Wave a white flag

I don't know about you, but the Geek and I were fast on the heels of 30 when we finally got hitched. That means we spent a lot of years doing it our own way without the input of the other. It makes for rough times among opinionated pairs, let me tell ya. Our arguments were ones to wake the neighbors for a long time, but one, I remember from a few years ago, was particularly loud and long. By midway, I didn't want to even be arguing any more, but momentum can take me a long way. (So can the need to be right)

In the other room, I still was angry, but tired. I'm not one of those folks whose temper stays up for long. I flare, then it's over. Sometimes were multiple flares, since I didn't used to deal with what is at the heart of it too often (I'm getting better at getting to the root of things now). The Geek is different and in our early marriage was known to stay mad at me for days, sometimes weeks! (He is much improved too, now it's less than an hour, unless I've been really, really rotten, then it's a couple of hours before we can come back together and talk)

So the flare was over, but the hurt still there. Yet my heart longed to be reconciled with my husband. It always does. I didn't want to fight any more. I took a white dust rag, tied it to a stick, and poked that stick around the corner into his office, waving it around. I heard him laugh and knew it was safe to come in and talk things through, or at least say we could talk then through in a bit, without the angry words still hanging in the air.

I've thought about getting rid of that truce flag, since we have enough clutter in our house without one more thing, but I keep it. It reminds me to give up. To give up my right to be right, to give up my right to punish my husband for wrongs I think he may have committed against me, to give up my right to hurt him with my words and MAKE him see my point of view. It also reminds me to surrender. To surrender my marriage, my temper, my opinions, my fears, my hurt, and my neurosis over to the only One who can do anything about them.

Let it all hang out...ie, perfect people are no fun

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine from church tonight. She shared a lot of things, but the thing I latched onto the most was this idea that people at church are 'perfect.' They look perfect, act perfect, speak perfectly and try to present that side of themselves as the only truth. And for someone who feels like they don't have it together, this can be pretty intimidating.

My response to her was this:
If I can be that good, why do I need a savior? I don't know about you, but I can't do it all right. I can't be that person. I mess up, I am rude, mean, dishonest, selfish and I yell at my husband (just for starters)! I'm not trying to be those things on purpose, but this is the nature of my broken and sick self. Not that I revel in it. I don't enjoy being a crappy person. In fact, I would like to take a magic pill so that everyone would like me, I'd never offend anyone, I'd be perfect and Godly, cool and wise. But until that pill exists (and I venture to say it never will) I'll just have to turn my days over to someone bigger than myself, trusting that he is doing something in my heart that I may not see, recognize, or understand, but that will turn out exactly as he planned for me. Not that I even do that very well!

A sigh of relief

The Geek and I took a tour of the hospital we are giving birth in the other night and we came home thoroughly disappointed and frankly worried about our choice. It all seemed so 'chop change, chop change' to us. The more I heard about giving birth in this hospital, the less I wanted to give birth there! They seem to have this conveyor belt of baby birthing and I felt swept up in the frantic pace of it all. For example: all the test they'll need to run on her as soon as she's out, the rate of interventions, and all of the things they do there to make things run smoothly! The large postpartum rooms were a thing of the past which was a HUGE let down, since we had been so excited to give birth in a nice place. About 2 hours after delivery they move you to a MUCH smaller room and to us, they seemed a little dinky...ok VERY DARK AND SMALL after the grandeur of the big birthing suites.

I had a melt down about it all that night with tears and fears (a Bio-Chemical tantrum, as one daddy to be site put it - and this poor dad understands too) and taking it out on the Geek, who agreed with me, but was dealing with it in his own way which happens to be WAY less vocal than me. (I feel like I need to say I'm sorry for my craziness every day! I really am sorry honey, even though that doesn't make up for how I hurt you when I'm crazy. I want you there every minute of our delivery, even if you do it your own way.)

I called friends that night and talked about it, but really was not very reassured. I finally talked to a friend today who is both a mother and a nurse. She listened to everything I was freaking out about and then talked me through each thing. She had a lot of both technical and experiential knowledge, plus she knew me and knew I am not the Freaking out type, so she addressed my concerns as valid rather than giving me the 'you're just pregnant and crazy' line (WHICH I HATE!). Here's what she said:

1.The postpartum rooms were now smaller because they had a lot of trouble with the large birthing suites. Because they were so large, they could accommodate a lot of post birth visitors, (15-20!) and it interfered with the mother-baby bonding. Some mothers nearly had nervous breakdowns because they felt like they were never alone and never allowed to rest. Although I know I'm an extrovert, the 48 hours I'm in the hospital (some of which will be labor and delivery time) are not the time to have lots of friends come visit. It's a time to rest, recover, and be with the Geek and our baby girl. I can have friends visit later. PLUS, our due date is in the height of RSV season which can be dangerous for our little bean.

2. What was it I was needing that made me think I had to have lots of people around after the birth? We talked this through and it led me to some fears I have about differences in personality between the Geek and I. The Geek = introvert, recharges through time alone and quiet. The Musician = Extrovert, recharges through time with others. What happens when the Geek (24 hours or so into the process) needs to recharge? I'm on my own. At least that's what I tell myself, so I need others there. But really, I don't know how I'll be in that situation. Maybe I'll just need sleep! Maybe I'll be enamored by my little girl and not want anyone else around! Maybe I can talk to the nurses, or lactation consultant, or pediatrician (they'll all be around)! Maybe I can let go of trying to control how the Geek will be and just let him have his own labor experience too. It helped to hear about her hubby (a GREAT guy and Father) who stuck by her for every moment of the first delivery (which he realized he could not do again without risking his mental health), fell asleep during her 2nd delivery and for her 3rd went home to sleep in his own bed! (after the baby was born, of course) It's just what HE needed to do. She wasn't thrilled about it all, but he needed to take care of himself. I forget that part. I'm the center of the universe, aren't I?

