I Miss Ruining People's Calendars. Damn You Technology! Sphincter Tickling.

Have you all noticed how people use less wall calendars these days. Probably because of technology. And I miss it! Because I used to love going to a friend's house or into a coworker's office, page ahead a few months and write in random appointments, "things to do" or holidays on various days. The key is to try and match the person's hand writing closely so they don't notice it right away. I would write things like:

- Fart on an old person.

- Stock up on creamed corn. DON'T FORGET COUPONS!

- Fourth of July True Observance (written on a day in November).

- Cure Cancer.

- Finish The Love Boat Musical.

- Narrow list of calendar choices down to at least 75. DON'T WAIT TILL OCTOBER THIS YEAR!!!

- (Written on a Saturday in coworker's calendar) Rent U-haul to FINALLY bring home the motherload of paper clips I've been hiding. Bring chloroform for guards.

- Tickle sphincter with the feather of a peacock (ask Uncle Hank to capture event with charcoal sketch).

I also do this when I see a person's grocery list. Give it a try. Tell me how it goes.

I Want To Do This In A Movie Theater. Jeffrey Dean Morgan And Javier Bardem Twins.

I went last week to see the movie The Possession with my daughter. Meh. It was OK. Some scary parts. She was really scared though.

I was telling her that whenever I see a horror movie in the theater and there are only a few people in there I think about this thing I want to do. About half way though the movie I want to stand up. Then I just stand for about a minute. Then I slooooooooowly walk toward the back of the theater. Then I walk and sit behind two people and sit directly behind them without saying a thing.

What do you think they would do? Would they get up and leave? Would they say anything? Maybe if they didn't say anything after a few minutes I would put my hand on one of their shoulders. Or just whisper, "It's about to happen." What do think?

And holy crap! I just discovered this when putting the link up there for The Possession! The lead in it was Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Here's his picture:

I totally thought it was Javier Bardem (the No Country For Old Men) actor! Look at his picture:

They look like identical twins!! Am I right?? But guess what? I just Googled both of their names and put in the word "twins" and a million other people think this as well. I guess I'm late to the party on this one.

I Really Need Us To Start Dressing The Same

I need you to know this. We really need to start dressing the same. All the time. The picture above should be our first outfit.

And lets start walking in sync at the beginning too. OK?

Twinkie Tour In Dream.

Between Blog people and Twitterers probably 40 – 50 of you have made appearances in my dreams. Here’s one from the other night that featured Trina from the blog Trina Likes Wine (Twitter name: @TrinaLikesWine ):

We decided to do a humor/food podcast so we were at the Twinkie factory to get a tour of the plant. We were going record it for the podcast. We went in for the tour and were acting really sarcastic - like we were thrilled to be there and it was the most amazing place on earth.

The tour guide was this really boring, nerdy man with big ass glasses and had no idea we were goofing on the whole thing. So we’re walking down the hall with him…

Trina: Can we see the state of the art employee break room? Can we? Can we?

Tour Guide: Well Ma’am it’s not on the official tour but…

Trina: So we CAN see it?

We walk into the employee break room and it’s a typical factory break room with circa 1970s tables and chairs and a few vending machines. We both pretend like it’s the most fascinating place we’ve even seen

Trina: Oh my God! It’s like walking into the future!

Me: Whoa! Look at the art. Are these originals?

We look at the safety posters that hang on the walls. One shows the proper way to lift things.

Me: Wow! Do they show films about how to lift things properly? And in the film one guy doesn’t lift the Twinkie the proper way and his back breaks? So he’s crippled? And now he sits in his wheelchair outside peering in a tiny window at the Twinkie assembly line regretting that he didn’t lift the right way? And a single tear drips down his cheek?

Tour Guide: Well. I don’t think so. Are you ready to begin the official tour?

Trina rubs the back of the metal chair in faked amazement.

Trina: Do we get to wear hair nets? Do we? Do we?

Some OCD Things I Do. But Not As Bad As You Guys.

Do any of you nutjobs have OCD? I don’t but there are a few specific things that I’m kind of OCD about. Here they are:

- When I’m eating cheese and crackers* and I’m getting close to the end I need to make sure that there are no crackers left and no cheese left. You know what I mean – so I don’t get stuck eating a piece of cheese or a cracker by itself. So I have to start doubling up the cheese or breaking crackers in half as I get closer.

- I always have a magazine or book in my car on the front driver seat. I've noticed it can never be upside down.

- I’m obsessed with keeping my Droid 100% charged.

- I have to turn off lights when I’m not in a certain room in the house.

- Pillows have to be 100% perfectly positioned on the couch or I can’t concentrate.

