Last bump shot before I knew about TTTS.

I woke on Friday morning and felt so tired. I had no enthusiasm for getting up and facing what was going to be a scorching hot day, with a work presentation to organise first up.

I snapped this last bump shot at home. I look sad, and I had big black smudges around my eyes. The bump seemed to be taking over my whole body, pressing up against my ribs and down into my bladder.

At the end of the long day I headed to a dental check up, and oddly when I was tipped head down in the chair I felt some relief from the pressure and aching.

Rob and I headed home for a dinner of steak. I ate some but didn't really feel that hungry. 

After we went to bed I tossed and turned and could not get comfortable at all. I couldn't sleep, just moaned every so often as I changed position. Poor Rob. In the end I had to rush to the toilet to be sick. I hadn't been sick for months. This is going to sound a bit gross, but I realised the food was undigested, as if there wasn't even enough room inside my stomach for food. I remember crying, and asking Rob if I was okay. He rubbed my back and reassured me, cleaned me up and helped me back to bed.

My night didn't improve, I lightly dozed, but continued to toss and turn.  

A little about Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome

During that last week at work I was rushing to get tasks ticked off my list but I grew increasingly uncomfortable. I really hoped I was just being a first time mother hypochondriac and that it wasn't anything serious. I asked pregnant friends if they ever felt tight across their tummy. I even rang the midwives for a chat, but I guess I played it down, describing my symptoms but not mentioning just how scared I felt.

I wasn't really sleeping at night. I struggled to find a comfortable position. Sitting up in the car or at my desk was awful, it caused a continuous dull ache below my bump. One day I remember realising that the babies movement seemed to be weaker. I lay down on the (dirty) carpet under my desk and felt reassured when I felt stronger kicks against the pressure of the floor.

There was of course a scary possibility at the back of my mind. It had been there nearly the whole pregnancy. We found out very early on, at about 6 weeks, that we were expecting twins. We had sat basically speechless while my obstetrician showed us those two tiny babies and their heartbeats. I had asked him if he was joking, whilst Rob wanted reassurance there were only two! A couple of weeks later my Doctor shared another piece of news; the babies were sharing a placenta, confirming I was carrying identical twins. I asked him if this brought any added risks. He admitted that yes, one condition could develop, twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS), but only about 15% of monochorionic (shared placenta) twin pregnancies developed TTTS. My Doctor reassured us that he would keep an eye on the babies frequently via ultrasound to ensure if it happened it was caught early, but not to worry too much as there were treatments.

That weekend I made the mistake of googling TTTS, and immediately wished I hadn't. I felt sick enough as it was with morning sickness, but reading about the possible outcomes of TTTS made me feel even worse. 

I quote wikipedia "As a result of sharing a single placenta, the blood supplies of monochorionic twins can become connected, so that they share blood circulation; although each foetus uses it's own portion of the placenta, the connecting blood vessels within the placenta allow blood to pass from one twin to the other. The blood can be transferred disproportionately from one twin (the donor) to the other (the recipient). The transfusion causes the donor twin to have decreased blood volume, retarding it's development and growth, and also decreased urinary output, leading to a lower than normal level of amniotic fluid. The blood volume of the recipient twin is increased which can strain the foetus' heart and eventually lead to heart failure. The recipient twin has a higher than normal urinary output, which leads to excess amniotic fluid. In early pregnancy (before 26 weeks) TTTS can cause both foetus' to die or lead to severe disabilities. The cause of TTTS is not known."

We tried not to dwell on the possibility of TTTS, but we approached each ultrasound with as much dread as excitement. With each good scan Rob and I relaxed a little. So as I grew increasingly uncomfortable during that week my vain hope that the babies had just gone through a growth spurt was fading. In hindsight I wish I had gone to the Doctor earlier, but I doubt this would have changed the outcome at all. I had no idea that within a week we would be parents.

A photo from the 12 week scan, showing the two babies. The diagonal line is the membranes of their separate amniotic sacs.

This day a year ago...

I have been meaning to share a bit more of the girls' birth story. But it just seemed to be too much to write about in one post. Overwhelmed in how to write it, after writing some initial notes and feelings before I forgot, I walked away and concentrated instead on watching my two little babies grow.

As their first birthday approaches however, I have begun to think about those days before they were born, and feel if I share a little about each day that led up to their early birth, then perhaps it won't seem like such an ordeal for the writer or the reader.

Recently somebody said to me that I should start to forget their prematurity as it might hold them back if I continually have it in the back of my mind in terms of their development. Whilst I would never want to hold the girls back with my own expectations, I disagree a little. Perhaps as only someone who has watched their tiny wee babies struggle to live can understand, everything that they do, every smile, every babbled word, every step, will mean a little more to us. When I think back to that first month, nearly every time we drove into hospital or back home I wondered if that would be the last time I saw my precious babies alive. Sounds melodramatic now, but back then their tiny little hearts, lungs and digestive systems were being pushed to deal with the outside world months before they were ready to. Infections could have posed a serious threat to their immune systems. Often we watched them stop breathing or their heart rate would drop dangerously low, bringing nurses and doctors rushing to their humidicrib, as we stood and watched helplessly.