3. All these natural birth books, while great, neglect to remind the mother to be that birth, in the rest of the world, is still a harrowing and dangerous experience for women and sometimes the natural approach just wont work without serious risk to mother and baby. On her recent two week trip to Ghana, two babies died under the care of midwives and the two mothers almost died. It may be natural, normal and common, but it's exhausting, intense and sometimes (even in our medically advanced country) a dangerous experience. I get caught up in the natural side of it and forget that while I don't need to be afraid, I need to be ready to give up my ideals about what I want if it means putting me or her at risk.

4. To grieve the fact that it won't be all I have dreamed up in my head with my mama and husband there and everything all peaceful and natural. They may not have the capacity to be there for me like that, and that's OK. Even if I don't like it, it's still OK and I'm allowed to be sad for awhile. It's amazing how it all comes back to accepting what I'm given and finding joy in it.

I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I was heard, I was comforted, I was understood and in the end, it's about more than just what I think I want. Thanks H-, for all your wisdom.

PS. Sorry if this has become a 'pregnancy blog.' It's just what is on the forefront of my thoughts these days! I'm sure more will come into my head later.

Politics go to 11

Over on my local neighborhood google group, someone posted a link to this article about why people vote republican and then summed it up. I responded there where the discussion had sunk into an insane insult fest, but thought I'd put it out there for y'all to read. Brace yourself...I wax very prosaic.

"Did anyone actually read the article? I did. It was very well
thought out and incredibly well presented. If one only read the first
half then yes, the conclusion would be as (the original poster) put it:
"Folks like things simple. Too much thought and analysis is scary and
too complex (= boring). Even when the scary and too complex is the
reality and the simple is just a big fat lie, folks tend to choose the
simple. And if the ones who prefer the simple are in the majority, the
republicans win. Isn't that simple?"

But upon reading the whole thing, I found that this is the more key
factor that he addresses:

"In several large internet surveys, my collaborators Jesse Graham,
Brian Nosek and I have found that people who call themselves strongly
liberal endorse statements related to the harm/care and fairness/
reciprocity foundations, and they largely reject statements related to
ingroup/loyalty, authority/respect, and purity/sanctity People who
call themselves strongly conservative, in contrast, endorse statements
related to all five foundations more or less equally. We think of the
moral mind as being like an audio equalizer, with five slider switches
for different parts of the moral spectrum. Democrats generally use a
much smaller part of the spectrum than do Republicans. The resulting
music may sound beautiful to other Democrats, but it sounds thin and
incomplete to many of the swing voters that left the party in the
1980s, and whom the Democrats must recapture if they want to produce a
lasting political realignment."

To sum up that paragraph, the way a conservative sees the world is
actually more complex, not more simple. There are more factors
involved than what is just fair and right and how I care for others
around me. I find that, as a conservative, the things that are not
addressed in the politics of the Democratic party matter to me and
therefore I seek a party that will look to those things. While I
agree with many parts of the liberal doctrine, there other issues that
I weigh out.

No one would call me a fool or a moron if I respected my parents and
took care of them in their old age, in spite of whatever mistakes I
felt they had made in my upbringing. That is an example of authority/
respect. It's not a 'submit to my man' (ask my husband if this
happens! Ha!), 'the man', 'the church' (which allows me a place to
both question and be questioned in my beliefs) or any other kind of
thing.

No one would call me a fool or a moron if I told you that my Marine
baby brother is being deployed to Iraq tomorrow (which he is) and I
respect him, his choice to serve in this way (he joined AFTER we were
at war), and the military branch he serves and the work they do (which
is not all bad, in spite of what the media may say) because I love him
and he is an adult who chose to do a brave thing. You bet your sweet
butt I'll be there waving a flag when he comes home. This is an
example of ingroup/loyalty.

Lastly, no one would call me a fool or an idiot if I made it a
priority in my life to love and respect my husband as a partner and
friend and to be faithful to him and him to me in return. It's what
tons of relationship books are based on. It also doesn't make me a
fool to believe in something bigger than myself and to strive toward
that as an example of how to live in peace, care for others, and love
myself and others well rather than harming others, and serving only
myself sexually, emotionally and materially at the expense of those
who need me (these people are regularly lambasted here on the
listserve as 'degenerates'). Yet these are examples of purity/
sanctity.

I did find it interesting that Haidt stated that (my paraphrase) the
tempting part of his initial diagnosis was the seduction of claiming
the 'moral high ground' that the pleasure of diagnosis could lead to,
"blind(ing) us to what I think is one of the main reasons that so many
Americans voted Republican over the last 30 years: they honestly
prefer the Republican vision of a moral order to the one offered by
Democrats."

There have been a lot of assumptions on this listserve that people
vote republican because they are (I am) duped into it, because they
are simple minded and run away from the challenge of thinking through
things, because they are closed minded, racist, scared, and ignorant.
Yet I know for me, that is not the case. Haidt so very succinctly
states that "Until Democrats understand this point (the three other
principles of morality that come into play for conservatives), they
will be vulnerable to the seductive but false belief that Americans
vote for Republicans primarily because they have been duped into doing
so." and I tend to agree with him. There are more issues at stake for
me and that drives me (and many like me) to do more homework, to ask
more questions, to dig deeper, to not be sucked in by either sides
brilliant speeches, but to think for myself.

Great article. I would have loved to see some intelligent discussion
about that instead of the crazed free-for-all that resulted."