OK weirdos. Let’s hear it. What are your crazy OCD things? And has anyone officially been diagnosed with it?

*cracker of choice is usually the wheat thin or the Trisquit

Memorial Day Food Thoughts. Chris Elliot Scary And Creepy. TBY

When you're about to bite into your burger, hot dog, chicken or steak today, I'd like you to close your eyes for a minute.

Once your eyes are closed, imagine that the food you are about to eat was prepared by this Chris Elliot character from Scary Movie.

Now open your eyes. Bon Appetit' with TBY creepy video #5.

Pedophile Beards, Rapist Glasses and More. Funny Creepy Video.

I forget how I found this video on Youtube about rapist glasses* and pedophile beards but it's pretty funny. Take a look:



*I do not endorse rape in any form but I do endorse fashionable glasses. I just want to be clear on that.

Downingtown Farmers Market And Robot Hoax. Early Computers.

So Internet searcher - did you find this blog post because you had a bet with a friend that you were talking to a robot in the 80's at the Downingtown Farmers Market?

Well I've got some bad new for you. Calm down and have a seat.

..Let me explain this to my regular blog readers first. You see blog readers - years ago as I mentioned I worked at an audio store at the Downingtown Farmers Market. And we had a cheap version of a Mr Microphone.

Knowing the crap we were selling, it was probably called "Mizz Mikey" or "Mr Mike Talk" - because we sold mostly bootleg junk.

So we used to get really bored. And the owner didn't care if we drank beer while we worked so we were constantly screwing with people for the hell of it and to amuse ourselves. So we would take turns hiding behind the counter with the Mr Microphone bootleg device and screw with all of the hillbillies:

Me: (talking in robot voice) Attention Downingtown Farmers Market shoppers. My name is the Zarcon 5000 and I am a very advanced robot computer from Japan.

(hillbillies crowd into the store in amazement)

Hillbilly: OH MY GOD. What's going on?

Me: I see you. I'm a robot. By the way, I like that red, white and blue wolf t-shirt you are wearing.

Hillbilly: (looks down at his shirt) Oh my God! How can you see me?

Me: (remember -I'm still talking in robot voice) Look up at the large mirror. That is my electronical eye. I see all. Welcome to the Downingtown Farmers Market. And who is the snapping youngster next to you that is eating a funnel cake?

Hillbilly Kid: HE'S TALKING TO ME NOW!!!!

We would do this all night. Sometimes we would ask people to give us a math problem and we'd have a calculator behind the counter and tell them the answer. As if they really knew what 1034 times 345 was. But we'd tell them anyway.

One time I felt kind of bad because I was telling this 10 year old kid to stand on one foot, tap dance and imitate a chicken. Then his dad came up and grabbed him by the arm, "What the hell are you doing making an ass out of yourself?"

"No dad -it's a talking robot. It's the Zarcon 5000!"

The dad just looked at him and pulled him out of the store.

God I wish I had recorded those sessions.

So I guess what I'm trying to say to the hillbillies that fell for this and they went online to prove to their friends that they talked to an early robot in Downingtown ?....I'm afraid you just lost yourself a bet. Now hand over the jar of jam or the pocket knife or whatever it was that you lost in the bet. And from now on.....use your head. Don't believe everything you see.

All The Single Ladies Fat Guy. That's Actually Fat There!

So many of you have already seen this fatso dude dancing to Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies". And when I was watching the video again I was thinking, at least the dude has a big package.

But he doesn't. When he turns sideways, the thing that I thought was his package is really his belly flab. Or as a friend of mine used to refer to it - his "birth pile". Why do fat dudes always have small ones? Who knows?

Anyways, the video is kind of entertaining. He's got some pretty good facial expressions. And by good - I'm mean embarrassing. For him.

Sex With A Vegetable. Yes, There Are Books On This Perv Stuff.

So one of my perv readers sent me this photo they took when they were at a bookstore. It's a picture of homemade sex toys that they found in a book. This particular photo shows the steps of how a dude can have sex with a pumpkin. And I like how you're supposed to heat it up. You've got to admit it is ingenious.

OK freaks - out with your stories. Who has had sex with a pumpkin or something weird like this. OR - have you ever caught anyone in the act? Hmmmmm?

Here's A Real Creepy Nightmare I Had Last Night

This is a real nightmare I had last night. This is not a joke. Some creepy dude had me locked in a wooden coffin. I heard him telling someone on the outside that he would release me under the following conditions:

1) He wanted samples of my hair. All hair, including eyelashes and nether region hair.
2) He wanted a skin scraping sample.
3) He wanted a silhouette outline of my body straight on as well as sideways. And he clarified that the side view should include an outline when I was erect. WHAT THE HELL!!??

