10 years - a letter to my husband

Hey babe,
I sat down to write you a song for our anniversary, but my fingers were rusty from disuse on the frets of my guitar and the words were halting, resisting my efforts to mold them into lines and phrases that said what I wanted them to.   There's just too much to say.  Our 10th anniversary is today and I am watching five marriages dissolve around me.  People who have been together as long as us.  It is heartbreaking and makes me angry, discouraged, and a little bit afraid.  If it can happen to them, can it happen to us?

The answer to that is yes.  It will always be yes.  Only three things stand between you and me and the devastating untangling of lives that we have witnessed; you, me and God.  Luckily one of those things will never fail.  I have a love song on repeat in my head.  It's one of our favorite singer/songwriters.  You know the one I mean.  He sang at our wedding before he hit it big and we have danced barefoot in the living room to his love songs.  The line from the song is "Love will be enough." and I am struck by how much that is not true.  I wish it were true.

Love is not enough to hold us together.

Kind of a crappy sentiment for this anniversary, but just wait a minute.  It's not the end of the story.  For the last 40 days I have been doing the "Love Dare", secretly, with women from our church.  Yes, it's cheesy and the movie I found out about it from, staring Kirk Cameron, is even cheesier.  But every day I was "dared" to love you better and given a task to practice unconditional love. You may have noticed a difference, but you may have not.  I'll admit, I failed left and right at loving you well.  But as the days went on, I saw again and again that love, the kind that makes us work, is not something that happens between us.  It's something I choose to do myself, again and again, even when I don't want to.  Even when I have to go hide in the bathroom and scream into a towel to keep from saying every nasty thing that comes into my head, while we are in the middle of an argument. 

I wish I could say that our relationship was somehow profoundly different as a result of this dare.  It isn't.  We are pretty much still us.  Hot tempered, Spirited, Passionate people, surrounded on all sides by kids who seem intent on never giving us another private moment together.  Sometimes, like a few weeks ago during that stomach bug, the only thing "hot and heavy" around here is the washing machine setting.  But I learned something.  A hard lesson.  The love I give you isn't about the love you give me.  It's a choice.  One that I have to make daily when I am tired, or about to go nuts because I gave up sugar for Lent and that has been my drug of choice for...oh...forever.

So I am just gonna shoot straight and say what I know you already know, I suck at it.  I really do.  But I am never going to stop trying.  Never going to stop laying down my pride and my right to be right, no matter how many times I may pick it up in some effort to feel in control of this marriage.  Never going to stop reaching to put my arm around you in the dark, even when of of the kids has snuck into our bed and is asleep between us.  Never going to stop fighting for us.  Never going to stop asking God it root out the character flaws in me that threaten to destroy us.

I love you.  Not with the kind from love songs that says when the "fire" burns out, it's time to move on.  The kind that requires me to become less of me, (not in that unhealthy way that requires therapy) and to love you in a way that will never be easy, but will always be good.

Happy Anniversary, honey.  Thanks for sticking with me this far.

Love,
Me

Cinderella gets put to work in spite of her fancy dress

I have a little copycat who wants to do and say every little thing that I do. This includes stuff I don't want her to do (like swearing and putting on deodorant) as well as stuff that if she were old enough, I'd totally let her do.  This for example:  (dressed in her favorite fou fou dress, of course! The wicked (real)mother puts Cinderella to work scrubbing dishes!! Muuaaahahahah!)

Better and Better

I've said this almost every month of Cora's 21 month life, but this is my favorite age. (I'm sure the next milestone will be my new favorite too)

Every day is an adventure of words, discovering, doing, making, and learning.  Half the time she is running around like a bedraggled street urchin because I can't be bothered to get myself out of my p.j.'s before 10am, much less her!  But we do have the best times.

At a recent baby shower, we talked a lot about second babies and what to expect.  I already know I'm going to be missing Cora when I am with the new one and she is with family or with her Papa.  I miss her when she sleeps or is in the nursery at the Y! 