The Musician

Satire not too far off center

Required reading for this blog post:

An Immodest Proposal: Time for a sex tax

After you've read that come back. It's your homework! hee hee.

While I understand the irony and amusement of this work of satire, I don't think it's a too far fetched idea to tax industries, such as the 'adult entertainment' industry that do nothing for the economy besides indulge our pleasure oriented natures only. The New York Times this morning had many a tale of large financial institutions collapsing or on the brink of collapse with a government unwilling because they are unable to bail out these institutions. Yet if internet content is any indication of a thriving industry then the porn industry is raking it in. This industry brings no tradable goods to the market (unless you consider the human body a tradable commodity - which I and millions of others do not), and so creates a drain in the economy.
Here are a few examples:

• Power stations can't build up to full power as men (and women) stay up all night running their computers and downloading images and video
• Spouses lie in bed for hours waiting for the distracted spouse to come to bed, creating a rift between couples, leading to problems in the marriage and eventually divorce
• Hours wasted in unproductive activity that neither adds to the economy or adds to the true enjoyment of the participant as it only serves to create a need for further activity, not an actual satiating effect.

A universal drain on the economy. So why not tax that! Think about it. We already have luxury tax. Doesn't this fall into that category?

The rest of the things they could tax would be too controversial to ever be passed through in a vote, however much I might agree with them. The Geek says I'm losing my sense of humor (and short term memory) as I embark on the last stage of pregnancy, and perhaps that is true. Even this blog post is not funny. sigh.

Driveway from street to alley not such a great plan

We have been living peaceably in our house for over a year now. No incidents, no crime, no nothing. Not even petty theft from the porch! (although I wouldn't want that grotty Weber Kettle either) The only thing that continues to aggravate me and the Geek is the use of our driveway as a cut through. It runs from the alley to the street and serves as a nearly mid-block short cut. I'm sure the renters who lived here never minded the foot traffic, but it is not OK with us.

I've been known to stick my head out of the door many a time and yell for someone not to walk through our driveway. The convenience of having a second exit from the driveway is slightly outweighed by the fact that people in the yard could find tempting ways to break in. Our basement door is visible if you walk through, and so are the back windows. The Geek and I had a discussion this morning about whether or not we should shoot them with his airsoft gun if we see them. I vote yes (and would be perfectly within TN state laws to do so as long as we had a sign) and he votes no, since he doesn't want to bring the wrath of any local gangs down on our house.

What do you think?

Memoires of an (American) Geisha

I am boggled. Seriously. I understand wanting to not have school loans to pay off, but this is insane. A woman, under the pseudonym Natalie Dylan, is auctioning off her virginity to pay for her schooling. She uses a pseudonym for safety reasons, but puts her face up all over the web...um. How does that work?

In Memoirs of a Geisha, the main character basically had the same thing happen to her and so this reminded me of that book. Dylan is quoted as saying,

"I don't have a moral dilemma with it."
"We live in a capitalist society," she tells us. "Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?"

Yipe! As for the obvious fact that this is prostitution, she is taking it to a place where it's legal to do this sort of thing. Nevada.

She's already earned her degree in women's studies and hopes to start a masters in Marriage and Family therapy. WHAT?! Would you want this woman trying to fix your marriage or family? And with a degree in women's studies, you'd think she'd learned a little bit more about women and how their bodies are not a commodity. I am flabbergasted. I'd like to be out of consumer debt and maybe have the house paid off, and Dickerson Rd is just a few short blocks away, but there are just some things that aren't worth it.

This sad case (and I say that because she obviously needs some help) of a woman undergoing all these tests to prove she really is a virgin, but what about the nasty guy (and yes, I think any person who pays money for sex is nasty and sick) who actually wins the bid? Is he going to be tested for STDs? How many times before she actually lets him touch her, since it takes awhile for some STDs to show up? What if he doesn't want to use protection? There are too many variables here!

At best (if you remove the moral issue, which I can't really and what about this being an intimate act between two people! How is an action winner intimate?), this is reckless and stupid, at worst, it's a violation of everything that human rights and women's rights advocates have worked against for years and shows a serious lack of respect for ones self. Plus the fact that it's being touted by it's proponents as a good thing, applauded as a savvy business move. Sheesh. How is one expected to bring a baby girl into this world?

On the other hand, maybe she's hoping for a book deal and a page turner of a thesis paper out of it.

Great Quote...wish I coulda learned.

"You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie." Becky - played by Rosie O'Donnell in Sleepless in Seattle.

Sigh. I wish I could give that lesson to my unmarried friends. But then, I don't think I was capable of learning that lesson when I was single. Oh why do we always think WE will be different, WE will do it better than it has ever been done before? I was watching the aforementioned movie and at the end when they just hold hands and it's like 'magic,' I found myself thinking..."what crap!"

When my sweet geek first told me he loved me, I'm sure I got this wide eyed look on my face and my blazingly fabulous response..."Do I have to say it back?" I mean, I liked the guy and all, but it had been 2 weeks! I wasn't ready for the 'L word.' I fell for him soon enough, but at that moment, I didn't 'just know.' Now, 4 years later...love is something you give, not something you have. Love is something you do, not fall into. It's actually a lot more sane! I don't have to rely on the feeling first to do the action. I do the action of love and the feeling follows. Amazing how that works.

I had a friend who was dating a guy who called and said he'd be late for their dinner date and just like that, she decided he wasn't interested enough to be on time so he couldn't care about her that much. It meant he wasn't the guy for her. I didn't say it at the time because she didn't ask me what I thought and I am attempting to make it a habit to not give unasked for advice, or feedback, but it seemed a little...oh what's the word...demanding?