While I sincerely hope that their premature birth never holds them back, and that there will come a day when I don't think about it, the experience has changed me: my outlook, my perspective, my priorities and even some of my relationships. I will be forever grateful I can be a Mama to our daughters, Maggie and Elisabeth, because there were many times I wondered if I would ever bring them home.

A year ago today I woke up and felt incredibly tight across my bump. It was Tuesday, the previous Friday we had visited my obstetrician and a scan had showed two equally sized healthy babies. I remember discussing his upcoming holiday, and he promised he wouldn't be going anywhere in late February when we expected to be welcoming our babies (we still didn't know their sex). We even discussed the milestone of reaching 28 weeks (just after Christmas) when the risk of cerebral palsy drops significantly with premature birth. Rob and I celebrated by going out to see the new James Bond movie that night, Skyfall. Rob later joked that perhaps the excitement of seeing Daniel Craig was too much for me, and brought about their early birth.

I had been through terrible morning (all day) sickness for the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy, but my second trimester had been going along just fine. When I battled through that day at work feeling uncomfortable and achey, needing to pee every 10 minutes, I remember thinking selfishly that the next three months would be unbearable. I got home and went straight to the window seat to lie down. I even cried. Maybe deep down I knew something wasn't quite right. You can read in my post the next day that I was trying to cheer myself up.

I eventually fell asleep that night, but it was not a restful sleep.

Late spring hut photos to cheer myself up

Yesterday I came home feeling tired and a little grumpy/emotional.

I have been pretty good up to now. But I wasn't feeling the best and I lay down on the window seat and if I have to be honest, I shed a few tears. Nothing serious, just regular pregnancy symptoms, and general tiredness. Poor Rob. He went outside and braved the cold and rain (after our preview of summer last Friday we've headed straight back to winter it seems!!) to pick me some more of my roses. Which are a delight.

I didn't end up sleeping that well last night (and I know this is only going to get worse!) so feel a little tired still now. I only have 12 working days left after today. Things are starting to press in from all sides as I tick off things on my to do list.

So today I need to post some photos to cheer myself up, shake me out of my mood.

How can you be grumpy if you live here?





So hopefully now I can shake my silly mood and enjoy the rest of my week.

Friday Flowers

Well it's a bit hard to see, but there are flowers in the photo below.

I love having a personal photographer who is willing to get up early enough to catch our garden in that perfect golden early morning light!

The flower garden is coming along, the roses are expanding and most have buds so I should be able to see what each one looks like this first year.

My original plan for the flower garden was for it to be a picking garden, so we have tried to keep things in the four quadrants to certain colours (white, pink, orange + yellow, red + blue/purple). In theory this had worked but there is the occasional mislabeled plant that is popping up in the wrong colour bed.
But I'm ok with that.

Now that the tulips have finished, the ranunculus are still going, please hold me to this- instead of 40 ranunculus corms next year, I'm going to plant 200 per quadrant. We both love them that much, and I won't feel so guilty picking them.

We have been collecting various annuals and perennials so it will be interesting to see what they end up looking like. We seem to struggle to fill the red bed (after the failure of my red ranunculus corms) so I'd be interested in any suggestions for red flowering plants.

My lilies are the main players in the garden still (after collecting them for years in pots) and they are all popping up quite happily now. Again my labelling may have left a little to be desired or we've mixed up the bulbs, because I can see the occasional plants with reddish tips to their leaves in the yellow bed. There are fat little buds amongst the leaves waiting to expand, it won't be long I don't think.

Again I have plenty of orange, yellow, white, and cream lilies, a fair few pink ones, but not many red ones. I've tried a few different reds but never been totally happy with their colour. Rob did utter a sentence I never thought he would "we need some more lilies" when looking at the red bed.

Thankfully I have felt much better this week. Today we had an appointment with our obstetrician and got to take a peek at the twins. I always feel so much more relieved after a visit to our Dr. He is quite lovely and reassuring. They now weigh 500g each! He measures their heads and tummies and they seem to be the right size for their age (about 25cm long at 22 weeks). Apparently at the moment they both have their heads down and their feet are at the top on each side of my tummy (which explains all those kicks I'm feeling!!) They are still able to move around quite a bit and always put on a good show.

So we treated ourselves with some lunch from Sweet Envy (conveniently positioned on the way back to work), their potato bread is still a favourite. Rob picked a lemon meringue donut which didn't make it past the city, and I picked Alistair's take on a Tim Tam or what he calls a Mit Mat. I have been saving it, and tried a mouthful at afternoon tea.  I may never eat another Tim Tam again. His, unsurprisingly, wipe the floor with them!

This weekend we're at home, so there will be garden tidying, grass cutting and hut spring cleaning (the windows are pretty bad with our two dogs smearing their noses all over them and the birds).

What are your plans for this weekend?

Resting and kicking

Sorry for the break in blogging posts. I have come down with a head cold which is harder to shake than normal, so am resting (on doctors orders!)

He could have told the twins though, they have been wriggling and jiggling with every sneeze or cough, and today I even saw a kick!!! Rob was watching too. Cheeky things. It's nice to know someone's having a great time!

I have to share a photo of my first rose to bloom in the new garden, appropriately named First Prize. I can't wait til the others start.

Hopefully I'll be better by the weekend.