She is my little buddy and we do EVERYTHING together.  Some things I wouldn't mind having to myself again, like going to the bathroom, but the dynamics will be different.  I'm curious and a little anxious.  I know it will be beautiful however it turns out.

Date Night

Matt and I seem to have very little time to actually spend with one another.  I hang with the babe all day long and when he comes home I talk his ear off.  He spends the day with people and when he gets home, needs a little down time.  It's hard to find a place to meet in the middle!  So Tuesdays are 'date night', even if it's just us, watching a movie we've seen a hundred times, even if I fall asleep on his shoulder at 8pm because I've had such a long day.  Time together is so precious these days.  Now if only we had a couch so we could sit on the same piece of furniture...

Date Night

Tuesday, Matt and I went out for our usual date night, but this time it wasn't the same old dinner/movie/wander around Borders kinda evening. Oh no. We did a little sailing on Percy Priest lake, courtesy of Percy Priest Yacht club's Learn at the Helm program, which is, um, free, by the way. Awesome.

Gorgeous weather, handsome husband, lovely hosts, cold beer, a good breeze. It was quite the night. We returned home to find our baby girl had caused no end of trouble to our sweet friend who graciously offered to keep her while we had a little grownup time! That little stinker. Maybe we'll just find a life jacket small enough for her and take her along one of these days!

My. House. Is. CLEAN!

Nothing like a baby sitter coming over (for a date night!) to make one realize how much grub has settled on one's house. And by one, I mean me. Ahem. I don't think our upstairs bathroom had been properly scrubbed since...oh...I don't know...pre-pregnancy? It was not necessarily 'dirty' (ie, mold, poo, dirt etc) but covered in dust, mixed with old house funk, mixed with my post-baby hair loss giant hair-balls of doom. Not pretty.

The house (all except for my desk...sigh) has been scrubbed within an inch of it's life. It's lucky to have paint left! If you are wondering how I accomplished this with a baby in my care, I'm just gonna be honest, she rolled around on the floor of whatever room I was working on, saying 'la la la la' and chomping on her jingly chicken. Yeah. Not much Mama interaction with her today. Bad mama. Bad. She and I had to keep negotiating my need to vacuum. It's not her favorite thing! But now that that's out of the way for the next long stretch (another year and a half? hee hee!), I'm all hers! It's so relaxing to have it all done. Now if only the dog and I wouldn't shed!

Our original date plans (see right sidebar) got thwarted due to weather, so we had a little Greek food, wandered around a book store, and flirted over a cup of coffee. It was very fun! I love this guy. Smooch!

Here's how I kept the baby occupied some of the time today. She loves this!!

Wave a white flag

I don't know about you, but the Geek and I were fast on the heels of 30 when we finally got hitched. That means we spent a lot of years doing it our own way without the input of the other. It makes for rough times among opinionated pairs, let me tell ya. Our arguments were ones to wake the neighbors for a long time, but one, I remember from a few years ago, was particularly loud and long. By midway, I didn't want to even be arguing any more, but momentum can take me a long way. (So can the need to be right)

In the other room, I still was angry, but tired. I'm not one of those folks whose temper stays up for long. I flare, then it's over. Sometimes were multiple flares, since I didn't used to deal with what is at the heart of it too often (I'm getting better at getting to the root of things now). The Geek is different and in our early marriage was known to stay mad at me for days, sometimes weeks! (He is much improved too, now it's less than an hour, unless I've been really, really rotten, then it's a couple of hours before we can come back together and talk)

So the flare was over, but the hurt still there. Yet my heart longed to be reconciled with my husband. It always does. I didn't want to fight any more. I took a white dust rag, tied it to a stick, and poked that stick around the corner into his office, waving it around. I heard him laugh and knew it was safe to come in and talk things through, or at least say we could talk then through in a bit, without the angry words still hanging in the air.

I've thought about getting rid of that truce flag, since we have enough clutter in our house without one more thing, but I keep it. It reminds me to give up. To give up my right to be right, to give up my right to punish my husband for wrongs I think he may have committed against me, to give up my right to hurt him with my words and MAKE him see my point of view. It also reminds me to surrender. To surrender my marriage, my temper, my opinions, my fears, my hurt, and my neurosis over to the only One who can do anything about them.