OK, that's harsh and I hope if she happens to read this, she doesn't get her feelings hurt (or if she does, she'll call me and tell me), and in all honesty he may not be the guy for her, but seriously. If I based my relationship with The Geek on standards like that we wouldn't have made it past a month of dating! People screw up, people hurt you, people choose the wrong thing! If they keep doing it, regardless of how you feel, then evaluate and perhaps give them the boot, but to not give someone a chance to treat you how you'd like to be treated and expect them to read your mind? It's more like love in a movie than love in real life. I wish I could go back to myself in the past and give me this advice. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Don't believe the chick flicks ladies!! IT'S NOT REAL!!

Before I dishearten all you single gals out there, let me say this: Love is great! It has beautiful shining moments (like last night when I had a CD on and a great song started and I asked my Geek if we had a song and he looked at me and said 'this one' and danced with me in the dining room).

But chick flicks don't show you what happens when you share a bathroom with someone who stinks it up for the first 20 minutes of the morning! Chick flicks don't show you what happens when your sweetie chooses his friends/hobbies/work/TV over spending every waking moment fawning over you. They don't show what happens when neither of you wants to do the dishes and it's not your turn.

They don't show you how love works after the hormone cocktail that accompanies 'falling in love' ie Dopamine, Adrenaline, and Serotonin followed by Oxytocin (which oddly enough also enduces labor) wears off and you are attached to this guy forever in spite of the fact that he leaves his clothes and stinky socks on your bedroom floor (not that you and I both don't do that, honey)! Don't wait for 'love in a movie' to happen to you. It never will. You'll just end up bitter that your romantic/sex life has no resemblance to what you have been watching on a silver screen all this time. (Don't even get me STARTED on how sex in real life is nothing like the movies...sheesh)

Olympics end...and I have some thoughts on it.

Olympics close with a bang Photo from Reuters here

There was plenty in the news with the Olympics these past few weeks. From alleged underage gymnasts from China, to the Cuban who kicked the ref in the face when he was disqualified from his Tae Kwan Do match. From record Gold winnings by USA swimmer Michael Phelps to little old ladies sentenced to a year of re-education through labor for applying to many times for a permit to allow them to protest their homes being requisitioned for the building of the Olympics complex. So much for those designated 'protest parks' that...hmmm....China permitted no protests to occur in (denied every application for protest)!! Imagine that.

China may have pulled off a heck of an organized and beautiful Games, but at what cost? Grownups having to wear adult diapers during 'dance practice' for the opening ceremonies because they weren't allowed to take breaks? People placed under house arrest before the openings to prevent them making a stir and promote an illusion of harmony? Bloggers arrested for writing about protests? Factories shut down before the games begin to give the air a chance to clear with no recourse or pay for their workers?

Communism may crank out amazing athletes (I'd be awesome at some sport I was taken away from my parents and made to practice since the age of 3), but I'd rather have the basic human rights that our muddled up country can give us, rather than be censored for my opinions and muscled around for the sake of appearing perfect. Yay freedom!

Aarg, Aarg, Arg! I don't want my president to be Sexy!

Just reading the news...I know, I know, I said I'd give it up. Here's a quote from an article in the LA Times here:

'"Yet when it comes to Obama, street artists around the country are falling into line. "Obama's a rock star, he's got a great brand and he's a very sexy candidate," explained Ian Bourland, a University of Chicago graduate student who is one of the few academics studying recent street art. "It's his race, his politics and his charisma."'

The last 'sexy' president (JFK) was a philandering git who entered history as a permanent martyr because he was assassinated! No matter what his politics, or what he did for the nation I have no respect for a man who can't be faithful to his wife, or at least own up to it, say it was wrong and choose another path. Can we not have another sexy president, please? In case you are wondering, I have not yet chosen a candidate, but crap like this just kills me! Let rock stars be rock stars and presidents be presidents. Please.

SLOW DOWN FOR SCOOTERS!

For the second time in as many months, someone in my neighborhood has been pulled out in front of while riding their scooter, severely injuring them.

The first was my friend and neighbor who was forced to lay down her pink moped rather than slam into a car that decided that she didn't really have the right of way, or didn't see her, or some such crap. Her blog has photos of the blackened jeans that could have been her flesh! She was a mass of bruises and soreness for weeks! The guy said he didn't see her. Like that's an excuse!

Se second was a well known musician here in town named Will Hoge. He was nearly killed on his scooter when the driver of a van pulled out in front of him. The news ran the story last night here. The local paper ran a story revealing it was Will Hoge today. He currently is the hospital in EXTREMELY critical condition. The doctors have hope that he will make it. The driver of the van? Not a scratch. He said he never saw him.

The worst part of the news story was the shining example of tactlessness Sgt Bob Sheffield of the Metro Police who said,
"...the burden of safety is on the motorcycle rider [or] scooter rider. They are in, I mean, on a much smaller vehicle and, you know, a lot harder for people in passenger vehicles to observe 'em"

Gosh. I guess Will was just not being careful enough! How dare he drive down the road with his lights on and expect people to actually look before turning in front of him. I guess he was going TOO fast (it's 30 mph on that part of Main St.). Too bad Will's thoughtless actions as the 'smaller vehicle' nearly cost him his life! Since the 'burden of safety is on the...scooter rider,' I guess it's his own fault that he hit the side of a van! Oh this makes me mad! Never once did the newscast mention that the driver would be held accountable for his actions! What about failure to yield? What about reckless driving? What about nearly killing a man? What about depriving the world of any future great music from this artist? Nope. The burden falls on him. Oh, I could SPIT!

Will Hoge's music is something you have to hear. Check it out. Buy the album. He's gonna need it to pay the Doctor bills. Listen here.

