Trapped

We are all trapped in our little lifes of our own. 

So many things happened while i am not posting, and many of those is happening to others close to me. Today, was a little special. I reached home about 5pm, and used my comp, crocheted, and read my ebook. At about 7pm, when i feel that its a good time for a nap, i went to bed and plan to sleep till 830. One and a half hour, just nice. But, i was stopped by my grandmother. As usual, disrupting the flow of my day. Surprisingly, today she forced me out of bed to eat dinner, with her. Of course i was feeling very grumpy to be called out of bed, and to eat when i am not even hungry. I skip dinner nowadays because i am really full from tea break at work.

After eating the quick little dinner with her, i realise all she wanted was company. But both of us is in the shell of our own that we can never express our love for each other. The way she can show love to me is to scold me, to nag at me, and to make me eat, a lot. While for me, i still dont know how to express my love for her. Time is running out for both of us, and i know i will regret not being a better granddaughter to her. But i dont know how. I really dont. I've been living like this for the past 20 years, and these 20 years, all i got from her was scolding, insults and disapproval. But at the same time she showed care for all these 20 years when no one else cared. When everyone left this useless life of mine.

She made a choice, for us, to stay and take care of us in stead of going to else where to enjoy her life. She deserve so much more. I am sorry ama. Thank you for the past 20 years, and i love you very much. 

I guess god has a way to punish all of us. Recently, the doctor found out that there is two lumps going inside of my dad. The more i dont cherish people around me, the more god is making them leave me. The only few people that really love and care about me is leaving me. And i really dont know what to do. All i can think of is to pray for the best. But everyone has a due date, And for my dad, it was a few years back. He managed to continue living till now is already a blessing. And what have i done? Did i bring him out for dinner? Did i bring him to wherever he want to go, like how he would bring us when we were young? Did i wait for him to come home, to cook for him, to help him massage? No. I've done none of it. And ain't capable of doing so. 

I'm sorry dad and ama. For being unfilial. Please forgive me.