x

There are days where you just wanna be left alone.

There are days you hope that someone is there for you. 

There are days where u want the specific one to be there. 

But these days seems so far away. People annoy you when you wanna be alone. When you want to not be left alone. Everyone is gone. 

I feel like everyone now have their own goals to work on, now they have no time for you anymore. Even those dearest to you. When you start at a new environment, it changes people. For better or for worse. But it seems like some cases is for the worse. Just keep drifting away and be busy with your own work life balance, and leave me alone out there to struggle. To always try too hard for so many things that tire me out. 

I hate to feel like im not important anymore. I hate to know that im not important anymore. I hate to be the only one trying. I hate to not be able to share my own troubles and difficulties i have at work. I hate to not have someone who understands how i feel. 

I feel terrible, neglected. And maybe selfish to want more. 

Broken

I feel like i'm really broken. I think i am really broken. And i am probably the one that break myself.

Every mother's day i feel like im abandoned. Actually it's, every mother's day remind me of being abandoned. Every friend of mine post photos of their happy family. And i'm still stuck in the fact of being abandoned. I still can't get over the fact. After 19 years...

When will i ever grow out of this? When will i ever stop envying? When will i live in the present and accept this fact. I read this somewhere, "When someone is insecured, it's normally because of broken family." I agree to this sentence so much. We do not get the love when we are young. We are abandoned. Lost. So when we grow up, we grow up thinking that we are not loved. And don't say you understand, because if your family is full and happy, you don't understand what it means by being abandoned.

You don't understand the feeling of broken, and being not able to fix it. I want to fix this issue too. But i am sure i will never be able to do it.

You will never understand what it means by never good enough.

There was once i was talking to my poly classmate about something. And it suddenly led us to the topic my family. I told him, my family is interesting, and i did not have had the best childhood. He didn't believe it. I guess because i behave like a kid, and i always look happy. But deep down, i am always sad. Always. I really suspect because i had a sad childhood. When i told him a little about my story, he was really shocked. And he said that i am very independent.

Since young, people always say that i am independent. I like it when they say this. But i like to be dependent too. Being dependent means being a burden to another person. I am having a hard time finding someone i can depend on. And when i finally found someone, they will just abandon me. Like old times... This is life isn't it? You never get what you want. Which make u want it more, by working harder. When you get something you want, you get it for a while and you lose it again.

I want to have a mother where i can text her and say i love you. I want to have a dad where i can text him and say i love you. It seem really impossible considering how i was brought up. Like an typical asian.

I might have said this before. But i dont have smart genes in my family. I am the only one that is interested in aviation. Nobody in my family understood what i am doing. When i said i am training as an air traffic control, some thinks i'm working some office job, some thinks i'm doing my degree, some even said i am doing a double degree (!!!!! I have no idea how that came about), some thinks i'm still flying in Tiger. (LOLLLL)

The only reason why i work so hard to do well in everything i do is because i need to impress. I need to impress everyone in my family because they have been looking down on me since i don't know when. But funny thing is, even though i do well, it's never enough for them. Because i am suppose to be the independent little girl who do everything on her own. I need support more than anyone of you out there. But i don't say it out. And everyone assume it as i can handle it on my own. And they expect more from me.

To smarter friends, i am just someone normal. Because they have gone through a lot too. To normal friends, they think im freaking smart. But hell no. Im dumb as hell. I keep looking for love. I am not strong. But i act strong. I do not like to ask for help. I hate to feel weak, but i actually am. I look so happy in front of everyone. But late at night, i am sad. I do not smile when i'm home.

At home, i do not get to have my own room. I share with 4 other people at home. Many times i can't sleep at night because in the middle of the night i will be disturbed by one of the 4. I do not have my own space that i can do anything at home, because i hang out in the living room with another 5 strangers walking around.

I like to be alone, but i like to have people hanging out around me too. I pay for all my stuff since young. I do not like to spend on myself. But sometimes i do, and i regret.

I dont get to see my dad a lot. I get scolding almost everyday. I cry alone. I don't tell people. I can't sleep at night. I don't have appetite for a long while already. I have a lot of issues.

I really don't know why am i trying this. But i just feel like saying it all out because i have no one to share it with. And i do not want anyone to care about this little problematic life of mine. No one can solve this, no one can make things better. It is not good to begin with.