Work Schmirk and other thoughts

I'm back to work and once I actually got there, I felt OK. It was just the prospect of going back that worried me. I also let my family know that I wouldn't be attending the family reunion that has long been planned. I just can't do two 10 hr drives in one weekend! I wish I could. It looks like it's going to be loads and loads of fun.

I had lunch with a friend today and I told her my (many) opinions, but I've noticed one thing while pregnant, upon which I shall expound. People who are not pregnant LOVE to regale people who are with stories of triumphs and/or horrors of people who they have known who had such and so happen to them. Like the woman who was back in her size 2 jeans by the time she left the hospital. Or the woman who worked/ran marathons/bench pressed her weight in iron/ fill in the blank here...until the DAY she gave birth and then, bounced back to herself so quickly you'd never even know she gave birth. I used to do this to pregnant people too. I guess I thought I was either:
1. Giving them hope or
2. Trying to convince myself that I would not be reduced to a weak, blubbering version of myself.

For the record, I now know that it makes pregnant women feel like crap, or like they're doing something wrong. At least it does me. I always thought I'd be so great at it (being pregnant) and the truth is, I'm not. I am the weak, blubbering version of myself (which I hated for a long time). But the other truth is, I'm not alone. If pregnancy was easy, they wouldn't write books, websites, movies, TV shows, and whatever else form of media the world can supply to help women get through it. There wouldn't be any humor about the raving insane beasts we turn into when growing a human. I tell my stories to other mothers and say how I feel insane (pregnancy tantrums, sobbing at 2am because my muscles are cramped up, sleeplessness, worry, jumpy about babies, crying over the news, crying at commercials (and the olympics - I'd do it too if I had TV!), and guess what...they have all been there too!! I'm perfectly normal and normal for me may look like insane to everyone else, but it's OK. It's where I'm supposed to be.

So to those women who ran marathons etc up until the day they gave birth and then sprang instantly back on the bike/treadmill/elliptical machine...bless your sweet over achieving hearts! Why did you not give yourself a break? It's OK to look like the human equivalent of an ice-cream cone! It's OK to take naps. It's OK to not look like a supermodel within 2 weeks of birth. I no longer envy you. I wish you had the opportunity to relax and enjoy the place you were in life and the life you were bringing into the world, even if your rump was a dimpled mass for longer than you'd like.

Politics make me want to move to...anywhere else

Oh, I am so over all this whining and back and forthing! He said this and my feelings are hurt...can you believe anyone would dare do such a thing...I have all the answers, you should listen to me...I've spent more money on this campaign than most of you will earn in a lifetime!! You should listen to me...

As if a single branch of the Government (Executive - see I was paying attention in class) could actually move the mountain that is bureaucracy! All the promises in the world amount to a drop in the bucket unless the rest of the system backs him up.

I keep swearing off reading political news, but it keeps dragging me back in. WHY?!!?!

I wish I had TV to watch the Olympics instead.

Things to do at 4:45 am

It's early, but I can't sleep. There comes a point where it's more painful to lie there than to get up and do something else for awhile, giving my poor beleaguered shoulders a break for awhile. It's funny the things that come to me while it's dark still. Things I should have done or could have done or day-dreams (although, granted, it's still night). For example.

1. How long would it take us to completely pay off our debt if some benevolent stranger or long lost, decidedly rich relative decided to pay off our house note. Answer? 18 months (including all the school loans left! Yay!
2. What should I have done all those years ago when a lover (read boy-friend, I just like the term) was torn about whether he should marry me and instead of deciding for himself, broke down, cried, and told me he was going to kill himself over it. At 2 am. While we lived 600 miles apart. In retrospect, I should have politely turned off my phone for the rest of the night and when he called in the morning politely informed him what a manipulative, spineless person he was and promptly ended the relationship thereby saving myself years of therapy and tons of angst filled songs that didn't end up on any album, such drivel as they were. Here's the catch 22. Without all those years of therapy, I'd never have been able to make a healthy decision regarding this situation and would have been doomed to repeat the same angst filled struggle with a new fella of my infinitely poor choosing. Ah...irony. Instead I got my Geek, which was a sweeter deal by far. He has all his hair and thinks I'm gorgeous no matter how much I weigh or am sweaty, fresh from the gym, or puttering around the house in a raggedy old man-robe tied smartly around my expanding belly. It's rather nice.
3. How to build an island with a dishwasher in my kitchen and how many friends should be able to be seated at that island at one time? Cost? How long will it take to save that much money? Is it a good investment? Considering dishes are a huge point of contention around here since both of us hate to do them and we currently do it the old fashioned way -soap, water, dish rack (no, not sand and a river, you smart alec!), YES.
4. Pondering why it is that I am always hungry a this hour of the night/morning. So hungry it wakes me up! C'mon girl! Give your mama a break would ya? Can't you live off the fat of the land (or in this case, belly) for about 8 hours? No? Alright. Break out the mixed nuts.
5. Squint at the clock. I'm too tired to put on my glasses, but I am too blind to see the clock without them. I've found that if I let my eyes tear up with tired eye-watering, and squint, with my left eye closed, I can one time out of five, make out 2 of the numbers on the clock. Provided they are not numbers that could be another number with the addition of a bar or 2. Such as 2, 6, or 5 (which could all be 8, depending on the level of bleariness) or 0 for that matter, or 3. OK. So it only works if the numbers are mostly 4's. Crap. I have to let go of my secret hope that pregnancy might improve my vision. Heck, it's making my feet bigger. A girl's gotta have dreams you know.
6. Drag back upstairs to hubby who is blissfully unaware that I am even missing and attempt to sleep again. At least until it's daylight for heavens sake!

