started like any other day, I was set to assist on one funeral as it was going to be quite big and in a small church.  After that I was to drive to another funeral to drive around the family of the deceased.  Nothing out of the ordinary so far, just another warm summer day on the job.

    We all arrived at the first funeral, the church was a small one in the Eastern Suburbs.  Quite a nice little brick church actually, built in the 50s or 60s.  Unfortunately there was little to no parking on the street and what street parking there was would be taken up by the hearse and mourning cars.  So I decided to park my car in a small car park on the church grounds, it was out of the way and yet very close and in the shade, a perfect spot if there ever was one.

    The car park was quite tight to get into as the gates were low and narrow, but I managed without any real trouble.  Proud of my little parking spot I headed into the church to help out.  As predicted there were a few hundred people at the funeral, unfortunately the church was quite small and filled up fairly fast.  So I had to run about and set up chairs outside for the extra people.  While many sat down most chose not to, quite common at funerals as people do not want to stand out (so to speak) and so they stand about.

    When the funeral was coming to an end I was told to move my car and head off to my next job.  So I hopped in my little black car and proceded to attempt to get out of the car park.  As I entered I had intended to pull forward, swing left and then reverse out.  This way I could see the low gates in my wing mirrors.  However due to the now large crowd of people I could not pull forward or swing left.  People were standing in front of the car and a large group of older people were sitting to the left.

    This meant I would just have to turn right and drive out, tricky but possible, or so I thought.  As I drove forward slowly people moved out of the way, they knew what I was doing and were happy to move.  However the gate was very close to the car, so I had to move forward and back in little steps constantly, edging my way around to face the gate.  It was actually really difficult, I couldn't see the gates as they were too low and there were people everywhere.  Some people came over to help guide me, saying when to stop going forward or back.

    While someone was guiding me forward slowly the car suddenly hit the gate.  I felt it just before the people guiding me said stop.  The impact wasn't hard at all as I was going slowly, I thought at worst the car might have a scrape and not even a dent.  They said to reverse and turn as I did so.  I tried to turn the wheels but I could feel them blocked by the wall.

    This is where it got ugly, as I reversed back I felt the bumper had been caught on the gate and was being pulled off slowly.  There was nothing I or anyone could do about it, to get off the gate I would have to ripp up the front bumper.  It was quite stressful because this was a brand new fancy car.  Yep, this was a three week old Holden Caprice and worth about $60,000 or more that I was pulling appart.  After reversing bit by bit for what seemed like forever the car was finally free.  As a small consolation it was at least now facing the way out.

     With some relief I drove out and parked in a no stopping zone on the other side of the street to inspect the damage.  I hopped out and want around to the front, the bumper was still attached (thankfully) but not by a lot.  From the passenger side to the middle of the car every clip was broken or pulled out leaving the bumper hanging loosely about 2 inches from the ground.

    To say this was a serious issue was a bit of an understatement.  Not only had I broken the car but I was meant to drive a family in not very long and I could hardly drive them in this car.  To make matters worse the boss was conducting on the second job and I knew she wanted me there asap.  I immediately informed the conductor then phoned the boss and told her the situation.  She said some fairly understanding and kind things but I could hear how annoyed and upset she was, which did not help my situation.  We decided I would drive the damaged car all the way back to Newtown, collect the remaining family car and  head over to the second job.  There would be time if I hurried.

    Well, driving over to Newtown in the damaged car was perhaps the most stressful and worrying drive of my life.  With every bump I felt the bumper hit the ground and hoped that it wouldn't fall off.  But thankfully I made it in one pice, more or less.  I jumped in the other car and raced over to the second job, making it there in plenty of time.  Entering the church I spot the boss sitting down watching the service, so I went over and sat next to her.  After a brief talk she said that now wasn't the time to talk about it, that we would discuss it at the end of the day.

    The rest of the day went like normal, except it dragged on.  I had to work like normal while knowing what had happened, and that I was yet to discuss it with the boss who was obviously very unimpressed.  When I finally made it back to garage the damaged car had already been taken to a mechanic.  So I made my way up to the bosses office for our 'talk'.

    We actually had a fairly nice talk, I admitted I was driving and as such was completely at fault.  As the driver I was responsible for the car and the accident.  She was understanding and sympathetic for my situation.  However I could tell that behind her words she was very unhappy and upset with the accident yet as it was an accident she could hardly tell me off.  So instead she took the kind and sympathetic approach.

    The damages cost almost $2,000 and took a little over three weeks to fix.  All in all it was quite a stressful day and the worst accident I've ever had.  And in a brand new company car!

~~

The Need to Show Power and Importance

    As an undertaker one will get to drive around all kinds of people.  And one thing I found is that people with power or importance did not act like it while those without power acted like they had it.  This is also something many hire car drivers noticed and commented on, so I am not the only one to think it.