Now it gets even creepier. I got a call out of the blue IN REAL LIFE on Friday from someone I haven't spoken to since high school. He left a voicemail. He wanted to know how things have been. I have no plans to call him back because I'm sure he's going to want to get together. The creepy thing is - he was the dude in the nightmare! But aged and scrawny and serial killerish. AHHHHHHH!

What do you think this means?

I've Got A Confession To Make About When I'm Alone

I admit it. I often do things when I'm by myself just to crack myself up. I'll sing. I'll dance. I'll talk in a weird voice while I'm cooking, pretending that I'm on a goofy ass cooking show. For a half hour. It's actually entertaining.

The only downside is when you get busted. Remember that story I told you about when I worked at the Lions Share Restaurant in 9th grade and someone had an accident in one of the stalls and they tried to get me to clean it up? Well, I got busted there for doing something really embarrassing.

They asked if anyone wanted to make some extra money on a Sunday by coming in and buffing the floors. I was there first thing Sunday morning and the cook, the only other person there, showed me how to use the device. It was one of these huge machines that when you turn the handle slightly, the whole mechanism turns by itself. It pretty much pulls you. The picture above is a miniature version of the industrial grade power horse I was using.

So I'm back in the very last room and I'm getting bored so I lean it all the way to the left and the thing practically turns me so I'm spinning in a circle. Hey this is fun. Then I stop it and make it spin to the right.

I take a quick peak down the corridor and the coast is clear so I continue goofing off. I must have been day dreaming because next thing you know, I'm imagining that I'm on in a sitcom like I Love Lucy or a movie and I'm in a Jerry Lewis voice going, "Oh Lady...Oyyyy...Oh stop this thing I want to get off." And I'm working this thing, it's hitting the walls, it's going full speed and then just then,

Cook: (walks into room and has look of disgust) What....?

Me: (startled like I just realized a bear is about to maul me) I thought!..Uh.....! Um.

That was pretty much my statement. What the hell can you really do in a situation like this? Exactly.

Blog Owner Tells Weird Stuff About Himself

Here are some odd things about me. This is a MEME sent to me by Melo. The following are the instructions followed by my MEME.

The purpose is to share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about your self.

1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagged peops know once your entry is UP.

1) I always need to get the ultimate deal on things. If I'm buying something over $100, I'll research it for hours just to get the best deal. I also have an obsession with coupons.

2) I get obsessed with things then go totally overboard. Examples: when in my exercise obsession, I was running and biking everyday, reading everything I could on the subject and had to record every distance and time - even if it was just for training. Selling books online phase: about 6 years ago I started picking up books at book sale and selling them on Half.com and Amazon. It became such an obsession that I was sometimes going to 3 bookstores or thrift stores a week -even though I didn't really need the money. I got so good that I could go intoi a book sale and spend $3 on books then sell them for $300. Current obsession is blogging and building blog traffic.

3) I sometimes will have over 30 books checked out of the library - mostly non fiction and I rarely read them cover to cover.

4) When I'm driving in the car alone, I often will sing the song either in a different voice, or add tons of extra made up lyrics in. I've been busted often.

5) When I'm in my office and it gets dark, I need to shut my blinds because I have a feeling that someone is looking at me.

6) I can't add numbers in my head. Seriously. If I'm playing darts and my score is 87 and I get 6 points, 3 points and 4 points, and I don't use my fingers to count - it takes me a real long time.

...and you all thought I was normal. Now here are the people I'm tagging:

Mo - from MyEcomonster

The Imaginary Reviewer

Passion of the Dale

C3Fun

Enc - Observation Mode

Michelle J

West Chester Driver Considers Taking Up Instrument While in Exton

I was just listening to this Violent Femmes song while driving through Exton. The kick ass xylophone playing makes me want to take up the instrument. I'd start introducing myself as "Nubs"* because I bet that's what the xylaphone sticks are called. I'd be kind of like Sticks on Happy Days but I'd be Nubs. And believe me, my nubs would be with me at all times. You know - so I'd be prepared for every xylophone opportunity that came my way.

I can see me now - walking into the Exton Mall and pass a few trash cans? Yup, I'd whip my nubs out and go to town. Skinny skank wearing a tank top walking through Malvern? You guessed it - out come the nubs and me - Nubs - would start playin' her ribs.

While you listen to Gone Daddy Gone, imagine me - Nubs - at 1:20 into the video looking at YOU and giving a little wink and pointing my nub at you. I bet you'd never forget it.



*Feel free to start calling my Nubs. If the name starts to bother me after a month, I think I'll have to pick a different instrument to master.