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself

via this flickr user

The first time anyone bought me flowers, I felt as if they had done a wasteful thing. I mean! In my family, spending $40 on something that would die in less than a week was practically a sin. In fact, I think it was a sin. I insisted on a potted plant from then on. If you know anything about me, I cannot keep potted plants alive. So these potted plants would die in about 2 weeks. At least it was more than one! I thought.

But there was something in me that loved flowers. I even worked for a time at a florist in college. The smell of roses reminded me of my mother and a perfume she used to wear (which I cannot wear because my skin Ph makes perfume useless). I liked the look, the feel, the smell, the idea, all of it. So in a wild whim, I began to buy flowers with other peoples money. I was a nanny at the time and discovered a wholesale flower shop. They never protested me buying flowers for their house and since it wasn't my money I was using, I didn't feel wasteful. Just extravagant. In a good way. After I stopped working for that family, I used that same wholesaler to buy my wedding flowers. Then, after the wedding, I realized I could wait a lifetime for flowers from my fabulous Geek who doesn't show love in that way. (He's great at a lot of other ways so this is NOT a criticism)

SO I began buying them for myself. Me and my local grocery store have an unspoken agreement about roses ('cause I like them best). I walk in the door and there in front of me is the floral department. I grab a cart and do a drive by of the flowers. Sometimes they are cruelly overpriced for wilted crap, so I pass. Other times, I just need a little color in my life (and hopefully the cat won't eat them too soon), so I pick out the ones I want, leave them there in the water, and come back for them when I am done shopping.

I take them home and process them (cutting, putting in water, etc...florist shop talk) and there they sit. A beautiful reminder that I can do things for myself to bring joy and not wait with baited breath and high expectations for the people around me to supply that. Now, granted, the cat has already broken my bud vase this time around, but my sweet geek saved the beautiful pale peach rose from certain wilting and put it in his beloved snow man mug. While not quite as elegant, just as sweet to me.

So, here's my life tip: Don't wait for others to supply your joy, buy YOURSELF flowers (because you are worth having beautiful things in your life!)

OK. I'm done being opinionated (for tonight)

Currently in my kitchen - pale peach roses and yellow roses. YAY!

Way to deal with the BIG issues...

This was my letter to the editor of the Nashville Scene:

"In the face of city-wide hearings to possibly cut multiple bus routes and limit AccessRide (disability services with MTA ), and with MTA facing a budget shortfall of over 2 million dollars due to the price of fuel, I pick up a copy of the scene to fine the riveting headline story of...a Burger Contest?

Come ON! How is this news? Maybe the Scene got big advertising bucks for this story, or some food critic got to eat burgers at a ton of cushy joints, but with gas prices rising this summer and the city in DESPERATE need of a greener and cheaper alternative to everyone driving individual cars, one would think that the Scene, usually the champion of the these 'big bad city plans to screw the little guy' type of articles, would pick up on this. No, it’s not the typical Scene reader that will be affected by these cuts, but it should be. What better way to encourage all of those environmentally concerned, carbon footprint reducing readers to help both the city’s growing smog and transportation issues than to make an appeal to the readers to show up at those hearings, make their opinion know, perhaps get ON the bus themselves and see what they can do for their city.

If that’s of no concern to you, how about the City council’s plans to close the only public pool in the Cleveland Park neighborhood that sits between Dickerson and Ellington Pkwy? Plus the removal of the ONE bus route that could actually bus the children of the neighborhood to the closest pool (East Park), the # 30 line, which is on the docket to be cut. Hmm. These issues seem way more important than whose burger tastes the best and which of your employees got to clog their arteries by feasting on ground beef. How about paying a little attention and not sitting silently by while the city’s children, disabled and people of lower socioeconomic status get the shaft?"

OOOOooo. It burns me up sometimes! If you have an opinion, please attend these public hearings:

*NOTICE OF PUBLIC HEARING*

The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) will be holding four Public
Hearings on the following issues:

* Fare adjustment for MTA regular and AccessRide services. The
Metropolitan Transit Authority is currently considering five possible
scenarios for fare adjustment ranging from a 5 cent to 25 cent increase to
the base fare as well as associated increases in other fare media and
passes.

*Possible removal or reduction of some or all of the following routes:

· Route 13 – Sylvan Park

· Route 31X – Harpeth Valley Express

· Route 1 – Vine Hill

· Route 45X – Oak Hill Express

· Route 16 – Madison – Old Hickory

· Route 30 – McFerrin

· Route 37X – Tusculum Express

· Route 8 – 8th Ave. South

· Route 41X – Golden Valley

· Route 18 – Airport Express – Elm Hill Pike

· Route 2 - Belmont

* Possible reductions in service on all MTA routes, including the
elimination of night service, Saturday, Sunday, and Holiday service, as well
as the Night Owl service.

* Possible reduction of the ADA AccessRide service to areas within 1.5
miles of regular service routes.

The public hearings will occur at:

6:00 PM, Monday, May 5th, 2008 at the Rochelle Center – Building-A
Conference Room, located at 1020 Southside Ct.

12:00 (noon), Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at the Downtown Library,
Conference Center, located at 615 Church Street.

5:30 PM, Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at the Downtown Library, Conference
Center, located at 615 Church Street.

6:00 PM, Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at the Madison Branch Library,
located at 610 Gallatin Pike.

* *

Additional meetings may be held and will be announced at a later date.

* *

Please note that attendance at these meetings is not required for comment.
You may also mail your comments to MTA Planning Department, attn: Public
Hearing Comments, 130 Nestor St., Nashville, TN 37210, or fax your comments
to 862-6208, or email them to mta.publichearings@nashville.gov. Comments
will be received until May 14th, 2008.

