Pied Piper Arrested

Peter the front-man for the band, The Pied Pipers, was arrested last night after neighbors complain of a loud series of noises coming from his residence. Peter Piper claimed he'd eaten a peck full of  peppers stolen from the Farmer in the Dell this afternoon and the noise was bathroom-related.

The New Never City police didn't buy his tale, so after a search of Peter's residence, police uncovered what appears to be a children's sweat-shop. 

Peter Piper will be arraigned on Tuesday.

Police were unable to locate any of the 'hot' peppers.

Old Woman Arrested for Running a Brothel

by j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat, New Never News

An old woman from the Prada side of town was arrested last night during a raid by New Never City police. The arrest came after police discovered what appeared to be an illegal brothel being run out of the old woman's home. Police took numerous socks in for questioning.

Tuffet Use On the Rise

By j.a. kazimer
Crime Beat New Never News

New Never Police are concerned with the recent rise in the abuse of tuffets by local teens. "Curds and whey was bad enough, and now this?" declared one parent of a teen hospitalized after a tuffet incident. "It's that damn Justin Bieber. Kids see him sitting on a tuffet and think it's the thing to do."

Police are asking teens to stop licking random tuffets. "It just isn't worth it," Officer Muffet declared.

Rabbit Goes Missing, Rumors of Police Negligence

By Ross D. Willard
Crime Beat New Never News


Famed businessman and advisor, Thomas ‘White’ Rabbit is officially missing as of 6:37pm last night. A long time employee of the Red Queen, Thomas is perhaps best known for his perpetual tardiness due to a schedule so ridiculously packed that, as the Red Queen herself admitted, ‘no three people could handle the workload I give him.’

Mr. Rabbit’s disappearance is made all the more disturbing by the fact that it might have been preventable. According to sources inside the local police department, Mr. Rabbit made several calls to them regarding a possible stalker.

When pressed on the issue, police insist that the reports were ignored due to an issue of credibility. “His description of the woman following him varied radically every time.” One officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained. “Sometimes she was just a normal girl, next thing you knew, she was ten feet tall, then only a few inches. And when we asked if anyone else had seen her, the only names he could give us were from an alcoholic door mouse, and from a crazy homeless guy who sells paper hats for money when he isn’t institutionalized.”

All excuses aside, one thing is clear, if Mr. Rabbit isn’t found, and soon, the police will be explaining themselves to a jury, while Mrs. Rabbit, and her eighteen crying children look on.