    Basically those with power treated me as an equal, not just making conversation but also asking about and interested in me as a person.  I remember as we pulled into the function center for the wake that the quite prominent lawyer I was driving asked if I had time to stop and offer the girl ushering traffic a water if I had time (it was a hot day and she was in the sun).  It was amazing how he noticed and thought of the wellbeing of the staff.  Another time I was talking with a lady about the odd things we bring back from holidays.  She said, quite nonchalantly, how she had a chandelier posted back from Franc simply because she liked it.  To her posting a whole chandelier was on the same level as me posting a letter.  Yet one would never guess about either of these people's status through their dress, body language or attitudes.  They were quite relaxed and saw me as another equal person.

    In contrast I disliked driving 'lower' rich or powerful people.  Those that thought they had power and thus the right to show it off when really they had nothing in comparison to people with actual power or wealth.  These people were much less likely to talk with me let alone make actual conversation.  And they never treated 'us staff' as equals, we were there to serve them.  Not to point fingers or group people but these sort of people were more common in places like Double Bay, Edgecliff or the western hills areas.  Basically 'fancy' and expensive areas that are actually not quite as expensive as other areas.

    What is interesting is that people of a middle class background or lower (not upper-middle class) were also quite nice and relaxed treating others as equals.  They were not rich or powerful and fine with the fact., such as those from the Shire, certain parts of the Eastern Suburbs and certain parts of the North Shore.  Again, just like with the rich people I often had a great time driving these people who made an effort to get to know me and talk with me.

    So it appears that those with lots of power or money and those with a decent amount to little are more likely to be kind and treat people as equals.  On the other hand those with a decent amount of money or power are the ones who are unlikely to actually talk with staff and act as though they are the most important ones to grace your presence.

~~

Funeral Fun - 'The' Father

    This was a day that I will remember for a long time, fondly and with destine.  From the priests pants falling down during the service to the heat and work involved.  Just an unusual job on an unusual day.

    It was an abnormally hot day in the middle of an otherwise wet summer when I came into work only to find that I had an early pickup in the CBD.  This was very bad news to me as I hate driving around the CBD.  It is all kinds of awful to me, unfamiliar, crowded, bad traffic, lights every 2 blocks and if you make a wrong turn it can be ages before you can turn around.  Not to mention the lack of parking.  There would be two cars on the job with the hearse.  One was going to the CBD (me) and the other to the airport (a hire car company we contracted).  So it could have been worse, I would rather the CBD than the airport.

    Being in a hurry as this was an early pickup I did not read the day sheet properly.  So when I arrived at the fancy hotel I pulled out my day sheet only to realise I had no name of who I was picking up, just "collect father" (as in the priest) who was the brother of the deceased.  What could I do, walk up to the hotel staff asking if they had a father waiting for a funeral car?  Actually that was what I did, well, mostly.  I asked the concierge if anyone was expecting a car, specifically a funeral car.  He checked the information and nope, nothing was coming up.  Great, this meant I had to call the office.  The conductor for this job happened to answer the phone.  Which was actually rather good I thought as he was a fairly competent and approchable person.  After explaining the situation to him he looked through the paper work, finding that only the last name of father was listed.  At least this narrowed it down somewhat, at least one would think so.  Yet the concierge had two people checked in by that name and being quite early did not want to disturb them on the chance that it was the right person.  I let out a deep slow sigh, stuck, unsure what the do next.  Then the conductor told me what fathers first name "probably" was.  At least as best he could remember from meeting that father a long time ago.  So again, I relayed this information to the concierge and YES, it was right.  Finally I knew who to collect!  They paged the father and informed him I would be waiting outside by the car incase a parking officer came by.

    After a good 20 minutes the father came out wearing his standard black fatherly shirt.  I took note of how he had the hotel staff open the door, something I find interesting in people.  Most will go for the door themselves, or assume it is automatic, before the hotel staff jump in to open it.  Not this father, he was obviously use to fancy hotels.  Walking up to the car he briefly introduced himself before asking where to put his bag and preist clothing.  I take it and put it all in the car for him and start to open his door.  He stops me and asks very nicely if i could do up his buttons.  I paused for a moment and wondering where this was going when he showed me the button on one sleeve cuff and on his collar.  There was nothing wrong with this request, but it was still strange.  After buttoning him up I let him in the car before shutting the door.  Turning to leave I catch the hotel doorman's eye, he let a small smile slip across his face and winked at me as I got in.

    It was a quick drive, with not much said.  Something I learnt to get use to as some older people (but mostly middle-aged, around the age of my parents) did not 'appreciate' a young person driving them.  Father obviously had nothing against me in anyway, but probably would have just been more comfortable with someone closer to his own age.  He did tell me he preferred that fancy hotel to certain others in Sydney and Melbourne.  That hotel was much nicer to guests, with better service and good rooms.  It cost more than others but was better value.  Yes, this father had enough experience with top hotels to weigh them against each other.

    We drive back to the WNBull office in Newtown, where the hearse and coffin wait for us.  Arriving early we invited him to the reception room for a drink and let our resident bereavement councillor entertain him.  When it was time to get the coffin from our chapel into the hearse father suddenly pulled out a camera and started taking pictures.  Next he started talking about various things.  I could see the conductor out of the corner of my eye, watching the time tick by while knowing that if father held us up that he would get the blame.  So finally father was happy to go.  Right after he went to the bathroom.