For ADA accessibility information contact:
ADA Coordinator
130 Nestor Street
Nashville, TN 37210
(615) 862-5950

Truth Bombs

I've been hearing a buzz about a new TV show which I won't name because I don't want to promote it, but basically, people tell the truth for money and a computer tells them (and everyone else) if they are lying or not. After watching a clip on a friend's blog, I traced her links back through her friends to a church that will be doing a series based on that show.

Here are a few questions he posed:

• Do you let your parents cause problems in your marriage?
• What’s more important, your ego or your spouses feelings?
• Do you seriously not know why your kids act like they do?

There were many more along the way. My question is this:
How can these questions (the ones in the church blog, as well as on the show) help a marriage unless they are asked in a safe environment? I have been a Christian since childhood and yet, still, I am broken and in need of a savior. Everyone I know (including me!) wishes they had married someone else sometimes, everyone wishes they had never had kids sometimes (I'm sure I will when I DO have them. I am quite selfish sometimes), everyone wishes they had another life sometimes. It's how we've fallen.

We aren't content with who we are and what we have because we use those things as a substitute for God. The perfect family, husband, job, boyfriend/girlfriend, figure/body, income, status will never be enough, so of course those things will let us down. If my husband knew every sick, unhealthy, or crazy thought that came into my head, it would only serve to break his heart, not promote intimacy. Is it truth with love, or a truth bomb? Both bring the facts; one heals and one destroys. This is what I think about when a thought comes into my head. I surrender the crap and try to live in the what the truth can be if I give my life and self-will over to someone bigger than myself. Maybe then, those thoughts won't serve to damage those I love, they will become testimony to grace and forgiveness in my life.

I am so not cool - and I like it.

While waiting for the geek to finish working today, I had some time in a local bookseller to browse (ie. read articles for free). It led me to some questions...for starters, why is it called the "swimsuit edition" if they aren't really wearing bathing suites, but paint...hmmm. I digress.

I happened upon a mag called Adbusters -which I had encountered before. The cover was graced by my least favorite human, but I didn't let that get me down because it was about her NOT being cool, which made me happy. (I should probably dissect that with my therapist, but right now, I don't care, so there...read on) Its an ad free magazine, except for the spoofed ads they do. Pretty wild stuff.

The article I lit on was the one about cool, which gives a brief history of cool and how cool became corporate...then flopped.

Here's a quote from the article "The Reconquest of Cool" signed "for the wild, Kalle"

"Forty years after the corporate takeover of cool, we find ourselves again in an era of extraordinary cultural and political upheaval. Global warming has us running scared, an epidemic of mood disorders is eroding our confidence, and as the War on Terror morphs into an open-ended World War IV, we are feeling more insecure than ever.

Suddenly, people are waking up in droves from the dreamland of corporate cool. We’re realizing that ever since we were little babies crawling around the TV sets in our living rooms, we’ve been lied to, propagandized, and told incessantly, day after day, that we can find happiness through consumption. That’s why, like rats in a Skinner box, we’ve kept on pressing that BUY button – millions of us marching in lockstep, all dreaming the same consumerist dream."

The answer? I'll let you read their opinion, but I realized that I am not cool! I have not answered to the corporate call that tells me what I should look like, own, smoke, drink, listen to, wear etc. In fact, on a scale of corporate cool, I rate a very warm 1 (10 being the "coolest") I tried the cool factor. I did! I bought an ipod (shuffle) and put my favorite tunes on it (Beatles) and flew home to TX and somewhere between Nashvegas and the the triple G, I lost it on the plane! My cool lasted about 3 weeks. I couldn't really see paying for something twice that I had saved up my fun money for and had not really seen the lure of it. When I want to listen to music, I put on a CD, or an mp3 set from my little flash drive that I can plug in and listen to at home, on my laptop, at work. When I walk I like to hear the noise of outside. When I travel, I people watch, or write, or listen. I couldn't pay for that self-imposed bubble a second time.

Here's why I'm not cool: I have no real sense of fashion. I will not contort my poor toes into heels just so my legs look longer. I'm kinda frumpy most days and don't consider myself particularly beautiful (although the geek begs to differ), don't listen to the Clear Channel music feed of choice when I don't enjoy that style of music, don't like to own much beyond what I need (although clutter still accumulates somehow). But I write good songs, I write good prose, I have good friends, I am learning to know myself and in doing so, get out of myself and serve others, I love well (and when I don't, I recognize my failings and ask for help), I create, I dream better than the movies and I like it. I'm glad I don't have to wake up from the dream of the lie today. I'm sure there are other things I am in denial about, but for today, I am so not hot right now, and that's pretty cool.

Grammar can be sexy!

A friend recently (gently) ridiculed the usefulness of a chapter in this book for boys, about grammar. (Odd, seeing as his wife LOVES grammar and if I'm not mistaken is a bit of a comma cop -tee hee!) I happen to think grammar is quite useful, even if I don't have the best habits about it here, as is noted by my 'reading level' evaluation. Which, incidentally, just dropped to elementary school! However, in praise of the semi-colon, I was delighted to read this article in the New York Times recently...
I also love that it's the best way to wink (in an email), without being too risqué.

The Nashville Scene Vilifies Downtown Dwellers! Film at 11.

The Nashville Scene ran a story this week entitled “Outlawing the Poor: Nashville’s new class war pits the down-and-out against up-and-comers and their powerful allies.” BTW, if you are looking for unbiased press, well, The Scene has never been the place to find that. This free weekly rag is rife with stories about some big bad corporate/industry entity oppressing the little guy. This week’s headline is no different.