But after saying it all out. I realise the problem should be me. I should be the problem. So what if i have a horrible life to begin with? I can make it better on my own. So what is i am abandoned by almost everyone i know? I can survive with me not abandoning me. But i have no intention to solve this problem anyway. Maybe i should try.

Maybe i should learn to love myself and accept things as they are. Maybe i should stop telling myself that i am not worth it.

Oh gosh, but at this moment i really hate myself.

I can name so many things i hate about myself than things i love about myself.

I hate it that im so sensitive. I hate it that im not someone who forgives someone easily. I hate it when i am someone who remember bad things way too well. And to bring it up in my brain that will make me sad way too often.I hate it when i say certain stuffs, and regret it almost immediately. I hate it when i remind myself everyday that nobody loves me, and to not expect anything. I hate to have such negative feelings about myself. I hate myself.

And i need to learn to love myself. Actually since 5 years ago i've already told myself i need to love myself. It is actually an extremely difficult thing to do. Ah ok bye. I really dont know what am i typing anymore. LOL.

BFF/GF

Hi It's a new day.

Everyone have a best friend. And this is me telling myself what to do.

Every guy will have a good girl friend. It's bad for the girlfriend to be jealous and unhappy about it. They have known each other for so many years more than you. They have been through a part of their life together without you. There is this chemistry they have, that you can never have. And you can't be jealous of this because it's unfair for him.

It's okay that he talk to her more. It's okay that he cares about her more. It's okay when he ask her how her day is, and not ask you. It's all okay. Because they don't talk everyday for the past 4 years. They talk to each other everyday now for about a month, it's okay. You've talked to him for 4 years, every single day of your life. 

It's okay when he is being protective about her because he may be protective over you too. You don't know. It's okay when he sends her heart shaped emoji and tell her more about his day than you. Because they are best friends. It's okay when he want to meet her more than you, because they stay nearer to each other. It's okay that his friends disturb him about them, because they just have nothing better to do. It's okay when he remember details about her, because he remembers details about you too. It's okay when you are nothing compared to her, because in the first place you ain't suppose to compare. 

It's all okay when i say it is. Because nothing is okay, until we believe it's okay. He love her. He loves you too. Remember that, 

They are just friends. With chemistry that you can never have. But you have a different chemistry with him too, that she will never have. It's all okay because he is happier like this. To have a friend that gives him space, laughter and not sarcasm and frustration.

It's normal to feel this way, and it's normal to love a friend. Embrace this and everything will be better.

x

I just typed a whole lot of crap. And i deleted all of it. Because i am going to really look at the bright side of everything. I guess even i can't bring myself to love me, how are you going to love me? How can anyone love me? I am a nobody since i was born. I never knew the definition of being loved and needed. Until i met you. But now, as usual, i don't feel loved or needed anymore.

I am glad you said you are going to try. But all im getting now, is not honest words. You are not being truthful to me, You are not telling me how r u really feeling. You are also not telling what is the problem. You kept saying you feel that you are not good enough for me. But nobody is ever good enough for anyone. Nobody is perfect, and there is no perfect one. 

The moment i became comfortable with you, you say we are too comfortable. We are together for 4 years, If we ain't comfortable now, then we are really weird. 4 years... 4 years later you realise you are not good enough. Ironic isn't it? Don't worry. I ain't good enough for anyone either. But i try to make them feel worth it. I try to be good enough. But we will never be. 

So, now, i will try to love myself more. I really really hate myself a lot btw. 

And it's normal to feel scared and tired at some point of time. And it's normal to realise you actually need some other people more than certain people. It's normal for feelings to fade. It's normal to feel irritated and annoyed. It's normal................................

Lost

I don't know how to feel anymore.

I feel alone. I am alone in all these. And i believe he is feeling as lonely as i am. 

It's funny how words don't come out from my mouth now. No tears is coming out. Keeping everything inside actually felt better. I wonder, who, that is around me, would understand all these. My answer is always, no one. Or maybe there is. I don't know. I'll never know.

I don't know how to feel, i don't know what to do, i don't know what is right. I don't even know what i am typing. Everything is so foreign.

Love. Hope. Family. Illness. Tumor. Cancer. 

I dont even feel like talking to anyone about this tbh.