    Now we were off and on the way to the cemetery at Rookwood.  The service was set to be in a small chapel by the Catholic office.  A lovely old fashioned little chapel actually.  But it had not airconditioning or ventilation.  And it was already so hot I was starting to sweat in the shade.  Tue I was in a woollen three piece suite, but it was still very hot.  And there is no shade anywhere outside that chapel.  We got father inside and I set up the table for the condolence book.  The other family car turned up, being driven by non other than the owner of the hire car company (Best Limousines Sydney - a great company infront and behind the scenes, with friendly and experienced drivers).  This was rather good as I got on well with him, a very good guy who I knew would do a good job.

    Suddenly the conductor shows up in a hurry.  He tells the two of us how he had to "help father dress".  Assisting with putting on his robes and straightening his clothes.  Then he had to organise the stuff for communion and the prayers for the service.  By now he had done or assisted with all the priests duties (including dress) expect say the service itself.  Next thing I know he hands me a piece of paper and tells me I am in charge of booking the function for the wake.  The family have decided they want a wake at the cafe at the main gate to Rookwood cemetery.  Wonderful, now I will have to wait about to take father back to the hotel.  I could feel the day just slip away.  The hire car driver was actually really unhappy as he got paid by the job, not by the hour and now a three hour job looked like six hours work.  Anyway, as unhappy as I was I rang up the cafe and explained what we needed.  They told me that they were unimpressed at not having it booked and an hours notice not being good.  After a nice chat with the guy we settled on just a few sandwiches and some basic drinks like coffee for a few people.  Here is where I had a stroke of genius out of the blue and would later help.  I catered for 20 people when only 15 were at the service, incase others showed up as they were expecting over 20 people to attend the funeral.

    The service went on, us sweating away in the heat.  It was time for the thurible - basically incense.  My task was simply to take it outside once finished with, nice and easy.  But standing up there I was sweating so much.  To the point where I was wiping sweat back with the sleeve of my suit in front of everyone.  And so was everyone else, it was too hot and we were too inappropriately dressed to care.  I took the thurible, ran it outside and came back in to laughter and the conductor standing between father and the audience with his coat open, much like Batman.  The two then slid off into the sacristy and shut the door before coming back out and continuing.  I was soon told that fathers pants had fallen down right there next to the coffin in full view for everyone.  That the conductor had 'shielded his dignity' and helped do up his pants in the sacristy.  The conductor had to go as far as tucking fathers shirt in as well.  Poor conductor, oh how I laughed at him later.

    We drove around to the graveside, by now it was blistering hot and not a cloud would hang about to protect us.  Even the plastic silver handels on the car were so hot that they were uncomfortable to use.  It was an unpleasant burial that took all too long.  After the burial we drove around to the cafe where sandwiches and cold drinks were waiting.  The family and father moved over toward them eagerly, sitting down for a nice relaxing lunch.  It was apparently clear that they had no intention of inviting either the hire car driver or myself.  Most people may think this to be common, that funeral directors do not eat at the wake with the family.  Yet I found that we often do.  About 25% of the time I drive a family they will eagerly invite me into the wake for some refreshments.  But not this time, they spared not even a though for us and on such a hot day to.  No matter what I was getting fed, my mind was made up.  Unfortunately this was not a buffet where I could sneak food away.  So I approached the cafe staff.  Explaining how hot and tired we were, and that 20 had been catered for but only 12 arrived.  Obviously also a little but off by the family he quietly said that he could slip us a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink each.  Through creativity and asking nicely I got fed after all.

    Quite a while passed before they showed signs of leaving.  A young guy being driven by the hire car driver approached us asking if we could take the father and he to an old grave.  We did not want to at all, but had to.  We agreed, but only if they actually knew where the grave was as Rookwood is rather large (it's the second largest cemetery in the world).  The guy insisted that father knew where the grave was and would show me as we drove.

    Hopping in the car I asked father which way.  He said he was unsure.  A great start.  He would know once we got back to the other grave we had just been to that day, he was just unsure the way back to that grave.  An even better start.  I had images of father driving us all over Rookwood.  But amazingly enough once back at the other grave he took us straight to the street he 'knew' it was in.  As we drove up the street he peered out the window, constantly instructing me "faster", "no no, slower", "no, go faster", "wait, slow down" every few seconds, the whole way.  After going up and down a few times he decided to get out and walk.  So there the hire car driver and I waited, in the sun, in a cemetery on a boiling hot day in three piece wool suits.  Sure by now I had heat stroke, or was at least just sick of the day, I was ready to leave.  At least I was paid by the hour, not by the job like the hire car driver.  He was now watching a three hour job turn into eight hours.  And the airconditioning in his car had suddenly failed.  It was now alternating between blowing cold and hot air.