At the Drive-In

The Geek and I have a regular date night. Tuesdays. It's the perfect night, with no meetings, no church, no Friday night partaaaays (or get togethers to watch Sci-Fi with friends - yes, we do that. Let the Nerd comments ROLL!) or any of the other stuff that tends to fill up the week. Sometimes, our date night consists of the latest episode of 'The Seeker' (which at this point neither of us are exuberant about, but is an OK show, if not a bit predictable. It's something to do after we've gotten the baby bear to sleep that does not require a babysitter - ie, FREE!)

So after several thwarted attempts to do something a little more fun than watching a computer screen, we opted to watch...well, a bigger screen.

Now, I grew up on drive-in movies. It was the cheapest way to entertain a family of 9. Yes, I said 9 (nine!). Great children's night double features included some Disney flick like Benji followed by something for the grownups like The Incredible Shrinking Woman. After the first flick, Mama and Papa would have us all go to sleep on the mattress that was in the back of the Suburban (before seat belt laws, folks) while they watched the second feature. The never knew we could see it in reverse on the back window of the suburban!! We kids decided not to tell them. :)

In this fine tradition of taking ones kids to the movies, but making them sleep through the actual film, we took the baby to see Star Trek (which was awesome, by the way!) We drove out to the Stardust Drive-In, fed the baby and put her to sleep just in time for the dancing hot dog! (We totally stole this idea from other friends who post their goings on on Twitter) Great movie, great company, great Date!!

Anniversary Photo Booth!

The Geek and I go every year on our anniversary and take a photo in a photo booth. It sometimes takes a couple of tries to find one that is not out of order, so the photo isn't always EXACTLY on our anniversary, but close. Here's this year's photo!


Here's to five years of 'ups', 'downs', and 'all arounds' with arguably the best man I've ever known. We don't always walk the easiest path together, but we stick it out, no matter what. And since we have been together 5 years, here are 5 reasons (but there are many more) why my husband is awesome, in no particular order.

1. You love me so very well and I've never been anything but beautiful in your eyes. (even swollen up and pregnant!) That is a rare thing among husbands.

2. Your sense of humor keeps me laughing through it all.

3. We made the most beautiful baby this year. Seriously. Could your genes be any better?

4. You love God and you show that in the most honest of ways.

5. You are quite possibly the smartest and most imaginative man I know. I love to see that side of you. I can't wait to have you explain how to play board games to our children!

Back again - 5 Years - and other thoughts

A week of the grid was hard! I admit, I cheated. I was supposed to be tech free, but the Geek and I watched a movie for date night and when I got REALLY bored, the baby was in bed, I didn't want to sketch anymore, I had finished my books, and still had nothing to do (and didn't feel like playing my guitar), I watched a show on hulu. I wrote in my journal, I sang to my baby a lot, I resisted going to websites to read. It was good. I realized that I can use anything to escape life and I could remove every possible distraction and STILL retreat into my head. It's safe there!

So no profound mysteries solved, but I did take more time for life, instead of living here on this tiny screen. After awhile, I didn't miss Twitter. I still don't miss it! In fact, I may not turn it back on since we are cutting out all expenses, and knocking our cell phones down to the lowest possible plan (which won't include texting, so I'll let you all know when that starts!) It's good to be back and have the 'interwebs' be a tool, rather than my life.

On to more news...

1. The Geek and I celebrated 5 years together as man and wife. I'll post more about that later when I have a fun picture to show you. 04-03-09. Oh yeah! It happened while I was off the grid and you have no idea how hard it was not to make a post then and brag on my man.

2. Still no job. Hubs had 2 interviews last week and neither panned out. Keep praying! I'm headed to the WIC office on Wednesday - more about this later too.

On the cheap - date night!