Quick Sum up: The new panhandling ordinance (which does not really 'ban' panhandling, only puts limits on it) is affecting the homeless and there has been a crack down on unlawful behavior (trespassing, public drunkenness), leading to fines and the like. But the ‘worst’ offenders of all are the people who want to go to work and home without being harassed on the street or having someone sleep on their door stoop. God forbid! Chock full of fun 'Facts' written with an interesting 'spin'...like this one.

"Metro itself spends a relative pittance—roughly $2 million a year in local tax money—on services for the homeless, mostly to fund a free health clinic and to pay caseworkers in a pilot program helping 35 people find jobs and housing. There are an estimated 2,200 homeless people in Nashville.
At the same time, the city has given $15 million in tax incentives since 2002 to developers building pricey downtown condos. And it would have been more except that Tony Giarratana, who ignited the downtown residential market by building the Viridian in 2006, actually walked away from a $12 million city financing package for his latest project—the 65-story Signature Towers, a posh condo/hotel skyscraper that would rise higher than any building in the Southeast. By rejecting the city’s money, he was relieved of any responsibility to include a few affordable apartments."

Is it me or is $2 million over the last 6 years ($12 million) on homeless services, pretty darn close to $15 million (time line not noted) on tax incentives toward downtown investors? Why write it this way unless it's intended to engender sympathy toward one party over the other? I wonder if the writer of this article lives downtown, or if, like some of the other writers I know at The Scene, he resides in some posh house on a hill in Belle Meade/Bellevue with his opinions and swimming pool.

In 2002 I lived downtown in a 2nd Ave. loft that faced the river. It was a sweet setup. True, there was the bar downstairs (before it moved) that would play live music every night even though my landlord promised me it was only 3 nights or so a week, but by far, it was the best (not to mention coolest place) I’ve lived, to date! (I watched the Cake concert at Dancin' in the District from my windows the night the Thermal Plant burned!) I had a roommate who was about as big as my little finger and we shared the one bedroom apartment We had to park 3 blocks and around the corner away from our building in a lot that became ‘not our lot’ as soon as their was an event. Our monthly parking pass was invalid, for example, on Game Days or for any festival like Fan Fair. It was an act of God to get groceries home, because back then, there was no little Grocery Store near Printers Alley. The closest store was near Metro Center!

I also busked on the streets on weekends and while I frequently was handed a hot plate of food by some well meaning church lady who assumed I was homeless, I also met many people in the mean time, both as I played and when I walked Freckles. There were always the drifters; young hippie type kids who wanted to live ‘off the grid’ i.e., stay gone so long that they could be declared legally dead (7 years) and give up their Social Security number, the drunks and the druggies missing teeth from their crack habit and/or lack of dental hygiene, the harmlessly slow or mentally ill, the scam artists who tried to play me over and over again thinking I wouldn’t remember them. I lived downtown!! I saw them every day! As if I wouldn’t remember that they were once again trying to get some money for gas/ bus fare/ whatever unique thing they had thought of, but was the same story every time. My favorite was the 'dime guy' who asked everyone for a dime. Just a dime…it reminded me of the line from the song ‘Brother, can you spare a dime?” Even the buskers had their spot, their story, their spin. The big black guy with a chair who played like a (very) drunk B.B. King on 2nd Ave, you didn’t go in his territory. Rumor was, he was pulling down $500-$600 per weekend. There were the crazies too, the ones who wandered around yelling to themselves and everyone else, who didn’t want your pity or your money. I was glad for a big dog when they came around.

My roommate (the tiny one), who must have had a sign that said ‘easy target’ stuck on her had people follow her for blocks harassing her, try to push their way into our building at night when she tried to come in the giant (locked) blue front doors. It got to where she would sometimes call and I’d go meet her and let her in so she had ‘backup.’ This was not a good situation.

But my point is, there are no real "bad guys" in this scenario. Just people. Humanity bumping up against each other, and sometimes rubbing each 0ther the wrong way. For me personally, there is something intimidating about someone who is willing to live off the grid. Someone who doesn't have a permanent location where I can send the usual authorities if they hurt me, won’t leave me alone, or try to break in. They live by no rules, and I like rules, like I like walls in my house. They keep out the stuff I don't want, and keep safe the stuff I do.

In those days, on my walks home, I walked like I knew exactly what was going on, striding with my ‘don’t F*%# with me’ stride. Truth be told, as a woman, alone on the city street at night, I was scared, a lot. But, even now, it’s not guilt (as the homeless kid in the article said) I feel when I see them. I'm not having an 'existential crisis,' because I have a car and a bed and they don't. It’s more like staring at a gaping hole in the universe. Here is someone who has lost all connection with family, old friends, education, the world as I know it. 'What brought them here?',' How did they get so lost?', and mostly, 'Could this happen to me and if it did, would anyone notice?' These are the questions I ask.

So...to sum up (with many rabbit trails)
Is limiting panhandling a good thing?
Maybe. It sets up safe boundaries for me to protect myself and not live in fear. I understand it's not convenient, but it's still allowed, just not near bus stops, schools, ATMs, or businesses that don't allow it, and not after dark. Basically at places where people have to/need to be, places that need to be safe, and times that lend themselves to trouble.

Is wanting to feel safe in my own home, or in my own ‘front yard’ (even though it may be a sidewalk) bad?
No. And kudos to those who do something about it! If these people were lounging on someone’s front stoop in any other part of town, asking for money, or to just to sleep there, almost anyone would give them the boot. Why does it make a downtown dweller a 'jerk' to ask for the same thing?

Does there need to be something else in place to help the ones who truly want help?
Definitely. The city of Nashville should have a big part in this, and, I think, eventually will. And for those who choose to live this way, for whatever reason, some rules in how they bump up against humanity are not bad.