    Father finally came back, telling us he was ready to go.  About time.  We drove back to the city and I dropped him off at the hotel.  It was an uneventful ride back with us exchanging some basic but pleasant small talk.  I helped him out, turned to get his stuff out of the boot when he suddenly said that "the hotel staff will get that" and promptly walked off.  He never even thanked me or any other staff that day.  The conductor had done his pants up organised so much for him.  I had waited about in the sun for ages, taking him out of my way to an old grave.  Yet he could not even spare a "bye".  I do not expect much from people, not a tip, not even a "thank you".  But the last thing he said to me was literally "the hotel staff will get that".  I have never experienced something so rude and inconsiderate as to be totally dismissed by someone after helping them so much.  After spending the day with them.  I, and the other funeral staff, were just 'the staff' to him, no different to the hotel staff.  Not people but a group 'the staff'.  And yes, I later developed heatstroke, and had to see a doctor, after waiting about in the sun for him at the grave.

    So that is how I got fed for free on a boiling hot day.  Got heatstroke waiting for a father.  Saw a fathers pants fall down mid ceremony and then never got treated as a person by the father I had helped so much.


~~

Car Confessions - Time to Giveup Driving

    While driving family cars I got to meet all kinds of people.  And most were quite nice, many were funny, some were amazing and a few were just unpleasant.  I also got to hear a lot of things, by overhearing or being told.  Some of which was private and will stay that way, but most of it was quite public.

    A good short example is from the family of an elderly lady who had died.  They told me about how she had bought a brand new Mazda 3.  She then only drove it to and from the shops for half a year before deciding to go into a nursing home.  As she would tell anyone who listened she was in her midd 90s and still a great driver, that she was young and able at heart.

    Because the car was only a few months old and with very few kilometres on it she thought it would sell for a fair bit.  But nobody would buy it, even after reducing the price to almost nothing.  Nobody would touch the car, which annoyed her immensely and she could not understand why.  Or I should say she could not see why.  Apparently the shops she drove to daily had yellow bollards by the driveway in and out.  A fact which she missed as she would scrape them daily.  One side going in, the other going out.  So her lovely new car had no pain and was covered in dents from the windows down on both sides.

    Her family who had not seen the car since she bought it thought the whole thing was rather amusing.  After her passing they had to sell it for parts as no other buyers or dealers wanted it.  We all had a laugh in the car about how it must have been just yellow and silver on the sides, a good 'safety feature'. 

    It is hard to know when enough is enough.  When one can no longer drive safely.  She thought she could drive perfectly, in fact she was convinced of the fact.  Yet she obviously did not even notice hitting the bollards let alone their existence.  I told this story to another person in my car who had given up driving as she got older.  She thought it was absolutely hilarious.  In her youth she had written off a car by snapping its axel while cornering "a tad too fast" but as she got older realised she could no longer drive.  

    But not everybody is like this.  There is a sister at a certain religious nursing home who is kind of known to us.  She is just a phenomenal driver.  The first time I was in a cortege, following the hearse, I saw her behind me in a little Suzuki Swift.  Most people leave such large, annoying and dangerous gaps between the cars in the cortege.  I was known for being able to follow the hearse and other cars very closely, closer than most others.  But here was a little old lady about 2 inces behind me at 80km/h, so much closer than I could ever drive.  And she did it safely and with control.  Later that day I dropped off the family and happened to be driving along when she passed me.  A blur of a white Swift was mostly what I could make out before she turned sharply and accurately into the nursing home.  A few weeks later I actually got to see her hop out of the car.  She hopped out with a slow but springy and lively step before grabbing her walking frame out of the back seat.  Then she shuffled off so slowly into the nursing home.  

    That's right, a nun in her 80s who walks slowly with a walking frame can drive faster and better than most experienced drivers.  And definitely better than the public in a cortege.

~~

Funeral Fun - The Crowed and Dementia Lady

    As a family car driver it is quite common to be out and about on the roads all day.  You may get a pickup so early that you barely have time to get changed and go, then finish so late the sun has gone down.  But you get use to it after a while, and do little things to make the day go by a bit easier.  Such as keeping snack on your person to much on when nobody is looking.

    One of these days however had been so long and tiring.  In fact it had been a long week of me racing about doing lots of things in each day.  It was the middle of the week and I had to pick up the wife of the deceased at 13:15.  The day sheet specified that she did not want to get there too early, before the coffin was at and in the church and was to call her on approach 5minutes before I arrived.  And considering the service started at 13:30 and church was literally 5 minutes drive away this could be an issue.  But no worries, I worked out a way that would take up some time, plus by the time she actually got in the car we would not be there too early.

    When it was time to set off I said bye to the conductor, telling him I would not be there before 13:30.  He replied that he knew the situation and would make sure the coffin was in before I even picked her up.  Little did we know things would not turn out this way.