Last night the Geek and I went out for our Tuesday night regularly scheduled date. Being as we are BROKE and the Geek is unemployed, doing it on the cheap is crucial. As luck (or kindness) would have it, my good friend over at Beyond the Fried is a Bzz Agent and this time around is testing out the 'Guiltless Grill' items at Chili's. She hooked me up with some free entree' coupons and off we went!

I used a little of my (quickly dwindling) saved allowance to spring for an appetizer and the Geek ordered a soda. All told, with tax and a 15% tip, our very filling dinner came to a whopping $16.61. Whoo hoo! Then we came home, put the baby to bed (yes, she came on our date) and plunked on the floor (our couch is waiting for the Geek to get a job before it is repaired) to watch the film Stardust, courtesy of Netflix to which we subscribe anyhow. We had a great time! For less than $20. Take that, economy!!

Christmas means carnage!

Remember that from Babe? I do. Christmas isn't like when I was a kid, it's crazy!

We decided that the Geek's family was close enough to visit without too much chaos and crying baby. We intended to rent a car, but due to new policies about having a credit card (and we have none) we weren't able to. So, with a prayer for the car and our safety we took off for Atlanta into a storm that we kept driving back into. We'd stop to feed the baby and the rain would stop, then we'd take off and catch up to the storm. I drove the first leg, slowly and nervously since I'm a little night blind and with rain added, it's only worse, then the Geek drove the second leg. We made it all in one piece and with only minimal poop, spit-up and crying baby in the car.

Then it was a whirlwind of family, food, feedings, fun, freaking out, and frazzled mamas (and other things that start with F, I'm sure.) I got most of my Christmas postcards addressed and in the mail. Cora was passed around enough to make even the happiest baby have a little meltdown from being handled too much. (All in all, she did ok, but we are recovering none the less and she has been grumpier than usual for the last couple of days.) I got to spend great time with my nieces and nephews, plus have good and connecting conversation with my sisters in law. The Geek read the Christmas story to me as I fed our little girl at midnight on Christmas day.

The Geek disappeared into the basement with his brothers for hours on end to play some game which involved a load of fiddly bits of cardboard, dice, and plastic men. Two days (not continuously) and into the wee hours of the night later, he came back to his mom's house tired and a little worse for wear, but had fun.

Worn out, we decided to head back a day early, but not before meeting with some friends for dinner. It was wonderful to catch up with Nick and Sarah, see how big their babies have gotten and have them oooo and aaah over how small ours is still. I forgot to take pictures. (sigh)

Now we are back home with our fuzzy children, still not tackling the laundry that we acquired while away and I am longing for leftovers! Merry Christmas to you all. Sorry I didn't get this posted sooner. If you think of it, pray for a job for the Geek soon. Severence won't last forever!

See that twinkle in his eye?

How can I resist those blue eyes?! So handsome.

See where blue eyes get ya? Just kidding! Just another belly shot. This one from last week (32) too.

Sunny Semi-Fall day claims another two victims

The Geek and I have to go snuggle and sleep. Too much stuff went on today! Supporting Race for the Cure - Breast Cancer race...(the Geek wore a pink boa and lost his voice cheering the runners), supporting friends at their groovy shop (Ghia had a great day at the Festival of Cultures!), meeting a friend to pick up a fancy camera with which to shoot my OWN maternity photos. Yes, it will be a feat, but we are broke and no one else can do it for me right now. Now to snuggle and watch a Harry Potter movie and fall asleep WAY too early, exhausted by the day. I need to take more photos, but am not really liking my point and shoot right now.

'Birfing' class and an eventful day

The Geek and I had an eventful day yesterday...

The bug had developed pinholes in the gas tank from rust that finally were leaking so bad that neither of us could ride in the car for the fumes. So we trundled it of to see the old guys at the repair shop. 87 bucks later, she's back!