    I arrived at the nursing home, a rather nice middle-class one with lots of independent living.  As traffic was good and the distance short I got there at 13:00, too early.  Again, I was not worried as it gave me time to make sure the car was clean and organised and to phone her without driving.  I had a habit of calling 15minutes before the pickup time and let them know I would be 5 minutes early.  Not too early as to hurry them but definitely not late either.  This was because many a time the family would more about the pickup time about.  So I called at 13:00, informing the wife that I would be there at about 13:10 and there was no need to hurry as I knew the church was close.  This is something I soon regretted.  The wife was a lovely lady, very kind and nice, but mostly checked out.  We later discovered she had milde to moderate dementia and the event of her husbands sudden death exacerbated it.  She had trouble making, and communicating, decisions or information over the phone.  At first she was quite happy with what I told her, then suddenly worried insisting I arrive at 13:45.  Both not wanting to wait about and not wanting to rush over to the church I informed her that the service would start around then and it was probably best she arrive a little before to touch base with the priest, funeral staff and other mourners.  At first the conversation was very pleasant although confusing.  However it began to deteriorate into just confusion and indecision.  So I suggested and settled on picking her up at 13:20.

    After waiting about for ages it was finally time to get her.  I drove in and waited in the car park as instructed.  Eventually the wife and her sister, who was a sister (nun) came down.  We introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries, they were both quite nice people.  And off we went to the church.

    Driving up to the church we come around the last corner and are greeted with the sight of a small crowd around the back of the hearse.  There is the conductor and hearse driver and a bunch of people all doing something with the coffin inside the hearse.  Obviously things had not gone to plan, a fact which I would like to prevent the wife noticing more for her sake than anything else.  So I look about but the only place to park is right behind the hearse and the crowd, right in front of the ordeal.   As I pull up the conductor sees me, races over and opens my door, while the car is still moving.  I was just so shocked, this conductor is such a composed person who is really difficult to rattle.  Yet here he is, opening my door before I even stop to tell me there is a problem.

    Luckily, due possibly to her dementia she never noticed and upon seeing my door open also opened her door, proceeding to hope out as she did so.  Between the sight at the hearse and conductor opening my door so suddenly and unexpectedly I was surprised and still moving slightly.  Thankfully she was not hurt and got out like nothing was wrong.

    After everyone was out of the car the hearse driver, conductor and I went over to the coffin still in the hearse out front of the church.  Without wasting time talking we got a young kid to help us (the deceased was heavy) and took the coffin out, into the church.  The hearse driver and I went to one side where I asked what happened, why the coffin was not in place already.

    He told me that the staff member who was sent to help us had been called away by the big boss when he was only 5minutes from the church.  The boss had him race back to the office to get a payment check for the priest for this job, then come all the way back to the church.  Obviously he arrived late, unable to help.  All four of us were less than impressed, the whole point of having him on the funeral was defeated.  But this did not explain the crowd.  So I asked about why there were all those people fussing behind the hearse.  The hearse driver explained that they had found two people quite willing to help carry in, the young boy wo had helped us and a middle aged man.  However as they had pulled the coffin out the man told them he had bad knees and did not think he could hold the weight.  Seeing him start to wobble the conductor insisted they put the coffin straight back into the hearse.

    When the conductor came out he told us that the priest had already been paid, by the family, and did not need us to pay him to.  he could not understand the cheque that was so important (even if we did need to pay him, we could post the cheque as we have done before).  The conductor then rang up the office, not wanting to pay the priest twice for one job.  In a 'brilliant' move our office insisted he ask the wife about the payment.  Yes, our office wanted the conductor of her husbands funeral on her husbands funeral if she had paid the priest.  Even though I reminded the office and conductor of her dementia.  If she had trouble telling time then organising a payment might not be easy or reliable.  But the office insisted that the conductor ask.

    So the service ended, everyone is out the front milling about and the conductor seized this opportunity to ask the wife.  It was as good a time as any that would be found during a funeral.  He came back over to us after some time with his head in his hands.  The poor lady had no idea one way or the other and was now convinced she had to still pay him.  The priest was set to get paid three times for one job, at about $250 per job that would amount to a nice bit.  Another stick in the score for our offices ingrained inefficiency and borderline incompetence.

    Driving the wife to the cemetery she had no idea and was quite happy considering the circumstances.  Given that the funeral was exacerbating moderate dementia she only had a lose grasp on the situation.  But with her sister the sister looking out for her she would be fine.  However she later wanted to stop for a coffee after the cemetery service, something I did not want to do.  So in another post I'll explain the time I prevented a nice old lady with dementia stopping for a coffee.

~~

Working Funerals - Driving a Funeral Car

Driving a car is not too difficult of a job.  As long as you are in the right place at the right time then the rest is just additional.  To make life easier I will explain the job as I have found it, this should be easier to work the job and to understand those who work the job.  Being a family car driver can essentially be divided into three main parts; first is the pickup and drop-off, second is driving in the cortege and third is working the funeral.  I will explain each in more detail below:

The Pickup & Drop-off

   The pickup is the first impression you will have with the family, obviously this is very important.  The family can vary quite dramatically when picking them up, some people will be absolutely lovely, others will be quite aloof as you are just the ‘driver’.  In any case you will have to judge their mood and act accordingly.  So here is a short procedure for picking them up which should make it easier:

1. Make sure  both you and your car are clean and presentable and have enough fuel for the day.
2. Keep the car stocked with water and tissues, but do not over do it.  You want one water per person and within easy reach, but to keep it discretely out of sight.
3. Know the way.  This is the most important aspect, but also one of the hardest.  Things can change at the last minute (such as an extra pick-up in another location) or unexpected events can pop up (such as construction blocking the street).  You should never rely on the GPS either, but feel free to use it.  This will help in the case of a street with no or confusing numbers.  However if you rely on it completely it may take you a really long or wrong way (such as up a one-way street).
4. Arrive at the pickup no more than five minutes early or right on time.  Never arrive late and never arrive too early.  Arriving too early will make the family feel like they have to rush and leave quickly.  And arriving to late makes you look unprofessional.  So be on time or very slightly early.
5. Introduce yourself by name and who you work for when you arrive )obvious but some forget).  Find your people and let them know where you are.  If they invite you in refuse politely, it is never good form to go in for a coffee or tea unless you know them.  Instead wait by the car patiently.
6. When they get in the car re-introduce yourself very briefly, just your name will do here.  Make sure to point out where the water is and ask if the air conditioning is fine.  People are polite and/or shy by nature so they would rather be uncomfortable than ‘demanding’.  Asking them forces a considered response, they have to actually chose the temperature that way rather than just sit in it.
7. Shortly before arriving at the church, cemetery, crematorium, or wherever the service is being held tell them about the conductor.  Give them his/her name and a very short positive description.

   The drop-off is basically as important as the pickup as this is the last image you will leave with the family.  On the way back from the funeral the family can often be tired, upset, quiet or happy and quite bubbly.  It really depends on the people but how they act when you first pick them up is the best indication of how they will be on the way to drop them off.  Here is a short procedure for dropping off the family:

1. Have the car re-stocked with fresh water and tissues if needed and you get the chance.
2. Make sure you know the way.  Again, this should be obvious but on many many occasions the drop-off destination has changed for one reason or another.  Just be ready for a new drop-off.  A good hint is to look in the order of service (if there is one) for a listed drop-off or wake.

Driving in Cortege

   This is perhaps one of the more difficult parts of the job.  You will be following about 2 feet behind a hearse at a decent speed while talking to people in the car. .  Here is a list of tips for following in cortege:

1. Learn to break with the left foot in automatic or ‘heal toe’ break in manual.  This can really cut your stopping distance, and shaving even one metre off the stopping distance can save you from ‘bumping’ into a hearse.  It may be tricky to learn at first but is well worth it.
2. Keep up.  Perhaps the most important should be the most obvious.  Yet many people do not keep up.  If you are too far from the hearse or car in front you will get cut off.  It will also annoy the hearse driver as they think you are trying to dictate the cortege’s speed, which is their job.  They might be assuming a certain speed to enter a freeway or merge, so if you fall back it could ruin their plans.  Simply keep up and put faith in the driver in front.  You will learn which drivers need more room than others and after time be able to predict when they will break before they break.  If other cars get separated do not slow down (unless directly told to) as it is the hearse drivers job to keep the cortege together, not yours.  Stick to your job and follow the hearse blindly.
3. Stay close and do not let others into the cortege.  While driving below the speed limit people will want to jump into or pass the cortege.  The best way to prevent people from getting into the cortege is to keep up with the hearse, close enough to just see the bottom of its tires.  But be prepared as people will attempt to jump in anyway, sometimes quite legitimately and other times just to get one step ahead.  Do your best to keep people out, but not at the risk of an accident.  Especially near freeway entries/exits it is best to just let the person in rather than to side-swipe them.  Be patient as most people will jump out as soon as they realise that it is a funeral cortege.
4. Indicate, this is often forgotten and so helpful.  You are not alone, so do not drive like you are.  Instead you are part of a bigger group and will need to indicate sooner and for longer.  If you see the car in front indicate start indicating at the same time, do not delay.  It is so irritating and dangerous as a back car to find the cortege has moved over a lane and is about to exit a freeway.
5. Stay in line with the car in front or preferably the hearse.  This makes the cortege look so much better and makes it more obvious to other drivers that you are part of a funeral.  It is easy to follow in a line, simply sit right behind the drivers seat of the vehicle in front.  Follow their line as they go around corners and merge, do not make your own path.  This is very useful when driving in tight driveways and cemeteries as if you follow the car in front and they do not hit anything you should not hit anything either.
6. Do not break the rules to keep up.  If you are about to be separated from the hearse due to a red light do not run it or worry.  They will slow right down until you catch up.  So sit tight, do not speed, know the way and hope they do not turn a corner before you can find them again.  The only exception to this is during a police escort.
7. Never pass the hearse.  Simple, never ever pass it as a hire car driver unless expressly told otherwise.  It leads the way, it keeps the cortege together, it is the boss.  
8. They will pull up to an office in most cemeteries, just sit tight behind, do not pass them and try not to let your people out.  Often (especially after a long drive on a hot day) people will want to go to the toilet.  Do not prevent them from going, instead let them know the conductor will not be long and if they can wait five minutes you will be on your way.  If they do hop out and the conductor gets back first you can do one of two things: Either sit still while the hearse pulls out, and assume it will get the message soon.  Or jump out and let the conductor know the situation.  IT really depends on the conductor which you chose.
9. At the graveside or crematorium stop with about one car length between you and the hearse (if you are right behind it).  Do not stop too far away or too close and always park directly behind it or the following cars if you are a hire car driver.  Unless told otherwise (by the conductor) never park in front, on the other side of the road or anywhere other than in line with the hearse.

Working the Funeral

   Being a family car driver is not just about the driving.  You also have to work the funeral and help the hearse driver and conductor with their duties.  Generally be helpful, get people to sign the condolence books and help the family in and out of the other hire cars (if there are any).  Try to keep an eye on your car, especially if it is unlocked.  And just be ready near it when the family are coming out so they can find you easily.

General Tips for Driving a Car

   Here is some miscellaneous tips and information which may help you understand the job at hand;
   Try and keep the hire cars together.  Even when not in a cortege it is nice to keep any and all hire cars in a neat little row.  So if there are four cars taking the family back to a wake leave the cemetery together, arrive together and then leave the wake together.  There are obvious exceptions to this rule, but general keep the cortege going even without the hearse.

   When parking the car you can generally stop or park anywhere that is safe to do so.  When you stop at the pickup and drop-off you take a risk if you park illegally, but essentially you want to park as close and conveniently to the door as possible.  If you park in a ‘no stopping’ zone on a funeral then you can suffer a fine (as I have seen on a large funeral).  But most parking wardens are quite understanding, so explain politely to them why you are there and you might get away with it.

   I was once told by another very experienced and good hire car driver that the car should be parked about a good foot out from the kerb.  This lets people step into the gutter to get in and out of the car without getting their feet dirty.  He told me how this made it much easier for people, especially the old or ‘unstable’, to get in and out.  This sounded quite odd, but I tried it out all the same and found it to be quite easier for my passengers.  Being able to step up into the car when getting in, or down out of it when getting out, rather than stepping straight onto the foot path was faster and simpler.  Not only does it make it easier for them it makes it safer as they are less lightly to slip and you will not need to help them as much so it makes your job simpler.  I cannot recommend it more.

   Have all the doors open whenever your people are approaching the car.  If you only open the doors on one side people will often slide along the back seat rather than going around the car and opening the door themselves.  It is simply because they will often feel uncomfortable opening the doors themselves.  They are not lazy, really it is not their car and would you feel comfortable opening a total strangers car up?  Having all the doors open (but not the drivers door) on both sides will prevent this and make them a lot more comfortable.

   The GPS is a mixed blessing when driving a car.  You should never ever rely on it, the one in my new Caprice is state of the art, has live traffic updates and the latest maps.  Yet will take pleasure in directing me up a one-way street and enthusiastically warn me of a non-existent accident while forgetting to tell me about the bad traffic I am stuck in.  Having said that it can be an invaluable tool when used right.  Arriving at the street of a pickup and finding no house numbers is quite frustrating, here the GPS will tell you where exactly the house is.  Some conductors and people will not want you to use it as “you are to know the way”.  This is a very short-sighted approach, not only can it help you get about but it is a great talking piece.  You can laugh with the passengers about the crazy way it wants to go or marvel at the advances in technology.  I have had many good conversations about the GPS and let a few people play with it.

   Carry mints in the car, preferably ones which are individually wrapped.  I am not saying that you should offer the mints to passengers.  But after a bit of a drive, about 20 minutes from the cemetery/crematorium people do appreciate the sugar hit.  Be warned, the mints pose a choking hazard, and some might be allergic, so do not offer them to people.  What i recommend is mentioning the crazy OH&S, having a laugh about it and then happening to point out where they are while mentioning that you would never notice if a few went missing.  Just do not offer them to people.

   Always be understanding of the families.  They are in a bad situation, going to a loved ones funeral.  Most will be nice, and most people are good at heart, but a rare few can be bad or just strange.  For more examples of this read about some of my various experiences.  However in those situations my advice is to sit quietly and just do your job, answer direct questions and make conversation if appropriate.

   When making conversation avoid topics such as politics, beliefs/practices, the funeral industry, cost of the job, etc.  If it is brought up by the passengers then go for it within reason.  For example many people bring up the topic of the funeral industry and while I am quite open about it I understand others do not necessarily need or want to hear the details.  So just try to be honest but brief.

   After the funeral and if you are taking the family back to their drop-off you will often find flowers being out in your boot.  Make sure you do not forget to return them to the family, last thing you want is to be racing back to a wake or gathering to return something you forgot.  To help you remember place a petal on your dashboard.  And get into the habit of checking the dash for petals before you say your goodbyes.  Also when the family are exiting the car for the last time check it quickly for anything they might have forgotten, such as glasses, bags, etc.  If they leave something behind in your car you will most likely be the one racing out to return it.