I had my glucose tolerance test yesterday where they gave me this very sweet beverage to drink. It actually reminded me of a very sweet version of McDonald's Orange drink. Do they still have that? I remember how it was supposed to be the 'kids option.' Might as well hook them up to an sugar water IV! Being a sugar addict, this was like giving me a dose of crack! I needed more! I found myself at Krispy Kreme having a custard cream chocolate covered doughnut. I actually bought 4 total, but brought some home to the Geek so I wouldn't go into sugar shock! To no avail, I passed out in my chair while working for about an hour. OK, not passed out, but I did crash from all that sugar and slept for an hour while I sat in the la-z-boy with my laptop on my lap (which I was trying to use to work).

I went for a massage here: which was freaking amazing!! My friend Jenny at Pied Piper recommended her and she was great. She had this thing called a 'preggo pillow' where I could actually lie face down! For the first time in months, I felt like I didn't have this huge belly attached to my front. The babe liked it too. She was very chilled out the entire time and didn't kick me once while I was on my belly, which she usually won't quit doing if I even am HALF rolled over on my side too far. PS, if you go get a massage, tell her you heard about her from me. I get a free massage! She was also a foster mom for Freedom Farms and had 4 juvenile kitty babies who were very friendly and snuggly, not to mention great tips on how to train Gizmo not to get on my counters!

Finally the Birthing Class begun yesterday evening. I realize that in everything I try to control the outcome and I admitted as much to my Geek. I had no doubt that I'd read every piece of material available to me about labor and delivery, but had some fear that my sweet Geek would try to wing it, which for things that involve blood and medical stuff, I felt was a bad plan. So I asked him to go to birthing class with me. He was actually very willing and excited about it. I need to learn to trust him to do what is best for him...why can I not get this lesson! But we went and enjoyed it, we are among the minority with 9 boys, 5 girls and 2 unknowns expected among all the couples. One is a twin set who's father made the comment that his wife was going to be in charge of all diapers. We booed and mocked him sufficiently, don't worry. She didn't show us a video of a birth last night, but she warned that one was coming. Yipe. It reminds me of a principle that my friend has. For every 'freaker outer' there must be a 'calmer downer.' I am a little freaked out by the whole process, but haven't let myself go there because I know the Geek is the squeamish one, so if I freak out, who will calm him down? How very co-dependant of me.

It is a scary thing for me. I am worried I will wimp out and beg for a C-Section or drugs, or that I'll pass out from the pain. Not that I've ever been a person who had trouble with pain or medical procedures in the past, but this is an unknown. It is a bit freaky. You'd wig out too if you saw a computer generated image of how they were going to cut you from vagina to rectum to get a baby out of you! (exhale...crash)

OK, I'm back. I think the class will be good for me to be prepared and talk about what I'm afraid of. Now if I could just get the Geek to put on the pregnancy sympathy belly!

A beautiful end to a beautiful day

Shakes, you Rock Star you.

It began with sweet time with my Geek in the afternoon, then off to a lovely picnic (courtesy of one gift card - Thanks Skip and Hilary!) followed by Shakespeare in the Park for a rousing political and stripped bare production of Shakespeare's Coriolanus. Which I had never heard of, but did bring about much political discussion between the Geek and myself which then lent itself to spiritual discussion. Such a complex political play! It seemed eerily like the current political atmosphere! How great that something written nearly 400 years ago could continue to be so relevant. The Geek liked all the battle action and fight scenes plus the acting and the political statement it made. (but I imagine the action was high on the list given my sweet Geek likes movies best when things blow up) I liked the complex nature of the plot, plus hating the villans, which Shakespeare always pushes the audience toward so adeptly. The weather was perfect, cool and clear. Some thoughtful person burned a small 'OFF' candle near us and bugs weren't a problem at all. We had comfy camp chairs, a camp table, and lovely dinner, all in the twilight of one of Nashvegas' most lovely parks.

Aside from the little conglomeration of college freshman very nearly acting out Myspace or facebook live in front of us before the show started, it was quite an enjoyable experience! (and even they added to the social commentary) The pre-show band regaled us with 'community dance music from the 1300's to the present.' I loved how the folks behind me labeled them as 'bluegrass.' Hee hee! Such lovely 'new to Nashville' ignorance. I resisted correcting them. Check the band, the Contrarian Ensemble, out here.