   If you can, place a few order of service booklets into the care before you pickup the passengers.  They will appreciate being able to read it on the way to the service.  However this is rare as they are usually the ones to bring the booklets.  But when you arrive at the service it is a good idea to grab about 4 booklets and hide them in the car for the family.  That way if they run out you can give them extra to ‘send to those who couldn’t make it today’ which they will really appreciate.

   In the end remember that when driving a car as a funeral company you are not really a hire car driver.  You are to keep the family happy which happens to involve driving them.  So always be ready to help them when needed, do not just sit back and drive them about


~~

The W.N.Bull Garage & Trim Shop

    Our garage is an interesting one indeed.  A couple from InvoCare have said that it is the worst in the company, and one of the worst they have ever seen.  The way we need to move several cars to get to just one, the lack of space, the pot-holes, the constant puddles, the dirt and dust and the narrow lane outside that barely fits two cars at a time.  Yet we manage, we run an active and busy business out of there.  We are constantly coming and going on a daily basis.  And for all its flaws I have come to rather like it.

    The W.N.Bull garage has a rich history and an interesting atmosphere.  It was originally a stables when it was first established in 1892.  One can even see marks in the floor where the stable doors would have been.  So it is not very well designed for cars and has not been re-surfaced in a long time.  There is even a petrol pump installed in the mid 1960s.  This was to combat a shortage of fuel due to strikes.  In this industry reliable fuel and cars are extremely important.  The circuit board up in the trim shop is mostly original to the building, with many add-ons over time.

    Long worn wooden stairs lead up from the garage to the trim shop.  The stairs are original to the building and still going.  Our trim shop is where we store and prepare all our coffins and caskets.  Due to no real vents, no fans and only two average sized windows it is a hot place in summer and a cold place in winter.  An absolutely appalling place to work in summer, all the heat from the garage just rises and collects here.  But much like the garage it has a certain charm and I have grown to appreciate it.

    Here are some pictures to help give you a better idea of the 'fun' we put up with every day.  The low quality of some pictures is due to the darkness of the garage.  And they were all taken with just an iPhone.

The third door into our garage. Where we keep the little cars.

The first door into our garage. Where we keep the two transfer vehicles and one hearse.

All three doors to the garage; the closest one on the left is the first door.

From inside, this is the third door and petrol pump on the left.

Getting ready for the morning and washing our cars.

The middle spots and where we keep the trolleys for the blue coffins. The two transfer cars are just to the left, out of sight.

All our little cars and change room at the end. Moving the car in the far corner means moving the two cars on the left.

Our transfer vehicles. the Toyota Hicae van (capacity of 4) and the Holdon Commodore wagon (capacity of 1).

The circle in the floor by the pump is where they would have put the fuel in from the truck.

Our very own fuel pump! It has not worked in at least 20 years.
The sponge on the top left is there to help hold it together.

Stairs from the trim shop down into the garage.

Stairs up into the trim shop.

Stock coffins, trimmed and ready to be used.

Our circuit board. We believe the parts to the top left date back to the 1920s.
Other parts are from the 40s 70s and from more recent times.
I will probably make a post dedicated to this fire hazard another time.

A coffin on the horses to the left is sold and now being prepared. The others standing up are waiting to be sold.

Stairs are to the left, coffins to the right and the lift behind.

Workbench, where we keep all the tools, screws and other useful stuff.

The lift we use to take coffins up or down.

~~

My Car 'Kevin'

    This is a series of photos of my car.  We have done about 3,500km in three months together.  I have found 'WNB004' or 'Kevin' to be a good car, he has his faults and flaws but overall he has gotten me about.  Actually I have been building a pile of little bolts and clips that keep falling off.  Even on the first day he was delivered a couple fell off.

    Kevin is a Holden Caprice, the bottom end of the models.  Yet he is still a nice car, lots of features and a great user interface on the dash.  The best feature was a center mounted touch screen media center.  It has  GPS (with live traffic updates), radio, bluetooth and more.  All on one convenient, easy to see screen.  And it is compatible with all iPods and phones that I tired.  If I could get hold of one of these and install it in my private car I would, it was just that nice to use.  The way the caprice gears so smoothly and quickly.  The way he goes over bumps and pot holes comfortably and softly.  He is obviously a drivers car.  Not a passenger car like my 008 was. That car was so comfortable inside compared to 004.  And while I would never buy a caprice having driven one I would never mind driving them for work.  Or being in one as a passenger.

    Here are some photos showing off Kevin in his full glory (all photos were taken with an iPhone, so some are a bit blurry):

Side view of Kevin.

Kevin filled with frangipani flowers. My car smelled very subtle and great for weeks after this.

The center console showing the GPS feature.  The GPS is pretty good, with live traffic and decent guidance. However I would never rely solely on it.

The center console, showing the radio.

The dashboard. The center screen can be changed to show various things such as speed as a number.

~~

Following Behind

    Here are a couple of photos I took while following cars and hearses.  They show my perspective while behind funeral cars.

On our way to ESMP one morning.

Following behind Panda on our way back from Rookwood.

Following behind Panda again on our way back from Rookwood