Now it is nearing midnight and I am wondering at the wisdom of consuming nearly half of the 'half-gallon bucket' of sweet tea offered by the fried chicken supplier of our picnic. Too much caffeine, I'll bet. However, during a rush on the ladies room, I got a free pass to the front of the line due to 'obvious pregnant belly' proceeding me where ever I go. YAY! The perks are sweet. I'm off to attempt sleep. Hopefully my dinner will wear off soon and I can rest. The Geek's brother is coming tomorrow to stay with us for a week or so, so I fully expect the two of them to geek out the entire time. I may not even see him! (hopefully that won't happen)

Cats refect life...

This is what the Geek and I look like when he's having a hard day:

more lolcats?

Sausage toes (and fingers) and BFG pigeon

I officially had to take off my wedding ring for fear that I would swell too much to wear it and have to have it cut off. I feel kinda naked without it. The Geek and I went to an ultrasound this morning to follow up on all the craziness from before and it seems all is well. The good-intentioned tech tried to get an image of her face, but it's always weird since they aren't taking a real photo, but a sound image, so you can see her bones in her arm and face. Creepy!

The Geek has been reading The BFG, by Roald Dahl to the belly and me. It is hilariously funny to read. I tend to have a strange vocabulary when I am being silly and we have been realizing that this vocabulary came from BFG speak that I heard when my Uncle Steve read me and my siblings this book as children. I was perhaps 6 years old. Strawbuncles = strawberries, etc. I had forgotten where I learned these references and now we look at each other and laugh when he reads a word that I've been saying all these years, but he'd never heard of before me.

As for the sausage toes, I have them. The doc, today, said it probably won't go away for the next 3 months and I just have to get used to it. DO NOT WANT!! I drink enough water to make me float away, but still, I am poofy. Ah well. I get to have a massage next week and it seems to help some with the swelling.

I meant 'As Is'

Just thinking of you today...

For better or worse
Even when the 'worse' is more than I can handle some days and I want to go back to the 'better'. Even when the world seems to plot against us and I want the easy path.

Richer or poorer
Even when the 'poorer' makes the 'worse' sometimes happen and I spend too much time daydreaming about the 'richer' days to come (or not to come)

Sickness or health
I shuffle (soon to waddle) back and forth between these and still you are here. I am grateful. I'll stick around for you too.

To love and to cherish
Cherish:
a: to hold dear : feel or show affection for
b: to keep or cultivate with care and affection
Cultivate:
1: to prepare or prepare and use for the raising of crops; also : to loosen or break up the soil about (growing plants)2 a: to foster the growth of b: culture 2a c: to improve by labor, care, or study : refine <cultivate the mind>
Cultivating requires pulling weeds sometimes. Weeds of doubt, fear, and resentment so the garden can bloom. I gotta work at this. I gotta give love a place to grow. I'll keep cultivating and loving and when I fail at it, I'll try again. I'm glad a new planting time comes every year.

Till Death...
You ain't gettin' rid of me and I ain't gettin' rid of you!! (even when I'm a pain in the tuckus or vice versa)

Ani DiFranco said it so succinctly...
When I said...when I said I'll take you, I meant...I meant As Is.

First Mother's Day!

Sunday morning I woke to a sweet 'Happy Mother's Day' from the geek, who then rolled out of bed to make me bacon and eggs - except we were out of bacon AND eggs. So cereal...out of milk. This whole making breakfast for me for Mother's day was starting to look grim, but then, I remembered the $20 in tips I got from the ice-cream shop the night before! We quickly dressed and headed to Noshville (our favorite Sunday morning restaurant) for ham and eggs and griddle cakes! We didn't get to sit at the bar with Linda (our favorite waitress) but it was good all the same and we enjoyed the food immensely (until I ate the silver dollar potato latkes, which were fried, but I've never had trouble with them before - guess babe doesn't like grease in the tummy)plus I got a little corsage to wear! Happy Mom's day to all you moms and moms to be!